Top Ten Ways To Make New York a Nicer Place to Live
10.  Goodbye, crack dens -- hello, luxury crack suites!
 9.  Have Mayor Giuliani change his last name to "McCheese."
 8.  Replace jarring ambulance sirens with recording of "Mmmbop."
 7.  Instead of cabs, giant winged monkeys that carry you by
     your suspenders.
 6.  Attach outboard motor to Manhattan island and drive the
      sumbitch to the Bahamas.
 5.  For first time in 30 years, start enforcing "no homicide"
     rule.
 4.  No throwing up in subway unless you're in a specially
     designated "vomiting seat."
 3.  All criminal cases decided by that delightful Judge Judy.
 2.  Hookers who "just want to cuddle."
 1.  Change name to "New and Improved York."

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