To
those whom will read this –
Remember
these are my rants and raves,
In
other words don’t be offended, it’s totally whatever mood I’m in that moment!!
"I don't care
what you say, unless it doesn't contradict what I already believe. My
opinions are everything to me.
If you agree with
my views, then congratulate yourself: you're an
A-student; you're totally clued in.
If you don't agree initially, but if I think I can bring you around
with my clever arguments, then there's hope for you yet.
With my help you'll find your way out of that maze.
If you don't agree with me at all and are never likely to, well,
you can just go to hell. It's not worth even
bothering with you.
So what's it going
to be?"
"What's up with the tip
jar at the coffeeshop? Do these pimply-faced cretins
deserve a tip? First of all, all they have to do is
press a button while holding a styrofoam cup under
the spigot--and even then they can't get it right. I ask for Large Double Double every time, and I wind up with decaf! In order to
get any kind of kick, have to stir in so much sugar that it turns to syrup. How
else am I supposed to counteract the Seriquil? Give me
a break!!"
"I thought I was alone
in not knowing what all the keys on my keyboard were for. But
then I found out that nobody in my neck of the woods knew what the ^ key
was meant to tell us. The same is true of the ~ key. I mean, when have you ever
used the ~ key? What is it for? The rest of the keys I
can deal with, even the ^ key. But the ~ key?! Is
there any way to remove it? I'd find it so much easier to cope."
"Why don't you
go chase that rainbow and leave me well alone? I'll be
pouring gasoline on the embers in my gut to see if I can in fact breathe fire. And
when you sit eyes half closed, post-coital from another consumer binge, I will
scream past you on my fucking space-ship with combustible gasses roaring wild
and hat thrown high in the air."
"Yes, here's my worry,
and it's a big one. Some people believe in the Rapture and some don't. (Personally, I do!) And,
among those who believe, there is still a lot of division about when and where
and how it will all shake down. Some of us will ascend into Heaven, some will
attain Nirvana, others will slip into Limbo, or get
Enlightenment. Think of the problems this will cause! Like, what if all the
doctors end up in Nirvana, and they can't treat any of
the sick people in Heaven? Or what if you run out of
gas and all the gas pumps are still down on Earth because they didn't believe?
People thought Y2K was going to do some damage, but man-oh-man, this is about
to suck and I mean big time! We've got to synchronize before it's too late!"
"I really need to know
what SCHWA means. I know it has something to do with little alien heads, and
that scares me, but I think it also corresponds with the DJ on the lite rock station who I swear sometimes is talking just to
me. It's in the way that he reads those little statistics from 'USA Today' and
in the way he pronounces the words 'furlong' and 'lung disease foundation' that
make me believe he has a message that only I can understand. Sometimes it gives
me a warm feeling, like I belong, but other times it creeps
me out or even makes me unconditionally angry."
"I have an
all-seeing eye. I am the hoodoo witch you and your family fear. For
more keys to my web-den and all the secrets that wait for you there, I will
take a small gratuity.Amen! The world will end,
but in a manner I specify. I will consider total
gratuities when consulting upon this critical matter. See me for the keys
and about how you make your donation."
"Recycling isn't just about emptying
your deceptively named 'Recycle Bin' on your Windows 95 desktop. It's about the dream of a sustainable planet. It's about using both sides of a sheet of paper when you
write letters. It's about writing those letters real
small (that's what magnifying glasses are for - duh!). It's
about putting paper you can't possibly use anymore into the recycle bin. It's about recycling a whole host of other things: paper, glass
things, plastic things, rubber things, old clothing (but be sure to use it to
make handkerchiefs, tampons and dish towels first!), water (why flush the
toilet each time when once every few days will do just as well?), and kitchen
scraps (put that pet dog of yours to good use or put it in a blender to make
baby food!). The ball's in your court, buddy!" Yepp Yepp UhhhHuhhh! Sure!! LMFAO!!!
Over & Out… For Now…
