HEATHENS IDOLIZE SCHOOL PRAYER
BY John Hintergerger, /The Seattle Times/, date unknown
"Ahhhhoooo!"
"Shhh! You can't howl in the Board of Education offices."
"Now hold on! What in the name of God are you people doing? Why are you dressed up in all those old fur vests?"
"You guessed it! We're here in the name of God. We are the elders of the United Church of Barbarians, Orthodox Pagans and Druids, Scientist."
"Ahhhhhhhhoooooo!"
"Pipe down, Beowulf. Beowulf sometimes gets carried away."
"Oh, I get it. You are here to protest the school prayer amendment issue."
"No. No. We are all for it. It's time someone put Thor back into the classroom."
"Thor?"
"Sure, Thor. Also Woden, Frigga, and the Ancient Ones. You see, we heard that under the terms of the president's proposed amendment to allow school prayer, the content of the prayers could be taken from classic world religions or be written by local clergy. We just want to make sure that our congregation is represented."
"That seems reasonable, but it seems you're a rather minor ..."
"Ahhhhhooooo!"
"Beowulf, knockin' sie off! Sir, we are a nation of religious minorities. With 51 million members, the Roman Catholics are the largest single denomination (there are about a half million evangelical Christians by comparison), but the United States doesn't have a dominant religion."
"I see. Well, what form of prayer do you want?"
"It varies. On Monday, we'd appreciate if all of the children could bow their heads and worship the moon."
"The Moon?!?"
"Well, that's what it means. Moon day, from Monan Daeg or Montag. What did you think Monday meant? Moon Day is kinda special to us. We like to howl a bit."
"Well, I suppose since it's only one day of the ..."
"Now Tuesday is another matter. Tuesdays we think the children should drink mead and practice sword fights."
"Sword fights?!?"
"Well, perhaps it would be enough if they just had a silent moment of bloody thoughts in honor of Tiw, the Teutonic god of war. I mean, if you're going to use the name of our war god on your calendar, at least pay him a little appropriate respect."
"Tiw likes swords?"
"Loves 'em. Wednesday, of course is our big day. We really go nuts on Wednesday. Woden is our chief Teutonic god (and also Olaf the Norselander's -- he calls him Odin) and Wodnesdaeg is our day of religious frenzy. If you look up the root words in old German, you'll find that wodeno means raging or insane, or carried
away by the spirit. We like to do it up right. Lots of chanting and howling."
"Ahhhhhhhhoooooo!"
"Shhh, Beowulf. I know it's Wednesday, but lighten up. Thursday, the schoolchildren should make great groaning noises for a minute or two. It's the day of Thunder."
"But what about Jesus? And God? And the Virgin Mary? What about them? We can't have all the kids in America groaning every Thursday."
"God? What do you think we're talking about? As for the other two you mentioned, they are relative newcomers. If you don't want your kids to worship Thor, the god of thunder, on Thursdays, stop using His name in vain."
"I suppose you have plans for Friday as well."
"Funny you should ask. Friday is a day for making love. Now, here's our plan ..."
"Stop! You can't impose your crazy values on the children of the nation."
"Frigga ..."
"Don't talk to me like that!"
"Friday is Frigga's day. Frigga is the wife of Woden. It's the day of love, of warmth, of passion. It's always been. Even the Romans called it Veneris Dies, Venus's Day. And statistically, more Americans make love on Friday night than on any other night of the week. Frigg (or Frigga) is very big."
"I don't care!"
"Don't you want your children to know what Friday means? They'll be saying it all their lives."
"I don't want them to know anything about all this wierdo rubbish. I just want them to put God back in the schools, where He belongs."
"So do we. But whose god? "
"Mine. Ours!"
"Ahhhhhhoooooo!"
"Oh, go ahead, Beowulf. What the heck, it's Wodensdaeg. Get spiritual. Go crazy."