PREVIOUSLY

"This is it, Delgado," Todd said to himself. "There'll be a surprise waiting for you when you get back. Safety and freedom. Come and get it." *****************************************************************************

To say Andrew was surprised by Susannah�s phone call was putting it mildly. Andrew knew about Todd�s hospitalization and the DID diagnosis. Viki had filled him in without going into any details that she knew Todd wouldn�t want Andrew to know. As always, Andrew told Viki he would pray for Todd. He always did, with prayers that he meant from the bottom of his heart.

Andrew and Todd had a rocky relationship. He found forgiveness for Todd almost impossible after Todd raped Marty Saybrooke, a woman Andrew cared for deeply. Then Andrew saw the change in Todd. He saw Todd�s struggle for redemption as he confronted some of his demons in therapy sessions with Ray Martino. Andrew found a way to that forgiveness for Todd.

It was years later that Andrew�s heart would once again close to any thoughts of goodness in Todd. Andrew had always had romantic feelings for T�a that he tried to suppress. After Todd threw T�a out into a snowstorm, she turned to Andrew and tried to love him. She tried to give herself the �normal� calm life she would have with him. Andrew happily and lovingly reciprocated.

It was during this time, when Andrew was in love with T�a and thought that she could love him, that he acted on those negative feelings he harbored for Todd. Unconsciously, Andrew knew it was Todd that T�a truly loved. He was not ready to face that. He went as far as giving the police incriminating evidence against Todd, when Todd was falsely accused of raping a young nurse, Barbara Graham. Andrew tried to break up Todd�s marriage to T�a. He told himself it wasn�t only his feelings for T�a that drove him, but also his belief that Todd would hurt her. Andrew believed Todd would hurt anyone that was close to him, except Starr.

Todd had fought back to keep the woman he loved. He exposed Andrew�s feelings for T�a at a memorial service Andrew was presiding at for Ian Armitage, much to T�a�s fury and embarrassment. Todd tried to get Andrew transferred to a parish far from Llanview.

Andrew begged T�a not to go back to Todd for the four-week reconciliation he�d asked for, not even for the promise of an uncontested divorce from Todd if she did. Andrew told her it was for her safety. In his heart, he knew that once she was living with Todd again, she would be lost to him.

Finally, T�a had to admit to Andrew and to herself that he wasn�t the one. T�a knew Todd was in her blood. He was in her brain. Most of all he was in her heart and soul.

After much soul searching, Andrew came to realize that he was the one who needed forgiveness for trying to come between two people that loved each other and for trying to hurt Todd. Andrew realized that in some ways he was not all that different from Todd. He had the need to hurt someone deep within him.

Another incident completed the change in the way Andrew saw Todd. Shortly after Georgie Phillips was murdered, an anonymous donor paid to have Georgie buried in the graveyard at St. James. The donor paid for a tombstone and for lilacs to be placed, daily, on Georgie�s grave. One night Andrew found Todd kneeling over the young woman�s grave. He was talking to her, and to the baby that had died inside her when she died. It was then that Andrew realized Todd was that anonymous donor.

Andrew had no idea about Georgie�s connection, in Todd�s mind, to Michelle. It wouldn�t have mattered if he had. Even without this connection to Michelle, Todd still would have wanted Georgie, an outcast like himself, to have a decent burial and to be remembered, even if it were only by the lilacs that were still delivered to her grave, daily.

Andrew told Susannah that he and Todd had a volatile relationship.

Susannah quickly explained to Andrew that she suspected Todd had an agenda. She told him that she felt his visit would be beneficial to Todd�s progress and that it might be the only way for Todd to express what he was feeling. She also told Andrew she would help Todd understand if he felt he couldn�t do this. She didn�t want to place Andrew in an uncomfortable position.

Without another moment�s hesitation, Andrew agreed to the visit. He shook his head and smiled when Susannah gave him Todd�s messages. �Same old Todd,� Andrew said into the phone and laughed. �You tell him no donation is necessary and I may take him up on that offer to pay for any moving violation I get.�

Susannah cautioned Andrew not to carry in anything or keep anything on his person that was sharp or could be used as a weapon in any way.

Andrew understood. He assured her he wouldn�t. He felt deep sadness that such precautions needed to be taken around Todd. Andrew told Susannah he�d be there as quickly as humanly possible.

************

�Move away from the doors, Todd,� Jeff said firmly. Then he gently reminded him, �You know you�re not supposed to be near the doors.�

�He�s not coming!� Todd exclaimed as he took one more look through the door to see if Andrew was walking toward the unit.

Susannah looked at her watch. �It�s only been ten minutes since I called him. He�ll be here.�

Todd walked over to the nurses' station. �How long since T�a left?�

�She�s been gone almost twenty-five minutes,� Terry answered.

Todd began to pace near the nurses' station. �He�d better get his ass here soon,� he mumbled to himself.

�Can you tell me why it�s so important that Andrew get here before T�a comes back?� Susannah probed.

�I didn�t say it was!� Todd shot back. He continued to pace.

Frank patted one of the lounge chairs. �Come sit down, buddy. Pacing isn�t going to make Andrew get here any faster.�

Todd�s only reply was an angry glare.

�Todd, you�re getting too agitated. Will you take some medication to help you calm down?� Susannah asked.

�No! I need a clear head.�

�It�s difficult to think clearly when you�re very tense and angry. You seem angry to me, are you?� Susannah pressed.

Todd stopped pacing. He ran the fingers of both hands through his hair and pulled it off his face. He took a deep breath. His cheeks puffed out slightly as he exhaled slowly.

�There! I�m fine. Are you happy?�

�Yes,� Susannah answered calmly. �Would you like some juice while you�re waiting?�

Todd gave her a �what are you kidding look.� �No, I don�t want any juice!� Todd went over to Frank. He lifted Frank�s wrist up and looked at his watch. He walked over to Susannah. �How long does it take to do girl stuff in the shower?�

Susannah smiled. �It takes me about ten minutes to shower, fifteen to twenty when I wash my hair.� Susannah informed him.

Todd appeared to be counting. �That�s not long enough!�

�Not long enough for what?� Susannah inquired.

�Do you think there�s a lot of traffic between here and the mall at this time of day?� Todd asked, ignoring Susannah�s question.

�There�s usually quite a bit of traffic at this hour,� Nancy called out. �I stopped there on my way here a couple of days ago and it took me forever to get from the mall to the hospital.�

�So that�s why you were late for work?� Angelo kidded her.

�Okay, okay,� Todd said to himself. �So that�s maybe like an hour to get there and back and maybe ten to twenty minutes for the shower.� He turned back to Susannah. �How long has it been since you called Andrew now?�

Susannah looked at her watch again. �Sixteen minutes.�

�He�s not coming,� Todd murmured again. His head shot up when he heard the buzzer. He saw Andrew waiting to be let in. Todd instinctively started to rush to the door. He caught himself before anyone had to remind him that he wasn�t allowed to do that. �Well don�t just stand there. Let him in,� Todd barked at Terry.

Terry ignored his rudeness and buzzed Andrew in.

As Andrew passed the nurses, station he smiled and held out his hand. �Hi, I�m Andrew Carpenter. I�m . . .�

Todd rushed over to him and pulled Andrew�s arm down. �Yeah, yeah. They all know who you are. This isn�t a party. I asked you to come here to talk to me.�

�And how are you, Todd?� Even though Andrew was shocked at how thin and pale Todd was his tone remained light. He was happy to see that Todd seemed like himself.

�I�m crazy. They�re all fine.� Todd swept his hand in a motion that encompassed everyone in the area. �Good! Now we�re caught up. I gotta talk to you.� Todd scanned the seating area closest to the doors that led off the unit. �You sit there.� Todd pointed to a chair that was facing the unit doors.

�Wouldn�t you and Andrew be more comfortable in the dayroom?� Frank suggested. �There would be more privacy.�

�This�ll be private enough if you and everyone else can walk away from me for a few lousy minutes,� Todd snapped.

Frank and Jeff looked toward Susannah.

She nodded. Todd did not seem like he needed to be at arm�s length from the staff.

Frank headed for the nurses, station and Jeff went to the nearby break room.

Todd plopped down into the chair just to the left of Andrew�s instead of the one facing him. This chair gave Todd an unobstructed view of Andrew and anyone coming in through the unit doors.

There was a strained silence between Todd and Andrew for a few moments.

Andrew broke the silence. �Doctor Hanen told me you said you were in need of spiritual guidance.�

�Huh?� Todd said, turning his attention away from the door. �Oh,� Todd nodded. �Yeah. I am . . . I was . . . I�m over it. There something else I wanna talk to you about.�

�Of course, I�ll discuss whatever you feel the need to discuss with you.� Andrew looked into Todd�s eyes. �I was sorry to hear that you became ill. You have a lot of strength in you Todd, more than most. I believe you have the strength to get well and get your life back.�

�What about you? Do you wanna get your life back?� Todd asked.

Andrew was clearly confused. �My life? I don�t understand.�

�Are you back with Cassie? I heard someone say Kevin was dating Rachel so I guess he�s not with Cassie anymore.�

Andrew was surprised that Todd would bring this up. He decided to answer. �Cassie and I have gotten closer since she and Kevin decided to divorce. We have a child together.�

�Are you and her gonna get married again?�

�No . . . I . . . we haven�t even talked . . . Todd what is this about? Why do you want to know about my relationship with Cassie?�

�No reason. So you�re still up for grabs?�

�What?� Andrew was flabbergasted.

�You know I�m probably gonna be here forever,� Todd said out of the blue.

�Here in the hospital?�

�Yeah, didn�t T�a tell you?�

�No. I haven�t spoken to her in months. Todd. I have spoken with Viki and she said you�re making progress. You need to have faith in yourself and your ability to get well. You . . .�

�T�a never visits you at the rectory?�

�No,� Andrew answered honestly.

Todd studied Andrew carefully. He was trying to decide if Andrew was lying or not. Todd knew if he asked T�a if she saw Andrew she�d tell him the truth. He knew she wouldn�t lie to him. Andrew he was not so sure of.

�Oh that�s right. You like to give T�a her spiritual guidance outside the rectory sometimes. Like out on the town or . . .�

�Todd,� Andrew cut him off. �I haven�t seen or spoken with T�a anywhere for many months. I can�t even remember the last time we did meet or speak with each other.� Andrew took a deep breath. �I know why you�re asking me this.�

�You do?� Todd felt anxious.

�It�s because of the way I tried to break up your marriage. Todd. I�m so sorry. I�ve spent many hours soul searching. I was wrong, very wrong, to have done that. I thought of so many of the things you said to me. Things like I was being a hypocrite. You were right. I was preaching one thing and living as if those rules didn�t apply to me. That is the worst kind of hypocrite. I�m sorry. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.�

Todd stared at Andrew for a few seconds. �I know what it�s like to love Delgado.�

�I know you do,� Andrew confirmed. �I do know that you love her, Todd. I also know she loves you. She loves you with all her heart and more powerfully than I�ve ever known anyone to love someone before.�

�Yeah, her bad luck,� Todd mumbled and turned his stare away from Andrew.

�Luck had nothing to do with love. T�a sees things in you that make her love you.�

�Delgado�s been hit on the head a few times.�

Andrew shook his head and smiled sadly. �What T�a feels has nothing to do with brain injuries.�

Todd turned back to Andrew. �You still care about her right?�

�About T�a?�

�Yeah.�

�Yes,� Andrew admitted. �I always will. I care about you, too.�

�I�ll bet,� Todd mumbled under his breath.

�Todd,� Andrew rested his hand on Todd�s arm.

Todd looked down at Andrew�s hand and back up at Andrew. From the look in Todd�s eyes, Andrew could tell he invaded Todd�s personal space. He quickly removed his hand.

�Todd,� Andrew began again. �I never wanted to see the goodness in you that T�a and Viki saw. Oh, I would see glimpses of it when you were with Starr or with other children. I thought that was as far as any goodness in you went.�

�And now you�re ready to canonize me,� Todd stated sarcastically.

Andrew shook his head. �Now I�m ready to allow myself to see that we�re not as different as I wanted to believe we were. You�re not the only one with a dark side and demons that live there.�

�Maybe we can get a two'fer deal on an exorcism,� Todd said with a smile that never made it to his eyes. They remained troubled, sad and angry.

Andrew recognized the pain Todd was in. �I�ve seen the good in you, Todd. It�s there, even if you can�t believe it yet.�

�I didn�t ask you to come here to give me absolution.� Todd spat out bitterly.

�I�m not. I�m stating a fact. You taught me a lot about myself. I�m a better man and hopefully a better minister for having known you.�

Todd looked into Andrew's eyes. �You can�t save me, Andrew. You think you know about the things I�ve done. You don�t have a clue.�

�It doesn�t matter what you�ve done if you�re genuinely sorry that you did it.�

Todd laughed. �Isn�t that convenient? Do horrible disgusting things to someone and then just say, �Oh, I�m sorry. Please God. Please forgive me,� and your slate is wiped clean. You guys think God works that way. You tell that to desperate idiots who want to believe it so they can go out and do the same shit all over again and then come whining to you for absolution.�

Andrew nodded slowly. �That may be true for some people. I like to believe that most people do want forgiveness and never plan to do whatever it is they want to be forgiven for again.�

�You mean you need to believe that or your job is nothing more than getting people to add to the collection plate so they can put up new windows or some crap at St. James.�

Andrew thought about what Todd said for a few moments. �Maybe that�s true. I hope not. I hope it�s because if you�re willing to look hard enough there�s some good in everyone. Everyone is worth saving if they want it.�

�Yeah, well in my case I can cut out the middle man. God doesn�t forgive me. He hates me. He should. I understand why I�m being punished and why I was always being punished. God knew I was born bad and that I was a mistake. That�s why I ended up with Peter Manning for a dad.�

�I know you�ve had a terrible life in some ways. You�ve also had a lot of good things happen to you. You found out you have a sister who loves you dearly. You were blessed with a daughter that loves you more than I�ve ever seen a child love a parent. You were blessed with her twice, once when she was born and again when her life was saved with the bone marrow transplant. You have a friend like Sam, who loves you as if you were his son. You have a wife that loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. It doesn�t sound to me like God or the people in your life have given up on you.�

�Maybe I�m just being set up for the kill?� Todd said softly.

�The kill?� Andrew didn�t understand.

�Maybe I�m being kept around so I can be here to see it.�

�See what?� Andrew asked gently.

�What happens to all of them, everyone you mentioned, when I finally do it?�

�Do what?� Andrew pressed.

