This work is lovingly dedicated to
The Elite Dungaroo Club

Special thanks to
The House,
that really cool
haunted house in
the Fallbrook Mall.

"We're almost there!"

Matt sighed. Why did he have to be the one to take his little sister to the haunted house? He had better things to do. Like his CORE homework. At this point he'd rather be at home studying than in line for a stupid kiddy attraction. Besides, his sister wasn't normal. Heather wouldn't be scared, she'd think it was funny. She'd start talking to a ghoul, or worse, she'd go up to some zombie and give them a big kiss. It was too embarrassing to think about.

The people in front of them in line went in. Heather was jumpy. She had been waiting for this all week. Standing in line didn't help. She could hear the screams of the others, the pounding, the chain saws. She grew more excited with each passing second.

The guy running the front entrance kneeled down in front of Heather and said, "you ready for terror, little one?"

Heather just giggled.

The guy straightened up and looked at Matt. "What about you, big brother?"

"I'm not getting paid for this," Matt replied sourly.

The guy shrugged his shoulders and turned away. Then suddenly he pounded on the door loudly. He opened the door and screamed into the house, "FRESH MEAT!!!!"

Heather laughed.

The guy held the door for them as they went in. Heather entered as if she had springs on her feet. Matt entered as if he had lead weights on his.

The door slammed behind them, and they were in complete darkness.

A blue light was turned on in their faces as they put their hands up to block the glare. There was illuminated mist all around them. They couldn't see anything but blue mist. It was quiet. There were no screams or chain saws.

"Uh, hello?," Matt called out into the mist. He shot a questioning look at Heather.

She shook her head. The ghouls were probably hiding and going to jump out at them. She smiled at the thought. She loved this stuff! She waited for the "Boo!."

And waited.

They had been waiting for nearly five minutes. Matt turned around to go back out the door, but there was no door. Wait a second, he thought, we didn't walk away from it. He felt around for the wall, but all he found was blue mist.

Heather screamed.

Matt turned around and there was nothing but blue mist. He could hear Heather's screams of protest as she was carried farther away from him. She called out for help and Matt tried to follow the sound. Then the blue light went out and Matt could see nothing...and hear nothing. It was dark and silent again.

"Heather!!," he called out into the darkness.

There was no answer.

Then a yellow light was turned on and lit up the mist, just as the blue light had. Matt looked around. Out of the now subsiding mist stepped a pale corpse dressed all in black. The mist was fog at their feet.

"Ok, this is real funny," Matt said to the corpse. "What did you do with my sister?"

"Do not worry. She has not been harmed," the corpse said with an unrecognizable accent. "Yet," he added.

"What do you mean, where is she?"

"You must find her yourself. I can guide you, if you wish. But what you must do to find her you must do alone."

"Well, what do I do?," Matt asked.

"You are an 11th grade Magnet student at Cleveland High, are you not?"

"Yeah. So? What's that got to do with anything?"

The corpse held up a piece of paper. It was Matt's mid-semester report card. Matt said, "how did you get that?"

"Look at the grade, Matthew. You are capable of much more than this."

"You're starting to sound like my parents and teachers. What does my CORE grade have to do with finding Heather?"

The corpse told Matt, "to find your sister, you must pass successfully through the six rooms of this house. Each room will help you improve your writing ability."

"And what do you get out of all of this, corpse," Matt asked.

"The point is that you get your sister back. You will not, unless you pay attention in each room and correctly answer the questions the Guardians of the Rooms give you."

Matt thought this was odd. Was this a joke played on him by the haunted house performers? Or did they step into the Twilight Zone, and these were real goblins? Matt didn't know, and didn't care. He just wanted to find Heather and get out of there.

"Lead on, corpse," Matt said.

The corpse, reaching under the source of the light, opened a door Matt could have sworn wasn't there a minute ago. It motioned for Matt to enter first. Matt gulped and went through the doorway. It was dark in the room, but the yellow light allowed him to see the outlines of two figures. He heard the door slam, figuring the corpse had closed it behind him. But he turned to see that the corpse was not there.

