Mount Joy, New York

**********

"Susannah, please," Viki pleaded. "Go to Todd. It's been so long since we've heard anything. They said they're working on him. Why? What is happening to him?"

Sam approached Viki. "I'll get in. They have no right to keep us away from our child!"

Susannah knew the last thing the team working on Todd needed was disruption. "I know how difficult it is to wait and I know how terrified you all are," Susannah looked in T�a's direction as well while she spoke. "Still, you have to realize that you will not be helping Todd if you get in the way. Doctor Lipner and the rest of the ICU staff seem excellent and caring. They are putting Todd first. I know they will come out and speak with all of us as soon as they get a chance."

"That's just it," T�a exclaimed. "If they haven't had a chance it's because there is some complication with Todd and he is in there with strangers!"

"T�a's right," Viki said in a voice choked by sobs. "We know if things were all right we would be allowed in or they would at least have the time to come out and speak with us and Todd is in there without anyone who loves him."

"Doctor Hanen," T�a tried again. "We know that Todd is heavily sedated, but we still feel that he would know if one of us were with him and Sam and Viki have not had a chance to see him at all."

"I'm not going to let my kid lie in there scared to death and not do something about it," Sam said loudly. "We won't get in their way. Either you go in or they have to allow one of us in there with him."

Susannah too believed that on some level Todd would know if someone were with him. Even patients in comas were sometimes comforted by a familiar voice. However, she also knew it was critically important to allow the staff to do what they needed to do as quickly as possible. She realized that Viki, T�a and Sam could not take much more. "I'll go and see what's going on. If I can, I will let Todd know again that you are all here for him."

Viki took Susannah's hand. Her voice trembled. "Thank you."

Susannah rubbed Viki's arm and tried to smile a reassuring smile.

*********

Susannah saw Doctor Lipner and some of the other ICU staff around the unit's X-ray view box again when she walked back into the ICU. Lipner saw her and waved her over.

"I was just about to go talk to you and his family. I wanted to get these films back first to see what we're dealing with." Lipner pointed to one of the X-ray's on the lit board. "It looks like Todd's developing ARDS. That's common with sepsis. You can see by the diffuse pattern that's peripherally predominant." He pointed. "And you can see here the lung bases are clear. It's consistent with ARDS. We have to watch him carefully. Our goals are going to be to reduce the edema, make sure we maintain adequate tissue oxygenation, and prevent oxygen toxicity. Someone from pulmonary is coming back down to have a look at him."

Susannah's heart rate sped up. She was having a difficult time keeping her emotions in check and staying professional. She tried to concentrate on what the ICU staff was saying and doing.

Doctor Lipner turned to one of the nurses. "We need to keep his SaO2 above 90%. Keep his FIO2 as low as possible. At least try to keep it less than 60%. Let's see how he does."�

The ICU resident asked, "What if we can't get his FIO2 down?"

"Then we need to add some positive end expiratory pressure. He's at a critical point." Lipner picked up Todd's spread sheet and looked at his labs. He addressed Susannah. "His white count's up again, and he's still running a high fever. We have to . . ."

Before he had a chance to finish what he was saying, a nurse called him to Todd's bedside. "Doctor, his pressure dropped again and he's tachycardic."�

The vent alarm went off again. The resident adjusted it, silencing the alarm.

Susannah held onto the desk with one hand. No one could see how her nails were cutting into the palm of her other hand as it closed in a tight anxious fist.

Doctor Lipner addressed another of the nurses. "Where are the blood gases from this morning? And are the cultures back?"�

The nurse went to the ICU desk and pulled the labs up on the computer. "No, they're not back yet."

Lipner shook his head in frustration. "How's his urine output?" he asked the nurse he had just spoken with.

She looked at Todd's spreadsheet. With a concerned look on her face, she replied, "It's down."

"Damn," Lipner spat out. "I need those culture results. This kid's going into septic shock. We need to know what the hell we're dealing with here."

"I'll call the lab and see about the blood gas," the nurse offered. It was all she could do for now.

Doctor Lipner nodded. "I'm going to talk to his family," he said quietly. Like most medical people, he hated having to give families bad news. "How are his folks holding up?" Lipner asked Susannah.

