PREVIOUSLY

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Téa and Viki looked on in horror as Todd lay on the floor clawing and slapping himself. He pounded the back of his head into the carpeted dayroom floor. He punched himself in the groin, hard. Todd’s body was writhing in agony as he screamed, “STOP! MAKE HER STOP. IT HURTS! HELP ME. MAKE HER STOOOOOP!”

It was clear that Todd was not trying to hurt himself. An alter was attacking him or forcing him to hurt himself. The staff acted quickly. They pulled Todd into a physical restraint.

“No!” a voice they had never heard before said. The voice was low and filled with anger and pain. Yet there was a pleading quality to it. It was evident that this alter was on a mission. “No! Don’t stop me. It has to be done. He has to be punished. He has to be punished for everything he’s done and everyone he’s hurt. I’m trying to help him. Don’t you see? I’m trying to help him find forgiveness. He’s evil. He’s a disgusting pervert. He needs to be punished for that. He’s a rapist. He does hideous things to women. He must be punished before he can be free to touch another woman. He has to know what it feels like. Let go of me. I’m trying to help him! I’m trying to help the child and the boy, too.”

“The child and boy?” Susannah inquired. “Which child and boy are you referring to?”

“I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me. You can hurt me. I deserve it. Let go of her. Let her punish me. I deserve it. I deserve it. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. You can hurt me. I’ll hurt me. Don’t leave me!” Todd cried out.

Those holding Todd could feel the difference as Todd and this alter switched.

“Todd,” Susannah said firmly, yet gently. “I want you to go inside. I want you to go to Papa. Goodone, please take Todd inside with you.”

Todd remained out. He continued to cry out and fight their hold. He begged to be punished. It was apparent that even when they couldn’t hear this alter, Todd could.

“You all said it wasn’t my fault. It is! She blames me. She wants to see me punished too.”

They recognized Ritchie’s voice.

“You must let go of us. You must allow them to pay the price for what they’ve done,” the newest alter to come out pleaded angrily.

“Tell us who you are?” Susannah asked.

There was no response other than Todd’s continued cries.

“All of you need to stop struggling. We are not going to allow you to hurt Todd or anyone or allow anyone to hurt himself. You are not doing Todd or Ritchie or yourself any good by continuing to fight us. You need to calm down,” Susannah tried reasoning.

“NO!” The alter cried out. “You have to. Todd is evil. They are all evil. It’s for their own good. God sent me to help them find forgiveness. Let go!”

“I don’t want to be here. Let me go back,” Ritchie pleaded.

“Your punishment is not over,” the female alter stated firmly.

Todd, Ritchie, and the female alter’s struggling increased. They all were able to hear each other. It seemed that Ritchie and Todd were beyond being able to hear the staff. They were certainly beyond being able to calm on their own if they could hear.

Susannah ordered heavy sedation.

Before Janet came back with the medication, they heard Andy’s voice. “I’m a bad boy. I’m a disgusting prewurt. You hate me. I’m gonna kill myself with the big knife. I’m gonna cut my boy parts off and then I won’t be able to be Daddy’s good boy no more and a disgusting prewurt no more.” Andy looked at the male techs that were helping to keep Todd’s body in the hold. “No! I don’t want you to! No! Let go! Mommy! Mommy! Don’t do stuff to me. Mommy! Mommy, don’t hate me. I’ll be good. I won’t touch myself no more. I’ll only be daddy’s good boy. Mommy, I’m sorry. I’ll stick the big knife in me so I’ll be dead and then I won’t be a bad boy no more! Let go! Mommy!”

“Andy, it’s Doctor Hanen. We’re holding you to keep you safe. No one is going to hurt you or do things to you. Relax. Shhhhh.”

Todd, Andy, Ritchie and the female alter continued to cry out and fight the hold.

Susannah knew that now, with Andy in the picture, medicating them just became more complicated. What would be needed to sufficiently calm Todd, Ritchie and this obvious adult female alter would be too strong for Andy to tolerate. Susannah didn’t tell Andy to go back inside. She knew he would interpret that as rejection and proof that he was disgusting and hated.

Suddenly Susannah realized what Todd, Ritchie and Andy all had in common. The pieces fell into place. Susannah had an idea who this alter was.

“Andy, is your mommy or someone who looks like your mommy here?” Susannah asked.

There was no response. Andy, like Todd and Ritchie, was beyond hearing her. They were all lost in their own agony.

When Janet came back with the medication, Susannah gave her orders for a medication that Andy could tolerate instead. She hoped would be enough to give Todd, Ritchie and the female alter some relief.

Viki and Téa both knew enough to stand by quietly and not interfere.

Janet returned with the medication. The staff rolled Todd and Janet injected him. Only Andy cried out when he felt the needle go in.

Soon Andy stopped struggling and crying. For a split second Todd’s body became limp in their arms and his eyes closed, as Andy fell into a deep sleep.

Todd’s eyes opened again. “You left us alone when you got drunk. You let him hurt us and you let him make us hurt you,” Ritchie argued. He was calm. His speech was slightly slurred and his eyes were half closed. The medication was having an effect on him.

Todd started to calm slightly. His breathing became heavier. He was still crying, whimpering and begging them to let him go so he could take his punishment. He received minimal benefit from the shot his body had been given.

The female alter continued to protest and struggle. The medication had little effect on her. She did seem to become more aware of her surroundings. She made eye contact with Susannah and some of the staff that was holding her. They saw fury and pain in her eyes.

“Can you tell us your name?” Susannah asked.

“Bitsy.”

Viki gasped when she heard this from where she stood watching.

“What? Who’s Bitsy?” Téa whispered anxiously.

“Bitsy was Barbara Manning’s nickname,” Viki whispered back. “This alter is or represents Todd’s mother.” Viki remembered the Victor alter that lived inside her. She remembered how he sought revenge on her and caused her to hurt herself. “She can be dangerous to Todd,” Viki added.

“Oh God,” Téa declared. She took Viki’s hand as the two women continued to watch, helpless to stop what was happening to Todd.

“Bitsy,” Susannah began. “I understand why you are very angry. Do you understand that it was Peter Manning who hurt Todd’s mother? It was not Todd, Andy or Ritchie.”

“It was! They are vile disgusting boys. God hates them for what they’ve done. He sent me to help them become good boys. I will. It’s my job.”

“Does God speak to you?” Susannah asked.

“Yes! He has instructed me. I know what I have to do. You should not interfere. They will continue to bring pain suffering and death to everyone they touch if they are not punished. They will burn in hell if they do not accept their punishment. Todd uses his body to hurt people. He must pay for that. The other two have used their bodies in a disgusting and perverted manner. They must all pay if they are to be saved.”

“Let her help me. I want her to forgive me,” Todd cried out weakly. “I’ll always hurt everyone I care about. Let her help me. Let go,” Todd begged.

“You are not repentant,” the female alter spoke angrily.

“I hate you,” they heard Ritchie’s voice. “Our mother was supposed to protect us. She was supposed to keep us from getting hurt. She left us. She left us every night and then she left us for good. She’s the one that should be punished!”

The rage that had been unleashed during Ritchie’s last session had apparently stayed with him. What he’d been told about everything he’d been forced to do not being his fault had stayed with him, too. This was a good thing. Ritchie was fighting back. What worried them about this was what Bitsy’s reaction would be to Ritchie’s attitude.

“There will never be peace for you if you do not accept your punishment. I don’t want to hurt you. I have to. It is his will. You are evil. I must break that evilness inside you. It is my job to save you along with the others,” Bitsy stated in a low, frightening tone. Her efforts to free herself from their hold increased. She was determined to carry through whatever punishment she had in store for Ritchie, and probably for Todd and Andy as well.

“Bitsy.” Susannah spoke firmly. “You need to calm down and stop trying to hurt the others and stop trying to get them to hurt themselves. They are not disobeying you. We will not allow you to hurt them. We will not allow them to hurt themselves. If you continue this way, we will be forced to place Todd’s body in restraints. If that happens, you will be in restraints too. I don’t think you want that.”

“I’m trying to help them,” Bitsy insisted.

“I know you are,” Susannah acknowledged. “This is not the way. We can talk about what you are feeling and you can hear how sorry Todd, Ritchie and Andy are for what happened. Peter Manning forced them. They did not want to hurt their mother. Todd is very sorry for the rapes. He has worked hard and he will never do that to another woman.”

“Todd wants to touch the young woman he loves. I’ve had to stop him several times before he hurt her. His touch will mean pain for her and anyone who is good and decent. He hurts women. That’s what he does. He hurt that young Saybrooke woman and Carol Swift. He wanted to rape that woman he was married to and he punched the woman he loves. It is time for him to face his punishment so he can love his wife without hurting her. Otherwise, she is doomed.” Bitsy explained wearily. Her struggling lessened. It was exhaustion from that struggle that was quieting her down more than the medication.

“Please! I don’t want to ever hurt Téa again. Please, I have to do what she says. I don’t want to hurt Téa,” Todd begged. His speech was becoming more slurred.

Téa started to go to Todd. Terry looked up and motioned her back.

“Bitsy,” Susannah began. “I promise you Todd will not hurt Téa or any other woman. Todd is working very hard in therapy. He has never hurt anyone the way he hurt Carol and Marty. He never hurt Téa again. Todd did not set out to hurt his mother. He was forced. He had no choice. He was a little boy. Peter was a physically strong adult.”

“Our mother should have protected us,” Ritchie repeated. His voice was very weak. The staff felt Todd’s body go limp in their arms for another moment.

“Ritchie?” Susannah called out. “Ritchie?” He was gone. It did not seem that he’d just fallen asleep. Susannah was worried.

 “I’m here to do the work of God,” Bitsy whispered. “Their souls need to be cleansed of evil. They will continue to bring pain and suffering to those they love and touch if I’m not allowed to help them.”

Todd looked around frantically. “No, no! Where is she? Where is she? She wanted to help me. She wanted to help me. What did you do? Oh God. She was going to help me so I’d never hurt Téa or anyone. Where is she?” Todd’s struggling increased.

“It’s going to be all right, Todd,” Susannah said soothingly. “You don’t deserve to be punished. None of you do. We’ll help Bitsy understand that.”

Todd sighed wearily. “What’s the use? No matter what I do or try, nothing will ever be right for me. It doesn’t matter. I’m cursed. I’m being punished for thinking things could get good. I never should have let myself think that. God hates me. Nothing will ever change that.” Todd stopped fighting the hold. It wasn’t so much that he was calming. It was more like he was giving up. Slowly, the staff each released their hold on him. Todd looked up at Susannah. “I’m so tired. Why am I so tired?”

“You were given some medication to help you calm down,” Susannah reminded him. “You’ve had a hard day too honey. How about we get you to your bed and you can sleep for a while?”

“Whatever,” Todd mumbled.

Jeff and Frank helped Todd up. He was unsteady on his feet. They each held onto one of his arms as they walked slowly.

Todd kept his head hung. When he passed Viki and Téa, he stopped. He walked over to Téa.

Téa saw tears brimming in Todd’s eyes. “Querido, it will be all right.”

Todd smiled sadly. His lips quivered as he tried to hold back the tears. He reached out his hand to touch Téa’s cheek. Before he made contact with her, he closed his hand and pulled it back. “I want so much to protect you. I never wanted it to touch you.”

Téa wanted to hold him. She knew he couldn’t tolerate that right now. “The only thing that has touched me is your love. Todd, please believe that.”

Téa looked into Todd’s eyes. She couldn’t find a trace of the hope that had been in those pain filled eyes less than half an hour ago. “Would you like me to stay with you until you fall asleep?” she asked. “I can sit by your bed. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

Todd wanted that. He wanted that desperately. His need to punish himself in some way was stronger. “No. You stay with Viki or go home or go to work or do whatever it is normal people do.” Todd turned to Frank. “Please get me to my room. I don’t feel good.”

“Sure buddy, let’s go,” Frank said gently. He and Jeff tightened their grip on Todd’s arms. He was weaker than he had been. With his head hung again, they half walked, half carried him to his bed.

Viki placed her arm around Téa’s shoulders. “Honey, you know Todd’s pattern is steps backward for each step forward. There are bound to be setbacks.”

A flash of the dream Téa had about Todd dying in her arms passed through her mind. Fear filled her being. Téa took a deep breath. The fear was replaced with anger. She faced Viki. “I’m not going to let Bitsy, Saber or anyone or anything else, take Todd away from me. I’ll face whatever or whoever comes along and I will deal with it. I don’t like losing. I’m not about to start with Todd.”

Viki saw the fierce determination in Téa’s face. She hugged the young woman to her. “I believe that. I never stop being thankful for the day you became firmly planted in Todd’s corner. He’s fought so hard all his life. When he becomes too tired to fight, he knows he can give up and rest for a little while because now he has you there to help him fight.”

Téa hugged Viki back. “He has all of us. Together we are stronger than everything Peter and Barbara Manning did to him.”

Viki’s eyes glazed with anger. “And my father . . . don’t leave him out. He’s the one who set all of this in motion. He’s the one who never gave Todd a chance. He condemned his own child to a life of agony.” Viki started to tremble.

Téa held her tightly. “They won’t win Viki, none of them will. Most of the time Todd’s strength is more powerful than all of ours put together. When it’s not, he has our strength to count on. Todd knows what you overcame. Whether he realizes it or not, you give him hope.”

