I used to be a valet parker at an airport... I parked jets. They had to 
let me go, though, because I kept locking the keys in them… up on an 
80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I like to walk my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people 
are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... There was no 
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... 
(slow glance upward) 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the 
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 
So I had to buy them again.

I went into this bar and sat down next to this beautiful girl and I said, 
"So, do you live around here often?". She said, "You're wearing two 
different colored socks" I said, "I know, but to me they're the same 
because I go by thickness."  Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I 
said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back 
so you're just on two legs and then you lean too far and you almost fall 
over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the 
time."

I was in the grocery store and I saw a sign that said "pet supplies"…  So 
I did. Then I went outside and I saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

The other day, I saw a man with a wooden legs, and real feet.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile 
for a satellite picture. 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I was a little kid we had a quicksandbox. I was an only child... 
eventually.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done 
by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. 
My argument was that concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I 
haven't had a barbecue in a long time.

I can levitate birds, but nobody cares. 

I was arrested recently for selling illegal-sized paper.

Last year, I almost broke both arms trying to fold up my couch before I 
realized it wasn't that kind of couch. 

Today I... No, that wasn't me. 

I recently started playing the harmonica.  I get my car going really fast, 
and stick it out the window… I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 
"ten-four."

I have an ant farm. I don't where I'm going to find tractors that small.

I mix my own water. Two cups of H, one cup of O. I don't trust anybody.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I took a lie detector test... no I didn't.

One day I got on the bus, and sat down next to this beautiful, blonde 
Chinese girl... I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice 
day, isn't it?" She said, "Yeah, I guess."  I said, "What do you mean 'you 
guess'?"  She said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." 
I said, "What's the problem?" She said, "I can't tell you. I don't even 
know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a total 
stranger on a bus." She said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and 
I'm only turned on by Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I 
said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out… Now my 
car goes 500 miles per hour… The harmonica sounds amazing.

One time a jet flew too close to my house. I was walking from the living 
room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, 
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a map of the United States... it's actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile 
= 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I 
say, "E5". 

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to 
fill in the rest.

The other night, I went for a walk.  My girlfriend asked me how long I was 
going to be gone, and I said, "The whole time."

The other day, I was walking through the forest and a tree fell right in 
front of me, and I didn't hear it.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's 
going to be up all night.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, 
"See this thing? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends 
more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes off like that. See this? This 
steers it." 

I was in Vegas recently, and I got into a heated argument with the man at the 
roulette table over what I considered an odd number.

One time the power went out in my house and the only light I had was the flash 
on my camera.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean… that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean 
would be if that didn't happen.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote 
that song wrote everything.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses 
ran out.

Driving cross-country, I saw a sign that said 'Next Rest Area - 75 Miles'. 
That's pretty big. People must really get tired around here.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I catch them whenever I can… Fred and Barney.

I was in a museum the other day and I walked into the women's restroom by mistake… 
I thought it was an exhibit.  Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I installed a skylight... The people who live above me are furious.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it 
set up, and people were complaining because they couldn't see the lake.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Reward -- Lost $50 
-- If found, just keep it."

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables… I was clearing them for 
take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I 
said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told
 them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's 
the part you don't want to get dirty.

The other day when I was walking through the woods and I saw a rabbit standing in front 
of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.  I said, "Don't be so sarcastic."

I have the world's largest seashell collection. I keep it scattered on beaches all over 
the world... maybe you've seen it.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I went to the record store recently and bought a blank tape... brought it home and put 
it on the stereo... turned it up full blast... I'm walking around the house and stuff... 
and there was a knock at the door.  It was a neighbor complaining... he's a mime... 
so I used the silencer.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed him. The whole time I had the 
money on me and he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, 
we got held up. The guy said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute. George, 
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." Then the thief took a thousand dollars out of his 
own money and he gave it to George and, at gunpoint, made me borrow a thousand dollars 
from George.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would 
happen if you strap a piece of toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not 
going that far."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. 

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what's playing so I bought the album. 

My school colors were 'clear'... "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. My mother said, "Steven, it's time to 
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to 
the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of 
curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go 
to sleep."

It takes money to make money… because you have to copy the design exactly.

I was born by Cesarean section... You can't really tell except that when I leave the 
house, I go out through the window.

Whenever I fill out a job application, for the part that says, "In Case Of Emergency 
Notify", I put "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?  'Okay, I'm here. Open him up.'

Recently, I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that 
are in all the other museums.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at 
each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre 
coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One 
of them looked at the other and said, "So,… what did you think?"

What's another word for Thesaurus?

The other day I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, 
could I speak to Joey?" They said, "I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, 
"I'll wait."

