SIGNS, HEADLINES, ONE LINERS, WORDS OF WISDOM
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant. "Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant. "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
On a New York convalescent home. "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"
Outside a country shop in West Virginia. "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store. "15 men's wool suits -- $100 -- They won't last an hour!"
A sign seen on a rest room dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago. "Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New York restaurant. "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company. "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In the window of an Oregon general store. "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In downtown Boston. "Callahan Tunnel -- NO END"
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon. "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
On a Tennessee highway. "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut. "No trespassing without permission."
In a New York medical building. "Mental Health Prevention Center"
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EDWARD BULWAR LYTTON PRIZE
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
10 "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9 "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8 "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure -- blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7 "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . . Andre creep."
6 "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back--alley sex--change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5 "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."
4 "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3 "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2 "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear", a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
And the best of all:
1) he sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, You lied!"
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BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998 (All Verified!)
1 Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4 Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11 Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13 Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15 Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16 Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17 War Dims Hope for Peace
18 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19 Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20 Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25 Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead >>
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SAYINGS TO LIVE BY
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time, his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
The world won't end today . . . it's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A man who says marriage is a 50 -- 50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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FAVORITE T-SHIRT SLOGANS
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" -- (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -- He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib -- Two A.M." (On a baby -- size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
"If a Woman's Place Is in the Home, Then Why Am I Always in this Car!"
"All Men Are Idiots, and I Married Their King"
"West Virginia: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names"
"Failure Is Not an Option. It comes bundled with the software."
"I'm out of Estrogen and I've Got a Gun"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
"Stupidity Is Not a Handicap. Park Elsewhere!"
"Discourage Inbreeding -- Ban Country Music"
"Where there's a will I want to be in it"
"MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN -- Cops have nothing to go on."
"FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
"If the shoe fits, buy it. -- Imelda Marcos"
"Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh"
"A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words -- But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"The Meek shall inherit the earth . . . after we're through with it."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"Hard Work Will Pay off Later. Laziness Pays off Now!"
"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY -- Set your watch back 20 years."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"If There Is No God, Who Pops up the next Kleenex?"
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"My Wild Oats Have Turned to Shredded Wheat"
"Automobile -- A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people."
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
"MOP AND GLOW -- Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
"NyQuil -- The stuffy, sneezy, why -- the -- hell -- is -- the -- room -- spinning medicine."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
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TEN THINGS THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE TWELVE APOSTLES HAD BEEN GAY
1 The 'Sermon on the Mount' would be a musical.
2 Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
3 Priests would get married . . . wait a minute . . . never mind.
4 The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.
5 Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS.
6 The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
7 The water at the Wedding Feast of Cana would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for color.
8 The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number.
9 Replace the 'Beatitudes' with "Fabulous are they . . . "
10 The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
1 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2 The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3 The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4 Evening massage -- 6 p.m.
5 The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6 The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7 Low Self -- Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8 Ushers will eat latecomers.
9 The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11 The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12 The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13 During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when JF Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14 Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15 Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16 Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17 The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedreich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19 The eighth -- graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20 The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22 A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23 Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24 Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"
25 On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26 Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27 Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.
28 The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29 Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary . . .
30 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31 The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32 Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
34 Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor: "Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside. Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods . . . " (then without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here at the church . . . !"
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THE WISDOM OF EINSTEIN
Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
The only justifiable purpose for political institutions is to insure the unhindered development of the individual.
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The only source of knowledge is experience
The value in a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.
Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be.
I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
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BLONDE BLITZ
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. You know what she'll say after that? Is it mine?
Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone.
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter."
Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Why was the blonde reviewing the ABCs? She was studying for a multiple choice test.
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? They want to measure their intelligence.
Why do blondes stand under light bulbs? It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? In case they have to draw blood.
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST
Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me
Manic:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
Paranoid:
Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me.
Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
. . . . (Better Start Again)
Passive-Aggressive Personality:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (And Then Took it All Away).
