PREVIOUSLY
Tears had slid down Téa’s cheeks on the drive from the
hospital back to the penthouse. Sadness had washed over her when she got to
Todd’s unit and saw it deserted. Téa had to get Larry Wolek’s permission before
the security guard would let her in. Memories of Todd and the staff filled
Téa’s mind. Memories of moments she shared with Todd . . . his breakthroughs .
. . memories of the alters . . . their amazing progress . . . Tom’s perfect day
playing Cinderella and skating . . . movies, meals and tender moments shared
with Rodd . . . Timmy . . . the twins . . . Adam’s first smile . . . playing
with the baby . . . lulling him to sleep . . . bonding with Pete . . . growing
closer to Viki . . . sessions with Susannah . . . learning more about herself
than she ever thought possible . . . all of it flashed though Téa’s mind. The
empty unit was haunting. Téa felt like all hope for her and for Todd had been
ripped away. “No!” Téa said aloud. “I’ll get Todd back to where he can get well
and get the life he wants and deserves. I’ll get all of us the life we deserve
and I won’t let Blair or anyone else take that away,” Téa vowed.
***********
“We’re a little behind schedule on his meds,” Sam
admitted.”
Téa walked closer to Sam. “It’s important that he take
them on time Sam. You know that.”
“I know. I-I-I-we ran behind. Things were a little
chaotic and . . .”
“You don’t have to apologize to her!” Blair spat out
angrily. “Téa! You have no business here.”
“No, Blair, Todd is still my business. I’m his wife.
Okay, look you won. You got Todd out of the hospital. Please, take him back
there now. If you ever loved Todd, do what’s best for him. You have to see that
this is not it.”
“Man, it must kill you to see that Todd and these
precious children are somewhere safe and they can’t be tortured anymore. What’s
the matter Téa? Are you afraid that Kevin will be turned off when he finds out
that you weren’t able to keep the Buchanan plan going!”
Téa shook her head. She knew there was no point in
talking to Blair right now. “Sam, please. You see this isn’t working out. Take
him back to the hospital before any real damage is done. If you don’t want to
take him back to his unit, take him to another hospital.”
“As if the Buchanan money can’t reach another doctor
at another hospital,” Blair spoke before Sam could respond. “We’re not that
naive Téa. Todd is where he belongs, his home! He’s with people who really love
him and are looking out for his best interest. Sam is finally getting the
chance to a good father. He’s getting the chance to make things up to Todd and
you want to take that away from him. You want to take that away from Todd. You
don’t want him to have the father he always wanted and needed because you want
him to stay dependant on you.”
“You are so twisted,” Téa said softly. She faced Sam.
“You know that’s not true.” Téa could see that Blair got to Sam again. “Sam, I
know you love Todd with all your heart. He will think of you as his father no
matter where he is. This isn’t the way. You need to do what’s right for Todd.”
Sam looked at Adam. Adam did seem content. Sam flashed
back to Adam’s last
“Todd and Adam and all of the alters are right where
they belong,” Sam said slowly. “They are in their home. They’re safe here. I’ll
make sure of it. I know you don’t think I can keep Todd safe because I never
did when he was a child and teenager. I’ll show you that you’re wrong. You
won’t be able to talk Viki into cutting me out of her life and Todd’s life.”
“What? Sam, I would never do that. Viki loves you.
Todd loves you. If they could speak for themselves, neither one of them would
want you to do this.”
“Todd did speak for himself,” Blair interjected. “He
wanted this. He told Sam he wanted this. You heard him with your own ears at
the hearing. Did he sound like someone who wanted to stay in hospital?”
“Newsflash Blair! That was Saber. For God’s sake!
Think about it. Do you really believe Todd would have been able to stay that
calm and together at the hearing? Do you think Todd would have been able to
hear all of us talking about him that way and just sit there without reacting?”
“It was Todd!” Sam said firmly. “I know that boy! It
was Todd,” Sam whispered the last statement.
***********
Blair hurried through the shower faster than she ever
had before. The moment she turned off the water she heard loud voices. Without
stopping to dry her hair or body, Blair threw on her robe and rushed to Todd’s
room.
“No! You’re a bad boy! No more yelling and crying!”
Dorothy admonished Timmy. She was slapping his thigh and his buttocks as he
cowered in the corner.
“Get away from him! What the fuck is wrong with you!
How dare you hit that child,” Blair cried out.
Blair placed her hands on either side of Timmy’s face
and lifted it. He stopped rocking. His body stiffened. His eyes stared blankly
ahead.
“Oh my God! What did you do to him!”
Blair accused.
Dorothy knelt down next to Timmy. She reached out for his
neck, so she could take his pulse.
“No! Don’t hurt Timmy! Don’t hurt Timmy,” Tom cried
out. He put his arms tightly around himself, thinking he was protecting Timmy.
The next thing Blair knew she was pushed over, onto
her side. Todd’s body leapt on Dorothy. He pushed her down to the floor.
“Don’t you even think about touching them again, you
fucking bitch! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”
Blair recognized Pete’s voice.
Pete clenched Dorothy’s top in his fists. “They’re
little kids! You piece of shit! You don’t hurt a kid!”
“NO!” Blair screamed when Clayton pounced on top of
Pete. He pulled him off Dorothy and wrestled him to the floor. “Don’t! Leave
him alone. He was just protecting Timmy and Tom. Get off of him! Stop!”
Clayton didn’t listen to Blair. He was doing what he
did best, his favorite part of the job. He was showing Pete who was boss.
Clayton pushed Pete face down on the floor. He sat on
him. He had his arms anchored in back of him. Pete’s face was pressed into the
carpet.
“Get off! Get off! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I
won’t let you do it to me! I won’t let you do it to any of us. I’ll kill you. I
swear this time I’ll kill you!” Pete threatened. The carpet muffled his voice.
“Not so tough now, are you motherfucker?” Clayton was
taunting. “Get a shot ready and stick him anywhere. Just get that shit into
him,” Clayton yelled to Dorothy.
“GET AWAY FROM
HIM! OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM!” Blair
yanked on Clayton’s arm.
“Mrs. Manning,” Dorothy said loudly. “He’s out of
control and needs to be contained. You gotta let me drug him.”
“LET GO OF HIM!” Blair screamed. She began to punch
and kick Clayton with all her might. “GET OUT!” Blair shrieked. “I’M CALLING
THE POLICE. I’LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT.”
“You’d better stay down,” Clayton warned Pete before
he let go of him and climbed off him.
Pete stayed still. His ribs were bruised and it was
difficult for him to take a full breath.
Blair knelt down next to Pete. “Oh God, I’m sorry.
I’ll never let them near you again. Are you all right?”
“Where’s Doctor Hanen?” Pete whispered.
“She’s not here. Please don’t be afraid. No one will
hurt you anymore.” Blair tried to brush the hair out of his face.
Pete pulled away from her touch. He managed to sit up.
He inched his way across the floor until he made contact with the wall. He
looked dazed and confused.
Blair stood up and looked daggers at the Dorothy and
Clayton. “Get out, both of you. You’re fired!” she said through clenched teeth.
“Mrs. Manning, we were only doing our job. Protecting
you,” Dorothy defended their actions.
“Your job was to protect Todd and the
alters, not abuse and traumatize them.”
“Someone needs to tell your aunt that,” Clayton
blurted out.
“What are you talking about?” Blair asked in a
trembling voice.
“Nothing,” Dorothy claimed. She knew that records were
falsified for Blair’s benefit and that she had Clayton had lied under oath at
the hearing. Things were getting out of hand. “If you want us to leave, we’ll
leave. I just hope you know that you’re in danger.” Dorothy pointed to Pete.
“He’s dangerous.”
“You let me worry about that!” Blair snapped. “Now you
get whatever you came with and you get the hell out of here or I swear, I will call the police.”
**********
“Todd,” Saber continued taunting, “be
a man. Do what’s right for those you claim to love.”
“I do love them,” Todd thought in a whisper.
“Then do what you need to do to stop your own pain and
theirs. I feel it Todd. I feel how much you’re hurting right now. It’s only
going to get worse. We had a plan. You know what you have to do. Now stop being
a pansy! Be a man! You know the way to get to Blair. Do it! Do it before the
chance is gone and everyone you love has to pay the price for your cowardness.”
Todd took some deep breaths. “I can’t. Oh God, I’m
scared.”
“Do you want to go on this way . . . all the therapy .
. . memories on top of memories coming back to you . . . taking a chance on
hurting those you love . . . making a fool out of yourself in front of them . .
. feeling all the pain that you feel? If you want this or really believe that
you can be forgiven and the pain will stop, tell me. If you truly believe Téa
and Starr will be safe around you, tell me that. Do you look forward to the day
Starr learns you’re a rapist? Do you want Viki and Sam to devote the rest of
their lives to taking care of you? Speak up now.” It was crucial to Saber that
Todd choose this. He wanted Todd to want to die. He
did not want to murder him. Saber needed for Todd to do it by his own hand. He
believed he could watch as Todd died. He needed to see it. “Tell me!” Saber
said loudly.
Todd winced in pain. His head hurt.
Todd thought
about how much he loved Téa and Starr. He thought of the life he dreamed of
with them. He thought about how much he loved Sam and Viki. He thought about
the deep affection and respect he had for Susannah and the staff at the
hospital. Then flashes of the dreams he had came back to him. Seeing pain in
Téa’s eyes, pain that he put there, came back to him.
Visions of imagined pain in Starr’s eyes . . . the pain a child feels when he
or she is completely disillusioned and disappointed with a parent haunted Todd.
Seeing disappointment and heartache in everyone’s eyes as he failed yet again
floated through Todd’s brain as if it were happening now. The thought of more
therapy and the agony of the memories that come back assaulted him. The pain
was too great.
“Yes,” Todd said to Saber through his thoughts.
“Yes what?” Saber wanted clarification.
“Yes, I want to die. It’s the only way. It’s the only
way to protect everyone and to stop the pain.”
Todd felt Saber push him toward Blair. “Go ahead. You
know how to get to Blair. You know what Blair thinks she has to give you.”
Todd stood frozen to the spot.
“Shit!” Saber swore. “All right.
I’ll help you. I’ll do it for you. All you have to do is not fight me when I
try to come out. Do you think you can do that you chicken shit faggot?”
Todd nodded. He took one more look at Starr’s picture.
He kissed her image and placed it back on the table. Todd’s eyes closed.
Saber smirked as he opened his eyes. He walked to the
sofa and sat down. He turned to Blair and patted the cushion next to him.
**********
Blair’s muscles tightened. It wasn’t like Todd to make
the first move. Throughout their sex life, Blair was always the one in control.
With Todd, she liked it that way. She assumed Todd did too. Blair remembered
hearing that it might have been an alter who made love
to her some of the times she was with Todd. “Todd?” she questioned.
“It’s me Blair. You’re afraid of me.” Saber acted
hurt. He tried his best to look meek. He realized he had to allow Blair to take
the lead and dominate if he were to get her to believe that he was Todd. “It’s
all right. I understand that I disgust you now.” He stood up.
Blair stood up too and held onto his hand. “No. Todd,
you don’t disgust me at all.” Blair stood up and looked into his eyes. “You
just got home and I don’t want to do anything to upset you.”
************
“I knew this part of you would come back to life as
soon as you were with me,” Blair purred. Blair tucked Todd’s hair behind his
ears. “It’s me, isn’t it baby? I’m the only one who makes you feel this way?”
“The only one,” Saber whispered. “Only
you Blair.”
**********
He glanced into Blair’s eyes and lowered his eyes
again. He was playing Todd to the hilt. “I’ve dreamed of being with you again
for so long. In my dreams you were always lying on the bed wearing that blue
silk thing.”
Blair smiled. She stroked his hair and held her hand
out. “Let’s go upstairs. You can watch me put it on.”
Saber held back. “Don’t be mad,” he whispered.
“Sweetie, I’m not mad. Oh Todd, don’t you know how
happy you’re making me?”