"They're terrified and barely able to hold it together," Susannah responded frankly. "They almost lost Todd once before because of pneumonia and that time it wasn't complicated by sepsis and ARDS."

Doctor Lipner looked into Susannah's eyes. He saw she was barely able to hold it together herself, and quite terrified. "He's not just another patient to you, is he?"

Susannah shook her head. She felt her chin tremble as she tried to keep her emotions in check. "No, he's special," she managed to get out.

"We're doing all we can to save him. He seems to be a fighter."

Susannah's eyes filled with tears. They slowly trickled down her cheeks. "He is. You have no idea. He's survived things that most of us would say were not possible to survive. He is without a doubt the bravest and strongest person I have ever known."

"I know I can't minimize this with you. He's going to need every bit of that strength. This young man is in for the fight of his life."

Susannah brushed away her tears. She needed to be strong. "Let's go talk to Todd's family. They need to know what's happening to him and then they really need to be able to spend some time with him."

********

"Viki, T�a, can I get you anything?" Bill offered.

Both women declined Bill's offer and thanked him for asking.

Bill looked in Sam's direction. He and Bo exchanged looks. Sam seemed to be lost in his own world. He continued to stare out the window, even thought he really wasn't seeing anything.

"Sam," Bill said softly.

There was no response.

Bill gently tapped Sam on the arm. "Sam."

Sam jumped. For a moment he looked at Bill as if he were a stranger. Recognition quickly replaced the confused look in Sam's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Bill apologized. "I didn't mean to startle you. Would you like some coffee or something to eat?"

What Sam wanted at that moment was a drink . . . several drinks . . . strong ones. "No, nothing," Sam replied without making eye contact with Bill. Sam went back to staring out the window.

The minute Susannah and Doctor Lipner walked into the waiting area. Viki, T�a and Sam rushed toward them. They looked into Susannah's eyes. They saw the news wasn't good.

Bill and Bo stayed back and didn't intrude.

Sam stared into Doctor Lipner's eyes for a moment. "Todd died, didn't he?"

"No," Susannah and Doctor Lipner answered immediately. "Let's sit down," Lipner suggested.

"Please, just tell us!" T�a pleaded.

"Yes. We can see that it's not good," Viki stated. Her eyes brimmed with tears and her voice cracked.

"Todd has developed ARDS," Lipner told them. "It's common for that to happen with sepsis."

"ARDS?" T�a asked.

"Is that another kind of infection?" Viki asked at the same time.

Sam stared ahead silently.

Doctor Lipner shook his head. "No. ARDS, or Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, is not an infection. It is a condition characterized by acute hypoxemic or low blood oxygen. Right now Todd is in respiratory failure due to pulmonary edema caused by an increased permeability of the alveolar capillary barrier. In short, fluid enters the lungs because the membranes that are part of the respiratory system in the lungs become more permeable. This permeability allows for the passage of proteins that act as attractants to fluids."

"What you're saying is that Todd is drowning in his own body?" Viki asked in horror.

"In a way, yes," Lipner honestly admitted.

Sam pounded the fist of his right hand into the palm of his left hand.

"You said this was caused by the sepsis?" T�a asked. She felt as if she were trapped in the recurring nightmares she'd been having.

"Any elevation in capillary pressure caused by an increase in fluids and cardiac dysfunction that is characteristic of sepsis greatly increases the edema . . . fluid," Lipner explained.

"All of this . . . the pneumonia . . . the sepsis . . . this ARDS . . . it's all because he didn't take his medicine and had a seizure, isn't it?" Sam stated more than asked.

"Yes, basically that series of events led to Todd's current condition," Lipner confirmed. He had no idea about the situation or that Sam was really asking, was all of this his fault.

"What are the odds with something like this?" Sam asked in a monotone. "How many die?"

"Sam, don't." Viki admonished him for asking this.

"I want to know," Sam responded. He didn't make eye contact with Viki or anyone else. "How many die?" Sam repeated.

Doctor Lipner glanced quickly in Susannah's direction and answered. "Mortality is over 60%."

Without saying another word or looking in anyone's direction, Sam walked back to his place by the window. Sam's facial expression gave no clue to what he was feeling.

