Chapter 130
Llanview, Pennsylvania

�I�m sorry. Todd hasn�t been seen by anyone we checked with,� Susannah sadly informed T�a over the phone. �Adam Beecher, Peter Manning�s former partner, went to Todd�s old home and asked the people currently living there if Todd had been seen. Sam gave us a list of all the places Todd liked back in Chicago. Mr. Beecher asked his son to help. They were kind enough to go to every place on Sam�s list. No one there has seen anyone matching Todd�s description.�

T�a�s heart sank. It was not that she truly felt Todd had gone back to Chicago, but she had hoped. Todd had now been missing for nearly fourteen hours. He had missed two doses of his anticonvulsant and other meds.

�I asked Mr. Briggs to check every corner of the Sun offices every couple of hours,� T�a told Susannah. �Todd might know ways into the building that no one else does. God how I wish he had come here or to Llanfair or had shown up in Arizona and was with Viki and Kevin.�

�I know,� Susannah agreed. �So do I. I spoke with Nora about a half hour ago. She said Viki and Kevin are both as tight as drums. Neither of them is talking about Todd. They are both doing all they can to hold themselves together. I think they both know if they think about Todd, they will lose it.�

�I know how they feel,� T�a admitted. �Do you think Todd realized we would try all the places we knew he was familiar with and purposely chose somewhere else because he plans on killing himself?� T�a�s voice trembled as she asked this.

�I don�t know,� Susannah confessed. �Todd has one of the strongest survival instincts of anyone I have ever known, perhaps the strongest. I�m hoping it is still intact.�

T�a knew that even Todd�s ability to survive what life had done to him might not be strong enough to survive the enemy within . . . Saber and any other alter like him that might live in Todd�s troubled mind. T�a didn�t bring this up. She couldn�t bear to say it aloud.

�How is Sam holding up?� T�a asked instead.

�He�s shut down. I believe he�s experiencing depersonalization symptoms as well,� Susannah stated sadly and quietly. �He seemed to do a little better when he was concentrating on the list of places in Chicago where Todd might have gone.�

�I�m happy that you�re with Sam. I wouldn�t want him to be alone or for Blair to have a chance to get to him again. Has Blair tried to contact you at all?� T�a questioned.

�No,� Susannah answered.

�She probably realizes that we all know this is her fault,� T�a said angrily. �Although I�m sure Blair is not blaming herself. Admitting to the terrible things she�s done has never been Blair�s strong suit.�

�I�m not defending her,� Susannah said. �However, she might have genuinely believed I was being paid to harm Todd, if she discovered the money in my bank account.�

�Have you discussed that with Sam yet?� T�a asked.

�No. I don�t think he could handle that right now. If that was the main deciding factor for Sam taking Todd home, he will realize that all of this happened for absolutely no reason.�

�Somehow I think if the money isn�t the reason Blair convinced Sam to take Todd home, she would have found another way,� T�a declared. T�a could not find it in her heart to understand Blair this time. She wanted to make her pay for what she did. It was only the fact that Blair was Starr�s mother that made T�a try to find forgiveness in her heart for her.

**********

Blair paced nervously. She had insisted Dorian go home. If Dorian had spent the night at the penthouse, as she had wanted to, Starr would have known something was wrong.

�Todd, please come back,� Blair prayed. �Don�t do this. I never meant for anything like this to happen. It�s not my fault. I was trying to make things better for you. Oh, God, please don�t take him from us. Starr needs her daddy. If you won�t do it for me or for Todd, do it for Starr. She�s just a little girl. Don�t make her grow up without her father.�

Blair felt so alone. She knew everyone besides Dorian would blame her for this. She couldn�t believe Sam had turned on her the way he had. �T�a is going to use this against me. I just know she will,� Blair said to herself.

Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn

Scottsdale, Arizona

�Mom,� Jessica said sleepily. �Have you been sitting here all night?�

Viki stroked Jessica�s hair. �It�s where I want to be.�

�What is it? I know something is wrong. I mean besides what happened to Dad and me.�

Viki realized that her daughter knew her well. She didn�t want to upset Jessica. She also did not want to talk about Todd. She knew she would not be able to keep herself together if she did. �I�m just worried about everyone.� Viki smiled and kissed Jessica�s forehead. �That�s a mother�s prerogative.�

Jessica smiled. She yawned. She had been given pain and sleep meds to help her. �Don�t worry too much. We�re all gonna be okay. I love you mom.�

�I love you too baby,� Viki whispered close to Jessica�s ear. She stroked her hair again as Jessica fell back asleep. �Thank God at least you�re safe now,� Viki again whispered. �Todd, oh Todd,� she mouthed.

Todd�s legs felt stiff as he walked down the bus� steps. It had been a long ride. He shivered against the cold night air. It was even colder here for this time of year than it had been in the city. Todd took a few minutes to get his bearings. He stood quietly and listened. Finally, he heard it. He knew in which direction to walk.

Todd looked at the silver mailbox at the foot of the path that led to the house. �Heath,� he said aloud. �I guess you�re still alive and you still come here.� hhsjdjdjdjdHHdjdkdkHe walked up the path. He stopped a few feet away from the red door and began to tremble. He saw all the lights were out. He prayed the house would be empty.

Todd lifted one of the plants outside the house. The key was still where it always was. His hand shook as he turned the key in the lock and opened the door. He stood still for a few moments, before he reached for the light switch by the front door.

Sheets once again covered the furniture. Everything that had been moved or broken by the fight he, Bo and Powell had was now put back where it had been or replaced. Todd knew someone had been here since January 1994, the last time he�d been there. He wondered if his stepfather had ever remarried. He hoped not. He could not bear the thought of another woman touching the things his mother touched.

Todd pulled the sheets off everything. His eyes scanned the room. Nothing much had changed since he was there last, or for that matter since he was there as a ten-year-old child. The wood trimmed wicker sofa and chairs were still in the same place. Thin white curtains still covered the glass on the front door. The rugs, the quilt on the bench, the table, chairs and black floor lamp near the window, and everything else was just as Todd remembered it.

Todd thought about the last time he was here. �It�s still the end of the road,� he said softly. Todd thought about Rebecca. He remembered how close he came to killing her and himself when he had taken her hostage here. At the time, he thought it was the only way for them to be together forever. �I�m sorry Rebecca,� Todd said aloud. �I hope you�re happy wherever you are. Getting away from me was the best thing you ever did. Delgado should leave me, the way you did . . . just get on a plane and go away. She�s like you in some ways Rebecca. T�a wants the best for me too. She wants to help me. She also sees what�s inside me. She sees the same darkness that you saw; only it doesn�t frighten her. It doesn�t make her wanna run. It should. It should make her get away from me. She thinks I can be fixed. I want that too, but I don�t believe it can happen. Delgado . . . oh she believes it. She believes I won�t hurt her and that she�s safe with me. You always told me how I scared you to death. I think Delgado needs some of that fear you had. Blair . . . she�s nothing like you. She was easy. She didn�t give a damn about my past or what was going on inside me. She never tried to make me look at stuff that hurts. Most of the time, she didn�t care if I hurt, as long as I didn�t hurt her. Even when I did hurt her, she came back. She loved my money more than she was afraid of me. Rebecca, I was really angry with you for leaving me after I got tangled up with Blair and realized she was lying to me. I knew I never would have gotten so involved with her if you had stayed with me.� Todd shrugged. �Then there were some good times with Blair, and most of all I�d never have Shorty and I never would have married Delgado, so I guess you did help me again after all. I�ll bet you�re happy now Rebecca. Maybe you found someone who could give you a good life. I hope so. I�d still be rotting away in Statesville if it weren�t for you.� Todd laughed sadly. �Then again that was probably where I belonged. Having Shorty and Delgado in my life is the best thing for me . . . not for them. You would have saved Delgado a lot of heartache if you never helped me get that pardon.�

Todd walked around the room. He stopped at the fireplace. He removed the loose brick from the wall to the right of it. The Iroquois arrowhead that he had hidden there when he was ten was back in its hiding place, behind the loose brick. Todd clutched it in his hand and brought his hand to his mouth. The last he remembered, he had thrown it when he became upset while talking to Rebecca.

What Todd had no way of knowing was that when Rebecca believed she saw Todd drown in the river, after he and Bo struggled with Todd�s gun and Todd was shot, Rebecca had gone back into the summerhouse. She found the arrowhead on the floor and placed it back in its hiding place. It was her own tribute to the little boy who had left it there, as a way to feel close to his mother after she had forced him to go back to a father that she knew would torture him.

�Mama,� Todd whispered. �You were so proud of me when I found this. You sat me on your lap and told me all about the different Indian tribes that once lived around here.� Todd looked for the picture of him and his mother. He was surprised to discover that not only was it back on the table next to the sofa, but also the glass had been replaced. It had broken when Rebecca had dropped it. Todd wondered if Charles had it replaced. �Maybe he really loved you a lot Mama. Maybe he wanted to look at you.�

Todd gently ran his fingers over the image of his mother�s face. �Mama, you were so beautiful. I don�t think any kid ever had a mother as beautiful as you.� Todd clutched the picture to his heart. �The day we took this picture was the best day in my whole life. You had gotten me those baseball cards and taken me to the fair. You acted like you had such a good time. I thought you were gonna want me to stay with you forever. I thought it was finally gonna be safe and it would stop hurting. I never thought I�d have to go back to Dad for the rest of my life.�

Todd pulled the light colored wooden frame away from his chest and stared again at the pretty woman with long dark hair and the little boy wearing a stripped shirt and cap. The little boy had a watch on his left wrist. Todd remembered how important knowing the correct time always was to him from the moment he realized that he lost time. �Mama, I guess I was always crazy. Did you know it? Did you know that I was a loony . . . psycho . . . as everyone in Llanview probably calls me?�

Todd sat down on the sofa. He was exhausted. He looked at the picture again. �Mama, that�s where I live now, in a loony bin in Llanview Pennsylvania,� Todd hung his head. �I know you�re probably even more ashamed of me now than you were when you lived with us. I�m sorry I was such bad son and a disappointment to you.�

Todd once again clutched the picture to his heart. He looked around the room. �Mama, is some part of you still here? It�s the last place we ever saw each other. Is your spirit ever here? Can you see me? It�s like I can see you. I never forgot the way you looked during the six days we got to spend together. You were so beautiful. It was the first time I had ever seen you without bruises. You never had to wear dark glasses the whole time I was here. You were able to go outside whenever you wanted to. I was so happy for you. I didn�t mean to make trouble for you and Charles. I didn�t want to spoil your happiness. I just wanted to be a part of it. I�m sorry. I should have known that Charles wouldn�t want to be my dad. I hope I didn�t make things bad for you and him after that.�

�No one wants to be our daddy.�

Todd spun around. He clearly heard Scared�s voice. He closed his eyes tightly. His hands clenched into fists. �Not here too. Oh please,� Todd whispered. He was terrified of hearing voices.

�We�re sorry,� Todd heard a different voice. He knew he had heard both of these voices before.

�We didn�t mean to frighten you,� Braver continued. �Me and Scared are sad too. Charles didn�t want to be our daddy either. But Doctor Hanen showed us that a lot of people love us. They love you too.�

Todd opened his eyes. He saw the strawberry blonde, freckled faced boys. �Go away,� Todd said softly.

Braver and Scared began to cry.

�Shit,� Todd mumbled to himself. �Okay, look, I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to make you feel bad. I . . . oh God! I can�t take this anymore.�

Todd anxiously paced back and forth for a few minutes. He ran his fingers thought his hair. �What the . . .� He had no idea it was so short. He caught his image in one of the windows. He stared at his reflection with wide eyes. This was the first time since his mother had left him that he had really short hair. At first, Todd panicked. He knew his father would not like it this short. He took some deep breaths. �He�s dead. He�s dead!� Todd kept telling himself until he could feel it. He ran his hands through his hair again. He felt some small satisfaction this time. Often, Todd felt a strong urge to cut his hair short. He never had the nerve. An unknown fear always stopped him. Now he understood some of the reasons that triggered that fear. �It�ll make it harder for you to grab me now, won�t it you miserable bastard!� Todd looked at his reflection again. The image in the glass didn�t look like him. Todd liked that. He wished he could be someone else. All his life he had wished that he could wake up as someone else and start again. He wished he could have the life he dreamed about. �Maybe this is an omen,� he said to himself.

Todd looked at the picture of his mother and him again. He saw he had short hair in the picture. �Mama, I think you would have liked it like this. I wish I could have been . . . I mean I�m sorry I was such an ugly, stupid, loser of a kid. Maybe if I had been better Charles would have liked me more and you would have kept me. Mama, now I know you�re not my birth mother. You picked me. I�m sorry you got such a lousy deal. You probably came to understand why my real mother didn�t want me either. I got all those letters you sent me. Dad kept them hidden from me. I didn�t see them until after he died. I know you tried to make me feel good in those letters. It�s okay. I know you tried your best to love me and you just couldn�t. Not enough anyway.�

�Mama said she�d take care of it. She didn�t fight to keep us,� Todd heard Braver say.

�We didn�t want Daddy to find Mama and hurt her,� Scared added.

Suddenly Todd saw himself listening at the door to one of the back bedrooms. It was open a crack. Todd peered in. He saw and heard his mother talking to Charles.

�You know there�ll be trouble. Having that boy here will be nothing but trouble. Do you want that?� Todd heard Charles say.

�Maybe we can try it for just a while . . . a few more days,� Todd�s heard his mother protest.

�No! That gives him a few more days to find you. You know what it will mean if he does,� Charles had replied.

Todd saw his mother nod. �All right. I�ll take care of it,� Barbara had answered sadly.

�No, Mama. Please, no, don�t send me back. I�ll be good. I won�t make any noise. Mama, I won�t eat a lot or drink a lot of milk. I won�t talk to Charles unless he talks to me first. I�ll try so hard not to have any nightmares and wake him up. Mama, please. I�m so scared. I love you so much. I wanna stay with you,� Todd cried. He was caught in the flashback. He felt like it was happening to him now. He slid down the wall and pulled his knees to his chest.

Scared and Braver were standing next to Todd. They had seen the same flashback that he had.

�Mama didn�t fight for us. She didn�t fight Daddy for us and she didn�t fight Charles for us,� Braver commented.

�Mama said she loved us and she was proud of us. But she sent us back to Daddy,� Scared sobbed.

�Stop it!� Todd cried out. �It�s me. It�s me she doesn�t want. It�s me she�s throwing back like a pile of garbage!�

�It�s us too,� Braver declared. �We came to help you after Mama told you she was going to make you call Daddy and then send you back to him.�

Todd was confused. Finally, he began to come back to the present. �She told me I had to go back. Then . . .� Todd thought hard. �Then I don�t remember anything until I was at the airport with Mama.�

�You wanted to see her again,� Scared reminded Todd.

�I knew I�d never see her again. I wanted those last few minutes with her,� Todd remembered.

�Maybe Mama was afraid that Daddy would hurt us worse if he found us with her because she didn�t know how to protect us. That�s what we figured out with Doctor Hanen,� Braver stated.

�And maybe Charles didn�t like kids, any kids, we figured that out too,� Scared added. He too remembered the last session he, Braver, Sarah and Lisa had with Susannah and T�a.

Scared spoke up again. �Daddy lied to us. Mama left because he hurt her and that made her drink the booze drink. Then she couldn�t think straight because she was so scared and because of the booze.�

Tears slid down Todd�s cheeks. �Maybe that�s true for you. Mama didn�t want me with her because she never forgave me for being exactly what I still am today, a stupid, disgusting loser.�

Todd felt a small hand one either shoulder. Braver and Scared were trying to comfort him with loving pats. Todd looked up into their large blue eyes. He saw the same pain he was feeling. �She made you go back to Dad too, didn�t she?�

Both boys nodded.

�We wanted Mama to love us enough to keep us,� Scared admitted. �We wanted Charles to want to be our daddy.�

�But Mama�s brain wasn�t working good because she was real scared of Daddy and because she drank too much of the booze drink,� Braver reminded his twin and Todd.

�Maybe Mama will let us stay with her this time. Is Mama here now?� Scared asked Todd.

Todd stared into the young boy�s eyes. He shook his head and whispered, �No.� He didn�t have the heart to tell either of them that their mother was dead. Even though Todd still thought of the people he saw as separate from himself, he was unconsciously beginning to accept that they were also a part of him and shared many things with him, including having Peter and Barbara Manning for parents.

�I wish Mama was here,� Braver said wistfully. �Maybe it�s not summer yet and Mama and Charles are somewhere else. We don�t know where Mama and Charles live when it�s not summer. Do you?� he asked Todd.

Todd shook his head. He never asked his mother that question. Even at ten years old, he had known better.

�It�s not summer yet,� Todd said softly. Todd could not bear to hurt a child.

Scared patted Todd�s shoulder again. �Don�t be sad. There�s a whole bunch of people who love us now.�

�That�s right,� Braver said cheerfully. �We made a list with Doctor Hanen. Sam loves us and Viki loves us and everyone at the hospital loves us and T�a loves us really big.�

�T�a�s our friend,� Scared proclaimed with a big smile on his face.