“No, I mean don’t be mad because I want you to do it
my way . . . the way we used to . . . the way I’ve dreamed about . . . me
waiting for you to change . . . then walking up those stairs . . . knocking on
the door . . . you telling me it’s okay to come in . . . you already in the bed
wearing that . . . you pulling me to you . . .”
“We can do that,” Blair purred. Her body was tingling
at the thought.
“I’ll give you ten minutes. You go upstairs and you
get ready. Is that okay?” Saber’s tone was properly docile.
Blair hugged him. She pressed her body into his and
kissed him deeply. “I’ll be ready in five.” Blair rushed up the stairs, happier
than she’d been in a very long time.
Saber wiped his mouth with the sleeve of the shirt he
was wearing. “You disgusting whore,” he spat out.
Saber found Blair’s purse where she always kept it. He
took whatever cash she had and her car keys. He took one last look at the
penthouse. “Finally! My day has come.” Saber quickly
left the apartment.
*******************************************************************************
Saber knew the building staff had probably been warned to notify Blair
or Sam if they saw him. He also knew there were security cameras in elevators
that serviced the tenants and the service elevator. Despite the long way down,
he took the stairs to the garage level. Saber’s legs ached and his breath was
short as he headed for Blair’s parking space. Within moments he was headed up
the ramp, to freedom.
**********
Blair checked herself in the
mirror one more time. “I knew I was the only one Todd ever wanted,” Blair said
aloud. She wore a satisfied grin on her face. Her body was already tingling
with excitement. To Blair, this was a way of getting revenge on Téa. Her
excitement increased as she thought about how she would find a way to make sure
Téa knew that Todd wanted to make love to her the moment they were alone.
Sexual energy charged through Blair’s body. She sat on the bed, her back
pressed against the headboard. Blair wondered if Téa would cry or show jealousy
and anger when she learned Todd could not wait to make love to her. Blair’s
eyes gleamed with anticipation. Revenge was always her greatest aphrodisiac.
Her smile widened. She ran her hands down her body. Her nipples were hard. Her
vagina was already wet. She was more than ready. Blair stretched out
seductively and waited for Todd.
“Sam!” Blair cried out in
shock when Sam burst into the bedroom. She scrambled to cover herself with the
quilt.
“Where’s Todd? I looked all
over. Where’s the staff?” Sam finally realized what he was seeing. “What the
hell are you doing? Where’s Todd?” he repeated frantically.
“Sam. I-I-I . . . what do you
mean where’s . . . he’s downstairs. He-he and I . . . I mean . . . Todd wanted
to . . . oh my God!” Blair jumped out of bed and raced out into the hallway.
She looked into every room on the second floor.
“I’ve already checked most of
the rooms.” Sam stated. He grabbed Blair by the shoulders. “What did you do!”
“I fired Dorothy and Clayton.
Todd and I were alone and . . . oh my God. Do you think he
. . . no . . . NO! . . . it was Todd! It was Todd! He
wanted . . . oh my God!” Blair burst into tears.
************
“NOOOO!” Téa woke up screaming.
Carlotta hobbled as quickly
as she could into the room where Téa was sleeping. Téa had stayed at Carlotta’s
because she didn’t want to be alone right now. “Mija, what is it?” Carlotta sat
on the bed and pulled Téa into a hug. “You’re trembling like a leaf.”
“Todd! I’ve got to get to
Todd!” Téa started to get out of the bed.
Carlotta held her back. “It’s
very early in the morning. Shhhh, mija. You don’t want
to go there this early. You told me Blair said she would try to get a
restraining order against you. Tell me what’s going on.”
Téa clung to Carlotta. It
took her a minute before she could speak. “It was that dream, the one I told
you about. I had it again. Todd died. He died in my arms. He was so sick,”
another sob escaped from Téa’s throat. “He was so sick and then he died. I
couldn’t save him. I was too late. Oh my God, what if that is what’s going to happen?
What if my dream is prophetic? What if I can’t do anything until it’s too late
to save him?”
“Maybe the dream is something
good. Maybe it is meant to give you a clue and help you save Todd.”
Téa shook her head. “I don’t
know. I don’t even know where this place is that I keep dreaming about. I don’t
know. Oh God! I don’t know.” Téa broke down again. She wept in terror as
Carlotta held her.
*********
Saber drove as fast as he
could, yet not so fast that he would be stopped for speeding. He didn’t stop
until he saw the skyline of
Saber walked west. He stopped
at a bodega to buy a bottle of Coke and a pack of Marlboros. When he got to
Saber caught his reflection
in a store window. He knew his hair made him easier to spot. He stopped into
the first hair stylist he passed. There were no other customers around at that
hour. “Cut it short,” he instructed.
“You sure?” the young female
stylist asked. She ran her hand down the length of his hair. She seductively
rubbed his arm and shoulder. “Looks really sexy this way.”
Saber looked at her coldly.
He took in her green and purple hair and punk style clothes. Saber grabbed her
arm, twisted it and pulled her toward him until her head was next to his.
“Ow!” she cried out. “Hey
man. You’re hurting me. Let go!”
“I came here to get my hair
cut, not to get fucked. You got that?”
The twenty-two year old saw
Saber’s eyes in the mirror. She had been living in the
Saber released her arm. He
pointed to some pictures of young men with trendy looks. “Don’t give me one of
these shit haircuts either. Just make it short. Do you think you can do that?”
he asked angrily.
She nodded. “Sure man.” Her
voice trembled. She just wanted him out of the shop. “I can cut it any way you
want. Just stay cool.”
The young stylist’s hands
were still shaking when she brushed the last of the hairs off Saber’s neck.
He looked at himself in the
mirror. Saber saw his own reflection, so he had no idea that short hair made
Todd look even younger than he did before. He could now easily pass for a boy
in his teens.
“My own mother wouldn’t know
me,” Saber commented. “Not that I would recognize that bitch either.” He
laughed at his own statement. He threw some money down on the counter. He
turned to the young woman again and smiled. “I don’t want to forget your tip.
Here it is. Maybe you could get someone to fuck you if you didn’t dress like
shit and act like a whore.” With that Saber left the shop.
The young stylist stared
after him until he was out the door and walking away from the shop. She quickly
turned the sign on the door around so it read closed and locked the door.
Saber went into a clothing
store. He bought a pair of jeans, a warm plaid shirt, and a denim jacket. He
threw the clothes he had been wearing in a trash can on the street corner. He
next stopped at a small restaurant and ordered bacon and eggs on a roll and a
cup of coffee. He knew he had to take care of business. First he wanted this
taste of freedom. He ignored his exhausted body. When he left the restaurant,
he walked south. Saber found himself on East Broadway. He decided to take the
subway into
Saber walked out of the train.
He was hit by the smell of sea air. From the signs in the subway, he knew he
was in
“Can we go there?” Saber
heard Rocky’s voice and saw him point to the Cyclone
rollercoaster.
“What? Who the hell asked you
to come along?” Saber said coldly.
Rocky’s face filled with
pain. “I thought you’d want me with you . . . just me, not those other stupid
losers.”
“Yeah, well, you thought
wrong. I’m not here to have fun. Get it! Look, you don’t wanna be around, okay.
Just go back inside. Go on!”
Rocky saw people eating in
front of a place called Nathan’s. “Can I just have a hot dog?”
Saber sighed impatiently. “All right! One hot dog and then you’re out of here.” Saber
looked Rocky in the eye. “I mean it!”
Rocky knew better than to be
defiant with Saber. “Okay,” he mumbled quietly.
“How come
we’re here and not in that hospital?”
Rocky asked as he munched on his hot dog.
“Because I got us out, that’s
why,” Saber grumbled.
“You’re the best!” Rocky’s face was filled with admiration. “Is my dad coming
here to pick me up or are you gonna take me to him?”
“You’re not gonna see your
dad. Not now, not ever! Get used to it.”
Rocky’s heart pounded. He did
everything in his power to keep from crying. He knew how Saber made fun of
those who cried. “I am too gonna see my dad. They wouldn’t let him come get me
at the hospital. But now he can come for me. Are we near my house?”
“No, you moron, we’re in
Rocky was frightened. “Isn’t
“Yes, it’s very far,” Saber
confirmed.
“Then how will my dad know
how to find me? Did you tell him we were here? Does he know to come here for
me?”
Saber’s head was beginning to
throb. His nerves were raw. He had no patience for this and he believed he had
no further use for Rocky. “Your dad is never coming for you! He’s never coming
for you because he’s dead!”
Rocky froze. He looked at
Saber disbelievingly.
“That’s right. You heard me.
He’s dead. Peter Manning has been dead for years. Todd killed him! He knew
Peter had a bad heart and he purposely aggravated him to death. He gave your
dad a heart attack. That’s what Todd did! He killed your father. So get used to
it. You’re an orphan. Your mother is dead and so is your father. You have no
one!”
“No,” Rocky whispered. “NOOOOOOO!”
he screamed and threw his hot dog on the ground.
Other people standing near
him, eating their meal, turned to look at what seemed to be a man arguing with
himself. Those closest moved away in fear.
“Fucking psychos are
everywhere,” one man muttered under his breath. He moved his hot dog and fries
to another table.
“Let’s take our food and go
to the boardwalk,” a mom said to her three children. She wanted to get them
away from this frightening young man.
“No! You’re lying to me! Why
are you lying to me, Saber? Did I do something bad? Did I make you mad at me?”
Rocky began to cry.
“You little
wimp. You loser.
Look at you, crying like a little girl. You disgust me. You’re just like the
others,” Saber accused.
“No I’m not! You like me. You
like me. I’m your favorite.”
Saber laughed. “You’re stupid
too if you believe that.”
Rocky’s heart was breaking.
“I don’t have to stay with you anymore. I’m gonna go find my dad.”
“Then you’d better go find an
ash pile because your dad was cremated years ago. That’s right, Rocky. He was
burned to a crisp. Nothing left but a pile of stinking ashes.”
“No! You’re lying! DAD! DAD!
DAD I’M HERE! DAD! COME GET ME! WHERE ARE YOU? DAAAAAD!”
Saber needed to rest inside
for a while. He could hear many of the child alters
crying and screaming inside. His head felt as if it would burst.
Rocky ran out onto
He pushed Rocky away. “Hey!
Watch where the fuck you’re going!”
Rocky didn’t even hear him or
feel himself being pushed. He was in a state of panic.
“Dad! Dad, please come get me! Where are you?” Rocky
cried.
Rocky kept walking and kept
continuing to search every face for Peter Manning. He looked at the cars going
by, looking for his dad’s car. He had stopped calling out for his dad. Rocky
was now mumbling to himself. “My dad loves me. I’m the only one he loves. He’d
never leave me. He loves me. He plays ball with me. He shares his booze and
magazines and cigarettes with me. He asks me what I think of his whores. He
loves me. Dad, where are you? Saber, why did you lie to me? What did I do to
make you hate me?”
Rocky was frightened. He had
no idea where he was or how to get back home . . . back to the house in
Rocky shivered. He came to a
wide crossing with six lanes of fast-moving traffic. He looked up at the sign.
“You have problem?” a Russian
man asked in a thick accent.
Rocky looked up. His heart
pounded. “Leave me alone,” he cried out.
It was obvious to the man
that this boy had been crying.
“Are you hurt?” the man
pressed.
Rocky looked into the man’s
kind, blue eyes.
He shook his head.
“It is okay. If you are sick
or hurt,
“Is that where Doctor Hanen
is?” Rocky asked in a trembling voice.
“Ummm, I don’t know. They
have many doctors. I can take you there if you want. Maybe we find this Doctor
Hanen.”
Rocky was tempted, but he
knew if he did go back to the hospital they would keep his dad from him anyway.
“No. I don’t want to go the hospital.” Rocky looked up at the man with his
innocent childlike eyes. “Do you know if
“
Rocky’s lower lip trembled as
he tried to hold back the fresh tears that filled his eyes.