T�a reached for Viki's hands and held them tightly as she faced her. "Viki. Viki, Todd is going to be one of those who survive." T�a's voice was firm. It was as if she had no doubt.

Viki stared into T�a's eyes as tears continued to escape from her own eyes. "He's so sick. Oh God, what if he has no strength left to fight."

"No! You didn't hear Todd on the phone. When he called me he sounded . . . hopeful . . . that is what it was . . . he sounded hopeful. I don't know what happened while he was in that summerhouse, but I think something turned Todd around. Viki, when he called me he didn't call to say goodbye. He wanted me to know something important. Todd never gives up. You know how hard he fights for something he wants. I believe that Todd wants to tell me . . . maybe all of us . . . what happened during the days he was gone. I think Todd found something he had been looking for and he will not give up . . . not now . . . not ever . . . not ever."

Viki hugged T�a tightly. She pulled back slightly and stroked T�a's cheek. "Yes, if he thinks he can have a life with you, Todd will fight. He will fight with everything that's in him."

Viki wiped her eyes with her fingertips. She turned to Doctor Lipner. "What do you do to treat this?"

"Primarily, we treat the underlying infection, in this case pneumonia. We use supportive measures, meaning we keep Todd on a ventilator to reverse the abnormalities in his respiratory system. We treat the problems of each organ system as they occur."

"Todd's heart and kidney's are not 100%," Viki stated. "Is what's happening to him now causing any additional harm to them?"

"Todd's heart and kidneys and lungs are being monitored very closely. He's getting some diuretics. We have to be careful because vigorous diuresis can decrease cardiac output and then decrease perfusion to other organs. Right now we're not seeing any signs of heart failure. Unfortunately, we're starting to see some problems with Todd's kidneys. His urine output is down."

"That's treatable." T�a sounded like she was making a statement. She would not accept anything less than a full recovery for Todd.

"If it becomes necessary, Todd will receive dialysis. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that," Lipner answered. "For now we're trying to keep his output up."

"Please, can we see him? Todd needs to hear our voices and know that we're close by," Viki pressed.

"Yes. One at a time though. And only for about five minutes each."

Viki wished they were at Llanview Hospital, where they were able to get special permission to stay with Todd when he was in the ICU.

Viki offered to wait while T�a went back in to see Todd again. Despite how much she wanted to, T�a did the fair thing and said Viki and Sam should have their turn.

Sam shook his head when Viki asked him if he wanted to go in first. He never took his eyes away from the window.

***********

Viki took Todd's hand. It was warm, very warm. She felt his head. He was still burning up. Viki leaned in and kissed Todd's forehead. "Baby, it's Viki. I've been here all along. They wouldn't let us come in to see you before this. T�a and Sam are here too. We were all so frightened when you ran away. We couldn't bear the thought that we might never see you again. I know you thought you were saving us or sparing us pain when you ran off. Sweetheart, there is no greater pain for any of us than the thought of you leaving us. You have to fight this. Sam never meant to hurt you. I know that. Still, it's hard for me to forgive him for placing you in danger. I feel as if I can't trust him with your care anymore. I know you love Sam and wouldn't want me to feel this way. I still love Sam very much too. He needs you Todd. He needs you to come back an allow him to be a father to you. He needs your forgiveness."

Viki stroked Todd's head again. "Jessica and Clint are back home in Llanview. They're going to recuperate there, with us. Jessica wants to see her Uncle Todd again so much. She's hurting terribly over the loss of her fianc�. Sweetheart, Jessica couldn't handle it if she lost you too. She needs you. No one else in her life can make her laugh the way you can."�

Viki lifted Todd's hand a little higher and rubbed it between her hands. "T�a is outside. She believes you have something very important to tell her. You need to get well, sweetheart. You need to tell T�a what you tried to tell her over the phone. T�a loves you so dearly. She wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Todd, T�a is very strong. I think you know that. I think you also know that a part of her will die without you." Viki began to weep softly. "Oh, baby, a part of all of us will die without you. I know you have fought to survive all your life. You have to keep fighting. You have to fight harder than you have ever fought and come back to us. You might not have come from my body, but you are my child, Todd. I once told you that you are closer to my heart than the children I gave birth to. I wasn't lying to you. Kevin, Jessie and Joey know this. They are okay with it. They understand. I share a bond with you, only you. I need you. Sometimes I'm almost as afraid of facing this world as you are. Don't leave me here to face it without you."