Matt heard a crackley voice from the shadows say, "Hell has been described as a CORE essay's introduction." One figure lit a candle, lighting up its horrid face. "We will show you how to get past the Gates of Hell," it said. It blew out the candle in its hands, and about a hundred other candles around them lit on their own. Matt now saw that the two figures were old hags.

"Hey, I thought my intros were pretty good," Matt said defensively.

One hag said, "the introduction has to grab the reader's attention. Many times a large amount of the grade will be based on the introduction. If your introduction is not well written it can bring your grade down."

The other hag added, "you should avoid starting with phrases like, 'Throughout history...' and 'Since the dawn of time...'. They may seem impressive, but they've been, excuse the expression, done to death." Both cackled hysterically.

"Okay," Matt said. "So how should I start it?"

"College professors and 11th grade CORE teachers like it if you start with a quotation related to the subject of the essay."

"Yeah, but I could never think of one," Matt said.

That is because you think a quote has to be something someone famous said," the first witch said. "The quote you use could be as ancient as this..." The witch handed a tattered piece of paper to Matt. On it was written, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."

The second witch said, "or the quote you use could be contemporary..." She handed him another paper. It said, "the light at the end of the tunnel...may be you."

"This is from an Aerosmith song. I can't use this."

The hags scowled. "You can use anything that has been published, be it from the Bible or from a pop rock song. When you leave this place, search your house for different quotes."

"Great. Thanks. So, where's the door?"

The witches screeched.

"You should not be in such a hurry to leave, young man."

Your introduction still needs much work."

"I guess now you're going to tell me how much my thesis sucks, huh," Matt figured.

"Your thesis, surprisingly, was acceptable. It stated clearly what you were going to discuss throughout the essay," one hag said.

"But your map was, well, non-existent," said the other.

"Map? I'm not looking for buried treasure," Matt said.

Do not talk back, boy! Do not forget who the treasure is in this particular essay!"

"If you prefer, we'll bury her, mark her with an X, and then help you with your map." They cackled out of control as before.

Matt grew angry, but said nothing. It wouldn't help antagonizing the witches.

"Your map, boy, tells the reader where each of the body paragraphs will go to develop the thesis. And map sentences should contain no evidence."

"Evidence belongs in the body paragraphs."

"So my first map sentence tells the reader what my first body paragraph will be about," Matt said, catching on.

"Ah! He understands!" The hags did a little dance. Then suddenly, one stopped and said, "oh! What about the I's?"

Matt thought, now I know eyes have nothing to do with intro structure.

"Not those kinds of eyes. I mean 'I', and 'me' and 'you,'" she said, pointing first to herself, then to him.

"Never, never use these. Personal pronouns in an essay are like frogs toes in slug soufflé."

"It completely ruins it."

"I think I understand," Matt said, sickened.

"Now," said one hag, "we're supposed to give you a test." She checked her pockets. "But where did I put it?"

"You put it in your shoe, so you wouldn't forget where you put it," the other reminded her.

The witch pulled it out and handed it, and a pencil, to Matt. The test looked like this:

Matt completed the test and gave it back to the hags. They both looked it over, glancing sometimes at Matt. He thought he did well. Because of the witches he understood what he had been doing wrong. He was sure he would be allowed to go on to the next room.

The witches hobbled over to Matt and gave him back his test. They also handed him a cloth bag with a tie string at the top.

"You did well," they said. "Keep this bag as you pass through the other rooms. Keep your notes, examples and tests in this bag. Look to them for reference when you have an essay to do."

"Thank you," Matt said.

Two more candles lit themselves, allowing Matt to see the door. He turned to the witches but they held up their hands before he could speak. "Just go through the door," they said. "If you pay attention in the other rooms as you did in here, you will find your sister in no time." Together, they blew him a kiss, and all the candles went out except for the two marking the door. The witches could not be seen. Matt turned and went through the door.