Todd felt panic rise within him. At the same time he felt shame wash over him. He wondered if T�a thought she was with him when she was with these two small boys.

�Did you spend a lot of time with T�a?� he asked in a trembling voice.

�Nope,� Braver answered.

�Just one time,� Scared chimed in. �That was when T�a said she wanted to be our friend. She said she would play with us the way Lisa and Sarah do.�

Todd didn�t ask who Lisa and Sarah were. He was afraid to. He wanted to tell them they had to stay away from T�a. He didn�t. He saw no point in hurting them when most likely he would never have to face T�a or anyone those boys mentioned again.

�I don�t want to make either of you feel bad,� Todd said gently. He looked both boys in the eye. �But I need to be alone. I came here to try to work some things out. I need to think and you really shouldn�t be around here now. Do you have somewhere safe to go to?�

The boys nodded. �We live with our new mama and papa,� Braver answered.

�You know them. They�re your mama and papa too,� Scared volunteered.

�What? I have no new . . . you mean Papa . . . Goodone . . .� Todd suddenly realized.

The boys smiled.

�He�s a good papa. He�s our papa too. We love him and Carol a whole lot,� Braver stated.

�They take good care of us and they�re never mean. Our new papa wants to be our daddy,� Scared added.

�Papa,� Todd whispered. He didn�t quite understand the connection and right now he didn�t want to. He realized how much he longed to be in Goodone�s arms right now. �NO!� Todd said loudly.

The boys were startled.

�Are you mad at us?� Scared asked in a small and frightened voice.

Todd looked at them again. �No. I just . . . like I said, I have things to do. I have to stay here and you can�t be here with me now.� The one thing that did not occur to Todd was that if he died, the children from within that he had grown to care about would die with him. He had not progressed enough in his therapy to truly get that.

What neither Todd nor Scared and Braver knew was that the caretakers in Todd�s system, even his beloved papa, knew they couldn�t interfere. They believed that Todd needed to continue to search for the forgiveness, redemption, and peace he sought. They turned their attention to the children in their care. Todd had to do this for himself.

�Will you get us if Mama comes back?� Scared asked meekly.

Todd�s lower lip and chin trembled. �Mama�s not . . .� Todd�s voice trailed off. He looked into the boy�s eyes. He could not bring himself to say it to them. �Mama�s not here right now. I�ll get you if she comes ba . . .� Todd stopped as his emotions overpowered him. Tears slid down his face.

Braver and Scared rushed to him and hugged him at the waist. Todd felt both boys bury their heads in his stomach. They too were weeping.

�Don�t cry Todd,� Braver managed to get out. �Mama loved you. Daddy lied to you like he did to us. You�re lovable.�

�A whole bunch of people love you,� Scared pointed out, �Viki and Sam and T�a and Doctor Hanen and Frank and Jeff and Terry and Connie and everyone who works at the hospital. That proves that Daddy lied.�

The boys were doing what Susannah had hoped they and some of the others would do ever since there had been increased communication among the alters and Todd. They were giving back to Todd what they learned through their own therapy.

�It was Daddy who made Mama unhappy. He made her drink the booze drink,� Scared stated.

�Mama never wanted to leave us. She wanted to leave Daddy and he made her too scared to take us with her,� Braver pointed out. �The booze drink and being real scared all the time didn�t let Mama think straight.�

�Maybe Mama thought Charles liked kids and then found out he didn�t and she was afraid that he�s be mean to us too or he wouldn�t protect us if Daddy found us,� Scared repeated what he had learned during his last session.

�Yeah, Mama thought she was doing the best thing cause she didn�t know what else to do,� Braver said firmly.

Todd thought about what the boys said. His eyes welled with tears again. �Maybe,� he whispered to himself.

Todd knelt down so he could be eye to eye with the young boys he saw.

He placed his arm around each boy�s waist. �I need you to go now. It�s not because I don�t like you. I like both of you very much. I need to be alone and try to . . . I don�t even know what . . . I just need to do it alone. Don�t feel bad, okay?�

The boys nodded.

If Susannah could have seen this interaction, it would have done her heart good. It would have made her smile. Neither Todd nor the alters realized it. However, Todd was learning to love himself. Yes, tremendous amounts self-loathing and hatred still filled his mind. Yet, learning to love, like, and respect those who lived inside him was the path to someday having those feelings for himself and believing that others could feel that way about him. At this point Todd would never believe it, but he was in the process of �fixing� one of the things he set out to fix. Todd was learning how to feel loved.

Todd felt both boys stroke his head and then they were gone. His arms felt empty. He fought to keep himself from calling them back. He felt alone and frightened. He kept himself from doing it. He knew he came there for a purpose.

�Mama, did Dad lie? Can I be loved . . . really loved? Will I ever be able to feel love? I know a part of why you left was because you couldn�t take what Dad did to you anymore. I wanted that for you Mama. I wanted you to get away. I never wanted you to suffer that way. I was happy that you got away. But I was scared too. I wanted to get away too.�

�Mama promised she�d take me with her.�

Todd heard Thomas� voice. For the first time, he saw the eight-year-old stand before him.

�First Mama said she was going to take me and her to heaven to live with Grandpa Tom. She said that a lot when she drank the booze. She�d let me lay down with her when Daddy wasn�t around and she�d tell me her secrets.�

�Oh God,� Todd whispered. Thomas� memories came back to Todd as more walls crumbled. Once again they became a part of Todd�s memories.

Thomas walked closer to Todd. �I love Mama more than anything or anyone in the whole world . . .�

�But you were scared to die and go live with her and Grandpa Tom,� Todd finished what Thomas was going to say.

Thomas nodded. �So Mama never took us to heaven. Do you think she was mad at me for being afraid to go?�

Todd stroked Thomas� head. �No.� A tear trickled down Todd�s cheek. He remembered. �When Mama wasn�t drinking, she�d say she could never do it. She�d say all she wanted was for us to be happy and safe. She wanted us to go somewhere that didn�t hurt.�

�You remember it too?� Thomas asked.

�Yeah,� Todd said as another tear fell. �When Mama wasn�t drinking, she�d let me lie down next to her and instead of talking about both of us dying and going to Grandpa Tom, she�d talk about leaving Dad and taking me with her.�

�Mama promised me she�d take me with her,� Thomas cried. �She promised she wouldn�t leave me with Daddy. Do you think she stopped loving me?�

Todd hugged Thomas tightly. �No. I think Mama always loved you and always will.�

�Mama always tried so hard to keep Daddy from hurting us. Do you remember that?� Thomas asked.

Todd nodded. He was too overcome with emotion to speak.

�So she must have loved us,� Thomas wiped his tears and said. �It must be like Scared and Braver and Sarah and Lisa said. They learned that Mama never wanted to leave us. She only wanted to leave Daddy. Mama loved us and we loved Mama. We loved her more than anything.�

�I hated Mommy sometimes. Maybe that�s why she left?� Andy said in a tiny voice.

�Don�t you say you hate Mama. I�ll make you sorry if you say that,� Thomas said angrily. He held up his small fists.

�No!� Andy bravely faced the older and larger boy. �It�s okay to hate Mommy and Daddy for what they did to us. We can still love them too. Frank and Doctor Hanen and Dave and Eileen and Terry and everybody says so.�

Todd recognized Andy from the other times he saw him. The last time was at the end of Andy�s play session, when Andy acted out torturing and killing Peter and Barbara. Todd heard and saw it him do it.

�Mommy hates me too for being a disgusting, prewurt,� Andy said sadly. �But I�m real mad at her for lying to me and not tecting me. She�s the mommy. She�s supposed to tect us. I can feel that way and still love her sometimes.�

Todd knelt down to the small boy he saw. He took him in his arms and stood up. He felt as if he had lifted Andy until they were eye to eye.

�It�s okay to be mad at Mama,� Todd said softly. He too remembered the session he had shared with Andy. He was able to connect with those memories. He was able to feel and understand what Susannah and Frank told him and apply it to Andy.

�No!� Thomas protested. �It�s not okay to be mad at Mama or say bad things about her, not ever, ever, EVER!�

Still feeling he had Andy in his left arm, Todd walked over to where he saw Thomas standing. He placed his other arm the young boy�s shoulder. �It�s okay for Andy to hate that Mama didn�t protect us because she got drunk and then she left us with Daddy. He can still love her even if he hates some of the things she did.�

Thomas looked up and Todd and burst into tears. �I wanted Mama to take me with her. She promised. She promised. She said she would take us both away. She said it a lot. She said she was proud of me and I was her good, smart boy. She said she loved me more than anything. She let me pat her hair. I�d wipe her tears away when she cried and she�d hug me and say �what would I do without my Thomas?� How could she go away and leave me? She knew how much Daddy hated me. She knew how mean he was and how scared of him I was. What did I do to make Mama leave without me?�

Todd pulled Thomas to him. The eight-year-old buried his face in Todd�s stomach and continued to sob.

�Neither of you did anything to make Mama leave or make her hate you. I promise you,� Todd said gently. �It wasn�t your fault. You are good. You are worth loving. It was Daddy. He forced Andy to do things and he made Mama so sick and scared that she couldn�t fight anymore. She couldn�t fight for you. She ran from Daddy. He abused all the fight out of her. She was too weak to take you with her and fight for you.�

Todd froze for a moment. For the first time he truly felt what he had just said to comfort the children he saw. �Oh God. Oh my God. Mama really did leave more because of Dad than because of me. She would have taken me with her if she could. She loved me. She really did love me, just like those twin boys said. Her mind and spirit were so damaged from all those years of abuse and drinking that she couldn�t think straight anymore.�

Todd�s arms suddenly felt empty. He looked around the room. He saw no one else. �Thomas! Andy! Where are you? No please! I-I . . .� Todd�s legs became too weak to hold him. He fell to his knees. �I need you. I need all of you. I remember now. I remember what it was like when I was little and some of you used to be there for me. I remember how good it felt to have you to talk to. I was so scared when I was alone. Andy, we would climb that big tree at the edge of our property. We used to talk. There was another boy, a very small boy. He was afraid to climb the tree. We would talk to him so he wouldn�t feel left out. There was a bear. The bear used to protect us and take care of us.�

Todd thought for a few seconds. �Bingo. The bear�s name was Bingo. Then he went away and . . . and . . .� Todd saw the loving face and welcoming arms of the slightly stooped elderly woman. �And then after Mama left, Miss Perkins came to take care of us. She was good and kind. She�d hold us on her lap and tell us the same stories that Mama used to tell us. She�d protect us. We would stay with her. Then . . .� Todd shuddered as he felt more of the walls that separated his memories from the alters� memories shatter and tumble down. �Then Papa came,� Todd whispered to himself. �Papa,� Todd called out. �Papa, I need you. I�m scared. I�m afraid. I don�t want to remember anymore. Make it stop. Papa, make it stop! I�m so scared. I want Delgado. I want Doctor Hanen and Viki and Sam and Frank and Dave and . . .� Todd rested his head in his lap as his weeping increased.

Goodone, Carol and Miss Perkins all wanted to go to Todd and take him in their arms. They wanted to bring him inside where he could be protected from the memories. They held back. They knew Todd needed to do this. Mike had visited all of them and they had been given their orders. Todd could only be pulled in if there was extreme danger to him or the system. Only once Todd was safely back inside would Mike make a final decision.

Mike thought about things long and hard during the bus ride to Mount Joy. He began to wonder if he was doing the right thing in keeping Todd alive at all costs. He saw how great Todd�s suffering was. He would give Todd this chance to find his way. Depending on how things went, Mike was not sure if he would allow anyone in the system to stop Todd should he decide to end his suffering once and for all. Mike agreed with Saber about one thing. This was Todd�s last chance. For Mike, it was not a question of hating Todd. It was Mike�s job to do what was best for everyone, but most of all for Todd. He knew that Todd would not be able to handle life, this time, if he failed to find what he was searching for. He realized if Todd could not find a way to allow himself to be with T�a and Starr and everyone he loved, he would rather not be alive at all. At the very least, Mike knew if Todd could not find what he was looking for he would have Goodone take Todd inside and put him to sleep, permanently. If no other alter could handle being out, Mike would send either the baby or Adam out in Todd�s place. They would start Todd�s life over again for him.

The caregivers put many of the alters in their charge to sleep. They knew neither Todd nor those in his system could take much more. Some of them, like Timmy, were in a bad way. By the time Timmy found his way inside he was in worse shape than Miss Perkins had ever seen him. Nothing she, Tom, Pete or Rodd did could comfort the four-year-old. He believed with all his heart that everyone he loved had abandoned him because he was bad. He was also terrorized from the last two times he had been out. Both times some stranger had abused him, first Dorothy and then the shop owner in New York City. Miss Perkins was frightened. Timmy would alternate. He would either stay perfectly still and stare into space, or he would whimper and tremble. He seemed unable to hear anyone�s words or feel anyone�s touch. Not even Randy�s sweet dog �kisses� could get a reaction out of Timmy.

Todd slowly lifted his head. He wiped the tears from his face with the back of each hand. He stood up. He retrieved the blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it tightly around himself. It wasn�t only that he was cold. He remembered that it helped him to feel more together.

�Delgado,� Todd said softly to himself. �Mama, can you see Delgado? I know you would have liked her. She�s a lot like you. Only she�s . . . well, she�s not scared . . . maybe she is sometimes . . . only she�s really strong. If she does get scared, she fights back.� Todd smiled when he saw T�a�s face in his mind�s eye. �Delgado has pretty hair like you did Mama. Sometimes I wanted to brush her hair, but I never asked. She would have thought that was weird. She has brown eyes like you too.�

Todd�s eyes filled with tears. �Dad always looked at me like I was garbage. When you looked at me, I saw that you liked me. You thought I was smart and good. I saw that you were proud of me. At least I think you thought that most of the time. It�s the same when Delgado looks at me. The whole world sees this big pile of garbage, but she doesn�t. She sees something good and worth loving. She says worth sticking around for too. I believed you thought I was worth sticking around for, but I wasn�t. The same thing is gonna happen with Delgado, isn�t it? One day she�ll realize that even if she does love me, I�m not worth it for the long haul.�

Todd walked over to the window. He looked up at the sky. �Is that what happened Mama? Did you wake up one day and decide that even though you loved me, I wasn�t worth all the pain? Would you have felt different if I had been your real son? I guess you made two really bad choices in your life Mama, the first when you married dad and the second when you adopted me. Delgado says I�m her choice. She might have already figured out it was a bad choice, if not she will.�

Todd jumped. �Delgado?� He ran out of the house. He looked around. There was no one. The only sound he heard was the rushing water of the river. He could have sworn he heard T�a�s voice. Todd shook his head to clear it. He pulled the blanket tighter around him.

�

�I knew you�d never find me here. No one ever will. At least not before . . .� Todd�s voice trailed off for a moment. �Delgado, will I ever be able to be with you again? Will it ever be safe for you and Shorty to be around me? I�m trying. T�a, I�m trying. I�ve done so many horrible, horrible things in my life. I was never punished enough for the things I�ve done, almost all of them to women. What if it happens when I�m with you or Shorty? What if I can�t stop myself from hurting you? What if the rage takes over and won�t stop until I . . . until . . . oh God. I need to find out what is wrong with me. What makes me so evil that even my own mother left me? They both left me. One gave me away and the other . . . the other . . .�

Todd walked back inside the house. He looked around the room. �Mama? Mama why? I know those little boys were right and you were so hurt and so scared and not thinking straight, but I can�t feel it when it comes to me. All I can feel is that I�m evil and disgusting. Were you able to see me when I was raping Carol and Marty? Oh, God, Mama. Did you see what I turned out to be? I swear I never meant to kill Suede or get Patrick killed. I never meant for Marty�s baby to grow up without a dad. Were you seeing me all the times I hurt Delgado? Mama, don�t you see what you did to me when you left? I can�t love the way other people do. I can�t feel love at all. It�s like I�m not even human. Everything hurts me, Mama, all the time. I don�t know what it is not to be in pain. I once tried to explain to Delgado that I feel like a human nerve ending. Sometimes I feel like I�m inside out and all my nerves and guts are exposed to the world. They hurt me Mama. They all want to hurt me. I can�t blame them, but it still hurts. There is never a time when it�s not hurting and I don�t even know what it is. It�s like there is something out there, something that always makes me feel afraid and on the edge. It�s always hovering over me and hiding under the bed and around every corner. But the beast isn�t only outside me. It�s inside me too Mama. It�s inside me, just waiting. I know that sooner or later I�ll hurt them all. I hurt everyone I love, and make them leave. I always have and I always will. I don�t know how to make it stop. I want to do anything that will make all these terrible feelings go away. Then when I realize what I have to . . . things that hurt so much . . . like therapy. I get so scared and I can�t face it. I don�t want to remember anymore. I can�t take it. I�m a coward . . . a wimp . . . just like Dad always said I was. I hate to wake up. It isn�t a question of if something horrible is going to happen that day. It�s just a question of when. It�s always there, Mama. It waits for me to feel a glimmer of hope or happiness and BAM! Something terrible happens. It teaches me. It teaches me that there is no hope. Nothing good will ever be there for me for long. Please help me. Oh, Mama, help me. Please tell me what�s wrong with me. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me what I have to do to be with those I love. Tell me how I can know that they�ll always be safe around me. Tell me how I can feel their love.�

Todd began to sob again. He gasped for breath. �Tell me! Mama! Damn it, you tell me! You tell me what I did to make you leave! You tell me how to stop everyone I ever cared about from leaving me! They all leave. Sooner or later they leave. I drive them all away the way I drove you away. Delgado says she�ll never leave, but she will. I�ll end up making her leave. I�ll make Starr leave me one day. Viki . . . Sam . . . they�ll all leave. I can�t take it anymore. I can�t take being left anymore. If I can�t figure out how to make myself stop driving everyone away than I have to leave. Once and for all, I have to end this! I can�t take it anymore. It never stops hurting. Mama, help me. Oh God, please, someone . . . is there someone . . . anyone . . . please . . . I�m so scared . . .�

Todd�s head shot up. He heard it again. Once more he ran outside. This time he saw her too. �Delgado. Oh, Delgado, you shouldn�t have come. I want better for you. I want you to be safe and happy.�

�Todd,� he heard T�a say softly. He saw the love for him in her eyes. He saw T�a reach out.