“You have someone in
“My dad,” Rocky admitted. “I
thought he was gonna come get me, but I think he’s waiting for me back home
instead.”
“Perhaps you can call him?
You can say reverse charges if you have no money or calling card.”
Rocky thought for a moment.
“I think he’ll be mad at me. He was supposed to come and take me away from
Doctor Hanen’s and he’ll be mad that I didn’t wait for him there.”
“Can you call this Doctor
Hanen?” the man asked. He sensed that this young man had problems.
Rocky shook his head. “She don’t want me to go back to my dad. She wants me to live
with Sam and Viki when Todd’s not crazy anymore.”
The man patted Rocky’s arm.
“I think it would be good for you to go to hospital and talk to doctors there. They can find your Doctor Hanen and maybe
find your dad. Or perhaps they can ask police to find your dad.”
“NO!” Rocky yelled and jumped
off the bench. “My dad don’t want me talking to cops!
They’ll put us in jail for being bad boys and take me away from my dad. They
have special really bad jails they put bad boys in and my dad showed us what
happens in those bad jails. No! I hate you! You leave me alone! Don’t you lie
to my dad and tell him I told the cops anything! I didn’t! I didn’t tell my
teachers or anyone else either! My dad loves me ‘cause
he knows I’d never tell any secrets. My dad loves me!” Rocky ran away from the
man as fast as he could.
The good-hearted Russian man
shook his head. “It is shame,” he said to himself. He felt horrible that he
said the wrong thing and this obviously ill young man ran from help.
*********
Llanview
“God, Sam, he could be
anywhere. We’ve been looking for hours,” Blair exclaimed. She leaned against
Sam’s car. It was parked in the
Blair had talked Sam out of
calling the police. She pointed out that by leaving Todd had broken the
conditions of his release. She also pointed out that Todd and most, if not all,
of the alters would be terrified of being approached
by a police officer. She further stated that the Llanview police department
would love nothing better than to get their hands on Todd. Sick or not, they
held a grudge. “Sam, God only knows what they would do to Todd if they get to
him first.”
Sam’s state of mind caused
him to believe what Blair said. “We checked the docks, the park, and the Sun.
We checked Llanfair from attic to basement. We called Dorian to find out if
Todd or one of the alters tried to see Starr. We
checked the airports, train and bus station. Todd wasn’t seen anywhere. Your
car wasn’t parked near any of those places. My God, we even checked Todd’s old
dorm room. How are we going to find him when we don’t have a clue? What if that
was Saber? He could have his own places that he likes to go. We don’t know
anything about what he likes!” Sam was frantic.
“I still don’t believe that
was Saber. I don’t! I know Todd. I would have known if that was Saber.”
Sam gave Blair a look that
told her he didn’t believe her. “What the hell were you thinking anyway? How
could you even think about having sex with him at this time? He’s still so ill.
What the hell is the matter with you? Is that all you ever think about!”
Blair started to cry. “Don’t
you dare talk to me that way. I was trying to . . . to
. . .”
“To what! What! Pull another baby scam on him while he’s
vulnerable.”
Blair tried with all her
might to keep calm. She knew that she and Sam could not turn on each other now.
“Sam, I know you’re as frightened as I am. That’s why you’re lashing out at me.
That’s not going to help us find Todd.”
Sam thought for a moment. “We
need to call Téa.”
“No!” Blair protested. “If
she finds out what happened she’ll make sure to take Todd away from us.”
“Todd is away from us Blair!
He’s out there and he’s in trouble. She might know some place that Todd could
have gone. He might have even gone to her. Oh God, maybe that’s it? Maybe he
went to Téa?” Sam opened his cell phone.
Blair pulled his arm down.
“Do you want Todd back in the hospital being tortured? Because that’s exactly
where he’ll end up if Téa finds out we let him run away.”
Sam pulled his arm away
angrily. “I’d rather see Todd in the hospital than out there wandering the
streets in his condition.”
Sam dialed Téa’s number.
***********
SECRETS
129 - PART 2
Téa looked out the living
room window. She thought about going to the penthouse. She knew if it came to
it, Blair would hire security guards to stand right outside that apartment door
for the sole purpose of keeping her out. Téa wished she could get to speak to
Sam without Blair’s presence. She thought again about calling Viki and Kevin.
She wondered if either had called the hospital and discovered that Sam and
Blair had taken Todd to the penthouse yesterday evening. Téa didn’t know if any
regular staff had come back to the unit to man the phone. She was just about to
call and find out when her cell phone rang.
“Téa Manning,” she said into
the phone.
“It’s Sam,” the voice on the
other end said.
Téa’s heart pounded. She knew
that Sam would not be calling her unless there was a problem.
“Is Todd all right?” Téa
asked anxiously.
Sam’s heart sank. He
immediately knew Todd was not with Téa. He hesitated, not sure if he should
tell her what happened. He knew it would give her ammunition to take Todd away
from him. Sam also knew Téa might know where Todd or Saber could have gone. Sam
chose to do what was best for Todd.
“Téa,” Sam’s voice broke.
“Todd ran away. We don’t know where he is.”
Blair tugged on Sam’s arm.
“Are you crazy! Don’t tell her. She’s going to use
this against us!”
“Shut up!” Sam yanked his arm
away from Blair. “I never should have listened to you. Oh my God! I never
should have listened to you.”
Blair stood there stunned
that Sam had turned on her.
“Sam? Sam, are you there?”
Téa said frantically into the phone.
“Téa, please, do you have any
idea where Todd might have gone? Or if that was Saber, do you know where he
likes to go?”
Terror washed over Téa. Her
heart was beating so hard and fast it felt as if it were going to burst out of
her chest. She fought to catch her breath and calm down, so she could think and
speak.
“Sam,” Téa began. “Have you
tried the docks and the park?”
“Yes, and
the paper . . . Llanfair . . . everywhere. Téa, he took Blair’s car.” Sam tried to keep himself from crying.
Téa was afraid to ask, but
she did anyway. “How long has he been missing?”
“Almost seven hours,” Sam
whispered.
“Seven hours! Ay dios mio. He
could be anywhere. Do the police have any clues at all?”
Sam took a deep breath. “We
didn’t call the police.”
“What!” Téa felt more panic
than she had ever known. She realized why not. “Sam please don’t
tell me that you let Blair talk you out of calling the police.”
“You know how the Llanview
police feel about Todd. They’ll hurt him if they find him. They’ll terrify
him.”
Téa tried to keep her voice
on an even keel. She knew Sam had to be on the edge. “Sam. Listen to me. You
need to call the police and tell them everything you know. You need to give
them a description of Blair’s car and her license plate number. They can call
the police in nearby states and have them look for Todd. Sam, please. You know
Todd is in terrible danger. Saber wants Todd do die. If one of the children
comes out, they can be in danger. They are children Sam. They will be just as
vulnerable to this world as any child out their on his or her own, only much
more so because of their illness.” Téa thought of something else. She held onto
the windowsill for support. “Todd can begin to have seizures and increased
psychotic episodes if he’s off his medication. His depression can worsen. Sam,
you know that. Please, I know how much you love Todd and want to do what’s
right for him. You wouldn’t have called me if you didn’t. Call Bo in
“Yes,” Sam said softly. Then repeated it loudly and firmly. “I will call the
police.”
Téa drew an uneven breath.
“Thank you. I’m going to call Doctor Hanen. I think Viki needs to know what
happened. It might be best if Susannah calls her. She will know what to say to
keep Viki from panicking. Is that all right?” Téa asked. She didn’t want Sam to
feel as if she were attacking him and taking away his choices. She knew Sam was
seriously ill.
“I should be the one to tell
Viki,” Sam said as he stared into space. “No, let Susannah do it. I’ll only
make things worse for Viki. I don’t think she will want to talk to me anyway.
She shouldn’t. Oh my God, what have I done?” Sam began to weep. “What have I
done?”
“Sam. Sam, listen. Sam! You
need to be strong,” Téa tried. “Todd needs you. He needs all of us. I know
you’re blaming yourself. You can’t think about that right now. You need to hold
it together for Todd. Please. Call Doctor Hanen after you speak with the
police. Let her help you to help Todd. Sam, I swear to you that Doctor Hanen is
not trying to hurt Todd. Please. I swear to you on everything holy.”
Sam used whatever strength he
had left to pull himself together as much as possible. “Yes. Call Susannah. Let
her call Viki. Can you call Bo and tell him to let the department know that
they need to give special attention to finding Todd? Bo might listen to you.”
Sam’s words told Téa that Sam
was still afraid to trust Bo. “Yes. I’ll do that. Sam, I want you to tell
yourself that you are doing the right thing for Todd. Just remember this part
of it for now. You are doing the right thing for Todd.” Téa did not want Sam to
lose it completely.
The moment Sam hung up, Blair
grabbed his arm again. “Sam, you’re playing right into Téa’s plan. The police
will hurt or kill Todd. That’s what Bo will tell them to do. Téa and Susannah
are going to talk Viki into hating you. She will never let you near Todd again.
She’ll take back your guar . . .”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Sam
pushed Blair so roughly she almost fell down. “You don’t give a shit about Todd
and you never did. All you ever cared about was winning! Téa was willing to
give up being around Todd if we left him in the hospital. She put him first. I
must be as crazy as everyone thinks I am or I never would have listened to you.
Viki shouldn’t let me anywhere near Todd ever again. If anything happens to him
it will be my fault . . . my fault for ever listening to you!” Sam got into his
car and drove off, leaving Blair standing there.
**********
“Viki, I know you’ll tell me
the truth. Is that doctor leveling with me?” Clint asked from his bed in one of
the hospital’s private rooms. He no longer required an ICU bed.
“He is,” Viki assured him.
“Jessie is doing so much better physically. Some of the color is coming back to
her cheeks. They’re going to be moving her to a regular room a little later
today. One of her doctors told me she can safely be taken back to Llanview very
soon, possibly tomorrow, and you are able to leave right now.”
“How is our little girl going
to get through this? She loved that boy. She was going to marry him.”
“She’s going to get through
this because she’s tough and she has all of us here to help her,” Kevin pointed
out. He then added, “Aaron’s parents visited Jess. They told her how much they
would have loved for her to have been a part of their family. They told her
that Aaron always talked about how much he loved her. I think Jess took some
comfort in that.”
“Clint, will you go back to
Llanview and do your rehab there?” Viki asked hopefully.
“Of course he will,” Asa
bellowed as he walked into Clint’s room. “Our family needs to stick together at
a time like this. Little Jessie needs her mom and her dad. I can’t believe Joey
already went back to
“Pa!” Clint scolded. “Joey
and Kelly got a call that one of those bush fires just about burned their house
to the ground. You saw how hysterical Kelly was.”
“There was nothing Joey or
Kelly could do for Jessie or Dad. They came all the way here and showed them
how loved they are,” Kevin added.
“Houses can be replaced.
Family can’t!” Asa firmly declared. “Anyway that has nothing do to with the
price of beans. Right now we’re talking about getting our family together back
in Llanview. I’ve already made the arrangements. I’ve got two doctors and four
nurses lined up to make the flight with us. I’ve got all these fancy life
saving machines on the plane. The second we get the go ahead from Jessie’s doc,
we’re on our way back to Llanview and that includes you son.” Asa looked in
Clint’s direction.
“Can I have a few moments
alone with Viki?” Clint asked.
“I’m going back to the ICU
anyway. Jessie should be up from her nap soon. Grandma’s watching over her. Bo
and Nora should be here soon. They went to the cafeteria to grab some lunch.”
Kevin informed them
Asa squeezed Clint’s
shoulder. “Sure son. You take all the time you need with Viki. I’m gonna hop down to that cafeteria myself while Renee is
still with Jessie. I wanna get a man’s lunch before
Renee makes me eat that rabbit food.”
After Kevin and Asa left,
Clint turned to Viki and took her hand. “Are you sure my being in Llanview
won’t be a problem for you?”
Viki smiled. “Having you
nearby will never be a problem for me.”
“What about Rappaport? Will
it be a problem for him?”