Borderline Personality Disorder:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6 "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4 "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3 "The coffee machine is broken . . . "
2 "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . . "
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1 " . . . in Jesus' name. Amen."
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TO DO AWAY WITH HOLIDAY STRESS
When the stress gets to be too much - go shopping! Head to WalMart and practice some of these suggestions:
1 Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2 Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3 Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4 Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5 Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6 Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7 Put M&M's on layaway.
8 Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9 Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10 When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11 Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12 Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13 Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14 While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15 Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16 Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17 Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19 Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20 When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21 If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22 Go into the dressing room and yell real loud . . . "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!
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29 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A "KID"
1 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2 You are proud of your lawn mower.
3 You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
4 Your back goes out more than you do.
5 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
6 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
7 Your best friend is dating someone half their age . . . and isn't breaking any laws.
8 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
9 You sing along with the elevator music.
10 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
11 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
12 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
13 You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
14 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15 People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
16 You have a dream about prunes.
17 You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
18 You send money to PBS.
19 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
20 You take a metal detector to the beach.
21 You wear black socks with sandals.
22 You know what the word "equity" means.
23 You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
24 Your ears are hairier than your head.
25 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
26 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
27 You got cable for the weather channel.
28 You can go bowling without drinking.
29 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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13 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S
1 You tried to enter your ATM password on the microwave.
2 You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3 You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4 You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5 You E-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he E-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6 Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7 You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8 You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your E-mail buddies via a web page.
9 Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10 You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
11 You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12 Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail In box, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13 You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
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CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1 You Are Different and That's Bad
2 The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3 Dad's New Wife Robert
4 Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5 Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6 The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7 Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8 All Cats Go to Hell
9 The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10 Some Kittens Can Fly
11 The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12 Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13 Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games
14 Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15 Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
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HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE
1 At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2 Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3 Insist that your e-mail address be:
or
4 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5 Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6 Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
7 Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8 Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9 In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10 Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11 Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
12 Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13 dontuseanypunctuationorspaces
14 As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15 Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16 Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
17 Sing along at the opera.
18 Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19 Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20 Send E-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21 Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23 Hum when you ride an elevator.
24 Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
25 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
26 Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
27 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
28 When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
29 Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30 Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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MCDONALD’S JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida . . . and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2 Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3 Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5 Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6 Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7 Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8 Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once.
9 The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
10 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
11 If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12 There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13 It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14 There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15 Do unto others, then run . . .
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SIMILARITIES BETWEEN NIXON AND CLINTON
Nixon Watergate
Clinton Waterbed
Nixon His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton Worried about carpet burns
Nixon His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton His Vice President is a geek
Nixon Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton (No difference)
Nixon Ex-President
Clinton Sex-President
Nixon Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton Took on Ho
Nixon Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton Talked about getting a piece on her
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BEWARE THE CHEMICALS IN YOUR LOCAL WATER!
Apropos of being led to and finding the truth: a freshman at Eagle Rock High School won the first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair by showing how conditioned we have become to alarmists spreading fear of everything in our environment through junk science. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "di-hydrogen monoxide" because:
1 It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2 It is a major component in acid rain.
3 It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4 Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5 It contributes to erosion.
6 It decreases the effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7 It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they would support a ban. 43 said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical is -- water.
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THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky’s Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
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GOLDEN RULES FOR ENSEMBLE PLAYING
1 Everyone should play the same piece.
2 Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot!
3 If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4 Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
5 Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6 Take your time turning pages.
7 The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa).
8 If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
9 Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
10 Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.
11 If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
12 If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune."
13 Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
14 If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15 A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
16 When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home.
17 A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
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INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute . . . I'll find someone. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
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LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1 Don't miss the boat.
2 Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3 Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4 Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big.
5 Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6 Build your future on high ground.
7 For safety's sake travel in pairs.
8 Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9 When you're stressed, float awhile.
10 Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
11 No matter the storm you're weathering, there's always a rainbow waiting at the end.
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HOW COME . . . ?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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WORDS TO LIVE BY
1 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
4 Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5 We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
13 If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14 Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
15 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16 Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17 Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
19 Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
21 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
22 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23 Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
24 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
25 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
26 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27 Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
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25 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN 50 YEARS (by Dave Barry)
1 The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3 People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4 The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6 A penny saved is worthless.