Viki squeezed Téa’s hands. No further words were exchanged. The two women knew they would fight together with everything they had. They knew that was a lot. They were strong. They would be Todd’s wall of strength when his own defenses were down.

***********

Dorian rested her bag near the front door. She placed her keys and purse on a nearby table. She felt drained and shaken. Her mind had been going a mile a minute on the flight home and on the cab ride from the airport. The disclosures James Porter made were fresh in her mind. Dorian looked at her watch. It was only a little past six-thirty in the evening. She felt like she’d been gone for days.

“Welcome back, Mrs. Hayes,” one of the maids greeted Dorian. “We didn’t expect you back until tomorrow.”

“I was able to get my sister settled down. There was no point in staying overnight. Is Mr. Hayes home?” Dorian asked.

“No, he called and said he would be home around nine. He had to attend a press conference. It was something about the scandal that congressman is involved in.”

Dorian was relieved Mel would not be home for a while. She needed time to get herself together. Mel would know something was wrong.

“Would you like some dinner?” the maid asked.

“No, no thank you. I may have something later, when Mr. Hayes gets home. Have there been any messages for me?”

“No. No one’s called.”

“I’ll be in the library,” Dorian said wearily. “Please take my bag upstairs and unpack it.”

“Yes ma’am,” the maid answered and headed upstairs with the bag.

*********

Blair checked her hair and lipstick in the rear view mirror before she left her car with the valet. As soon as she walked into Club Indigo her eyes scanned the room for RJ. She spotted him talking to a couple seated at one of the tables closest to the bar.

Blair walked past the table, making sure RJ saw her. She continued on to the bar and sat on one of the stools.

“What can I get you?” Wendi the mixologist, as she liked to call herself, asked.

“I’ll have a white wine,” Blair answered. “Is RJ working behind the bar tonight too?”

“It’s early. He likes to shmooze with the customers when things are quiet,” Wendi replied.

Blair forced a smile. She wondered if that was all RJ was doing with her a couple of nights ago, schmoozing with a customer.

RJ had not come to the bar in the time it took Blair to finish her drink.

“Screw this,” Blair mumbled to herself. She threw some money on the bar and stood up, ready to leave.

“Leaving already,” RJ said, startling Blair.

She turned around to find him standing right behind her. “I came in for a drink. I had a drink. What reason would I have to stay?” Blair replied coldly. She couldn’t understand why she felt angry with RJ. After all, he was under no obligation to favor her over any other customer.

“Oh, I don’t know. I thought you might want to stay around and hear the new band that’s playing here tonight. They’re into the old Big Band classics, with a slightly new sound.”

“Maybe some other time. I’m not really in the mood for music tonight,” Blair responded.

“Now I am always in the mood for music, good music. If I’m feeling good, sometimes I want the music to make me feel even better. If I’m sad, I might listen to music that will make me feel sadder.”

“If you’re sad you want to feel worse?” Blair didn’t understand.

“Not worse, it just lends to the mood. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, if you have something to feel sad about . . . even if you don’t . . . sometimes it helps to just let yourself feel sad.”

Blair looked into RJ’s eyes.

“Now tonight, you look like you feel very sad, but want to feel anything but.”

Blair’s lips trembled. “It hasn’t been one of my better days,” she admitted.

RJ looked at his watch. “There are still a few hours of today left. Let’s see if we can change things.” RJ whispered something to Wendi. She smiled and left the bar.

A few moments later Blair heard the sound of the band.

“Ah, dancing to good music always helps to chase away those blues,” RJ said and smiled. He held his hand out. “May I have the honor of this dance Mrs. Manning?”

Blair was shocked at first. Then she graciously gave RJ her hand and allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. Blair couldn’t remember the last time she had danced with anyone. Then it came to her. It was with Todd, on the yacht, right after she sang to him and right before Carlo Hesser gave her proof that it was Todd who kidnapped Starr. No! Blair thought to herself. Not tonight. Not right now. She decided to push thoughts of Todd out of her mind for just these few minutes. Blair listened to the band singer as she and RJ danced slowly.

“Blue moon you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

Blue moon, you know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really do care for

And then suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked that moon had turned to gold

Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
 Without a love of my own”

Blair couldn’t help herself as tears slowly made their way down her cheeks.

RJ handed her his handkerchief. “Like I said, sometimes it’s okay to just let yourself be sad. Then it might be just as okay to let yourself find something that could put a smile back into your eyes. Those green eyes of yours should be smiling more often, Blair.”

“Maybe they should,” Blair agreed. She dabbed her eyes one more time. She handed the handkerchief back. “You are a wonderful dancer, RJ Gannon.”

“I’m always at my best when I have a good partner,” RJ stated.

Blair smiled. “I came here tonight to thank you for being so kind the other night. Now it looks like I may have to come back again to thank you for the kindness you showed me tonight.”

RJ returned Blair’s smile. “I’d like to tell you that no thanks are necessary. I only treated you the way you deserve to be treated . . . the way you should expect to be treated. I won’t tell you that. Then you might not come back to thank me for tonight.”

Blair laughed. “A lady always says thank you.”

Much to her surprise, Blair suddenly realized something. As old fashioned as it seemed, RJ did make her feel like a lady, at least what Blair’s idea of a lady was. He made her feel soft and feminine. He made her feel respected. That was something Blair never felt before. Max made her feel like he was doing her a favor by loving her. He also made her feel a little like what she thought of as ‘trailer trash.’ Mostly, he made her feel like a whore. Cord made her feel like she could never be good enough to be a part of his world. Todd made her feel like a queen in some ways. He made her feel loved in some ways. Yet she never felt respected. It always went back to that most pathetic, two losers thing that started their relationship. She knew that even at their closest that was the way Todd saw her. She pulled too much garbage on Todd for him to ever learn to feel any other way about her. Blair knew she was the one person Todd knew was no better than he.

“And a gentleman always reciprocates. I’d like to thank you for this dance and for brightening up my club and my evening. Unfortunately, whenever I’m here, it’s a working night for me. Some night, would you like to go somewhere where neither of us is on duty?”

Blair smiled coquettishly. “RJ Gannon, are you asking me out on a date?”

“That depends?”

“Depends on what?” Blair played along.

“If you’ll go out on a date with me, then yes, I am asking you out on a date. If you are not ready for that, then I am asking you to share a meal, perhaps a movie, or some more good music, with someone who could just use some good company.”

Blair thought for a few seconds. “I wouldn’t feel right going out on a date. Things are unsettled.” Despite his attempt at keeping things light, Blair could see disappointment in RJ’s eyes. “I don’t see anything wrong with two people keeping each other company. I think that would be nice.”

RJ smiled. He knew Blair’s emotional attachments to Todd were still strong. He appreciated that. All he wanted right now was companionship. Life had been lonely and without excitement for him since Jakara left Llanview. “How about I call you in a few days and we can take it from there?”

Blair nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.” After an awkward pause, Blair said, “I’d better be going. I like to help Starr with her homework, although she’s already smarter than I am.”

“Then your little girl must be at the top of her class,” RJ commented.

Blair laughed. “Actually she is.”

“Is your car outside?” RJ asked.

“I couldn’t get a space nearby. The valet has to get it for me.”

“It’s a beautiful night. I’d like to get a little fresh air. May I wait with you?”

“Why yes you may, Mr. Gannon,” Blair replied, exaggerating her southern accent. Both she and RJ laughed. RJ made Blair feel like some of the southern belles she read about as a child.

Before Blair and RJ had a chance to leave, Rachel and Kevin walked up to them. RJ was happy to see that they seemed to have made up. Rachel had been in an awful mood the past couple of weeks.

“How’s my favorite uncle?” Rachel asked lovingly. She kissed RJ’s cheek.

“You mean your only uncle,” RJ kidded her.

“RJ,” Kevin nodded a greeting to Rachel’s uncle. “Blair, I’m surprised to see you here,” Kevin said with an edge of accusation in his voice.

Blair turned to Kevin. Her eyes blazed with anger. “And why is that, Kevin!”

Kevin shrugged. “No reason. I just haven’t seen you out much in the past few months.”

“I stopped in for a glass of wine on my way home from the paper. Is that so shocking?”

“I didn’t say I was shocked,” Kevin responded with a smirk on his face

Blair returned the smirk. “I’m surprised you’re not at the hospital, hovering around Téa . . . oh excuse me. I meant to say Viki.” Blair turned to Rachel. “That wine went right to my head.”

Rachel glared at Blair for a second before she turned back to Kevin. “I’m going to freshen up.” She left for the restroom.

“See you around, Blair. I’m sure,” Kevin added sarcastically. He headed for his table.

“Always a pleasure, Kevin,” Blair called after him, just as sarcastically.

Wendi tapped RJ on the shoulder. “The two guys at table four want to talk to you about throwing a bachelor party here next month.”

“Please tell them I needed to leave and I’ll be with them in about fifteen minutes.”

“No, Wendi. You tell them Mr. Gannon will be right with them.” Blair faced RJ. “You take care of your customers. I need to freshen up a bit myself before I leave.”

As soon as RJ walked away, Blair rushed to the restroom. When she walked inside, Rachel was fixing her hair. Blair pretended to fix her own.

“So, are you and Kevin dating again?” Blair asked Rachel.

Rachel gave Blair a ‘What the hell business is it of yours’ look, as the two women stared at each other in the mirror. However, she answered her politely. “Kevin and I are out on a date.” She emphasized ‘a.’

“Oh.” Blair feigned surprise. “That must be a little awkward?”

Rachel turned away from the mirror and faced Blair. “Why would that be awkward?”

Trying to sound innocent, Blair answered, “I just meant with you and Téa being best friends . . . you are still best friends with Téa?”

“Téa and I are very good friends. Why would that make either of us feel awkward?”

Blair forced her most earnest look. “Rachel, you’re a very nice person. I know how good you were with Adam. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Why would I get hurt? All right Blair. You’re obviously trying to tell me something. Why don’t you just spit it out?”

“I wouldn’t get too involved with Kevin if I were you, unless Téa has you helping out as a beard?”

“A beard? What the hell are you talking about?”

“That’s someone who poses as a romantic interest of someone to throw the world off, so they won’t know whom that person is really involved with.”

“I know what a beard is! For God sake Blair, are you out of your mind? Téa practically lives at the hospital. She would give her life for Todd. Kevin and Téa have no romantic feelings for each other.”

“I know you want to believe that.”

“I believe it because it’s true.”

“Kevin and Téa have had some pretty hot times together. You do know that?”

“That is ancient history,” Rachel stated firmly.

“More like current events,” Blair retorted.

Rachel stared at her for a few seconds. “If you have something to say about Kevin and Téa, why don’t you just come out and say it.” Rachel remembered her own suspicions. She had since written them off as ridiculous. Now Blair made her once again wonder about their validity.

Blair was not about to let Rachel know about the pictures she had or the suspicious things she had seen. “I’ve heard some things. Look, Rachel, I have nothing against you. I’m just telling you to watch your back where your best girlfriend and your date are concerned.” Blair emphasized the word date.

Rachel retrieved her purse from the vanity. She faced Blair. Her expression was one of outrage. “Thank you for the warning. Next time why don’t you keep your paranoid suspicions to yourself?” Rachel pushed the door opened angrily and left the restroom.

“Just trying to help you, sweetie,” Blair called out after her. Blair looked in the mirror and smiled to herself.

***********

After Todd had been taken to his room, Viki persuaded Téa to go back to her hotel room. She promised she or the staff would call her immediately if Todd wanted to see her. Téa protested at first. She turned back twice after she brought herself to leave, once when she got to the elevator and again as she neared the door to the street. Finally she realized Viki was right. Todd needed some space right now. She would give it to him.

***********

Sam was lying on his bed, face up, staring into space, when Viki got back to the lounge. She told him about everything that happened after he left. She expected a more volatile reaction when she told him about Bitsy. Other than wincing when he heard, Sam didn’t move a muscle. He continued to stare into space. Viki sat on the edge of Sam’s bed and told him about the Victor alter that lived inside of her. She hoped it would help him understand. Sam’s eyes filled with tears. He reached out and stroked Viki’s cheek. Viki squeezed his hand. He looked into her eyes and then went back to staring into space.

After another ten minutes had passed, Sam got up and announced he was going for a walk. As always, he turned down Viki’s offer to go with him.

*********

Todd fell asleep as soon as he was brought to his bed. His sleep was sound for nearly three hours. He didn’t feel the staff giving him his medication or a feeding through his PEG tube. Now his sleep was becoming restless. He seemed to be having another nightmare.

***********

Susannah checked on Todd before she left for the night. He had been sleeping soundly. She headed home to take care of some of the paperwork of day to day living that she usually put off until the last minute, things like paying her utility bills, insurance payments, going over her bank statement and balancing her checking account. She started with her utility bills and made it to the insurance information when she knew that she couldn’t concentrate. She put all her papers aside. Instead she sat down to write some notes to add to Todd’s treatment plan, now that Bitsy had surfaced and Todd’s co-consciousness with Pete had occurred.

Susannah had been working on her notes for about twenty minutes when her doorbell rang. She thought it might be Bill. He told her he was staying home to put down some flooring in the basement. She thought perhaps he changed his mind. Susannah was shocked to see Sam standing outside her door.