The corpse said, "I have been waiting for you."

"Yeah, well, there were these witches and..."

"Come. There is still much to accomplish." The corpse led Matt down a dimly lit hall. "The witches gave you the bag, I see. Good. I was afraid they might forget."

"One forgot where she put my test," Matt said.

"Yes, and the other one remembered where her sister had put it. That is often the case. That is why they travel in pairs."

"So what's next?" Matt asked.

The corpse turned a corner, where there was another door. He held it open for Matt. "What follows the introduction?"

Matt wondered if the corpse was going to meet him at the other end again. But before he could ask...

"No, this time I will join you," the corpse said.

"What, are all the un-dead mind readers, or something?"

The corpse laughed a deep, quiet laugh as they entered the room.

The room resembled a cemetery at night. There were open graves, graves where the crypts were being forced up by their occupants, and an undertaker digging a new hole. Matt thought it was creepy. The corpse walked over to an empty coffin and laid in it, saying, "wake me when the lesson is over." And he closed the lid himself.

"So," said the undertaker. "You're the kid who can't write, huh?"

"I guess. What was wrong with my body paragraphs?"

"Oh, a whole load of crap." The undertaker dug as he spoke. "I was reading one of your essays, and it drove me crazy. You kept changing your tenses."

"Huh?"

"First you were writing in the past tense. Then, all of a sudden, everything was in the present. Then back to the past. Look, kid, stick to one tense. It's much easier for the reader. And if you want my advice, stick to the present tense. That'll be easier on you as a writer."

Matt said, "well, what if I'm talking about something that happened in the past?"

"Stay in the present tense anyway. That's call the Historical Present."

"Historical Present. Like when the textbooks say 'This painting is of a Roman courtyard and depicts an oath being taken.' It's always talking in the present, even if the artist is dead or the painting was destroyed."

"Yeah, that's it. Just remember to be consistent." The undertaker moved to a different site and started digging there.

"You remember what the witches said about maps?"

"Yes," Matt replied.

"Each of your bodies has to follow the map. If your first map sentence said you were going to show the work of craniometrists in the 19th century, don't put anything about IQ tests in the first paragraph of the body."

"That's why it's called a map, because that's what you follow," Matt said.

"Hey, you're sharper than you look.

"Next you have to have a Topic Sentence for each body. It should argue the thesis. Now, you could just restate that particular map sentence, but since repetition is a bad thing, you should try to restate it. Instead of intelligent, say smart or brainy, anything to avoid repeating yourself."

"Topic Sentence, avoid repetition. Got it," Matt said.

"Okay, now in each body, there has to be evidence. Teachers like the number three a lot. If you can provide three examples to back each topic sentence, then, boy, that's better than bringing your teacher Red Vines."

Matt laughed.

"Oh, and use each argument once. Don't give an example for the first topic and then go and use the same example for another topic. Remember, don't repeat yourself."

"What about transitions? My teachers are always telling me I don't have a grasp on transitions," Matt said.

"I was just getting to that," the undertaker said as he threw a shovel full of dirt over his shoulder. He looked at a coffin sitting at the head of the hole he was digging.

"Hey kid, come help me with this."

Matt stood at the foot of the coffin as the undertaker put a hook on the head of it. He threw another hook to Matt, and told him to hook it to the foot. Matt saw that the hooks and the coffin were attached to a pulley system. The undertaker pulled a rope and the coffin lifted off the ground.

"Transitions are words or phrases that are at the beginning of the body paragraphs," he said as he pulled. "Hold on a second." He positioned the pulley system so that the coffin was dangling over the grave. The undertaker slowly lowered the coffin into the grave.

He reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper.