7 They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8 The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9 The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10 There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11 There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12 People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13 There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14 Nobody is normal.
15 At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17 The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18 The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19 If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20 You should not confuse your career with your life.
21 A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22 No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23 When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24 Your friends love you anyway.
25 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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READING THE STOP SIGN
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete (that is, interpret) the stop sign.
1 A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
2 Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.
3 A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4 An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
5 A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6 A seminary-educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean (1) something that prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; (2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The following Sunday, the main point of his sermon on this text is "When you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car."
7 An orthodox Jew does one of two things: (1) Takes another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; (b) Stops at the sign, says "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," waits 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceeds. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R.. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."
8 A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, he would never have wanted to stifle peoples' progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
9 An NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" Street. There is an excellent 300-page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke streets in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it does not explain the meaning of the text!
10 An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author of the second part is different from the author of the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P."
11 Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.
12 Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."
13 A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world—north, south, east, and west), equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.
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THE WISDOM OF EUGENE ORMANDY
Eugene Ormandy, late conductor of the Philadelphia Orchestra, fractured the English language, as it was not his native tongue. Many of his quotations need to be saved for posterity, such as . . .
"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"
"I'm conducting slow because I don't know this tempo . . . "
"I can conduct better than I can count."
"I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong."
"Why do you always insist on playing when I'm trying to conduct?"
"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't."
"Don't ever follow me because I'm difficult."
"The tempo remains pianissimo."
"We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane . . . "
"Did you play? It sounded very good."
"I purposely didn't do anything, and you were all behind . . . "
"He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife!"
"Intonation is important -- especially when it is cold."
"If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there is enough missing already . . . "
"It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect."
"Don't play louder, just give more."
"Start three bars before something."
"Accelerando means tempo. Don't rush."
"This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote; all those who disagree with me, please raise their hands."
"Brass stay down all summer."
"It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is."
"Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa."
"I need one more bass less."
"I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar."
"I conduct faster so you can see my beat."
"I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to."
"Percussion a little louder" (we don't have anything to play) "That's right . . . play it louder."
"Please follow me, because I have to follow him, and he isn't here!"
"Let me explain what I do here; I don't want to confuse you any more than necessary . . . "
"That's the way Stravinsky was . . . Bup, Bup, Bup. The poor guy's dead now - play it legato . . . "
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THINGS TO PONDER
1 Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
2 Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
3 Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
4 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
5 Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
6 Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
7 Why is the alphabet in that order?
8 If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
9 If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)
10 Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
11 Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
12 Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
13 If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
14 When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
15 Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
16 Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
THINGS TO PONDER - Part II
1 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
2 Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
3 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
7 Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
8 Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
9 Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
10 If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
11 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
12 How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
13 Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
14 Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
15 Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
16 Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
17 Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
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YOU HAVE TWO COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
10 The Coast Guard is involved.
9 The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8 Pastor wears scuba gear.
7 As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
6 The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?".
5 You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"
4 The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3 The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2 Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
1 Two Words: Alka Seltzer
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ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
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STUPID LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On some Stouffer's frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.)
On a Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . . ?)
On Sara Lee's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . )
On packaging for a Black and Decker iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save some time?)
On Tylenol's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Planter's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines' packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Duh!)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a rash of this happening somewhere?)
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A LISTENER WRITES
Dear Dr Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1.9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15.19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev 25.44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Americans. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 10.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev 20.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
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TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH
1 I was forced to wash as a child.
2 People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than others.
3 There are so many kinds of soap, I could never decide which was right.
4 I used to wash, but it got boring.
5 I wash only on Christmas or Easter.
6 None of my friends wash.
7 I'll start washing when I'm older.
8 I really don't have time.
9 The bathroom isn't warm enough.
10 People who make soap are only after your money.
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON
10 There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9 The pews have camper hookups.
8 You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7 The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6 The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5 The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4 When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3 The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2 Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON:
1 The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only July! ----------------------------------------------------------------
THE CHURCH GLOSSARY
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Used for air conditioning. 2. Your receipt for attending church.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning, consisting of altar servers and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of the service, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
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BAD PUNS R US
On Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich (literally, to send away). Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river -- it must be flowing), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, so the fish can symbolically eat and carry away their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw for different types of sins.
