Page 3

The baby had been out for two weeks. As much as everyone loved having him with them, Todd's family, Susannah and the rest of the staff were deeply concerned. Not a day went by without one of Todd's loved ones asking Susannah if she thought Todd could stay this way forever.

Viki's headaches continued. They weren't severe. They were more like a gnawing pressure deep inside her head. She noticed the intensity increased when she was around the baby, especially when she would hold him. She attributed it to muscle strain in her neck and the tension of worrying about Sam and if Todd would ever come back. Viki didn't mention it to anyone. The last thing she wanted right now was a therapy session or Susannah or anyone sending her for any kind of tests. In addition to that, Viki didn't want to burden anyone with even more problems to think about.

This didn�t stop Viki from spending time with the baby. She adored him. It did her heart as much good to hear him call out "Ma-ma" to her as it did Sam hearing him say "Da-da." Viki had her special time of day with the baby. She alone put him down for his afternoon nap. She'd sing softly to him and rub his back. She'd tell him everything was going to be all right and she'd assure Todd too, in the hope he was able to hear her. Underneath the joy Viki felt when she was with the baby, there was something . . . something she couldn't put her finger on . . . something that made her terribly uneasy . . . a feeling of impending disaster. This too she tried her best to chalk up to the ongoing situation and the months of suffering they had all been through and were going thorough, with no end in sight.

Susannah and the staff tried numerous times to bring Todd or another alter to the front. They always made sure to ask if Timmy wanted to come out. They did not want Timmy to develop the sibling rivalry he had with Adam with this baby. Alters at odds with each other was never a good thing. When Susannah or the staff tried to get Todd or anyone else to surface, the baby would giggle and smile his sweet smile. He didn't know what they were saying. He only knew he enjoyed being spoken to and paid attention.

Nora and Bo visited often and one of them would call every day to find out if Todd or another alter had surfaced. Nora was racked with guilt. The entire chain of events . . . Razor and then the baby coming out . . . Sam becoming even more paranoid and suspicious . . . Sam trying to kill Garret . . . Kevin and Rachel fighting . . . added stress on Viki and T�a . . . Nora blamed herself for all of it. Bo, Susannah, Rachel and even Viki told her that she was trying to help Todd. It was not her fault. Still, she wondered if she could have handled things differently with Todd and not set all of this in motion. Nora could not believe that Todd would become so horrified at thinking he hurt her again that he would take refuge inside himself for this long.

Susannah pointed out the possible positive side of this. She told them it might be that the baby is staying out, in part, because he and/or Todd's system needs the baby to be out. The baby's caretaker might have his, or her, hands full with another alter or alters, or the baby might need this kind of nurturing outside the system at this time. That did seem like a possibility since the baby had been thriving in these past two weeks. He played, ate and slept heartily. He was a total joy to be around. No matter how down anyone felt, even Sam, it only took a few seconds of being around the baby to put a smile on his or her face.

The baby continued to reach new developmental levels. He proved to be as bright as everyone suspected he was. He learned quickly and eagerly. He was now able to point to things when they dropped and his vocabulary increased to ma-ma and ba for bottle. He couldn't say T�a or even Tee but he would call out, "Eeeeee" when he wanted T�a. The baby's crawling grew more coordinated and became faster. He was basically given the run of the unit. Cabinets behind the nursing station had to be baby-proofed with locks, if the staff didn't want their forms and other supplies torn, scattered or chewed on. Everyone, from the staff on the unit to maintenance workers, housekeeping and food service personnel, was charmed by the baby's sweet smile and bubbly personality.

The baby loved tearing pages out of magazines. He also loved being read to. His favorite was an interactive book Nora and Bo bought him, Pat the Bunny. He was enthralled with the sense stimulating pages. He got to look for one of the book's characters playing peek-a-boo under pieces of fabric, feel the bunny, feel Daddy's scratchy face, and smell the flowers with the book's scented paper and other activities that helped him explore his senses. The book Bo and Nora gave him also came with a plush little bunny that he loved to hold, chew on and play his "throw it down" game with.

Nora felt herself being more and more drawn to this child. She spent many hours over the past two weeks playing with him, reading to him and feeding him. Sometimes Rachel or Bo would join her. Rachel now knew without a doubt that her mother meant no harm to Todd when she met with him. Rachel was still angry with Kevin for thinking otherwise. They were cool toward each other when they would accidentally meet on the unit.

What amazed everyone was that the baby seemed to have that sweet baby smell that anyone who'd ever held a baby was familiar with. The biochemical changes that took place in Todd's body, and in the bodies' of many others with DID, were still as astounding to Susannah and her staff as they were to Todd's loved ones.

Research into this was difficult. It was not just made difficult by lack of funding. The last thing most DID patients needed were additional medical tests and procedures. Many were frightened and suspicious of doctors. It wasn't surprising that many, especially those Todd's age and older, had also been thrown back into abusive homes by doctors that either missed signs of abuse or looked the other way. Even when this wasn't the case, very few could tolerate what medical procedures they had to endure, let alone those done purely for research.