"This is a list of commonly used transitions. They're in categories, by how to use them. There are ones for time, like soon, next, later and finally. When contrasting something use but, on the other hand, however, etc. When you're stating something in a sequence, words to use would be also, furthermore, and another. When giving examples, some good transitions are for example and for instance. And when all of your evidence has been stated and you're summing up the paragraph in the last sentence, use therefore, thus, and consequently." The undertaker folded the list in half and gave it to Matt. "Keep this list to use later. Trust me, it'll come in handy."

"Thanks a lot," said Matt.

"Hey, thank you for helping me bury this guy," the undertaker replied as he began shoveling dirt back into the grave. Then he stopped.

"I almost forgot." He took out another piece of paper. "Here's your test. You should have no trouble with it." He went back to filling the hole.

Matt's test was easy. He was finished with each question before the undertaker had finished shoveling dirt.

This is what Matt's test looked like:

The undertaker checked Matt's test. He nodded, then smiled and said, "this is great, kid. Keep it up and you'll be out of here sooner than I can bury a stiff. Now, you'd better go wake your friend up, I need the coffin back."

Matt went to the coffin where the corpse was sleeping. He knocked on the lid, but there was no answer. He slowly opened the lid.

The corpse was gone.

"Where did he go?," Matt asked.

"Uh, he might have gone on to the next room to make sure they were ready," the undertaker said.

"So how do I get there?"

"Well, why don't you try the way he went? Lay in the coffin and close the lid. See what happens."

"Are you crazy?," Matt replied. "I'm not getting in there."

"Look, kid, the more you fuss about it the more time you lose." The undertaker walked over to where he was standing. "You're running out of time," he said as he pushed Matt into the coffin, "so get moving." And he slammed the lid shut before Matt could protest again.

It was dark, cramped and stuffy. Now Matt knew why the dead preferred them more than the living did. Matt heard muffled sounds coming from outside the coffin. he tried to lift the lid, but it was jammed. Oh great, he thought.

Then a ghoul opened the lid, and Matt could tell they were having a party. He sat up in his coffin, only to be gawked upon by the party people. There was a fog machine somewhere, a loud band, and a refreshment table. On the table was a platter of finger sandwiches and a dark red liquid in the punch bowl. Matt didn't know whether to laugh or hurl.

The band stopped playing, and a goblin with scars all over his face and wearing a tux stood at the microphone. He held cue cards in his hand and began reading from them.

"Thank you all for coming tonight. We'd like to thank Deceased Decorators for the decorations and Cryptic Catering for the refreshments." Everyone applauded.

"Now," the MC said, "it's time to award the prizes. The first award, for Worst Hair, goes to the Bride of Frankenstein." A woman with a white streak in her frizzed hair came up to the stage.

The MC continued. "For the Most Personality Conflicts, we have a tie. The winners are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." One man, looking half-crazed, joined the woman on stage.

Then the MC said, "Finally, the winner of the surprise category, which was Most Improved CORE Essay, is...Matt!"

Matt was taken aback. Two guests helped him out of the coffin and led him to the stage. He stood with the MC at the microphone, the crowd going wild.

"So Matt," said the MC, "how did you make it all this way?"

"Uh, I just listened to what the Guardians had to say. Then I took their tests."

"And now you're here, accepting this great honor. Let's here it again for Matt." The audience broke into another round of applause. Suddenly the back doors swung open, and an angry looking ghoul charged in, carrying a sheet of paper.

"Stop!," he yelled. "That boy is not worthy of that award."

The audience began whispering, astonished.

"My dear friend, what do you mean?," asked the MC.

"He has not learned half of what he needs to know to master the essay." The ghoul held up the piece of paper. "He hasn't even learned the conclusion yet."

Matt stepped off the stage and headed towards the disruptive ghoul. "So teach me," he said.

The audience was now totally silent.

"You, boy, have a habit of re-wording your introduction to make a conclusion."

"How do I fix it?," Matt asked.

"For one, nothing that was in your map should be in the conclusion. That's what the body paragraphs are for. Next, the essay should end with something wise, something memorable. And you didn't use 'I' statements in any other part of the essay, so why start now?"