Viki kissed Todd's forehead one more time. "I'm going to let Sam or T�a come in to see you now. They only give us each a few minutes at a time at this hospital. I'll be right outside, sweetheart . . . right outside."

Sam came in to see Todd next. As he walked toward bed four, Todd's bed, he wanted to run. He didn't want to see the damage he had caused. At the same time he couldn't look away. He wanted to feel the pain he believed he deserved to feel for doing this to Todd. He wanted to feel pain and punishment for everything he believed he did or allowed Peter to do to Todd since the day he met the small, bruised boy who wanted to play football.

Sam winced at the sight of all the equipment attached to Todd. As Viki had, Sam stroked Todd's head and felt how hot he was. Sam knew Todd would not respond to him or open his eyes. Yet, he felt as if Todd were seeing into his soul and blaming him for his present condition. "With your hair short like this, you look like the little kid I first met," Sam began softly. "Boomer, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I did this to you." Sam shrugged. He stared upward as he felt tears burn his eyes. "It seems that's what I've been saying to you ever since I came to Llanview. The excuse that I didn't know is kind of old now, isn't it? I should have! I should have known what your father was doing to you and saved you. You gave me enough hints. I saw Peter's handiwork with my own eyes. You trusted me and I failed you. Viki trusted me to take care of you and I failed her too. You never wanted to leave the hospital, did you? Everyone who loves you . . . T�a, Susannah . . . the staff at the hospital . . . they tried to tell me that it wasn't you. I wanted it to be. I wanted you to want to be with me. I wanted to believe that you had forgiven me and that you wanted me to be the father to you that you should have always had."

Sam laughed a sick and sad sounding laugh. "That's me. That's me in a nutshell Boomer. Selfish . . . thinking of myself and my needs. I ruined my marriage and probably my kids by thinking of what I need above and beyond everyone else. When I first came back to town I ran after Nora instead of giving you the support you needed. I would have ruined Nora's life too if I hadn't of smartened up at least that much and realized what true love is when I met Viki. I hurt her. I hurt your sister, Todd. I hurt you. And for what! To satisfy my needs! I wanted you to make me feel better about myself."

Sam ran his fingers though his hair. "You always did that for me you know. You made me feel like this big man . . . Coach . . . you looked up to me in a way my kids never did. You wanted to be with me more than they ever did. I took and took from you and gave you back so little."

Sam shook his head. "Even now . . . even now, a part of me is praying that you'll suddenly be fine and tell me that you forgive me . . . that you understand that in part I did what I did because of how much I love you. I thought you were being harmed in that hospital. I thought they were keeping you sick. Blair . . . no! I'm not going to use Blair or my love for you. No more excuses! I did this to you. The same way I placed you in danger every time I sent you back into that house to live with Peter, I placed you in danger when I took you out of the hospital. I didn't keep you safe when you were a kid and I didn't keep you safe now. Don't forgive me Boomer. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve your love. Viki and T�a do. Your daughter does. You have to get well for them. Please don't let what I did ruin all of their lives."

Sam began to feel disconnect from everything around him again. "You . . . Viki . . . my kids . . . sometimes I think you'd all be better off without me in your lives." Sam kissed the top of Todd's head. "I do love you Boomer. That is the one thing I am sure of. I love you with all my heart and I wish I had been your father. I'm praying harder than I ever prayed before that I get that chance. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that I don't still want the chance to try to make up for some of what I've done to you . . . didn't do for you is more like it . . . the thing I want you to know is that you would honor me by letting me be a real dad to you. Peter Manning was too sick and evil to appreciate what a gift you are. Please, Boomer, please come back to us. You know Lindsay sometimes called me a selfish prick. Now I know she was right because I'm gonna ask you help me. As sick as you are and in as much pain as you're always in, I'm asking you to help me . . . because . . ."