�Do something that will hurt them so badly they�ll walk away forever or be destroyed or die.�

�I don�t believe God works that way.�

�Yeah, well maybe you were home sick the day they taught that at the seminary.�

Andrew smiled. �No, Todd, it�s more than that, I don�t believe you�d hurt any of the people I just mentioned.�

�You need to send your faith in for a tune up, Bible Boy. It�s misplaced on me.�

�I don�t think so,� Andrew stayed firm.

Todd looked deeply into Andrews eyes. He smiled. �I get it. You feel guilty over the horizontal spiritual counseling you gave my wife. You think that�s what drove me to this loony bin. Okay, then let me give you absolution, Reverend. I not only absolve you for your craving for forbidden fruit. I�m giving you my blessing to put it back on your menu.�

In so many ways Todd was still the same. Andrew didn�t know if that disturbed him or made him feel relief. He knew Todd�s childhood had caused his illness. Yet there were times Andrew wondered if his attempts to break up Todd�s marriage and going to the police with incriminating tales about Todd had contributed to Todd having a breakdown when he did.

�What do you mean?� Andrew questioned.

�I didn�t call you here to save me. I called you here to save T�a.�

�I�m not aware she needs saving?� Andrew responded calmly.

�She has these ideas that are gonna get her hurt or worse.�

�What kind of ideas?�

�That me and her are gonna be okay. That I�m gonna get well and that I�m not really a monster that�ll hurt her in ways she can�t imagine. She thinks we can have a life together . . . a real marriage . . . grow old together . . . all that crap.�

�All that happiness crap?� Andrew guessed.

�Yeah,� Todd confirmed. Tears formed in his eyes.

�And you think that happiness is impossible for you. You think that God or the fates or whatever hates you and will never let you have any of that. You think you don�t deserve it.�

�I don�t think. I know! T�a still believes in fairy tales. Fairy tales that are gonna end up getting her hurt or killed.�

�T�a is one of the smartest people I�ve ever known. She�s not naive. If she believes that you will get well and that both of you can have a good and happy life together she must have good reason,� Andrew pointed out.

�She believes it because she�s got no other choice.�

�Todd, I don�t believe that for a minute,� Andrew stated firmly.

Todd looked into Andrew�s eyes again. �You will, if you do what I asked you here for.�

Ah, Andrew thought. We�re finally getting to it. �What is it you asked me here for?�

�Give Delgado a choice.�

Andrew had a good idea what Todd meant. He needed to be sure. �A choice?�

�You said that you and Cassie aren�t really back together.� Todd looked away from Andrew. �Let T�a know that you�re available and still interested.�

�You think she�ll run back to me if I let her know that?� Andrew stated more than asked.

Todd glared angrily at Andrew. �I�m not a moron. You think so too, so you don�t have to humor me.�

�No, Todd. No, I don�t think so at all. In fact I know that T�a would choose you if there were a choice between you and me. I know it because you were the one she chose when there was a choice. You were the one she wanted then and I know you are still the one she wants now.�

Todd�s chin trembled. This was what he wanted to hear and he hated himself for it. He hated himself because he knew he had to make that change if he were going to save T�a. Todd used all his strength to keep himself from crying in front of Andrew.

�Then you make her wanna choose you.�

�No one makes T�a do anything,� Andrew reminded Todd.

�You once loved her enough to wanna save her from me. Did that love just die?� Todd�s voice choked with emotion.

Andrew thought for a few moments. �It changed. I still care very much about her. I still only want what�s best for her and what will make her happy.�

�So you�ll help me make her leave me.�

This was painful for Andrew. Old feelings flooded to the surface. �No. I�m sorry Todd. I won�t help you do that.�

Todd looked down and away from Andrew. �You can give her what she needs.�

�If I were the one who could give T�a what she needs, she wouldn�t have chosen you Todd. You�re what she needs. You fulfill a place in her that I can�t. Man, you don�t get it. You think T�a is only here because you need her? She�s here because she needs you just as much. There�s something missing in both of you that only being with each other can complete.�

Todd stayed quiet for a few moments. Andrew was happy to see that Todd seemed to be processing what he said.

Andrew and Todd turned to the unit doors when they heard a knock.

T�a�s arms were too full to ring the buzzer. She held a large pastry box in them. Balanced on top of it were two smaller boxes. They obstructed T�a�s view. She was not able to see Andrew sitting with Todd.

Frank rushed to the door to open it and help T�a with her packages.

�Thank you,� T�a said when he took the boxes from her. �I brought enough Danish and pastries for everyone. That store has the best ones in town. I also bought some puzzles. I thought Todd and I could put them do together.�

Todd�s eyes were locked on T�a as he waited for her reaction to seeing Andrew.

�Is Todd in the dayroom?� T�a asked.

Frank moved out of her view. He pointed to the lounge.

T�a�s eyes filled with surprise when she saw Andrew sitting with Todd. She walked to the lounge.

T�a�s smile was forced. She was obviously uncomfortable and confused. She immediately sensed something was going on. �Hello Andrew. This is a surprise.�

�For me too,� Andrew admitted. �I had no idea I would be coming here today.�

Todd�s eyes never left T�a. He said nothing.

�Did Viki ask you to come here?�

�I asked him to come here,� Todd volunteered.

T�a immediately understood why Todd sent her across town for something he probably didn�t want. �Andrew would you like a pastry from that wonderful little place in the mall. You see Todd woke up with a strong desire for one,� T�a turned to Todd, �didn�t you?�

Todd could tell T�a was on to him. He stared back angrily. �Yeah, desire. Thaaaat�s a great word. Sometimes we can�t get what we desire . . . sometimes we can . . . depends on where we look for it.�

�What are you talking about?� T�a asked calmly.

Todd shrugged. �Pastries. What if when you got to that store in the mall there was a great big �Danger! Do Not Enter� sign on it? What if when you got there, there was a skull and crossbones on the door and it said everything in there would poison you? Would you still want to get inside? Would you still want to fill your desires from that place?� Todd tried to sound innocent. T�a heard the bitterness in his tone.

�Some things in life are worth a risk, if you want them badly enough,� T�a said softly.

Todd continued to stare deeply into T�a�s eyes. �What if you don�t have to take a risk to get what you want? What if right down the street there�s another store that can give you what you need and their stuff is guaranteed to be safe? Now you got a choice.�

Andrew sensed he shouldn�t be in the middle of this conversation. �Uh, Todd, I think I�ll be going. If there�s . . .�

�Wait!� Todd said sharply. He turned his eyes to Andrew. �I gotta talk to you some more. I�ve got some religious questions I need to ask you.�

Andrew looked at Todd with raised eyebrows. �Religious questions?�

�Yeah . . . you know . . . about the meaning of life and all that crap.�

Andrew exchanged quick glances with T�a. �Of course. Would you like to speak with me privately?�

�No. I gotta go talk to Frank in the dayroom first. You wait here with T�a.� Before Andrew could answer, Todd jumped up and headed for the nurses' station. Todd grabbed Frank by the forearm. �I need to talk to you, over there.� Todd pointed to the hallway that led to Susannah�s office.

**********

When they got there, Todd stood so that Frank�s back would be to the lounge where T�a and Andrew sat and he would have a reasonably unobstructed view.

Frank was fully aware of what Todd was doing. He went along with it. �So, is there a problem?� Frank asked.

Todd didn�t respond. He peered over Frank�s shoulder at Andrew and T�a.

�Todd. Can you tell me what you wanted to talk to me about?� Frank pressed.

�I�m thinking! What�d you have to catch a bus or something? Can�t I have a lousy few minutes to get my thoughts together?�

�Sure buddy. You take all the time you need. How about we go into the dayroom where we can sit down and be comfortable.�

�I�m comfortable right here. Now can you shut up so I can think?�

Frank decided to play this Todd�s way. He stood silently while Todd raised himself on his tip toes so he could continue to look over Frank�s shoulder.

Frank was encouraged that Todd was able to think clearly enough to manipulate everyone this way. While that was not a healthy way to handle things, it showed that Todd�s thought processes were normalizing. It seemed that, finally, the right medications were in place and Todd was able to benefit from them. With this came better utilization of therapy.

Todd couldn�t hear T�a and Andrew. He could only watch them.

***********

T�a sat down next to Andrew. They could not see Todd standing in the hallway with Frank from where they sat. �I�m sorry you got pulled into this,� T�a stated.

�Todd loves you very much. He made that clear to me. He wants to protect you.� Andrew�s hushed tone matched T�a�s.

�Todd�s always been terrified he�d hurt me. He sees me as something he hasn�t completely damaged yet. He wants to keep it that way.�

�He kept talking about choices. T�a, I think Todd asked me here to be your other choice,� Andrew said bluntly.

T�a shook her head. �I understand so much more now. I wish I had known about everything that happened to Todd when we first got together. I would have done so many things differently.�

�It�s that way for all of us. If only we could have known. You know now. Todd seems to be doing all right. Frankly, I was afraid of what I would be facing when I got here.�

�He is doing much better. He�s far from being stable enough to go home.� T�a smiled. �But he is doing so much better. Oh, Andrew, he has been so ill, physically and mentally. There were a couple of times we almost lost him.�

A tear slid down T�a�s cheek. �There are so many alters. Most of them are children, the sweetest most loving children you can imagine. They are all a part of Todd. Some of them are in such torment. They relive the abuse they suffered for Todd. They have flashbacks and feel as if the abuse is happening to them right now. Each of them has his and her own issues, needs and dreams. There are adult alters that care for Todd and for the little ones. There are some adult alters that took abuse for Todd and are filled with rage. There are some that are out to punish Todd. They cause him to hurt himself. I used to be afraid of facing them. I didn�t think I could handle meeting the child alters and I was afraid of some of the adult alters.�

�And now?� Andrew asked.

T�a smiled again. �Now I love and understand all of them. I understand the rage and violence that has always been in Todd. I understand his fears.� T�a laughed. �I understand the way that amazing mind of his works. He understands me, too. That�s something I�ve discovered. He understands or instinctively knows what I need and he gives it to me. Then of course he becomes terrified again and tries to sabotage everything. It�s his way of controlling the disaster he believes is waiting there for him. It�s as if Todd has accepted that nothing good will ever happen for him. Or if something good does seem to be happening, he will be punished for feeling any happiness. He believes there is no longer a point in asking for disaster or punishment not to happen. So the best he can hope for is to be the one to control the disaster.� T�a rubbed her forehead. �Am I making any sense?�

Andrew placed his hand on T�a�s arm the way he often did when he spoke to friends or parishioners. �Perfect sense. Todd shoots himself in the foot before someone else has a chance to shoot him. The whole time he was growing up had no control or power to stop bad things from happening. Now he makes the bad things happen himself, so that he feels in control.�

T�a squeezed Andrew�s hand. �Yes! That�s it. That is exactly it. I just came to truly understand this recently. It explains so much. Every time Todd wanted more than the business relationship that we started out with, he felt out of control.�

�So he shot whatever you began to have to hell so that he�d feel in control.�

T�a nodded.

�Todd has to learn to trust himself as much as he has learned to trust you. His asking me to come here proves to me just how much he does trust you?�

�How?� T�a asked.

�Todd believes he wants me to be your safe choice. What he really wants is for you to never leave him, no matter what. He trusts you, T�a. He trusts you to choose him, even if you have another choice and even if he thinks that�s what he wants.�

�He set this up as some kind of unconscious way to test me, didn�t he?�

Andrew laughed. �Yes, I think he did.� Andrew shook his head. �I never thought I'd say this. I�m very happy to see that Todd is still Todd in so many ways. I�m not saying I like being manipulated. I guess I�m happy to see that everything Todd has been through hasn�t taken away the things that make him unique.� Andrew�s face turned sad and serious. �I don�t consider myself blameless in all of this. I tried to come between you and Todd. I tried to get Todd sent to prison for a crime he didn�t commit.�

T�a took Andrew�s hand again. �I know I used you. I didn�t realize it when it was happening. I hurt you when you were always, always, a good friend to me. I�m sorry.�

Andrew squeezed T�a�s hand back. �We don�t choose whom we love. Todd was able to give you what I never could.�

T�a laughed sadly. �He�d never believe that.�

�I�m not so sure about that. I think Todd has been looking for some kind of miracle all his life. The miracle was someone that would love him, not in spite of what he is, but because of what he is. I think you�re that miracle, T�a. You�re able to see every side of whom and what Todd really is. You see the side that most of us, including Todd, think of as a monster and you still love him and accept him. You see the good Todd and you love and accept him, too. What you don�t do is what most of us have done to Todd. You don�t ask for that good side to come out before you love him. You let him know you�ll help him bring it out, if that�s what he wants, and you let him know that even if it never comes out again, you will love him anyway.�

�Viki and Sam love Todd unconditionally, too,� T�a pointed out.

�From what Viki has told me, Todd believes they feel obligated to love him. Todd knows you�re under no such obligation. As Todd said, it�s all about choice. He is your choice.�

T�a closed her eyes as two tears slowly cascaded down her cheeks. �He is,� T�a whispered. �He is my choice. He has been since the day we met. Andrew, I know Todd asked you here. I�m still very happy that you came to visit today. You are such a good man. I want you to be happy. I want so much for you to be happy.�

�I am. I have my son. River is a blessing in my life I�ll always be grateful for, and Cassie and I have been getting close again.�

�You have! Oh, Andrew.� T�a hugged him. �That�s wonderful. I�m so happy for both of you.�

�We have a way to go. We�re taking things slowly. We�re seeing a counselor and trying to figure out what happened between us.�

***********

Frank had been watching Todd closely as Todd watched T�a and Andrew. What few attempts Frank made to engage Todd in conversation were met with mumbled �Yeahs� and �Uh-huhs.� Todd�s attention never drifted from T�a and Andrew.

Now that Todd set T�a up with the man he hoped would save her, Frank saw no relief in Todd�s eyes. He saw anger and jealousy. Every now and then Todd�s eyes would burn with those feelings. With his back to T�a and Andrew, Frank did not see T�a take Andrew�s hand on a couple of occasions or hug him. Frank didn�t want this to escalate into a situation. �Okay Todd, it�s time to stop this. You still need to clean up and change your clothes. You can either say goodbye to Andrew or go on to start your ADLs and I�ll tell Andrew you said goodbye.�

Todd didn�t care if Andrew left. He�d seen enough. �I�ll go say goodbye myself.�

�Okay, buddy. I�ll walk you over there.� Frank wanted to be within arm�s length of Todd.

************

Andrew was telling T�a about a playdate Starr had with River when Todd walked back to where they sat.

�I�m baaaaaaack,� Todd said in a singsong voice. He forced a broad smile. �Andrew, did you raise T�a�s spirit or were you the only one to get a rise out of this little get together?�

�Is there anything else you�d like to talk about before I go?� Andrew asked calmly, despite his own feeling of discomfort.

