11/24/03--Okay...time for an update. Been slacking a bit on these. And I plan to keep this one short as I'm a bit wasted and don't really feel like typing much. But here goes. Went and saw my mom. Had to drop off her B-day girts. Man....I hate shopping for people. I just stress myself over getting something they'll like. And then you add in the stress of being at the store itself with all these other people around. Stress upon stress!!! But I made it through it. But here's the weird part. During the required conversation with my mom, I found this out. She honestly believes that I have a chemical imbalance, and would like me to due some kind of voulunteer hospital commitment to get treatment. Basically....check into the looney farm and let them prod and poke my mind. Um.....I'll pass. First off, I won't deny there's a chance that I could have a chemical imbalance. I know that my thinking is 'off kilter'. I realize that I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. 5 years ago. 2 years ago. Some of my thoughs are dark(ok, most of them actually), some of them dwell on self injury, self supression. I have low or no self esteem. I have no value of self worth. This may or may not all be true. But I'm not sure what the problem is. I mean, like I keep trying to explain to my mom, maybe this is the way I'm supposed to be? Maybe the plan for my life was that by the time I hit 33, I would be completely alone, anti-social, paranoid, and totally crazy? Who am I to fight fate???
My voices are bothering me again. The voices in my head. It's not crazy people voices or anything. It's not like the dog telling me to kill the neighbors. It's not Cybil different people voices. It's my own voice. I've had this problem since I was a kid. Let me explain. I can't clear my mind. You know how when you're trying to relax and you just totally clear your thoughts and empty your mind? I CAN'T DO THAT. Never have been able to. I always have like a dozen or two conversations going on in my head. It's like my mind is split into a bunch of little brains each doing their own thing. Here's an example. People that know me can tell you that I have an uncanny knack about being right about how stuff is going to turn out. I'm not bragging, but it's true. And they always wonder "How did you know it was gonna be like this?" Well truth of the matter is, I pictured it happening. I pictured it not happening. I pictured about 20 different ways it could've happened. When the scenerio first presented itstelf, the voices in my head worked out every different scenerio that could've happened. I just waited for some cues as to which seenerio it was looking like, then fast-forwarded to the end. That's how my head works. imagine while you're sitting there reading this, you're thinking about the errends you have to run tomorrow, you're listening to a comedy cd, you're listening to South Park on the TV, you're thinking about getting another beer, you're thinking about the guy walking across the street, you're thinking about work on Thursday, you're thinking about counting the glitter in your glitter lamp, you're thinking about how your knee hurts, and you're thinking about 20 other things......ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sure, it's normal to think about different things one right after another. And even common to think about a couple things at the same time. But my mind is always thinking about dozens of things all at the same time. And I can never shut it off. It starts the moment I wake up, and goes until I drift off to sleep. Sometimes I have trouble going to sleep because I have to much to think about. The one semi-dependable cure I've found for this is videogames. Not all video games, and not all the time does it work. But every so often, I can find a game that for whatever reason, let's me focuse on only the game. Everything else around me is silenced, and I'm able to think about only one thing. When I get this way, I feel so happy and relaxed. I catch myself smiling when this happens. It's the greatest thing. Wish it lasted longer.
Ok, I'm about bored with this update. So I'll end with this. I have found the greatest book!!!! I recommend it to anyone who has grown tired of this world full of lies. Done with the conscripts of "normal society". The book is called You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure To Ruin Your Day! I had to go to 2 different Barnes and Nobles to find it, but it was worth it!(but don't get me started on that freakin store and how much it sucks! I'm just trying to find a book, get the fuck away from me and stop asking if I need help. And no, I would not like to try some of this muffin from your satan-ass coffee shop!!!) Anyway, the book tells you the truth about different aspects of life. From love, to work, to your job, to you! And it's quite scary how this book mirrors my life. Here's my fav about work: "You know that feeling when you show up at work first thing in the morning and your eyes are heavy--not only from being tired but also from crying about how meaningless your life is and how much you hate your job--and you don't want to be there today, and you feel uncomfortable in your dress-up clothes, and the taste of coffee is heavy in your mouth, and you wonder what the hell you're doing with your life?? Get used to that feeling. You will feel it every day for the rest of your life!" Tell me that's not a PERFECT quote?? This is probably one of the best books I've ever read in my life. Everyone should get it!