At this time it was theorized by most of those who specialize in DID that the extreme abuse that caused DID also caused changes in the body's chemicals, much in the same way fright caused adrenaline to pump through the body, thus causing rapid heart rates, dilated pupils, sweating, lightheadedness, and sometimes great strength. Significant early trauma and lack of attachment had also been demonstrated to have effects on neurotransmitters, specifically serotonin. Hormones, neurotransmitters, and the like, released in times of great stress, or by lack of attachment, or sexual stimulation too early in development, physical pain, isolation, starvation, overfeeding, sleep deprivation and other chronic abuses, heaped day after day, usually without let up, on these children caused lasting sometimes permanent physiological changes. Researchers theorized that traumatic memories are processed in the limbic system and the hippocampus stores this information. Early prolonged detachment from the caretaker negatively affects the development of the limbic system. Early trauma could remain detached from the memory, and stress could precipitate dissociation.

Susannah used the adrenaline example again. "If day after day, for many hours in that day, you were nearly hit by a car and your adrenaline was constantly rushing, eventually the rapid heart rate and stress the adrenaline caused on organ systems would cause permanent changes and damage." She went on to explain that it is believed that only certain children have the ability to dissociate to the extent of developing DID. It may be that what predisposes these children to be able to do that also predisposes their brains to be able to "divide," in a sense, and actually function as separate individuals, each with his or her own unconscious control over the body's organ systems, including nervous, muscular, endocrine, digestive, respiratory and cardiovascular. This could cause completely different physical disorders and physical reactions. The baby's intolerance to the same dose of medications that Todd was able to handle with no problem was an example of this.

Susannah told them about cases where one or more alters in a system could have diabetes, seizure disorders, hypertension, heart rhythm disturbances, allergies or asthma, or many other disorders or conditions that the host and other alters would not have. There were cases of female alters or female hosts beginning or continuing to menstruate when others in the system did not. The breasts of some female alters of male hosts would develop beyond what difference in body posture could explain. Facial hair often stopped growing in male child alters or female alters of an adult male host. The same held true for leg, pubic, and underarm hair in female child alters of an adult female host. Younger alters of adolescents often did not go through puberty, even when the host or some of the other alters did. From differences in allergic reactions to vision, alters of someone with DID could be as different physically as they were mentally.

Susannah wished more funding were in place for research into this fascinating disorder. True, developing DID does usually save the child's life and sanity, but it also propels them into a life of a different kind of pain and confusion and in many cases keeps them from becoming or staying functioning human beings. Today, the financial bottom line is much more important to many than knowledge into the human mind and body and easing the pain of those suffering, Susannah thought angrily. She knew that psychiatrists and psychologists and other medical people that specialized in Dissociative Identity Disorder were becoming a dying breed.

Sam would usually excuse himself during Bo and Nora's visits. He was more withdrawn than he had been. He was also embarrassed that they had to "rescue" him after the incident with Garret. He still didn't trust them around the baby. As long as Viki was there, he held his tongue and went to the lounge or out for a walk, alone, as usual.

A couple of times, the baby tried to pull himself up by holding onto something. He learned how to "give kisses" and would move his lips next to Viki, T�a, Kevin or Sam's cheek if they said, "Give kisses." He was also beginning to understand how objects relate to one another and he loved to find things that were hidden in someone's hand or under a cushion. Stacking toys that were bought for him became another favorite.

The baby's diet had expanded to more solid foods. He loved fruits, especially mashed bananas, applesauce, and pears. Sweet potatoes and carrots were his favorite vegetables. He would eat noodles and he could now hold a biscuit and eat that, too. He still enjoyed playing with his food as much as eating it. No one minded the clean up afterward. The baby was a delight in every way.

Susannah estimated the baby's age at eight or nine months now. It seemed that as he received the nurturing he needed at each stage, he was able to give that stage up and go onto the next. It was also obvious to Susannah that most of the other child alters, like Timmy, Tom, Andy, Thomas, and the rest, hadn't had their needs met yet. They were not able to get past the age at which they came into the system. In Timmy's case, there had been significant regression. The baby had no issues to work through. Yet, his job in the system was complicated and important. Susannah theorized that not only was he one of the respites for everyone else in the system, he was also the way for Todd to develop in a normal, if slightly accelerated way. What the baby was getting he would give back to Todd. It was as though through the baby, there was the chance for Todd to literally start with a clean slate. Eventually, through the baby, Todd would know what it could have been like if he had not been given to the Mannings.

Susannah tried to get Todd's family to understand that while life was horribly unfair to Todd by having him end up in a home where he was tortured and abandoned; it was good to him too. Life was good to Todd by giving him a brilliant, creative mind and the ability to survive what most would not. It also gave him the gift of DID. Yes, having DID cost Todd a lot, but in the long run it saved him and it was giving him the chance most never got. It was giving him the gift of almost literally starting his life over and getting what he missed out on the first time around.

Susannah also pointed out that Todd was lucky in that he found his new family, a family that loved him, every part of him, and was able to emotionally and financially care for him. Those with DID that are not as fortunate and have no one to take care of their child alters and protect them and those around them from their suicidal, violent and/or dangerous adult alters, usually do not fair as well.

Those that could not afford adequate treatment for DID do not fair as well either. Most of them end up living out their lives with a disorder that neither they nor those around them understand. Many end up in prison or hospitalized in places that do not have the expertise, staff, or caring to get them to where they can function on their own without many, many repeated hospitalizations and often many suicide attempts or acts of violence against themselves or others. Many end up homeless.