“I-I’m sorry to just drop by. I . . . if this is a bad time . . . I shouldn’t have come to your home,” Sam mumbled.

“Sam, it’s all right. Come on in. If you need to speak with me then I’m happy you came over.”

Sam walked inside. He stood still. He felt awkward.

“Please, sit down wherever you like. Would you like something to eat or drink?”

Sam shook his head.

Susannah motioned to the couch and chairs in the living room. “Let’s sit down,” she tried again. She sensed Sam’s discomfort. He seemed confused as well. Susannah knew if something had happened with Todd, she would have been called. She assumed it was something else.

Sam lowered his body to one of the chairs as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

Susannah sat on the couch. She waited for Sam to speak.

“I heard what you said to Pete. I knew you couldn’t see me standing there from where you were. You could have turned him against me, but you didn’t.”

“Why do you think I’d want to turn him against you?” Susannah asked gently.

Sam looked into Susannah’s eyes. He prayed some of his old instinct, to recognize a lie from the truth, would still be there. Then he thought, maybe it was never there to begin with. “Are you trying to keep Todd sick out of revenge for what he did to Nora or because the Buchanan’s are paying you?”

Susannah was not surprised that Sam was thinking this. She looked directly into his eyes. “No, I’m not.”

Sam looked away.

Susannah could see he was trying to decide if he could trust his judgment in her honesty. Susannah rested her hand on Sam’s forearm. “Sam, I’ve had many patients in my career. I’ve cared about all of them. Some of them have been special to me. It’s like that. Some patients just get to you more than others. I’ve never had a patient get to me the way Todd has. I would no more harm him than I would my own child, if I had one.”

Sam continued to look into Susannah’s eyes for several seconds. He saw only truth in them. He saw love for Todd when Susannah spoke of him. Sam’s mind flashed back to a night that had occurred months before, on New Years Eve. He remembered the special date Susannah had set up so he and Viki could bring in "1999" in style. More that that, he remembered walking in to Todd’s room sometime after one in the morning and seeing Susannah sitting on the bed, sound asleep, with Timmy, also sound asleep, snuggled contently in her arms. Sam remembered all the nights Susannah sat in a chair next to Todd’s bed when he was physically ill or in a crisis. He remembered her fierce determination to keep the Chicago police from finding out about Michelle until Todd could be cleared of any kind of blame in her murder. He remembered Susannah’s offer . . . if they needed to hide Todd, she would help and be there for him.

Sam’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry.”

Susannah took his hand. It was as cold as Todd’s hands could get when he was frightened. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’d rather you ask me what you did than have you wonder about it. I think you know it’s a good thing to talk about what you’re feeling. I’m very happy that you felt you could come to me and ask.”

“Things are . . . I’ve made so many mistakes . . . I . . . I used to trust my instincts . . . they were so wrong . . . Todd was being tortured day and night and I didn’t see it. I didn’t let myself see it. My kids were turning out to be selfish, self-centered brats. They were growing to hate both their mother and me. I missed that, too. How can I trust myself to know what’s true?”

“It’s not always easy. There are times when we all use bad judgment. Todd never came out and told you he was being abused. You had young children of your own. Sam, it was not a cut and dry situation. You did what you thought was right. For more than six years you were the only one Todd had in his life, outside his system, who loved him. You are the closest thing Todd had to a real dad. Don’t discount that. Goodone learned to be such a good father to Todd from somewhere. Todd learned to be a good father to Starr, too. I believe things would have turned out worse for Todd if you had not been in his life.”

“I could have saved him six more years of torture. I could have kept Michelle from being murdered. If I had taken Todd out of his home, that night wouldn’t have happened.”

Susannah saw the agony of guilt in Sam’s eyes. “Sam, you knew Peter Manning. It’s possible that he would have backed down once someone knew. It’s possible he would have allowed you to take Todd. I don’t think it was probable. I believe a more likely scenario would have been that Peter would have used his power and influence to make it look like you were doing something illegal. Peter’s income was being greatly supplemented by raising Todd. He was also driven by his needs to do the sick things he did. Who knows what might have happened if he knew you were on to him and you were trying to take Todd. If you tried and failed, things might have been worse for Todd than they were, much worse. If Peter felt threatened enough, he might have forgone his income and killed Todd. He came close to it with Lisa and Sarah, when he felt Todd betrayed him by finding his mother and going to her.”

“I . . .” Sam’s lips trembled. “I’ve made such a mess of things. What if I go to prison? Todd and the others will think I abandoned them. Viki will be left alone. Oh God. What have I done? What have I done?” Sam covered his face with his hands and wept into them. His shoulders shook.

Susannah knelt in front of Sam’s chair and took him in her arms and held him tightly. She gave him silent comfort.

*************

SECRETS

PART 2

“Todd. Todd. Come on buddy. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream. Todd,” Dave called out. He shook Todd gently.

Todd sat up with a start. He was gasping for breath.

“Okay, Todd. You’re safe. You’re in your own bed in your own room.”

Todd looked around in an obvious state of panic.

“It’s Dave. Connie is here and Carl is here, too. You’re safe, Todd. You were having a dream.”

Finally, Todd was able to make eye contact. “Dave?”

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me. Everything’s all right.”

Todd curled up on his side. He brought his knees to his chest. “Nothing is all right. It never has been and it never will be.”

“Would you like to talk about your dream?” Connie asked.

“No! Leave me alone!” Todd’s voice was muffled by the pillow.

“It helps if you talk about your dreams,” Carl pointed out.

“Nothing helps. Go away!”

“Carl and I will leave. Dave is going to sit by your bed. Try to get back to sleep” Connie suggested.

Todd gave no response.

“Okay, hon, you let Dave know if you need anything,” Connie said gently.

Even though Todd’s eyes were closed, Dave could tell he was not sleeping. He saw how tense Todd’s shoulders were. He saw torment on his face. He knew thoughts were flying through Todd’s mind.

Twenty minutes had passed since Todd lay silently curled up on his side when he pounded his fists into this head and cried out, “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

Dave grabbed Todd’s wrists. “No hurting yourself Todd.”

“Let go!” Todd demanded.

“Are you in control?” Dave asked.

“Yes! I’m in goddamn control! Now let go of me!”

“Okay, I’m going to trust your word buddy.” Dave let go of Todd’s wrists.

Todd sat up. He pulled himself up to the headboard and once again brought his knees to his chest. He rested his cheek on them.

“Good job staying in control,” Dave praised.

Todd raised his head. He took a deep breath through his nose. He let it out slowly. Some of the tension left his body. He rested his cheek on his knees again.

“Can you tell me what is so stupid?” Dave asked.

“I am.”

“In what way do you think you’re stupid?” Dave pressed.

“I let it make a fool out of me again,” Todd said softly

“Let what make a fool out of you?”

“Life . . . fate . . . God . . . whatever.”

“In what way did it make a fool out of you?” Dave asked.

“I started to believe. I felt hope. I’ll bet I give God a real good laugh. I’m probably his fucking court jester.”

“What was it you felt hopeful about?” Dave pushed.

Todd shrugged. “Me. Me getting better, me and Téa.” Todd laughed at the irony he believed existed. “Just my suffering isn’t enough for God anymore, that greedy insatiable bastard. He has to make sure I take Téa along for the ride. She has to end up feeling like a fool, too!”

“How will Téa feel like a fool?”

“She’s got all this hope. She’s got dreams. She made a choice and it’s like the worst choice of her life. It’s a King Kong size worst choice. She almost got away. She left me . . . I mean really left me . . . once. She hired Nora to be her lawyer and everything. Then I talked her into coming back to me. I talked her into giving me four more weeks. God!” Tears welled up in Todd’s eyes. “She almost got away from me the way my mom did. I never should have made her come back to me. I should have let her go. Maybe Bible Boy would have turned into her choice if I just let her go.”

“Todd,” Dave began. “I’ve known Téa for many months now. She does not seem to be someone who is talked into things. If she came back to you, my guess is it was more because she wanted to and very much less you asking her.”

“She came back to get a divorce. It was the only way I would let her have one,” Todd explained.

“Did she ever try to get that divorce?” Dave asked.

Todd shook his head. “Nah., Andrew and I got into this big fight and Téa clobbered him to get him off of me. I left, and before I did I told her if she wanted Andrew she shouldn’t be there when I got back.”

“And she was there when you got home,” Dave guessed.

“Yeah,” Todd whispered. “I walked in and I was sure she left with Andrew.” Todd stared into space as he spoke. “I was so scared. It felt like when I came home from school and my mom was gone. I was afraid all that would be left of Téa would be a note, if that. If she wasn’t there then all Shorty and I had was this big place to live in. With Téa gone everything would be gone with her . . . hopes . . . dreams . . . a real family . . . safety . . . love . . . someone who always knows the right thing to do . . . Delgado is all those things.”

Dave noticed how Todd’s voice cracked with emotion when he referred to Téa as ‘Delgado.’ Todd was trying to keep himself from feeling. Then the love and respect that Todd already had in his voice and eyes when he spoke of Téa increased tenfold as he thought of her in this special way . . . his Delgado.

Todd looked pensive. “Téa gives all those things and gets nothing back. Okay, she gets Shorty’s love back and that’s worth everything . . . but she gets nothing from me. I’m this worthless piece of garbage that she found in the trash. She thinks she can turn it into something good and one of these days she's gonna realize that no matter what she does, garbage is garbage, and it will never be anything except garbage. That is if something terrible doesn’t happen to her before she realizes it.”

“What made the hope you were feeling go away?” Dave asked.

“I got my brain back,” Todd snapped.

“Was it hearing and seeing Bitsy?”

Todd slid down. He lay on his back. He turned his face away from Dave. “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

“Did Bitsy frighten you?”

“I shouldn’t have fought her. She was right. She knew what I needed.”

“You believe she was right about trying to get you to hurt yourself?”

Todd closed his eyes tightly. “I have to be punished.”

“Can you explain to me why you have to be punished for what your father forced you to do?”

“I’m the one who did it! It doesn’t matter if I was forced. I forced Powell to rape Marty, but he still did it! I remember telling him that. I remember hating Nora and Kevin and everyone because all they did was blame me, but he did it! I didn’t hold a gun to his head.”

Dave thought for a moment. “Todd, you’re very close to your sister Tina’s children, right?”

Todd looked at Dave with a puzzled expression on his face. “Yeah, so what?”

“From what I understand you spent a lot of time alone with them, even before you knew they were your niece and nephew.”

“Yeah. I was on the run from Statesville. I hid in an old shed and pretended I was their genie. I lied to them and I used them to get stuff for me and to help me get Rebecca back. I did that to two little kids. What d'you think of me now?” It was clear Todd was testing Dave by daring him to still like him after this disclosure.

“I think you were a young man who was terrified of going back to a place where you were horribly abused. I think you wanted to be with someone you loved.”

Todd looked confused. “But I used two little kids.”

“Did you hurt them?”

Todd thought for a minute. “They must have felt hurt by being lied to and used.”

“Did they act like you hurt them? Did they seem angry with you at any time?”

Todd shook his head.

“Kids tend to respond to genuine emotion. It sounds to me like they felt you really cared about them and they loved you for it.”

“I do love them,” Todd whispered.

“Todd, if CJ hurt his mom because an adult forced him to, by threatening him that she’d be hurt worse if he didn’t and told him he’d be hurt too, would that be the same as Powell allowing himself to be bullied into raping Marty?”

Todd thought for a minute. Finally he shrugged. “I don’t think so.”

“How is it different?”

Todd sighed. “Because CJ is just a kid. How could he stop an adult from hurting his mom worse? He had to do what he said. Powell could have walked out of that room. So he would have felt embarrassed if Zack and I made fun of him. It’s not the same as  . . .” Todd stopped talking.

“Todd,” Dave said gently. “You were younger and smaller than CJ when your dad started abusing you and forcing you to do things to your mom. You were still a little boy when your mom left. What could you have done to stop what happened?”

Tears filled Todd’s eyes and slid down his cheeks. “I don’t know! I should have been able to stop it. I should have been able to keep myself from raping Marty. I almost raped Blair. How do I know I won’t use that part of me to hurt Téa? I hate it. I hate it! She’s right! I should cut it off.”

“Is that one of the things Bitsy was telling you to do?” Dave asked.

Todd looked away in embarrassment. He nodded slowly.

“Your penis is just a body part. It’s no different from an arm or leg. Your father was a sick man. Parts of his brain became sick, possibly from abuse that he suffered as a child and young man. It was those sick parts that abused you and drove him to molest his wife, using you to do it. It was rage and feelings of loss of power and control in you . . . in your mind . . . because of the terrible abuse you suffered . . . that drove you to rape Marty, not your penis. Do you ever feel like you want to hurt Téa?”

“No! Oh God. I never want to hurt Téa.”

“Have you ever thought about hurting her?”

“I’ve thought about all the ways I have hurt her,” Todd responded.

“No, I mean do you think about wanting to hurt her, do you plan ways of hurting her?”

Todd looked shocked. “No,” he whispered.

“Todd, it would be your mind that would make you want to hurt Téa, not your penis or any other part of your body.”

“But I . . . I feel . . . I mean sometimes when I’m near Delgado . . . like when we kiss . . . like . . .” Todd squeezed his eyes shut again. “Never mind.”

“You sometimes feel sexually aroused when you’re near Téa or when you kiss each other?” Dave verbalized what Todd couldn’t.