�Delgado, you have to leave. I haven�t figured it out yet. I still don�t know how to keep you safe. I don�t know how to keep you from wanting to leave me. I still don�t know how to feel love.�

�I love you Todd. I will never leave you.� T�a�s voice sounded far away to Todd. It sounded as if it were mixed in with the wind.

�You might have to. You might have to give up on me. I may never be able to love you back the way I want to or feel it when you say you love me. I want to. Delgado, I want to, so bad. I�m trying. I�m trying to figure everything out. I�m trying. I want to be able to love you without my love being a curse. Don�t give up on me yet. I want to find my way back to you.�

�You never left me Todd. You�re here.� Todd saw T�a place her hand on her heart. �Come to me Todd. It�s safe. Come to me.�

Todd saw T�a step closer to him. She reached out her hand again.

Todd reached out for T�a�s hand. �What?� he cried when his hand closed around nothing. He blinked several times. T�a wasn�t there. No one was.

Extreme fatigue washed over Todd. His head hurt slightly. He had a strange metallic taste in his mouth. He smelled an odd odor he never smelled before. Then Todd felt nothing. He had no awareness as his muscles alternately contracted and relaxed as he was in the throes of a seizure.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

�Todd,� T�a cried out as she woke up trembling.

�Mija, I�m here,� Carlotta comforted. Carlotta had awakened at eight in the morning. Since then she�d been sitting by T�a�s bed. It was almost nine now. Carlotta had taken care not to awaken T�a. She knew that T�a had not fallen asleep until nearly six in the morning. When Carlotta had gotten up to use the bathroom at five forty five in the morning, T�a was at the desk trying to draw a picture of the room in her dream. It was only at Carlotta�s insistence that T�a had gone to bed then.

�Todd, I�m here,� T�a continued to cry. �I�m here.� T�a held out her hand.

�T�a! Wake up mija. Todd is not here. You�re having a dream.�

T�a looked around frantically. She finally woke up all the way. Tears fell down her cheeks and landed on the blanket. �He was so close. I could see him. I couldn�t reach him.�

�Was it the same dream?� Carlotta asked.

�No. I heard Todd calling to me. He was off in the distance. I don�t know where we were. I think it was outdoors, near a river or something. I heard the sound of water rushing. I saw Todd. He was reaching out to me. He said, �I�m trying to find my way to you. I don�t want to leave you. I�m trying. Delgado, I�m trying so hard. Don�t give up on me.� I called back to him. I told him I�d never give up on him. I told him I loved him. I begged him not to leave. I reached out to him. He started to reach back. Our fingers almost touched and something pulled him away. It kept pulling him father and father away from me until I could hardly see him anymore.� T�a�s tears turned to gut wrenching sobs. �He was lost to me. I couldn�t reach him. Oh God, I couldn�t reach him.�

Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn

Scottsdale, Arizona

�Doctor, thank you. I�m so glad you were able to schedule Jessica�s tests for an earlier time,� Viki said softly.

�No problem. I understand that all of you want to be able to get back to Pennsylvania as quickly as possible. I hope your brother returns safe and sound.�

�Thank you,� Viki said in a voice barely above a whisper. Her voice took on the same disconnected tone it had taken on when anyone mentioned Todd. Shutting down was the only way some of those who could do nothing to help Todd found to deal with what happened. For now they were unconsciously numbing themselves to the situation.

Viki went in to tell Jessica she would be taken for some more tests in a few minutes. Viki�s heart broke when she walked in and saw Jessica weeping into her pillow.

�Baby,� Viki said gently. She placed her hand on Jessica�s shoulder.

�Mom, I miss him so much. I can�t believe I�ll never see Aaron again. We were going to be so happy. We loved each other so much. We even talked about what our kids would be like. Why did I survive and he didn�t? What if we�d been sitting in each other�s seats? Why? Mommy, why?�

Viki noticed that Jessica was hugging Moose; the stuffed parrot that Kevin told her Timmy gave her. The doctors told Viki, Clint and the rest of the family that it might take a while for the full impact of what happened to hit Jessica. Viki knew Jessica was suffering from survivor�s guilt in addition to everything else.

Viki sat on the bed. �Baby, Aaron loved you with all his heart. From everything I�ve learned about him, if he had the choice, he would have wanted you to be the one to survive.�

�Oh, Mom, I know that. He only wanted what was best for me. But don�t you see? I felt the same way about him. How could that person do it? How could he get into a car drunk? How could he care so little about us and himself? What kind of monster does something like that? I hate him! I hate him! I hope he rots in hell for eternity.�

�If there is a hell, I have no doubt that�s just where that low down piece of dirt is right now,� Asa said loudly as he wheeled Clint into Jessica�s room.

�Daddy,� Jessica called out.

Asa pushed Clint�s chair right next to Jessica�s bed and close to the Viki.

Clint could not lean forward enough and Jessica could not sit up enough for them to hug. Viki took Clint�s hand and Jessica�s hand. �We�re all here and we�re together. Baby, your daddy and I will always, always be here for you.�

�Daddy, I�m so sorry. I wish I had never called you to pick us up that night. I could have lost you too.�

�You�ll never lose me, pumpkin,� Clint assured his child. �You never have to worry about that. As Mom just said, no matter what else happens, we are your family and we�ll always be there for you.�

Jessica looked at her parents. �I used to talk to Aaron about how much I wished you two were together and we could be a family. I think he�s smiling now when he sees the two of you together again.�

�Jessie, your mom and I aren�t . . .�

�Aren�t going anywhere,� Asa interrupted. He knew what Clint was about to say and he cut him off before he had the chance. �We are all going back to Llanview as a family and your mom and dad are both going to be there for you and so is Kevin and you won�t be able to pry Renee and me away from you with a bulldozer. It�s times like this when it�s important for families to stick together. Right Viki?� Asa added.

Viki looked uncomfortable for a moment. She then stroked Jessica�s head. �Right,� she whispered.

�Mom, I want to see Uncle Todd when I get back. I know you told me not to call him at the hospital in all these months because he had to be ready, but please, as soon as I can get around, ask Uncle Todd if he�ll see me.�

Viki and Clint exchanged uncomfortable looks. Bo told Clint that Todd had run off. Jessica had no idea.

�Kevin told me so much about Timmy,� Jessica continued. She hugged Moose. �He told me how much Moose means to Timmy. I want to thank him for sharing with me.�

A nurse and two employees from transport came into Jessica�s room with a gurney.

�I�m going to have to ask all of you to wait outside right now,� the nurse said gently. �We�re going to take Jessica for those tests.�

Viki kissed her daughter on the forehead. �You�ll be fine baby. As soon as we get the results we�ll all be able to go back home on Grandpa�s plane.�

�I don�t want to be here anymore,� Jessica said sadly. �I want to be back home, in my old room with you and Dad there.�

Viki swallowed hard. She pushed thoughts of Sam out of her mind for now too. She would figure out what to do when she got home.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

�Sam, are you sure you wouldn�t like a little breakfast?� Bill asked. �Maybe just some toast to go with that coffee?�

Sam shook his head. �Bo said they should all be back by this afternoon, right?� Sam asked for the third time.

�Yes. He said they are rescheduled some test Jessica needed for very early this morning.�

Susannah came into the foyer where Sam and Bill stood.

Sam looked up the long stairway. �Remember how much Tom loved sliding down the banister?�

�Yes,� Susannah said softly. �It was one of the things he looked forward too when he came home for Christmas.�

�He left most of the presents we got him here, in his room. He said he wanted them to wait here for him. We knew it was his way of keeping his place here.� Sam swallowed hard. �They�re still here, right where he left them . . . waiting for him.� Sam turned away when he couldn�t hold his tears back anymore.

Bill looked at Susannah. He wasn�t sure what to do.

Susannah slowly approached Sam. She placed her hand on his upper arm. She felt Sam�s muscles tighten in response to her touch. She didn�t pull away.

Sam turned around and faced her. �I did this. I did this!� Sam�s knees buckled.

Susannah lowered herself and Sam to the floor. Sam held onto her tightly. �Oh my God. How can he ever forgive me? How can Viki? I did this,� Sam wept.

�Shhhhh,� Susannah continued to hold him. �Viki knows how much you love Todd. Todd knows you love him. Wherever he is, he knows how much you love him.� Susannah continued to hold Sam as sobs racked his body.

***********

SECRETS

130 PART 2

Mount Joy, New York

Todd moaned. His head hurt. His mouth hurt more. He felt fatigued, confused and disoriented. He didn�t know that it had been over an hour since the three minute, fourteen second seizure had ended. He didn�t remember opening his eyes and waking up for a moment here and there during his postictal state. Todd reached up. He felt caked blood on the side of his chin. He tried to sit up. At first, he fell back again. Then he managed to pull himself up. Todd shivered. He still didn�t realize what had happened. He thought he had fallen. He looked around. He felt embarrassed and frightened. He wanted to make sure no one was around. He didn�t have to worry. None of the nearby summerhouses were occupied yet. The unusually cold Memorial Day weekend kept most of the summer people away.

Todd tried to stand. He felt too dizzy and weak. He sat on the ground for another few minutes. �Delgado, I dreamed I saw you. Or was it a dream? You weren�t really here, were you?� Todd asked aloud. �I know you won�t find me here and that means that it�s okay. You�re safe. If you�re not near me you�re safe, physically and emotionally. If things don�t work out soon, you�ll forget all about me. You�ll stop waiting and wishing and hoping for something that can never be.�

Todd finally felt strong and steady enough to stand. When he did, he realized that his pants felt sticky and wet. He looked down and saw that he had wet himself. He squeezed his eyes shut. �Oh, God, what�s happening to me?� He was very grateful T�a wasn�t really there to see his shame. �I�m such a loser,� he muttered to himself. Suddenly Todd remembered some of the things Susannah told him about epilepsy and seizures. Did I have a seizure? Todd thought. His heart began to race. He was terrified. He quickly calmed down. �Maybe the seizures will kill me. It�ll make things so much easier if they do,� Todd whispered to himself. He looked around one more time to make sure no one was watching him. Then he looked off into the distance, where he thought he had seen T�a. �I don�t think I�m going to be able to do it T�a. I don�t think I�m going to be able to fix me,� Todd said in a trembling voice as he slowly walked back into the house.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

�Mija, please, come sit down. Pacing is not going to help Todd.� Carlotta was terribly worried about T�a. She had never seen her this frantic.

�I can�t stand just waiting here and doing nothing. Todd is in trouble. I can feel it. He�s out there and he needs me and there�s not a damn thing I can do except wait in case he calls or comes here.�

�You only got a couple of hours sleep last night. Try to lie down. Even if you don�t sleep, just rest. Please, for me, if not for yourself. When Todd comes back, he will need you. You know how upset he�ll be if you are sick. He will blame himself.�

T�a knew this was true. She looked at her watch. It was nearly three in the afternoon. She knew Viki, and the Buchanans should be back in Llanview. T�a assumed Viki would first go to Llanview Hospital to see that Jessica and Clint were settled in. She wondered how Viki was holding up. She also wondered how Viki would react to Sam. Even after everything that happened, T�a still had nothing but compassion for Sam. She knew he loved Todd deeply. She also knew Sam was ill. It was Blair T�a held far more responsible for this than Sam. She hoped Viki would feel the same way.

�I�ll go lie down,� T�a agreed. She kissed Carlotta on the cheek. �Thank you for being here for me. I don�t want you walking around on that leg. If you need something you call me. Promise?�

Carlotta stroked T�a�s cheek. �I promise. Don�t worry about me. I�m going to stretch out here on the couch. The ringers on the phones are turned up to high. We will hear them ring even if we are asleep. You rest, mija. You rest.�

T�a closed her eyes. Sleep did not come. Instead her mind drifted to the life she had with Todd. T�a remembered the first time she and Todd officially met. Todd thanked her for being tested as a bone marrow donor for Starr. Her mind drifted to that fateful day Todd asked her to represent Alex Olanov. T�a had always been respected in her profession. She felt respect from her fellow students and teachers in law school, and from her fellow attorneys at the law firm in New York. Yet there had been something about the faith Todd had in her that made her feel special. From the beginning Todd had that effect on her. T�a thought about the time she went to the penthouse to bring Starr a present. Todd, in his own Todd like way, said, �Don�t go just yet, okay?� She could tell then he was lonely. T�a remembered telling him she was Park Avenue bred in address only. She told him the only reason she lived in that upscale neighborhood was because her father was the super at the building they lived in. Up until that night, the Vegas were the only ones in Llanview who knew about T�a�s past. T�a spent her entire childhood feeling as if everyone was looking down on her. Right from the beginning Todd made her feel okay about herself. Instinctively she knew there was nothing she could tell him that would make him look down on her. It was also that night that T�a discovered she and Todd had abandonment issues in common. T�a had always felt ashamed to tell people her mother left her. She could never get over the feeling that she did something wrong to make her mother leave. She also thought if her mother didn�t think she was worth sticking around for, no one else would think she was worth anything either. Todd understood this. He understood this like no one else ever had.

T�a couldn�t stay in bed. She felt like she was jumping out of her skin. She walked over to the window and looked down at that city below.

�Todd,� T�a called softly. �Are you out there somewhere?

Are you still in Llanview? I don�t think so. I think I would feel it if you were nearby.�

More memories flooded T�a�s mind. She remembered the first time Todd touched that special place in her heart. It was at their wedding, when Todd bought T�a a bouquet of flowers. She knew he realized how cold the entire City Hall ceremony seemed to her. It was a business deal, and yet Todd sensed T�a�s need for there to be some kind of emotion attached to it. Perhaps even then Todd wanted that emotional attachment as well.

A knock on the bedroom door interrupted T�a�s thoughts.

�Come in,� T�a called out.

Carlotta stepped into the room. �Everyone is back in Llanview. Bo and Nora are here. They came to see how you were doing.�

T�a realized that meant they had no word on Todd. She wiped away the tears that filled her eyes. She followed Carlotta into the living room.

�How are Jessica and Clint? Did they tolerate the trip well?� T�a asked.

�Yes,� Nora answered first. �Jessica was mildly sedated and on a lot of pain medication. That helped.�

�Clint refused any sedation or pain killers. He wanted to be alert in case Jessie or Viki needed him,� Bo added.

T�a nodded. �That sounds like Clint. Do Clint and Jessica know about Todd?�

�Clint knows,� Bo explained. �Viki didn�t tell Jessica. She knows how much Jessie loves Todd. That little girl already has enough on her mind.�

�I�m so sorry to hear about Jessica�s fianc�,� Carlotta said sadly. �I called Christian in New York. You know he still cares a great deal about Jessica. He wanted to come home to see her. I told him to wait. I thought it best Jessica had time to settle in and be with her family.�

�I think that�s best for now. Jessica still hasn�t come to terms with what has happened. It�s really just hitting her now,� Nora volunteered.

�Are Viki and Kevin at the hospital?� T�a asked.

�Yes. They went straight there to be with Jessica and Clint,� Nora answered.

�How are they holding up?� Carlotta asked.

�I think they are both trying as hard as they can not to think about Todd right now,� Bo declared. �It�s the only way they can keep themselves going.�

�That�s what Doctor Hanen thinks too,� T�a commented. �She believes they shut down. It�s the only way they can handle doing what they have to do and the panic of not knowing where Todd is.�

Nora took T�a�s hand. �How are you holding up?�

�I�m fine,� T�a said firmly. �I will find Todd before it�s too late. I will.� T�a saw Bo, Nora and Carlotta exchange quick glances. �I know you don�t think that�s possible. I think it is. I know Todd is reaching out to me. I hope he can feel me reaching out to him and find a way to let me know where he is.� T�a looked at the three pairs of worried eyes that looked back at her. �I haven�t lost it,� she said defensively. �I know that Todd�s been gone for two days. He�s out there alone and without his medication. I understand how dire the situation is. I also know that Todd and I have this . . . this . . . connection. If something had already happened to him, I think I would know it.�

Bo heard an almost angry tone in T�a�s voice. He prayed she was right, but he believed this was just her way of coping. �I�ve been checking with the police in all the nearby states every couple of hours.� Bo tried to sound assuring. �If Todd had been taken to a hospital or . . . well . . . uh . . . if he had been found at all they would have told me.�

T�a understood the implications in Bo�s statement. She would not let thoughts like that enter her mind. �Does Viki fully understand what happened and how Todd ended up at the penthouse?�

�I don�t think any of us have a full grasp of the situation,� Nora admitted. �We can�t believe that Sam is this far gone.�

T�a�s eyes blazed with fury. �Blair helped push Sam over the edge. He never would have taken Todd out of the hospital if she had not preyed on his illness.�

Bo shook his head and sighed. �We thought it was something like that.�

�Hasn�t Blair hurt Todd enough over the years,� Nora snapped, surprising everyone. Her compassion for Todd was apparent.

