Angered by Snubbing, Libya, China, Syria Form “Axis of Just as Evil”; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form “Axis of Somewhat Evil”; Other Nations Start Own Clubs.
Beijing. Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil”, Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which, they said, would be “way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis” President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, “for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we’re the best.”
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
“An axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil axis. So you can only have three. And a secret Handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”
The Axis Pandemic
International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as, within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the “Axis of Somewhat Evil,” forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil,” while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil, Really, As Just Generally Disagreeable.”
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the “Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics”; Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations Actually quite Nice But Secretly Having Nasty Thoughts About America,” while Spain, Scotland and New Zealand established the “Axis of Countries That Want to Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick”. “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,”said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most Axes, although he rejected establishment of the “Axis of Countries Whose Names End in ‘Guay’”, accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but, privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.