Viki knew how fragile Sam was
these days. All of Sam’s talk about proving himself to her and to Todd worried
Viki greatly. She knew that Sam probably would have a problem with Clint being
back in Llanview.
“Please don’t worry about Sam
right now. If he has any problems, I will help him work them out.” Viki tried
to convince herself as much as she did Clint. “Our first concern is Jessie,”
she added. Viki looked into Clint’s eyes. She squeezed his hand. “And, I could
not stand being that far away from you when I know that you are injured.”
Clint stared back into Viki’s
eyes and smiled.
***********
Bo and Nora just got back to
Clint’s floor when one of the nurses waved Bo over to the nurses station.
“Commissioner Buchanan.
There’s a phone call for you. It’s a Mr. Sam Rappaport.”
Bo too knew Sam would not be
calling him there unless something was wrong. “Hi Sam, is everything all
right?” Bo tried to keep his tone light.
“Is Viki nearby?” Sam asked.
“No. I guess she’s either in
with Clint or Jessica. They’re both doing much better. Viki should be able to
get back to Llanview in a day or two.” Bo heard Sam take a deep, shaky breath.
Sam could not find the words
to work his way into this, so he blurted out, “Todd’s gone. He’s run off.”
“What! Todd escaped from the
hospital?”
Sam suddenly remembered that
no one in
“You . . .
what! . . . you
took Todd out of the hospital? Susannah released Todd to you just like that?”
“Sam took Todd out of the
hospital?” Nora asked with shock when she heard Bo’s side of the conversation.
Bo put his hand up to let her
know to be quiet.
“Bo it’s a long story. There
was a hearing. Todd proved to a hearing officer that he would do all right as
an outpatient. Blair and I took him home. He ran off. He took Blair’s car.
We’ve looked for hours and we can’t find him. We . . .” Sam broke down.
Bo could hear Sam sobbing. He
ran his hand down his face. “Sam. Sam, I need you to calm down and listen to
me. Sam!” Bo said loudly into the phone. “You need to hold yourself together
for Todd’s sake,” Bo repeated what Téa had told Sam. “Did you go to the
police?”
Sam rubbed his eyes with the
palm of his left hand. “Yes. I’m outside the department right now. I went to
them right before I called you.”
“Good. You did good, Sam.” Bo was trying his best to hold Sam together.
“How long has Todd been missing?”
“Almost eight hours,” Sam
replied.
“Eight hours and you just
told my people now!” Bo immediately lowered his voice. “Okay. What’s important
is that you did go to them. They have recent photos of Todd so you don’t need
to bring them one. Did you give them a description of what he was wearing the
last time you saw him?”
“Yes,” Sam confirmed. “Bo,
you have to call them. You have to tell them not to hurt Todd if they find him.
I know you and Nora have never really forgiven him for what he did. Please
don’t hold that against him now. He’s sick. Oh God, he’s so sick and he’s out
there alone.” Sam broke down again.
“Sam, please listen to me. I
swear to you on my son that I will make sure no one hurts Todd. If any of my
people find him, they will treat him gently. I will call around the tri-state
area and make sure they’re looking out for Todd too and I will explain to them
that Todd and the alters are very fragile.”
“How is Viki doing?” Sam
asked in a trembling voice.
“She’s fine now that she
knows Jessica is going to be all right. Sam, do you want me to find Viki so you
can tell her or do you want me to tell her what’s going on with Todd?” Bo
asked.
“Téa’s going to ask Susannah
to tell her. Susannah will know what to say to keep Viki calm,” Sam said
hopefully.
No one is going to be able
to keep Viki calm when she hears this,
Bo thought to himself. To Sam he said, “That’s good Sam. I’ll make sure they
know to get Viki immediately when Susannah calls. I want you to make sure you
have your cell phone with you and charged in case Todd calls you. Then I want
you to go back to Llanfair in case Todd goes there or tries to call there.
Blair will be at the penthouse should Todd try to call there or go home.” Bo
also thought it best to keep Sam away from Blair. She was obviously a
destructive influence.
Sam started to weep again.
“Please tell Viki I love her. Tell her I’m so sorry.”
“I will Sam. I’ll make sure
she knows that. I want you to try to calm down. Todd needs you to stay strong
for him.” Bo thought for a moment. “Sam, I’m gonna
tell Susannah and Bill to come over to Llanfair to wait with you. Todd doesn’t
know Susannah’s home phone number. He won’t try to call her there.”
“I-I-I’m not crazy, Bo! I
don’t need a babysitter.”
“I know. I know that, Sam.
Take it easy. I just thought in case Todd goes there it would be a good idea if
Susannah was there waiting for him. So is it all right with you if I ask
Susannah and Bill to wait with you at Llanfair?”
Sam thought for a moment.
“Yes. I want to do what’s best for Todd. Bo, I swear that’s all I ever wanted. Oh God.”
“I know that, Sam. It’s all
right. We all know that’s what you were trying to do. It’ll be okay. You go
back to Llanfair and I’ll call Susannah as soon as I hang up. Téa might have
already spoken with her. You call me anytime. I’ll be here at the hospital. Any
time, Sam,” Bo repeated. He didn’t believe that Sam was going to make it
through this without falling apart.
***********
Bill checked on Susannah. He
lifted the blanket that was covering her a little higher. Neither of them had
gotten much sleep last night. Susannah had fallen asleep on the sofa about an
hour ago.
Susannah sat straight up when
she heard the doorbell ring.
“It’s all right. You sit.
I’ll get it,” Bill instructed.
Susannah rubbed her eyes and
brushed her hair back with her hands while Bill headed to the front door.
“Téa. Hi. Are you all right?” Susannah heard Bill say.
“No,” Téa responded. “Is
Doctor Hanen home?”
“I’m in here, Téa,” Susannah
called out. She stood up.
The moment Susannah saw Téa’s
face she knew something terrible had happened.
“Todd ran away from the
penthouse. He’s out there alone. He’s alone.” Téa began to cry.
The blood drained from
Susannah’s face. She took a deep breath and quickly got hold of herself. “Let’s
sit down.” Susannah guided Téa to the sofa. “Tell me what happened.”
After Téa had gone into
detail about everything she knew from seeing Adam, to the chaos surrounding
him, to Sam’s phone call, Susannah felt ill. All her worst fears had come true.
“Are you sure that Sam will
call the police? The frame of mind he’s in these days . . . I’m not so sure,”
Bill stated.
“I called them myself and I
called Bo,” Téa informed them, “just in case Sam didn’t go though with it. He
did though. Bo said he had just spoken with Sam and . . .”
Before Téa had a chance to
say another word, Susannah’s phone rang.
“Hello,” Susannah said into
the phone.
“Susannah, it’s
Bo.”
“Bo, Téa’s here. She just
told me what happened.”
Bo filled Susannah in on what
he had done from his end. He asked her if she wanted to talk to Viki right then
or if she needed some time to digest this herself.
Susannah knew that Viki
needed to know now. “Is Viki there?” Susannah asked.
“I’ll get her. Jessica was
just moved to a regular room. The good news is that both Jessie and Clint are
stable enough to be moved to a plane and taken home.”
“That’s wonderful news,”
Susannah told him. “I know that Viki will want to get back here as soon as she
hears what happened. I don’t know if she could handle the stress of being there
while Todd is missing.” Something occurred to Susannah. “Todd might be on his
way there. He was upset that he couldn’t be there for Viki and Jessica.”
Bo took a deep breath. “I
never thought of that. I hope to God he shows up here. I promise you if he does
we’ll keep him safe.”
“I know you will.” Susannah
tried to keep the fear she felt out of her voice.
“I explained the situation to
the nurse here and you can have as much time as you need to talk to Viki. They
won’t rush her off the phone. Can you hold? I’m going to get Viki now.”
Susannah gathered her
thoughts while she waited.
“Susannah, what’s happened?”
Viki asked immediately. She knew Susannah wouldn’t be calling if everything was
all right.
Susannah heard the sound of
panic in Viki’s voice. “Viki, I need you to stay as calm as possible. Sam and
Blair took Todd out of the hospital and he ran away from the penthouse. He’s
been missing for a while.” Susannah kept her voice as even and calm as
possible.
“No. Oh dear Lord no! Todd,
no! Oh my God! Susannah. He ran off to kill himself, didn’t he? Oh God, how
could this happen? Why did you let them take him? Oh my God,
Todd.”
“Viki, we don’t know why he
ran off. He might have just wanted to get away and think. He might even be on
his way to
“Oh God, everyone was right.
I never should have allowed Sam to become Todd’s guardian. This is my fault. I
knew Sam was falling apart and I allowed him to become Todd’s guardian,” Viki
cried.
Bo and Nora exchanged looks.
They didn’t know if they should say something or let Susannah handle it.
“Viki,” Susannah said firmly
into the phone. “It is not your fault. Sam loves Todd very much. You were
trying to do what’s best for everyone. Sam might have had reason to believe
that I was being paid to hurt Todd. It’s too involved to get into now, but that
might have been one of the things that made Sam believe Todd was not getting
the best care in the hospital.”
Viki took some deep breaths.
She knew she couldn’t lose it now. “Right now Sam’s reasons don’t matter,
finding Todd does.” Viki thought and gave Susannah a list of all the places
where Todd might have gone.
Susannah hated to have to
tell her that all those places were already checked.
“Dear Lord! He could be
anywhere.” Viki was beginning to panic again.
“The police in Llanview and
in neighboring states all have Todd’s description. They also know that he is
ill and fragile. Everything possible is being done to find him. There is still
a chance he’s on his way to
“Did he take some money and
credit cards?” Viki asked.
“He took whatever cash Blair
had and her car. As far as we know he has no credit cards. He must have
realized that his whereabouts could be traced through credit card action.
That’s a good thing, Viki. It shows that his thinking was not that
disorganized,” Susannah pointed out. Yes, she was trying to put as positive a
spin on this as she could, but she also knew what she said was true.
“Jessica is stable enough to
be moved. I will be back in Llanview tomorrow,” Viki stated. “If you find Todd,
I want you to tell him that.”
“Of course I will,” Susannah
promised.
Viki felt as if she were
trapped in a nightmare. “How are Sam and Téa holding up?” she asked calmly.
Susannah realized the surreal
sensation Viki was feeling was an unconscious defense mechanism her mind used
to help her stay calm. “They are holding up as best as possible. Téa is here.
Would you like to speak with her?”
“Yes, please. Thank you,”
Viki said in that same calm detached tone.
“Viki,” Téa said into the
phone. “I’m so sorry. Viki, I tried to keep Todd in the hospital. I tried to
become his substitute guardian. The judge would not grant that immediately.
Because of the holiday weekend, I couldn’t get anything more done. I’m so
sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Viki
said softly. “You tried to warn me about giving Sam guardianship. Kevin,
Susannah, Bo, Nora . . . all of you . . . you realized
that Sam was in no shape to be Todd’s guardian.”
“Oh, Viki, please don’t talk
that way. You love Todd and Sam with all your heart. You wanted to give Todd a
real father. Sam loves Todd. We all know that. Sam loves Todd more than his own
life. We are watching out for Sam. We’ll make sure he stays safe and . . .”
“I know you will,” Viki cut
Téa off. She did not want to discuss Sam. “I need to go now. I want to tell Asa
that he has to have his plane ready to leave early tomorrow. Jessica is
scheduled for a few more tests first thing in the morning. If there are no
problems, we should be back in Llanview by early afternoon.”
“Viki, we both know Todd has
the strongest survival instincts of anyone we’ve ever known.” Téa was trying to
convince herself as well as Viki.
“Yes he does. He does.”
Viki’s voice trembled. “Thank you for trying to keep Sam from doing this,”
Viki’s calm returned. “I love you and Todd loves you. He loves you with all his
heart, Téa.”
Tears spilled down Téa’s
cheeks. “I know.”
“Bo would like to speak with
Susannah,” Viki stated. “Can you please put her back on the phone?” Viki handed
the phone to Bo.