Susannah pointed out that long-stays in mental hospitals, and even lengthy outpatient therapy were things of the past to most insurance companies. More and more, insurance policies limited any form of help for mental illness to impossible terms and more and more people with DID and every other kind of mental illness were falling through the cracks. Other than the very rich, few could afford the approximately two thousand dollars a day it cost to keep a patient on the average psychiatric unit and on the even more expensive DID specialty units. When insurance ran out, so did help, in many cases. Often, doctors had to go before the doctors that worked for insurance companies and plead for longer hospital stays or longer outpatient therapy for their patients. In most cases, if the patient wasn't a threat to his or her own safety or to someone else's on that given day, further treatment was refused. Doctors could not fudge the facts or exaggerate too often. If they did, they would never be believed when it was really true about one of their patients. For the most part, the decisions for treatment were taken out of their hands. The strong insurance lobby had influenced politicians around the country. They would usually get things their way, the way that would increase their profits, patients be damned.

State hospitals were dumping most of the mentally ill on the streets of every city in the country. Treatment, like the kind Todd was receiving, was not common in these days of managed care. Todd was lucky that his treatment was not being determined by businessmen, looking for ever-increasing salaries and bonuses, instead of his doctors and other health care professionals. Susannah told them that even the decision of prescribing medication was taken out of the doctor's hands in many instances. Insurance companies and Medicaid, more and more, would not pay for some medications or would only pay for generic brands of some, even if doctor after doctor had complained to them that some generics, like the generic version of Dilantin, one of Todd's medications, and some of the other anticonvulsants were causing serious problems and the return of seizures in those that were switched to it from the brand name.

Todd's family appreciated that in some ways Todd was fortunate. Their hearts also went out to those that weren't. Viki told Mel to run another series exposing the pain, suffering and even death some managed care plans brought into people's lives. T�a decided that when she could go back to work full time, she would offer free legal assistance to anyone who was fighting with an insurance company for care or medication for them or a loved one.

Acknowledging the ways Todd was lucky did not keep Todd's family's hearts from breaking for him and the suffering he had been through and was still going through. Yes, Todd having a mind brilliant and creative enough to find a way to survive his horrendous and torturous childhood was a good thing, but DID was still a very serious mental illness. It was a trade off, survival, for a life of pain.

Hopefully, Todd was on his way to making it through that pain and surviving yet again. Only this time, to a life filled with love, safety and as much happiness as Todd could ever allow himself to stand. Susannah knew that either being integrated or learning to control the alters and live with them, would be Todd's choice. Whatever he decided, it would not change Todd's basic nature. He would still be who he was. He would probably always have more anger inside him than most people, but hopefully not as much rage. What anger he did have, he would be able to control without lashing out at others or himself. Todd would still have his sardonic, dark humor; nothing could or should ever take that away from him. Todd does not suffer fools, with patient understanding, Susannah would think to herself and smile. Todd would probably always be more volatile than the average person. He felt things deeply. That would never be gone. Todd Manning would stay and always be Todd Manning.

Hopefully too, what would be gone is his self-loathing as he learnes not to see himself through his father's eyes... his self-destructive compulsions as his need to punish himself lessened... his belief that love is something that, sooner or later, will cause him great pain... accepting that he is lovable, and learning to truly trust for more than a moment or two. Once Todd could feel deep inside of him that he is someone worth sticking around for and once he is able to believe that those that love him do so unconditionally, he will begin to trust. Once he learns that his loved ones will not abandon him for real, or imagined, misbehavior, nor will they allow him to push them away no matter how he tries or what he does, his trust level will increase. Once he can feel truly safe, and not like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop any time something good does happen, Todd can begin to be free. He can begin to trust without fear of being made a fool for believing anything positive anyone says about him, or believing someone when they say they love him and will stand by him. He won't feel frightened and foolish for believing good things can happen to him without something horrible following. He can allow those that love him, to love him, and he will be able to feel the love.

************

Bo and Nora stopped by once again, to see the baby. They bought him another toy. This one had various animal shapes on it. Each shape lit up and made the sound of the particular animal the shape represented when the baby hit it or pulled on it. There was also a lever that, when pulled, played animal related songs like Old McDonald, Bingo, and Farmer in the Dell.

"Nora, Bo," Viki gently scolded. "You don't have to buy something for him every time you visit. He's very happy to see both of you, without a new toy."

"What can I tell you? I'm a sucker for those baby toys. I think I enjoy shopping for them even more than he does playing with them," Nora stated lightly. She could see the strain of the past couple of weeks showing on Viki's face and hear it in her voice. In addition to what happened with Sam, and in spite of how much Viki adored the baby, Nora could tell Viki was terrified Todd was never coming back. She knew Sam, T�a, and Kevin were just as worried and Susannah and the staff were concerned as well.

Despite her tone, Viki realized that Nora was desperately trying to make up for this happening. No matter how many times she was told by everyone, except Sam and Kevin, that it wasn't her fault, Nora still blamed herself. Perhaps it was because Sam still blamed her, and Kevin was on the fence about it.

"Is he walking yet?" Bo asked. He was amazed at the baby's development. He felt like a proud papa when he learned of each of the baby's achievements.

