BETH (to HEATHER, making whiping motions)
Back, Simba, back!

(HEATHER hisses)

TORI
Baptista has two daughters. A young gentle one named Bianca...

RONNI
(improvises something cute)

TORI
...and a shrewish elder one named Kathrina.

RONNI
Dumb shrew.

(HEATHER hits her)

TORI
Hey, don't hit her.

(HEATHER hisses)

Now Bianca had three suiters, Vincent, Gregory, and Chuck

RONNI
(improvises an overview of suitors, shallow, ditzy)

TORI
But her father refuses to let her marry until a mate has been found for the elder.

RONNI (whining and protesting)
Daddy!

TORI
One day Peter arrived in their little city. The three suitors convinced him to marry Kathrina.

BETH
I can wed the shrew!

TORI
So Kathrina's father agreed, but she wasn't too happy.

HEATHER
Huh! I'll see him hanged before I marry him!

TORI
The wedding day arrives and Peter makes a fool out of himself.

BETH
I'll love you forever!

TORI
The bad treatment continues until Kathrina no longer rebels. The couple comes back to visit Kathrina's father, and everyone is amazed at her change. She learned her lesson. And Bianca gets the suitor she wanted.

RONNI
The rich one!

TORI
The end

BETH
Macbeth, popular music television style.

RONNI
Welcome to Macbeth TV! Today on the top ten, the witches scene from...Macbeth!

BETH
And now, Heather, Tori and Veronica in the famous witches scene from William Shakespeare's Macbeth, interpreted by me, Beth, for those viewers who like Heather, Tori and Veronica, have no idea what they're saying

HEATHER, TORI, RONNI
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

BETH
Loosely translated, that means Abra Cadabra.

HEATHER
Fillet of a fenney snake, in the cauldron boil and bake.

BETH
Let's cook a snake. Start with my agent.

HEATHER
Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog.

BETH
Sounds like camp food to me.

HEATHER
For a charm of powerful trouble, like a hellbroth boil and bubble.

BETH (yawns)
Stir until bored, serves 12, unless you're Rush Limbaugh, then it's an appetizer.

HEATHER, TORI, RONNI
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

BETH
Bibbidy-bobbity boo. Here's another fun recipe.

TORI
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, witches mummy maw engulf.

BETH
Those are the ingredients of a hot dog.

TORI
Of the raven's salt sea shark, root of hemlock...

BETH
Go Hemlock!

TORI
...digged in the dark.

BETH (sings)
Digged in the dark is a guess, baby can you dig it?

HEATHER, TORI, RONNI
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

BETH
Hocus pocus, when do we eat?

(explosion)

BETH
Hey, what'd we come up with?

RONNI
Hash?

HEATHER
Corndog?

TORI
Fondue?

ALL
Woah!!

HEATHER
By the pricking of my thumbs, something scary this way comes.

RONNI
Froin Layvin!

BETH
Let's go out for pizza.

ALL
(MTV News noise)

RONNI
N...

BETH
E...

HEATHER
W...

TORI
S...

RONNI
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with Macbeth TV News. Today in Castle Macbeth, Lady Macbeth went insane. Again. More news on the hour.

ALL (news noise)
You hear it first.

HEATHER
Out, out damned spot! Will these little hands never be clean?

BETH
Do you ever have trouble keeping your hands clean? Try new Ivory. 99.9% oil free.

ALL
(MTV News noise)

RONNI
N...

BETH
E...

HEATHER
W...

TORI
S...

RONNI
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with Macbeth TV News. Everyone's dead. More news on the hour.

ALL (news noise)
You hear it first.

HEATHER
Romeo and Juliet, simplified. Romeo and Juliet's families hate each other. Paris wants to marry Juliet.

BETH
No way.

HEATHER
Romeo and Juliet meet at a party.

RONNI
Yeah they were dancin'...

TORI, BETH
Hi.

HEATHER
They fall in love. Romeo climbs a wall and sees Juliet talking to herself.

TORI
I think I'm in love. She's so trippy.

BETH
Ro-meo, Ro-meo, where for art thou Ro-meo?

TORI
Uh, I'm down here in the bushes.

HEATHER
So they agreed to get married, and they get married by Friar Lawrence.

RONNI
Do you?

TORI
Yes.

RONNI
Do you?

BETH
Yes.

Anyways, a lot of stuff happens and they die.

RONNI
Now for a quick change of pace, Hamlet, as an interperative dance.

ALL
(dancing around and singing the tune of What Child Is This)

TORI (posing as if hanging)
Death!

BETH (posing as if slitting wrists)
Death!

HEATHER (posing as if drinking poison)
Death!

RONNI (posing as if being strangled)
Death!

ALL
Something IS rotten in the state of Denmark!

END