Todd turned to T�a. �Are you going back to Andrew�s with him?�

�No.� There was an angry edge to T�a�s voice. �Did you really think I would be?�

�I thought you�d be smart enough to do what�s best for you,� Todd�s voice matched T�a�s in anger.

�I am.� T�a�s tone became softer. �That�s why I�m staying right here.�

Todd�s eyes blazed with anger. �I don�t need your charity or pity.� Todd�s angry glare shifted to Andrew. �Does she score extra points in heaven for helping the insane? Or does she win first prize, time alone with you, and your righteous staff?�

�Andrew.� T�a kept her eyes on Todd as she spoke. �You need to leave now.�

Andrew stood up. �Yes, I think I do.�

�You don�t have to go anywhere,� Todd barked. �They want me to go get cleaned up. You see, it takes me a while because I�m not as fast as I used to be. I guess I�m the only one here who can say that.�

�Andrew,� T�a pointed to the doors. �I have some things I need to say to Todd and I don�t think he would want me saying them in front of you.�

Andrew faced Todd. �You have a chance to get well and have everything you�ve always dreamed of. Allow yourself to take it Todd. Don�t throw it away because you believe something that isn�t true. You deserve the love T�a and everyone here has for you. Let yourself feel it. You�re T�a�s choice. You are now and you always were. There�s nothing either of us can ever do to change that.�

Todd�s eyes were filled with fear and desperation as he looked into Andrew�s eyes. His lower lip quivered. �Thanks for coming. You tell Viki I said to give you a big check for the donation plate.�

Andrew smiled. �When you�re discharged, you can come to mass and put it in the plate yourself. It can wait till then.� With that, Andrew left the unit.

Todd faced T�a. �Frank,� Todd called out, without taking his eyes from T�a. �I�m ready to do my ADLs now.�

�They can wait!� T�a was obviously still angry.

�Hey you know they keep a tight schedule around here. I wouldn�t to screw up everyone�s day.�

�Frank, would it be all right if I spoke to Todd before he takes his shower?� T�a asked.

�Sure it would. I�ll be right over here,� Frank pointed to a seat a few chair lengths away from where T�a stood with Todd.

Todd glared at Frank furiously. �You work for me! You do what I need you to do.�

�I work for the hospital and I do what�s best for you,� Frank responded gently.

�Whatever,� Todd mumbled. He turned to T�a with a sheepish look on his face. �You�re mad.�

T�a took a deep calming breath. �That was a lousy thing to do to me and to Andrew.�

�He didn�t seem to mind being here too much, at least once you showed up.�

�He came here because you asked him to. He had no idea I�d even be here.�

�Once you were, it was like old times, wasn�t it!�

�What was . . . Andrew and I having a conversation?�

�You couldn�t wait to get me out of the room so you could be alone with him?�

T�a looked up to the heavens in frustration. �Ay dios mio. You purposely left the room so that I�d be alone with Andrew.�

�You two didn�t waste any time getting all touchy and feely with each other.�

�What!� T�a didn�t know what he was taking about.

�I�m not blind anymore. I saw you. You and the good Reverend Grab a Feel While You Can couldn�t keep your hands off of each other.�

�What are you talking about?� T�a didn�t even realize that she had taken Andrew�s hand or remember hugging him. Neither gesture meant anything to her.

�I saw you holding hands with him. I saw the two of you holding each other. Maybe his hand wasn�t the only thing you were holding.�

T�a felt Todd pushing buttons he hadn�t pushed in a long time. It went just so far this time. T�a knew too much and understood too much to give Todd the reaction he was aiming for. �Stop it,� she said softly.

�Stop what?� Todd asked angrily.

�Stop trying to get me so angry with you that I�ll walk out on you. It�s not going to work. You might make me angry. You�ll never push me away . . . not anymore . . . not ever again.�

Todd took his eyes from T�a�s. He looked down at the floor. �You liked having Andrew here. You like talking to him. Why don�t you just admit it?� The anger was gone from Todd�s voice. Desperation replaced it.

�Andrew will always be my friend and I will be his. Yes, I like to talk to him. I especially liked talking to him today because of what he had to say.�

Todd�s eyes met T�a�s again. �What did he have to say that was so special?� he asked anxiously.

�That he recognizes love when he sees it. He recognizes it when two people are meant to be together for the rest of their lives. He understood about choices. He understood that you have always been and will always be my first choice and my only choice, no matter who else is around.�

Tears stung Todd�s eyes. He turned his back to T�a. However, he didn�t move away.

T�a tenderly placed her hand on Todd�s shoulder. �Did you really think I�d leave you for Andrew if I had the choice?�

�You should. You�ll be safe with him.�

�I�m safe with you. When are you going to believe that?�

�I don�t believe it because it�s not true. I hurt everyone I care about and love. When are you gonna believe that!�

�Never. Why should I believe something that�s not true either? I know you�re afraid of what you�ll do to me because of things you�ve done in the past. When you were a child, you weren�t given a choice Todd. You were forced to do things that you never would have done otherwise. You had no choice,� T�a said firmly. �As a young adult you made some bad choices and some people were hurt. You made those choices because things from your childhood twisted your mind and made you want to do things that you hated yourself for doing. The part of you that made those the choices that hurt people has changed and will continue to change even more. You�re getting help to make it change all the way.�

Without turning around, Todd reached up and grasped T�a�s hand. He held it tightly. �What if you�re wrong?�

�When was the last time you wanted to cause someone pain? I don�t just mean not caring if you manipulate someone a little to get what you want or feel you want to embarrass someone out of revenge or jealousy. I mean when is the last time you wanted to physically hurt someone or to see someone truly suffer?�

�Patrick,� Todd whispered. �I wanted him to go to jail.�

T�a rested her free hand on Todd�s other shoulder. She leaned in until the sides of their faces were almost touching. Todd still didn�t pull away. �Okay, Patrick . . . even Patrick . . . did you want him to die or be hurt physically?�

Warm tears trickled down Todd�s cheeks. He shook his head. �I never meant for that to happen to him. I never meant for Marty to lose him and for their baby to grow up without a dad. Don�t you see, Delgado? Even when I don�t do the hurting, people around me get hurt anyway. I�ve been trying to tell you that ever since we went to that inn.�

�I know you have,� T�a confirmed. Her tone was soft and gentle. �I knew you wouldn�t hurt me then and I haven�t changed my mind. Do you know why?�

Todd shook his head again. His grasp on T�a�s hand tightened.

�Because I saw how frightened you were over what happened to Patrick. You weren�t frightened of the terrorists. You were frightened of yourself . . . of the part of you that hated so much that you set something in motion you couldn�t control, and Patrick got hurt in a way you never wanted him to be hurt. You were also trying to protect Marty from someone you thought would end up hurting her and instead you hurt her. That was a turning point for you Todd. I saw your face the day Patrick died on our floor. I knew then that you would never go after someone like that again and I was right, you haven�t.�

Todd thought about what T�a said. �I tried to go after Andrew when I thought . . . when . . .�

�When you thought I chose him?� T�a helped him say what he couldn�t.

�Yeah,� Todd said in a voice barely above a whisper. �And I tried to go after Bo in my newspaper.�

T�a smiled. �Yes, but it was not in the same way you went after Patrick. I think you felt the difference.�

Todd nodded. �Yeah.�

�You never again hurt or caused someone to get hurt after you saw what your rage and jealousy set in motion. You were able to break that pattern on your own, just the way you were able to break the cycle of abuse on your own and be such a good father to Starr. You�re the strongest person I know Todd. You did those things without help. Now you have help. You don�t have to struggle alone to fight the demons inside you. They won�t win Todd. They are overpowered and outnumbered. You don�t ever have to be afraid of loving someone and letting someone love you. We are safe. We will stay safe. The only thing that will ever hurt those of us that love you is losing you.�

T�a felt Todd�s body tremble. He turned around and rested his head on her shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her and held onto her for dear life.

T�a stroked Todd�s head. �Mi amor, I promise you it will be all right. If you can�t trust yourself to keep from doing things you don�t want to do, trust in my belief in you until you can trust yourself.�

�I�m really your choice?�

�You always were,� T�a whispered in his ear.

�You really won�t be sorry that I�m your choice?�

�T�a smiled. I haven�t been yet, not with everything we�ve been through. Not a day goes by that I don�t thank God for bringing you into my life. I know that as long as we�re together, I�ll always have something to be thankful for.�

Todd lifted his head from T�a�s shoulder. His eyes met hers. �I love you, T�a. I love you so much it hurts.�

T�a reached up and caressed Todd�s cheek. �It�s a good kind of hurt. I know because it�s the same way my love for you makes me feel.�

Todd pulled T�a to him and held her tightly.

�I love you Todd . . . only you . . . forever . . . only you.�

�La mia T�a bella.�

T�a knew that voice. She pulled back enough to look into his eyes. They were warm and filled with love, without a trace of fear mixed in with the love. T�a smiled. �Rodd.�

�Guardo I vostri occhi, gli angeli cantano le canzoni dolci.�

T�a�s smile broadened. She understood enough to know that Rodd told her that the angels sing sweet songs when they look into her eyes. �I�m always very happy to see you Rodd. It�s been a while. How have you been?�

�Better, now that I�m with my T�a.�

Frank stood up. �Hello Rodd.�

Rodd put his arm around Frank�s shoulder. �Frank, it is always good to see you. You are so kind to me. When I am free, I take you and your wife out to dinner, yes? I know some very fine restaurants in Philadelphia. I make a show of the town for you.�

Frank patted Rodd�s back. �That�s sounds great. Rodd, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?�

�Not at all. I will be of help in any way I can.�

�Is Todd able to hear what�s going on or is he with Goodone?�

Rodd�s eyes moved as if were looking for someone. He also appeared to be listening very hard. �I don�t know if Todd is with Goodone. I do know that he is not seeing or hearing us.�

�Could you tell what Todd was feeling right before he went inside?�

Rodd smiled. His eyes shifted to T�a. �He was feeling very much what I am feeling right now.�

T�a blushed.

�T�a, I�m sorry,� Frank apologized. �I�ll talk to Rodd in the dayroom.�

�No. It�s all right. I want to hear what Rodd has to say,� T�a assured him.

Frank wanted to ask his questions while everything was fresh in Rodd�s mind. �Rodd, are you saying that Todd wanted to be sexual with T�a?�

Rodd�s eyes stayed on T�a. They burned with passion. �Todd�s mind was already making love to T�a, now his body wanted to as well. He could not handle that.� Rodd stroked T�a�s cheek with the back of his fingers. He lifted her right hand and brought it up to his lips. He kissed it gently. �Those feelings do not scare me. I am not afraid of what my body will do. I know that I would never hurt my T�a.�

T�a felt herself respond to Rodd. Guilt washed over her. The way she felt around Rodd always made her feel like she was cheating on Todd.

Susannah walked down the hall from her office. Terry let her know Rodd came out. Frank would fill her in on what happened with Andrew later.

Susannah smiled warmly. �Hello Rodd.�

�Doctor Hanen.� Rodd returned Susannah�s warm smile. He held his hand out.

Susannah took it.

Rodd placed his other hand on top of hers and shook it. �It�s always a pleasure. You have been doing wonders with young Tom. He is not as upset as he used to be. He has his little Randy back. This makes him very, very happy much of the time. He is also happy because T�a loves him. He believes she will marry him when he grows up. I don�t think there is harm in allowing the child to believe this. He�s happy because his Coach and Viki love him. He is also very happy that Kevin is his friend. He doesn�t cry as much anymore. He becomes frightened sometimes. Still, he is doing better. It makes things easier for Miss Perkins. She is getting on in years and she has her hands full with our little Timmy.�

�Can you tell me what�s going on with Timmy?� Susannah asked.

�He acts very much like a child younger than his four years. He doesn�t listen to Miss Perkins the way he used to. He gets angry and he has the tantrums. He cries for his friend Andy. Pete gets angry because Timmy cries so much. Although Pete will never admit it, he wants love and attention from Miss Perkins too. Pete stays in his room most of the time. Tom tries to play with Timmy. Timmy gets easily frustrated and ends up more upset. Timmy does like to cuddle with Randy. Tom, as always, is generous. He shares. Timmy does get some peace when Miss Perkins holds him and rocks him. As I said, she is getting on in years. It is not easy for her. She loves all of us very much and will do whatever it takes to help us. I try to help. I play with the children. I hold them. I tell them stories. I tell them that I will take them to visit my family when I can go home. I tell them there is more than enough love to go around in my family. It is not enough I suppose. They need more.�

T�a, Susannah and Frank were upset to hear that Timmy was still suffering so and that everyone else in that compartment of Todd�s system was suffering as well because of it. They were happy to know that Tom was doing better.

�Is Miss Perkins ill?� Susannah inquired.

�I pray not,� Rodd answered. �I believe it�s just more aches and pains than before. She seems very tired.�

Susannah thought for a few moments. �Rodd, I would have to discuss this with Todd, Viki and Sam and first and get their consent. If they agree, do you think it would be helpful to you or to Miss Perkins, or even to Pete, to attend group sessions with other people who live inside someone else?� Susannah remembered that some of them were offended by the term alter or by being referred to as other parts of Todd. �The other members of the group would have jobs similar to those each of you has. Miss Perkins could attend a caretakers� group. Pete could attend a group with people that are very angry over what was done to them or what they�ve seen done. You could attend a group of people whose job it is to help the person they live inside of deal with . . .�

�Romantic matters,� Rodd said with a smile, finishing Susannah�s sentence for her.�

Susannah smiled back. �Yes. The groups are small, perhaps five people in each group at the beginning. Many in the groups are already outpatients. They can tell you or some of the others that live with Todd how they cope with life outside a hospital setting. The members of each group have their job in the system in common. They discuss how this job makes them feel . . . problems they might have because of it . . . things like that. Everyone hears how the others cope or some might make suggestions to help others in the group cope. Group members can talk about anything they need to and discuss any issues they have.�

�Of course I cannot presume to answer for Miss Perkins or Pete,� Rodd began. �As for me, I would very much like to attend such a group. I enjoy socializing. I like to be of help when and where I can be. I cope quite well; perhaps I can help others to do so.�

�Great,� Susannah said enthusiastically. �I will talk to Viki, Sam and Todd as soon as possible. If it is all right with them, I will ask for each of you to come out when that particular group is in session. If you can�t come out on your own, I will try to help whoever is out to relax. It will make it easier for you to come out.�

Rodd looked into T�a�s eyes again. �Perhaps there is a group for those in love with people that are in the same situation as we are. I think my T�a has feelings that confuse her.�

T�a�s mouth hung open. She realized Rodd could read her down to her very soul. He knew she was feeling confused and guilty over her feelings for him.