Nora hugged Viki. “I’m so
sorry. Bo will make sure the police will do everything possible to find Todd
and bring him back safely.”
“Yes, I know they will. Thank
you.”
Nora heard that same detached
tone that Susannah and Téa had heard. She felt how tight Viki’s muscles were.
“I’m going to find Asa now.
Please get me immediately if there is any news or if Todd should show up here.”
“Viki you know we will,” Nora
confirmed. “You don’t even have to ask.”
Nora shook her head as Viki
walked away.
“Yes, Bill and I will go
there immediately,” Susannah assured Bo. “We will not leave Sam alone. Thank
you so much for doing what you can from there,” she added.
“Nora and I care very much
about Todd and his family. We care about you, too. How’re you holding up?” Bo
asked his sister-in-law.
Susannah cleared her throat
as her emotions overpowered her for a moment. “I’m fine. Bill has been here
with me since I left the hospital yesterday. Bo, we discovered something.
Someone deposited five hundred thousand dollars into my bank account. We have
no idea who. We think that either Sam or Blair discovered this and believe that
I’m being paid to keep Todd ill.”
“What! Damn! Oh man. Sam was
so suspicious of everyone to start with. That must have been the last straw for
him.” Bo thought for a moment. “You think Blair did this?”
“No, I don’t. I really
don’t,” Susannah replied. “I think she found out and used the information to
her advantage, but I don’t believe she did this. You do realize that Sam and
probably Blair too most likely believe that one of you . . . a Buchanan . . .
gave me that money.”
“Yeah, I kinda
figured that. Okay, look, don’t you worry about that. We’ll get to the bottom
of this and we will find Todd.”
“Yeah,” Susannah said softly.
**********
Rocky kept running until he
his sides ached and he couldn’t catch his breath. He sat down on one of the
benches again. He looked up at the street sign. “Avenue U,” he said aloud. He
gazed at the tall apartment buildings and then at the private houses. He
watched people riding by on bicycles. Other people were jogging or strolling.
There were Jewish people, many dressed in traditional clothes, on their way to
and from Sabbath services. He also saw individuals and families pushing baby
carriages. His feelings of fear and loneliness were overwhelming. He felt small
and vulnerable. “Dad, where are you?” he whispered to himself. “I know you
wouldn’t die and leave me. I’m the only one you like. I’m not like Todd and the
others. You love me!” Rocky couldn’t hold back the tears that splashed down his
cheeks. He angrily wiped them away with the palms of his hands. “I’m sorry Dad.
I’m not a wimp. Don’t hate me. I musta made Saber mad
and he lied to me to hurt me.”
Rocky got up and headed east.
He walked about ten blocks and saw a subway station. He walked inside and
spotted the token booth. The innocent ten year old took all the money he had
out of his pocket and placed it on the counter. “Is this enough to get to
The woman in the booth looked
at the young man in front of her. “Honey, you’d better not flash your money
around.”
“I gotta
get to
The woman shook her head.
“Here’s what you do . . .” The token clerk directed Rocky to the Port Authority
Bus Terminal in
**********
Llanview
“Did Mel take Starr out?”
Blair asked frantically as she ushered Dorian into the penthouse.
“Yes,” Dorian stated. “I had
to tell him what happened. He took Starr down to see the ships come in for the
holiday. There’s a museum there, too. They should be gone for hours.”
“I don’t want Starr around in
case someone comes over to talk about Todd. Oh God, Dorian, I can’t believe
this happened. What should I do? Sam turned on me. He’s already blaming me.
Everyone else will, too. And Todd . . . oh my God . . . what if he . . . I mean
everyone believes that it was Saber who was out.”
“Saber is the
alter who hates Todd?” Dorian wanted to be sure.
“Yes. He wants Todd dead.
Even if that wasn’t Saber, Todd wants to die.” Blair began to cry again. “What
if Todd does hurt himself? Dorian, what if Starr loses her daddy because of
this?”
“First of all, Queen Victoria
and all of them can blame you all they want. That doesn’t mean you did this.
Viki is the one who placed Todd in a hospital that did him far more harm than
good. Viki is the one who chose a disturbed man to be Todd’s co-guardian. If
anyone is to blame for all of this it’s Viki. Oh, but I’m sure they will try to
make it seem like it was your fault and . . .”
“Todd is missing Dorian! I
have to find him. I can’t let Starr lose her daddy and I can’t lose Todd.”
Blair continued to weep.
“Blair,” Dorian linked her
arm though Blair’s and led her to the sofa. “You need to calm down. Now you
have already looked everywhere that Todd might be. The police are looking for
Todd.”
“Who knows what they’ll do to
Todd if they find him. I tried to warn Sam not to get the police involved, but
he listened to Téa. Oh man, I can just hear her now. She must be telling anyone
who will listen how right she was. She’s probably telling them what a monster I
am for letting this happen. She’ll use this to get Todd right back where she
wants him.”
For a moment, Blair realized
just what she was saying. “That is if Todd hasn’t . . .” Blair started to cry
again. “Maybe I am a monster? If that was really Saber, I let him fool me into
thinking that he wanted to . . .” Blair looked away from Dorian.
“You let him fool you into
thinking he wanted to what?” Dorian pressed.
Blair shrugged slightly. “You
know . . . I mean it’s been so long and I thought that part was always good
between Todd and me . . . I thought he couldn’t with Téa because I was the only
one . . .”
“You had sex with him?”
Dorian could not believe this. “Blair, the man had been out of a psychiatric
unit for only a few hours and you had sex with him?”
“Sam already made me feel
like dirt for this Dorian!” Blair spat out angrily. “And no!
I didn’t have sex with him.”
Dorian let out a sigh of
relief. “Thank God.”
“He made me think he wanted me
and then when I went upstairs to change he ran off,” Blair admitted.
Dorian shook her head.
“Please tell me that you would have used birth control if you had been sexual
with Todd.”
“What does that matter now! Todd is gone! It might not have even been Todd.” Blair
looked down at her lap. “I don’t think Todd would have used me that way. Maybe
it was Saber?”
Dorian shuddered. “Do you
realize how much danger you could have been in if it was a violent alter? I knew you never should have brought Todd home. You
should have taken him to another hospital in
“Todd wouldn’t hurt me. He .
. .”
“You just said you think that
might have been Saber,” Dorian pointed out. She was also going to point out
that Todd himself had hurt Blair physically in the past, enough to cover her
body with bruises. He had also attempted to rape her, and that was before Todd
was even close to being this ill. She held back. She knew it served no purpose
now.
Blair shook her head. “I
don’t know. I don’t know what to think. Oh, Dorian, I can’t believe this. I
can’t believe everything went so wrong. I swear I wanted to help Todd. This is
all Téa’s fault. She’s probably the one who gave the Buchanan’s the idea to pay
off Doctor Hanen to hurt Todd. They wouldn’t have been smart enough to think of
doing that on their own.”
Dorian looked as
uncomfortable as she felt. She wanted Blair to change the subject. Dorian rued
the day she ever put that plan in motion. She meant to discredit Viki. She
never meant for any of this to happen.
“Téa is the one that Viki
trusts so much,” Blair whined. “She got Todd to trust her. I’m the mother of
his child and he never trusted me the way he trusts that whore. What if it’s
too late? What if . . .” Blair broke down and began to sob again.
Dorian held her tightly.
***********
Susannah and Bill exchanged
glances one more time. They were both very worried about Sam. He had not said
more than a few words since they had arrived at Llanfair. He refused all offers
of food and drink, although at one point Susannah noticed Sam standing near the
bar in the living room. She saw that Sam was using all his strength to stop
himself from numbing his pain. Sam won that battle. He walked away without
taking anything.
At one point, when the phone
rang, Sam had nearly jumped out of his skin. When Sam froze, as the phone kept
ringing, Bill rushed to answer it. It was Bo. He wanted to know how everyone
was holding up. He also told them that police officers in
What was unknown to all of
them was how short hair had radically changed Todd’s appearance. Not only did
he look much younger, he did not even look like the same person. It would be
unlikely that anyone seeing the very thin, delicate looking, shorthaired young
man would recognize him as the Todd in the photo being passed around.
***********
Viki sat in the hospital
chapel. She had it to herself. She remembered the time she walked into the
“You said yes to Todd and you
saved his little girl,” Viki said aloud. “Now I need to ask you to save Todd.
Please, that little girl you saved needs her daddy. Todd has fought so long and
so hard. I don’t know why he was made to suffer so all his life. We’re taught
to accept and not question, but how can I not. What possible reason can there
be for Todd or any child to suffer horrible abuse? I know Todd has done many
terrible things in his life. Yet of all those he has hurt, he has hurt himself
most of all. He punishes himself far more than anyone he’s hurt wants to see
him punished. Please, Lord, watch over him wherever he is. Allow him to feel
the tremendous love we have for him. Let him realize that nothing would cause
us greater pain than to lose him. I know he also wants to end his suffering.
Please give him the strength he needs to keep fighting. You saved him many
times, save him once more. He has a wife and child who love him with all their
hearts and need him in their lives. Sam will never be able to live with himself
if something happens to his boy and I . . .” Viki’s
choked up. The tears she was holding back streamed down her cheeks. “I love
Todd as if he were my child. Dear Lord, in most ways he is. You’ve already
taken one child from me. Please don’t take Todd away from me, too. Don’t let me
lose him again.”
Viki stopped when she heard
herself say that. “Again?” she repeated to herself. Viki’s head began to throb.
“Mom,” Kevin gently called.
Viki quickly pushed the
thoughts about what she had just said out of her mind.
Viki stood up quickly. “Has
Todd been found? Is it Jessica or Clint?” Viki sounded frantic.
“Mom, calm down. I’m sorry if
I scared you. It’s none of those things. I just wanted to tell you that the
doctor said we should all be able to leave here by eleven tomorrow morning, if
everything checks out with Jessie’s test, and you know they will. Jessie is
tougher than all of us put together. Grandpa said he arranged for two fully
medically equipped helicopters to take all of us to the airport and to his
plane. We should be back in Llanview by mid afternoon.”
Viki looked very relieved.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” She took a good look at Kevin. “How are you holding
up?”
Kevin turned away. “Mom, I
can’t think about what happened. If I do, I will want to punch my fist through
a wall.”
Viki nodded. She understood.
She hugged her firstborn son.
When Kevin first heard that
Sam and Blair had taken Todd out of the hospital and that he had run off under
their watch, he was livid. He was yelling and cursing to the point that Bo had
to literally pull him, by the arm, until they were out of the hospital. Kevin
totally blamed Blair and Sam. He didn’t care how sick Sam was. It was only a
little later, after Bo had gotten Kevin to calm down, that
Kevin had burst into tears. As Bo held him, Kevin poured out his terror. With
Timmy, Tom and Adam out there, along with Todd and the others, Kevin felt like
a father with a missing child. He was inconsolable. Even now, the only way for
Kevin to keep himself somewhat together was to keep from thinking about what
happened.
************
SECRETS
129 – PART 3
*********
Llanview
Carlotta had insisted on
going with Téa to her hotel room to stay with her. She wouldn’t take no for an
answer when Téa told her she didn’t want her moving around on her injured leg.
Téa needed to be in her room at the hotel in case Todd showed up there or
called her on that phone. With Sam, Susannah and Bill at Llanfair and Blair at
the penthouse, the likely places Todd might go were covered.
Téa was alternating between
pacing and sitting on the sofa next to Carlotta.
“Mija, why don’t you go into
the bedroom and try to sleep for a while. I’ll be here in case Todd comes to
the door or calls.”
“I don’t think I could lay
still for long, let alone sleep,” Téa confessed. “I’ve tried and tried and I
can’t think of where Todd would have gone. I should be able to figure it out.”
“How?” Carlotta asked. “How are you supposed to know where
this Saber alter might have gone? You said it was possible that he has friends
that Todd doesn’t know anything about.”