"Not yet," Viki said with a smile on her face. "He certainly seems to be trying though. He's in his chair right now. T�a is in with him. She's feeding him. Carlotta made some homemade banana and applesauce for him. He loves it."

"Both eating it and wearing it, I'm sure," Nora joked. She was happy to see she made Viki smile. Nora's tone turned serious. "Susannah said she still tries several times a day to get Todd or another alter to surface."

"Yes, she does," Viki confirmed. "She and the staff say Todd will come back when he's ready."

"Is Sam around?" Bo asked.

"He went to the park, I think," Viki choked up as she responded. She wiped away a tear that slid down her cheek. "I know I shouldn't have, but I followed him the other day when he took one of his walks. I've been so worried about him. I wanted to know where he goes. He went to the ball field in the park. He just stood there, watching some fathers playing ball with their sons."

Bo shook his head. Sam's suffering was hard to bear. Bo didn't know if he'd be any different if it were his child that was so ill and he felt responsible for it.

"Viki, Sam has to go see someone," Nora stated.

"He's not a danger to himself or to anyone, at least anyone other than Garret. He can't be forced into therapy. It would do no good if he's not willing."

"I don't understand," Nora shook her head as she spoke. "Sam was always the biggest advocate for therapy."

"Things change when you're mentally ill," Viki tried to explain. "Sam's judgment is off. He's also frightened. In most cases, mentally ill people know something terrible is happening to them, at least some of the time. It's terrifying. Sometimes the fear of finding out there really is something wrong with you overpowers the desire for help. During the times when he doesn't realize he has a problem, he feels ganged up on. That only makes him more suspicious of everyone."

Bo patted Viki's arm. "I got faith in Sam. I think he needs to work though some stuff on his own and he'll get help when he's ready."

"I hope so," Viki whispered as she wiped away another stray tear. "You heard the things Sam said in Susannah's office. He's become obsessed with his failure to protect Todd. That is only the tip of the iceberg. Sam is looking over his whole life and all the choices he made. He regrets most of them and blames himself for any problems with his kids and with his ex-wife. He's punishing himself by wallowing in guilt. His guilt over Todd was the trigger. It released his guilt over everything, even if they are things he never did and shouldn't feel guilty about. I always suspected it was more than just his guilt over Todd. All of this guilt added in with depression is not allowing Sam to think straight."

"He seems all right when he's with the baby," Nora tried to sound encouraging.

Viki smiled weakly. "He is. The only time I see the part of Sam that's not a stranger to me is when he's with the baby or one of the other child-alters. Todd usually pushes Sam away when he's out. Sam's whole demeanor changes when he's with one of them. The life comes back into his eyes. The baby is the only one who can make Sam laugh or smile these days. Sam spends hours during the day with him. He's so proud of the baby's milestones. He stays with him every night. The staff told me that when Sam does fall asleep, the slightest sound the baby makes wakes him up. Sam is always the one who gives the baby his bottle, if he wants one during the night. He usually watches the staff like a hawk when they do anything to that child. When he's not with the baby and he's not out walking, Sam is at the computer looking at alternative medicine sites and jotting down notes. I'm sure he's trying to find some kind of new vitamin or something natural that could take the place of Todd's medications."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Bo asked.

"I don't know," Viki sounded distraught. "Most of those things are not proven or even tested. People can have adverse reactions to herbs and vitamins that are just as serious as those they have to prescription medications."

"Viki?" Nora asked cautiously. "Have you given any thought to taking back Sam's guardianship?"

Viki's lower lip trembled as she tried to hold back more tears. "I don't think that's necessary right now. If it comes to it, I will always do what's best for Todd."

Nora rubbed Viki's back. "I know you will."

"Sam has been a little less upset about things since you and Nora helped him out in Frackville. He's hasn't asked me to take Todd out of here or tried to interrupted Todd's treatment in any way. He's aware of the medications they're giving the baby. Perhaps what happened with Garret had some kind of shock effect on Sam and he realizes that he . . ." Viki choked on the last word as a sob caught in her throat. She had been trying to convince herself as much as Bo and Nora.

Nora hugged Viki to her. "Maybe Sam will surprise you and realize that he needs someone to talk to. You know Bo and I are here for you and Sam, no matter what."

Viki nodded.

They could tell she felt awkward. She hated talking about Sam behind his back or showing how truly scared for him she was.

"So is it all right if we go in and give him his present?" Bo asked eagerly. It was obvious that he enjoyed his time with the baby. He also wanted to spare Viki any further discussion about this right now.

"Sure, let's go," Viki gestured toward Todd's room. Viki was tired. She wanted to lie down. She knew Sam would be upset if she was not in the room when Bo and Nora visited. Besides, she too wanted to see the baby play with his new toy.

Before they had a chance to go into the room, they heard the baby laughing and squealing in delight.

"Sounds like someone's having fun," Bo commented as he opened the door to Todd's room.

************

The baby had been taken out of his chair. He was sitting on the floor. T�a was sitting on the floor with him, nearly facing him. She steadied his back with one hand. The baby was still laughing and bouncing joyously. T�a was running the fingers of her other hand up and down his tummy and chest as she made the finger movements for the song she was singing to him.

"La ichi-wuichi arana,
tejio su telarana,
vino la lluvia y todo le tiro,
cuando salio el sol y ya todo se seco,
la ichi-wuichi arana de nuevo se subio."