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins French Bread
For particularly dark sins Pumpernickel
For complex sins Multigrain
For twisted sins Pretzel
For tasteless sins Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision Waffles
For sins committed in haste Matzo
For sins of chutzpah Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft Caraway
For petty larceny Stollen
For committing arson Toast
For timidity Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky Sourdough
For silliness Nut Bread
For not giving full value Shortbread
For jingoism Yankee Doodles
For risking one's life unnecessarily Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For warmongering Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others Tortes
For promiscuity Hot Buns
For racism Crackers
For sophisticated racism Ritz Crackers
For praying off tune Flat Bread
For being holier than thou Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another Challah
For indecent photography Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment Dumplings
For sins of laziness Any Very Long Loaf
For being hypercritical Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery Bismarcks
For gluttony Stuffing Bread
For gambling Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness Grits
For sins of pride Puff Pastry
For cheating Baked Goods with Nutrasweet or Olestra
For being snappish Ginger Bread
For impetuosity Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight Angel Food Cake
For being uptight and irritable High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy Brownies
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BART SIMPSON’S PUNISHMENT . . .
The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old “write it 100 times” punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
The teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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HOW TO MAKE A BORING SERMON FUN
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor.
See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B’ and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you.
After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using bulletins or visitors’ cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum. If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1 Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That’s a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2 Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3 Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4 Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5 Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6 Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7 If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8 Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9 This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10 Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11 Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12 Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13 Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14 Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and rabies wait for no man—or woman.
15 Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16 Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17 Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18 Take two aspirins and lie down. Take extended rest.
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CONCEPTS LEARNED ABOUT ELECTRICITY (after many years of fiddling with the stuff)
1 Most electricity is manufactured in power stations where it is fed into wires and then wrapped round large drums hanging on poles.
2 Some electricity does not need to go through wires, that used for lightning for example and that used in portable radios. This kind of electricity is not manufactured but hangs around the air loose.
3 Electricity makes a low humming noise. This noise may be pitched for use in telephones, door bells, and electric organs.
4 Electricity has to be grounded before it can function—except in airplanes, which have their own arrangement.
5 Although they say electricity does not leak out of an empty light socket, if you shove your finger into the socket, IT'S THERE! So if it isn't leaking out, what else is it doing?
6 Electricity is made with two ingredients—negative and positive. One ingredient travels along a wire covered with white plastic, the other ingredient along a wire covered with black plastic. These two wires are connected to a device called a plug, where the two ingredients are mixed together to form electricity.
7 Electricity may be stored in boxes, called Batteries. Big Batteries do not necessarily hold more electricity than small ones. In big Batteries, the electricity is shoveled in, while in small batteries it is packed in flat.
8 The electric switch contains sort of a vise grip that squeezes the wire very hard so that electricity can't get through. Opening (ON) the switch releases the grip and electricity can flow.
9 Electricity goes to a light bulb, where for the first time we can see electricity, enlarged many times by the curvature of the bulb which is made of magnifying glass.
10 Why does the light bulb burn out? Because as any school boy knows, heat converts oxygen into moisture—when all the oxygen in the bulb becomes moisture, then the water naturally extinguishes the spark.
11 Colored electricity lights traffic lights and red bulbs. Negative electricity runs refrigerators.
12 Some people who don't understand electricity wire their fuse boxes to hold little glass things with fuse wire in them. I find that chicken wire works much better—and it won't burn out. Even if the drier goes up inflames.