Téa shook her head. “I don’t
know. I should. I should know. Todd and I have . . . I don’t know . . . a
connection. I feel as if he’s out there, reaching out to me. I know some part
of Todd wants me to save him.”
Carlotta stood up and limped
over to Téa. She cupped Téa’s cheek in her hand. “Todd might have to save
himself this time.”
Tears spilled down Téa’s
face. “What if he can’t? He’s had to fight so hard and for so long. What if
everything he’s been through has worn him down? What if he doesn’t have the
strength to fight against Saber or any other alter
that wants to hurt him? The child alters are so innocent and easily frightened.
How can they protect themselves in this kind of world? What if Adam or the baby
comes out . . . or little Timmy? Todd had much better control before he became
so ill. The adult alters were out much more than the children back then. Doctor
Hanen said Todd was high functioning until Georgie’s
death triggered this breakdown.”
“It seems to me that God or
fate or someone or something has always watched over Todd and protected him. He
survived things that would have killed most people. We will pray that something
or someone is still watching out for him,” Carlotta said softly.
“Todd needs more than my
prayers. He needs me to figure out where he is and find a way to help him. I’ve
been thinking of the dream I keep having. What if there is a clue in that
dream? Why do I dream about a place I’ve never been to? What if that place is
where Todd has gone? What if it’s where someone has taken one of the children?”
Carlotta looked away.
Téa took Carlotta’s hands in
her own trembling ones. “I know that dream ends with Todd dying in my arms. I
will not accept that! I feel I can change it. It’s not too late. If I can
figure out where Todd is, I believe I can get to him and change it.” Téa broke
down. Her sobs gut wrenching.
Carlotta led her to the sofa.
Téa rested her head on Carlotta’s lap. Carlotta leaned forward and rested her
cheek against Téa’s head. She rubbed her back, as the young woman’s body
writhed with the agony she was feeling.
After a few minutes, Téa took
a deep trembling breath. She lifted her head and dried her tears with the
fingers of both hands. “Enough of that. My tears will
not do Todd any good. I need to think back and try to remember everything Todd
has told me about places that mean something to him. I will find him. I don’t
know how right now, but I will find him and he will not die!”
Carlotta squeezed Téa’s hand.
“He won’t,” Téa said softly.
“I won’t allow life or Todd’s parents or Blair to take him away from me. I have
always found a way to fight for what I’ve wanted and I have never wanted
anything more than the life I know Todd and I could have together. No matter
how he runs from it, no matter how frightened of taking a chance on happiness
Todd becomes or how many times he pushes me away and runs back to the misery he
believes he deserves, I will not allow what I know we can have to be taken away
from either of us.”
**********
After a few wrong turns,
Rocky made it to the bus terminal. His legs ached terribly and his heart rate
was accelerated. Todd’s body was not used to all the walking and running that
Saber and then Rocky had put it through. Rocky looked around at the vast area
and the hundreds of strange faces. He once again looked for Peter Manning’s
face among the strangers. Rocky’s chin trembled as he
tried to hold back his tears.
“You look lost,” A
middle-aged man said, startling Rocky.
“I’m not lost. I’m going to
“
“Rocky,” the young boy
answered.
“Well, Rocky, you look like
you could use something to eat before you go. I’ll bet you’re hungry.” From his
youthful look, the man assumed Rocky was a runaway.
Rocky shrugged. “I don’t know
if I got enough money for food and a bus ticket and it’s real important that I
get to
The man took in Rocky’s baby face and clean-cut innocent look. He licked
his lips. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get you a great big hot meal. Come on.
They don’t have anything good to eat here. I know a place you’ll really like.”
Rocky thought for a minute.
“No thanks, Mister. I gotta get to
“Yeah, sure I do. Follow me,”
the man instructed.
Rocky went along with the
stranger.
“I’ll bet your dad is proud
to have a fine looking son like you,” the man said as they walked through the
terminal.
“My dad is real proud of me.
I’m better at football and baseball than everyone else. I always catch the ball
when he throws it to me and I don’t act like a little-girl wimp like the
others. My dad likes to have me around because I’m not a stupid, ugly, bastard.
He shares all kinds of stuff with me.”
The man gave Rocky a curious
look. “Sounds like you and your dad are close. Yep, it must be real nice to
have a boy like you around. This way,” the man pointed down a deserted
corridor.
Rocky followed him.
“How come we’re stopping
here?” Rocky asked. He didn’t see any busses or a place to buy tickets.
The man looked around to make
sure no one was nearby. “How would you like to make some good money? You can
show your dad what a success you are.”
Rocky knew that Peter always
bragged about his own successes and salary. I’ll bet my dad will be prouder
of me than ever if I make a lot of money and bring it home to him, Rocky
thought to himself. “Okay,” Rocky agreed. “I can read and write good and I’m a real good speller and I can catch the ball
better than anyone,” Rocky listed his best skills.
“You’re not gonna need any of those things. I’m gonna
turn you into a movie star. I know someone who is looking for boys just like
you to be in his movies.”
“You mean like Sylvester
Stallone? My dad really likes him in those Rocky movies. That’s how I got my
name.”
“You come with me and you
won’t have another thing to worry about,” the man stated.
Rocky thought for another
minute. “I don’t know, Mister. I think I have to get home right away. The
longer I’m away the madder my dad’s gonna be. He don’t like it when people walk out on him.”
The man stroked Rocky’s hair. “Yes sir, your dad is one lucky man to have a
fine boy like you around. Come here.” He yanked Rocky to him. “Let’s see if you
have movie star potential.” The man pushed Rocky face first against the wall.
Rocky felt the man’s hands on
his pants. He felt the man tug them open and let them drop to the ground. He
felt the man’s fingers in his bottom and then felt his hand reach further and
grasp his penis.
“Stop! Leave me alone! No!” the ten-year-old cried out. “My
dad’s gonna kill you. I don’t do that stuff. Not me!
My dad don’t do that to me. I’m not the one. Stop!” Rocky tried desperately to get away.
“Relax. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’ll make you feel good. I’ll make us both
feel good.”
Rocky heard the sound of a
zipper opening. He felt the man’s erect penis pressing against him. “NO! Help!
Saber, help me! Dad! I want my dad! Doctor Hanen! Frank! Help me!”
Just as the man was about to
penetrate Rocky, he was stunned when this thin young boy suddenly exhibited
enormous physical strength. He rammed his elbow into the middle-aged man with
enough force to knock him down. “No one is going to fucking do that to any of
us again!” Razor declared. Razor quickly pulled his pants up and fastened them.
“You filthy motherfucker!” Razor kicked the man, in
the stomach and then in the side, breaking two of his ribs and causing him to
double up with pain. “You low life perverted piece of shit. You tried to do
that to a kid . . . to a kid!” Razor kicked him again, this time in the back.
The man lay there moaning and
gasping for breath.
“Hey! What’s going on here?”
Two men called out from the far end of the hall.
Razor heard them and ran. He
wasn’t there to tell what truly happened when his assailant claimed the young
man that ran away was trying to mug him.
**********
Razor saw a door that led to
the street. He rushed out and ran as far as he could up
Timmy’s eyes filled with
terror when he looked around. His face scrunched up as tears filled his eyes.
“Mommy?” he whispered. “Mommy, I thcared.”
Timmy stood up. He looked at all the tall buildings, slow moving traffic, and
strangers that surrounded him. He began to tremble. “Tee,” Timmy called out. “Tee, I thcared. Mommy,” Timmy
whispered again as tears began to streak his face. Timmy dared to take a step
away from the wall when a man and a woman carrying several large Macy’s
shopping bags knocked into him, pushing him back against the side of the
building. Timmy slid down the wall and pulled himself into his little ball
position.
“Hey!”
Timmy heard the sound of a
man’s voice. He looked up and saw a tall man with black hair and a black beard
looking down at him.
“This ain’t
a park bench. Get away from the front of my store.”
Timmy looked up at him with
frightened eyes. “I wan my mommy. Do you know where my mommy ith?”
“Look buddy, if you wanna sleep it off you ain’t doin’ it in front of my store. People have to come in and
out of here and I don’t need them to be greeted by some young punk strung out
on booze or drugs. Now get the hell away from here before I call the cops.”
Timmy’s trembling and tears
increased. “Pweath,e take me
to my mommy or Tee or Dota Hamen
or Kebin or my daddy Tham. Pweathe. I thcared.”
The man looked at Timmy in
disgust. “Maybe you’re just some kind of retard.” He took a couple of dollars
out of his pocket. “Here! Go get yourself a drink or take a bus down to
Timmy panicked and ran. He
fell before he was halfway down the block, scraping his knee. Timmy pulled
himself up. Tears were streaming down his face. He hobbled up the street. “Mommy! Mommyyyyyyy. It hurts. Tee! Tee, I thcared. I got a boo-boo. Tee! You
pwomised you thtay wid me. Teee!”
Across
It took several seconds for
Todd’s vision to clear. When it did, panic immediately filled his being. He
knew he wasn’t in Llanview. This was not the first time Todd had found himself
in a different state and had no idea how he got there. This time he was even
more afraid than the other times because this time he knew about the people
running around in his head.
After a few moments, Todd realized
where he was. He’d been to
“Hey kid,” a female voice
called out from a doorway. “You look like you could use a good time.”
Todd immediately realized
this woman was a prostitute. He started to walk away.
“I’m really good with guys
your age. I can teach you all about love.”
Todd stopped for a moment.
His eyes welled with tears.
“How about it?” the woman
pressed. “Why don’t you let Lucy teach you a few things?”
Todd moved close to where she
stood. “Someone already taught me all about love,” he said softly.
“One of your little school
girlfriends from back home,” the woman guessed.
“My wife,” Todd stated as he
glanced into this woman’s eyes. He saw Téa in his mind’s eye. The tears that
had filled his eyes now spilled down his cheek.
“You married?” the woman was
surprised. She figured Todd for about seventeen. While she was only thirty, she
felt old and tired. Years of selling herself on an on-again, off-again drug
addiction had taken their toll. Her body was used up. Her face was already
lined, making her appear a good ten years older than her thirty years.
Todd nodded.
Lucy had known nothing except
misery her entire life. Most of the people she knew led lives equally as
miserable. Yet, never before had this woman seen so much sadness and pain in
anyone’s eyes. “So how come you look so lost? You and your missus have a
fight?”
Todd smiled as he thought
about Téa. “We always fight and usually Delgado wins.”
“Delgado! That’s a weird
name. My name’s Lucy. You know,” she pointed to her red wig, “like Lucy on T.V.
It sounds like you like that this Delgado always wins.”
“She’s smart. She sees right
through everything. You can’t bullshit her. She gets all these good ideas and
even when I don’t think they’re good at the beginning, they always turn out to
be the right thing to do.” Todd sighed deeply and stared off into space.
“Except her ideas about us, those ideas are gonna end
up getting her killed.”
Lucy was intrigued. She was
also filled with compassion for this young man. Thoughts she had about getting
him as a john vanished. “You mixed up with the mob or something?”
Todd shook his head. “It’s
worse than that. Sometimes ‘they’ can be stopped. No one can stop what’s gonna happen to Delgado and
Shorty and everyone if I stick around. No one can
make all the pain go away for me. They try and it just keeps getting worse.
He’s right. I know what I have to do.” Todd shuddered. “I’m just so scared,” he
admitted. Somehow, this stranger, someone the world considered a low life, just
the way they considered him one, was easy to talk to.
“Who’s Shorty?”
Lucy asked.
“My
daughter . . . my little girl.
She’s this good, clean, innocent person. What I am hasn’t hurt her yet, but it
will.”
This time it was Lucy whose
eyes filled with tears. “I got a kid out there too, a boy. He’s thirteen. He
lives with my sister and her hubby. She’s a schoolteacher. Can you believe
that? I got a sister who teaches fuckin’ fifth grade.
My kid don’t know nothin’
about what I am either. He thinks I’m dead and that my sister is his mother.”
Todd grabbed Lucy’s arms.
“You let them lie to your kid about who he really is?”
