She walked along slowly, not thinking about anything much in particular. No, she was concentrating on her steps. The cracks in the sidewalk became like landmines to her, and she remembered old games - "step on a crack, break your mother's back" - the memory couldn't make her smile. The insignifigance of such things was magnefied, and the thoughts added to the weight of her shoes. But it was still a distraction from the original ton glued to her step. It cleared her mind to deliberately avoid the cracks. Passing thoughts of who lived in the houses, the ants under her feet, who else had walked on this pavement, what they thought about...
The thoughts returned.
She knew she could never outrun those plaguing memories. They were like an anchor she had to constantly drag behind her. They were like a destructive flood: unavoidable and unstoppable. They even overflowed into her dreams, and then there was no escape. The images and emotions sometimes clung for days. It really put her acting abilities to the test. She couldn't let others see just how much pain she was feeling. They would take one glance at her and label her "depressed." It may have been that...but she knew in her soul it went far beyond depression. It was sadness and pain, anger, and disappointments. It was unfulfilled love, unmade promises.
But wasn't all that her fault, her own doing?
Was it?
Wasn't it?
How many other questions would remain unanswered?
Sometimes she felt insanity creeping in though these open doorways. There was no way to answer these questions. There was no way to ask them to anyone but herself. She used to consider herself brave and outgoing, but that was a long time ago, and so much has changed, she knew she could never ask. She shuddered inwardly at the thought of the awkwardness. Maybe one day, when she'd gathered enough courage (never). Maybe one day, when things settle down (until they froze and snapped). Maybe one day, when the answers became the thin barrier between her and insanity (better book the asylum now).
She sighed and continued walking.
The ants ducked under her shoe as they walked between the pavement blocks.