scripts - Itching

Itching - a new script from 3 LOONS and an AMIGO productions

Cast:
HEATHER
TORI
RONNI
PARENT
man with dog

Opening Credits

Scene 1 - the three girls walk out the front door with
food from McDonalds. they sit on the steps and start
to eat. the camera pans over to a man running by with
his dog. the camera bans back to the three girls

TORI (slight pause)
Did you ever want to run up to one of those people and say "you've found Winky!"?

Scene 2 - the three have eaten half of their meal
and are in deep discussion

TORI
Prince Charming from Snow White
(RONNI and HEATHER look at each other)
RONNI, HEATHER
Wuss.
TORI
He was not!
RONNI
Yeah he was. Any guy who needs a bunch of dwarfs to kill a wicked witch is not fit to live on this planet.
HEATHER (between bites)
I thought Dopey was kinda cute.
TORI
Oh, please.
(pause)
HEATHER
Well now if you want a real man try Prince Phillip.
RONNI
Same concept.
HEATHER
No.
RONNI
Yes. Except he needed the help of three fairies. Now I think that Prince Eric is a real man. I mean look he's the only real prince who was able to kill a wicked witch without help.
TORI
Not true. He needed help from a bunch of fish.
RONNI
So?
TORI
And he wasn't very faithful to Ariel. Any "guy" who would agree to marry a girl who appears from out of nowhere when he loves another is a turd.
RONNI
It was a magic spell. Besides, guys are guys, they always look at other girls. Don't they?
(both look at HEATHER)
HEATHER
They certainly do.

Scene 3 - TORI and RONNI are talking

TORI
Men are pigs.
RONNI
What brought this on?
TORI
Look at the evidence. They are immature, annoying, vulgar, lazy, smelly, domineering, and think they are the king of everything.
RONNI
Yeah, we're better.
TORI
Did you ever wonder why some men won't ask for help?
RONNI
No, not really.
TORI
It must be their hormones. (pause) You know, I fell lucky being female. Men can be so disgusting. I hope I have a husband who doesn't sit around on his butt all day long and watch TV.
RONNI
Yeah, thank goodness we aren't that disgusting.
(pause. HEATHER belches loudly)
TORI (using her hand as a fan)
Oh, that one was really bad. I can smell it from here.

Scene 4

HEATHER
I've been thinking about writing a romance novel.
RONNI
What'll you call it? The Young and The Feeble?
HEATHER
Oh, ha ha ha. No, it would be something that has to do with my love life.
TORI
Oh, so we can expect a book called I Wish?
HEATHER
That's not nice! You know, I'm not going to confide in you two if you keep making fun of me.
RONNI
Sorry. So, ah, what is your story going to be about?
HEATHER
Well, I thought I'd start off with something trashy like, "I was sitting in the van talking to my friends, when suddenly I saw him."
RONNI
I remember this little incident.
HEATHER
"Everything started to get movie like. I could hear music playing."
RONNI
Yeah, the radio.
HEATHER
Anyway, "I licked my lips and asked, 'What about my good-bye hug?' then he looked at me with those gorgeous big brown eyes and said, 'What?'"

Scene 5 - Parent comes out the door

PARENT
You girls are so lazy. It's a nice day. Why don't you go for a walk?
TORI
Do we have to?
(PARENT just looks at them. the girls get up and start to walk. they watch what seems to be the same guy with a dog pass by. they look at each other and shurg)

Scene 6 - walking

RONNI
I'm hungry. Let's go find something to eat.
TORI
Where's the closest McDonalds?

Scene 7 - in a McDonalds

HEATHER (arranging fries in a happy face)
Look what I made!
(TORI takes a fry and eats it)
HEATHER
You ate my nose!

Scene 8 - still at McDonalds

RONNI
I'm afraid to walk on bridges because I think they are going to fall from underneath me. I know I'm just paranoid, but eery time I go to Universal Studios I start to tense up when we go across the old bridge. Why can't that damn driver take the long way for once!
TORI
Well I think that the octopus will catch you.
HEATHER
Huh?
RONNI
What are you talking about?
TORI
Soft drink.

Scene 9 - walking. the guy with the dog passes by once
again. the girls don't seem to notice

HEATHER
I had a dream about that guy again.
TORI
Oh yeah?
HEATHER
This time I kissed him.
RONNI, TORI
Eeewww.
HEATHER
It wasn't that bad really.
RONNI, TORI
EEEEWWWWW!
HEATHER
I think I know why I dream like that too.
TORI
Why?
HEATHER
I'm still in love with him.
RONNI, TORI
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Scene 10 - walking

RONNI
Castration is cool!
(further scene dialog to be written by RONNI)

Scene 11 - in a park

HEATHER
Have you ever felt like Alice when she goes down the rabbit hole? I mean how would you feel if you were suddenly in a strange new place because of a stupid bunny that told you he was late. Of course you would say it was her fault for following the bunny.
TORI
Well, it was.
HEATHER
No, he persuaded her to go. Do you realize the power of persuasion?
TORI
No, but she has a mind of her own. If she didn't want trouble, she shouldn't have gone down it.