"Wait," Matt said. "Sometimes the conclusion's prompt asks our opinion. How are we supposed to state our opinion without using an 'I' statement?"

"It is possible, but in your case, you're right. Then, because the teacher permits it, 'I' statements can be used. But remember, this is the exception, not the rule.

"Finally, the concluding paragraph should be a minimum of three sentences, and a maximum of five. No one or two sentence conclusions."

"Yes sir," Matt said.

"Here." The ghoul handed him the test. "Complete this, and it will aid you later."

The test was as follows:

The ghoul led Matt back onto the stage, where the corpse was now standing with the MC. "Let's have another round of applause for Matt," the MC said, "and we wish you luck on your next task."

As the audience clapped, Matt said to the corpse, "how did we get from the cemetery to a party?"

"Would you believe me if I said it was a magic coffin?," the corpse asked.

"At this point I'm willing to believe anything." Matt thought about everything he'd seen up to that point. Then he thought of Heather. She would have gotten a kick out of the whole experience. He hoped she was okay.

"Follow me," the corpse said, leading him off the stage.

They went out a back stage door, and were back in the dim hallway. They walked four doors down the hall and entered another room.

Once they were in the room, it seemed as if they were on a dock at night. The ever-present fog loomed at their feet. The moon was full. There was a docked ship with torn sails. On board were about twenty skeletons all dressed as pirates. Matt felt a chill go up his spine. The captain, the only moving skeleton on the ship, came out of his cabin and hobbled down the plank towards them.

"Arrgg!!," the captain growled. "Ye be the boy I'm supposed to teach, ay?," he said. The corpse stood nearby, motionless, as the old pirate spoke.

"Uh, I guess." Matt was confused. "But I've already learned about introductions, body paragraphs and conclusions. What else is left?"

"Aye, what else ye be askin'?," the pirate answered. "Why, what about the title and quotes in the essay." The captain poked Matt with his index finger. "What about yer footnotes, boy?"

"Well, I always thought all that stuff was kind of insignificant compared to the paragraphs and information and stuff," Matt replied.

"They may not be the most important parts of yer essay, but they're still important." The captain sat down on a nearby crate. "Ah, me old bones won't be holdin' out much longer.

"Now, we'll start with the titles. When yer talkin' about a book, movie, album or whatever, what do ye do?"

Matt thought. "Um, I'd underline it?," he finally said.

"Very good, me boy. What about a specific chapter in the book, or a specific song? What do ye do then?"

"I underline it with the big title," Matt said, unsure.

"NO! No, no boy. Don't ye ever pay attention in yer class? Ye put it in quotes," the captain said.

"So if I'm putting a line from the book or song in the essay I put it in quotes, but if it's the bib title it's underlined," Matt said.

"Don't ye be skippin' around. We ain't to quotes yet." The captain was becoming exasperated. "I'll give ye an example. Yer a fan of Aerosmith, I heard. Aye. If yer talkin' about an Aerosmith album, like...uh..."

"Big Ones?," Matt interjected.

"Yeah, alright. Ye'd underline the title Big Ones, but if yer talkin' about a specific song off the album ye'd put quotation marks around its title. Get it?"

"If I'm talking about Big Ones and specifically 'Blind Man,' then I underline Big Ones and put quotes around 'Blind Man.' Got it," Matt said.

"That's great, me boy. Yer really catchin' on."

The corpse remained motionless.

"Ye remember yer openin' quote?," the captain continued. "Well, what if ye wanted to put another quote in, say in the body paragraphs? How would ye be goin' about that?," the pirate asked.

"I put it in quotes too." Matt saw the captain's sour face. "Right?," Matt asked.

"If it's small enough, then yes, and ye have to remember to site the source and author. But if yer quote is half a page long, then ye don't want to be writin' it within the paragraph. Ye separate it in as many ways as possible; ye skip a line before and after, but change the line spacing to one, or ye indent each line. Some folk even do both."