Nora realized their surprise. �I�m only stating a fact. We all know that Blair is no saint. Todd was alone in the world and trying to get his life back together when she took advantage of his vulnerability and lied to him about being pregnant. She knew someone with Todd�s history would never turn his back on his child.�

Bo smiled. He admired Nora more than he ever had before. He knew that she had truly been able to overcome the past and find forgiveness in her heart for Todd, not just the children that lived within him.

�I�m worried about Sam,� T�a admitted, �Sam and Viki both. I don�t know what this will do to them. I hope Viki realizes that Blair took advantage of Sam.�

Nora looked at her watch. �Well, whatever Viki is going to say to Sam, she�s probably saying it right now or soon will be. She planned on going to Llanfair once Clint and Jessica were safely in their hospital rooms.�

Llanview, Pennsylvania

Viki turned the lock and opened the door to the home she�d known all her life. This time nothing felt right about it. She knew once inside those doors she would have to face the fact that Todd was missing and possibly in terrible trouble, or worse. Viki listened for a few moments. There was silence. Bo told her that Susannah and Bill were going to be staying with Sam at Llanfair. Panic filled Viki�s being. What if they were called because something happened to Todd and they all left, she thought to herself. With trepidation, Viki walked into the living room. She saw Susannah and Bill sitting on the sofa and Sam sitting in one of the chairs. Sam was staring off into space. It was obvious that Bill and Susannah were giving him silent support. Viki didn�t want to. Nevertheless, she felt anger wash over her.

�Viki,� Susannah called out. She stood up and walked over to where Viki stood. She took her hand. �How are Jessica and Clint?�

�They�re both experiencing a little more pain because of being moved around so much. They have a long way to go but they will both be fine. They are strong and determined to get their lives back.� Viki looked directly at Sam and continued. �Todd was determined to end his life, and now he�s been given that chance, hasn�t he?�

Tears welled in Sam�s eyes again. He stood up slowly and headed for Viki.

Viki saw that Sam appeared to have aged ten years since she last saw him. She could see how distraught he was. She knew he would be blaming himself. She tried again to squelch the anger she felt. Viki knew Sam was ill. She knew how tortured his soul was. She also knew that she was the one who placed Todd in Sam�s care, knowing that Sam had some severe problems of his own. Yet, once she saw Sam, all the fury she felt at her father, at Peter and Barbara Manning, at Blair, and at life for doing this to Todd became unleashed.

�I-I-I�m sorry,� Sam managed to get out.

�You�re sorry? You helped Todd find a way to kill himself and you�re sorry!�

�Viki, you need to calm down,� Susannah said gently. �We don�t know that Todd plans to hurt himself in any way. I need to explain to you why Sam thought Todd was being har . . .�

�How could you allow Sam and Blair to do this Susannah?� Viki cut her off and began to lash out at her. �I trusted you with Todd�s care. I trusted both of you, and the minute I left look what happened! Look what you let happen to my baby!� Viki began to sob. She covered her face with both her hands.

Sam put his arms around her and held her. �I know this is my fault. I would die for that boy. Viki, I swear to you I thought I was saving him. I thought . . .�

Viki pulled away from him. �I don�t give a damn what you thought! How could you do that! How could you listen to Blair? You know that she has an agenda. When has Blair ever done anything in Todd�s best interest? You allowed Todd to be hurt when he was a child and you�re still allowing it!�

Sam looked as if he�d been slapped. He turned ashen.

The minute the words were out of Viki�s mouth, she regretted them. �Sam, I didn�t mean it that way. I�m scared to death for Todd and . . .�

Viki stopped talking when Sam stepped back and away from her. She quickly glanced in Susannah and Bill�s direction.

�Sam, Viki, please. Let�s all sit down,� Susannah said gently, yet firmly. �All of our emotions are running high. We are all . . .�

�No,� Sam interrupted. �Viki is right. I did this. It�s my fault that Todd is in the shape he�s in. I could have saved him years of torture and I turned my back on him. Now I turned my back again on what was really going on, and because of me Todd might die.� Sam looked into Viki�s eyes. �You can�t hate me any more than I hate myself.� With that Sam rushed to the front door.

�Sam!� Viki ran after him. �I�m sorry. I know that somehow Blair convinced you that Todd wasn�t getting the proper treatment.�

Sam stopped for a second. He faced Viki. �And I allowed Todd to convince me that his bruises and burns were not the result of abuse. I trusted my judgment. I had faith in myself that I never should have had. My judgment is as off now as it was when Todd was a child, and both times he�s paying the price. At least we both know that now your judgment is sound. You were right. I have always allowed Todd to get hurt. Todd is mentally ill because of me and now he might be sick, hurt, or dead because of me too. The only time you ever misjudged a situation was when you allowed me anywhere near that boy.�

�Peter, Barbara and my father are to blame for Todd being mentally ill. Blair is the one who used you to help her get Todd out of the hospital.�

Sam shook his head. He didn�t want anyone making excuses for him. He wanted them to blame him as much as he blamed himself. His need for punishment was great.

Viki took his hand. �Sam. Susannah is right. We are scared to death for Todd. This is not the time to discuss who�s to blame. Let�s go back and sit down. We need to stay calm in case Todd contacts us.�

This time it was Sam who pulled away. He looked into Viki�s eyes. She saw the torment and self-loathing he felt. Sam laughed a sick sounding laugh. �Viki, you don�t believe he�ll do that any more than I do. Saber was out. Susannah and T�a tried to tell me it was Saber. I needed to believe it was Todd and he wanted to leave with me and allow me to try to make things up to him. I let an alter who wants nothing more than to see Todd die take Todd and everyone who lives inside Todd . . . everyone of those precious children . . . somewhere to kill them or force them to kill themselves. If you don�t hate me then you shouldn�t be allowed near Todd either!�

Sam opened the front door.

Viki grabbed his arm. �Please! Don�t leave. What if Todd does call or come here.�

�The best thing that could happen to Todd and to you is for me to get out of both your lives and stop hurting you. I know my own children are much better off without me in their lives and I certainly never did anything to make Lindsay�s life any better. They are all better off without me and you and Todd, if he ever comes back, will be too.�

Viki tightened her grip on Sam�s arm.

He pulled away forcibly. �You don�t have to lie to me anymore. You don�t have to protect my feelings. We both know that you really know the truth about me. You allowed your feelings to come out uncensored for once.�

�I didn�t mean that,� Viki said softly.

�Yes you did,� Sam said with a nod of his head. �And you were right.� With that Sam walked out the door.

�You both need to stay here,� Bill said. �I�ll go with him.� Bill rushed after Sam.

Viki looked into Susannah�s eyes. �He�s right. A part of me did mean what I said. Sam�s not the only one whose judgment is faulty. All of you tried to warn me that Sam was too ill to become Todd�s guardian. If I lose Todd it will be as much my fault as Sam�s.�

Susannah placed her arm around Viki�s shoulder. �Both of you love Todd with all your hearts. All either of you tried to do was help him. �Let�s go sit down.� Susannah gently guided Viki back to the living room sofa. Once they were settled, Susannah told Viki about the money in her bank account. She told her that Blair or Sam or both must have discovered it. �Viki, I hope you can understand that Sam thought he had a valid reason to fear for Todd�s safety under my care.�

Viki sat there, stunned. Susannah gave her some time to process what she had learned. Finally she spoke, �Do you think Blair planted that money in your account?� Viki jumped to the same conclusion as everyone else had.

�No. I really don�t. I do believe she is the one who found out about it and told Sam.�

�I don�t think Asa has anything to do with this. He has no use for Todd, but to do this� . . .� Viki�s voice trailed off.

�I don�t think Asa has anything to do with this either. I have a feeling he will be as shocked as I was when he finds out,� Susannah guessed.

Viki nodded. She sat quietly for another few minutes. Then she stood and walked toward the mantel. �Even with the discovery of this money, how could Sam think that you would ever harm Todd? How could he think that of you! There was a time when Sam trusted you as much as I did. I know he cared a great deal about you and respected you.�

�I know he did,� Susannah agreed. �You have to understand that Sam�s thinking is altered by his illness. He can no more help what he thinks than Todd can. Sam�s depression is worsening. He is not getting any help.�

�What should I have done? Called his children . . . get them to commit him?� Viki asked bitterly. �I could not force Sam to get help. Todd was a danger to himself and others. Sam . . . Sam . . .� Viki began to weep. �Sam was a danger to Todd, wasn�t he? Oh God,� Viki wailed. �It�s more my fault than Sam�s. I should have listened to you and everyone. I thought I could help Todd and Sam. I didn�t want Sam to end up in a hospital too. I didn�t want to be alone,� Viki confessed. �Now Todd is going to have to pay for my mistake. Again, he�s going to have to pay for my mistake.�

�What do you mean again?� Susannah walked to where Viki stood and asked gently.

Viki froze for a moment. She felt and looked confused. �I-I don�t know. I-I . . . oh what difference does anything make!� Viki�s confusion turned back to anger. �Todd is sick and he�s alone, with no one to help him.� Fear quickly replaced anger as Viki felt a gamut of emotions. �I�m so terrified for my brother. Oh, God, Susannah. I�m so scared for him.� Viki wept as Susannah took her in her arms.

***********

�How about we go to a restaurant or coffee shop instead and just talk?� Bill suggested when Sam parked in front of bar.

�You�re the one who jumped into my car with me,� Sam pointed out angrily. �I didn�t ask for company. I�m still not asking for it. How about you get the hell away from me and go back to Llanfair or wherever the hell you want to go.�

�Viki loves you Sam. She needs you to be there with her. I know you were hurt by the things she said, but . . .�

�But the truth hurts, doesn�t it?� Sam interrupted. �What Viki said was true and I knew it long before she said it.�

�What about Todd?� Bill tried.

�What about him?� Sam asked anxiously.

�What if he calls or goes to Llanfair. He needs you Sam. You�re the only father he has.�

Sam laughed in Bill�s face. �Isn�t Todd just the luckiest boy that ever lived? I mean what are the odds that he�d be born to Victor Lord, adopted by Peter Manning, and end up with me as his surrogate father? What the hell kind of world is this that would do that to a kid? Three strikes and you�re out. Maybe that�s what Todd figured? No matter what he does life is going to shit on him. So what�s the use?�

Mount Joy, New York

�No! Get away! Get away! Nooooo!� Todd cried out. He woke with a start.

After Todd had gone back into the house, intense fatigue had overwhelmed him. He fell asleep less than a minute after he had stretched out on the sofa. He�d been asleep for more than four hours when the nightmare woke him up.

Todd jumped off the sofa. His heart was pounding. He couldn�t catch his breath. He was drenched in perspiration. He could still feel his father�s knuckle in his Adam�s apple. He knew he was about to be taken to the kitchen for one of Peter�s favorite games, torturing him. �No!� Todd shouted. He looked around with wild, frantic eyes. Finally he got his bearings and began to realize where he was.

Todd tried to take a deep breath. All he could manage was a tight raspy one as huge sobs racked his body. �Mama, why? Why did you let him hurt me so bad? You knew. You knew what he was doing to me. You were there when he was taking me out of my bed and torturing me. You were there when he-he . . . when he did . . . those other things to me. You saw! You got the nerve run from him. How could you leave me there knowing what he was doing to me? How could you let Charles make you send me back to him? Even if your brain was all messed up from being scared and from booze, how could you leave me with him?�

Todd sat down again. He wept for several minutes. His chest felt tight and sore from the intensity of his sobs. It took him a while, but finally he was able to utilize some of the coping skills he had been taught. After he was able to take some deep breaths, he felt himself calming down. Todd wiped his tear stained face with his palms. He was thirsty, but the water had been shut off for the winter season. He checked the fridge. There were a few cans of soda. Todd took a ginger ale. The beverage felt good against his parched throat. He put it back after only a few sips. He knew he had to make it last for a while. Old feelings came flooding back. The soda belonged to Charles. During the six days Todd was at the summerhouse, he only took what was offered. He had hoped if Charles saw he didn�t eat or drink too much he would keep him.

�Dad,� Todd said aloud. �If I had been your real son would you still have hated me as much as you did, or did you hate me because of what I was? I tried to make you proud. I know you were proud of me when I played football. I know you were! I did that . . . something right . . . something to make you proud. What about Mama? Why did you hate her so much? Was it because she loved me? Did you treat her like that before I came to live with you or only afterward? Was it me Mama? Did you and Dad have a good life before you adopted me? Was I a curse to you?� Todd thought for a few minutes. �God, did you want me punished? Is that why I was given to Peter Manning? Was I born bad, and this was always my destiny? Is it because Victor Lord is my father? . . . no . . . no he�s Tina�s father too and she got to be raised by our mother and Viki.�

Todd paced as he desperately tried to make some sense out of his life. Like most abused children and the adults they become, he needed some reasons for what happened to him, even when there is no real reason other than the cycle of abuse that was passed down from Todd�s grandfather to Peter and possibly passed down from many generations.

�No, it was me. You hated everything about me Dad. You hated the way I looked and acted. You hated the sound of my voice. There was something about me that made you leave without me. Mama, if I was your real son or a different person would you have fought harder to keep me with you? Dad, I tried. I tired to be what I thought you wanted me to be. I treated people the way you did. I tried to hate what you hated and like what you liked . . . except Mama. I couldn�t ever hate Mama. Is that why you hated me even more after she left? Is that why you and the women you brought home used to laugh at me . . . because you thought I was still a mama�s boy and you made them think that too. You told all of them I was a stupid loser, didn�t you Dad? You made sure none of them liked me. Is that what happened? You couldn�t get Mama to hate me as much as you did, so you hated her even more and you hurt her and made me hurt her until she gave up and left?�

Todd�s thoughts were becoming more disorganized. His mind flitted back and forth. His head began to hurt. He rubbed his temples with the fingers of either hand. Todd had missed several doses of his medication by now. His body needed food and fluids, neither of which it was getting.

Todd sat in the wicker rocking chair near the fireplace. He remembered his mother holding him on her lap and rocking him in that chair after he�d have a nightmare. He remembered how much he loved the sweet smell of her. The perfume she wore, mixed with her body�s chemistry, was unique to her. Todd thought back to how frightened he was that Charles would punish him for making noise during the night when he had nightmares. Not once had Charles ever come out of the bedroom to see if he was all right.

�I guess whatever made Victor and my dad hate me, made you hate me too, right Charles?� Todd spoke aloud again. �Maybe it�s gonna make Sam and Frank and Dave and the others hate me. Sam won�t ever want me for a son. He never really did. He�d leave me every time and go home to his real son. Frank and the others at the hospital probably have their own kids that they go home to. They�ll all hate me, if they don�t already,� Todd said softly to himself. �Don�t matter . . . Sam�s never gonna see me again . . . no one�s gonna see me again. This was the place I thought could help me fix things and nothing�s changed . . . just a lot of memories that hurt. I�m tired . . . so tired . . . I don�t want it to hurt anymore. I thought I could feel your forgiveness here Mama. I thought I could find you in the last place I ever saw you. I . . .�

�This isn�t the last place we saw Mama.�

Todd gasped and jumped when he heard the boy�s weak, tortured voice. He turned around and saw a boy that looked very much the way he did at fourteen. Todd immediately understood the tremendous pain in the boy�s hazel eyes. He knew what pain like that felt like. It felt like death was the only way to put an end to it. He felt this boy�s intense desire to die and Jimmy felt the same desire emanating from Todd, only it was mixed with two emotions Jimmy never felt, fear of death and an almost equal desire to survive.

Todd began to tremble. He wanted Susannah, Viki and T�a. He wanted Susannah to help him make sense of all this. He wanted Viki to call him sweetheart and tell him everything was going to be okay. Most of all wanted T�a�s strength. He wanted to see her stand there the way she would, with her feet planted firmly and her shoulders back. It always amazed him how that stance made her tiny stature seem taller than his. When T�a stood that way and looked him straight in the eye, he knew he couldn�t get away with anything. He liked that. T�a saw him for exactly who and what he was and showed no fear. She made no attempt to run.