Sam stopped talking and began to weep softly. His voice choked with emotion as he continued. "Because . . . I'm gonna level with you pal. I'm scared. I never felt like this. It's as if everything is spinning out of control. I feel and think things I never dreamed I would. I don't think I can live knowing I took you away from Viki and T�a and your daughter and even Susannah. They all love you so much. You have no idea. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to come back for me. So do it for them. Viki will never forgive herself for trusting me with the most precious thing in her life . . . you. Do it for Viki. Fight! Fight the way you used to on that football field. Everyone who came to the game thought this small, skinny kid would never make it through the first quarter. By the time they left, they were in awe of you. They knew nothing and no one could ever keep you down. You have it in you pal. You fight like that." Sam's weeping increased. "You fight like that, Boomer, and you come back to me. You give me my boy back. You give me my beautiful boy back."

Loudly, some of the equipment attached to Todd started to sound alarms. The cardiac monitor made a whistling sound. It was in flat line mode.

"Bed four is coding," Sam heard a nurse say loudly.

Staff rushed to Todd's bed. Sam felt someone pull him away from Todd. "Wait outside," one of the ICU residents ordered.

Sam stared at Todd in silence. He was rooted to the spot.

"Sir, you need to wait outside," a nurse that wasn't part of the code team said. She gently tugged on Sam's arm and led him from the ICU.

The ICU fellow held cardiac paddles against Todd's chest. "Everyone stand back," he called as he discharged the paddles.

Todd's chest jumped in response.

The resident continued to give Todd cardiac massage as the paddles were recharged.

They all looked at the monitor.

"Still flat lined," the fellow called out. "Again," he ordered and yelled, "Stand back."

This time, Todd's entire body jumped in response as the paddles discharged.

"No change," the resident said loudly.

Lipner came rushing back into the ICU. He ran to Todd's bed. "How long has it been?" he asked.

"About four minutes," one of the nurses responded.

"Shock him again," Lipner ordered.

The fellow placed the paddles against Todd's chest and loudly called out, "Stand back" again as everyone exchanged anxious looks.

Todd's body jolted up and then fell.

They all looked at the monitor. The heart rate began blipping through.

Relief was written on everyone's face.

As most of the staff scurried around Todd's bed stabilizing him, Lipner stood at the foot of Todd's bed and watched him for a few minutes. "Don't give up, son," he said softly. He turned to his resident. "That was too close for comfort. Get another chest on him. I'm going to let his family know he made it through this one, but he's not out of the woods."

With everyone busy, no one saw that Sam had come back into the ICU. He stood off to the side. He saw nurses and doctors were still doing things to Todd.

Sam heard a nurse announce, "His cultures came back," to Todd's doctors.

Lipner, the resident and the fellow stepped over to the nurses station and checked out the long awaited lab test.

"It's what we thought," Lipner remarked. "The infection has gone from his lungs to his bloodstream. It's a matter of time before it spreads throughout his body and kills him. His kidney's are already starting to fail. Look at his urine output." He passed the labs to the fellow and resident. They both read them at the same time. "We need to sustain adequate renal perfusion and keep his output at 30-40 milliliters per hour," Lipner ordered.

The doctors went back to Todd's bedside.

Lipner shook his head. He looked at the various bags of medications going into Todd. "He's got the best antibiotics on board." Lipner chewed on his lower lip as he thought. He turned to the resident. "Replace all his catheters and IV's and send them to the lab for culture."

"Right away," the young doctor responded. He left to get what was needed.

The nurse who had gotten the culture results handed Lipner a sheet of paper. "His latest blood gasses are back. It doesn't look good."

Lipner took them. "Respiratory alkalosis. Shit," he muttered under his breath. "Check his lactate level and call me as soon as they're back. I'll be outside talking to the family."��

"Even my being near you, hurts you," Sam whispered. He left the ICU before Lipner had a chance to see him.

*********

"If he had died, he would have been without his family," Viki cried after Doctor Lipner filled them in one what had just happened. "It's cruel and inhuman to keep us from being with him."

"Mrs. Carpenter, I know it seems that way," Lipner said gently. "Nevertheless, if we had family in the way when we were working on Todd he might not have survived. We're not doing this to be cruel to either Todd or his family."