"That's how it's written in our handouts," Matt said.

"Really? Then I'm surprised ye haven't picked up on it yet."

"Well, I..."

"Save it, boy. We're runnin' out of time. Now pay attention, this is important." The pirate reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper.

"These are examples of footnotes and endnotes. Read them over and tell me if ye have any questions."

Matt looked at the list and saw this:

"It seems like doing endnotes would be easier," Matt said.

"Aye, that they are, matey," the captain answered. "It's tough to estimate how much room ye be needin' at the end of each page fer the footnote, especially if ye not be usin' a computer." The pirate dug around in another pocket until he found the test. "Here ye go, me lad. And good luck to ye."

This is a piece of cake, Matt thought as he completed the test:

The captain took all of two minutes looking at Matt's test.

"Congratulations, me boy. Ye be on yer way!"

Matt was pleased with himself. His teachers would be surprised. He could tell his writing would improve tremendously. More importantly, soon he would find Heather and get the both of them out of there.

"Lad, let me give ye a word of advice. Yer next challenge is a tough one. It can get very confusin', so I'd pay real close attention...to whichever one seems to be makin' the most sense to ye," the pirate advised.

"What do you mean?," Matt asked.

"Ye'll be seein' real soon." The captain hobbled back up the plank and turned around to face Matt. "Just remember to pay attention, and ye'll do fine."

And with that, the captain collapsed into nothing but a pile of bones.

The corpse, having been in a "zombie" like state the entire lesson, slowly walked over to Matt.

Matt said, "oh. It moves."

"Ha, ha," the corpse replied sarcastically. "Come with me." He led Matt up the plank. They carefully stepped over the captain's bones, and the corpse opened the captain's cabin door. Matt stepped through the doorway and the corpse followed, closing the door behind him.

In front of them was a wide staircase. Candle holders that looked realistically like human hands lined the walls of the staircase. The corpse glided up the stairs and Matt followed. At the top was a single door. There was an odd doormat that said "Welcome" on the left side and "Go Away" on the right side.

"Have you ever seen a man with two heads?," the corpse asked.

"Can't say that I have," Matt replied.

"Well, there's a first time for everything," he said as he opened the door. They walked into a dark living room. On a sofa sat, as the corpse had said, a man with two heads. One head, the left one, saw them come in and nodded a greeting. The right head was sleeping.

"Did we come at a bad time?," the corpse asked.

"Oh, no. He just had a little too much fun at the party," the left head said. "You must be Matt. Come in, sit down. I'm Harry, and sleeping beauty over here is Larry." Harry shook Larry with their left hand. "Larry, get it together. We have company."

Larry woke reluctantly and bid Matt and the corpse a groggy hello.

"Can I get you anything? A Bloody Mary, maybe?," Harry offered.

"No, thank you. We're on a tight schedule. I think we should just go on ahead with the lesson," the corpse said.

"Yes," Harry said as he looked at Larry, who was dosing off again. "I believe that would be best as well."

Larry said, "huh? Oh, yeah. Hey, is this the comma section?"

Harry said, "it's not just commas, Larry." He turned to Matt. "This will be a lot of information, so it will be presented to you in five sections."

"Five? That is a lot," Matt agreed.

"The first," Harry went on, "is just some background information on sentence structure. The other sections will go into much more detail.

"There are three helpful rules you should be aware of. First, sentence combining is a tool for the author. Second, and this is very important, a comma alone..."

"...fixes nothing," Larry interrupted. "They used to nail me with that one all the time."

Harry cleared his throat. "Third, the easiest way to fix a sentence is with a period. Just remember these and your sentences will begin to show improvement."

"Can I explain about the clauses?," Larry begged.

"Are you sure you have all the information straight?," Harry asked.

"Uh, sure. I got it."

"Alright, go ahead."

