A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my 
mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. 
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other 
and said, "See, that's how it's done."
 
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, 
"Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like 
I'm an idiot." I was upset because when I turned two, my age doubled.  
I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

I went down the street to the 24-hour convenience store. When I got there, 
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're 
open 24 hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."
 
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he's 
not a midget… He's a midget-dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I like my apartment because they allow pets. I have a pony. His name is 
Nicky. When I want a sandwich, I just ride him into the kitchen… his hooves 
slipping on the kitchen tile.  Last summer, he was involved in a bizarre 
electrolysis accident. All of his hair was removed except for the tail. 
Now I rent him out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 
"Happy Birthday". 

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

The other day, I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing 
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying nowhere." I said, "What's 
your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, 
summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this 
stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making 
breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

One time, I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. 
He caught every other fish.

I have a microwave fireplace… I can lie down in front of the fire for the 
evening in eight minutes.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 

I took a baby shower.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to 
the wall...  and pressed 'redial'. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through 
into another dimension.
 
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. When I call him, I say, 
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. He's much smarter than 
that now.  Now he just ignores me and keeps on typing. He's an East German 
Shepherd… very, very disciplined. 

Last year, my friend and I drove across the country. We switched the driving... 
every half-mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to the entire trip... 
I don't remember what it was.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. 

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever 
got there. 

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they 
found was a pile of dust.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

What do batteries run on?

My grandfather was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope… "Oh, no. We're surrounded."

I bought my brother some gift-wrapping paper as a gift. I took it to the 
gift-wrapping section and I said, "See this?  Wrap this.  And don't use 
the same print, because when he opens it, he won't know when to stop." 

Hermits have no peer pressure. 

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, 
to make a long story short…

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, 
you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought 
one, except this one has a snow plow that does it in rows. 

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time." So I ordered French 
Toast during the Renaissance.

I bought some powdered water… I don't know what to add.

My roommate got a pet elephant… then it got lost. It's in the apartment 
somewhere.

I went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, 
why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway. You couldn't 
see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling go by.

I'll tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. Her name is Rachel.  She has emerald 
eyes and… long, flowing plaid hair.  I met her at Macy's in New York. She was 
buying clothes, and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. The last week of 
August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods 
and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain… 
and the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. 

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I went to the cinema, and the sign said 'Adults $5.00, children $2.50'. So I 
said, "Give me two boys and a girl." 

When we were little, my grandfather used to make us stand in a closet facing 
forward without moving or talking for five minutes... He said it was elevator 
practice.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to 
New York.

My girlfriend does her nails in White-out. When she's asleep, I write 
misspelled words on them.

When I was five years old I was on a carousel and there was a gunshot nearby… 
The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden 
horse.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the 
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the 
table would move across the floor to it.

I have an answering machine on my car phone. It says, "Hi. I'm home right now. 
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet? 

The other night I came home late and instead of my house key, I stuck my car 
key in the door and turned it. The whole building started up.  So, I drove 
it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He said, 
"Where do you live?"  I said, "Right here". Later, I parked it on the freeway, 
got out, and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's father. He 
said, "I want my daughter home by eight fifteen."  I said, "Middle of August?  
That's cool."

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know it goes. Every once in 
a while I'll be listening to the radio and I'll say, "I think I might have 
written that."

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like 
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately… extremely abstract. No 
brush, no paint, no canvas.  I just think about it.

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning, but I knew 
I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30, and 
he couldn't wake me up, so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on 
the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, 
I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving 
horizontally… I'm sure this has happened to you.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough 
to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. 

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like 
an idiot.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire 
area was gone.

I was in Salino, Utah when I was arrested for not going through a green light. 
I pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was, and he told 
me, and I said, "No further questions."

All of the people in my building are totally crazy, they're completely insane. 
The guy who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The 
lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun... 
She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'll mark down 
everything in the store." 

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out the salespeople. They say "Can 
I help you?" and I say, "Yes, do you have anything I'd like?" They say, 
"How do I know what you would like?" and I say "I don't know.  You started 
this."  I wear 'extra medium'… it's like medium, but just a little bit extra.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world… types in pencil.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was 
torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. 

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often 
I would flick it on and off for no reason. Yesterday, I got a call from a 
woman in Germany saying, "Cut it out."

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... that 
pisses me off.  I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing 
here? You haven't worked a day in your life... Lying there on your little 
dish towel... trying to get a little tan... to impress your little 
friends..." (kicking dust on baby)

I bought a cordless extension cord.

When I fly, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way 
round-trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the 
previous Friday. That way you still have the weekend.

My friend has a baby and I'm recording all the noises he makes so later 
I can ask him what he meant.

I was watching the Super Bowl with my 92-year-old grandfather. A team 
scored a touchdown and, when they showed the instant replay, he thought 
they got another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game 
he was watching was better.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder 
how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a piece of land for real cheap... It was on someone else's property.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood 
kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get the hell out of my yard.

When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... 
eventually.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night. 

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, 
"So,… how far did you think you were going?… Put on your seat belt. 
I want to try something… I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can 
do it."

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. 

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I lost the remote control to the remote control.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first… I stole third… 
I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest 
distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that 
knowledge.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his 
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating 
up a child.

I called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll 
be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but 
when I got home my place had been robbed. 

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put 
the kid in and walk around like this… (looking around frantically) When he 
gets older, I'll tell him "You used to have a twin brother, but he didn't 
do what I told him either.  Now get up on the roof and fix that antenna."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

How young can you die of old age?

A metaphor is like a simile.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I bought one of those things that you put on your car, so when you're driving 
through the forest, it keeps deer away.  I installed it backwards by mistake.  
Now I'm driving down the road with this herd of deer chasing me. 

I called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be 
the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." 
Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... 

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen.

I'm doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a 
real brick wall,… just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and 
I tell them, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real." 

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back 
you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

The other day, I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but just for a second.

I make wine out of raisins so I don't have to wait.

I'm a peripheral visionary.  I can see into the future,... but just way off 
to the side.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are what make carbon paper.

I got pulled over going 70 miles an hour. The cop said, "Do you know the 
speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going 
to be out that long."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I remember when the sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. 
Everything had two shadows.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. 

A few weeks ago, I went on a skiing trip to England. It was a rare package: 
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, 
"Yeah, I'll take it." I got on the ski lift with this guy I didn't know. We 
went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and 
said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, 
"Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to 
know why?" I said, "Not really… Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I 
pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."