Yesterday, I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone and they 
went "Aaaaahhhh..."

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there… 
Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

The other night, I put my air conditioner in so that it pointed outside. It got cold out. 
The weatherman was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today.  I don't understand."

I broke up with this girl recently. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into 
meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to 
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

I went to the beach to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious 
because I brought a towel.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only 
one moving.

My doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend said, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made 
a few mistakes."

I used to work in a factory that made fire hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near 
the place.

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, 
they hear a recording of a busy signal. 

I once worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were 10 feet high and 
a quarter-inch thick… We made paneling.

I got food poisoning today… I don't know when I'm going to use it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and 
let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Sometimes I... No, I don't. 

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight 
years old.

When I was a kid, I went to the toy store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train 
schedules?"  He said, "You're a strange boy, aren't you?"
 
I'm kind of tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and 
went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
 
I hooked up the accelerator pedal in my car to the brake lights.  When I hit the gas, 
people behind me slam on their brakes, and I'm gone.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her 
When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring".  It doesn't go something 
like this, it goes exactly like this.

I heard that in the relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein 
discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write that right on the bill, 
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

I just got out of the hospital recently. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a 
book mark… flew across the room.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

My house is on the median strip of the highway. It's a nice, grassy area, I like it… 
except when I leave, I have to be going 60 MPH.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, you have to "put your two cents in?" 
Somebody's making a penny.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up 
just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone 
wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone. I didn't have much 
money so I had to buy an irregular phone… it has no five on it.  I saw a close friend of 
mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call 
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" 
I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the old one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

My friend Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.  If you wanted to 
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to 
pull off a sweater real quick.

I was at a gas station and a sign said 'Help Wanted - Self Service.'  So I went in and 
hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise… took all the money in 
the cash register and I left.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. 

I was watching the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't 
have to go so fast.

The other day, everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replicas.  
I couldn't believe it.  I said to my roommate, "Can you believe this?  Everything stolen 
and replaced with exact replicas.  What do you think?"  He said, "Do I know you?"

The other night, I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was walking through the perfume section of a department store… saw a small bottle of 
cologne and asked the lady behind the counter "Is this free?" She said, "It's free with 
any purchase." I said "Did anybody buy anything today?"

I like to leave messages before the beep.

The other day, I got into an elevator and this guy followed in after me... I pushed my 
floor and I said, "Where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few 
seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. 
I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I really like to hang around 
with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. After we got there, 
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other 
side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, 
the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, 
and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. 
We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll be honest 
with you. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and he built a nuclear weapon 
with it... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams 
were showing up on TV's all over the world.

Last Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was
a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read or write in two different languages. 

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I got contact lenses recently, but I only need them when I read, so I got flip-ups.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? 

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue near my house, you have to pay the regular dinner price if 
you eat less than you can. 

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put it in my fish tank. I can't hear it, 
but every time I get a call, the fish go back and forth like this.  I went down to the 
pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday." 

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order 
and I couldn't pay for it.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... 
And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I want to get a tattoo over my entire body of myself, but taller.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by The Pill came back... They were mad.  
Angry babies all over the place.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swimsuit that I made out of sponges. I remember 
that last time I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming 
until I came back.
 
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks,… so I called Information. She said, 
"Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the 
couch."…  And they were.

I like my dental hygienist.  I think she's very pretty.  So every time I visit, while 
I'm in the lobby, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel 
the rest of the appointments.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. Nobody's having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. 

I had an uncle who was a clown in the Ringling Bros./Barnum & Bailey Circus. When he died, 
all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on 
the escalators.

My friend Winnie spends all of his time practicing limbo. He's pretty good. He can go 
under a rug.

I borrowed some records from a friend of mine so I could record them onto cassette.  
I must have got the wiring backwards, though, because I erased all of his records.  
I went back to him with these black disks.

My friend and I decided to drive to Canada to celebrate.  I had just received my degree 
in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.  When we tried to cross they border, 
and the guy asked me, "Do you have any firearms?"  I said, "Yeah, what do you need?"

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking 
down the street, and... Oh, that's much better.

I was in a job interview and I picked up a book, opened it, and started reading. The guy 
said, "What the hell are you doing?"  Then I said, "Let me ask you a question. If you 
are in a car traveling the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything 
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Forget it then.  I don't want to work for you."

Tinsel is really snake mirrors.

I was sitting in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she said, "If you could tell 
exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No, why do 
you ask?" She said, "Never mind… good night."

I lost a button hole.

I have this friend named George.  Some people think George is weird, because he has 
sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with 
braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you 
can't hear him talk.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet… just so I'd be the only one 
who knew.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep… 
During the night, the record skipped. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.