"I know. I'm sorry," Viki apologized. "At least Sam was nearby."

"Mr. Rappaport?" Lipner questioned.

"Yes. He was in with Todd when this happened and he's in with him now, isn't he?" Viki asked.

"No. We asked Mr. Rappaport to leave the moment Todd started to code. Didn't he come back here and tell all of you what was going on?" Lipner inquired.

"No," Viki answered nervously. She and the others looked anxiously into each other's eyes.

"Perhaps he went to the chapel or cafeteria," Lipner suggested.

"He left without knowing if Todd is alive or dead . . . no . . . Sam wouldn't do that." Viki stated.

"I'll go look for him," Bill offered. He placed his arm around Susannah's shoulder and gave her a comforting hug before he left. He knew the news the doctor gave them, terrified her as much as it did Todd's family.

"Are you going to put Todd on dialysis?" T�a asked.

"Not yet," Lipner replied. "I want give the antibiotics a little bit more of a chance to work." When he was satisfied that there were no more questions and everyone was up to speed on what was going on with Todd, Lipner said, "Todd can have visitors in about fifteen minutes. Again, just one at a time. However, if there are no problems, I will ask the nurses to allow you each a little longer time with him when you come in."

"Thank you," Viki and T�a answered at the same time.

"Susannah?" Viki asked. "People do make it though this . . . I mean what Todd has . . . don't they?"

Susannah looked into Viki's frightened eyes. "Yes, and I'll wager to bet that most of those people are not the fighters or survivors that Todd is."

Viki thought for a minute. "T�a, I want you to go in next."

"No," T�a protested with tears in her eyes. "Viki, you go. You are mama to Todd. You know how much he needs you."

Viki clasped T�a's hands in hers. "Honey, I know that. Yet my instincts are telling me that if Todd is going to fight this, it will be for a life with you . . . you and Starr."

T�a hugged Viki tightly. She was too emotionally overcome to say anything. It wasn't necessary. The two women knew what was in each other's heart. T�a left for the ICU.

*********

T�a walked slowly to Todd's bed. She was so afraid that this would be the last time she'd ever see him. She stared at him for a few moments. She tried to take in everything about him. It was as if she were trying to take one final photograph of him in her mind.

T�a lightly brushed her hand against Todd's arm. She feared he would disintegrate before her eyes. Like the lightest of feathers, her lips brushed against Todd's. "You helped me to find you. Do you know that? I dreamed about the summerhouse. I heard you calling out to me." As the memory of the end of the dream assaulted T�a's mind, she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block the image of Todd dying. Tears trickled through her tightly closed lids.

Suddenly, T�a felt determination, the likes of which even she had never felt before. She was not going to lose the life she had fought so long and hard for.

"No! Damn it Todd. You're not going to make me cry for you. Not anymore. What the hell were you thinking running away like that? You love me Manning. No matter how hard you've tried to drive me away, no matter what words you used to test me and push me from you. I now know what's true. When you thought I betrayed you to Kevin because I told him you paid for Georgie's burial and flowers, you looked into my eyes and told me I mean nothing to you. Even then . . . even then . . . Todd, you could not hide how you felt about me. A couple of weeks ago, when you told me you wanted a divorce because you still loved Blair and wanted to go back to her . . . your eyes . . . your eyes gave you away. Your words hurt me, until I realized they were meaningless. The truth was in your eyes and in your actions . . . the tenderness you showed me when I was hurt . . . when you thought I was sick . . . the only other person to ever see that side was Starr. I know the intense love that I feel for you and that you feel for me terrifies you. You believe you don't deserve to be loved that way and so you run from it. You say things to drive me away. Sometimes you even tell yourself that you don't love me or need me. I ask you to look inside yourself and that frightens you too. I think most of all you're afraid that you can never be the kind of man I want, even though you are what I have wanted all along. You believe it's too hard to be that and that you'll fall short and I'll be disappointed, and I'll leave you anyway. So you tell me things that you think will hasten the process and make me leave now. You try to convince yourself that you don't want this . . . us . . . or that you don't or shouldn't love me. It doesn't work, Todd. It doesn't. In the end we will always, always come back to each other no matter how hard we try to love someone else. I know, because," T�a's voice broke, "I tried with Andrew and you . . . I guess you were going to try with Blair. Querido, don't you see, even if I had lived with Andrew, if I had married him and you hadn't run away and tried to make a go of it with Blair, eventually we would have found our way back to each other. I think you know, the way I do, that what we both had been looking for all our lives . . . a way to fill up that empty, bottomless hole inside us, we found in each other. We're each incomplete. It's only together that we feel whole. It's only together that we can heal each other's wounds, the ones we've carried around since we were kids. I know that neither of us will ever let go of that. I hope you know that now."