"That sounds like Itsy Bitsy Spider," Nora guessed when she walked into the room.

T�a turned around. She hadn't heard them come in. "It's the Spanish version of it that I learned as a little girl. Abuela used to sing it to me."

"You have quite the appreciative audience," Nora observed.

T�a laughed. She turned back to the baby and tickled his tummy again. "You like to sing, don't you? You like that, peque�o uno."

The baby laughed loudly and squealed happily again.

Bo and Nora walked up to him.

Bo knelt down and stroked the baby's head. "Hey little fella, how ya doin�?"

Nora knelt on the other side of the baby. She held up the gift. "We have a new toy for you."

The baby reached out for the blue bow. It came off in his hand. He laughed and took it in both his hands to play with it. The sticky side stuck to one of his hands. He shook his hand and when it didn't come off he got a quizzical look on his face, laughed, held his hand up, and laughed again, making everyone in the room laugh with him.

"The toy may pale in comparison to the bow," Nora quipped.

"He's loved everything you've given him so far," T�a stated with a big smile on her face. "He must think he's living in the middle of Toy's "R" Us," T�a joked.

Bo opened the package. He placed the toy on the floor.

Immediately the baby began to explore it. It took only two times of pulling one of the levers down and hearing first a cow mooing and then a dog barking for the baby to realize that this was the way to make his toy "talk." He quickly learned how to make it "sing" to him, too.

T�a rubbed her forehead and nose against the baby's. "What a smart boy you are. Yes you are. You're such a smart boy."

Viki walked over to Bo and Nora. "He loves it. Thank you so much. I know he's going to have the best time with that."

They all watched the baby play with his new toy. He hit it, pulled the levers, banged it on the floor, tasted it, lifted it, and threw it down a few times, he vocalized as if he were tying to sing along, and in general had a grand time with it. As always he smiled at and made eye contact with everyone around him, wanting to share his fun with all.

Viki looked at the baby. My sweet little boy, I love you so much, she thought to herself. I will always protect you. Viki felt the pressure in her head increase.

T�a noticed Viki rubbing her temples in a futile attempt to ease the pain. She linked her arm through Viki's. "Are you all right?"

"Just a headache," Viki said wearily.

"Why don't you go lie down for a while? It's almost time for the baby's nap anyway."

"No . . . I always put him down for his nap . . . I . . ." Viki stopped talking as a wave of nausea hit her. "Maybe I will go to the lounge for a while. I think I need some time in a dark, quiet room."

"Do you want me to get Susannah?" Nora asked.

"You do look a little green around the gills," Bo commented.

"I'm fine," Viki insisted. "I just need a little sleep."

"Viki, did you eat today?" T�a asked.

"I had a muffin and some coffee."

"I'm going to get you something to eat," T�a announced.

"No," Viki protested. "I couldn't eat anything right now. I think I just need some sleep."

T�a sighed. "I'm walking you to the lounge and I'm staying until you're asleep." T�a held up her hand when she saw Viki was about to protest. "I'm not taking no for an answer."

Viki knew Sam did not want Nora and Bo left alone with the baby. She had no concerns at all. She knew they cared for him very much. Still, she did not want Sam to lose what little trust he had. She was afraid if Sam came back and found Bo and Nora there without her presence, or at least T�a's, he would be afraid to ever leave the baby, Todd, or any of them again. Frank was right outside the door and he would be in the room in a flash, if there was even a hint of a problem. Sam seemed to go back and forth on trusting the staff to care for the baby. Sometimes he was all right with it and other times he seemed scared to death of them touching his child.

Viki realized she really did need someone to walk with her. She felt a little unsteady. In addition to that, Viki did want to talk to T�a. She wanted to know what would have to be done to remove Sam's guardianship, just in case it came to that. Viki knew T�a cared deeply about Sam. She didn't feel as disloyal talking to T�a about it as she would Nora or an attorney she hardly knew. Viki regretted not listening to Kevin when he warned her not to give Sam co-guardianship. Susannah and T�a had both suggested that it might not be the best way to go. Viki wished she had listened to all of them. Taking back Sam's co-guardianship, especially in light of recent events, would hurt him much more than if she had never given it to him in the first place. Viki feared it would catapult Sam completely over the edge.

Viki thought about asking Bo and Nora to leave. She looked at them. They were now sitting on the floor, playing happily with the baby. She didn't have the heart to do it. On top of that, her head started to ache even more while she was staring at the baby. "Let's go," Viki said to T�a. They left for the lounge.

Nora and Bo had been playing with the baby for about fifteen minutes when Janet stuck her head in the door. "Commissioner, you have a phone call at the nurses' station."

"Thanks, I'll be right there," Bo called out.

"Do you think there's been a break in that string of supermarket robberies?" Nora inquired.

"Could be," Bo said, as he stood up. "I told them to call me here if anything came up." Bo chuckled the baby's cheek, making him laugh. "Red, if I have to leave, I'll come back to let you know."

The baby continued to play with his new toy.

Nora looked at him. "You are so loved. I think you know how much your family loves you."

The baby smiled at Nora.