"Okay. This section is about clauses. Clauses are, like, sentences where it's okay to use commas and stuff. You got your positive clauses and...oh wait. Lemme give you the list. Harry, where did I put the list?"

"Try the middle desk drawer, where you always put something if you don't want to lose it."

"Oh yeah." Larry and Harry got up and retrieved the list. They sat back down and gave it to Matt.

Larry continued. "See the positive one? It says 'My sister, Gelica, has long nails.' It shows you where the commas go, like, in their right places. The next one, the who and which and that one, says 'My sister, who has long nails, threatens to rip my heart out and show it to me before I die.'"

"Okay," Matt said tentatively.

"There," Larry said, pointing, "that's a list of conjunctive adverbs. You use words like consequently, therefore, and however. Then you use that and a comma or a semi-colon to join two sentences together. 'My sister has long nails; therefore she thinks it is necessary for her to threaten to rip my heart out.' Like that." Larry turned to Harry. "How was that?," he asked.

"Garbled and unclear. He'll just have to study the list because we're running out of time."

Harry reached for a pencil that was on the coffee table and handed it to Matt. "Use this to make a list on the back of that one of the words I am about to give you. These are coordinating conjunctions." Harry noticed the corpse sitting quietly. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?"

"I'm fine, thanks," the corpse said.

"Okay, I'm ready," Matt said.

"Unlike conjunctive adverbs, there are seven coordinating conjunctions and seven only. They are: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so." Harry paused.

"What were the last two?," Matt asked.

"Yet and so. An example of this would be 'My sister cut her nails, but she still threatens my life.'"

"Go Gelica!"

"I didn't interrupt you, Larry," Harry scolded.

"The fourth section has to do with subordinating words. Here's the list: when, after, before, because..." Harry paused again, waiting for Matt to finish writing. "...while, since, unless, until, etc. Now, pay close attention to this rule. Ready? When a subordinating word begins a sentence, a comma is needed. This rule is specific and there are no exceptions. For example, 'Unless she cuts her nails, my sister will continue to threaten my life.' Larry, say nothing."

Larry tapped a finger on his right knee.

"Also," Harry added, "no comma is needed when a subordinating word is used within the sentence."

It was clear that Larry found all of this boring. "Are we almost done?"

"Patience is a virtue, Larry," Harry said.

"Yeah, and colons are a pain in the neck. So let's get them over with already. We're going to miss everything."

"What's going on? Another party?," Matt asked.

Larry and Harry glanced at each other. "Not exactly," they said in unison.

"I'll check and see what's happening," the corpse offered, already on his feet. "Will you escort Matt after the lesson?"

"Absolutely. We'll be along in a minute," Harry said.

"Ooh, I can't wait," Larry said as the corpse left.

"I wish you'd tell me what was going to happen," Matt said.

"You'll see momentarily. Concentrate on the task at hand for the moment. The final section is on colons. Colons indicate something big, such as a quote or a list, but since CORE teachers don't like to see lists, you won't need to use them in that context. But you can use them when you're about to go into a long quote that you intend to indent."

"Right," Matt said.

"Semi-colons may join two related sentences together. For example, say you have two sentences that read 'I like to sit in a graveyard' and 'You like to sleep in a graveyard.' You can combine them using a semi-colon, 'I like to sit in a graveyard; you like to sleep in one.'

"I'm sorry for the rush. We are quite pressed for time. I'll give you a minute to look over your notes." Harry and Larry rose and walked to the desk. They picked up a piece of paper, presumably Matt's test. They sat down again, and Larry reached under the sofa cushion, found a Dorito, and popped it in his mouth.

"Larry, that is absolutely putrid," Harry said.

"Yeah, but it tastes good," Larry replied, licking his lips.

Harry handed Matt his test:

Matt handed the completed test to Harry. He admitted that this test was more difficult than the others were.

"That's because you were rushed, and I must apologize for that," Harry said. "But now we will not be late. Let's go at once." Mat followed Harry and Larry as they led him out the door.