Scene 12 - the three girls are still at the park. RONNI
and TORI are on either side of HEATHER, they are
counting her moles. in the background you see the guy
with the dog run by

TORI
Okay, I've got six on this side.
RONNI
There are eleven on this arm.
TORI
Okay, let's start on the face.
RONNI
One, two, three...

Scene 13 - on their way back to the house

HEATHER
I'm tired.
TORI
We've only a little more to go.
HEATHER
But I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna collapse.
RONNI
Come on. We'll be back home in a few minutes.
HEATHER
I can feel the blisters growing.
TORI
Do we take a right here, or a left?
RONNI
I don't remember.
TORI
Okay, let's figure this out.
(they stop. the guy with the dog runs by and HEATHER notices, she scratches her head and watches him for a while. during this, RONNI and TORI are trying to find a way home. HEATHER sits down and starts to play he loves me, he loves me not. this continues throughout TORI and RONNI's dialogue)
RONNI
Did we pass the Vons yet?
TORI
I don't think so.
RONNI
What about the church?
TORI
I think we went in the wrong direction. I don't recognize any of this.
RONNI
No, because I remember the McDonalds.
TORI
Do you know how many McDonalds there are?
RONNI
Oh.
TORI
Let's go back to the park.
RONNI
Come on.
(nudges HEATHER)
HEATHER
Can't we call your mom or something?
TORI
No.
HEATHER
Why not?
TORI
Because then she'd think we were irresponsible.
HEATHER
Aren't we?

Scene 14 - dusk, they are hopping a fence to reach the house quicker

RONNI
That fence is rusty.
TORI
No it's not.
RONNI
If I get cut that means I'll get some really wierd disease like tetanus.
TORI
No you won't.
(HEATHER has started climbing, she rests momentarily after she slips a little)
HEATHER
That hurt.
RONNI
Oh great, now she's going to get some kind of venereal disease.
TORI
She will not.
RONNI
Do you always have to be so negative?
(the guy with the dog runs by again)
HEATHER
He is starting to scare me.

Scene 15 - back at home, reading a paper in a bedroom

HEATHER
My horoscope says "today you should just RELAX. Don't do anything that will over exert yourself. Be restful." Gee, maybe we should have paid attention to our horoscopes.
RONNI
Let me see that. (grabs paper from HEATHER's hand)
HEATHER
No!
RONNI
You are such a liar.
HEATHER
So?
TORI
What does it really say?
RONNI
"Today is a good day for you. Go out in the sun for a breath of fresh air. Have fun."
HEATHER
Who believes these things anyway?

Scene 16 - bedroom, HEATHER in front of mirror

HEATHER
Hey!
TORI
Hay is for horses, not for people.
HEATHER
Ha ha ha. I was just about to say that I have a perfect belly button!
RONNI
What?
HEATHER
Really. It's not too big, not too small, not too deep, not an outie. It's perfect. It's even perfectly centered!
TORI
Well at least she found one thing that is perfect.
RONNI (to TORI)
She is very pleased with herself, isn't she?

Scene 17 - HEATHER is looking at her legs

HEATHER
I hate having to shave my legs.
RONNI
Why don't you just wax them?
HEATHER
Too expensive. I was thinking about trying Nair again.
RONNI
Why, does it work?
HEATHER
I don't think so, but you know the saying. If it doesn't work the first time, try, try again.
(pause)
TORI
Did you know pee is acid?
(RONNI and HEATHER stare at her in shock)
TORI
It's true. I did an experiment once on it...
(futher dialogue to be written by TORI)

Scene 18 - laying on the bedroom floor, ready for bed

HEATHER
I read in one of my past issues of People that Brad Pitt is the sexiest man alive.
TORI
I don't think so.
RONNI
Well he's cute, but I doubt that I'd vote for him.
HEATHER
So who would you vote for?
RONNI
Jason Scott Leigh
RONNI, HEATHER
RRRRooooowwwwggghhh....
HEATHER (sits on TORI's bed and looks at her)
Who would you vote for?
TORI
I don't know.
(slight pause)
HEATHER
Are you gay?
TORI
What?!?
HEATHER
Look, it's okay if you are. I have nothing against you being gay.
TORI
I am not gay!
RONNI
Are you sure?
TORI
Yes!
RONNI
Since we settled that problem, who would you vote for?
TORI
Heh heh, Tommy!
(camera pans over to a picture of the white Power Ranger)