�I shouldn�t like that,� Todd chastised himself. �I should want her to run the way you did Mama.� A loud sob escaped from deep within Todd. �Please. Please! I�m afraid. I�m so afraid.�

�I am too,� the boy whispered. �Don�t touch me. Please don�t touch me.�

Todd saw the thin, pale boy begin to tremble as much as he. �I won�t touch you. I know how much it can hurt to be touched.�

Jimmy looked into Todd�s eyes. �It feels like my flesh is burning off.�

�And every nerve is raw and exposed,� Todd finished Jimmy�s thought.

Jimmy nodded. �Touch is bad. It hurts. The man touched me and made me throw up. He kept me from being with Mama.�

Todd�s heart raced. �I don�t want to hear anymore.�

�But this place . . . here . . . it�s not the last place you saw Mama. Mama wanted to see us again. She didn�t want to go to heaven without seeing us again.�

Todd suddenly remembered one of the letters his mother wrote to him, one of the letters his father had kept from him all those years. It was the letter that told Todd he was adopted. His mother�s written words were burned into Todd�s memory. Part of the letter came back to him verbatim. Todd whispered them aloud.

��Dearest Todd,

I send these letters out to you like little candles in the dark. Have you ever even seen them? I don�t know. And now my sweet son, perhaps I never will.

I went to the doctor�s office again today. They want to put me back into the hospital. I know what that means. It means I don�t have much time. I begged your father to let me see you once again. One last time is all I asked, but he said no.��

�Mama wanted to see us again more than anything,� Jimmy stated sadly. �And the man wouldn�t let her. Mama tried real hard because she loved us. She wanted to take us with her. We let the man hurt her. He pushed her and she fell and then she died. It�s my fault. I was the one there by then. I saw the man push her and I was too scared to help. I killed Mama. I killed her!� Jimmy�s knees buckled. He rested his head in his lap and began to weep.

Todd stood up. Yet, he could clearly see Jimmy still weeping on the floor. Todd staggered to a chair and held onto the back of it. He shook his head. �No. You�re lying. Mama never came to see me again. I would have remembered.�

Jimmy raised his head. �I�m not lying. You were there too, at the beginning. The man beat you real bad the night before. He kept you home from school so no one would see how bad you were hurt. Mama didn�t know we were home. She came to the house. She was all sick looking. Her hair was all funny, like a lot of it fell out. It wasn�t beautiful anymore. She was real skinny and pale and she could hardly stand, but she got to the house and she came to see us and the man wouldn�t let her.�

Suddenly Todd was back in the Chicago home he grew up in. He was caught in a flashback with no one there to try to talk him back. Todd saw himself in his room, hearing his mother�s voice. He wasn�t sure if it was real or one of the daydreams he�d have of her coming back for him. He felt himself sneaking out of his room and going to the top of the stairs . . . hiding so he�d be out of his father�s sight . . . listening to every word that transpired between his mother and father.

�Peter, please, I�m begging you.� Barbara looked into Peter�s cold blue eyes. �I�m dying. The doctors say it�s a matter of days. Let me see him one last time, just one last time. I know you never showed him the letters I wrote. If you had, he would have answered me. Please, Peter, don�t let him grow up thinking I forgot about him and that I didn�t care.�

�You filthy slut!� Peter spat out. �Do you think I don't know why you want to see him? You think I don't know what it is you want to tell him! Do you think that after taking care of that bastard all these years I'm going to let you take it all away from me?�

Tears slid down Barbara�s cheeks. �I won't do that Peter, I swear I won't. I just want to see him to say good-bye and to tell him I love him and that I'm sorry.�

Todd wanted to go to this mother and tell her that he�d protect her. He wanted to push his father away from her. Just as Todd finally managed to move his foot, he heard his father laugh. Todd was familiar with that terrifying laugh. It was the way Peter would sometimes laugh right before he hurt Todd or Barbara. Todd stood frozen to the spot. He continued to hear his father verbally assault his mother as if it were happening now.

�You're sorry! Oh, you're sorry. You're damn right you're sorry. You're the sorriest excuse for a woman I've ever seen. You always were. You were a sorry wife and a sorry mother. You turned him into a mama's boy. It took me years to get it out of him.�

Todd saw his mother look as if she were about to fall. Instead, she got down on her knees in front of Peter.

�Peter, please, I'm begging you, just one minute. Let me wait here for him. You can stay in the room. I don't have to see him alone. Please! Just one minute before I die. You can't hate me that much.�

Todd saw his father stare at his mother with that icy, frightening stare of his. He saw Peter grab Barbara by her coat and throw her out the door.

�NOOOOO! NOOOOO! MAMA! MAMA! I�M HERE!� Todd screamed in silence. As before, his terror kept him from screaming aloud. Todd saw his mother fall, just before his father shut the door in her face. �MAMA!� Todd screamed again. Todd fell to his knees, as Jimmy had. �Mama,� he cried quietly. �Oh, God, Mama. I didn�t help you. I didn�t help you. I let him hurt you. I let him kill you. Mama. Oh, Mama, I let him kill you. Oh God! I don�t want to remember. Make it stop! Please. Make it stop.�

�We let him kill Mama,� Jimmy cried from across the room. �Mama was so sick and we let him hurt her and she went away and died. Mama died. She died! She came back for us. She was going to take us with her. I want to be with Mama. I tried and the man stopped me.�

Todd saw himself going into his father�s bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet, taking out his father�s sleeping pills and swallowing a handful of them. He saw his father come into the bathroom. He felt Peter�s hands on him as he grabbed him and shook him and screamed, �What did you do! You fucking little bastard! What the hell did you do?� Todd felt Peter pulling him over to the toilet and forcing his head down until he could feel the cold porcelain against his face. He felt tremendous pain as Peter�s fingers dug into his cheeks and as Peter forced Todd�s mouth open. He felt Peter shove his fingers down his throat, forcing him to vomit.

Jimmy and Todd were lost in the flashback they were both experiencing. Both of them began to retch when they felt Peter�s fingers down their throats. When it was finally over, their chests, throats and stomachs hurt from the violent force with which they vomited.

Todd pulled himself to a corner of the room and pressed his body into the wall. �Mama. Oh, Mama, you did come back for me. You did love me. You came to take me with you and I let him hurt you.�

�I want to die. Please, I want to be with Mama,� Jimmy cried. �Everything here hurts so much. It will stop hurting if I�m with Mama.�

Todd looked at Jimmy. He felt every emotion that Jimmy was feeling, including an intense desire to be with his mother, even if that meant dying. �I have to make it up to her. She died believing I didn�t think she loved me. I was important enough to her that she used her last bit of strength to try to see me and I let him hurt her. I let him push her and make her fall and it killed her.� Todd looked up again. Jimmy was gone. �No! Please. I�m so frightened. Don�t leave me alone. Mama. Mama, you shouldn�t have tried to see me. Maybe you wouldn�t have died if I stopped him from hurting you. Oh, God. I didn�t deserve your love. I don�t deserve anyone�s love. Everyone who cares about me will die. Mama, I want to be with you. Please! Mama, help me find my way to you. I�m afraid. I don�t know if I can do it. Help me. HELP ME! I hate me. I hate me. I don�t want to be here. Mama, I want to be with you. Mom! I want my mom! I want my Mama! Please! I HATE ME! I HATE ME!� Todd shouted. He pounded his head into the wall several times, the last time hard enough to cause him to lose consciousness.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

Blair had been trying to keep herself occupied by working on a story for tomorrow�s edition of the Sun. It was little use. Her mind kept drifting back to Todd. Blair was so lost in thought that she didn�t hear the key turn the lock or the front door open.

�Mommy.�

Blair jumped when she heard her child�s voice. �Starr! What are you doing here? Where�s Auntie Dorian? Did she bring you here?�

�No,� Starr told the truth. �I sneaked out. Auntie Dorian and Uncle Mel think I�m sleeping.�

Blair felt a huge lump in her throat. �Sweetie, you know you�re not supposed to be here now. And you know you are not supposed to sneak away from us and go off on your own.�

Starr hung her head. �I know. But something�s going on and no one will tell me what. Uncle Mel tried to keep me out all day and he and Auntie Dorian were whispering when they thought I couldn�t see them. You didn�t call me all day. Mommy, is Daddy in his room? Can I see him?�

Tears formed in Blair�s eyes. The one person in this world she never wanted to lie to was Starr. �No, baby, you can�t see Daddy right now.�

Starr�s young heart began to race. She knew her mother well enough to know when something was very wrong. �Did something happen to Daddy? Did he get sicker again?�

Blair swallowed hard. �Come sit down with me.� Blair placed her hand on Starr�s back and led her to the couch.

�Mommy. I�m a big girl. You tell me. Is Daddy worse sick again?�

�No . . . I mean I don�t think your daddy is any worse. Starr . . .� Blair couldn�t find the words.

Starr�s eyes were wide and filled with fear. �Something happened to Daddy and you�re keeping it from me because you think I�m a baby. I�m going upstairs to see Daddy!� Starr stood up.

Blair held onto Starr�s arm.

�Let go!� Starr tried to pull away. �I won�t bother or upset Daddy. I just want to see him and let him know how much I love him.�

�Starr. Daddy isn�t upstairs,� Blair blurted out.

Starr became even more frightened. Now her eyes filled with tears. �Did Daddy have to go back to the hospital?�

Blair bit her upper lip to keep from crying. �No. Daddy�s not back in the hospital. Daddy went out . . . he . . .�

�Tell me!� Starr insisted.

�Starr, Daddy ran away. We don�t know where he is.�

The color drained from Starr�s little face. In a fear filled voice she asked, �Daddy ran away? He ran away without seeing me or finding out if I wanted to go with him?�

Blair sighed deeply. �Sweetie, your daddy loves you much too much to take you with him. He wants you to be safe and . . .�

�Daddy�s not safe where he is?� Starr pressed.

�Baby, we�re not sure why Daddy left or where he went.�

�You were supposed to be watching him,� Starr accused, �you and Sam. You said you were going to take good care of Daddy. I said I wanted to be here to take care of Daddy and you said no. You treated me like a baby! I would have taken good care of Daddy. I wouldn�t have let him run away without me.� Starr turned on her heels and started to head for the door.

Blair grabbed her by the arm. �Where are you going?�

�I�m going to find Daddy! You and Sam were supposed to take good care of him and you didn�t! I�m going to find him and I�ll take good care of him. I�ll make him all better!�

Blair held onto her daughter tightly. �Starr, I can�t let you go out there on your own. It�s nighttime. The police are looking for Daddy. Everyone is looking for him.�

Starr tried to pull away. �No! Daddy is smarter than everyone and he hates the police. None of them will be able to find him. Daddy won�t come to them. If he hears it�s me, he�ll come out if he�s hiding. Daddy loves me. He loves me more than anything.�

�Yes, sweetie, Daddy loves you more than anything. Starr, Daddy can be anywhere by now. You would have no idea where to look for him. Even if you did, you cannot go out by yourself. Now I�m going to call Auntie Dorian and have her come here and take you back to her house and . . .�

�NO!� Starr shouted. �I WON�T GO! I�M GOING TO FIND DADDY AND YOU CAN�T STOP ME!�

�Yes I can, Starr Manning. You are not leaving this house until Dorian comes here to get you!� Blair softened her tone. �Baby, please. Daddy would never want you out there alone at night.�

�Then you come with me. We can look for Daddy together. Maybe we can call Tee and have her look with us, and Aunt Viki?�

�T�a and Aunt Viki have to stay where they are in case Daddy tries to contact them and I have to stay here for the same reason,� Blair explained.

�Maybe Daddy just went to work. Lots of time he goes to work at night.� Starr headed for phone. �I�m going to call Daddy�s office.�

Blair took the phone out of Starr�s hand. �Daddy�s not at the paper. We tried that already.�

�Well, maybe he�s around the building? Let me look around the building. I promise I won�t go out into the street. Maybe Daddy went out and his eyes got bad again and he couldn�t find his way back?�

�Sweetie,� Blair began gently. �Daddy�s been gone for two days already.�

Starr�s blue eyes filled with shock. �Two days.� The shock was replaced with anger. �And you didn�t tell me!�

�I didn�t want to frighten you. We hoped someone would have found Daddy by now, or he would have come home on his own.�

�You didn�t tell me because you think I�m a baby. I�ll bet everyone knows except me and maybe I was the only one who could have found Daddy.�

�No, you wouldn�t have been able to find him. Daddy took my car. Starr. He doesn�t want to be found . . . uh . . . not right away. He doesn�t want to be found right away and . . .�

Suddenly a look of horror came over Starr�s face. �You�re lying to me.�

�No. Starr I�m not. Daddy�s not here. He went off somewhere . . . maybe to think or to . . .�

�No! Daddy got real sick again or he died! Daddy�s upstairs real sick, isn�t he? Or he died and you�re not telling me.�

Blair pulled Starr into a hug. �No. Oh my God, Starr, no. Daddy didn�t die. I would never keep something like that from you. I swear to you. Daddy just left for a while. He . . .�

Starr pulled away. �DADDY! DADDY!� she yelled as she ran up the stairs. �Daddy, it�s me. I came to see you. Mommy and Auntie Dorian and Uncle Mel tried to keep me away from you. I�m here now. I came to take care of you. Daddy?� Starr said softly as she opened the door to Todd�s bedroom. �Daddy, please be here.� Starr saw the bed was empty. She rushed to the bathroom and opened the door. �Daddy?�

Blair came up behind her. �Baby. Daddy isn�t here. Oh Starr, I�m sorry. Daddy isn�t here. I don�t know where he is. I�m telling you the truth.�

Starr faced Blair. There was fury in her large innocent eyes. �I hate you! You were supposed to take care of Daddy. You made me go to Auntie Dorian�s. If you hadn�t of made me do that I would have been here to make sure Daddy was okay. You�re mad and jealous because Daddy loves Tee. I�m not a baby. I know that. You never liked Tee and now you made Daddy go away!�

Blair was horrified, most of all because it was obvious that Starr had understood for quite some time that she was angry and jealous that Todd loved T�a. Blair could not believe how much Starr kept things to herself, just like Todd.

�Starr, I would never deliberately do anything to hurt your daddy or make him go away.�

�Yes you would! Before Daddy got sick you were always taking me away from him and Tee. You always took me to Auntie Dorian�s when you were staying there. Daddy and Tee took me on a long car ride and we were going to have an adventure and then instead Daddy took me back to Auntie Dorian�s to be with you! Right after that, Daddy got sick and got put in the hospital. Sometimes you�d make me go places with you and that creepy Max. I hate you! Daddy ran away because of you! You stopped me from taking good care of him and you let him run away. I hate you! I hate you!�

�Baby, no. Please. I love your daddy and I love you,� Blair tried.

Starr pulled away. �No! Leave me alone. I hate you. If Daddy never comes back, it will be your fault!� Starr ran to her room and threw herself on the bed. She pulled away when Blair placed her hand on her back. �Go away! I wish it was you who ran away and not Daddy!� Starr cried out. She buried her face in her pillow and wept.

Oh God! Has my little girl turned against me too, Blair thought to herself.

***********

�Look! I gave you my car keys. Just leave me the hell alone!� Sam protested. His speech was slurred.

�No can do Sam,� Bill stated calmly. �I care very much about you and Viki. I�m not about to add to her pain by allowing something to happen to you.�

Sam tried his best to ignore Bill as they sat at a back table at the bar and Sam had ordered drink after drink. After a few hours Sam had thrown his car keys on the table. It hadn�t helped. Bill still followed him when he left the bar. Sam headed for the park. He wanted to sit on a bench and feel the cool spring air on his face.

�If you really care about Viki you�ll go back to Llanfair and tell her to never have anything to do with me again,� Sam said through clenched teeth.

�Now why would I want to hurt Viki that way?� Bill asked. �She loves you. Sometimes people turn on each other when they are very upset. Come on Sam. You know that.�

�Sometimes people have a right to turn on someone. Viki trusted me with someone that was most precious to her. What if it were one of your kids Bill? How would you feel? Would you have ever trusted me with one of your kids?�

�When I first met you, yeah, I would have.�

Sam was shocked. Bill�s honesty threw him, even though he had been asking for it. �But you wouldn�t have trusted me now?�

�Sam, I know it�s hard to admit, even to yourself, but man, you have problems. I think you know it. Your judgment is off. That doesn�t mean you love Todd and Viki any less or that they love you any less. It doesn�t mean the rest of us care any less about you. It means you need help.�

Sam�s eyes filled with anger. He stood up. �Just because you�re involved with a shrink doesn�t make you one! Why don�t you take your caring and stick it up your ass. I don�t need you making excuses for me. Viki and Todd should hate me. I�ve failed both of them, just the way I�ve failed people all my life. Ask my ex or my kids. Ask Todd. Ask him how it felt to have his good friend Sam . . . his big protector . . . the man he wanted to be his dad . . . turn his back on him day after day. Ask him what it felt like to watch me go home to my kids while I sent him back into that house to be tortured. Ask Viki what it will feel like to lose another child if Todd kills himself!� Sam stopped talking. He stood very still. He burst into tears.

Bill caught Sam just as Sam�s legs gave out. He lowered him to the bench.

