NARRATOR
This is a story unlike any other you have ever witnessed. When it is over, you will wish it had never started. We remind those with back problems, pregnant women, and children under 3 years of age that this skit may be hazardous to your health. Get off now while you still can!!
PERSON 1
Hey, hey, hey! You're gonna scare them.
PERSON 2 (standing in the back of the room)
TOO LATE!! (runs out the door)
PERSON 1
Oh, great. That's just what we needed. That's a real ego trip, Mac! Thanks a lot!
PERSON 3
Uh, that made no sense what so ever.
PERSON 4
That's okay, most of this skit won't make sense.
NARRATOR
Take that threat seriously, folks.
PERSON 3
Hey, no one asked you.
PERSON 5 (walks on stage dragging PERSON 2 by the ear)
Look what I found in the parking lot trying to make a speedy getaway.
PERSON 2
This violates my rights! I'm in a union! I'll sue! You can't treat me this way! Let me go!
NARRATOR
It's sad, really. People...
ALL (except PERSON 4, to PERSON 2)
YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE ACTING PROFESSION!!
PERSON 4
This is a profession?
PERSON 2
And why are you directing all this negative energy at me? If anything you should thank me for finding this slacker in the parking lot...5 minutes late!!
PERSON 5
Oh, you're gonna play it like that, are ya?
(looks around at the angry faces of the other actors)
What?
(all begin circling PERSON 5)
PERSON 1
What was it this time?
PERSON 2
Standing in front of a train going 50 miles per hour?
PERSON 3
Bungee jumpung off a step stool?
PERSON 4
Getting your tongue tattooed?
PERSON 1
What have you got to say for yourself, wacko?
PERSON 2
Probably some other dumb excuse.
PERSON 3
Why do we even bother?
PERSON 4
We're wasting valuable time.
NARRATOR
Alright, alright, let's back off now.
PERSON 5
Yeah, I can't help it if I'm eccentric and creative.
ALL
You mean crazy.
NARRATOR
Well I suppose the important thing is that you did make it. Better late than never, you know.
PERSON 5 (groveling)
Oh thank you, thank you benevolent one. Thank you thank you thank you thank you th...
NARRATOR
Get up before I am forced to beat you.
PERSON 5
All apologies, my liege.
NARRATOR
That's it! (kicks PERSON 5's ass)
PERSON 1
Hey! Don't you think we should get started?
PERSON 2 (glaring conspicuously at PERSON 5)
Yeah, we're already late.
NARRATOR
Yes. Let's. Places everyone, and we'll begin.
(everyone starts setting up chairs)
PERSON 3
(sets up a chair, then stands on it)
AAGGHHH!!! IT'S A GIANT COCKROACH!!! AAAGGGGHHH!!!
PERSON 4
What? Where?
PERSON 3
Oh, nothing. I've just always wanted to do that.
ALL
Cry Wolf.
PERSON 3
No, really, there's nothing to worry about. There's no cockroach.
PERSON 5
(standing behind PERSON 3, still standing on the chair, holds up a giant pink cockroach)
Sure, you just keep telling yourself that.
(PERSON 3 gets down)
PERSON 4
Now then if there aren't anymore interruptions...
NARRATOR
Yes, well. Let's begin, shall we?
PERSON 1
Okay, places!
(ALL run to stand in line, scrambling)
PERSON 2
Are we ready?
ALL
Yup!!
NARRATOR
Alrighty then. Action!!
(ALL take a bow, end)