13 Some things I still don't know about electricity—like how a computer that speaks English can be programmed to speak French, which is a different voltage? Neon signs are a mystery, how is it that electricity knows how to spell things out? How does the electricity know when the toast is ready? As you can see, I have picked up a pretty comprehensive knowledge of electricity.
PS I learned most of my electrical knowledge from the Reader's Digest.
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FPJL QUIZ
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are truly a "professional".
1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3 The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4 There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
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HOW TO GET RID OF A JEHOVAH’S WITNESS
How Some People Have Dealt with a Perennial Problem
A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around . . .
My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): “I’m sorry, I don’t give a damn about Jesus.” Worked every time. The Witnesses just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the Witness will be. Answer the door with an automatic weapon, shout “Allah be Praised!!!”, and just see what happens.
Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the witness. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had just awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their getup and their bland faces. Well the woman obviously was supposed to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said: “We’re . . . we’re . . . we’re . . . we’re . . . we’re . . . ” And then she stared helplessly at the other one and he said: “uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . “ I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said, “I . . . WILL . . . TAKE . . . YOUR . . . LITERATURE . . . AND . . . GIVE . . . IT . . . TO . . . MY . . . MASTER.” The man quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. They did not ask for a donation. They ran. It’s a true story, and they never came back.
A friend claims that when Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
A guy goes up to my friend’s friend and asks, “Can I talk to you about God?” She says, “Sure, what would you like to know?”
JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts my friend’s dinner. If you knew her like I knew her, you wouldn’t do that.
Friend: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
JW: May I ask what it is?
Friend: I’d really rather not say. (Pregnant pause) I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.
Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.
Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, “I’m sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.”
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SAYINGS TO PONDER
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it!
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VARIATIONS ON “HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS”
Hari Krishna He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first.
Atheism There is no toy maker.
Polytheism There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism The toys made themselves.
Christian Scientist We are the toys.
Communism Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai All toys are just fine with us.
Amish Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Southern Baptist If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.
Jehovah's Witnesses He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Unitarian Universalism We still haven't decided if the toys exist.
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WHY?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do,” is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4's”?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
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SNIPPETS FROM YOGI BERRA
"In baseball, you don't know nothing."
"The game's not over until it's over."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"It ain't the heat, it's the humility."
"If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop 'em"
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
"I never said most of the things I said."
When told by the New York mayor's wife that he looked cool in his new summer suit, Yogi said, "You don't look so hot yourself."
"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." (Submitted by John F. Gross)
"It's like deja vu all over again."
Asked if the fans that ran naked on the field were men or women, Berra replied, "I don't know. They had bags over their heads."
"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."
"So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."
"How can a guy hit and think at the same time?"
"It gets late early out there."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Dining at an Italian restaurant, a waitress asked Berra how many slices she should cut his pizza, he replied, "You better make it 4, I don't think I could eat 8."
"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."
Proving the seed never falls far from the tree, Dale Berra said: "You can't compare me to my father. Our similarities are different."
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THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU VISITED THE WRONG CHURCH ON SUMMER VACATION
10 The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!
9 The offering plate is passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
8 The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"!
7 The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
6 The bulletin had advertisements for The Guns and Guts Tavern with The Sunday Road Kill Buffet!
5 The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation, and she is 78.
4 The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book. . ."
3 The pastor announces that the liturgy will be sung to the tune of either:
a “Wagner's Etude in F Sharp Minor” and raises his baton
or
b "Jesus Is a Friend Just like My Pickup and Hound Dog."
2 The pastor announces that the sanctuary is too warm for robes and removes hers, and she is wearing a halter top and hot pants.
1 When the choir sings the dogs outside begin to howl—and they sound better!.
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THE CROSSING
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer:
PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE W. BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?
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MUSICAL BANTER
1 My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.
- Cole Porter
2 Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already.
- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.
3 (Musicians) talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art.
- Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.
4 The amount of money one needs is terrifying...
- Ludwig van Beethoven
5 Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.
- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
6 I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet.
- Niccolo Paganini
7 Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
- Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Mich.