�That�s what he�s going to do,� Sam cried out. �You and everyone else know it. My boy . . . the child I love more than anything . . . more than my own life . . . he�s gone off to kill himself and I helped him. Oh, God. I let him. I wouldn�t listen. All I cared about was me . . . just like with Lindsay and my kids . . . my life . . . my career . . . my old feelings for Nora . . . I never gave our marriage a chance . . . I married this totally despicable woman because I couldn�t have Nora, and for what! I don�t even want Nora now. How many times did I disappoint Todd using my own kids as an excuse and how many times did I disappoint them using Todd to do it . . . or my career . . . everyone . . . I let them all down . . . Viki . . . I love her . . . Bill I love her so much.�

Bill placed his hand on Sam�s shoulder. �I know you do. So does she.�

�No, my love is never enough. It�s always diluted by my ego. I cared more about Todd loving me and forgiving me than I did about his safety or about Viki. I needed to make everything up to him. I needed to make up for the great Sam Rappaport, with his great infallible judgment, allowing that innocent and vulnerable child to go back to an evil monster day in and day out. There I was, on the cover of magazines . . . being written about in journals . . . Sam Rappaport . . . protector of the innocent or of those who only claimed to be innocent . . . rushing to fight injustice wherever I saw it . . . rushing to help strangers while abandoning a child I loved like my own to the greatest injustice of all . . . being tortured and abused every moment of his life! Even now, it was for me . . . for my ego . . . that this happened. I needed Todd to allow me to be the dad to him that I should have been. I needed that poor, sick boy to make me feel better. I wanted to believe everything Blair said. I wanted her to be right. I wanted to believe that Todd wanted me to be his dad and that he wanted to live with me. I wanted it so much that I refused to see what all of you could see . . . Saber. Todd�s going to pay for my mistake again, and so will Viki.�

�Do you want Viki to feel the kind of guilt you�re feeling?� Bill asked.

�What! No. She has nothing to feel guilty over.�

�If she loses you because of what she said to you, she will feel guilty. Sam. Viki was upset. Maybe she meant what she said, maybe she didn�t. Go home. Give her a chance to talk to you. Get some help. Let Viki see that there is some hope. At least don�t leave her when she needs you the most.�

Sam sat quietly staring into space for a few minutes. �I need to drink some coffee. I don�t want Viki to see me like this.�

Bill placed his hand on Sam�s arm. �Come on. We�ll go to a diner. I could use a cup of strong coffee myself.�

Sam nodded and allowed Bill to help him up.

************

130 PART 3

�Try to eat a little more,� Carlotta encouraged T�a. �You need to keep up your strength if you intend to be there for Todd.�

T�a nodded. She took another few bites of the late dinner she finally agreed to. T�a had to force down the last mouthful she took as a sob choked her.

Carlotta inched her chair over to T�a�s and took the young woman she loved like a daughter into her arms. �I know how much you�re suffering.�

�I can�t stand this. I just wait here. I need to do something.�

�There is nothing you can do,� Carlotta reasoned.

�What if one of the children came out? What if Timmy is out? He�ll be so frightened. He won�t understand. He�ll think we all abandoned him.�

�Mija, you need to stop torturing yourself. We have to pray that Todd or one of those adult alters that take care of Todd and the others comes out. That is just as possible as one of the babies coming out, isn�t it?�

T�a wiped her eyes with the fingers of both hands. �Yes, I suppose it is.�

�The good news is that you haven�t heard from any police departments yet,� Carlotta pointed out. �If Todd was in some kind of trouble or something happened to him, most likely Bo would have been contacted.�

T�a hugged Carlotta. �I�d never be able to get through this without you.�

Carlotta hugged the slight young woman back. �You�ll never have to. Mija, you have so many people who love you. You�ll never have to be alone.�

T�a insisted on Carlotta sitting in the easy chair with her feet up while she cleared the table and did the dishes.

As T�a stood over the sink, tears began to fall again. They mingled with the hot soapy water. �Todd, please hear me wherever you are. Don�t leave me. I love you and I need you. Come back to me mi corazon. Let me help you. Todd I know you�re still alive. I know it. Hear me. Help me to find you. I know you want the same things that I do. Don�t take the life we can have away. Help me to find you Todd. Help me!�

Todd slowly opened his eyes. More pain. This time his head was throbbing. He rubbed it and felt a large bump on his forehead. He looked around. For a moment he was filled with confusion. Then he remembered. He remembered everything that had occurred at the summerhouse. �God, why did I wake up? Why couldn�t you just let me die?� Slowly Todd pulled himself off the floor. He felt dizzy and unsteady on his feet. He remembered the way he would be able to lean on Frank and some of the other hospital staff when he felt that way. He wished they were there. �I�m such a coward. My dad was right about me. Everything he said is true. I want to die so much and still I�m afraid to do it.�

Todd looked around. As always, he was in a continual tug of war with himself. Not only did he want to die and survive at the same time, he also wished he knew how to make some of those kids that run around in his head come back. At the same time he was terrified that they would. Todd closed his eyes and tried to go inside his head. He couldn�t. �Papa, please let me in. I want to be with you forever. Please come get me and keep me with you always.� Nothing. Todd felt abandoned, even by his beloved papa.

Inside, tears streamed down Goodone�s cheeks. More than anything he wanted to give Todd exactly what he was pleading for. He knew he could not.

Todd picked up the picture of his mother again. �Mama, I remember now. I remember that you came to see me. That boy helped me to remember. I was too afraid to help you. Did you die hating me? Did you die thinking I was a coward?� Todd drew in a sharp breath and a sob escaped. �Did you die thinking I didn�t love you?�

Todd clutched his mother�s picture to his heart as he paced. �What were you going to tell me that day? Were you going to tell me I was adopted? Is that why Dad was so afraid for you to see me? Did he think he was going to lose his meal ticket?� Todd asked bitterly. �Did you really come to tell me that you loved me or that you hated me for being a disgusting loser? You knew you were dying Mama. So you didn�t come to take me with you.�

Todd�s chin trembled as more tears trickled down his cheeks. �You were in pain. I remember now. You looked so sick and like you were in so much pain. It must have been so hard for you to come there. You were so brave to face Dad that way. In the end you were brave for me and I wasn�t brave for you.�

Todd�s head was throbbing. He was nauseous and dizzy. He sat on the sofa. He looked around the room again. In his mind�s eye he saw himself there with his mother.

�What did you think when I showed up here Mama? You acted like you were so happy to see me. You hugged me and hugged me. You had a big smile on your face.� Todd thought back to that moment. �But your eyes were scared. I remember that now. You were scared that I disobeyed Dad. Were things ever right between you and Dad? You married him. You must have thought he was okay once. Was it me? Did he become the way he was because of me? Did he ever want me or were you the only one who did? Did you and my birth mom ever talk about me? Did she ever call and ask you how I was doing? Did dad hate us both because of me?�

Todd rubbed his temples in the hopes of making the pain stop. �Mama, you knew I was the reason your life was so miserable, didn�t you? You knew I was the reason you got hurt. You were drunk when it happened, but you knew what I did to you, didn�t you? God! You must have hated me for finding you here. You were probably so happy and relieved that you finally got rid of me and got a new life with someone. You must have hated me so much for finding you and almost ruining what you had. Mama, I�m sorry. I�m so sorry. I won�t do that to Viki and Delgado and Doctor Hanen. I won�t put them in the position of having to send me away. Mama, can you ever forgive me? I�m sorry I hurt you. I�m sorry I feel so angry with you when I remembered some things. I don�t hate you Mama. I swear I don�t. I swear. I want to be with you. All my life I�ve wanted to be with you. Look at everything I�ve done and all the people I�ve hurt. How can I expect you to want to be with me? Can you Mama, can you forgive me?�

Todd�s heart ached. He wanted to turn off his mind. He wanted the thoughts to stop. They didn�t.

�Mama, what�s heaven like? Can you hear me? Do you know how sorry I am? Do you know how much I miss you? I know Dad can�t hurt you any more because he must be in hell. Are you okay again Mama? Are all the bruises healed? Are you healthy again? Are you young and pretty again? You used to tell me about going to school dances and the good time you would have with your friends. Are you happy again now Mama? Is that what�s it like after we die? Do we get to be happy? Are you with Grandpa Tom and your mom? You missed Grandpa Tom so much after he died. Do we get to be with the ones we loved after we die? Is Grandpa Tom strong again, like he was when he carried me on his shoulders? Does all the hurt go away after we die? Do we get healed and become whole again? Mama, I know Charles is still alive. So if I came to see you now, just for a while, I wouldn�t be messing anything up for you . . . just for a while Mama. Please. I just want to see you one more time. I know I�m going to go to hell, but maybe God will let me see you just one more time. I�m sorry I was so bad that I can�t stay in heaven with you. It isn�t that I don�t want to. I was just so bad that I can�t ever be forgiven. I�m willing to go to hell forever, if I can just see you first, just one more time. I know you can�t forgive me. If you could love me enough to want me and forgive me than maybe everyone could and it would be all right. I don�t deserve that, so I know it won�t happen. Mama, I know that. I just wanna tell you that I�m sorry and that I love you. Mama, I just want you to hold me one more time. I just want to put my head in your lap while you rub my back one more time. Please Mama. Is it all right? Can I come to see you?�

Todd stared at his mother�s face, frozen in time, forever youthful. �You took a chance and came to see me one more time. I have to be as brave as you.� Todd thought about how he wanted to do it. With the picture of him sitting on his mother�s lap clutched tightly to his chest, he went into the bathroom. There were razor blades in the medicine cabinet. Todd thought about Charles coming to the house and finding blood all over the place. He placed them back on the shelf. There was a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Tylenol on the shelf. He wasn�t sure if either of them would do the trick. Todd thought about going down to the river and jumping in. He feared that he would chicken out and swim again, the way he did when he jumped in after he was shot. �I wish I had that gun with me now,� Todd mumbled to himself. �I wish I had some sleeping pills or poison or something that would just make me go to sleep and never wake up.�

Todd squeezed his eyes shut in despair. �The oven!� he suddenly remembered. He went to the kitchen to see if the gas was still turned on. It was. �That would be like going to sleep. It won�t hurt.� Todd went back to fridge and took another few sips of soda to ease his parched throat. As he was about to turn the oven on, he stopped and checked his pocket. He pulled out the letters he had written to T�a and Viki. He unfolded them, placed them on the kitchen table, and rested the salt and peppershakers on them to keep them in place. He wanted to make sure they would be found along with him.

Todd sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the oven. He opened it, turned it on, and blew out the small flame he saw. Todd looked at the picture again. �I thought this was the last place I ever saw you Mama. I thought I�d find some way to fix things when I came here. They just got worse. I don�t want to remember anymore. It hurts too much. I can�t stand it. Every time I come back now I remember more stuff. I can�t stop thinking about it. Doctor Hanen says that�s good. It�s not! I feel like my flesh is burning off and my brain is going to explode. Sometimes I can�t tell what�s real and what�s not. I feel confused most of the time and I can�t tell if it�s now or back then. Sometimes it feels like Dad is still alive and still doing things to me. I hurt all the time. My stomach always has this King Kong size knot in it. Every time I come back I know something terrible is going to happen. It�s just a matter of when. I think the waiting for it is the worst. It�s like when I waited for Dad to decide what kind of discipline he was going to use on me or what kind of game we were going to play. I knew the pain was coming. I just didn�t know when or what it would be this time.�

Todd lovingly brushed his fingers over his mother�s picture. �I failed you and disappointed you worse than I thought. I found out I�m a bigger coward and more of a loser than I thought. You didn�t send me away without ever trying to say goodbye to me. Did you want me to know that you really did love me, Mama? Is that why you faced Dad, knowing how he would probably treat you? I don�t think you would have used your last bit of strength just to tell me that I was a disappointment to you too. Dad did that. He came to see me just to tell me that he was going to disown me. Then he came to tell me how much he hated me. He signed a petition to help Marty send me back to prison. Mama, you didn�t die hating me, did you? You won�t be disappointed to see me in heaven if I can get there just for a little while, will you?�

Todd shuddered. A tear slid down his cheek. �I�m scared. Mama, I�m so scared. I�m scared about never seeing Shorty or Delgado again and forever being without them. I�m scared to be dead. What�s it like to be dead? What if there is really nothing. Thinking about being nothing is scarier than thinking about being in hell sometimes.� Todd shrugged. �If there is nothing, at least I won�t hurt anymore.� The more Todd thought about it, the more intense fear filled his being. He started to reach out to shut off the oven.

�Please,� he heard Jimmy�s voice. It was much weaker than it had been. He sounded far away. �Please don�t stop. Please. It hurts so much. Make it stop hurting for us.�

Todd nodded. �No matter what it�s like, it can�t hurt more than being alive, can it?�

Todd sat back. His head was quiet once more. There were no voices. There was no sound of children crying . . . no threats or loving words by adults.

Todd shook his head. �All those years Mama . . . all those years . . . I thought you never loved me enough or cared enough to say goodbye. You did care. So how could you do it? How could you leave me behind when you knew what he was doing to me? How could you send me back when you knew what I would be facing?�

�Because you needed to be punished.�

Todd�s heart pounded at the sound of Bitsy�s voice.

�And you still do?� she added.

Todd hung his head. �I know. I know I did evil, horrible and disgusting things to my Mama and to other women.�

�You don�t want to continue to treat women like that. I know this,� Bitsy said softly.

�I don�t. I swear I don�t. I�d rather die than do to Delgado what I did to my mom, Carol and Marty. I�d rather die than hurt Shorty in any way or Viki. What if I�m . . .� Todd�s voice trailed off.

�If you�re like your fathers,� Bitsy finished his question for him.

Todd nodded.

�There is a difference. They did not feel they were wrong or deserved to be punished for what they did. You are willing to accept punishment. You repent. You seek redemption.

Am I right?�

Tears trickled down Todd�s cheeks. �Yes,� he answered with his head still hung. His eyes were cast downward.

�I�ll help you,� Bitsy assured him. �You need to make sure you never hurt another woman that way again.�

�I�ll do anything. Tell me what to do,� Todd pleaded.

�Think. What can you do that would be fit punishment and assure that you can never hurt anyone like that again? You don�t have to die. There is another way.�

Immediately Todd understood. He knew what he had to do. Todd shut off the oven. He took the biggest and sharpest knife he could find out of the draw. He looked up. He was able to see Bitsy. Her resemblance to his mother caused him to look away. He couldn�t face her. �I need to go to the bathtub. I don�t want Charles to find a mess.�

�Todd. I do care about you. You know that I�m trying to help you find the salvation you desire.�

�I know,� Todd mumbled. �I�m scared,� he whispered.

�You won�t be alone. I won�t leave you. When it�s over, you will be purified. It will be safe for you to be around T�a. I know how much you love her. I can feel it.�

�But . . .� Todd didn�t know how to say what he was thinking. �It�s not just being scared . . . I mean Delgado . . . she� . . . she wants . . . you know . . . a normal life . . . she wants kids . . . if I . . . I mean . . . if I do it, I know I�ll never hurt her that way, but . . . I�ll never . . . we�ll never be able to . . . she�ll have to leave me anyway . . . can�t expect her to spend her life with some kind of freak . . . some man who is not a man at all anymore.�

�You need to face your punishment,� Bitsy gently reminded Todd. �It is that part of you that is evil. It is what sometimes felt good when your father touched you with his own evil hands and mouth. It is that part of you that reacted when he forced you to touch yourself and when you chose to do it in school. It almost cost you and the others your life. You remember that now. I know you do Todd. I know you remember the pain of that knife going thorough Andy�s chest. It is the part you rubbed on your mother as she lay passed out. It was the part you urinated on her with.�

�He made me,� Todd cried out. �He said he would kill both of us if I didn�t do it. He made the little boy and me do it.�

�Yes, he did, and I have no doubt that he is burning in hell for it. But it was you. It was your body that he used. There was something evil within you that caused him to use you that way. It was that part of your body Todd. That is the part you hurt Carol. It is what you used to hurt Marty. Don�t you see that this is fit punishment?�

�I-I know. I-I� Memories of some therapy sessions came back to Todd. For the first time since she came out, Todd looked Bitsy in the eye. �It wasn�t my fault that it felt good sometimes when Dad did things to me. There are nerve endings or something and everyone feels something when they�re touched there, even if they don�t want to. I didn�t want him to do those things to me or make me do things to him. I swear I didn�t. I hated it when he came into my room. You knew and Mama knew what he was doing to me. You knew Mama. You knew! You also knew that over and over again he came into my room and lifted me out of bed and I couldn�t breathe. You knew he would torture me! He would play his sadistic games like the rice game with me. He�d play the lighter game or the stove game with me and burn me. He�d beat me. Then he�d rub salt into the welts and burns. He�d make me stand in the bathroom all night or just stand for hours and hours until I confessed to something I didn�t do. He wouldn�t even let me lean against the wall. If I started to feel sick or tired and I leaned against something, he�d beat me all over again. I never knew what he wanted because the rules kept changing. You heard him tell me I was stupid and a loser and garbage and not worth anything. You heard him tell me no one could ever love me and that even Santa and God hated me. You heard him call me a clumsy bastard and a fag and an ugly moron and . . . and . . . so many . . .�

Todd was gasping as his pent up rage and intense sadness spewed from him.