�Actually, T�a,� Susannah informed. �There are groups for the significant other of someone with DID. Rodd�s suggestion that you attend one of these groups might be very helpful to you. It is normal to be confused by what you feel for Todd and each of the people that live inside him. There are other women and men that share this confusion. I won�t push you. If you feel you�d like to attend one of these groups, let me now and I�ll make arrangements.�

T�a was still overwhelmed by Rodd being able to read her the way he did. �I . . . uh . . .�

Rodd placed his finger on T�a�s lips. �Shhh, I�m sure Doctor Hanen does not expect you to decide at this very moment.�

�Of course I don�t,� Susannah assured T�a. �You take all the time you need to think about it. These groups are ongoing and there are several for each special need DID patients, those that live inside them, and those that are close to them have. You can join one at any time.�

�Thank you. I�ll think about it,� T�a managed to get out.

�So,� Rodd broke the tension. �I see there is sun out. Is it morning or afternoon?�

�It�s morning,� T�a volunteered.

�I am famished. I wanted to know if it was for breakfast or lunch,� Rodd announced with a smile on his face. �T�a, have you eaten breakfast?�

T�a shook her head.

�Good.� Rodd took T�a�s hand. �My appetites always increase when I�m around you. Would you care to have breakfast with me?�

T�a stared into Rodd�s eyes. She was mesmerized by them. �Yes. I would love to have breakfast with you.�

Susannah whispered to Frank, �His ADLs can wait. Let him have some time with T�a.�

�I would like so much to cook for you,� Rodd said wistfully. �I would make you a feast.�

Susannah smiled. She knew this was one wish she could make come true for Rodd. �That can be arranged, if you don�t mind working in a small kitchen?�

Rodd turned to her. His eyes danced with happiness. �I can truly prepare a meal for my T�a?�

�You sure can. Two of the techs would have to be with you, right outside, but you can be in full charge of the kitchen. If what you need is not here, we can order it from the hospital kitchen or someone will go to a nearby grocery for it. The pantry has a two burner stove, a microwave and a regular oven. There are different kinds of bowls and utensils and some pots and pans. I believe there�s a blender or some kind of mixing device.�

Rodd laughed. �You do not cook, do you Doctor Hanen?�

Susannah laughed too. �No, Rodd, I do not cook, not at all.�

Rodd faced T�a. He now took both her hands in his. �You would like this, yes?�

T�a saw the excitement in Rodd�s eyes. �Oh, yes. I would like this very much.�

�My T�a likes Eggs Benedict.�

�How did you know?� T�a asked in surprise.

�I would hear and see you order that when you and Todd went out to breakfast. There were times I was able to watch. Sometimes you would order Eggs Benedict and sometimes French toast with powdered sugar on it.�

T�a smiled and nodded. �Yes, those are my two favorite breakfasts.�

�Then that is what my T�a shall have. Frank, I can give you a list of ingredients I will be needing, yes?�

�You bet buddy. Let�s go to the nurses' station and make that list.�

When Rodd added alcoholic products to the list, he prefaced it by assuring Frank, �I know Todd�s body is on medication and there is to be no alcohol consumed. It is for my T�a�s food and glass.�

Frank patted Rodd on the back. �You got it.�

�Excellent. Thank you Frank. Please bring back enough ingredients so I can make a feast for everyone. You like to eat, yes?�

Frank patted his stomach and laughed. �Yes, very much, as you can see.�

Rodd smiled. �Terry, if Sam and Viki have not eaten, please tell them there will be enough for them and for Kevin too if he�s here.�

�Will you be able to do all of that in such a small kitchen?� Terry asked.

�When Todd was in college, I prepared the most wonderful meal for a girl he went out with. I did it on a hotplate. Unfortunately Todd came back near the end of it. He was frightened and confused as always when he came back in the middle of something he knew nothing about. He said some unpleasant things to her. He wanted her to leave and she did.�

*********

Rodd and T�a waited in the dayroom while Frank shopped. Rodd asked Angelo to turn on the radio. Rodd found the station he was looking for. The sounds of opera filled the room. As Rodd translated for T�a, tears would fill his eyes. It was obvious he was deeply moved by the music.

Viki came back to the unit. She had been gone for nearly two hours. Instead of going to the hospital cafeteria, Viki took a long walk. The cool spring air felt good. She tried to clear her mind of her worries and breathe it in. It worked for a few minutes at a time before thoughts of Todd, Sam and her own demons would intrude and peace was nowhere to be found.

Viki was stunned to hear that Todd had called Andrew. She was equally as stunned to discover why. She was pleasantly surprised to hear that Rodd had come out. Viki went to the dayroom to say hello to him. She knew he wanted to be as alone as he could be with T�a. She declined his offer of a home cooked breakfast.

Rodd knew Viki understood. He hugged her warmly. �There is much love in all our hearts for you,� Rodd said softly.

Tears formed in Viki�s eyes as she hugged him back. She excused herself. Viki went to the lounge to check on Sam. No one had seen him. She hoped it was because he was still asleep and not because he left without anyone noticing.

*********

When Frank returned with everything Rodd needed, Rodd took T�a by the hand and led her to the pantry. He sat her down at the small table in the room. �You will inspire the food to be even more delicious,� Rodd said softly.

Frank and Angelo stood outside the cramped pantry/kitchen area. Soon everyone on the staff, including Susannah, peeked in to catch a glimpse of Rodd�s culinary skills. He seemed to be a master. The tight space and less than ideal cooking area didn�t faze him. He hummed to himself as he worked. Soon wonderful aromas filled the air. Rodd looked very happy and in his element. T�a was shocked when Rodd pulled out the bottle of Brut Rose Champagne that he had stashed in the freezer to chill it quickly.

To Rodd�s delight, Frank picked up some plastic champagne glasses. Rodd popped the cork and poured some into T�a�s glass. He opened and poured some sparkling cider into his own.

Rodd held his glass up.

T�a did the same with hers.

�Al soltanto donna dei miei sogni. To the only woman of my dreams.� Rodd toasted.

T�a gazed into Rodd�s eyes. She felt like a schoolgirl out on her first date.

�My dreams of my T�a are the sweetest dreams of all. Do you ever dream about me?� Rodd asked hopefully.

T�a looked up at him shyly. �I have dreamed about you Rodd,� she confessed.�

Rodd smiled knowingly. �I hope they were as wonderful as mine about you were.�

Rodd saw T�a blush again. He got his answer. He stood up. �Time for me to make the hollandaise sauce.�

�Ummm. Oh my god!� T�a exclaimed when she tasted the first bite of the egg dish Rodd served her. She was not exaggerating for Rodd�s benefit. This was one of the most amazing dishes T�a had ever tasted. The delicate flavors came together in her mouth. There was a unique taste to it that T�a had never known one of her favorite dishes to have.

�It is to your liking, yes?� Rodd asked with a grin on his face.

�It is to my liking most definitely yes,� T�a responded and took another forkful. �Where did you learn to cook like this?�

�My parents enjoy cooking. I�m sure I have told you that.�

T�a wanted to kick herself. She remembered Rodd telling her that. It was apparent Rodd�s belief in his warm, loving family was as intact as ever. �Yes, Rodd, you did. I�m sorry. All my brain can think about is the incredible taste of these Eggs Benedict.�

�You keep room inside for French toast. That is coming next,� Rodd announced joyously. �I will make more eggs now, for everyone.�

T�a was not the only one who thought she died and went to heaven after one taste of Rodd�s cooking. Susannah and the staff exchanged smiles and looks of amazement at the never-ending talents of their young patient.

After everyone had been served the egg dish, Rodd started on the French toast. When he finished, he placed two slices of it on a plate for T�a and two slices on his own plate. He placed a paper doily on top of each slice and sprinkled powdered sugar over the doilies. It left a lace pattern of sugar over each slice. Rodd left many portions of it in the oven to keep warm. He told the staff to help themselves.

Despite some moans over how many calories they were consuming and their growing waistlines, no one could resist Rodd�s cooking.

Rodd placed one of the plates in his hand in front of T�a. He sat down next to her and placed the other plate in front of his seat.

�This is so lovely,� T�a commented as she looked at the pattern of sugar.

�There is nothing in this world more lovely than you,� Rodd said softly.

From almost any other man this would sound like �a line.� When T�a looked into Rodd�s eyes and saw the sincerity and love in them, she knew he meant every word. Rodd made T�a feel like the most special woman on the planet.

As with the eggs, this was the most delicious version of this dish T�a had ever tasted. �Rodd, you could be a professional chef,� T�a stated honestly.

Rodd smiled. He ran his hand up T�a�s arm. His fingers stroked her neck. �I love to cook, but most of the time I prefer to put my energy into other talents.�

T�a felt a tingling sensation rush through her body. She could hardly catch her breath.

Rodd�s smiled knowingly. He held the champagne glass up to T�a�s lips. �I think my T�a needs a cool drink, yes?�

�Yes,� T�a whispered. She could barely get the words out.

�I�m afraid I make things too hot in here for my T�a,� Rodd said softly.

�Rodd . . . I . . .�

�With the stove and oven going in here, of course. It makes it hot.� Rodd gracefully let T�a off the hook.

T�a�s eyes welled with tears. �Rodd, I always have such a good time with you. It wasn�t just this extraordinary breakfast you cooked. I love to spend time with you.�

Rodd stared deeply into T�a�s eyes. His own eyes filled with sadness. �There is another falling shoe coming, yes?�

T�a looked puzzled for a moment. Then she smiled sadly. �You�re waiting for the other shoe to drop.�

Rodd nodded. �Si.�

�Rodd . . . I do love you. I love every . . . you are very special to me. You . . .� T�a couldn�t find the words.

�It is Todd that you want this kind of love from. I know you have special feelings for me, but it is Todd who owns your heart.� Rodd stroked T�a�s hair. �I want you to be happy and have what you desire. I will do all I can to help Todd someday give you the kind of love I want to give you now.�

Tears streamed down T�a�s cheeks.

Rodd picked up a napkin and gently wiped them away. �So much sadness. It is all right. If you are happy I will be happy. Today you made me very happy. To cook for you has been a dream of mine. It is selfish of me to take up all the time. I cannot find Todd for you, but I am sure Timmy or Tom or both of them want to spend some time with you.� Rodd kissed T�a tenderly on the forehead. He allowed his lips to linger for an extra moment. He pulled away slowly. He stroked T�a�s cheek and cupped it in his hands. Love emanated from his eyes. �Arrivederci per ora la mia T�a bella. Avrete sempre mio amore.� Rodd smiled again. This time there were tears in his eyes. �Goodbye for now my beautiful T�a. You will always have my love.� Rodd seemed to be taking one last look at T�a before he slowly closed his eyes.

SECRETS

CHAPTER 123� PAGE 3

T�a quickly swiped at her cheeks as more tears fell. She did not want one of the children to see her crying.

As Todd�s eyes opened, T�a smiled in anticipation of seeing Tom or Timmy again. She was shocked by the anger she saw in those eyes.

�Weren�t expecting me, were you, Delgado?�

T�a jumped. She recognized those eyes. Even if she hadn�t, the only two who called her �Delgado� were Todd and Pete.

�I didn�t even do nothin� to you and you�re already scared of me!� Pete said through a clenched jaw.

�I�m not. Pete, I�m not. You surprised me. Rodd was out. He told me Tom or Timmy was going to come out.�

�Knock off the shit, Delgado. I�m the last person on earth that you or anyone wants to see.�

T�a was happy to see Frank walk into the pantry from his post outside it.

Frank too had been brought to tears by Rodd�s unselfish love for T�a and by his goodbye to her. He was equally surprised to hear Pete�s voice.

�That�s not true, Pete. I want to spend some time with you,� T�a said honestly. She did. She�d wondered how Pete was after the last time he was out. She remembered that, for just a moment, Pete allowed himself to feel her love. He allowed himself to feel Viki and Sam�s love as well.

What neither T�a nor Susannah and the techs knew was that as soon as Rodd had stepped inside, Pete pushed him aside before Rodd had a chance to help one or both children to come out. Rodd feared Pete. He hated himself for being afraid of a fourteen-year-old boy. Nevertheless, he feared him. Rodd quietly went to his room after Pete forced his way out. He sat on his bed. He thought of T�a. He felt his heart breaking.

Pete told himself he wanted to come out to get away from the others he lived with. He wanted to believe it was peace and quiet he craved. He would never admit it, not even to himself; he wanted some of the love and attention he saw the children and Todd get.

Pete saw some French toast left on the plate Rodd had been eating from. He picked it up with his fingers and crammed it into his mouth.

�Pete, are you hungry?� Frank inquired. �We can call down or send out for whatever you like. There�s also some more French toast in the oven.�

�You don�t have to pretend to be nice to me. I�m not like those other wimps and losers. I don�t need none of you.�

�I don�t have to pretend. I like you,� Frank responded.

�Yeah, right,� Pete mumbled. He stood up and pushed the chair he�d been sitting in out of the way. He moved close to T�a. He stood over her in a threatening manner.

Frank moved in closer.

Jeff followed Frank into the small pantry. They all hoped there would be no incident in these tight quarters.

Susannah rushed back to the pantry when she heard Pete had come out. She stood outside, with some of the other staff. They were ready to act if necessary.

Pete started to play with a strand of T�a�s hair. �The girls in school were afraid of me. They didn�t like the things I said to them. They didn�t understand that I�m the man. What I say goes. What about you, Delgado? Do you understand that?�

T�a looked up at Pete.

He expected to see fear in her eyes. Instead he saw love. Pete let go of T�a�s hair. He backed away. �I can hurt you! I can hurt you bad if I want to. I�m the man! I�m strong!�

�I know you�re strong and you can hurt me if you want to,� T�a acknowledged. �I don�t think you want to.�

Pete stared at T�a. �You think you�re a fucking smart ass, don�t you, Delgado. You think you know what I want.�

T�a stood up and moved closer to Pete.

Susannah and the staff were on guard. They were afraid Pete would escalate if they told T�a to step away from him.

�I know what I hope you want, Pete,� T�a said softly. �I hope you want love, because that�s what I want to give you. That�s what Viki and Sam want to give you too, the love we feel for you.�

Pete�s breathing became erratic. �That�s bullshit. That is such bullshit.�

�No. I think you know it�s not. I�m wondering if you remember the last time you were out.�

Pete looked at T�a suspiciously. �Yeah, I remember, so what!�

�So you allowed yourself to feel the love we all have for you. It was only for a minute, but you allowed yourself to feel love, Pete.�

�It was a trick!� Pete countered.

