KARENSPAGE

      This is where I begin. I was thirty five years old when I started these pages. I have two children. I was diagnosed in 1991 and it has been a long and hard journey, to say the least. I have been hospitalized five times. I have always known when it was time to go to the hospital. That is not easy , to admit that there is something wrong. That your world and you, are not in touch with the rest of the world. I have learned that I must take medication for my disorder. I take what is known as a "cocktail" (ie a mixture of many medications that work together). I take my medication every day at the time it is prescribed. To get the maximum benifit from it
             I used to think that some things in my life were in the midst of changing. But that isn't so. Things are always changing. I have to be able to tell if I am getting depressed or manic. Watching for these symptoms is a regular part of my life. These can range from depression..when I can't get up from the bed without assistance. To feeling like I own the world, and know all of its little mysteries. And take it all on in one fell swoop. This is what it is like to be bipolar. And this is only a small part. It is not who I am, it is something that I have.   I am much more than just a "bipolar person" ! I am human, like any other person.......There are a lot of people who think that a person with mental illness is in a large way different than a so called "normal person". I can say that when I was diagnosed, not only did it take me time to believe that I was mentally ill. It took my family and friends time to believe too! Some of them thought that the diagnosis was wrong, or that I was on too much medication. So, they would tell me that this could not be apart of me. That didn't help matters any. I now know that I do have bipolar affective disorder, and it is part of my life.

Happiness can be compared to the sun. Shining down upon your head, warming your entire body one moment, only to flee from you~~~Leaving you craving for more!!

Karen Ann Wagner 1999 (c) copyright all rights reserved.

And you never realize how much of a giant chunk of your life this will take up untill you start seeing Psyciatrist and Therapists. So much time spent with doctors. And so much time spent taking medications. It takes a while to integrate all this into your life. But you know that somehow life has spun out of control and you are desperate for it to be normal again.....if it ever was normal. You dont know anymore. When I had my first "breakdown" I was psycotic and it was terrible. I do not remember alot of it. That was in April 1993. I remember the ride on the bus, because there was a blizzard that year. There had to be a foot of snow on the ground. I knew that I had to go to the hospital though. I needed help. Help to get back to me. Because I didn't know who the hell I was any more.
I got to Albert Einstien Hospital and went strait to my psyciatrist and therapist. They admitted me. I was there for almost a month. I took every psych test that I think they ever had devised. I had rembered peices of things that had happend to me. The Doctors told me that I had a major manic episode with psycosis.

There is alot of therapy involved in getting your life back. I have been through years of therapy. It helpes me cope and check on my self through an impartial party to make sure that what I think is normal is still normal. That is what I really use my therapist for. A sounding board, to make sure I am on track. I do very well and I have my two children, whom I love very dearly. Many days I think that they are the glue that holds me together. I have a pretty regular life. With the exception of taking medication all the time. But I can concentrate and controll my moods. I don't feel out of control any more.

Link to my second page~~ Click on the Spinning Rose!
A continuation of my story and poems to come~~~

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