Todd looked into Dave’s eyes for a split second and quickly looked away. He nodded again.

“That is a very normal reaction. It seems to frighten you. Can you tell me why?”

Todd pounded his fist into the mattress. “Because sometimes my dick got hard when I was doing things to my mom, too. It got hard when I raped Marty and Carol. It got hard when my dad was doing things to me. I remember that part now.” Todd pressed his palms into the sides of his head. “I want it to go away! I hate remembering! I don’t wanna see the pictures. I see what he did to that little boy. I see what he did to that older kid. He did stuff to them and it’s like it’s to me at the same time. I don’t know what I’m seeing or remembering or what’s real. I want it to stop. I hate this therapy crap. It makes the pictures and noise in my head worse.”

“Therapy helps the memories come back and helps you to have more co-consciousness with your alters. You are starting to share their memories with them and it’s painful,” Dave restated.

“I don’t wanna hear about that alter crap! I’m telling you that it’s me! I’m evil. I’m disgusting and I’m the one who can hurt everyone, especially Téa. Maybe some of them can, too. Separate from me. I thought there were just a couple of them but God knows how many are running around.”

Todd’s thoughts were all over the place. The past couple of days had released many memories and many issues.

“Do you want to learn more about your alters?” Dave offered.

“No! I want you to shut the hell up about them. Probably none of that alter crap is real anyway. You’re all either trying to make me crazy or you’re trying to give me an excuse for the things I did so I won’t hate myself.”

“All right,” Dave agreed. “Let’s get back to you becoming sexually aroused when you are physically close to Téa,” Dave tried to focus Todd on one issue. “You think because you became aroused while your father was abusing you and because you used your penis to hurt Marty and Carol that you will hurt Téa if you become sexually aroused with her?”

“I don’t think it. I KNOW it.”

“Todd do you understand how our bodies’ work, from a biological standpoint?”

“Huh?”

Dave didn’t expect to do sexual education with Todd during the night, but the time seemed right. He would put things in terms Todd would understand and use terminology that his patient used. “What do you think makes a man’s dick get hard?”

Todd looked perplexed. He couldn’t believe Dave was talking about this with him. “When a good guy is turned on and when someone like me wants to hurt someone,” Todd stated. There was no sarcasm. It was clear Todd believed this.

“Do you know what makes it happen, physically?”

It was apparent from the look on Todd’s face that he was bewildered.

Dave explained, in detail, about the connection between the nerve endings and the brain. He explained, step by step, what happens when sexual organs are physically stimulated. Dave knew that as each alter that was sexually abused became ready, these steps would have to be taken over and over again, on a level each of them could understand. The sexual education might have to be done several times with each of them, including Todd, before they could understand it, in the case of some of the children, or before they would allow themselves to believe it, in the case of Todd and many of the older children and adult alters.

Todd listened quietly. He replied, “No,” when Dave asked him, each step of the way, if he had any questions.

“Todd,” Dave asked when he finished. “Do you understand why you and some of the children or the older boy you saw sometimes became aroused when your father touched you or forced you to touch your mom?”

“That’s really the way everyone’s body works, not just mine because I’m evil?”

“Unless there is something physically wrong with a person, like some kind of nerve damage, yes that is the way everyone’s body works.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s that way for regular people. Maybe I’m just evil and disgusting. How can I take a chance with Téa? It was different with Blair. I was scared but I never felt like I could hurt her. She’s bad, like me. Delgado . . . she’s . . . she’s like this honest and good thing that came into my life. She didn’t pretend. My mom always said she loved me and thought I was good and smart, but she didn’t really mean it. She was just trying to make me feel good until she couldn’t stand it any more and left. Blair, she did nothing but lie to me. It wasn’t even to make me feel good. It was because she wanted my money. She kept saying our relationship was special because it was built on honesty and all the time she said it, she was lying to me. Then we worked things out and I thought all the lies were over, but when I came back from Ireland, she was still lying to me. Then when I met Delgado . . . she  . . . she was so different . . . she didn’t lie to me . . . she’s so smart . . . she uses all these great words . . . she’s really good with words. She doesn’t wear a mask. She always lets me know what she’s thinking. Blair wore a mask. I never knew where I stood with her. Rebecca tried not to wear a mask, but sometimes she became scared and she did. Not Delgado.” Todd smiled. “When we got married it was only supposed to be a business arrangement so I could get custody of Starr. I gave her five million dollars to marry me. I wanted it to look real so I gave her this really expensive ring. One of the first things she asked when she saw it was if the ring was gonna come out of her five million.” Todd laughed at the memory.

Dave laughed too. He could tell how much Todd admired Téa for being honest that way. It was a small thing, but it let Todd know he could trust Téa right from the start.

Todd looked at Dave. “You see what I mean about Delgado? She’s up front about everything. She’s right in your face saying the truth. She can go at people with the best of them and then she’ll turn around and have compassion for them, like she did for Kelly Cramer or even Blair. She’ll hurt someone if she has to, but she does’t get off on it the way I do, or the way Blair does. Delgado’s human. I’m not. I’ll hurt her. I won’t mean to. I won’t want to. I won’t think about doing it. It’ll just happen. It’s happened before. I don’t think I can take it if it happens again.”

“You know that it’s safe to see Téa while you’re here. We wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. The odds are you won’t be afraid of hurting her by the time you’re ready to leave the hospital,” Dave explained.

“What if I’m never ready? All of you think you can cure away my being crazy. What if it’s not that I’m crazy, but that I really am evil? You can’t cure that away.”

“We know that you’re not evil. You’re not crazy either. Todd, there is not staff member here who doesn’t know that for a fact. Your family, including Téa, knows that. Bo and Nora Buchanan and Nora’s daughter knows that. I understand trust is hard for you. Do you think you can trust our word on it until you can believe it yourself?”

“You mean let myself be a fool again and buy into this hope crap?”

“I mean believe this hope crap to give yourself and those that love you a chance. When you give up on your dream for a life with them, you’re giving up on their dream for a life with you, too.”

Todd thought for a while. He looked into Dave’s eyes. “I’m scared.”

“I know you are, buddy. What you have to do is very, very difficult and painful. I’d be scared, too.”

“What if she’s right . . . the one who talked to me today?” Todd did not use the word alter or call Bitsy by name. “What if the only thing that will save me and make it safe for Téa to be around me is if I’m punished?”

“The woman you heard today . . . you heard her say she was trying to help you, right?” Dave had read that in Todd’s chart.

Todd nodded.

“So she cares about you enough to want to help you. That must mean she thinks you’re worth helping and worth saving. If she truly thought you were evil or a lost cause she wouldn’t try to help you, would she?”

“I-I don’t . . . I guess not,” Todd admitted.

“So she does think you’re worth helping. She just doesn’t understand, the way you didn’t. She’s confused about the best way to help you. We’ll work with her and help her understand. Once she does, I don’t believe she will still want you to hurt yourself.”

“That woman, she looked like my mom,” Todd stated in a monotone. He was quiet for a few moments. “Maybe she has good reason to want to see me punished.” Todd’s head drooped for a moment.

His eyes opened and widened with fear at the sight of Dave.

Dave was able to catch him by the arm and call for assistance before he dived under the bed.

“No! I’m only supposed to be Daddy’s good boy. Let go! Mommy! Mommy! I won’t let you do stuff to me. Daddy says it only belongs to him! Mommy, help me. I won’t be disgusting anymore. Mommy! I’m sorry. Mommy, I hate you! I hate you! You lie to me. You don’t really help me.”

Dave sat in back of Andy. He anchored Andy’s arms at his waist. Female staff stayed where Andy could see them. Gwen and Marcia held his legs. Connie stabilized his head and did communication. Luckily for all of them Andy, like most of the child alters, did not have much strength.

“Andy, it’s Connie. Your daddy and mommy aren’t here. No one is going to hurt you or make you do things you don’t want to do. You’re in your hospital room and you’re safe. I promise.”

“I want the big knife,” Andy cried. “I’m gonna cut off my boy parts and then I’m gonna cut off my tongue and then I’m gonna cut off my head and I’ll be dead. Then I’m gonna run away to the moon on my bicycle.”

“Why do you want to hurt yourself like that?” Connie asked.

“So I can’t be Daddy’s good boy and I can’t be a disgusting prewurt and Mommy won’t hate me and lie to me and fight loud with Daddy and I won’t get sent away and everybody will stop hating me.” Andy began to weep so hard he couldn’t talk anymore. He stopped struggling. His body was nearly limp.

Connie made eye contact with Dave. He understood. He released his hold on Andy and gently guided him into Connie’s arms. She held him in a tight hug.

“Andy.” Connie rocked him as she spoke to him soothingly. “No one hates you honey. Everyone loves you. Your mommy didn’t hate you. She was very angry with your daddy, not with you. Mommy understood that it was your daddy who forced you to do things. If Mommy and Daddy had loud fights it was because Mommy wanted Daddy to stop hurting you. She knew it was his fault. No one wants you to be hurt or dead. My goodness, we’d all be so sad if you were hurt or dead. It would be the saddest thing in the world.”

Andy’s crying softened. He looked into Connie’s eyes. “Is Viki still my sister?”

Connie smiled and squeezed him to her gently. “Viki is still your sister. She will always be your sister.”

“Am I still gonna get to live with her and Sam and not have to live with Mommy and Daddy anymore.”

“Yes you are. Viki and Sam want that so much. I think the day you can go home to live with them will be the happiest day of their lives.” Connie knew after being lied to so often, Andy had little trust in anyone’s word. He needed constant reassurance.

Andy rested his head on Connie’s shoulder and whispered, “Bitsy’s gonna punish me. I’m scared.”

This concerned Connie very much. They could protect Andy while he was out. They didn’t know if Bitsy could harm him while they were inside. She did not want to make any promises to Andy that could not be kept.

Connie stroked Andy’s head. “We’ll try our very best to keep Bitsy from hurting you.” Connie hoped Bitsy could hear her. “I think Bitsy really loves you. She thinks punishing you or making you punish yourself is the right thing to do for you. I also think that if she’ll talk to us some more she’ll realize it’s not the best thing. I think Bitsy will understand that you were forced to do things you didn’t want to do.”

“Mommy lies to me,” Andy whispered.

“I’m sorry that happened. Maybe Mommy thought what she said would come true and didn’t mean to lie to you,” Connie theorized.

Andy lifted his head and looked into Connie’s eyes. “You don’t think Mommy lied to me because she hated me for being a disgusting prewurt?”

“I know your mommy didn’t think that about you or hate you.”

Andy seemed to be calming. He looked around. “Did Viki and Sam go away forever?”

“No, honey. Viki and Sam are probably in the lounge. Do you want to see them?”

Andy hung his head. “They probably hate me and that’s why they’re not here.”

Connie lifted Andy’s face by the chin, until her eyes met his sad tear filled ones. “Viki and Sam love you very much. Todd was out and he was sleeping so they went to rest themselves. If they had known you would be coming out they would have stayed right here and waited for you.”

“They don’t want me to kill myself with the big knife?”

It was obvious that Andy was obsessed with this. “No, they do not. Their heart would break and would never be able to be fixed again if you did that. Do you think you can promise to never hurt yourself?” Connie asked gently.

“Can I go to where Viki and Sam are?” Andy asked, changing the subject. He was not ready to give up his thoughts of suicide.

“Gwen has already gone to the lounge to get them,” Marcia informed Andy. “Are you sleepy? Would you like to get back under the covers while you wait for them?”

Andy shook his head.

“Would you like to play with your dinosaurs?” Connie asked.

Andy shrugged.

They could tell he was still depressed. His old joy and enthusiasm were gone.

“I’ll get them for you, hon,” Connie said. She rubbed Andy’s back one more time and got up to get his toys for him.

Andy looked at Dave, who was now sitting in a chair near the window. “You’re really not gonna do stuff to me and make me do stuff to you?”

“No, Andy. I won’t. I promise.”

Andy looked at him skeptically. It seemed Sam was the only man Andy trusted, most of the time, not to hurt him.

***********

Sam had wept in Susannah’s arms until no more tears came. His chest heaved as he tried to collect himself. Finally he sat up. His face was blotchy and his eyes were red and swollen.

Susannah held both his hands in hers. “I want you to know that I don’t believe you will do any jail time for what happened with Garret. I’ve spoken with Nora and Bo. They believe the same thing. You haven’t spoken to any of us about that night since it happened. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just want to let you know that Nora and Bo are ready to discuss it with you any time you are ready and so am I.”

“I still want him dead,” Sam whispered.

“Do you feel like you will go after him again?”

Sam shook his head and shrugged at the same time. “I want to.” After a few minutes, Sam added, “I want to be there for Todd and the alters and Viki more. I don’t want to do anything that will take me away from them.”

Susannah patted Sam’s hand. “There are times when everyone would like to see someone punished for what they’ve done. I’ve spent most of my time as a psychiatrist working with adults and children who were horribly abused. There were times I met the abuser or abusers. It was difficult to control myself when all I wanted to do was make them feel the kind of pain they inflicted on my patient. If something had triggered a loss of control in me, I might have ended up doing exactly what you did. It happens, Sam. I think you know it would be a good idea if you had someone to talk to, so those kinds of feelings could get released before they explode. When you’re ready, maybe you can think about doing that.”

“Is that what you do? Whom do you have to talk to?”

