March 2005
Those of you that have visited my home know that I have a lot of STUFF. Tons and tons of magazines, paper, books, CDs, research, clothes, and equipment...STUFF. Now that I'm home more, I have days where I feel paralyzed by all my STUFF. These collections of things are I've gathered over the years that reflect who I am...or so I've told myself. Although some of them are organized and some of them are place in stacks and stacks, I've believed that all are necessary or hung on to them until they were properly disposed of (by way of recycling, donation, or the ever daunting e-bay "sales" I keep saying I'm going get around to).
Recently I've stood in the most cluttered room and asked myself...do I really need all of this and what does each thing truly represent in my life. There's a large chunk of it I'll never get around to using the way I intended to...hell, I have some things I've collected two or three times because when the need did arise I couldn't find �it� so I've looked it up, borrowed it or bought it again. There are mountains of paperwork that I refuse to just throw out because I'm going to file it, shred it, save for a rainy day...who knows. There are clothes I refuse to just throw out because some day I'm going to finally fit into it, find the perfect top/bottom for it, or save for the next trip to the donation center...yeah, yeah, yeah. There are books that I've started and sworn I�ll finish some day, ones that I've read one time too many, ones with spines that have never been disturbed, lists of books that I intend to own...more, more and more. There are DVDs of my favorite movies that I�ve never opened, CDs that I no longer care to listen to, and videotapes that I�ll never watch again. To sum it up I don't even remember I have half of the stuff I have yet I hold on to it as if it's going to save my life one day.
What's becoming apparent is that those piles and stacks and collections represent some of the things I'm hiding from or behind. The STUFF I'm afraid of letting go of in order to truly realize me. A frightening thought isn't it. Most of the things I hold on to consist of words, thoughts, hopes, and desires that I've harbored in order to protect myself from being too vulnerable to anyone including those closest to me. It's been my way of maintaining a sense of control over any situation in my life. When it all gets to be too much I always have my collections and stuff to retreat to...especially when I choose to add bricks in the wall I put up around my heart. Well I'll tell you spring-cleaning will be something of an extreme sport for me this year! I don�t expect to when a gold medal in the art of letting go by the end of the year but with training and consistency I�ll get better at it.
One of the major staples of my training has become the delivery of this newsletter. Every month I'm digging deeper and going beyond the scratches on the surface to really find self-discovery. With each issue I've challenged myself to share more than I have ever been willing to especially on such a grand scale (there are 200 people on my list). I've found that recording my feelings and �putting them out there� is one of the most vulnerable things I've ever allowed myself to do (sometimes through self-inflicted force).
Unlike the verbal rendering of thoughts, putting things down on paper doesn't allow me to share or protect myself depending on whom I'm talking to. It's delivered to everyone as is, slightly edited for understanding, but nevertheless raw and honest. In addition it's written in solitude without the ability to reflect or change depending on the response being received in the moment. I write it, post it and ask myself to let go of any judgment...many times I go back, read it and find myself asking why I let that part of me go. Then someone writes to say thanks or I've hit a nerve and helped them to confront an issue.
So I guess the art of letting go is accepting the call to be a peforming artist and creative thinker, one who shares her vulnerabilty (a little cautiously inviting people in at first)while making every attempt to prevent self-defeating judgments that threaten to hinder the process. Well here I am, come on in.
Things are moving well as we gear up for the events season -- rehearsing 1 or 2 times each week. It's been exciting to rediscover tunes I'm singing lead on and to really learn those background arrangements on other tunes. I've got a ton of words swimming around in my head, including groupings of my own (see The Originals Project).
THE ORIGINALS PROJECT
This section shall be named "DeLaFeel" from this point forward...that's the new name for our band. We are quickly becoming a family as we have a few R&B covers under our belts and have started writing 6 new songs. It appears I'll be sending out invites to our first gig, and others, by the beginning of the summer. You'll also be able to get more information on the members and maybe even hear some sounds through our website soon.
I Am Not Hiding - Kenny Loggins (Album: Unimaginable Life, 1997)
I Like The Way You Move - OutKast (Album: Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, 2003)
Something About You - Level 42 (Album: World Machine, 1985)
This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - Natalie Cole (Album: Inseparable, 1975)
Visions Of A Sunset - Shawn Stockman (Album: "Mr. Holland's Opus" Soundtrack, 1996)
Walking On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves (Album: Katrina & The Waves, 1985)
www.talentdevelop.com
www.womenfolk.com/creativity/index.htm
www.mosaicminds.net