�In what way was it a trick? Did anything bad happen to you because of it?�

�Shut up! You�re confusing me.� Pete was becoming agitated. �I don�t see Viki or Sam around here. Yeah, sure they love me. They�ve given up on me and Todd and all of us. They don�t even want to be around us anymore.�

�That�s not true,� Frank intervened. �Viki was just here. She thought Rodd wanted to be alone with T�a so she left. Sam didn�t sleep well last night so he is sleeping late this morning. They�re both here in the hospital, in the family lounge. How about I send someone to let them know you�re here?�

�Don�t bother. I don�t need them. I don�t need anyone.�

�They need you Pete. They need to see you when you come out because they love and care about you,� Susannah said from the doorway. �Would it be all right if I let them know they can visit with you now?�

�Whatever,� Pete grumbled.

Susannah turned to Gwen. �Please see to it that Viki and Sam know Pete is here.�

�I don�t like it in here,� Pete announced. �Kitchens are for women and fruits like Rodd.�

�We can go to the dayroom,� Susannah suggested.

�I can go by myself. I don�t need a fucking parade tagging along.�

�Two of the techs have to be with you,� Susannah said firmly.

�Let �em. I don�t give a fuck. I don�t give a fuck if you come either.�

Susannah knew this was Pete�s way of asking her to go with him.

�Pete, would you like me to go to the dayroom with you?� T�a asked.

Without looking at her, Pete mumbled, �Do what you want.�

�I want to come with you,� T�a admitted.

�So, I�m not stopping you. I�m the one that�s a prisoner here, not you. You can do whatever the fuck you wanna do.�

They knew that was as close to saying he wanted T�a with him as Pete was going to get.

***********

Pete walked around the dayroom brushing his hand over everything. It was as if he wasn�t sure he was really there.

�Would you like something to eat or drink?� Don asked.

�A beer,� Pete smirked.

�Sorry, no can do,� Don replied calmly. �How about a soda?�

�I�ll take a Coke,� Pete answered, �and a bacon cheeseburger and fries. I don�t want none of that wimpy crap that Rodd made.�

�I�ll call down to the cafeteria. They can have that sent up here in about fifteen minutes.� Don was very happy to see that Pete was hungry and willing to eat. He exchanged smiles with Frank and Susannah.

Pete walked over to T�a. �Hey, Delgado. Rodd wanted to fuck you. Did you know that?�

T�a knew he was trying to be crude to get a reaction. �If Rodd was having sexual feelings for me, he wanted to make love to me, Pete. That is not the same as just wanting to fuck someone.�

Pete�s eyes filled with surprise and confusion. �Yeah, well he didn�t get what he wanted because he don�t know how to act like a man.�

�How would a man have acted?� Susannah probed.

�He woulda taken what he wanted.�

�What about a real woman, shouldn�t she have a say in what she wants to do?� Susannah asked.

�Women are lying whores. They don�t have real feelings. They only pretend to care about people. They use men for what they can get from them and then they fuck around with someone else. They think they can be the boss when it�s the man who�s always the boss and gets to tell them what they can do and when.�

�Does that apply to all women?� Susannah asked calmly.

Pete picked up a pillow from the sofa. He tossed it in the air like a ball. After a minute, he replied, �Not all of them.�

�What women doesn�t it apply to?� Susannah inquired.

Pete threw the pillow in the air a few more times. �Michelle.�

�Michelle wasn�t any of the things you just mentioned?� Susannah pressed.

�NO! Michelle loved us for real. I don�t wanna talk about Michelle anymore.�

�Okay,� Susannah quickly agreed. �Are there any other women that have been in your life that this doesn�t apply to?�

�Miss Perkins,� Pete added. He looked into Susannah�s eyes and then T�a�s. �You waiting for me to add you two to the list?�

�Only if you believe we�re not like that,� Susannah stated.

Pete shrugged. �You�re both still here, so I guess you�re not. I guess Viki�s not either. But all other women are!�

�What about Todd�s mom?� Susannah remembered that Pete became agitated when someone called Barbara Manning his mom.

�She�s the queen whore!�

�You believe she lied when she said she loved Todd,� Susannah verbalized what Pete implied.

�Do you see her here? She was too busy fucking that new husband of hers to ever be there for Todd or anyone. She was too busy being a drunken slut to be there before she started fucking her new husband. She�s probably somewhere fucking the devil now!�

�You�re very angry at Todd�s mother,� Susannah stated.

�I don�t feel nothing about her. She didn�t do nothing to me. And Todd and some of those wimps deserved what happened to them.�

�Did you see a lot of what Peter did to Todd and the others?� Susannah asked.

�I saw enough.� Pete stared into space as he answered.

�How did seeing some of the others get hurt make you feel?� Susannah prodded.

�It made me hate them even more.�

�They were the ones being abused. Why did you hate them?�

�I told you! They�re losers. They couldn�t stop the hurting so they deserved it.�

�You believe if someone can�t stop someone from hurting them they deserve what they get.� Susannah rephrased.

�Wimps deserve what they get,� Pete answered. He threw the pillow up in the air again.

�What about the children? Do you think a small child like Timmy can stop an adult from him?�

Pete threw the pillow into the air one more time. He caught it and plopped down on the couch while still holding it. �Maybe Timmy couldn�t stop him.�

�Pete,� Susannah began. �Todd and everyone that lives inside Todd was as young and small as Timmy, some even younger and smaller, when Peter hurt them. What could such tiny children have done to deserve to be hurt?�

�Whatever they done, he thought they deserve to be hurt,� Pete said. He put his feet up on the coffee table.

�So you think Peter Manning was a good man and only did what needed to be done.�

Pete put his feet down and jumped up. �Peter Manning was a miserable sadistic bastard! He deserved to die and I would have killed him if Sam hadn�t stopped me. I�m always the one that had to do the dirty work. None of those losers had any guts. I�ve helped Todd over and over again. I�ve taken so much shit for him. You got no idea. All I got for it is being locked up here because he�s crazy.�

�You�re angry with Todd and some of the others for not being appreciative of your help.�

�I don�t want no goddamn medal, but he don�t have to act like a scared little girl every time I try to talk to him either.�

Susannah suddenly realized that Pete missed being able to talk to Todd. He felt slighted that Todd didn�t respond or act like he appreciated him. That fueled Pete�s fury and made him want to hurt Todd. �Do you try to talk to Todd often?�

�Not anymore. I used to and he freaked out. So now I only talk to him when I wanna freak him out.�

�Todd doesn�t understand about you and the others Pete. He becomes frightened when he hears voices. He�s afraid of being mentally ill,� Susannah explained.

�What does his being nuts have to do with me? I�m not some spooky voice from the grave or something. I�ve protected Todd from so much shit . . .� Pete�s voice trailed off.

�You want Todd to care about you. You want him to acknowledge what you�ve done for him.�

�I don�t need him or anyone to care about me. Todd can go fuck himself for all I care.�

�Okay,� Susannah conceded, �so you don�t need anyone to care about you. What about what you would like? Would you like Todd or someone else inside with you or out here to care about you?�

�Where the fuck is that hamburger? Did they have to go find a cow to kill first?� Pete asked, changing the subject.

�It�ll be here in a few minutes,� Frank called out. �Would you like some crackers or something in the meantime?�

�I�ll wait,� Pete mumbled. He plopped down in the chair next to T�a�s. �Hey, Delgado, were you really gonna burn Todd?�

�What?�

�That time in the garden shack . . . you tied Todd up . . . were you really gonna burn him?�

T�a grimaced at the memory of that. �No. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I�m sorry I did that, sorrier than you can imagine.�

�Everybody always wants to teach Todd a lesson,� Pete�s voice was filled with disgust. �Sometimes I hate him so much for being such a wimp.�

�Todd wasn�t being a wimp. I had him tied up,� T�a defended Todd.

�He let you, a girl, get the best of him. That�s because he feels. He always fucks up because he feels. He hated himself for what he did to you and he thought there was a chance that you forgave him and wouldn�t leave him so he untied you. Stupid and a wimp,� Pete spat out. Pete stood up. He straddled the chair T�a was sitting in, towering over her.

�Move away from T�a, Pete,� Frank called out.

�You never could have done that to me. You know that right? I�m strong. No one, even someone way bigger and tougher and stronger than you, could ever do that to me.�

�Pete you have one more chance to move away from T�a on your own. If you can�t, we�ll have to help you move away,� Frank said firmly.

�It�s all right,� T�a called out. She didn�t take her eyes from Pete. She remembered how frightened she once would have been if he�d done this to her. Now she knew with certainty that he wouldn�t hurt her. Looking up at Pete, she said, �I know no one could have done that to you. I hope Todd can forgive me for doing it to him.�

Pete stared into T�a�s eyes as if he were trying to decide if she meant it. He stepped away from the chair. Pete was confused. Intimidating a woman didn�t make him feel the way it used to . . . powerful . . . in control . . . like he was tougher and stronger than Peter Manning. T�a wasn�t showing fear. She didn�t make Pete feel like he was something horrible that needed to be feared. In turn, he didn�t feel that way about himself and his need to hurt and intimidate lessened.

Pete faced T�a. �I just wanted to make sure you knew . . .� Pete looked at everyone in the room . . . �that all of you know I can�t be messed with.�

�We know that Pete,� Susannah assured him.

Angelo entered the dayroom carrying the burger and fries that the cafeteria worker had just delivered to the unit.

Pete grabbed the burger off the tray before Angelo had a chance to rest it on the dining table. He bit into it hungrily. �Ketchup . . . there ain�t no ketchup on it,� he complained with his mouth full.

�There are plenty of packets of ketchup on the tray. Why don�t you sit at the table and you can put on as much as you like,� Angelo suggested.

�Yeah, yeah,� Pete grumbled. He did sit at the table. As soon as Angelo placed the tray in front of him, Pete tore into several packets of ketchup with his teeth. He squirted them on the burger and all over his fries. He continued to eat hardily. �Hey, Delgado,� he called out. �I�ll let you have a couple of my fries if you want.�

T�a understood that Pete wanted her company while he was eating. She walked over to the table and sat down. She took a fry.

�Don�t give me none of that knife and fork crap you give Todd,� Pete said while chewing on a big bite of the burger.

T�a smiled. She shook her head. �I won�t. I realized that there�s a reason for everything and some things aren�t as important as I once thought they were.�

�Whatever,� Pete mumbled as he shoved several fries in his mouth. �Delgado, you know what I�m gonna do when I get out of here. I�m gonna get into Todd�s fastest sports car and I�m gonna put the top down and drive like the wind for hundreds of miles.�

�It sounds like fun, but I wouldn�t want to see you get hurt,� T�a said softly.

�Yeah, like you�d care if I got hurt?�

�I would care very much. Pete I wouldn�t be able to take it if you got hurt.�

Pete stared into T�a�s eyes for a moment. He looked away and took an angry bite out of his burger. �Cause you think Todd would be hurt too. You don�t gotta worry about that Delgado! I know none of you believe me, but I�m gonna be separate from Todd someday. I�m gonna be free of him and if something happens to him it won�t happen to me and the other way around so you and everyone else don�t gotta worry if I drive right into a tree and you�re picking my guts off the branches. You�ll still have wimpy Todd around.�

�You�re right, Pete,� T�a began. �I couldn�t take it if something happened to Todd. I also couldn�t take it if something happened to you. If Todd was fine, but you were hurt or dead I�d be devastated and so would everyone else. We care about you, about Pete, regardless of Todd.�

Pete sat quietly for a few moments, processing what T�a just said. �So you could do some of the driving to make sure we didn�t go that fast.�

T�a knew Pete was saying he wanted her to go with him. �I�d love to take a long drive with you, with the top down, and going oh . . . how does sixty-five miles an hour sound?�

�That�s still breaking the laws in a lot of places,� Pete stated. �You�d do that?�

�On some roads. A girl�s gotta live a little dangerously,� T�a said with a smile on her lips. She took another fry.

Pete still seemed a little suspicious and confused about everyone as he wolfed down the rest of his meal. He didn�t say anymore. He stole occasional glances at T�a between bites.

**********

Sam had just stepped into the shower when Viki got back to the family lounge. He had been in there for almost an hour. He stood under mostly cold water, trying to get rid of the headache and hangover he had. It wasn�t helping. Nor was it helping with the intrusive thoughts that pelted Sam�s brain like hailstones against a windshield. Sam hated himself for not killing Garret. He hated himself for not stopping Peter.

Over and over again he thought about the night he stopped Pete from killing Peter. He thought about the three years he had known Todd before that night. Vivid pictures of Todd�s bruised little face and body, the way they looked that very first day Sam met Todd, assaulted his mind. Three years, Sam thought, three years of torture I could have saved Todd from. Then Sam added up the three and a half years from the time he stopped Pete from killing Peter until Todd left Chicago for Llanview. How could I not know that something so terrible happened to him that night? That sweet boy I knew would never try to strangle his father. I saw him only hours after all that happened to him. I saw the look in his eyes and I stopped him from killing that monster and I left him there. �Oh, god, I left him there,� Sam cried out loud. �What happens if they do find Michelle�s body someday and find the bat with her and Bill is forced to say what he knows? I will never let Todd go to jail for that. I�ll spend the rest of my life hiding him if it ever comes to that,� Sam vowed.

Viki didn�t want to intrude. Nevertheless, she was about to call to Sam and try the door if he didn�t answer. Much to her relief, Sam came out of the shower. Viki saw that he looked somewhat better than he had. He still looked sick and troubled. Viki did not have time to ask Sam how he was or tell him that Rodd was out when Jeff knocked on the door. Viki answered it. He told her Pete was out and asked for them, in his own way.

Sam walked to the door in nothing but a towel. �We�ll be there in five minutes. You tell him that. You make sure he knows we�re coming and want to be there for him.�

�Sure Sam,� a surprised Jeff answered. �I�ll tell him. He�s all right. There�s no crisis. In fact he asked for a burger and fries to be sent up. He�s hungry.�

�Just tell him we�ll be right there,� Sam barked. He closed the lounge door in Jeff�s face.

Sam rushed to get dressed. He threw on the first things he got his hands on. He didn�t stop to shave or comb his hair.

�Honey, Jeff said Pete is doing fine,� Viki said in the hope Sam would slow down.

�Are you ready?� Sam asked impatiently.

�Yes. Sam, Pete asked for you. He loves you. All of them love you.�

Sam glared at her. �Let�s go.�

*************

Pete finished off the last of the burger and fries. He gulped down the remaining Coke in the cup. He was just wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his sweatshirt when Viki and Sam entered the dayroom. Pete stood up. �I told them to tell you that you didn�t have to come if you didn�t want to,� he declared the second he saw them.