“I debrief with other staff members. I hit pillows. I go to the bathroom and cry. I journal and put my feelings on paper. I talk to Bill. As a cop, he’s seen some pretty terrible things himself. Usually it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t and I have to allow myself to walk around angry and sad for a while,” Susannah confessed.

Sam still wasn’t completely sure what he believed and what he didn’t. Still, he felt a closeness to Susannah that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Sam started to say something when the phone rang.

“The machine is on,” Susannah told him. “I just need to hear who it is”

As soon as Susannah heard it was Marcia, she picked it up.

Sam’s heart started to pound. He knew it had to be about Todd. Sam could only hear Susannah’s end of the short conversation. He heard her tell Marcia that he was with her. “Andy’s out?” Sam asked the second Susannah got off the phone.

“Yes. He’s all right, but he’s asking for you. Did you drive here?”

“No. I walked.”

Susannah was surprised. It was a good three miles between her house and the hospital. “Would it be all right if I gave you a lift back to the hospital?”

“Yes,” Sam accepted immediately. “I want to get there as quickly as possible.”

“Let’s go,” Susannah said. She grabbed her bag and keys and they were off.

************

Since Andy had come out earlier in the day, Viki was not surprised to hear he was back. She was upset when she realized he would have to be told that Sam wasn’t around.

Andy was sitting cross-legged on his bed when Viki got to his room. He was holding his dinosaurs. He wasn’t playing with them. He was gently petting them. He looked so sad Viki had to bite her lip and to keep from crying. She walked over to his bed. “Hi baby. I heard you came to see us. I was so excited that I rushed here from the lounge.”

Andy looked up at her with his big hazel eyes. “Connie said you’re still my sister and I’ll still get to live with you and Sam.”

Viki expected this. It was one of the first things Andy always wanted to be reassured of. She sat on the bed and took Andy into her arms. She kissed his forehead. “I will always be your sister, forever and ever. Nothing will ever change that. The day you are well enough to leave here, you will come home with Sam and me.” Viki prayed that would be true. She knew there was a small chance Sam would not be there.

Andy looked around. He looked toward the door. “Where’s Sam?” Andy’s chin started to quiver. “Didn’t he wanna come see me?”

Marcia approached the bed. “Andy, Sam is on his way here. So is Doctor Hanen. They were both very happy to hear you were out and they are getting here as quickly as possible.”

“Sam’s mad at me?” Andy stated. He pulled away from Viki. “Sam hates me. He’s gonna push the big knife into me.”

Viki looked horrified. “No, baby, no. Sam loves you. He’d never, ever, ever hurt you. Sam didn’t know you’d be here so he went for a walk. Marcia called him and he’s coming right back so he can be here with you.”

Andy got out of bed and started to leave the room.

“Andy, where are you going?” Connie asked.

“I’m going to find Sam.”

Connie blocked his way. Marcia and Gwen stood nearby. Dave stood back so as not to frighten Andy. However, he was ready if it came to it.

“Honey,” Connie spoke softly. “Sam will be here shortly. If you leave now, he won’t know where to find you.”

“I want Sam,” Andy wailed.

“Sam is coming. He’s getting here as quickly as possible. I promise baby. Sam is on his way,” Viki tried.

Andy attempted to get past Connie. She placed her hand around his waist, as did Marcia. They each held one of his arms.

“Let’s get you back into your bed. Sam can tuck you in when he gets here” Connie spoke firmly, yet gently.

“Nooooo,” Andy cried out. He let his body go limp in the way that young children do.

Connie and Marcia lowered him to the floor.

Andy burst into tears. He tried to crawl to the door. “I want Sam! I want Sam! I want Sam!”

Marcia sat on the floor, in front of the closed door. “Andy, would you like to go to the dayroom and watch T.V. We can open it for you if you like?”

“No! I wanna find Sam,” Andy insisted through his tears. He was now sitting back on his heels.

“Sam is not on the unit. He is on his way here with Doctor Hanen. As soon as he gets here, he will come to wherever you are.”

“Sam went to get a big knife,” Andy sobbed.

“No. Sam would never hurt you,” Marcia calmly assured Andy. Sam is with Doctor Hanen. I think they are probably very close to here by now and should be here very soon.”

Viki was shocked to hear that Sam was with Susannah. She didn’t want to ask about it now, in front of Andy.

Andy tried to crawl around Marcia.

Marcia pulled him into a sitting position between her legs. With his back to her, she placed her arms around his and anchored them to his side.

Andy didn’t kick, but he tried to squirm away. Connie and Gwen held his legs. The three women were able to maintain their hold on him.

Marcia spoke to him quietly, her mouth next to his ear. “Andy, if you want to see Sam you need to calm down. Will you take some medication to help you calm?”

“Noooo,” Andy wept. “I don’t want medicine.”

“Then you need to calm yourself. Sam will be here soon. You have choices. You can wait for him in here or in the dayroom.”

“I wanna take my bicycle and go look for him. I can ride real fast,” Andy whimpered. He was calming slightly.

“I know you’re very good on your bicycle. It’s dark out. And there are several different ways Doctor Hanen could be driving Sam here. You might miss them. Then Sam would be here and you wouldn’t and he’d be very sad.”

“Sam won’t really come because he hates me because I wasn’t his good boy. I wanna tell him that I’ll be his good boy if he’ll still love me. I want Sam. I want Sam to still love me,” Andy cried out.

Marcia felt the door press up against her back.

“Andy, it’s Sam. I’m right here. What’s going on?” Sam tried opening the door again.

Marcia quickly let Andy go and stood up.

“Sam! Sam!” Andy called out.

Sam opened the door.

Andy rushed into his arms. “I’m sorry I was a bad boy. Are you gonna stick me with the big knife?”

Sam closed his eyes. Despair was written on his face. He hugged Andy tightly. He pulled back and placed his hands on either side of Andy’s face. “I’ll never hurt you in any way. I love you. You’re my boy. No matter what ever happens, I will love you forever. You have never been a bad boy. You are the best boy in the world. You never have to let me or anyone ever hurt you again. You will always have my love and Viki’s love.” Sam pulled Andy to him and hugged him tightly again. I love you. I want you to always remember that I love you. Even if I’m not here with you, I love you and I’m so proud of you.”

“Are you going away?” Andy asked through trembling lips.

Sam exchanged quick glances with Viki. He saw tears in her eyes. Sam kissed the top of Andy’s head. “I’m here, pal. I’m right here with you now.”

This seemed to satisfy Andy. He took Sam by the hand and walked him over to his bed. Andy picked up his dinosaurs. He held them up for Sam. “They’re real sad because the giant wanted to cut their heads off with a big knife. Then they got sent away to live in the toy box cause everybody thinks they were bad.”

Susannah walked into the room in time to hear Andy say this. She had dropped Sam off and then parked. She knew it was more important for Sam to get to Andy at that point than it was for her to.

Sam took the toys from Andy and looked at them. “They do look kind of sad to me, too.” He held them in front of his face and talked to them. “Andy thinks you guys were put in the toy box because you were bad, but we know that’s not what happened, right fellas?”

“It’s not?” Andy asked. His eyes were wide as he looked up at Sam.

Sam sat on the bed. He put his feet up and leaned against the headboard. He patted the spot next to him.

Andy immediately snuggled close to him. He rested his head against Sam’s shoulder and looked up at him.

Sam put the dinosaurs next to his ear and ‘listened’ to what they had to say. He held them up so they were between him and Andy. “These are very good dinosaurs. They aren’t bad at all. In fact, they are so good and extra special that they were put in the toy box so they would stay safe and clean and never ever get broken or lost. They are happy that now they have so many people here to protect them and make sure no one ever hurts them with a big knife. What’s that?” Sam asked. He held them up to his ear again. “Oh, okay. I’ll make sure to tell Andy that.”

Sam glanced in Andy’s direction. He saw Andy’s eyes were as big as silver dollars as he listened to what he had to say. He placed his arm around Andy’s shoulder, pulling him into a gentle hug. “Your friends here want me to be sure to let you know that while they are very happy that everyone thinks they are so special that they had to be taken very good care of, they are extra, extra happy that you’re here to play with them. They know it takes a very good and special little boy to take them out of the toy box and make them this happy.”

Andy petted each of the dinosaurs. He kissed them on their heads and announced to them, “I love you. I want you to be happy.” Andy looked up at Sam again. “Are they really safe from the giant with the big knife?”

Sam squeezed Andy’s shoulders tenderly. “They are very safe.” Sam pointed to everyone in the room. “They’re never alone anymore. They have all of us to protect them.”

Andy looked over at Viki. He pointed to his toys. “They wanna know if they can they come to live with you, too?”

Viki walked over to the bed. She stroked the dinosaurs. “Dino, Rexo,” Viki addressed them by the names Andy had given them. “I would love for you to come and live with us when Andy comes home. We will be so happy that we’ll have a special party and we can get a dinosaur cake that looks just like you.”

“We can?” Andy asked in amazement.

“We sure can, pal. I’ll bet we can get some green ice cream too.”

Andy giggled. “I never had green ice cream.”

Hearing Andy’s giggle was a gift to all of them.

Suddenly Andy looked sad again. “Will the lady Timmy lives with let him come, too?”

“When you come home, Timmy will be there too, pal. I promise,” Sam assured Andy.

A small smile came back to Andy’s face. He looked up at Viki and pointed to his toys again. “They want you to sit right here.” Andy patted the bed on his other side.

Viki smiled back. She sat next to Andy. She put her feet up the way Sam had.

Viki and Sam snuggled Andy between them.

Andy clutched his beloved dinosaurs to his chest. He rested his head on Sam’s shoulder. Viki stoked the side of Andy’s cheek that faced her. Within minutes Andy fell into a peaceful sleep.

Viki and Sam looked into each other’s eyes, over Andy’s head. No words had to be spoken. They knew what was in the other’s heart.

“Is it all right if we stay here with him tonight?” Viki whispered.

Susannah nodded. “I think that’s something that will do all of you some good.”

The staff left the room. Carl took over Dave’s post by the door for the next few hours.

“I’m going back home now,” Susannah whispered. “It looks like all of you are in good hands.”

Sam looked up at Susannah. “Thank you,” he mouthed.

Susannah looked into his eyes and smiled. She patted Viki’s arm and left the room.

“Sam seems more at peace and together than he has in a long time,” Connie commented to Susannah.

“Yeah,” Susannah agreed, “for tonight anyway.” Susannah knew Sam was fragile. It wouldn’t take much to send him back on a downward spiral.

Susannah wrote some notes in Todd’s chart, said goodnight to the staff, and headed back to her car.

**********

SECRETS

PART 3

Dorian was relieved when she finally heard Mel’s car pulling away. She had been feigning sleep for the past ninety minutes. She had done the same when Mel got home from work last night. Dorian could not get the images of Viki, Victor, Irene, and infant Todd out of her mind. She could not believe that as evil and depraved as she thought Victor was, he was worse than she ever imagined. Dorian knew Mel would know something was wrong. She was emotionally drained. Telling convincing lies took more energy than she had. So, she pretended to sleep this morning too, thus avoiding Mel for the time being.

Something else was bothering Dorian. She could not shake the feeling that Porter, despite the amount of liquor he consumed, held onto more secrets. Dorian was determined to find out whatever it was he was hiding.

Dorian had downed her second cup of coffee when she heard Blair call her name.

“Dorian, are you all right? Yvette let me in and I called to you twice and you didn’t even hear me or realize I was in the room.”

“Of course I’m all right. I’m a little tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Is Aunt Melinda all right?” Blair thought something might have happened.

“She’s fine. She just needed some reassurance,” Dorian lied.

“Did you have another fight with Mel? I hope he didn’t find out you’re still helping me with Todd. I made sure he was gone before I came up to the house?”

“No. Mel and I are fine, too.” Dorian stood up. She hugged Blair and kissed her on the cheek. “I’m touched that you’re so concerned. Honestly, I just had a bad night, jet lag probably. I should have stayed in California overnight I suppose.”

“Well, I’m happy that nothing is wrong,” Blair stated. “I’m going to see Matthew Allen today. I have a few more questions for him. I want to know if he can make sure that Téa does not become Todd’s guardian if Viki is found unfit.”

“We certainly wouldn’t want that. She would continue to let Viki run the show anyway,” Dorian said half heartedly. It was difficult for her to concentrate on what Blair had to say. Right now she had more on her mind. For the time being, hearing what happened to Viki in 1970 put a damper on Dorian’s obsessive hatred.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Hayes,” the cook interrupted.

“Yes, Joanna,” Dorian tone gave away her raw nerves and impatience.

“You said you wanted to check out the wine delivery yourself, before it was brought down to the cellar.”

“Yes,” Dorian remembered. “I’ll be right there. Blair, will you excuse me for a few minutes?”

“Now don’t you go drinking any of that wine at this hour,” Blair joked as Dorian headed for the kitchen.

When Dorian got back, Blair was sitting on the couch, staring off into space and humming softly to herself.

“That’s an oldie,” Dorian commented, startling Blair.

“What? What’s an oldie?”

“That song you were humming, Blue Moon. I didn’t think that kind of music was to your taste.”

“It's just something I heard recently. It stuck with me.”

Dorian looked at Blair closely. “There’s something different about you this morning.” Dorian walked around Blair. “It’s not your hair or what you’re wearing. You seem to be in an especially good mood today, surprisingly so, considering everything that’s going on.”