Lucy looked into Todd’s hazel
eyes. “Yeah I let them lie to him. Would you like to find out your mama is a
junkie and a whore? Would you like to live down here instead of a nice house in
the ‘burbs? My kid is happy. He’s safe. He lives a
good life with a yard and a dog and all those fuckin’
things kids on T.V. have.”
“How do you know he’s not
being hurt? How do you know someone isn’t beating the shit out of him and
burning him and telling him he’s garbage and . . . and . . .” Todd gasped for
breath. “And doing all kinds of disgusting things to him?”
“’Cause I know my sister and
her husband and they’d never do things like that to my kid or any kid. My
sister tried to help me get clean when my son was little. She wanted me to go
back to being his mama. I tried. I was clean for almost a year from the time he
was two until he was almost three. I lived with them and took care of him.”
“And your drugs were more
important to you than your kid?” Todd asked angrily.
“You don’t see my boy here,
do you! So I guess they were. It sounds like you’re gonna leave your kid and your wife. So who the fuck are you to talk to me like that anyway!”
Todd turned away from Lucy’s
eyes. “I’m doing it to protect them . . . to protect all of them and give them
their life back . . . especially Delgado.”
“So you’re no different.
You’re like me. That’s all I want for my kid. I want to protect him from what I
am and what he’ll turn into if he has a mother like me. I’m protecting my
sister from always having to feel disappointed in me. She gets her hopes up
that I can change and then it’s right back to business as usual. I never want
to see that look in her eyes again. So I just stay away.”
“Your sister knows you’re not
dead, doesn’t she?” Todd asked.
Lucy shrugged. “Guess so. I
only call her a couple times a year to find out how my boy is doing. Guess she
might wonder if I’m dead the rest of the time.”
Todd thought about Viki, Sam,
Susannah, the hospital staff and most of all Starr and Téa. He realized that
they would never know what happened to him. “They’ll always wonder if I’m out
there somewhere. What if they think I’m gonna come
back? How will they feel when I never do? I know what that feels like,” Todd
mumbled.
“You know what ‘what’ feels
like?” Lucy asked. She was only able to make out the last thing Todd said.
“To wait for someone who’s
never coming back to come back,” Todd said and stared into space.
“Yeah, I know what that’s
like, too. My daddy walked out on us when I was six. For years, every time I
heard someone walk up the stairs in our building I thought it was him. Every
time one of my mom’s boyfriends was partying with me I thought my dad would
come back to save me.”
Todd stared into Lucy’s eyes.
“I thought my mom would come back to save me, too. I should have known she
would never save me because I’m not worth saving.”
“Yeah,” Lucy whispered. “It’s
easy to believe that when they never come.”
“I believe it because it’s
true,” Todd stated bitterly.
“You look like a nice kid.
What you think you done that so terrible?”
“Things I don’t wanna talk about,” Todd replied. Todd thought for a minute.
He put his hands in his pocket and took out what money he had left. He held it
out in front of Lucy. “Would this be enough to buy some pills . . . like
sleeping pills or something . . . lots of them?”
Lucy stared into his eyes
until Todd looked away. “You wanna off yourself?” she
asked.
“What’s it to you?” Todd
snarled.
“Nothin’. It’s nothin’ to me. I’m thinking about that Delgado and Shorty you talked about. Sounds like
they’d be the ones to care if you offed yourself.”
Todd fought to keep his
emotion in check. “They’ll get over it. They’ll get over it more than what will
happen to them if I stick around.”
“I didn’t get over my daddy
never comin’ back. You ever get over your mom doin’ it to you?”
Todd stared into Lucy’s brown
eyes again for a minute. “Shut up! This is different. They won’t think I left
cause they’re bad or not worth sticking around for. They know they’re the best.
They know they’re worth everything . . . worth a lot more than someone like me
being around them. After a while they’ll be glad I’m gone.”
Lucy shrugged. “If you say so. My daddy was a drunk and he could never hold
a job. Still, I know my mama never stopped missing him and I sure as hell know
that I didn’t. I don’t miss the times when he was drunk, but I sure do miss the
times he was around when he wasn’t. You tellin’ me
your wife and kid don’t have no good memories of you
that will make them miss you forever, no matter how much time goes by?”
Todd’s chin trembled. “There
were some good times. I just don’t want it touching them. I want them to stay
safe and good and clean. I want it to stop hurting. I can’t take it anymore.
There’s not a time I go to sleep that I don’t pray I don’t wake up or a time I
wake up when I don’t curse God for not letting me die. I’m so scared all the
time. I can’t remember what it feels like not to be scared. Every day I wonder
what horrible thing is going to happen that day. If something good does happen,
I know it will be followed by something horrible to punish me for feeling good
for a few minutes. There’s this constant lump in my stomach. Sometimes I wanna pull myself into a ball and disappear and sometimes I
want to start screaming and never stop. I’ve got all this rage in me and
sometimes it gets so strong that I wanna hurt someone
. . . everyone! Then I hate myself for being this way. I feel like crying all
the time and most of the time I can’t stop myself. Everything hurts from the
inside out and the outside in. I feel like I’m on fire and there’s no way to
put it out. I wanna die so badly and I’m scared to do
it. I’m afraid that even after I die there’ll be nothing good. I’ll suffer for
eternity because of the things I’ve done and what I feel. Don’t you get it?
There is no out for me. Even death might not be an out for me. Forever . . .
can you even imagine what that is? I can’t. I’m scared that I’m going to be in
agony forever. I’m so scared. At least I know what I need to do to make it all
go away for me here, on earth . . . all the pain . . . all the terror . . . all
the suffering for those I love.” Todd’s weeping increased. “I’m too much of a
coward to do it. Oh God, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.”
Lucy had learned to harden
her heart many years ago. It wasn’t too many who made their way through her
steel barrier. Todd was one of them. “Listen kid. I’m no one to give out
advice. My life is as fucked up as someone’s life can get. But if you got someone
out there that loves you and can help you, you should let them. It sounds like
your wife and kid really love you. Why don’t you go back to them and give them
a chance? Maybe if you do, life won’t seem like it’s got you by the balls.”
Todd thought about what she
said for a few moments. “I’ve done some really terrible things. I don’t deserve
their love or any kind of happiness.”
“Maybe you can make up for
what you did. See, I know that I can’t stop. I tried. I tried so many times.
It’s too late for me. Maybe it’s not too late for you. You’re so young. Your
kid can’t be that old. Sounds like your wife loves you.
Maybe you got some other family you can stay with while you work things out
with your wife,” Lucy suggested.
“You don’t understand!” Todd
protested. “I can’t ever make up for the things I’ve done and even if I could,
nothing will ever be okay for me. I was a mistake from the start. I’ve been
hated from the day I was born. It’s meant for me to suffer this way. There’s
nothing I can do to change it no matter how much I want to.”
“Todd, you know what you have
to do.”
Todd jumped when he heard the
voice. He immediately recognized Bitsy.
“Make up for what you’ve done
to women in your life, Todd. You need to be punished. Once you are then redemption
and forgiveness are possible. You can cleanse yourself of your sins and those
you love will be safe when they are with you and when you touch them. There
will be peace for you after you die. I’m trying to help you. You know what you
have to do. If I can forgive you then all of them will be able to forgive you.”
“Shut up, bitch!” Saber
bellowed. “Don’t listen to that forgiveness crap. There’s no forgiveness for
you no matter what you do. Be a man, you disgusting wimp. You know why I got
you free. You know what you have to do. Now do it! There are lots of ways here.
Go down into the subway and jump in front of a train. Get those pills from that
whore and go off and take them. Get to the top of one of these buildings and
jump. You want it, Todd. You know you do. It’s the only way to stop the pain
for you and everyone. You’ll be doing the world and yourself a huge favor. You
know what I’ll do to those you love. You know they’re not safe as long as
you’re alive.”
“NO!” Bitsy shouted at Saber.
“No! He doesn’t have to die. I’m not afraid of you anymore. He can make up for
what he’s done. He can figure out a way to save himself. God can forgive him
and love him. Once God loves him, it will be safe for those around him. He will
find the strength to face what he has to face. First he has to find away to
forgiveness.”
“He never will. There is no
forgiveness for him,” Saber declared loudly.
“You are afraid to give him
that chance Saber. You are afraid that he will find what you never could,”
Bitsy stated firmly.
Saber looked at her with
contempt and then turned to Todd. “Go ahead. You try to find forgiveness out
there. You try to find a way to keep those you love safe and stop the agony
you’re in and the agony you’ll face every time those memories come. You’ve got three
days. You never did appreciate me. I got you your freedom. I have the power,
Todd. Don’t you ever forget that and don’t you forget that either you bitch.
You’ve got three days to find what you’ve been looking for your whole fucking
life. If you don’t find it at the end of the third day, you will be man enough
to do what you have to do. You will not make me have to do it for you. If I do,
I’ll go back and make sure to take your precious Téa and Starr first. You can
get to see what I do to them before I take you.” Saber rubbed his temples. His
head was throbbing. He headed back to his room.
“Todd, you’ve done so many
terrible, vile and disgusting things in you life, but I do believe in
redemption. You need to cleanse your soul Todd. I believe you can do it. You
can find the way. Find what it is that makes everyone leave you. Find what
makes you want to hurt others. Find a way to feel love, Todd. I believe. I
believe you can do it.” Bitsy said softly before she too left Todd’s
consciousness.
Lucy looked on with a mixture
of shock, curiosity and horror as the young man she had been talking to began
talking to himself in different voices. She saw how
his face and body seemed to change with each voice. “What the hell is goin’ on with you? You okay,” she asked in a frightened
tone when Todd seemed to be back to himself.
“No! Don’t go!” Todd called
out to Bitsy. He did not hear or see Lucy. “Please! Tell me what I have to do.
Tell me how to fix it. Tell me how I have to be punished. What do I have to do
to make up for everything I’ve done? How do I find out what makes them all
leave? How do I find that monster in me and stop him once and for all? What do
I have to do to keep Téa, Starr and everyone safe? I want redemption. Please!
Please don’t leave me. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I swear! Just don’t
leave me. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me what to do. PLEASE! Oh God, please
don’t go away again. Help me.”
“Man, what the fuck is
happening to you? Who are you talking to?” Lucy was frightened.
Todd slid down against the
doorway. He hugged his knees and began to rock. “Please. I’m begging you. Don’t
go away. Help me. Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything to save them and have a
life with them. I’ll do anything to make it stop hurting. Please!”
Lucy knelt down next to Todd.
“Hey, come on. Don’t flip out on me. Okay? Maybe I can help you. Tell me what
you need help with. Let ol’ Lucy have a try. Come on
honey. You can’t act like this. They’re gonna lock
you up. Come on. Tell me what you need.”
Todd looked up at her; his
face was tear-stained. “I need to be forgiven. I need to find the way to punish
myself for everything I’ve done to all of them. I need to find . . . oh God . .
. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Maybe he’s right. Maybe the
only way out is to die. Maybe I should just be man enough to do it now and get
it over with.”
“Come on, sweetcheeks.
You don’t wanna die. You got that wife and kid to
think about. It’s too late for me, but you’re still a kid. You got any other
family besides your wife and kid?” Lucy asked.
Todd nodded. “I’ve got two
sisters . . . well . . . just one really . . . the other one can’t stand me.
I’ve got Sam. He’s kinda like my dad only he’s got a
real son that he loves way more than me. I got Doctor Hanen and the people at
the hospital. They’re not family but sometimes it feels like they are. I got an
ex-wife. She’s okay sometimes but I could never really trust her. I’ve got a
niece and a nephew that I love a lot, but I never get to see them. I got
another niece. I love her a lot and I think she likes me sometimes but she’s
far away and she’s hurt real bad and my sister is with her. Then there’s Kevin.
He hates my guts, but sometimes . . .” Todd’s voice trailed off.
“Sometimes
what?” Lucy pressed.