Scene 19 - camera zooms out from a candle, the girls
are sitting around a Ouija board

RONNI
Oh great Ouija spirit, let us know you're here.
HEATHER
You know, I'm getting pretty darn tootin' tired now.
RONNI
They will answer.
HEATHER
Hey, we've been calling them for the last half hour and it just doesn't look like they are going to pick up. Personally I wouldn't either if I knew the caller was a live person who wanted to harrass me into telling them about their future.
RONNI
It's people like you who make this difficult.
TORI
Hey look, it's moving!
RONNI
Okay, N-A-R-F-R-A-T.
TORI
Narfrat.
HEATHER
Well that is the stupidest name I ever heard.
TORI
It's not moving anymore! Good job! You just made us lose contact!
HEATHER
I have a better idea. why don't we take what's under this Ouija board and play that. Oh look, it's Monopoly!
TORI
I want the top hat!

Scene 20 - in the middle of the Monopoly game

RONNI
I think life is kinda like a game of Monopoly. You get some money, you invest and then some sleazy bastard takes it all away. (glares at HEATHER)
HEATHER
What! Are you mad at the fact that I own hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place and that you just happen to keep landing on them?
(RONNI is about to say something but TORI cuts in)
TORI
Well, if either of you are interested in hearing, my theory on life is...
RONNI, HEATHER
Don't.
TORI
Well thanks a lot. Some friends you two are.
RONNI
Fine, go ahead. Tell us.
TORI
I don't know if I want to anymore.
HEATHER
Fine, then I'll say mine.
RONNI
Well this oughta be good for a few laughs.
HEATHER
I think that people will cross paths many times, but the friends are the ones who stay together.
TORI
Well I can tell that you have put a lot of thought into that idea.
RONNI
I say it sucks.
HEATHER
Well thanks for your moral support.
TORI
I have a better theory.
RONNI
Which is?
TORI
Here. Now.
(they resume play for a few moments)
HEATHER
I still like mine better.
RONNI
You always do.

Scene 21 - laying in bed, talking

HEATHER (singing to the tune of Frair Jacques)
Itzahk Perlman, Itzahk Perlman, John Williams, John Williams, Ezsa Pekka Solonen, Ezsa Pekka Solonen, YoYo Ma, YoYo Ma
RONNI
All together now.
(they all sing in unison)
TORI
Now in rounds.
(as they start to sing the camera pans to the window where the guy with the dog runs by. as RONNI starts her round the camera fades into the credits)

End Credits - dialogue heard as a voice over

TORI
Hey! Wake up! I just had the strangest idea! You've got to hear this.
HEATHER
That my dear friend is a matter of opinion.
TORI
Come on! Listen! It's so cool!
RONNI
Can't it wait till morning?
TORI
No.
HEATHER
Oh, brother. We mgiht as well listen now or she won't let us go back to sleep.
RONNI
What time is it anyway?
HEATHER
Can't tell. My contacts aren't in.
RONNI
You're that blind?
HEATHER
Yes.
RONNI
I'll look.
HEATHER
Fine.
(sounds of movement as RONNI crosses over HEATHER)
Ow! Watch it!
RONNI
Sorry. (pause) It's 3:30.
TORI
May I continue?
RONNI
Fine.
TORI
I came to the conclusion that what we saw today are omens.
RONNI
You have had way too much influence on her.
HEATHER
Sorry.
TORI
Hey!
RONNI
Hay is for horses, not people.
TORI
Very funny. Anyway, that guy with the dog obviously meant that life stops for no one and it keeps going on.
HEATHER
Where does she come up with this stuff?
RONNI
You.
HEATHER
Not.
TORI
Listen! And since we were together when he passed by, that means we'll be together forever.
RONNI
Oh, yeah, that's my ambition in life, to wake up and grow old with you two.
HEATHER
Loverly. What else did you make out of this?
TORI
Nothing really. Only that we'll stay together.
HEATHER
Talk about hell on earth.
RONNI
Can we go back to sleep now? I'm really tired.
TORI
Only if you can explain about the guy with the dog.
HEATHER
That's easy. He was probably hired by my psycho, stalking ex to watch me.
RONNI
Still?
HEATHER
Yep.
TORI
Some answer.
RONNI
Better than yours.
TORI
Fine! Be like that! I'll see you in the morning.
(pause)
RONNI
I think she's mad now
end

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