Viki walked up to him. She smiled. �We wanted to. Sweetheart, don�t you know how much we�ve missed you?�

�You don�t have to call me sweetheart. I don�t need that kind of crap.�

�Does it bother you if I call you that?� Viki asked.

Pete shrugged. �Go ahead if it makes you happy. I�m not gonna stop you.�

They all understood. Pete liked Viki calling him by a term of endearment, so he had to make sure no one thought he liked it or needed it.

Pete stared at Sam. �You look like shit. Is something wrong with you?�

Sam looked down in embarrassment. �No, pal. I�m fine. I-I just woke up.�

Pete moved closer. �You gonna die on us Sam?�

Sam looked horrified.

Everyone in the room exchanged quick uncomfortable glances.

�No!� Sam�s voice trembled as he spoke. �I won�t leave you. I don�t want you to ever be afraid of that.�

�I�m not afraid of anything! I was just asking. I don�t need no babysitter,� Pete snapped. He turned back to Viki. �I know you wish Todd or one of those whiney brats was here but you�re stuck with me.�

�Sweetheart, I meant what I said. We�ve missed you. You don�t come out very often and we were very happy to hear that you did come out today.�

�How come? It�s not like I do anything to make you happy to see me when I�m around.�

Viki moved in closer to Pete. She saw his muscles tighten. Despite this, she didn�t move back. �You are smart, and sometimes funny, with that awful sense of humor of yours. You�re honest. We all know where we stand with you. You�re strong and you�ve done so much to protect everyone inside. We like being around you. We admire you and we are proud of you.� Viki took Pete�s hand. �Sweetheart, we love you.�

For a second, Pete gently squeezed Viki�s hand. Then he quickly pulled away. �I don�t always wanna help Todd. Sometimes I hate him for feeling and for being such a loser and such a wimp that he needs me to help him. It�s my job so I do it. You can take back all that admire and love crap now.�

Viki smiled. �It wouldn�t matter if you never lifted another finger to help Todd or anyone else. We would still love and admire you for just being who you are . . . for just being Pete.� Viki moved closer to him again. �Will you let us love you? You have a choice. No one is going to force you.�

Pete stared into Viki�s eyes. �You won�t get loved back. I don�t love nobody. I don�t even know how.�

�You don�t have to love us back. If and when you are ever ready to, the love will come. You�ll know it when you feel it.�

�And if I never feel it?�

�Then at least you will have given us the gift of being able to love you,� Viki said tenderly.

Pete stood silently and thought for a minute. �What�d I gotta to for this love stuff?�

Viki smiled. �Exactly what you�ve been doing, be yourself. There are a few other things that come with being loved.�

�I knew there�d be a catch. There�s always a catch. Okay what other things?�

�You don�t have to do them, but it would make us happy if you did,� Viki began to explain. �We wish you would talk to us about things that make you angry or frustrated or sad, or about anything you�re feeling.� Viki saw that Pete was still listening. He didn�t shut down. �It would also make us happy if you would allow us to hug you now and then.�

Pete�s muscles tightened again. �Touching is for hurting people, not loving them.�

�No, pal,� Sam joined in. �Only bad touching is for hurting people. When you know how to show love you use good touching.�

�Did it feel good or bad when we all hugged you the last time you were out?� T�a asked.

Pete turned his back to all of them. He walked over to the window.

Susannah held her hand up to let them know he needed time to process.

After a couple of minutes, they heard Pete whisper, �Good.�

Susannah motioned for Viki to approach him first.

Viki stood in back of Pete. �Yes, sweetheart, it felt good. If felt good for us too. You made us happy by allowing us to express our love for you that way.� Viki waited a few seconds. She saw Pete shrug. He still kept his back to her. �I�m so happy to be able to spend some time with you it makes my heart burst with love. Would it be all right if I hugged you now?�

Pete gave no response for another half minute.

Tears filled Viki, Sam and T�a�s eyes when Pete turned around. He stood stiffly, with his arms at his sides. His muscles were tight as a drum.

Gently, Viki embraced him. His entire body shuddered. It seemed to reject physical affection at first. Then it was as if he melted in Viki�s arms. She felt Pete responding to the hug as if his life depended on it.

Other than the brief moment Pete had tolerated a display of affection, the last time he was out, Pete had never known anything like this before . . . the warmth . . . the safety . . . the love. It enveloped him. He clung to Viki. It made him feel like he never wanted to lose these feelings. This in turn caused Pete to panic. He felt. This terrified him. He knew what happened to people who could feel things. Pete began to feel vulnerable. This made him angry. He pulled away so forcefully Viki almost toppled over.

�Sweetheart, what is it?�

Pete backed away. �I know what you�re trying to do. I know what all of you are trying to do.�

�We�re not trying to do anything to you, Boomer,� Sam interjected.

�Don�t you fucking lie to me and don�t you fucking call me Boomer!�

�Pal, I�m sorry. I swear. Viki loves you. I love you.�

�Pete, tell Viki and Sam what it is you think they�re doing to you,� Susannah prompted.

�You�re setting me up!�

�How are we setting you up?� Viki tried to keep her voice calm.

�You want me to feel all this love shit and get to need it so I�ll be a sitting duck and then you can use it against me.�

�No, sweetheart, we do love you. We�d never use your feelings against you,� Viki tried to assure him.

�Explain to Viki, T�a and Sam how you feel love can be used against you,� Susannah directed.

�You want me to believe you love me and feel it so I�ll become like Todd and some of those stupid kids and need you. You want me to care if you love me or like me. Then I�ll care what you think about what I do. I�ll become like a dog begging for a pat on the head. I�ll be weak and I won�t be able to fight back. I�ll just stand there and say �Yes sir� to everything. You�ll use my feelings to get me to do any kind of disgusting shit you want me to do and to hurt anyone you want me to hurt. I decide who I hurt and who I don�t hurt. No one else!�

Pete pointed to Sam. �You�re gonna get me to feel so you can do sick disgusting things to me.� He pointed to Viki and T�a. �And you two are setting me up so you can walk away forever and then laugh at me for being such a stupid idiot for feeling all this looooooove. I�M NOT STUPID! Don�t you fucking confuse me with some of the others. I�m not gonna cry myself to sleep over you like a little girl when you leave me and I�m not gonna stand by and let you do whatever you want to me because I think that�s the way to get you to like me.�

�Pete,� Viki called out. She took a few steps closer to him. �I know it�s terrifying to trust love when love has always hurt you and betrayed you before.�

�Not me! Nothing�s ever hurt me.�

�Yes, I�m sorry. It hasn�t. You have seen Todd and some of the others get hurt and betrayed by love, haven�t you?�

�Yes! So don�t think I�m gonna fall for it.�

Viki tried to explain. �Peter Manning was a sick, twisted, sadistic man. He had no idea how to love anyone. He didn�t deserve to have a child as wonderful as Todd and all of you that live inside him. Barbara Manning was a scared, weak woman. She tried her best to protect Todd and everyone else. She couldn�t. She hated herself for not being able to keep her child from being hurt. She drank to numb that pain. Her fear won out over everything else she felt and she left. Pete, she regretted it until the day she died. From what we can tell she never knew a happy moment again for the rest of her life.�

Viki moved a few steps closer. �Do you know what my father did to me?�

Pete looked into Viki�s eyes. �Yeah, I know.�

�So you can believe me when I say I know what it is to love someone who hurts you. I know what it is to be vulnerable to that person and have him use your love for him to hurt you and make you do what he wants you to do.�

Pete�s eyes filled with pain. �Then why would you want that for me if you really do care about me Viki?�

�Because I also know what it�s like to love someone that you can trust and someone that will never use your love for them to hurt you or use you in any way. I know what it�s like to love someone who will never give up on you and leave you no matter what you do. I know that being able to love and accept love from someone who knows how to love is the best feeling in the world. It�s the complete opposite of loving someone that will hurt and use you. I want you to experience good love Pete. Sweetheart, I don�t want you to miss out knowing what that feels like.�

�Pete,� T�a called out from where she stood. She didn�t want to overwhelm him. �I know what a big risk loving someone is too.�

�Cause your mom dumped you?� Pete asked in his blunt way. There was obviously no sarcasm or malice in his tone.

�Yes. Trusting people was terrifying to me. Once I did it, it was like Viki said. It was the best feeling in the world. I�ve never known anything like it. You are so much stronger than I am. You�re stronger than anyone. If I can do it, I believe with all my heart that you can.�

�So you trust Todd now?� Pete asked. It wasn�t rhetorical. He truly wanted to know.

�Yes I do. I trust Todd and I trust you.�

�Big mistake Delgado. You know I can hurt you.�

�I do know you can, yes.� T�a nodded. �I also know you won�t. I wasn�t kidding when I said I would go away for that drive with you Pete. I trust you not to hurt me wherever we go.�

�Sweetheart, do you think you can risk giving us a chance?� Viki asked.

Pete swallowed hard. �I don�t know.�

�You don�t have to love us back. Can you just allow us to love you?� Viki coaxed.

Pete desired the feeling he had when Viki hugged him. He desired it as strongly as a junkie desires his drug of choice. Pete nodded.

�I�m so proud of you pal,� Sam called to Pete. �Will you let me hug you?�

�Yeah,� Pete whispered.

Sam walked over to Pete. He took him in his arms and held him tightly. The way Viki had, Sam felt Pete�s body respond to his hug. �I love you pal. I love you so much. I swear to god that I will never let anyone hurt any of you again.�

�How come you didn�t love Todd?� Pete asked.

Sam pulled back. He placed his hands on Pete�s shoulders. �I love Todd. My God how I love Todd. What makes you think I don�t?�

�You never wanted him. You let him get hurt. You must have thought he deserved it.�

Viki and T�a closed their eyes in dread of Sam�s reaction. They knew Pete�s words were tearing through his heart. They could also tell Pete was not trying to hurt Sam. There was innocence to his tone as he asked Sam that question. Pete was trying to understand how Sam could say he loved someone and then stand by while they were being hurt.

Sam pressed his lips together tightly. He nodded his head several time. He was desperately trying to hold it together. �I swear to you. I never wanted Todd or anyone to get hurt. I never, for one moment, believed Todd or anyone that lives inside him deserved to be hurt. I have no excuse for letting it happen. I was not as good a friend to all of you as you deserved. I made mistake after mistake with every one of you. I was selfish. I gave priority to the wrong people. I should have seen what Peter Manning was doing. All of you gave more than enough signals. I should have known.� Tears spilled down Sam�s cheeks. �I should have known,� he repeated. �I closed my eyes to what I was too weak, selfish and stupid to face. If you hate me, if all of you hate me, I understand. I want your love and forgiveness, even though I know I don�t deserve it. If it�s not too late, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to all of you as best I can. I can swear to you that even if you hate me and will never forgive me, I will never allow anyone to hurt any of you again.�

Pete looked at Sam�s face, tear stained and racked with pain. �We�re cool,� Pete stated softly.

Sam grasped Pete in a hug again. �I love you. I love you. I�m so proud of you. I�ve always wished you were my son and I still do. I love my own son, but I wish he were as strong and smart and generous as all of you. He got the short end of the stick from me too. I ended up being a lousy father to you and to him. I�m so sorry I wasn�t there for all of you. I�m so sorry I didn�t stop Peter and Garret from hurting you.�

Pete froze.

Sam felt Pete�s muscles turn to stone. He tightened his hug on him. �I�m sorry,� Sam said quickly. �Oh, god, Pete I�m sorry. I-I-I shouldn�t have mentioned Garret. Oh man. It�s all right. Pete it�s all right.�

Pete pushed Sam away with such force that Sam slammed into the wall. Pete ran and made it out of the dayroom before anyone could stop him. He pushed Terry aside as he passed her, almost knocking her over. He ran to the doors that led off the unit and hit them running. The thud he made and the doors rattling reverberated throughout the unit. The doors held fast, they didn�t give.

After checking to make sure Sam was all right, Susannah ordered him, T�a and Viki to stay in the dayroom. She then rushed out to help with Pete.

�Pete,� Frank called out. �Get away from the doors. You don�t have to talk about anything you don�t want to talk about. You do need to calm down.�

Pete kicked the doors with all his might.

Angelo, Jeff, Frank, Steve, Terry, Susannah, Nancy, Don and Janet stood where Pete could see their show of force.

�You will not be able to get through those doors Pete,� Susannah tried. �You need to calm down. Will you take some medication to help you calm down?�

�FUCK YOU!� Pete screamed. �I�LL FUCKING KILL THE FIRST PERSON WHO COMES NEAR ME. YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING BITCH! ARRGGGHHH!� Pete screamed in frustration as he threw his body against the doors again.

The staff moved closer to him. Eileen stood by with a syringe filled with sedation, in case it became necessary.

�YOU FUCKING LET ME OUT OF HERE!� Pete shouted. He threw his body against the doors one more time. He tried kicking them open again.

�Should I call a code?� Nancy whispered to Susannah.

�Not yet,� Susannah whispered back. Her instincts told her to hold back. Pete needed to feel this fury.

Pete beat his fists against the door. �LET ME OUT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I�LL NEVER LET YOU DO THAT TO ME! I�LL KILL YOU! I�LL FUCKING KILL YOU BEFORE I LET YOU DO THAT TO ME. I�LL KILL YOU! I�LL KILL YOU. I�ll kill you. I�ll kill you.� Pete�s voice was now barely audible. His fists were more brushing against the doors than hitting them. �I�ll kill you,� Pete mouthed as he slid down against the doors. Pete brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in them.

Susannah motioned for everyone else to stay back. She slowly approached Pete. She knelt down a couple of feet away from where he sat huddled on the floor.

Pete sensed Susannah�s presence. He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. �He never did stuff to me,� Pete whispered. �No one ever did. No one.�

�I know he didn�t Pete,� Susannah confirmed. She saw the desperation that she believe him in his eyes.

�I helped. I did. I took some of the beatings when Todd couldn�t take it anymore. I showed them who they were messing with. I tried to fight back at the beginning. I never let the other prisoners make fun of Todd. Some of them were afraid of me. They knew I�d hurt them. I wanted Garret and the guys with him to be afraid of me too.� Pete�s chin trembled. His teeth clenched. �He laughed at me, just the way he did.�

�Garret and his friends laughed at you the way Todd�s dad did,� Susannah restated.

Pete nodded. �I wanted to kill him. I would have if I ever got him alone.�

�There were always others with Garret,� Susannah verbalized what Pete implied.