Blair wanted to tell Dorian about her visit to Club Indigo, but she thought better of it. I wouldn’t want Dorian to get the wrong impression Blair thought to herself.

“It’s nothing. I just got a few good nights of sleep since I found out that I finally have some proof they are keeping Todd sick at that hospital. Okay, it’s not exactly proof of that, but I think it’s enough . . .”

“Darling,” Dorian said suddenly. “Would you mind if we talked about this later on? I have an appointment with my broker this morning and I need to get dressed and try to get myself together.”

Blair looked annoyed. Then she realized this was Dorian being Dorian. She kissed her aunt on the cheek. “I have to be running myself. I’ll call you later, before Mel gets home, to let you know what Mr. Allen has to say.”

“Good luck,” Dorian called out as Blair left the room.

As soon as she was sure Blair was gone, Dorian called Todd’s unit.

“Seven west, Nancy speaking,” the voice on the other end of the phone said.

“This is Dorian Hayes. May I please speak with Viki Carpenter?”

“I’ll see if she’s able to come to the phone. I need to put you on hold.”

“Go right ahead,” Dorian said with forced sweetness.

***********

Viki, Sam and Andy had slept peacefully through the night. Once Andy had fallen into a deep sleep, the staff put absorbent briefs on him. They knew he’d be upset if he wet the bed. They also did it to protect Viki and Sam, should Andy wet himself. Once that was done, Sam and Viki slept with Andy between them the entire night. They did not want him to wake up and feel abandoned. It did them as much good as it did him. All three of them were in a good enough mood to want breakfast.

Andy ate a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal with milk. He drank a cup of apple juice and had a small dish of vanilla pudding. He seemed in better spirits than he had, but he was still not himself.

Susannah got to the unit while Terry, Janet and Eileen were giving Andy his bath. Frank and Jeff waited right outside the bathroom in case there was a problem. They knew male staff in the bathroom would frighten him. Andy had willingly gone back to his bathroom with the three women after he ate. He didn’t put up any kind of fuss over the bath.

Viki and Sam were finishing their morning coffee when Susannah got there.

Susannah saw that Sam looked better than he had in a while. Viki looked a little more at peace, too.

“Good morning,” Susannah said, sitting down at the dining table in the dayroom. “I heard you all had a good night.”

“We did,” Viki confirmed. “Andy is still not his playful self, but at least he didn’t have any nightmares and he ate a good breakfast.”

“Andy asked Frank if he was going to put a big knife on the table when Frank put some of the breakfast things out,” Sam informed Susannah in a worried tone.

“I’m planning a session with Andy after his bath. I’ll do some play therapy with him and see if he can work on the knife issue. He was very traumatized by that. He kept it in for many years. It’s not unusual for him to be obsessed with it now that he’s talking about it. Those memories are close to the surface for Todd, too.”

“Todd went into shock when he started to remember that day,” Viki reminded Susannah. “What will happen if he comes out?”

“I think Todd might be better able to handle it now. Last time he had a spontaneous abreaction. There is always a danger when that happens. This would be a controlled situation. We will take precautions. Todd’s co-consciousness with Andy is increasing. It’s only a matter of time before Todd hears Andy talking about that day. It would be better if it happened during a session.”

Viki and Sam nodded. Anxiety filled their being.

“Todd is doing very well. He’s made some amazing progress recently. He’s responding to the antidepressant and neuroleptic. His need for sedation has decreased. I know it’s difficult not to be frightened. Todd still has many traumas to get through and we understand that he’s still very fragile.”

Susannah smiled because she had more good news. “Todd’s latest labs came back and he’s doing great physically. His hematocrit and hemoglobin are normal. We will be cutting back the Procrit to once a week. If his crit stays up we will discontinue it. Todd’s renal functions are nearly normal and his last ECG was good. His electrolytes and blood sugar are normal. His Dilantin level is fine. Todd’s gained back nearly half the weight he’s lost. Many of the alters are eating well when they’re out. They are all tolerating the PEG tube and the frequent feedings. They’ve all responded very well to the Dilantin. They’ve been seizure free for weeks. Todd’s thought process is beginning to improve. He’s lucid most of the time he’s out. He should soon be able to handle eating disorder sessions. Todd’s denial is decreasing. I believe he’s almost ready to hear about all or at least more of his alters. When that happens I will let him know he can see them on video tape if he wants to or hear them on audio tape if he feels seeing them is too much for him to handle. I will also ask him to begin journaling with the alters. Todd and some of the others may soon be ready to go to the outdoor gym.”

“Todd’s communication and friendship with Pete are good things, aren’t they?” Viki asked for reassurance.

“They are very good things and a tremendous step. It will be very beneficial to both of them. Frank and I were talking and we think Pete and Todd might enjoy playing basketball in the indoor gym . . . sort of one on one.”

“It will actually seem like they are playing with another person, to each of them, won’t it?” Sam asked.

“Yes. They will see and hear each other just the way we are hearing and seeing each other now. Their playing skills and styles can and most likely will differ. Their tolerance to activity will probably differ.”

Sam shook his head in amazement. “Todd’s going to get closer to Pete’s memories of the night Michelle was killed, isn’t he?”

Susannah nodded. “I think he will be ready when he does. He may not seem ready to you or even to himself. I don’t think his system will allow him to remember that night before he can process it. It may not take the first time he remembers. He may repress it several times before he truly remembers.”

“Excuse me,” Nancy said as she approached the table. “Dorian Hayes is on the phone for Viki?”

“Dorian?” Viki’s tone was a combination of annoyance and surprise.

“Do you want me to tell her you can’t come to the phone right now?” Nancy asked.

Viki sighed. “No, if there is something she wants, she’ll just keep calling.” Viki stood up and followed Nancy to the nurses station.

Sam brushed his hand though his hair. “I think I need a haircut. It’s been awhile.” Sam looked self-conscious. “I think I need a shower and a shave too. Do you think Andy will be all right without me around for a while?”

Susannah was happy to see that Sam was taking an interest in his appearance. It was a good sign. “I think he’ll be fine. He should be in with me for at least an hour, possibly two. Why don’t you go to his room. He’s probably out of the bath by now. Let him know you’re leaving and why.”

Sam looked into Susannah’s eyes. “Thanks. Thanks for everything.”

Susannah smiled and nodded.

**********

“Yes, Dorian,” Viki said into the phone. She made no attempt to hide her impatience.

“Hello Viki. How are you doing?”

Viki rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Good. And how is Todd doing?”

“Todd is progressing nicely. Was there something specific that you wanted?” Viki was in no mood for this.

Still thinks she’s Queen Victoria, Dorian thought to herself. “I was hoping you could come here to discuss something with me or that I could meet you there. Perhaps we can do lunch?”

“Do lunch?” Viki mocked. “What is this about?”

“They are thinking of starting a Dissociative Disorders unit at Melinda’s hospital in California. I would like your input.”

Viki was taken aback. “Of course, I will help in any way I can. Would you like Susannah’s input?”

“Um . . . uh . . . no . . . not just yet. I would like the patient’s perspective first. I would ask Todd if he were well enough but . . .”

“No, Todd is still not well enough for that,” Viki said firmly.

“That’s what I just said, dear. I have no intentions of asking Todd. So, would you like to come here or would you rather meet somewhere?”

Viki thought for a moment. “I don’t want to be too far from the hospital. One of the child alters is out. How about that diner near the hospital?”

“That’s perfect. If you get there first, get us a back booth so we can have some privacy. Does noon sound good to you?”

“Can we make it for eleven? I want to be back in time to have lunch with Andy, the little boy who’s out.”

“No problem. See you at eleven.” Dorian hung up.

*********

Susannah was in the lounge near the nurses station when Viki started to head back to the dayroom.

“Sam wants to clean up and then go out for a haircut and run some errands. He went in to tell Andy so he shouldn’t find him gone and become upset,” Susannah informed Viki.

Viki sat next to her. “Sam and I didn’t have a chance to talk about last night. Something happened, didn’t it? Sam seems so much more together.”

“Viki, you know you’ll need to talk to Sam about the details. I can tell you that I think Sam did have a breakthrough of sorts. I can also tell you that I’m feeling encouraged that he might be ready or almost ready to get the help he needs.”

Viki hugged Susannah. “I’m not asking what you said to Sam last night or what he said to you. I do want to tell you how grateful I am to you for whatever part you had in this change in him.”

Susannah squeezed Viki gently. “Don’t push Sam. I think he will do what’s helpful to him, if not for himself then for you and Todd.” Susannah patted Viki’s knee. “I’m going to get things ready for Andy’s session.”

Viki headed for Todd’s room. She wanted to tell Sam and Andy that she would be gone for a while.

**********

Shortly after Viki and Sam left, Téa called the nurses station. Terry answered. She told Terry that Carlotta had slipped and sprained her ankle. One of the servers from the diner had called Téa, against Carlotta’s protests. With Antonio in California with Andy and Christian living in New York, Téa knew Carlotta would be without family. Téa was torn. She didn’t want to stay away, in case Todd came back. Téa was even more upset when Terry was forced to tell her that both Viki and Sam had gone out.

“Téa, Andy is out and Susannah’s going to take him in for a session,” Terry assured her. “Please don’t worry. Take care of Mrs. Vega. If Todd should come back, we will tell him what happened. We will let him call you on your cell phone if he wants to.”

Téa loved Carlotta like a mother. Reluctantly, she told Terry she would probably not be able to get to the unit until late in the afternoon. Téa planned on hiring someone to stay with and help Carlotta until her foot healed and she would not take no for an answer. In addition to that, she would visit and help Carlotta whenever she could.

***********

Andy was in the dayroom watching a Flintstone’s video when Susannah came in to take him for his session. He had shown some anxiety when Viki and Sam told him they were leaving for a short while. It took lots of hugs and verbal reassurance before he seemed to believe that they’d be back.

Susannah waited a few minutes for the video to end and then she held out her hand. “Would you like to go to the playroom with me? I have some toys there that we can play with.”

Andy shrugged. His depression was still evident. Finally he nodded and took Susannah’s hand.

*********

Susannah and Allan had laid out some toys appropriate to Andy’s session and his age. Then Allan left the playroom. Susannah thought it best. These days, Andy was feeling very uneasy around any man other than Sam. Frank and Angelo waited right outside, in case of any problem.

“Why don’t you check out the new toys,” Susannah encouraged.  “We can play with whatever you like.” Susannah wanted to see what Andy chose and what direction he’d go. It was also important that a child felt in control of his or her world during play therapy. In many cases the child had no power or control over anything in his or her life, the playroom and play therapy was their chance to rule their world and make the toys do what they wanted and/or needed them to do.

Andy walked around. He looked at everything. He stopped when he got to a toy knife. He froze and stared at it for a minute. Then he reached for it, picked it up and rubbed his hand over the rubber blade. He placed it back on the table. Andy picked up one of the little boy dolls and looked at him. He lifted the doll’s shirt and rubbed his fingers on the approximate spot that correlated to where he had been stabbed. Andy started to reach for one of the adult male dolls. He pulled his hand back. He reached for one of the adult female dolls instead. He held her for a moment and then put her down and pushed her away.

Susannah picked up the three dolls Andy had shown interest in. “Can I take the dolls’ clothes off and show you something special about them?”

Andy stared into Susannah’s eyes and nodded.

Susannah showed Andy the anatomically correct dolls. “See, they are just like real people.”

Andy stared at them silently.

“Should I put the clothes back on them now?” Susannah inquired.

“Not on him.” Andy pointed to the little boy doll.

Susannah realized that Andy wanted to express the little boy’s vulnerability and shame. “All right,” she agreed as she dressed the other two.

Andy stared into Susannah’s eyes again. He took the three dolls he had chosen off of Susannah’s lap. He handed the adult female doll back to her. “You be the mommy.”

“Okay. What’s the mommy supposed to be doing?”

Andy nodded. “She’s in the kitchen drinking the smelly booze drink she keeps in the cabinet.” Andy pointed to the adult male doll. “He don’t like it when she takes his booze drink.”

Andy sat on his heels in front of the dollhouse that had been put out.

Susannah sat on the floor next to him. She placed the mommy doll in the kitchen. She moved the doll’s hand to her mouth, in a drinking motion.

Andy had the daddy doll roughly throw the little boy doll into the bed in one of the bedrooms. In a pretend adult male voice Andy had the daddy doll say, “Miserable little bastard! You stay in your room. I can’t stand to look at you or hear you. You make mommy drink because she wants to get away from you.”

“How does hearing that make the little boy feel?” Susannah asked.

“It makes him real sad. He wants to cry but his daddy will hurt him if he cries. It makes him mad at himself because he don’t know how to be a good boy? He gets scared because he knows his daddy is gonna come up to his room soon and sometimes he likes it because his daddy holds him and tells him he’s his good boy and he pets him nice and tickles him and sometimes he even smiles at him.”

“So it must be confusing because sometimes the little boy feels loved by his daddy?” Susannah stated.

Andy nodded. He picked up the boy doll and banged its head against the floor and then punched its genitals.

“Are you angry with the little boy?” Susannah asked.

“He’s bad!”

“What is he doing that so bad?”

“He’s not supposed to feel love or good because it’s bad. He wanted it to feel good in school and feel his daddy loving him and he got in trouble and made everybody hate him.”