T�a tenderly stroked Todd's cheek. She realized it was true. Despite everything, T�a was filled with hope. "Todd, as terrible as things seem right now, I have so much hope. You gave it to me. When you called me from the summerhouse you gave it to me like a gift, wrapped in a beautiful bow. I hope so many things. I hope you've come to the same realizations that I have and that is part of what you discovered in the summerhouse and what you wanted to tell me. I hope you want to say that there doesn't have to be any more running away from each other and that you believe our love is safe. I've known that for so long. I hope you can now believe how much I love you. You have some catching up to do, mi amor. Because, from the moment I woke up, after Blair sent me flying through that window, I knew you loved me."

T�a paused for a moment to collect herself and her thoughts. She lifted Todd's hand and held it tenderly in hers. "Sometimes I wasn't sure if I could handle your love. It's not a pretty love, pal. That much I can admit. It's filled with pain and more often than not it makes me furious and crazy and . . . and . . . frightened . . . not frightened of you. It makes me frightened of myself because I have no control. You stir something within me that no one else ever has. I can't stop loving you and needing you and wanting you. I've tried. You of all people know how much I have tried. You also know how terrifying it is to love and need someone so much, because I know that is exactly how you feel about me. It makes you vulnerable. That is the last thing either of us ever wanted to be."

T�a laughed at the irony. "And here we are . . . more vulnerable to each other than we'd ever been to anyone . . . yet it feels good. In a scary, crazy way, it feels good because it means we trust each other more than we have ever trusted anyone in our lives. I think that's something else you know now. It's safe to trust yourself. It's safe to trust our love. I've known that for a long while now. I think that somehow you found that out in the past few days. I think you found out that even though our love can be painful, it also feels good, and it's safe to trust those good feelings. Todd, it feels good because when I look into those amazing eyes of yours I see that everything I feel, you feel too, no matter what . . ." T�a's gently rubbed her fingers over Todd's lips. "No matter what words come out of this mouth, your eyes give you away every time mi amor. And those eyes tell me without a doubt that you love me."

T�a squeezed Todd's hand and then kissed it softly. She smiled. "Once someone has known what it's like to be loved by you, they can't forget . . . or ever get you out of their heart. I was able to walk away from you, but I could never walk away from the feelings I had for you in my heart. They're tattooed in there, Todd. My feelings for you are written on my heart in indelible ink. I would tell myself that your love was sick and abusive. And you know what? In some ways it is. I would think there was something wrong with me because I wanted it."

For a moment, T�a was overwhelmed with emotion. She shook her head. "There wasn't," T�a whispered. A whisper was all she could manage as the emotions she was feeling tightened her throat muscles. Then she continued. "There wasn't anything wrong with me. I know now I was giving myself what I wanted and what I needed. I needed to be loved the way you love, Todd. For all the pain that comes with it, your love is the strongest and most exciting love I've ever felt." T�a smiled again and laughed softly. "Nothing compares to being loved by you and that love is what kept me coming back to you over and over again, no matter what you did to push me away. I would bet everything I own that Rebecca, that girl you loved and told me about, still feels love in her heart when she thinks about you, and still thinks about what she could have had with you. Yes, she did the safe thing and left. Yet, I am sure that deep down in her heart she longs for the kind of love you give, even with all the danger and abuse attached to it. She might have found a safer love. I will bet she never found one that was as exciting or thrilling as loving you and being loved by you."