�He was a fucking coward. He was afraid to be alone with me. I would have! I would have hurt him. I would have banged his head into the wall and knocked him down and then I would have kicked him in his gut and in his back and in his balls. I would have turned him face down and pushed his stinking ugly face in the dirt.�

Pete�s speech was so rapid he was tripping over his words and gasping for breath as he continued. �I would have banged his face against the floor until he fucking bit his tongue off. I would have ripped all his clothes off and made fun of his cock. I would have shoved his nightstick so far up his ass it would have come out his throat. I would have tied him up and smashed his head in with a baseball bat until his brains splattered all over the fucking wall. I would have thrown his body into a stinking hole in the ground where no one would ever fucking find it and he�d be there alone with no one to care about him forever.�

Susannah and the staff realized that Pete was talking about both Garret and Peter.

A loud sob escaped deep from within Pete�s throat. �I hate him! I hate him. I tried to help. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill both of them. I tried to help. I did. I did. I�m strong! I am! I never let them do that to me.� Pete�s shoulders shook as more sobs racked his body.

Susannah moved closer to Pete and sat on the floor next to him.

Pete looked into her eyes. He threw his arms around her and held on for dear life. He let out a blood curdling scream that permeated the entire unit. �I�m strong. I�m strong,� Pete chocked out. His hands were clenched so tightly on the back of the shirt Susannah was wearing that her skin was being pinched along with the material. Pete�s sobs were loud and gut wrenching.

Susannah never flinched. Her arms remained wrapped tightly around Pete, comforting him, letting him know he was loved and cared for. �You are very strong Pete. Sometimes even the strongest people can get hurt when someone has an unfair advantage over them.�

Sam had rushed out of the dayroom when he heard Pete�s scream. Viki and T�a followed.

Frank and Janet held their hands up to stop Sam from approaching Pete.

Sam saw Pete in Susannah�s arms. Guilt and jealousy washed over him. He blamed himself for slipping about Garret and bringing this on, and he longed to be the one who could comfort Pete.

�I tried to stop Garret too. I did! I pushed him off of Todd the first time he . . . he . . . I tried. He beat Todd so bad he could hardly walk for a few days. I tried to help Todd when he�d think of ways of escaping. Todd would freak out even more when he heard me. He�d hold his ears and yell �Shut up! Shut up!� I figured fuck him! So I stopped talking to him. I tried to set him straight about his father that night too and he freaked out then when he heard me. I tried to help! I did!�

�I know you did Pete,� Susannah acknowledged. �Todd and the others never would have survived without you, not the night you tried to kill Todd�s father and not in Statesville. Todd doesn�t mean to hurt your feelings. He doesn�t understand. He becomes frightened when he hears you and the others.�

�I tried to stop him. I tried,� Pete said over and over again. �I had my hands around his neck. Sam came in and stopped me.� It was obvious Pete was either talking about Peter Manning or confusing Peter with Garret. It was also obvious that Pete and Susannah had no idea Sam was hearing this. They couldn�t see him from where they sat. �I don�t know why Sam did that. I never could understand why he wanted that fucking bastard to keep hurting Todd and the others. I could have made it all end that night, but Sam stopped me. Why? Why didn�t he come when we were in Statesville? What Todd did to Marty was in all the papers. He must have known we were there. I kept waiting for him to show up. Todd did too. He must have thought we deserved to be hurt by Garret too . . . unless Sam really meant all that stuff he just said to me?� It was clear from Pete�s tone that he desperately wanted more assurance that what Sam had just said to him was true.

Viki and T�a exchanged horrified looks. They knew what this was doing to Sam.

Sam stood perfectly still as Pete continued to hold onto Susannah. Sam listened as words and sobs of anguish poured out of Pete.

�It�s very true,� Susannah confirmed. �Sam loves all of you so much. He didn�t want to see you go to prison for murdering Todd�s father. Pete he had no idea what Todd�s father had done. Sam didn�t know things were so bad for all of you in Statesville either. He would have been there for you. Sam is very angry with himself for not being around when you needed him. My guess is that if Sam could live anything in his life over, anything at all, he would choose to go back to the night he stopped you from strangling Todd�s dad.�

�You mean he would have killed Peter for us?� Pete asked sincerely. He was starting to calm down. His death grip on Susannah had lessened. Now he was staying securely snuggled in her arms. Pete let go of her just long enough to wipe his nose with the back of one hand.

�No, hon. Sam would have taken all of you out of Peter�s house. He would have found a way to protect you. He just didn�t know.�

�We tried to tell him. All of us did.�

�I know,� Susannah said as she gently rubbed Pete�s back. �Sometimes people have a hard time imagining that a parent can abuse a child. People like to think that parents protect their children. It�s difficult for some people, especially people like Sam who would never hurt a child, to imagine a parent being abusive, let alone as abusive as Todd�s dad was.�

�You think Sam really meant it when he said he doesn�t think we deserve what happened to us?� Pete asked plaintively.

�I know he does.� Susannah�s hug tightened to a tender squeeze for a moment. �Sam thinks all of you are the best kids a dad can have. He wishes he were your dad. He wishes it so hard it hurts. Sam is so proud of all of you. He never stops regretting the missed chances he had to help you.�

Sam was more confused than ever. Susannah seemed to be trying to make things right between him and Pete. Once again Sam wondered if he could be so wrong about her and about everything, or was this still some kind of plot? Viki gently placed her hand on Sam�s shoulder. He pulled away harshly. �I�m going to the lie down.� Sam walked away without waiting for a response.

Pete shrugged. �No one could have stopped Todd�s dad or Garret anyway. They liked hurting us too much.�

Susannah noticed Pete included himself. �Pete,� she began gently. �I know you are very strong and powerful. As I said before, sometimes even the strongest people are at an unfair advantage. You said you took beatings for Todd sometimes. Did Todd�s dad or Garret ever hurt you in any other way too?� Susannah felt Pete�s muscles tighten. Then she felt his head nod slowly against her shoulder.

�Todd�s dad,� Pete admitted. �He didn�t know he was messing with me. He thought it was Todd. Sometimes I would come out to try to help Todd and he wasn�t finished with him yet. He didn�t know it was me. He thought it was Todd. He thought it was Todd! He never would have done that to me because he knew I was too strong! He thought it was Todd! I�m strong!�

Susannah continued to rub Pete�s back. �I know. You are very strong. You are strong enough to help Todd even if it means you get hurt yourself. That�s about as strong as anyone can be.�

Pete pulled back. He looked into Susannah�s eyes. He saw no judgment or pity, only compassion and admiration. �Yeah, that is real strong. I�m still real strong. Everyone�s still afraid to mess with me when they know it�s me, right?�

�That�s right. You are very strong Pete,� Susannah reassured.

Viki and T�a both had tears streaming down their cheeks. They had always suspected Pete had been physically and sexually abused. Yet, to hear him admit it was almost more than they could bear.

��Did Garret mess with you too?� Susannah pressed.

Pete shook his head. �Razor handled that. He helped me and Todd. I�d be there most of the time when Garret thought he was beating Todd. Sometimes Razor would come out for the beatings too, if I was too sore from the last one. Razor would always come out when Garret was ready to stick his cock or his nightstick into Todd. Guess Razor�s really strong too.�

�Yes he is,� Susannah confirmed.

A curious look covered Pete�s face.

�Pete, are you hearing or seeing something?� Susannah asked.

�Todd�s listening,� Pete said, shocking everyone in the room.

�Can you see Todd?� Susannah pressed.

Pete nodded. �He�s holding his hands over his ears. He�s crying. There�s a man with him. He�s holding Todd and telling him it�s okay to hear. That figures! We help him and he don�t even wanna hear about it. He stands there crying like a little girl.�

Susannah�s heart rate quickened. This was a breakthrough she had been waiting for. �Pete, Todd is frightened. Even the bravest of people get frightened.�

�Whatever,� Pete mumbled.

�Can Todd hear us right now?� Susannah asked.

Pete nodded.

�Would you mind if I spoke to Todd?� Susannah inquired.

�You want me to go away,� Pete stated anxiously.

�No. I want you to stay right here. Would you like to tell Todd that he makes you feel bad when he doesn�t acknowledge your help?�

�You tell him he pisses me off!� Pete ordered.

�I�d like you to tell him,� Susannah instructed. �First I�d like to see if Todd will join us and then I�d like you to tell him how you feel.�

�He won�t come out if he knows I�m here. You said I make him think he�s even more wacko.�

Susannah smiled. �Let�s try. Will you help me try to get Todd to come out?�

Pete thought about it for another few seconds. �Yeah, why not?�

�Okay,� Susannah began. �Pete, I want you to close your eyes and try to relax.�

Pete looked frightened.

�I�m not trying to make you go inside,� Susannah promised. �I�m trying to make it easier for Todd to come out.�

Pete surprised Susannah by resting his head on her shoulder as he closed his eyes. She put her arm around him. Pete snuggled against her. She felt his body relax.

�Todd,� Susannah called to him. �I think you can hear and see us. I know you�re frightened by what you heard. Pete would like to talk to you about it and so would I. I think Papa would like you to come to us. There�s nothing at all to be afraid of. Pete doesn�t want to hurt you. He wants to talk to you. I know Pete has done some things to scare you in the past. That was because he was angry. You can understand that. You�ve been angry and lashed out. Pete is not angry right now. I think it will help both of you if you get to know each other face to face.�

Susannah felt a difference in Todd�s body. She watched as he shook his head.

�Todd, I know you�re afraid. I think your papa will help you if you want to come out all the way. I�m not going to force you and neither is Goodone. He�ll help you if you want to come out, but he won�t force you.� Susannah hoped Goodone was able to hear her. �Todd, will you let Papa help you come out and talk to us?�

Susannah felt the body revert back to Pete. �He still thinks I�m gonna yell at him and make his head hurt,� Pete volunteered.

�Can you tell Todd that you don�t want to do that?� Susannah requested.

Pete sighed. �What she said,� he offered begrudgingly. He looked up at Susannah. He knew that wasn�t what she wanted. �Yeah okay,� he muttered. Pete looked at Todd without removing his head from Susannah�s shoulder. �You don�t gotta be afraid of me. I�m not gonna do nothing to hurt you. I�ve helped you way more than I�ve ever hurt you anyway. I don�t know what you�re making such a big deal over. You get me pissed sometimes so I got back at you. It�s not like a little headache is gonna kill you.�

Susannah felt a change in Todd�s body again. She felt the muscles tighten like a drum. She felt his body shudder and then she heard a small whimper.

�Todd?� Susannah asked softly.

Todd looked up at Susannah. It was clear he was trying to get his bearings.

�Let your eyes focus on my face Todd,� Susannah directed.

Susannah�s face became clearer. Todd held onto her tightly. His line of vision shifted a few inches. �Are you one of the ones who yell at me?�

�Sometimes,� Pete admitted, �when you piss me off.�

��I heard what you said about Garret.� Todd began to tremble. �I remember what he did to me.�

�To us!� Pete corrected Todd firmly. �You went inside and left me and Razor there. We�re the ones Garret hurt the most.�

Todd�s trembling increased. He clung to Susannah.

Pete looked on longingly. He didn�t like Todd taking his place next to Susannah.

Todd felt someone trying to push him away.

�I was here first!� Pete protested.

Susannah shifted her position on the floor. She placed her other arm around Pete. �How�s this?� she asked. She hoped that would work out.

Those in the room saw Todd�s head lean away from Susannah. They understood that somehow Pete was able to feel that he was on her other side, leaning his head on her other shoulder.

Susannah knew she�d have to make sure to turn her head to either side as she addressed each of them.

�Todd, can you see and hear Pete?� Susannah probed.

Todd nodded.

�Tell Pete why you�re afraid,� she prompted.

�Y- you . . . you shout at me and make my head hurt.�

�That�s �cause you treat me like shit. I have to stick around to help you and you won�t even let me talk to you.�

�I-I didn�t know you were helping me,� Todd admitted.

�Newsflash Einstein, I�ve been helping you for years. Who do you think came out to take all those beatings when Garret got a hold of us in Statesville?�

Todd buried his head in Susannah�s shoulder. �I don�t want to talk about Garret.�

�That�s too bad,� Pete said before Susannah had a chance to respond. �I had to talk about him so you do too.�

�Todd,� Susannah pushed gently, �what do you remember about Garret?�

Todd looked at Susannah with frightened, desperate eyes.

�It�ll be all right. I think you�re strong enough to talk about Garret now.� Susannah realized that Pete was only mentioning Garret, not Peter. This told her that Todd was not able to handle remembering Peter�s abuse on the night of his birthday or any of the times his father raped him before or after that night.

�I don�t remember anything about Garret,� Todd lied.

�You spoke about Garret to Ray Martino,� Susannah reminded him.

�How do you know that?� Todd was shocked.

�Ray sent me your records from when you were in therapy with him.�

�So everything I said to him and everything I say to you is written down for the whole world to see!�

�No. I�m your doctor. Your records are confidential. Viki had to give Ray permission to send your records to me. The staff and I are the only ones who have access to any personal information about you. When you are well enough, you will decide who gets to see your records.�

�What�s the big deal? Everyone knows you�re crazy anyway,� Pete commented. He honestly thought he was helping.

Todd hung his head.

�Pete,� Susannah began. �No one thinks any of you are crazy. Todd, I promise you that you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. Are you okay with Ray sending me your chart?�

Todd shrugged. �Bet Ray was glad to get rid of me anyway.�

�No. Ray likes you very much. He cares very much about you. I�ve also spoken to him on the phone. Everything he said and wrote indicates that he admires you very much. He thinks you are extremely bright and gifted. He was sorry that you never continued therapy with him.�

�He never tried to see me. He moved away.�

Susannah realized Todd had issues of abandonment with Ray. �Did you let him know you wanted to see him?�

Todd thought for a few moments. �No. All that crap happened with me finding out I was Victor Lord�s son and then Blair happened. I stopped thinking about all that childhood stuff.�

�That�s why you�re still nuts,� Pete called out. Pete saw the look Susannah gave him. �I listen. I hear you sometimes.� Pete defended his remark. �Todd has to talk about all that childhood stuff or he�ll be nuts forever and we�ll be locked up here forever.�

�I wasn�t a little kid in Statesville.� Todd pointed out.

�No, but you were hurt while you were there, weren�t you?� Susannah asked.

Todd shrugged again.

�Do you remember what you told Ray about Garret?� Susannah pressed.

�Garret picked on me. He made me feel like a little runt because I couldn�t fight back. He�s the one who had the badge.�

�In what ways did Garret pick on you?�

�He�d make fun of the scar on my face. He�d pin me up against the wall in the exercise yard. He�d . . . he�d have someone take me from my cell at night and take me . . . I can�t,� Todd choked on the words.

�I can!� Pete called out.

�No,� Todd begged.