Nora smiled back. She kissed the top of his head. "What a sweet boy you are." Suddenly Nora pulled back. "My God, it's true. You are a sweet boy. Underneath all that pain and fury you are a sweet boy, Todd. I think that's still in you somewhere. This baby is in you. He's you, Todd. He's you without the damage that was done to you by Victor and Irene giving you to a monster like Peter Manning. He's you before the one person who said they loved you walked out and left you to suffer. Todd, if you can hear me, please come back. Your family loves this baby very much, but I think he can rest for a while. Todd your family loves you so much. They need you to come back to them. They're so worried and afraid that they'll never see you again. That would kill them."

The baby banged his toy with his hand and smiled at Nora.

Nora smiled back again. She stroked the baby's cheek. She looked around. "Todd, there's no one else here now. It's just the two of us. I'm willingly staying in this room, alone, with you. I'm not afraid anymore. I still hate what you did to me. I don't hate you. I see what you started out to be. I see that no one is born a monster."

A tear escaped, followed by another. They trickled down Nora's cheeks. She pulled the baby into a hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Todd. I never should have deserted you during your trial. No matter what you did, you were entitled to good and fair legal representation. I made you think I was going to help you and then I sent you to the monster. I know what I did reminded you of what your mom did to you. I know that's why you came after me the way you did. You were tying to punish her . . . your mom. You were trying to punish her the only way you knew how, the way your dad taught you. Todd, I'm sorry that I made you so frightened that you needed to go inside for this long."

Nora took a deep breath and held Todd's body tightly. "Todd. I have the answers to the questions you were asking me. No. No, I don't still want to see you punished. I don't want you sent away." Nora pulled in her top lip and bit it with her lower teeth, as she tried to keep composed. Despite this, more tears fell. "Yes, I do forgive you. I not only understand what drove you to do what you did to me; I forgive you for it. So does Bo. Think about it. If Bo and I can forgive you and want you around, there is hope for you, Todd. Others that you've hurt might feel the same way. You have to give all of us and yourself a chance. I know it's hard to believe you are loved when you hate yourself so much. You are loved Todd, more than you can ever, ever imagine. It's all right to accept that love. You deserve it. Please come back to your family. You don't have to worry. This isn't a trick. I know you have no reason to trust me or to trust Bo. We don't want to hurt you or send you away. You didn't hurt me this time, Todd. It's safe to come back. You didn't hurt me and you won't hurt me. I believe that and I trust that. It's the truth. You didn't hurt me now, and I forgive you for when you did."

Nora looked up toward the ceiling. She realized how very much she meant this and she felt free. Finally, after all these years, she was free of the hatred and free of the fear. "I do, Todd. My God, I really do. I forgive you."

Todd felt arms around him. He felt the warmth of another body next to his. He snuggled into it. Though his eyes were open, he was in a fog. Todd didn't know where he was. He was in neither his "inside" world nor the real one. He felt odd . . . neither awake nor asleep . . . like a balloon that was floating away.

Slowly, Todd started to feel the floor beneath him. He couldn't tell if he was sitting or standing or lying on it. Todd finally felt as if his eyes were open. He tried to focus. The eyes Todd was staring into were familiar.

Nora had no idea what was going on. What seemed like a long time to Todd was in reality only a few seconds. Nora still had Todd in a hug. She was surprised when he looked into her eyes, in a way not at all like the baby.

Todd pulled his head back a little more. Nora's face came into focus. For a split second, confusion was written on his face. It was quickly replaced by horror, as the last moment he had been aware of before the baby came out came back to him.

"Oh God!" Todd's voice was a whisper. He tried to stand up. He was completely disoriented and fell back to a sitting position. He scurried away from Nora on his hands and knees like a frightened little animal. "Oh God, no!" Todd repeated over and over. He began to bash his head into the wall.

"FRANK," Nora yelled out. She knew she had been speaking too softly for Frank to have heard what she said when she tried to call Todd out. Nora realized that perhaps she should not have done what she did, at least not without asking Susannah first.

Frank rushed into the room. "I need staff," he called out.

Todd was on the floor, facing the wall. He continued to smash his head into it.

Frank pulled Todd into a hold.

"No! Let go! Please! I wanna die! I wanna make it go away! Please!" Todd cried hysterically. He fought Frank's hold with all his strength.

Janet, Eileen, Mark, Jeff, Don, Terry, Nancy, Angelo and Steve rushed toward Todd's room.

Bo saw them. He dropped the phone and rushed in too.

Susannah ran down the hall from her office.

Within moments, the unit staff had Todd secure in a physical restraint. There was no need to call a code.

Bo held a trembling Nora tightly in his arms. "Red, what happened here?"

"I-I tried to talk to Todd. I tried to get him back. Everyone's been so worried . . . I . . . oh God. What've I done?" Nora buried her head in Bo's shoulder.

"Let me die! Let go!" Todd continued crying out.

Nancy stabilized Todd's head while Susannah checked his eyes. Once again, a bump formed on Todd's head. While his pupils were equal and reactive, he wasn't focusing. Susannah suspected a mild concussion.

"Todd, you need to calm down. If you can't calm on your own you'll be given medication to help you," Susannah said in an even and non-threatening tone.

"You have to kill me! Now! Let me die! Please! If you let me die before this wouldn't have happened."

"What wouldn't have happened? Tell me what you think happened?"

"You let it happen. You let it happen to your own sister. I tried to warn you. I tried to warn all of you. I never should have asked her to come here."