T�a stroked Todd's head. She rested her cheek on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. "Querido, you were my entire life. I thought that was unhealthy. I gave myself back my life . . . my career . . . I thought that would make me happy . . . make me feel good about myself. I was wrong. Without you in my life, everything I did felt hollow. Sure there were some ways you made me feel bad about me, but Todd . . . oh God, Todd, no one ever made me feel as good about being me as you did. You told me that when you looked at you, you saw garbage. Then, when you looked into my eyes you saw that I didn't see garbage. I saw something good and special and worth everything."

T�a laughed sadly and again with irony in her tone. "When I didn't have your eyes reflecting me back to me, I stopped seeing a special person too. I stopped seeing the T�a that you saw and only saw the janitor's daughter. I once told you that I felt like I would have to walk across a burning lake . . . like I would have to die to get what I wanted from you."

T�a's chin trembled. Angrily, she brushed away that tears that stained her face. With fingers still wet from her tears, T�a gently stroked Todd's cheek. "It was when I thought I lost you that I realized you were giving me what I wanted and needed all along. It was being apart from you that felt like death. Todd, don't you see?" T�a whispered into his ear. "You do for me what you say I do for you. And you are the one who is walking across a burning lake to give us a life together. You are facing the tortures of the damned to become whole and I know a big part of what drives you to keep fighting is the life you want with Starr and me. It was only when you were out of my life that I truly began to realize that, and there is no way!" T�a felt anger burn though her being. "There is no fucking way in hell that I'm going to lose you again, or do without what you can give me. I deserve to feel good about myself too. I deserve to get what I know you can give me and you are going to give it to me, Todd. You are not going to die and take everything I want away from me. I deserve better than that. I know it and you know it. So, you listen to me. You are going to live. You are going to get well and leave here. You are going to go back to your hospital in Llanview and you are going to do whatever therapy you have to do to heal enough to come home to me and live the life we dream about. Do you hear me Todd?" T�a didn't see that some members of the ICU staff were heading toward her. For that moment, all that existed for T�a was she and Todd. "Todd! Do you fucking hear me?"

"Mrs. Manning, you need to control yourself or leave. There are other patients here too and you were getting a little loud," one of the nurses admonished. "Your husband is sedated. Raising your voice won't make him hear you. I'm sorry, but your time allowed in here is up anyway."

T�a looked at her with anger blazing from her eyes. "He heard me. You don't have to believe it. He heard me!" T�a began to tremble. She rushed from the ICU. Susannah was walking toward the unit. T�a nearly ran her down.

Susannah held T�a by the upper arms. "What is it? What happened?"

"Todd's not going to die. He's not. He heard me. He knows I'm waiting for him. He knows it's safe to come back. He heard me. You tell them that! Todd and I both fought our demons to find our way back to each other. I fought mine when I refused to allow him to push me away and Todd fought his. He didn't allow Saber or Blair to take him away from me and he won't allow this illness to do it either. He heard me and he is not going to die. He's not. He's not." T�a said the last two words in a whisper. She broke down and began to sob.

Susannah held her tightly. "Shhhh. I'm sure he heard you. If anything will help Todd fight, it is that. Shhhh."

********

Bill checked the cafeteria and the chapel. There was no sign of Sam in either. He was on his way back to the ICU area when two security guards and a man in a suit rushed by. Bill heard a voice coming through the walkie talkie the man with the suit was carrying.

"He's on Eight East . . . the window that's facing the air shaft," the voice said.

"Is someone from psychiatry with him?" the man in the suit asked the person on the other end of the walkie talkie.

"They're on their way. A couple of nurses and doctors are trying to keep him calm and talk him down."

The hairs on the back of Bill's neck stood up. He approached the guards and the man with them. He took out his police ID and showed it to them. "Can you please tell me what's going on?"

"We got a jumper outside an eighth floor window," the head of security informed Bill.

"Do you know his name?" Bill asked with fear in his voice.

"Sam . . . Sam something" the man in the suit replied.

To Be Continued.

Copyright 2003 RS

This work of fiction is not affiliated with ABC Daytime and is not

endorsed by them. The images, characters, cities and settings are all

copyrighted by ABC Daytime. All material included in these pages is, in my

belief, for educational purposes, in accordance with the "Fair Use Act".

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