�You gotta start knowing stuff or we�re never gonna get out of here. I had to face it. Now it�s your turn.�

Todd clawed at Susannah in his desperation to hold onto her. �Make him stop! You make him stop.�

�Honey, you�re strong enough to handle this. Papa wouldn�t have let you listen if you weren�t.�

�Yeah, you got a dad to help you. That�s more than I got! I want you to know what we did for you . . . me and Razor. We were there after you went away. It was us Garret threw us against the wall or on the floor. We were the ones that he kicked and stepped on and beat with his nightstick. It was our face that he forced into the dirt and our tongues and lips that got cut. It was Razor�s ass that Garret shoved his cock and nightstick up. He raped us. He raped all of us!�

�Nooooo,� Todd whimpered. �I�d never let anyone do that to me. Never. NEVER!�

�Doctor Hanen says it doesn�t mean that we�re not strong. She says we couldn�t help what happened because it wasn�t fair. He was the one with the badge and with the friends with badges. Nobody could have stopped him, even if they were the strongest person in the whole world.�

�He must have thought we were . . . that we liked it� Todd said and hung his head in shame.

�Like Marty liked what you did to her,� Pete said angrily.

�No . . . no I . . . you shut up about Marty!�

�Todd,� Susannah intervened again. �Think about what Pete is saying to you. He�s not trying to hurt you.�

�He�s saying I deserved what happened because of what I did to Marty. Okay, maybe I did!�

�I don�t think that�s what Pete is saying. Will you give him a chance to explain?� Susannah asked.

Todd looked Pete in the eye. �Go ahead.�

�I heard some of the stuff you and that shrink Ray talked about and I heard some of the things you and Doctor Hanen talked about. What I heard was that no one asks to be raped no matter what they do and that it�s not someone�s fault if they got raped. So what Garret did is not our fault and it didn�t mean that we liked it or asked for it.�

Everyone in the room was in awe Pete. He was showing them a side he never allowed to be seen before. It was very apparent that Pete was listening more than anyone suspected and that he was able to process what he heard on his own. His self-imposed isolation must have left him with many questions and issues that were pouring out of him now.

�Todd,� Susannah asked softly when Todd sat silently. �Do you agree with what Pete just said?�

Todd shrugged and then nodded. �Yeah,� he whispered. �Oh, God,� Todd cried out. He pulled away from Susannah. He inched his way over to the wall and huddled against it.

Susannah moved next to him and sat on her knees. �Todd. Tell me what�s happening?�

�I think I remember it . . . Garret . . . he made me get down on my knees. He got in back of me. He�d use his nightstick and his� . . . oh, God!� Todd�s eyes filled with horror. �He did it. He raped me. Pete was telling the truth. He raped me. That miserable, filthy bastard raped me! Oh my God. I was ra . . . no please. I don�t wanna remember that. Make it go away. I won�t be able to stand it.�

�Todd, you are standing it. You said it and you�re still here. You didn�t go away. Honey, you are standing it.�

Todd lifted his pain filled eyes and looked at Susannah. �I�m so disgusting. Everyone will hate me even more than they already do.�

�You did nothing wrong. Remember what Pete said. You did nothing wrong and you didn�t ask for it.�

�You don�t gotta worry. If anyone makes fun of us I�ll beat the shit out of them,� Pete offered.

�I should�ve fought back. He did it because I let him,� Todd said more to himself than to Susannah or Pete.

�Garret was way bigger than us and he had his friends with him,� Pete pointed out. �I tried to stop him the first time. I tried to fight back. It just got us hurt worse.�

�I wish I was dead,� Todd murmured. �I don�t want to remember any more stuff. It�s too hard. It hurts too much.�

�Some of us ain�t got a choice. We gotta remember what you don�t,� Pete complained. �What you did to Marty got all of us locked up in Statesville, just like you got all of us locked up here.�

�I don�t want you to be locked up here with me. You can go! You can go anytime you want to.�

�Don�t you think I�ve tried? I�m stuck with you and you�re stuck with me and the others until you�re not crazy anymore. Than all of us will be free and you can wimp out on your life as much as you want.�

�I never asked you to help me,� Todd claimed loudly.

�Yes you did! Every time you couldn�t handle stuff that was happening to you we had to handle the stuff for you. It�s the same as asking. I don�t want no fucking medal or anything, but you don�t have to treat me like shit you stepped in either.�

�I�m not treating you anyway. Leave me alone! I can�t! I can�t do it. I can�t remember!�

�Why not!� Pete exclaimed. �It�s only fair that you remember some stuff too. I remember that Garret beat the shit out of me and Razor remembers that he got raped and now you gotta remember it too. At least Razor got the guts to say it.�

Todd stared into Pete�s eyes and then squeezed his eyes shut. �Garret raped me,� he whispered. �Please don�t make me say it anymore. Please!�

�Shhhh,� Susannah soothed. �You don�t have say it. You don�t have to talk about this any more right now if you don�t want to.�

�Me neither?� Pete asked.

�No, you don�t have to talk about it anymore either.� Susannah smiled at Todd and Pete. �Both of you were so strong and brave today. What you did was very difficult and painful. Only someone very, very brave and strong could have talked about it.�

�I�m not afraid of nothing,� Pete said firmly. It was clear he was trying to convince himself as much as everyone else.

Todd looked at Pete. �You�re a kid. How�d you get so tough?�

�I was born tough,� Pete bragged. �Lots of people are scared of me. Like when we were in our first year of high school . . . remember Denny Gilmore? He used to pick on you because you acted weird in school. I got him good one day when he was on his way home. Remember how all of a sudden he stopped picking on you. That was �cause I took care of him,� Pete said with a big proud smile on his face.

�You did that for me?� Todd couldn�t believe it.

�I tried to tell you, you didn�t have to be afraid of him no more. You just treated me like shit, the way you always do.�

�I�m sorry,� Todd apologized. �I didn�t mean to make you feel bad. I got scared when I heard you.�

�Yeah, I know. Doctor Hanen told me you think it makes you more nuts to hear me. I don�t feel crazy when I hear you.� Pete looked down. �So you wanna be friends or what?�

Todd looked at this fourteen-year-old boy sitting before him in jeans, a T shirt, and a worn leather jacket. He finally saw Pete for what he was, the boy that had been helping him and protecting him in many ways for so long. �Yeah, I wanna be friends.� Now Todd looked down. �I didn�t mean to leave you with Garret. I got scared and then I didn�t remember any more until I�d wake up and everything would be hurting.�

�I tried to help you. I used to give you good ideas about escaping and you never listened to me. You�d follow your own dumb plans.�

�They weren�t so dumb. I made it out of there didn�t I?�

�Yeah and then you got us caught because you let yourself feel. You never should have let yourself love Rebecca.�

�We�d still be rotting away in Statesville if Rebecca hadn�t of gone to the governor for us.�

�Guess so,� Pete admitted. �Anyway, Delgado�s more fun.�

Todd froze. �You know Delgado?�

T�a and Viki exchanged looks. T�a wondered if she should say something.

Frank held his hand up and shook his head. He let T�a know Todd and Pete needed to work this out.

�Delgado and me are gonna take one of your cars and go riding like the wind when I get outta here,� Pete said excitedly. �She promised. She�s not scared of me no more �cause I�m nice to her now.�

�Did you ever hurt her?� Todd asked angrily.

�No!� Pete looked down again. �I just scared her a few times . . . you know . . . to show her who�s boss. But she�s not like most of the others. She don�t lie to us or laugh at us, and she don�t wanna hurt us or leave us.�

�Don�t you ever hurt her,� Todd warned.

�I won�t,� Pete promised. �And it�s not because you�re telling me not to. I don�t take orders from nobody. It�s because I don�t wanna hurt her anymore.�

�Does T�a know what Garret did to . . . does she know about Garret?�

�Guess so,� Pete shrugged.

Todd�s eyes filled with self-disgust and loathing. �She hates me now. She thinks I�m even more disgusting than before and a coward that let some kid get hurt for me.�

�Please,� T�a whispered to Frank. �Can I go to him?�

�Go ahead,� Frank whispered back.

T�a walked over to where Todd and Pete could see her. She knelt down, assuming she was next to both of them.

�Delgado . . . I� . . . how long . . . you heard?� Todd asked. Tears brimmed in his eyes.

�I knew before this Todd. It doesn�t change the way I feel about you and what I heard now only makes me prouder of you. It makes me love you and admire you even more. With Pete and Razor�s help,� T�a made sure to add. �You were able to face this. You, Pete and Razor were able to face what happened. You�re all strong. Stronger than anyone else I�ve ever known.�

�I�m busy!� Pete suddenly called out.

�Is someone talking to you?� Susannah asked.

�Miss Perkins. She wants me to watch those brats. She said Rodd needs some comforting.�

T�a felt guilt wash over her.

�Miss Perkins? Rodd? Razor? Todd said in a trembling voice. �Oh God, how many of you are� . . . never mind! I don�t wanna know. Please, not now.�

�What�s your problem?� Pete was clearly annoyed. �We all help you. You oughta be glad you�re lucky enough to have us. I don�t have time to tell you about everyone anyway. Miss P might be a pain in the ass, but she�s okay. I gotta go.�

�Will you come back again?� Todd asked softly.

Pete hesitated for a few seconds. �You asking �cause you�re afraid I will or �cause you want me to?�

Todd gave half a shrug. ��Cause I want you to.�

�Maybe we could do something?� Pete suggested. �You know, like play handball here or something, if they�ll let us?�

Viki, T�a, Susannah and the staff were moved to tears by Pete�s obvious desperation for a friend.

Todd smiled weakly. �I�d like that.�

��We can arrange something for you guys,� Frank promised.

Pete moved in closer to Todd. �Do you remember Diana Barret?�

�That stuck up girl in eleventh grade homeroom?� Todd queried.

Pete smiled. �I know some good dirt on her? I�ll tell you next time.�

Pete stood up. He hesitated. He looked around. His eyes traveled from Susannah to Viki to T�a and back to Susannah again.

Susannah realized what Pete was waiting for. �Pete, would it be all right if I hugged you goodbye?�

�Whatever.� Pete�s tone clearly indicated that it was not �whatever.� Pete longed to be hugged again before he left.

Everyone realized that under all the toughness and violence, the real Pete was a kid who desperately wanted to be loved.

Susannah wrapped her arms around Pete and held him tightly.

�You�re okay for broad and a shrink,� Pete whispered.

Viki walked over to the young boy. �Would it be all right if I hugged you too?�

Pete shrugged.

As she had earlier, Viki felt Pete melt in her arms. He drank in the love and affection she had for him.

Finally, Pete walked over to T�a. �I know you�re big on this hug stuff too, so I�ll let you hug me if you want to.�

T�a embraced Pete warmly.

�You�re not gonna change your mind about going driving with me?�

�No. I promise I won�t. I�m looking forward to it very much,� T�a assured Pete.

Pete rested his head on T�a�s shoulder. A second later she felt the muscles in Todd�s body tense up.

Todd pulled back. He looked into T�a�s eyes. �You like that kid?�

�Very much,� T�a answered.

�How can you do this? How can you stand any of this or me?�

�Stand what?� T�a didn�t understand.

�These kids and people that are running around here or in my head or whatever . . . me! . . . hearing the things I�ve done . . . I can�t stand me . . . I think of . . . of . . . everything . . . it makes me wanna puke. How can even stand to be in the same room with me, let alone touch me? What�s wrong with you Delgado? Maybe you need to be shrunk.�

�Gee, I don�t know. Maybe I do? I have this weird need to be happy.�

�That�s my point! You wanna be happy. What the hell are you doing here?�

�Where else would I be? This is where my chance for happiness is. This is where the man I love is.�

Todd let go of T�a. He turned away. �The man you love? Shouldn�t that be the crowd you love? Shouldn�t that be someone who�s not a man at all? You heard what happened with Garret! Or how about the rapist you love or disgusting pervert you love? You know what I let my dad do to me and what I did to my own mother!�

T�a walked over to Todd. She turned him around so he faced her once again. �I love you and every part of you. The more I get to know each of them, the more I love you and respect you and realize just how amazing you are. Yes, hearing what happened with Garret changes the way I feel about you. It makes me even more in awe of your strength and ability to survive. Todd, you�re more a man than any other man I�ve ever known and probably more than any other man I will ever know. I told you before and I�ll tell you another thousand times if you need me to. You will never rape again. I know it. You did nothing with your dad or to your mother that you weren�t forced to do. You were a little boy, Todd, a little boy. You were younger than Starr when your father started to abuse you and force you to abuse your mom. If, God forbid, Starr or any child were forced to do what you were forced to do, would you place the blame on them? Would you call Starr or that child a pervert?�

Tears welled up in Todd�s eyes and slid down his cheeks. He shook his head. �No.� Todd threw his arms around T�a and rested his head on her shoulder. �Delgado, I hurt so much. I don�t know how much more I can take.�

T�a held Todd tightly. �I know it hurts. I wish with all my heart I could take that pain away from you. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that was done to you. I can�t. No one can. I�m sorry you have to go through all of this. Maybe it�s selfish of me to ask you to.�

�Selfish? You�re giving up everything for me.�

�No, I�m not giving up anything. I�m here because of what I�m getting. It�s not just for you. It�s for me too. I want a life with you Todd. I want us to be a family. I want a Starr to have someplace that�s filled with happiness when she�s with us.� T�a took Todd�s hand. �I want us to have our own children someday. I want to feel a part of you growing inside me. I don�t want either of us to be in pain for the rest of our lives. I know I�m asking a lot of you since you�re the one that has to face so many painful things. I can�t help it. I�ve always fought to get what I want in life. Todd, a life with you is what I want. I�ve never wanted anything more.�

�Don�t you think I want all of that too? Don�t you think I wanna be able to be that kind of husband? Delgado, what if I can�t? What if no matter how hard I try and how much it hurts I still can�t be all that?�

�You�re already all that. You�re a good husband and the best father in the world. That�s not the hard part. The hard part is getting well so you can stay safe and physically strong and able to live without so much pain and without being driven to do things that sabotage your happiness. The hard part is getting rid of that monster that lurks in every corner and under the bed and preys on your mind with the horrible things he did and said to you. The hardest of all is getting to where you can trust yourself and know that you will not hurt those you love or yourself and where you can truly allow yourself to feel the love, respect and admiration we all have for you and to know that you deserve it. You do, mi amor. You deserve all of it. You need to forgive yourself. Everyone else has already forgiven you.�

Todd held on tightly to T�a. He stared deeply into her eyes.

T�a recognized something she hadn�t seen in Todd�s eyes in a long time. She saw hope.

T�a and everyone in the room was shocked when Todd suddenly pulled away from her. Their look turned to horror.

Todd! Oh my God! Todd! What�s happening! Help him! Todd! Oh my God! Help him! Help him!� T�a cried out.

TO BE CONTINUED

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