"Nora? You never should have asked Nora to come here," Susannah needed clarification.

"Oh, God. Oh, God," Todd continued to cry. "I did it again. I swear I didn't ask her to come here so I could hurt her again."

Susannah understood what Todd was thinking. "Todd."

"Let me die. Oh please, let me die." Todd was crying so hard that he was choking on the words.

Nora clung to Bo's arm. She stood frozen. She had no idea that's what Todd had thought.

"Todd! Shhhhh. Listen to me." Susannah spoke softly. "You did not hurt Nora. Nora is fine. You did nothing to hurt her."

"Don't lie to me! I know what I did. I told Bo to put me back in jail. I told all of you to send me away. Why wouldn't you listen? Why?"

Susannah motioned for Nancy to move out of the way. She placed her hands on either side of Todd's head. She moved into position so that they were eye to eye. "Todd. I am not lying to you. You did not hurt Nora." Susannah turned to Nora. "Would you please come over here?"

Bo nudged Nora when she continued to stand frozen to the spot.

Nora knelt down so she too would be in Todd's line of vision.

Todd stopped struggling. Those holding him could feel every muscle in his body tighten even more.

Nora could hear Todd's heart pounding. The fear and confusion in his eyes touched her heart. "Todd. Look at me."

Todd still stared off, dazed.

"Look at me, Todd!" Nora commanded.

Todd slowly lifted his eyes until they met Nora's. "I'm sorry," he mouthed. No sound came out.

"Todd. You did not hurt me. Look at me. I'm okay."

Todd stared at Nora for a few seconds and then looked away again. His lips trembled. "I had my hands on you. I was pulling you by the hair. I had my hands on your face. I came here to hurt you. I lied to Rebecca. I hid in Rachel's car. I was doing something bad to you just now, when I woke up."

Nora realized Todd was confusing what happened at the beach house with what happened when he came back after Razor had been out and what had just happened.

"What happened at the beach house was a very long time ago." Nora tried to orient him. "You did not hurt me when you had your hands on my hair or just now when you came ba . . . when you woke up." Nora phrased it to match Todd's perception of his illness. She didn't want to upset him more than she already had. "I was the one holding you just before, not the other way around," Nora added.

Todd looked stunned. "You were holding me?"

Nora looked as uncomfortable as she felt. "Yes. I was telling you how much your family loves you."

"B-but I had my hands on your face and I was pulling your hair . . . it was like . . ."

"We are not at the beach house," Nora stated firmly. "We are in your room at the hospital. Todd, for God's sake, don't you think I'd be the first person to demand that Bo lock you up if you laid one finger on me?"

Todd looked up at Nora again. She never saw so much pain in anyone's eyes before.

"You didn't hurt me," Nora repeated. She looked up at Bo and then at Susannah. "I was trying to tell you that while I hate what you did to me at that beach house, I don't hate you." Nora took a couple of deep breaths. "I was trying to answer the questions you asked me."

Todd continued to stare into Nora's eyes. "Questions?"

"Do I want you sent away? No." Nora spoke quickly and impersonally. It was her best courtroom tone. "Do I want you punished? No." She took another deep breath. "Do I forgive you for what happened at the beach house? Yes." Nora paused for a second. She looked into Todd's wounded eyes. She felt as if she could see the pain that went clear to his soul.

"I didn't ask you to forgive me," Todd whispered. "I know I don't deserve to be forgiven."

"Are you sorry for what you did back then?" Nora asked.

"Yes." Todd's voice was barely audible.

"Then you deserve to be forgiven." Nora thought for a moment. "Do you forgive me?"

"What?" Todd was totally confused.

"Do you forgive me? You hired me to be your lawyer. I had a legal, ethical, and a moral obligation to represent you to the best of my ability. I did not do that. I promised you that I would help you and be there for you and I let you down. It was wrong for me to do that. Do you forgive me?"

"I-I I lied to you."

"Yes, you did. That doesn't change what I did or make it right. Do you forgive me?"

Todd nodded. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Todd," Susannah asked softly. "We want to let go of your legs. Can you keep them quiet and stay safe and not kick out or try to get up?"

Todd nodded again.

"All right, buddy, no kicking or trying to stand, okay?" Steve wanted to be very sure.

After Todd nodded once more, Steve first and then Eileen cautiously released each of his legs.

"Good job, Todd," Susannah praised him. "Terry and Angelo want to let go of your arms. Can you keep your arms safe and not try to hurt yourself?" Susannah asked.

"I won't hurt myself," Todd said meekly.

Angelo nodded to Terry. She let go first. When Todd stayed quiet, he let go.

"Todd, you're doing great. Now Frank is going to let go of you. You still okay?" Susannah questioned to be sure.

Todd nodded again.

"Good, when Frank lets go I don't want you to get up," Susannah instructed. "You hit your head really hard and I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm gonna let go of you, but I'm gonna sit right here with you, okay buddy?" Frank asked tenderly.

"Yeah," Todd said softly.

Frank let go. Todd didn't move. He continued to lean back into Frank's broad chest.

Other than Susannah and Frank, the rest of the staff left the room.

Todd looked around the room. He noticed everyone had on different clothes than they did during the time he last remembered. Todd tilted his head upward and looked into Frank's eyes. "How long ago did I . . . did I . . . go to sle . . . did I go away?"