“The little boy feels confused and angry because he knows what his daddy does to him is bad touching and yet sometimes it feels good?” Susannah restated.

Andy hit the boy doll’s head against the floor again. “He’s a very bad boy and a disgusting prewurt.”

“Is the little boy angry with himself?” Susannah asked.

“He hates himself a whole lot and he’s gonna punish himself so he won’t be so bad.”

“Do you think the little boy will listen to me if I explain something to him?” Susannah inquired.

Andy thought for a few moments. He nodded and held the doll’s ear up to Susannah’s mouth.

“I know it’s very confusing if it sometimes feels good when someone bad touches you,” Susannah began. “But that doesn’t make you a bad or disgusting boy or a pervert. There are things called nerve endings in everyone’s private parts. That’s another name for boy parts. When someone touches your private parts in a certain way, it can send a message to your brain that it feels good. There’s nothing you can do to stop that. It’s the way our bodies work. It has nothing to do with being a bad boy or being disgusting. It doesn’t ever mean that you like being bad touched or that you want someone to do that to you. Do you feel like you understand what I just explained to you?” Susannah asked the doll.

Andy held the doll’s mouth to his ear. “He still feels like a bad boy,” Andy responded. “He bad touches himself sometimes, too.”

“It’s not bad touching when you touch yourself that way. It’s bad touching if someone you don’t want to touch you that way does. It’s okay to touch any part of your body that you want to. Your body belongs to you. If you want to make yourself feel good by touching your private parts, that’s okay. That’s good touching. It’s not polite to do it in front of other people, but it’s still not bad.”

“Like mommy says don’t pick your nose in front of people?” Andy asked.

Susannah smiled. “Yes. These are things that are okay to do in private. They are not bad things to do.”

A scowl formed on Andy’s face. He hit the boy doll against the floor again. “He’s still bad because he makes his daddy do stuff to him because he wants his daddy to love him and like him.”

“Children want their parents to love them. That’s okay. It’s good to want to be loved. He’s not a bad boy because he wanted his daddy’s love. It was not okay for his daddy to make the little boy feel that he could only be loved if he was bad touched or if he bad touched his daddy. It was the daddy who was doing something that was not okay, not the little boy,” Susannah explained.

Andy took the mommy doll from Susannah. With the boy doll in his other hand he had the mommy doll tell the boy doll. “You have to be a good boy with Daddy. Don’t say no or try to stop Daddy because that makes him very angry and he’ll hurt you even more.” Andy moved the mommy doll’s hand so it stroked the boy doll’s head. “That’s Mommy’s good boy. I love you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Andy handed the mommy doll back to Susannah.

Andy had the boy doll face the mommy doll as he spoke. “Daddy hurts me anyway. You hate me when I do what you say. You don’t love me and think I’m your good boy. Why do you say you do when you don’t?”

Using a pretend mommy doll voice, Susannah said, “Sometimes mommies don’t know how to handle things. They think they’re doing the right thing for their little boy or girl, even if it is the wrong thing. Do you ever feel that mommy loves you?”

Andy angrily threw the boy doll back in the bed. He grabbed the mommy doll from Susannah again. He had the mommy doll stand outside the door to the little boy’s room. Andy used his mommy doll voice again. “I’m not gonna love you any more because you’re a disgusting prewurt and your teachers think that too and they hate you. I’m not gonna call you darling and sweetheart anymore. You’re a bad boy and that’s why I lie to you and tell your teachers that you’re clumsy. You do disgusting things to me when I’m sleeping from the booze drink. You’re an evil little boy and I hate you.”

“Is the mommy saying that right to the little boy or does he hear her saying that to his daddy?” Susannah inquired.

“He hears her saying it to his daddy,” Andy answered.

Andy picked up the daddy doll. He had him come in through the front door. He switched back to the adult male voice. “I hate coming home to that ungrateful bitch and rotten little bastard. I work hard and I pay for everything. I own everything because I pay for it.”

Andy turned the little boy doll so his ear faced the door to his room. He picked up the mommy doll and had her rush toward the daddy doll in his other hand. Using the mommy voice again, Andy began, “He’s just like you! He’s a disgusting prewurt. I’m gonna send him away to live with an old man. I wish he was never born.”

Susannah knew Barbara Manning never said those things that way. She never meant to hurt her child. Yet her words hurt. Andy carried them with him always and they preyed on his young mind. The accusations Andy heard Barbara level against Peter were confusing to a six-year-old. In Andy’s mind, Barbara said exactly what he just had the mommy doll say. Since Andy had been isolated and then put to sleep by Mike, shortly after the day Peter nearly stabbed him to death, he never had another opportunity to feel his mother’s love. Hearing her say those things was one of Andy’s last memories of her.

“How does hearing that make the little boy feel?” Susannah pressed.

Andy placed the boy doll’s hand up to his ears. In his own voice, he had the boy doll cry out, “I’m scared. I don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight. It makes Mommy drink more booze drink and makes Daddy even meaner and if he drinks the booze drink too it makes him the meanest mean. It’s all my fault.”

Andy grabbed the daddy doll and had him storm into the boy doll’s room. He had him kneel over the boy and touch the boy’s genitals. Using his attempt at an adult male voice again, Andy had the daddy say, “That’s right. You’re Daddy’s good boy. We’ll show Mommy she can’t make a mama’s boy fag out of you. Make it hard for Daddy. Show Daddy you’re a man. You can only do it for Daddy. It belongs to him. Daddy owns everything.” Andy opened the daddy doll’s pants. Suddenly he dropped the dolls and rushed back to get the toy knife. He placed the knife in the hand of the boy doll. He had the boy doll go through the motions of cutting off his own genitals.”

“Why is the little boy hurting himself?” Susannah asked.

“It hurts more to leave his boy parts on,” Andy stated.

“It hurts the little boy to have his boy parts?”

Andy nodded. “Now he can’t be his Daddy’s good boy anymore! He can’t be a disgusting prewurt anymore.”

Susannah sadly realized that this was the only way Andy could think of to control his world and stop some of his pain.

Andy had the daddy doll say, “Now I can never like you or ever hug you or pat your hair or tell you you’re Daddy’s good boy or love you again. Now you only get the punish part.” Andy had the daddy doll push his penis against the boy doll’s mouth and say, “Don’t you throw up. You know what’ll happen to you if you throw up. You act like a man!”

With his other hand, Andy had the mommy doll stand in the doorway and watch. He had her walk away without saying a word. Then Andy pulled up the daddy doll’s pants and walked him out of the room. Andy handed the mommy doll back to Susannah.

After that was done, Andy had the boy doll make crying sounds. “I wanted my mommy to like me better and now she still hates me and my daddy hates me because I can’t be his good boy anymore. Nobody likes me. I’m gonna get sent away and I won’t get to go to school or climb my tree or ride my bicycle or play with my dog or with Timmy anymore. I’m gonna make me dead before Daddy can kill me and I get sent away.”

Andy had the boy doll pick up the knife again and go through the motions of sticking it in its heart and cutting its head off. Having only a six year old’s conception of what death was, Andy then had the boy doll walk over to the mommy doll and say, “Now I’m dead and I have no more boy parts, so you can’t hate me and Daddy can’t hurt me anymore. I’m gonna run away because you lie to me.” Andy thrust the mommy doll into Susannah’s hand again, obviously wanting her to resume being its voice.

“How do I make you feel when I lie to you?” Susannah had the mommy doll ask the boy doll.

“You make me mad! I hate you! Now I’m dead and I’m running away!”

“I love my little boy,” Susannah used a pretend voice again. “I don’t want you to be dead and I don’t want you to run away.”

“You lie to me all the time.” Andy had the boy doll say to the mommy doll. “I’m gonna be dead and then I’m running all the way to the moon so you’ll never be able to find me and Daddy won’t ever be able to reach me because I’ll have my bicycle with me and it’s the only thing fast enough to get to the moon.”

“If you’re angry with me and angry with Daddy why do you want to hurt yourself?” Susannah asked, in the mommy doll voice.

Andy was quiet for a minute. He took the mommy doll away from Susannah. He gathered the Daddy doll too. He moved them off to the side of the dollhouse. He turned the boy doll until it faced Susannah. “He wants to whisper it to you.”

“All right,” Susannah agreed. She turned her ear toward Andy and the boy doll.

Andy held the boy doll’s mouth up to Susannah’s ear. “I can’t be that mad at Mommy and Daddy because I’ll be the maddest of anybody in the whole world.”

Susannah turned back to address the boy doll. “What would happen if you become the maddest of anybody in the whole world?”

Andy pulled the boy doll away and clutched it to his chest he was quiet for a minute. Then it was as if a storm erupted. Andy let the boy doll drop to the floor. He grabbed the daddy doll by the legs and began to pound it into the floor.

“I hate you! I don’t care if you don’t love me and if I’m not your good boy anymore! You hurt me all the time! You say I’m your good boy and then you hurt me anyway! You hit me and tie me up and squeeze me and put your boy part in my mouth and then you stick my face in the throw up and make me lick it and you burn my boy parts with your cigarettes and make me sit on the wet spot on the bed and make me stand in the bathroom all night and hit me with the belt if I fall down. You make me rub my boy parts on mommy and pee on her and you yell and call us names and you make me scared all the time. I hate you!”

Andy dropped the daddy doll and unleashed his fury on the mommy doll. He began to pound her against the floor the way he did the daddy doll.

“You say do what daddy says and you won’t get hurt and he still hurts me. You say you’ll stay in bed with me while I’m sleeping and then you go away and Daddy comes in and does stuff to me and makes me do stuff to him. You say be a good boy for Daddy and then you hate me and think I’m a disgusting prewurt. You say I’m the smartest most talented little boy and you tell my teacher I’m clumsy and she thinks I’m dumb.”

Andy was chocking on his words and gasping for breath. Susannah let him continue. This was a breakthrough she had been hoping for.

Andy was still pounding the mommy doll against the floor. “You go to sleep from the booze drink and I can’t wake you up and Daddy says I have to do stuff to you or he’ll kill you and me. Daddy says I have to act like a man and my boy part has to become hard when I do stuff to you because Daddy says you’re a whore and slut who deserves it. I don’t wanna do it but you won’t wake up. I throwed away your booze stuff and you bought more. You say Doctor Evans won’t hurt me and he does! You tell him I’m clumsy and that’s how I got hurt. I hate you! I hate you! I hate both of you.”

Andy dropped the mommy doll. He ran back to the table. He grabbed some of the other objects.

Andy pulled off the daddy doll's clothes. He began to beat him with the toy belt. “You’re bad and you’re a miserable big bastard and you’re stupid and I wish you were never born.” Andy gasped again and picked up a toy cigarette. He held the orange end to the daddy doll’s genitals. “I’m gonna show you what happens to when you wet the bed! I’m gonna punish you and make you stand in the bathroom all night.” He rubbed the daddy doll’s face into the carpet. “You pig. I’ll teach you to make a mess. You lick it up.”

Andy picked up the mommy doll and started beating the daddy doll with her. “You stop Daddy from hurting me! You stop lying to me. You stop thinking I’m disgusting and a prewurt when I do what you say to do. You stop daddy. You stop daddy from hurting me. You stop daddy from making me do stuff to you. You’re my mommy. You’re supposed to 'tect me. You make him stop. You make him stop! I hate you, too. I’m the maddest mad in the whole world. I hate both of you!”

Andy picked up the knife. He held the handle in his fist. First he slashed it against the daddy doll’s genitals and then he held it straight up and over and over again plunged it into the chests of both the mommy and daddy doll. “I hate you! I hate both of you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

Susannah recognized Todd’s voice saying it the last time.

Todd’s eyes came into focus. He saw the dolls on the floor in front of him. He realized there was something in his hand. He saw the knife. “Oh God,” Todd whispered. He let the knife fall to the floor. “Oh Gooooooood! I heard! I heard! I saw what he was doing. Oh God. I saw!” Todd began to hit his own head into the floor.

Susannah didn’t have to alert Frank and Angelo. They heard Todd come out and were already standing in the doorway. Frank pulled Todd into a hold. Todd was weak from Andy’s fury and from what he had witnessed. He didn’t fight the hold or try to kick out. Angelo’s assistance wasn’t needed, nevertheless any additional staff.

“Oh God. I feel what that little boy felt. Make it go away. I don’t wanna feel it. Please! I don’t wanna feel it. Make it go away. Get the pictures out of my head. Please! Do anything. Take out my brain. Give me drugs. Kill me. Make it go away.”

Susannah knelt down next to Todd and Frank. “Tell me what feelings you want gone.”

“The hate. They’re my parents. She’s my mom! She loved me. She did! She loved me.” Todd turned his head up and looked Frank in the eyes. “She loved me!”

“I know she did, buddy,” Frank said soothingly. “She loved you very much.”

“You kill me! You kill me now! I want to be dead. She’s my mom. You get a real knife and you rip my heart out. You kill me!” Todd cried out.

“You don’t have to be dead to face your rage at your mom,” Susannah said gently. “Little children and the adults they become don’t have to punish themselves and die because they hate what their parents did. You can hate what your mom did and didn’t do and still love her and still know that she loved you.”

Todd shook his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “No! You don’t understand.”

“Help me to understand,” Susannah prompted.