The staircase Matt had previously climbed was no longer there, and somehow he was not surprised. There was now only a small corridor with two big double doors at the end. There was muffled speech coming from the other side of the doors. Larry opened the doors and they all stepped into what looked like a television studio for a game show. A pale hostess in a black dress walked over to the newcomers, took Matt by the arm, and led him to the center of the stage. Suddenly, an announcer's voice echoed through the studio.

"Welcome, ghouls and goblins, to the underworld's favorite game show, Save My Sister. The show where some unsuspecting live person must answer questions about CORE essays, or watch his little sister be impaled with red hot pokers."

The audience applauded loudly.

"Please welcome the host of the show, Chuck Meete!"

More cheers from the audience as the host stepped up next to where Matt was standing, bewildered.

"Thank you. You're all aware of the progress our contestant has made today. Well, we're here to see just how much progress he's actually made." Chuck turned to Matt. "So Matt, how would you feel now about writing an essay?"

"I've really learned a lot from the Guardians. I think I'm really prepared for the next in-class essay."

"Wonderful. Now, we'd like to introduce to the audience your incentive for today. Please welcome Matt's little sister Heather!"

Matt watched as Heather was rolled out on a vertical table, her hands and feet bound by metal cuffs. Matt started to run to her, but Chuck pulled him back.

"Oh, not so fast, Matt. You can't have the prize until you win the game."

The audience laughed.

"This game is quite simple. We ask you questions about the essay, you answer correctly, and you win the prize. But..." Chuck dragged out for suspense, "...you only have 60 seconds to answer all ten questions correctly, or else..." A metal rack, with red hot pokers aimed at Heather, was pushed out. It was attached to a track in the floor.

"No! That's insane!," Matt protested.

"Are you forfeiting the game? If you do, you lose the prize...forever."

Matt looked at Heather, who seemed oddly calm. He sighed. "Alright," he agreed, "let's begin."

"Great. Now, the clock and the pokers won't start to move until I have read the first question. Ready?," Chuck asked.

Matt nodded. The audience was "dead" silent.

"Here we go. What should you avoid in an introduction?," Chuck asked as the clock started to count down.

MATT:

'I' statements.

Chuck yelled, "stop the clock!"

It was stopped.

It read one second.

The audience exploded with applause. The metal cuffs that held Heather were released, and she and Matt ran to each other with outstretched arms.

While they both had their eyes closed, they were transported back to the empty room of mist, along with the corpse.

Matt turned to the corpse and said, "I'm not entirely sure what just happened here, but thank you."

"All that has happened is that you have been given a new understanding of the 11th grade CORE essay. Nothing more." The corpse looked above them, and they turned to see a clearly marked exit. Matt thanked the corpse again, and he and Heather left the building.

The corpse stood alone in the mist and the yellow light. From the front door, the man's voice could be heard.

"FRESH MEAT!!!"

The corpse smiled as he stepped back into the shadows.

The yellow light went out.

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ANSWERS TO MATT'S TESTS

INTRODUCTION
1. a, b. and d
2. None, because facts belong in the body paragraphs.
3. One for each section of the body.
4. c
5. A thesis should state clearly what is to be argued throughout the essay.

BODY PARAGRAPHS
1. Historical Present
2. three
3. once
4. five; time, sequence, example, contrasting, conclusion
5. a Topic Sentence; it tells the reader what the paragraph is going to focus on

CONCLUSION
1. shouldn't
2. 3-5 sentences
3. "I"; permitted
4. no; in the body paragraphs
5. isn't

TITLES, QUOTATIONS and FOOT/ENDNOTES
1. c
2. c
3. The title of the book is underlined, while the title of the chapter is in quotation marks.
4. endnotes
5. 1. title, author, publisher, copyright date

SENTENCE STRUCTURE
1. comma
2. c
3. for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so
4. When a subordinating word begins a sentence, a comma is needed.
5. b

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