�So many other things Mama . . . so many things that make me hate myself and believe everyone else hates me too. I don�t wanna believe that and I try not to. I can�t help it. Whenever someone tells me something good about me or tells me that they love me, I wanna believe it so bad. But I keep hearing that voice saying, �They�re only pretending because they don�t think you�re man enough to handle the truth,� or �they want something from you� or �people don�t have to the guts to tell you what they really think of you.� Now I feel like a fool if I believe anything good anyone says about me. You were there. You heard all the things he said to me from as far back as I can remember. I remember still being in my crib when he started to say those things to me and when he started to hurt me. He did so many things to me before you left. You were there when he hurt Randy. I remember so much of it now Mama. I don�t want to remember. I don�t try to remember. They say I need to remember to get well. I�ll never get well or be whole because I�m too damaged. I�m too crazy and because it hurts too much to remember. I want to make the memories stop! Ever since I was fourteen, people have called me a psycho and . . .�

Todd laughed a sick sounding laugh. �They were right. Asa . . . all of them . . . they were right Mama. I�m so crazy that I lose all this time. I don�t know what�s going on or if I�m coming or going most of the time. My wife, the woman I love, comes to see me and I don�t even remember it a lot of the time. They say I have these people running around in my head because of the things Dad did to me and because you left me. I don�t want them in my head! I�m scared. I never know what they�ll do or who they�ll hurt. I never know if everyone is making fun of me and laughing at me.�

Todd clutched the knife tightly in his hand. He prayed for the strength to use it to end it all instead of just punishing himself with it. Tears slid down his cheeks.

�I�m such a coward. I always was and I always will be. Oh, Mama. I know you tried to get him to stop hurting me. I know he beat you and belittled and terrorized you and-and- he-he raped you and he made me do things to you. I know you hate me for not keeping him from hurting you and for the disgusting things I did. I heard you Mama. I know you thought I was a disgusting pervert. I didn�t want to do those things. I DIDN�T! You were passed out. You were passed out then and when he did so many other things to me. You always told me to do what Daddy said. You told me not to fight him, or argue with him, or talk back. You said I should pretend to be somewhere else when he played with me. My God! You did. I remember it now. You called it playing with me. PLAYING WITH ME! Did it make it easier for you if you thought about what he did that way? Did it make it easier for you to walk out on me and then send me back to him? Why did you do that Mama? I know you hurt and you couldn�t take it anymore. You drank to get away and left me, even before you left. I couldn�t take it either. I wanted to get away too. Maybe if you hadn�t of drunk so much so much you would have been able to protect me and yourself. You were my mom. You were supposed to protect me and those other kids. If you left you were supposed to take us with you. I know he threatened to put you in jail. I know he even threatened to kill you. But you were the mom! Moms are supposed to take care of their kids. You said you loved me. I remember what that boy . . . that Thomas . . . remembers. You would let me lie down with you when Dad wasn�t home. You told me you would take me away . . . take us both away . . . you said you loved me. You said you were proud of me and you thought I was smart. I believed you. I believed you Mama! Then when you left I thought it was all a lie, and when you sent me away from here after six days I knew it was all a lie. I never believed anyone could love me after that. I believed that Dad was right. No matter how much I want to feel love now, I can�t! I CAN�T! How could you do that to me? Even if I wasn�t your flesh and blood kid . . . how could you do that to me? Before I knew C.J. and Sarah were my nephew and niece I loved them and I never would have let anyone hurt them. Delgado almost died keeping a man from hurting my little girl. A kid doesn�t have to be your flesh and blood to make you love it and want to protect it and die trying to save it, if you have to.�

Todd dropped the knife he was holding and picked up the picture of his mother and him again.

�I know now that you tried to see me one last time. I know that bastard who called himself my dad stopped you. Mama, what were you going to tell me? Were you going to tell me about Victor and Irene? Was there a chance I could have gone to live with Viki from the time I was fourteen? Or, did you hate me for what I did to you and what kind of kid I was? Did you come to tell me that you hated me?�

Todd stared at the images in his hand. His focus was on the smiles both he and Barbara wore.

�Was it all a lie Mama? Was it as empty as these smiles? Did you know you were going to send me away when this picture was taken? Did you know you were going to send me back to be tortured? I think I knew then that you weren�t going to keep me. I knew Charles didn�t want me. I pushed it out of my mind. I wanted to have a good time with you. I think I knew there would never be another good time. Do you know how terrified I was when you told me you were sending me back? Do you know the kind of fear I felt when I woke up at the airport and knew I had to get on that plane? Dad didn�t know where we were. Charles wouldn�t have hurt you. You could have taken me away from here, from this cabin. You chose to stay with Charles. You chose to stay safe and you sent me back to Dad! How could you do that! I�d die a hundred times over before I�d ever do that to Starr.�

Todd began to pace furiously.

�Do you know what happened to all that terror and everything else I felt growing up? It became rage. It became a rage so strong and so blinding that it made me do horrible things . . . things that I wasn�t forced to do. It was my brain . . . my mind . . . that�s what made me hurt Carol and Marty. I learned that it�s a person�s mind that makes them rape, not their cock. The rapes had nothing do with sex. They happened because of my rage and need for power and control. Marty made me feel like she took those things away from me, just like you and Dad did. You and Dad had all the control and power over what happened to me. It wasn�t just Dad. It was you too Mama. You had the power and control to take me away or just walk out on me. You had the power and control to keep me here or send me back. You had it! I had nothing. I had to do whatever you and Dad wanted me to! Do you know what that did to me? It made me want power and control more than anything! That�s what the rapes were all about. Marty was just like you! She acted like she wanted me and then she treated me like a piece of meat. She made me think she cared and then showed me I wasn�t special at all to her. She put me down the way Dad did and didn�t care about me . . . the way I thought you didn�t care . . . I wanted to hurt her. She made me think if I�d let myself care about her that maybe she could care about me. Then she took it all away. She treated me like dirt. She called me stupid. It filled me with so much rage that I took all the power and the control and I raped her! That was my choice of getting even with her . . . rape. That�s what your little boy became Mama! A rapist! A monster! There�s never enough punishment for a rapist. But I have been punished Mama. I�ve been punished all my life. I�m not blaming you and Dad for making me do what I did once I was grown. It was my choice. But look what I became! Look what I turned into! I don�t want to be this way and I don�t know how to make it stop. I don�t just feel fear and anger like other people. I feel terror and rage! Most of the time those feelings are stronger than anything else I feel. The rage becomes so strong that I want to hurt people. When I want revenge on someone I can�t make myself stop until I hurt them. I get these thoughts in my head and they don�t go away until someone ends up hurt or dead because of me! What if I ever get that way with Delgado or Shorty? I don�t want to be this way. I want it to stop! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOP!� Todd screamed.

Todd�s began pacing wildly. He trembled as decades of pent up fury burst forth.

�I HATE DAD. I HATE HIM! I HATE YOU TOO MAMA! OH GOD, SOMETIMES I HATE YOU TOO. SO MUCH OF WHAT I DID WAS BECAUSE OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE THINGS YOU DID AND DIDN�T DO! I CAME HERE TO FIND A WAY FOR YOU TO FORGIVE ME. I DON�T KNOW IF I FORGIVE YOU!�

Todd gasped. �Oh, Mama. Mama, I didn�t mean it. I�m sorry. Mama, I�m so sorry. I don�t hate you. I never hated you. Oh God! Oh God! I hate me! I hate me so much.� Todd�s heart raced from the panic he felt. �I want to hurt myself. I�m scared. I want Doctor Hanen. I want Frank and everyone else. They keep me safe. Please! I�m scared. I want to hurt myself so much!� Todd savagely clawed at his face and neck with his fingernails. Blood began to trickle from his forehead, cheeks, nose and neck. Todd sank to his knees. Blood from the deep scratches on his forehead dripped into his eyes, making it difficult for him to see. Todd began to crawl and feel the floor as he moved. �Where is it? WHERE IS IT! Where�s the knife?� Todd cried out.

�Stop.�

Todd heard a gentle voice. He knew it was Bitsy. He had never heard her tone sound so tender.

�I heard your words Todd.�

�I�m sorry,� Todd immediately apologized. Tears poured down his face and mingled with the blood. �I don�t hate my Mama. I don�t hate you. I hate me. I hate me!�

�No, I don�t want you to hate yourself anymore. I don�t want you to be sorry for what you said.�

Todd didn�t understand. He looked up. He saw Bitsy had Andy by the hand. �Please don�t hurt him. I�m the one who should be punished. He�s just a little boy. Don�t hurt him or make him want to hurt himself. You can hurt me. I won�t stop you. I deserve it.�

�Shhhh,� Bitsy said softly. �I�m not going to hurt Andy. No one will hurt him and he will not hurt himself.�

Todd saw Ritchie follow Bitsy and Andy. He started at the young man he saw. �I remember you. I heard you talk about what Dad did to you and I heard you say you hated Mama for not finding a way to stop him or take us away with her.�

�No, we don�t hate Mama,� Andy spoke up. �We hate what Mama did. Remember? Doctor Hanen says it�s okay to hate what Mama and Daddy did. It doesn�t mean we hate them. It�s okay to be real mad. We don�t want to hurt us. We�re mad at them. They were supposed to be good to us. They were supposed to love us and tect us.�

Todd listened to the wise words that came from this small boy�s mouth.

�We didn�t hurt Mama,� Ritchie spoke up. He too remembered his sessions well. �The man used us to hurt her. He used our bodies. He hurt Mama and us at the same time. I feel it all now and I hate what he did. I hate that she drank, passed out and made it possible for him to do that. She knew. He would make sure that she knew what he did to us and made us do to her. She knew what happened sometimes when she passed out and she drank so much anyway.�

Todd nodded as more tears fell. �I remember it. Oh, God, I remember what you just said. Please, please help me. Don�t make me remember anymore. Please!�

�I need to speak with Todd alone,� Bitsy gently told Ritchie and Andy. �You boys need to go back inside.�

Ritchie took Andy�s hand.

Suddenly, Todd could no longer see them. �No!� he called out after them.

�It�s all right. They�ll be safe and so will you,� Bitsy assured him. �You don�t need them right now. Todd, it�s important to remember. Doctor Hanen, the staff from your unit and your family are right,� Bitsy said softly. �I didn�t want to remember either. Then I heard what you and the others said. Todd, you found what you came here to find. You found forgiveness for yourself. You set out to help yourself and you did. Think about what you learned since you came here. Realize how it all makes sense with what you learned from your sessions and from those who love you. Mama loved you. She tried to see you when she knew she had little time left. She understood you were forced to hurt her. She knew you had no choice. You figured it out Todd. When you were a child, the choices were all hers and Peter�s. She didn�t protect you, not because she didn�t love you. It was because she didn�t know how. She believed she had no choice, when in fact she did. Now you believe you have no choice. You believe you will hurt those you love. You believe your pain will never end. You believe you are not lovable . . . that there is something wrong with you that keeps people from loving you enough to stay with you forever. You believe sooner or later they will leave.�

Todd wiped the blood and tears from his eyes with the back of his hands and his palms. He looked into Bitsy�s eyes and nodded in agreement.

�It�s not true Todd. These children and the others you met love you. I feel tremendous love for you right now. Mama loved you. She loved you with all her heart. She was weak. She paid for that weakness for the rest of her life. You know you were always on her mind because she used her last bit of strength to try to see you.�

�I didn�t let her know I was there. I just stood there and watched while he said horrible things to her and threw her out of the house and made her fall,� Todd said with self-loathing.

�Do you believe you could have stopped Peter? You were already in tremendous pain from the beating he had given you the night before. Do you think you could have physically stopped him from throwing her out?� Bitsy questioned.

�I-I don�t know. Maybe.�

�No. Todd, you would not have been able to stop him. No one could stop Peter. Only death was finally able to stop him. If there had been a confrontation, Mama might have died right then and there. And where was Charles? Why didn�t he come to protect her? Either Mama could not trust him enough to tell him she was going to try to see you or he was not brave enough to help her. He was an adult. You were a child. I realize that now. I�ve heard what all of you had to say since you�ve arrived here. I�ve heard and felt your thoughts. I am the embodiment of the guilt, terror, sadness, love and rage you have felt for everything connected to Mama. I felt you longing for her love and not being able to truly believe or feel anyone�s love because of the way she allowed you to get hurt and then left you. The need you felt to be punished in connection with Mama was intensified in me. Being here, remembering along with all of you, putting the pieces together with what you learned in therapy and in talks with those who love you, especially the young woman you love, has made me realize and believe that you don�t deserve to be punished. You do deserve to be loved. Now you have to believe it Todd. You have to forgive yourself and believe that it is safe to love those you love and safe to be loved. T�a is not weak like Mama. T�a will not run from your dark side. She does need you to let her in. She needs that Todd. She needs you to tear down the walls and let her in. Do that and she will never leave you. It is safe to trust in her love and allow yourself to feel it. Viki and Sam will never leave you either. They are stronger than Mama too. So is your daughter. Todd, for a tiny one, your child is a tower of strength. There is nothing to fear. Even when the day comes that Starr learns about your past, she will love you.�

Todd wept into his hands. He was as close to believing and feeling love as he had been since the day is mother left. He felt Bitsy stroke his head.

�You needn�t fear Saber. He has lost. He will not hurt you or anyone you love. You have my word on that. He knows that you�ve done what you came here to do Todd. He knows you are stronger than he is. He knows you are stronger than either of your fathers. You are helping yourself. You are going to allow others to help you, so that you never become like either man. You are able to feel rage and know that you can still feel love for those who have caused that rage to fester in you. You are beginning to understand what that built up rage and terror did to you and is doing to you as an adult. You are on your way to true understanding that what happened when you were a child was not your fault. You are on the way to finding the forgiveness and redemption you�ve been looking for all your life. You are on your way to being able to trust, and feel that you deserve love. There is nothing more you can do here. Go back. Go back to those who love you. I�m sure they are very worried about you. Let them know you are all right. Don�t walk out of their life the way Mama walked out of yours. You know the kind of pain that causes. Go back and let them help you get all the way there.� Bitsy kissed the top of Todd�s head. �Go back Todd. Let those who love you, love you. It�s safe. Trust in their love. I promise you it is safe.� With those words, Bitsy was gone.

�NOOOOO!� Todd screamed. �Don�t leave me,� he cried out quietly. �Please. I need you. Don�t leave me. I�m scared.�

�You don�t need us right now Todd.�

Todd immediately recognized the voice. �Papa. Papa, let me in. I do. I need you and I need Bitsy. Please, don�t leave me alone.�

�You�re not alone Todd,� Bitsy said. �You have a family that loves you. You will never be alone again.�

�It is okay my son,� Goodone soothed. �You will always have my love and Carol�s and Miss Perkins�. We will always be here for you, always. Now Bitsy will be here for you too. We are not what you need right now. You need your family and they need you. They all love you and need you back in their lives. Your wife and child need you the most.�

�I love them. I love them all so much,� Todd admitted. �I want to feel their love. Most of all I want . . . I want to feel Delgado�s love. When she says it, I want to know what it�s like to really feel it. It�s like she�s here with me anyway. Her love scares me. She doesn�t bury what I am under some kind of fairy tale view of me. She sees the monster in me and somehow she can love me, monster and all. I never felt I deserved that kind of love or any kind of love. I still don�t, but maybe� . . . just maybe . . .� Todd shrugged. �Maybe I feel that a little less than I did before. At least I want to try to really understand why I don�t feel I deserve it and why I run from it and why it was always so much less scary and easier to be with someone like Blair.�

�You will figure it out. You have so many people to help you. You are not alone any more Todd,� Bitsy called out.

They were both gone. Now Todd could not see them or hear them. Yet, he was not as frightened as he had been.

Todd pulled himself off the floor. He felt weak and dizzy when he stood. His head ached. He felt odd. Todd started to head for the phone when he noticed that same strange metallic taste in his mouth. �Oh God,� Todd cried out. This time he knew what was coming, but there was no time for him to get into the safe position he had been taught to get into. Todd fell to the floor as another seizure tore through his brain.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

�Yes,� T�a said into the phone. �Please ask Commissioner Buchanan to come to my hotel room as soon as you hear from him.�

Carlotta took the picture T�a drew and stared at it. �If Bo doesn�t recognize this room, perhaps Viki will.�

�I�m hoping someone will,� T�a stated. �I�m afraid to leave here in case Todd should show up. I don�t want to ask Sam, Doctor Hanen or Commissioner Jackson to leave Llanfair, should Todd go there. That�s why I thought of Bo. He can come here, get the picture and show it around.�

�Mija, come sit down. You�ve either been on that phone or pacing for nearly three days now.�

T�a sat next to Carlotta on the sofa. She looked at the picture in Carlotta�s hand. T�a�s drawing skills were not strong, yet one could clearly get a good idea what the room in the picture looked like. She checked it once again. The wood trimmed wicker sofa and chairs, the thin white curtains covering the glass on the front door, the rugs, the quilt on the bench, the table, the chairs, and black floor lamp near the window were close to what T�a saw in the recurring dream she had been having all this time.