Todd shrugged. “Sometimes
it’s almost like he’s my friend.” Todd thought again for a moment. “Nah, he’s
like Bo and Nora. They’re all just pretending to like me and forgive me and be
my friend because Viki made them and because they think they have to be nice to
a crazy person. Blair set me straight about them.”
“It sounds to me like you got
a lot of people who love you and care about you. Why don’t you do the smart
thing and go back to them. Living on the street is no life for a guy like you.
Maybe once you get back you can get your head straight and get that wife and
kid of yours back.”
Todd thought for a moment. He
shook his head. “I can’t get any of them back. No one can fix what’s wrong with
me.” Todd thought for another few seconds. He heard Bitsy’s
words again. ‘You need to cleanse your
soul, Todd. I believe you can do it. You can find the way. Find what it is that
makes everyone leave you. Find what makes you want to hurt others. Find a way
to feel love, Todd. I believe. I believe you can do it.’ Calmness washed
over Todd. He had made his decision. He knew one way or the other his suffering
and the suffering he caused those he loved would be over at least on earth. “I
know what I have to do,” Todd said more to himself than to Lucy.
Lucy didn’t like the look in
his eyes. She was afraid for him. “You want me to call your family for you. I
can tell them that you really love them and need them. I’ll betcha
they’re all really worried and just waitin’ for you
to come back to them.”
“What?” Todd hadn’t heard a
word Lucy just said.
“I said if you want me to I
would call your family for you and tell them . . .”
“No!” Todd cut her off.
“Please. Promise me you won’t tell anyone you saw me. I can’t go back to them.
Not until I find a way to make everything all right . . . if there is a way . .
. if there is any forgiveness and redemption out there for me.”
“Man, it creeps
me out when people start talking about that kind of religious crap. I mean look
at this world. You think anything good could have made this mess? If there is
someone who created this stinking world he or she or it must really get off on
seeing things suffer.”
“Something evil might have
created me,” Todd agreed. “But I know only something good could have made Shorty, my little girl.”
Lucy thought about her son
for a moment. Tears welled up in her eyes again. She nodded her head in
agreement. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Maybe there is also something good out
there. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be able to find what you’re looking for and help
yourself.”
Todd looked into Lucy’s eyes.
“I have to go. Thank you. Thank you for everything.”
“I didn’t do nothing,” Lucy protested. “Not even what I first planned on doin’” she said with a smile.
“Can you tell me how I can
get in touch with you?” Todd asked. “I promise I won’t come around and bother
you.”
There was something about
Todd that Lucy trusted. She somehow felt a kindred spirit with him. She pulled
a pad and a pen out of her purse and wrote a phone number on it. She handed it
to Todd. “Anytime you wanna talk to ol’ Lucy you give me a call. I never bring my work home to
my apartment,” Lucy said and grinned. “So if I answer it means I can talk.”
“Thanks,” Todd said. “Can I
please have a couple blank sheets of paper?”
Lucy tore off several pages
and handed them to Todd. She didn’t ask why he wanted them. If he was planning
to write a suicide note, she didn’t want to know it.
“You take care,” Todd said softly.
“You too. You go back to that wife and kid of yours and to that
sister and those other people. It sounds like you got a good thing going. Don’t
blow it.”
Todd smiled sadly at Lucy. He
took her hand, squeezed it and then walked away.
Todd looked up at a street
sign. He got his bearings and headed back to Port Authority. He stopped at a
newsstand in the terminal. “Can I please borrow a pen for a few minutes?”
The owner pointed to some
small pencils near the Lotto cards. “You can use one of those.”
On one of the sheets of paper
Lucy had given him, Todd began to write a letter to Viki.
Hi
Sis,
Todd stopped. He couldn’t
find the words. Finally he began again. Unconsciously, Todd turned off his
emotions as best he could.
I
don’t know if you will ever find me. If you don’t it’s no big deal. I mean I
know you’ll feel bad a little if you never see me again and never know what
happened to me. I also know that you and Sam will get over it. You’ve got your
own kids, really good kids, to love. I’ve been nothing but a big pain in the
butt to you ever since you found out I was your brother and I’ve been a pain to
Sam even longer than that. Anyway, if things don’t work out and I never come
back to Llanview and you or someone does find me, I wanted all of you to know a
few things.
Viki,
my love is a curse so I’m not gonna
say that I love you. I just want you and Sam to know that I appreciate
everything you’ve done for me and that your real kids are very lucky to have
gotten you and Sam for a mom and dad. Please tell Sam not to feel bad and get
sick. Tell him I knew he did the best he could. I know that I wasn’t worth him taking
me home with him. I understand. Please don’t feel bad over anything that
happens to me. I deserve whatever does. It’s meant to be. It was meant to be
since I was born. Nothing you or anyone could have done would have changed it.
My mom and Victor knew what they were doing when they gave me away. It was just
my other mom, Barbara’s bad luck to get stuck with a son like me and a husband
like my dad. Just like it was Carol and Marty’s bad luck to
know me and Suede and Patrick’s bad luck, too.
Same
goes for Delgado, only more in some ways. She believes we could have this great
life together. At least I think she really believes that. Who knows? Maybe all
of you have told her to say that to humor the lunatic. God help Delgado if she
really does believe that I can make her happy. So far I’ve done nothing but
hurt her and disappoint her. I told her that’s what I do. I’ve told all of you.
I hurt and disappoint people. That is what I’m best at. It’s a talent I was
born with. Please watch out for Delgado. She needs a mom. Viki, maybe you can
be like a mom to her even if I’m not in the picture. Please tell Delgado that
I’m sorry that I love her because, like I said, I know my love is a curse and
that’s why her life has sucked so much since she met me.
Todd stopped writing for a
moment to wipe away the tears that stung his eyes.
Viki,
please stay close to Shorty. You let her know that I
didn’t leave her because she was bad or not worth loving. You let her know that
I left so that she’d grow up happy and safe. One thing I know for sure about
Blair is that she does love Shorty. So my little girl
will be safe. Please tell Shorty that I always knew
she was the smartest, most beautiful, nicest, most talented little girl in the
entire world. Please Viki. You make sure she grows up knowing her daddy thought
that about her.
Maybe
I can fix things and come back again. I don’t know. I don’t think so, but
maybe.
One
more thing, Viki, you’ll see a phone number on the other side of this paper.
It’s the number of a woman named Lucy. I met her in NYC. She’s a good woman.
Please get in touch with her and see if she needs anything like money or some
other kind of help or just someone nice like you to talk to.
Okay,
sis, I guess if you’re reading this we’ll never see each other again, not even
in heaven because there’s no heaven in my future. Probably even the devil
doesn’t want me. I hope Jessica and even Clint are okay by now. Tell Jess she
is still my favorite Buchanan. Tell Kevin I understand and he was right about
me all these years. Tell Bo and Nora the same thing.
I
wish only the best life for all of you. Please tell Delgado . . . never mind.
I’ll tell her myself. If you’re the one they contact, should someone find me,
please make sure Téa gets the letter I’m going to write to her.
Todd
He wanted to sign it, “Love
Todd,” but he couldn’t bring himself to curse those he loved with his final
words to them. He thought perhaps if he didn’t put it down on paper, no harm
would come to them. Delgado, Todd
thought as he saw Téa in his mind’s eye. He began his letter to her.
Dear Téa,
I’m sorry I’m writing this to you instead of having
the guts to say it in person. Then again we both know that you were always the
one with all the real guts in the family. If you see this then I guess I wasn’t
able to fix things. I want you to know that I tried. I know you thought we
could have this great life together. I wanted that. I wanted that more than
I’ve ever wanted anything. Delgado, I want you to know that. I guess it’s okay to tell you now that all that stuff about us being
together forever and having our own kids and growing old was something that
sounded real good to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you. I tried to tell
you that you could never have that with me. Stuff that good never happens to
me. It can’t, because I don’t deserve it.
I want you to find someone who’ll be good to
you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I wish I could have given
you everything that I wanted to, but I can’t and I probably never will. You
deserve someone who can be a part of your whole life, your friends, parties,
things like that, things I can’t do. You deserve someone good and decent, not
the town pariah. You deserve someone you can always be safe with and that is
not me. It never was and most likely never will be.
Oh, Delgado, I wanna be that
someone, but I don’t think I can ever get there. You always made everything
okay. You knew how to fix me. Only it never lasted. I’d always find some way to
screw everything up again. That’s me Téa . . . a screw up . . . a loser . . .
worse than that . . . a rapist . . . a monster . . . you never saw that when
you looked at me. Someday you will, if I stick around the way I am. I couldn’t
take that Delgado. I couldn’t take you seeing me the way everyone else does.
The only hope I ever felt was when I looked in your eyes. I know that you had hope too. We were both wrong. There is no hope for me unless
I can make things all right. I don’t think I can . . .
Todd stopped when the image
he had of Téa became so vivid it was as if she were standing there. He looked
into her eyes. He saw what he always saw, safety, hope, approval, and love.
Todd reached out a trembling hand. He wanted to feel the soft skin of her face
one more time. He drew his hand back when he realized Téa wasn’t really there.
Silent tears slid down Todd’s cheeks. He continued his letter.
It’s almost like you’re here Delgado. It’s almost like
you’re telling me everything’s gonna be all right.
That should tell you that I really am crazy. I wish I could write something
that would make you laugh. I love to hear you laugh. Your mouth and eyes light
up a room when you laugh. I guess I made you cry a lot more than I ever made
you laugh. Sorry. Sorry you were added to the long list of people I’ve caused
heartache and pain. If I had one wish it would be that all those dreams you had
for us could come true. I know they can’t. You deserve so much better than me.
Funny, it feels so much like you’re here with me. Don’t worry. I might be
loony, but I know you’re not really here. You’re far away from me and that’s
good. It means you’re safe.
I gotta ask you to do one
more thing Delgado. I know it’s something you’d wanna
do anyway. Stay close to Shorty. I know Blair will
give you a hard time about that. I also know that you’ll find a way. I want Shorty to have you in her life. She needs that. Blair loves
her, but I don’t want her growing up thinking all women are like Blair. I want
her to be more like you. Maybe someday when she finds out what her daddy really
was you can fix it so she doesn’t hate me too much. Maybe you can get my little
girl to see me through your eyes.
I hope I can find a way to make it so that you’re safe
around me and I can be the kind of husband, father and son I want to be . . .
the kind that you believe you see when you look at me. You think there really
is a substitute emergency card somewhere out there for me Delgado, or Second
Chance? I don’t. So this is probably the last thing I’ll ever get to say to
you. You once said we were on the same path. I wanted that to be true. God how I wanted that to be true. But now I know how wrong
that was. I don’t want you to be on the path that I’m on. It leads nowhere but
to hell. Everything in my mind is so confused and mixed up. The one thing I’m
straight about is that I want only good things for you. I wish there was a way
you could work that Delgado magic and
fix this . . . fix me . . . forever . . . make it stop hurting . . . you
can’t . . . no one can. I wish I could look into your eyes and hear you laugh
just one more time and feel your hand in mine just one more time. I know soon
you and everyone else will probably forget that I ever existed. But if you do
remember me, I hope it’s the way you’ve always seen me. That was who I wanted to
be, the person you saw.
Take good care of yourself, always,
Todd
Todd hated to end the letter.
He felt as long as he kept writing he still had Téa in his life.
“Selfish bastard,” Todd
mumbled about himself. He felt tremendous guilt for wishing Téa were really
there. In some ways it still felt as if she were. He prayed that if he couldn’t
fix things their connection would be broken forever.
Todd counted the money he had
left. He went to the ticket window. He discovered he had just enough money to
get where he needed to go. He’d have to walk quite a ways from where the bus
would drop him off, but it was okay. At least he knew that he’d finally be
heading to the one place where he might be able to fix everything . . . to the
one place where he might find the forgiveness and redemption he was looking
for.
TO BE CONTINUED
COPYRIGHT 2002 RS
This work of fiction is not
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are all
copyrighted by ABC Daytime. All material included in these pages
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"Fair Use Act".