“I wanted what that little boy wanted, just now. I had the knife in my hand, too. I felt what he was doing. I saw it. I wanted to hurt them . . . not just my dad . . . Mama, too. Oh God! Please kill me. I don’t deserve to live. I wanted to hurt my own mother. I wanted her to know what it felt like . . . but she did,” Todd sobbed. “She was hurt so bad, too. I don’t ever remember seeing her without bruises. He hurt her so much. She had to go to the dentist and get these fake teeth in the front because he knocked out her real teeth. He broke her nose a few times. He gave her black eyes. He’d knock her down and kick her. He’d bang her head into the wall. He’d smash her face into things. He’d pull her around by her hair. He’d . . . he’d . . . he’d . . .” Todd could hardly catch his breath. “He’d throw her down and . . . and . . . and rape her! He’d tear her clothes off when she was passed out and take my clothes off and make me rub my cock all over her. He’d make me piss on her. He wanted me to get hard. He got his sick kick out of that. Then . . . then . . . oh God, sometimes he’d rub his cock against me when he got hard watching it. It was me! It was me and that little boy and the other boy. He made all of us do it! He made us do it. He said he’d kill her if we didn’t. He said he’d beat us and kill us. We should have let him. We should have let him kill all of us! Why? Mama! I’m sorry. Mama. He hurt you so bad, too. You didn’t know how to help me or yourself. You should have. You were the grown up. You were the mother. Why didn’t you take me away? You got the strength to run away. Why didn’t you take me, too! I hate you! No! No! I don’t really hate you. I didn’t want to do disgusting things to you. I didn’t. I was so scared. He said he’d kill both of us. I hate you! You got drunk and passed out. It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t passed out. You left me alone even when you were there and you let him hurt us both. You let him take me out of my bed at night and torture me. I HATE YOU! No! No! I don’t really hate you. I don’t want you dead. Mama! MAMAAAAAAA.” Todd shrieked.

Terry had come into the playroom during this. Susannah had given her orders for a sedative. Terry came back into the room with it.

Todd was still screaming for his mother.

“Todd, you need to take some medication to help you calm down. Will you take it by mouth?”

Todd was beyond hearing her. He continued to scream for his mother.

Susannah changed the order to an injection. It would have to be given intramuscularly.

More staff was called in. Todd seemed unaware of the many hands on him as they rolled him and stabilized him for the injection. He was not struggling to get away. He continued to cry out for his mother. Terry injected the medication.

After several minutes, Todd started to calm. His muscles relaxed and his shouts turned to whimpers. He curled up in Frank’s arms and rested his head against Frank’s chest.

“Shhhh. It’s okay buddy. Relax,” Frank comforted.

“Do you hate me?” Todd asked. His speech was slightly slurred from the medication.

“Nooo, I don’t hate you. You are one of my favorite people in the world. I care very much about you,” Frank added.

“I should die,” Todd whispered softly. “That knife should have killed me. I’m afraid of it?”

“You’re afraid of the knife?” Susannah asked.

“No,” Todd said wearily. “The rage . . . I’m afraid of the rage.”

“You’re afraid to be angry with your mom?” Susannah stated.

More tears fell as Todd nodded.

“What does it mean if you are angry with her?” Susannah posed.

“That I don’t really love her?”

“Have you ever been angry with Viki or Sam or Téa?” Susannah asked.

Todd thought for a few seconds and nodded again.

“Do you still love them?” Susannah pressed.

Todd’s chin trembled. “Yes.”

“Why do you think it’s different with your mom?”

“Because I hate her sometimes,” Todd wept.

“Do you hate your mom or do you hate her weakness?” Susannah asked.

“She was weak because of me,” Todd stated.

“How did you make her weak?” Susannah probed.

“My dad hated me and my mom didn’t so he did all those horrible things to her and she drank. If she hadn’t gotten so drunk she wouldn’t have passed out and she could have stopped him from hurting me and I wouldn’t have done disgusting things to her.”

“Honey, your mom was an adult. You were a child. She had choices. You didn’t. She may have felt like she had no choice, and that caused her to make some very bad decisions. Both you and she paid the price for the choices she made. You did not make her drink.”

Todd thought about what Susannah just said. “I didn’t want her to drink. I remember doing it, too?”

“Doing what buddy?” Frank asked as he rubbed Todd’s back.

“What that little boy did. I remember throwing out my mom’s booze. She never got mad at me. She would look sad when she realized I did it. Sometimes she’d try to go without it and then she would end up buying some more. She started to put it on the highest shelf. I couldn’t reach it even when I stood on a chair.”

“Sounds to me like your mom understood you were trying to help her,” Frank said tenderly.

“You think so?” Todd asked desperately.

“I do,” Frank replied.

“It sounds that way to me too,” Susannah agreed.

Todd hung his head. “Sometimes I hated her when he was making me hurt her.”

“You hated your mom when your dad forced you to be sexual with her,” Susannah restated.

“Yeah,” Todd said softly. “I’m a monster. I was the one doing these vile disgusting things to her and I would get so mad at her for being passed out. I hated my dad the most, but I hated her, too.”

“What your dad did was very wrong and something he never should have done no matter what, but your mom left herself vulnerable to him by passing out. They both had some responsibility there. You had none. You were a little boy. Your dad threatened you and your mom. You did nothing wrong,” Susannah said firmly.

“It feels wrong. It feels horrible. I feel like I want to hurt myself but I’m too tired to do it now.”

“Todd,” Susannah asked softly. “Do you want to hurt Andy . . . that little boy you saw and heard?”

“No,” Todd looked horrified. “He’s just a kid.”

“You saw him hurt the dolls. You heard him say he wanted to hurt his Mom and Dad for all the times they hurt him and let him get hurt.”

“Dad shouldn’t have hurt him. He’s a little kid. He didn’t ask to be born. Mom should have protected him. She was the mom.”

“Honey, Andy is you. He’s a part of you. You were that age and younger when your dad abused you and forced you to abuse your mom.”

“No, you’re confusing me. Andy is a good little boy. I’m evil. I’m the one.”

“Do you really think I’m a good boy?” those near Todd heard Andy say. Andy’s speech was heavily slurred. Todd’s body became nearly limp when Andy took over. The medication had much more of an effect on him. “I hurt mommy. I hate mommy a whole bunch because I’m real mad at her but I love her a whole bunch, too. I hate Daddy a big whole bunch.”

“It’s okay,” Todd soothed. “Daddy shouldn’t have hurt you and Mommy shouldn’t have let him hurt you. It’s not your fault. You should be mad at them.”

“Mommy thinks I’m a disgusting prewurt. She don’t love me anymore.”

“Mommy still loves you. She knows Daddy forced you. She knows he made you feel like he loved you sometimes when he did bad things to you.”

Andy looked into Todd’s eyes with his own big sleepy, sad ones. “Do you love me?”

Todd saw the small boy who sat on the floor before him. He recognized the pain in his entire being. “I love you,” Todd assured him.

“You won’t hurt me or do bad stuff to me or make me do it to you,” Andy stated more than asked.

“No. I won’t hurt you,” Todd promised. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“Will you hug me?” Andy asked.

Todd nodded. He held his arms out.

Andy inched over and snuggled into Todd.

Todd sat with his arms tightly enclosed around himself. He gently rocked back and forth.

“Are you really gonna 'tect me?” Andy asked.

“Yeah,” Todd assured him.

“Mommy didn’t 'tect us. She tried and then drank the booze drink and let Daddy hurt us.”

“Mommy did try, didn’t she?” Todd said sadly. “She should have protected you. She’s the mom.”

“I 'tected you,” Andy informed Todd. “I came out so Daddy didn’t hurt you.”

Todd started to cry.

Andy looked up at him.

Todd felt two small hands wipe the tears off his face. “It’s okay,” Andy said and put his thin little arms around Todd’s neck. “Now you’re gonna 'tect me. Will you 'tect Timmy, too. He’s only four. Daddy is real mean to Timmy. He’s my best friend and he gets real scared all the time.”

Susannah and the staff in the room held back their tears as best they could. Andy’s generosity of spirit touched them deeply.

Todd nodded. “I’ll protect Timmy, too.”

“I’m real tired,” Andy said with a big yawn. “I’m scared to sleep because Mommy don’t stay with me like she promises and Daddy comes in while I’m sleeping.”

“I get scared to sleep, too,” Todd told Andy. “I won’t let Daddy hurt you. You can sleep.”

“Can you see my room and my bed?” Andy asked.

Todd closed his eyes for a few moments. “Yes. I see them. Don’t be afraid. I’ll watch over you.”

“Okay,” Andy said sleepily.

It was clear that Todd’s arms were empty again.

Frank continued to rub Todd’s back. “You made Andy feel very loved, safe and secure.”

“Little kids should feel that way,” Todd responded. He sounded very sleepy himself.

“Hey buddy,” Frank said gently. “How about we get you to your bed so you can have a nap.”

“I’m so sleepy,” Todd admitted. Then he added, “I know how that kid feels. I get so scared of sleeping, too.”

“Would it feel better if I sat right by your bed while you napped and watched over you?” Frank offered.

Todd nodded. He looked up at Frank the way Andy had looked up at him. “It’s okay if you still hate me. I know they pay you to be nice to me.”

“Oh Todd,” Frank squeezed him in a gentle hug. “If someone paid me all the money in the world not to like you and care about you I couldn’t do it. You are a wonderful loveable young man. Getting to know you has been one of the great joys of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“If I were you I’d take the money and run,” Todd said seriously.

“Nah,” Frank rubbed Todd’s back, “no way. Now let’s get you up.” Frank helped Todd into a standing position.

Todd was weak from the medication and from everything that had occurred.

Angelo rushed over and took Todd’s other arm. “It’s okay to lean on us Todd. Let us do the work. You’ve worked hard enough for the day.”

Todd nodded. His eyes were half closed.

They knew he should be on a gurney or in a wheelchair. They also knew that would upset him, so they dragged more than walked Todd to his room.

**********

After Frank and Angelo had Todd tucked into bed, Susannah gently stroked his head.

“What if I get really, really mad at Téa?” Todd asked. His speech was almost as slurred as Andy’s had been.

“It’s all right to get angry with Téa,” Susannah told him.

“No, I want to hurt my mom and dad. What if I end up wanting to hurt her? Maybe I shouldn’t be around Téa?”

“Honey, not being around you would hurt Téa the most,” Susannah said softly.

Todd looked around. “Maybe Téa thinks she shouldn’t be around me. She’s not here.”

“Carlotta sprained her ankle. Someone from the diner called Téa. She had to take Carlotta to the ER.”

“Oh,” Todd murmured. “At least Delgado’s safe for now.” His eyes closed.

Susannah stroked Todd’s head. “You’re getting there, Todd. You really are getting there,” she whispered to her sleeping patient.

**********

“Seven west, Terry speaking,” Terry said as she picked up the phone at the nurses station.

“Hi, Terry, it’s Blair. I’m in the hospital parking lot. Is Téa or Kevin with Todd?”

“Hi, Blair. No. Neither one is here.”

“Then it’s all right if I come up to visit with Todd now?”

“He just had a very difficult session. He was given some medication and he’s sleeping.”

Blair rolled her eyes. She wasn’t surprised to hear that Todd was drugged up. She maintained her politeness. “I won’t disturb him. Can I come up and sit with him for a while? It’s so rare to find a time when Téa and Kevin are not around.” I’m not surprised that they’re both gone at the same time, Blair thought to herself.

“Can you hold on for a minute?” Terry asked. “I’ll check with Susannah.”

Blair drummed her fingers against the steering wheel impatiently as she waited.

“Susannah said you can come on up, as long as you don’t wake Todd.”

“Of course I wouldn’t wake him if he’s asleep.” Blair tried to keep her tone sweet, but her annoyance at the assumption that she would do that seeped in. “I’ll be right up.”

Blair closed the phone. She knew her time with Todd was limited these days. She had no idea if he was lucid or not. If when he woke up he was, and if she managed to have a little privacy with him, Blair planned on letting Todd know that Téa and Kevin were playing him for a fool. She also planned on letting him know that he had a safe place to go to.

Matthew Allen, Blair’s attorney, had just told her that even if she succeeded in casting doubt on Susannah’s ethics and even if she convinced a judge that Viki’s judgment was clouded by her loyalty to Susannah, and therefore she was not a fit guardian for Todd, it would not mean that they would allow Sam to take Todd to live with her at the penthouse. Matthew told Blair that those pictures of Téa and Kevin might help her case, but in all likelihood they would not. If Todd asked that his wife become his guardian that would carry the most weight. Matthew told Blair that Todd saying that he wanted to live at the penthouse with her and Starr would go a long way in helping her case.

“They’re forcing my hand by limiting my access to him. I have to make my move the very next chance I get.” Blair said out loud. She hoped she wouldn’t have to tell Todd what she suspected about his doctor. She didn’t want to hurt him that way and destroy his trust even more than it had already been destroyed. “I hope it doesn’t come to that, but if it does . . . oh Todd, I’m doing this for you, for you and for our little girl. I hope I can get you to understand that.”

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT RS 2002/RHFC

“Blue Moon” - Lyrics by: Lorenz Hart/Music by: Richard Rodgers

This work of fiction is not affiliated with ABC Daytime and is not

endorsed by them. The images, characters, cities and settings are all

Copyrighted by ABC Daytime. All material included in these pages is, in my

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