Todd woke up coughing and choking. His head ached terribly. He tasted vomit in his mouth. He had been out for more than two hours. It was difficult for Todd to get a good breath. He felt very weak, tired, cold, dazed and confused. For a moment, he had no idea where he was. Slowly the room came into focus. He looked around and remembered. He remembered everything that had transpired since he arrived at the summerhouse, including the last thing he was about to do when the seizure hit. Todd�s shivering increased. He tried to stand and fell back to a sitting position. He tried again. He couldn�t do it. His extreme weakness terrified him. Todd set his stare on the phone. Despite feeling confused and disoriented, he was totally focused on it. More than anything, he wanted to get to that phone. He needed to hear that voice. Todd crawled toward the phone. He was forced to stop twice, by coughing spasms that made him feel as if his chest would explode. Finally, he made it. The phone was within his reach.

Llanview, Pennsylvania

T�a looked over at Carlotta. She saw the woman she loved like a mother had fallen asleep on the sofa. T�a went into the bedroom for a blanket. She covered Carlotta with it and went back to the desk to do some more work on the picture of the room she saw in her dream. T�a wished she were as good an artist as some of Todd�s alters. She had been working on the picture for twenty minutes when her cell phone rang.

T�a�s heart pounded. She nearly dropped the phone in her rush to answer it.

T�a�s voice trembled as she said, �Hello.�

�Hey, Delgado.�

�Todd! Thank God. Oh, querido, I�ve been so frightened. Are you all right?�

�Yeah, I�m . . .� Todd didn�t get to finish his sentence as another coughing spasm gripped his body.

T�a tried to stay calm. �Todd, you don�t sound all right. Please, tell me . . .�

�That�s what I called for Delgado. I called to tell you . . . to tell you . . .� Todd was having trouble organizing his thoughts. �I didn�t leave because I don�t love you. Delgado. I want you to know that. It�s not like with your mom or mine. We never knew. We thought they didn�t love us enough to stick around. I don�t ever want you to think I don�t love you enough. I figured out a lot of stuff. I wanna tell you . . . I can�t remember . . . I wanna tell you. You were here. You were here Delgado. I saw you . . . no I only thought I saw you . . . or were you here?�

T�a was terrified by Todd�s disorientation. He wasn�t making sense. He kept drifting from one thing to the next. �Todd,� T�a spoke firmly. She tried to keep her tone even and calm. �You need to tell me where� . . .�

�I did see you Delgado,� Todd cut her off. �You were trying to help me. You�ve always tried to help me . . . I pushed you away . . . don�t wanna do that anymore . . . I don�t . . . She understands . . . She understands and forgives me . . . She was here too . . . no . . . not her . . . Bitsy . . . she helped me . . . She loved me . . . Mama . . . she loved me . . . She didn�t run because she stopped loving me . . . Maybe I can be loved . . . Delgado . . . Delgado, you said you won�t run . . . You see what I am and still you won�t run. I�m tired, T�a . . . so tired . . . so tired of running . . . don�t want that anymore . . . I won�t run from you either . . . maybe I can . . . you think I can? . . . I wanna feel it. I wanna feel your love. I think I can. I really think I can now.� Todd started to cough violently again. At the same time, he was shivering. He didn�t realize that he had a fever.

T�a desperately tried to keep herself from panicking. Todd sounded sick and as far as T�a knew, Bitsy was a dangerous alter. �Todd, tell me where you are. Tell me and I�ll come and get you,� T�a pleaded.

�I was with you. I thought this was going to be the end of the road again. Then they were here, and she was here, and you were here. You were outside. You called to me. You reached out to me. Are you near here now Delgado? Did you take a bus too?�

�A bus?� T�a tried to get him to tell her where he was. �You took a bus? To where? Where did you take the bus to Todd?�

Todd laughed. �Yeah, this time I took a bus . . . no money left . . . nobody would rent me a car this time either. It was cold . . . so cold . . . far walk . . . but I got here . . . everything�s okay now . . . it�s okay to be angry at her . . . don�t mean I don�t love her . . . Don�t mean . . .� Another coughing spasm hit Todd.

T�a remembered Todd using that exact phrase, �nobody would rent me a car.� In her panic, she couldn�t remember in what context he used it.

�Todd. Listen to me. I love you. We all love you and miss you so much. Please. Tell me where you are. Give me an address and I will come and get you. If you want them to, Viki, Doctor Hanen and Sam can come too. Please, Todd, tell me wh . . . Todd! TODD!� T�a screamed when the line went dead. �Oh my God,� she cried out. �TODD! TODD!� She pressed �star 69.� Unfortunately, Charles Heath had �caller ID� blocked on his phone. T�a was not able to see the last number that called.

�Was that Todd on the phone?� Bo asked. T�a had not heard the knock on the door or Carlotta letting Bo into her suite.

�Yes! Bo, thank God you�re here. Todd called me. He sounds like he�s sick. He kept coughing. We got disconnected. I can�t get his number. The phone he�s using must be blocked. Something happened to him. I know it. Oh, God, Bo. I know it. I feel it.�

T�a had no way of knowing that Todd had another seizure as he was talking to her. When he fell with the phone clutched in his hands, the phone wire pulled out of the phone jack on the wall.

�T�a, calm down. We know Todd is alive. That�s something and . . .�

�Bo, you have to trace the call. Call the department. They can do it.�

�We�d need a subpoena. I�ll get the ball rolling. It�s a holiday weekend. It might take a while.�

�You�re the police commissioner,� Carlotta stated. �Surely you can get it done quickly.�

�I�ll try to get it as quickly as I can,� Bo promised.

�No! There�s no time for that. I have to remember. I have to find Todd. He used a phrase that he used once before in connection with . . . with . . . Ay dios mio! . . . With the summerhouse his stepfather had. He ran away to it when he was ten.�

�Yes!� Bo exclaimed. �Damn! Why didn�t any of us think of looking there? He ran to that house once before when he thought he had nothing left to lose. Rebecca Lewis, the girl he took hostage there, said he called it, �The end of the road.� Powell and I found him there.�

�Oh, God, he just said the same thing . . . about thinking it was the end of the road. Then you were there? You were at the summerhouse?� T�a asked in a trembling voice.

�Yes. It�s in Mount Joy New York.�

T�a grabbed the picture she was working on and thrust it into Bo�s hand. �Did the inside of the house look anything like this?�

Bo�s eyes widened. �Yes! This is the front room of the summerhouse. Did Todd ever take you there?�

T�a�s eyes filled with tears. They slowly made their way down her cheeks. �No. I�ve never been there. I�ve been having these nightmares for weeks now. They almost always take place in this room. I find Todd there and . . . and . . . oh God . . . he�s dying. I hold him in my arms and he . . .� T�a broke down sobbing.

�Shhhh,� Carlotta soothed. �You were just talking to him. Mija, I don�t believe it�s too late. You�ll get to him. You�ll get to him on time.�

Bo took out his cell phone and dialed.

Carlotta held T�a�s hand as they listened to Bo�s end of the conversation.

�It�s under Manning, Todd . . . yes, January 1994 . . . I need the exact address of where we apprehended Manning and I need it ASAP.�

�I�m going there,� T�a declared. �We can call Viki, Sam and Doctor Hanen on the way. We can pick them up or they can take their own car.�

�Slow down. Take a deep breath.� Bo instructed. �As soon as I get the exact address I�ll send the Mount Joy police to the summerhouse. If Todd is in trouble, they can send for EMS. I remember the house is on River Road. I don�t remember the number. If Heath doesn�t still own it, they might have trouble finding it without an exact address. Calm down. We�ll get Todd some help right . . . yeah . . . got it . . . Fourteen River Road . . . Thanks.� Bo hung up and dialed again. He called information for Mount Joy. �Thanks,� Bo said to the officer he was speaking with. �Listen, Todd is mentally ill. He has Dissociative Identity Disorder . . . Multiple Personalities . . . yeah, like Sybil . . . some of his alters are little kids. All of them, including Todd, frighten easily . . . yeah, cops most of all . . . you tell them they have to take it nice and slow . . . don�t spook him . . . he could be . . . if he seems violent, pull back and wait for us to get there.�

T�a grabbed Bo�s arm. �What do they want to do, shoot him?�

Bo rubbed T�a�s shoulder. �Take it easy. No one is shooting Todd. They�ll back off if there is any trouble.� Talking into the phone again, Bo said, �Station a car at the front and back of the house and if you can spare it, the side windows. Todd might try to run if he becomes frightened . . . I know we don�t know if he�s there for sure . . . I also know you�re short staffed because of the holiday . . . look, do this as a personal favor for a fellow officer . . . This kid has suffered terribly his entire life. If he is there, it�s not because he ran to escape justice. He ran because he�s mentally ill and very frightened. His wife and the rest of his family are scared out of their minds for him . . . thanks. I appreciate it. His family and I will take a helicopter. We should be there in about ninety minutes. Okay . . . please, be as gentle as you would with a little kid . . . okay . . . thanks.� Bo hung up the phone.

T�a�s breathing was erratic. She was terrified.

�T�a.� Bo spoke gently. �Honey, I know you�re really scared for Todd. I need you to calm down. If Todd is there, you don�t want him to see you this upset. Asa has a helicopter. I�m going to call him and ask him to tell his pilot to get it ready.�

�I�ll go with you,� Carlotta volunteered.

�No, you don�t have to. You can hardly walk. I�ll be all right,� T�a assured.

�If Viki, Sam and Susannah want to go along, there won�t be enough room anyway,� Bo told Carlotta. He turned to T�a. �You ready?�

T�a hugged Carlotta. �Thank you for everything.�

�I�ll pray for Todd and for all of you,� Carlotta whispered in T�a�s ear.

T�a nodded. She and Bo rushed out the door.

Slowly, Todd began to wake up. He tried to get his bearings. This time he could not. He had no idea where he was. He felt hot and sticky. At the same time, he was shivering. �Delgado,� Todd called out weakly. The one thing he was sure of was that he�d just heard T�a�s voice. �Delgado, where are you? I�m scared.� Todd looked around again. He realized he was at the summerhouse. �Mama? Mama, are you here? I thought it was Delgado. I . . . I don�t feel good. I�m sorry. Don�t tell Charles I�m sick. He won�t keep me if he thinks I�m any trouble.�

Todd heard the sound of someone banging loudly on a door. He tried to sit up. He fell on his side. �Dad, found me,� Todd whispered as terror filled his being. �Don�t send me back. Mama, please don�t send me back. I�ll do anything. I�ll be good. I�ll stay in the woods until I�m better. I won�t be any trouble. Please don�t make me go back to Dad.�

�Todd Manning,� a male voice called out. �It�s the police. Open up. No one is going to hurt you. We just want to find out if you�re all right.�

Todd used his last bit of strength to drag himself to a closet near the fireplace. He opened the door and pulled himself inside and behind some clothes and household articles. He buried his face in a comforter when another coughing spasm began. It was enough to muffle the sound. Todd heard someone banging on the back door. He heard his name being called out again. Intense fear caused his heart to pound. Todd�s mind raced. They�re gonna take me back to him. Dad is powerful. He even got to the police here. �Mama, help me. Don�t let them take me. Stop them Mama. Please help me. Delgado,� Todd whispered into the comforter. �You�re strong. You always save me and fix everything. You won�t let them take me back to him. You�ll stop them.� Todd suddenly remembered some of what he learned. However, he was still confusing the past and present. �It�s safe to love you Delgado. It�s safe to trust in you loving me. You�ll let me stay here. You�ll give me the chance to tell you that. You won�t send me back to my dad.�

�Between the back, front and side windows, we were able to see everywhere,� one of the officers from the sheriff�s department said to the other. If he was here, he�s gone now.�

The other officer took a deep breath though his nose and let it out through his mouth. �I don�t know. Sheriff Parker said he was mentally ill. Maybe we should break in and check the bathroom?�

�We do that and we�re gonna have to notify Heath and spend the rest of the day filling out papers,� the first officer pointed out.

The second officer shook his head. �What if he hurt himself or passed out. I think we should go in.�

The first officer looked around the property. �Let me see if there�s a bathroom window �round the side.� He left his partner at the back door. He came back in a few minutes. �There was a window. I was able to open it and pull the curtain aside. The bathroom�s empty. If this guy was here, he�s long gone. There�s no sign of anyone being here.�

The second office sighed. �Yeah, I guess you�re right. We can�t just wait here. He can be anywhere. If he was here, he could come back soon, in hours from now, or not at all.�

�I�m gonna call it in and tell them the house is clean. There�s no sign of Manning.�

They walked back to their car.

***********

Todd huddled in the closet for more than an hour after he heard their car door close and heard them drive away. He wanted to be sure it wasn�t a trick. Finally he crawled out. He was drenched in perspiration. He felt very sick. He tried to stand. He could not. He made his way over to the sofa. He tried to pull himself up by holding onto the back of it. Todd only had one thought in his mind. He had to get to T�a. He couldn�t remember what it was, but he knew he had something he desperately needed to tell her. �Delgado,� Todd called out weakly, before he passed out.

************

�I don�t care what the police said. I know Todd is here. I know it!� T�a insisted. She did not tell Viki about her dream or discuss it with Susannah in front of Viki. She didn�t want to add to Viki�s fear.

�I agree with T�a. We have to check out the summerhouse. Todd might have found a way to run when he heard the police announce themselves,� Viki wiped away another tear and stated. Now Viki wished that she had not told Sam to stay in Llanview. She told him she wanted someone there in case Todd came home on his own. Sam was not fooled. He realized that Viki did not want him along. She did not want him near Todd, should he be found. He didn�t blame her, nor did he argue with her. He simply nodded and stayed behind, with Bill.

Kevin too stayed behind. Not only because he thought it was best to be with Jessica while Viki was away, but also because he was afraid his presence might upset Todd. Yes, he and Todd had worked some things out. However, they were far from sharing the loving relationship that Kevin shared with some of the alters. Nevertheless, Kevin�s heart was heavy with the fears of a father for a beloved child. He prayed that his Timmy and the other child alters he had grown to love were safe.

Bo pointed. �It�s right up this path.� Bo felt chills down his spine as the memories of his last encounter with Todd at this house came back to him. The sound of the gun going off as he and Todd fought came back to him, along with the look on Todd�s face after he�d been shot. Bo saw relief on that face. He�d never forgotten that, or the way Todd threw himself into the raging river. It was clear even then, Todd wanted to die.

T�a, Viki, and Susannah all felt a lump in the pit of their stomachs as they stood outside the door to the summerhouse. They all had the similar thoughts. This was it. This was the house that shaped so much of Todd�s life, when he was sent away from it.

�You women call out to him,� Bo suggested. �He might be afraid to answer if he hears my voice.�

�I think it best that T�a call his name,� Susannah told them. �She was the one he tried to contact. T�a said he sounded confused. We know, at least at that point, he remembered her.�

�Todd. Todd it�s T�a. It�s all right Todd. You�ll be safe. Let me in.�

There was no response.

�Todd, please. I know you don�t feel well and you�re probably afraid. I�ll keep you safe. Querido, I swear. I�ll help you and keep you safe. Haven�t I always?�

Other than the sound of the river, there was only eerie silence in response.

T�a turned to Bo. �He�s in there. Bo, he�s in there. We have to get into the house.�

Bo looked through the window. All he saw was an empty front room. He walked T�a to the back door while Viki and Susannah waited in front of the house.

T�a pounded on that door too. She called out to Todd again.

Nothing.

�I looked in the back window too. The room was empty,� Bo informed the women.

�Bo, break the door down,� T�a pleaded. �I feel it. I know Todd is inside. I�m not leaving until we�ve combed every inch of that house and the nearby property.�

�I agree with T�a,� Susannah spoke up. �He or one of the alters might be hiding under a bed.�

�Bo. I�ll take full responsibility,� Viki announced. �Break the door down.�

�Don�t worry. I am. I just want one of you to call out to Todd and let him know what we�re going to do. Tell him we�re not doing this to hurt him.�

Susannah called out, �Todd. It�s Doctor Hanen. I�m here with Viki, Bo and T�a. Honey, Bo is going to break the door down. We need to get inside the house to make sure you�re all right. You�re very safe. We�re not going to hurt you or send you back to your dad. I promise you Todd. You will never have to go back to your dad.�

Susannah gave Bo a �go ahead� nod.

Bo was able to break the lock on the door on his second try. T�a ran into the house the second the door flew open. She stopped in her tracks and stood still. This was it. This was the room in her dream. T�a began to tremble.

�Todd,� Viki called out. �Baby, it�s Viki. Please come to me. I love you so much. I�ve been so frightened for you. Please come out if you�re hiding. No one will hurt you.�

�It�s Doctor Hanen, Todd. You�re safe. We need to talk to you. If you don�t want to go back with us, you need to come out so we can discuss it.�

Viki was in tears. �Dear Lord, maybe he�s not here. If he�s not, then where is he? WHERE IS HE?�

�Madre de Dios,� T�a cried out. She grasped Susannah�s arm and pointed.

There, from behind the sofa, they saw a very still sneaker covered foot sticking out.

TO BE CONTINUED

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