8 If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation.
- Oscar Wilde
9 Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
- Mel Brooks
10 You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow.
- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket
11 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain
12 I love Beethoven, especially the poems.
- Ringo Starr
13 If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder.
- Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland
14 There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major.
- Sergei Prokofiev
15 I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?
- Dimitri Mitropoulos
16 God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.
- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player
17 Already too loud!
- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments
18 I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere.
- Frederic Chopin
19 When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller
20 Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.
- Richard Strauss
21 In opera, there is always too much singing.
- Claude Debussy
22 Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no singers!
- Gioacchino Rossini
23 Movie music is noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica.
- Sir Thomas Beecham
24 I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th century that has made giant strides in reverse.
- Bing Crosby
25 Theirs (the Beatles') is a happy, cocky, belligerently resourceless brand of harmonic primitivism... In the Liverpudlian repertoire, the indulged amateurishness of the musical material, though closely rivaled by the indifference of the performing style, is actually surpassed only by the ineptitude of the studio production method. "Strawberry Fields" suggests a chance encounter at a mountain wedding between Claudio Monteverdi and a jug band.
- Glenn Gould
26 It's pretty clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of undifferentiated weirdness.
- Jerry Garcia
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PIOUS SAYINGS
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee and went back in time.
Author: unknown
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A-MUSE-ICAL DICTIONARY
Adagio Formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.
Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.
Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs
Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...
Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.
Good Conductor: 1) A person who can give an electrifying performance. 2) alternative use, one who obeys the orchestra and/or chorus.
Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.
Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.
Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.
Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.
Poochini Musical: performance, accompanied by a dog.
Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea "If it ain't baroque, don't fix it."
Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.
Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
ZZZfortzando: Playing REALLY loud in order to wake up the audience.
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MID-WEEK HUMOR
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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T-SHIRT SLOGANS
I Childproofed My House, but They Still Get In.
(On the Front) 60 Is Not Old.
(On the Back) If You're a Tree.
I'm Still Hot. It Just Comes in Flashes.
At My Age, "Getting Lucky" Means Finding My Car in the Parking Lot.
My Reality Check Just Bounced.
Life Is Short. . Make Fun of it
I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 plus Tax.
Physically Pffffft!>
Buckle Up. It Makes it Harder for the Aliens to Snatch You from Your Car.
It's My Cat's World. I'm Just Here to Open Cans.
Keep Staring....I May Do a Trick.
We Got Rid of the Kids. The Cat Was Allergic.
Dangerously Under-medicated.
My Mind Works like Lightning. One Brilliant Flash and It's Gone.
Every Time I Hear the Dirty Word "Exercise" I Wash My Mouth out with Chocolate.
Cats Regard People as Warm-blooded Furniture.
My Wife Came with Instructions---lots of Instructions.
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THE DYSFUNCTIONAL SECTION OF A HALLMARK STORE
I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life . . .
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life . . .
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am . . .
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go . . .
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to marry . . .
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age . . .
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you said you'd die for me . . .
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
We've been friends for a very long time . . .
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you . . .
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy . . .
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket . . .
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday . . .
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
Looking back over the years we've been together, can't help but wonder . . .
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! . . .
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
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REDNECK CHURCH
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"
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ANAGRAMS
Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in `em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
President Clinton of the USA: When you rearrange the letters: to Copulate He Finds Interns.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1 No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2 When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4 Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5 You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6 Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10 The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1 Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2 Wrinkles don't hurt.
3 Families are like fudge.. .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4 Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5 Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6 Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3 When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5 It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6 Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7 Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1 You believe in Santa Claus.
2 You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 You are Santa Claus.
4 You look like Santa Claus.
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MEMO
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
DATE: June 2005
RE: Miscellaneous
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the" Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2 I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4 The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5 The sofa is not a `face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6 The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7 My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8 I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9 I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10 Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11 I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12 I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13 I will not throw up in the car.
14 I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15 I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16 The cat is not a `squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?