Frank glanced in Susannah's direction.

She nodded. Todd asked. He needed to be told.

"You've been inside for about two weeks," Frank gently informed Todd.

Todd rubbed his forehead with both palms, as a whimper escaped. His color became even more pale than usual. Frank felt Todd begin to tremble.

"Todd, it's all right. You did nothing wrong while you were inside," Susannah let him know immediately. "You didn't hurt anyone and no one hurt you. Nothing bad happened."

"I hate this." Todd's voice was little more than a whisper.

"I know you do," Susannah acknowledged. She sat down on the floor, next to Todd and Frank. "It's very frightening to lose time. Can you tell me the last thing you remember?"

Todd's muscles tightened. His chin trembled. "I had my hands on Nora's hair and face."

"That's okay. You already know you didn't hurt her," Susannah reminded him. "I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath and try to connect with what happened while you were inside." Susannah knew if any of the memories were going to come back to him this would be the time it would most likely occur, right after his dissociation.

"No!" Todd protested. "Please don't make me."

"It's all right, honey. You're not going to be forced to remember. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. I can promise you that you did absolutely nothing you need to be sorry or embarrassed about while you were inside. Do you want try to get to some of those memories?"

Without saying he would cooperate, Todd closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Good job," Susannah praised. "Relax and see if any images or sounds come to you." Susannah didn't use the word voices because she knew DID patients could be highly suggestible. She didn't want to put the idea of hearing a voice in his head. There was also the possibility that Todd would become frightened at the word voices, because often those voices were there to cause him suffering.

"I hear singing?" Todd said softly.

"Can you tell who's singing?" Susannah probed.

Todd shook his head

"What song is being sung?" Susannah asked.

Todd shrugged. "I don't hear the words. He appeared to be listening very hard. "Maybe some kind of kid's song?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Susannah saw Nora was about to say something. She quickly motioned for her to stay quiet. She didn't want Nora giving Todd the memories. Susannah also knew that if Todd were ready to know about the baby and know about the way everyone interacted with him, he would remember it. She doubted he was even close to being ready for that memory.

Even with his eyes closed, Susannah could see confusion on Todd's face. "Are you remembering something else?"

"Not a memory . . . a feeling . . . like . . . I don't know . . . something I felt then . . . not now . . . I don't know!"

"It's all right. Say what you felt then," Susannah encouraged.

"Being held," Todd whispered. "That's it." Todd opened his eyes. "I don't remember anything else. Leave me alone."

Frank gave Todd a tender squeeze on his shoulder. "You did good, buddy."

Todd looked around again. "Where're Viki and Sam?"

"They might be in the lounge or the cafeteria," Susannah guessed. She wasn't sure where Sam was.

"What about Delgado? Is she here?" Todd asked anxiously.

"Yes. T�a's here. She's probably outside your room," Susannah informed him.

Todd hung his head. "W-was I . . . d-did I . . . who saw . . . nev-never mind." Todd couldn't bring himself to ask.

"Todd you did nothing in front of T�a that you need to be embarrassed about. She was not hurt in any way. You didn't say or do anything to her that you would regret."

Tears slowly made their way down Todd's cheeks. His head remained hung in shame.

"Honey," Susannah began gently. "While you're inside, you are never mistreated. We watch to keep everyone with you safe. The staff and your family and visitors always protect your dignity and your rights. No one ever hurts you or makes fun of you during the times you can't remember. Your other parts are loved as much as you are. You are always taken very good care of. Anyone that visits you is there because they love you and they want to spend time with you." Susannah waited to see if Todd asked who was out. She would not force the information on him if he didn't want to know.

Frank felt Todd's body relax, a little. He could see that Todd was still feeling shame and fear.

"Were Viki and Sam with me while I was . . . during the time I don't remember?"

"Yeah, buddy, they were," Frank confirmed.

"Was Delgado around a lot?"

"Yes," Susannah answered this time. "You did nothing in front of T�a that made her angry with you, or made her pity you."

Todd's muscles tightened like a drum. He didn't respond. He continued to look as if he wanted to die of shame.

Susannah leaned in toward Todd. "I know it's uncomfortable to realize that your body was interacting with people during a time you have no memories for. If you want to know the details of what happened during that time, all you have to do is ask me, or ask one of the staff. I can tell you again that you did nothing anyone would consider bad, wrong or shameful."

Todd's lower lip trembled. "Is Sam dead?"

Nora and Bo looked at each other with shock written on their faces.

"No, Sam's not dead. What makes you think he is?" Susannah asked gently.

"Because I'm making him sick. I'm a curse to him, like to everyone else."

"You're not making Sam sick, buddy," Frank said softly. "Why do you think you are?"

"He looks real bad . . . sick bad . . . when I could see again, I saw what being around me was doing to him."

They all hoped Todd would never have to find out what happened with Sam and Garret.

Susannah lifted Todd's face by the chin. She looked into his eyes. "I promise you. You are not making Sam sick. Sam has a lot of things on his mind. Do you remember that Sam has an ex-wife back in Chicago?" Susannah didn't lie to Todd and say this is what upset Sam. She did realize that she was letting him think it.

"Lindsay," Todd spat out the name. "I've hated her forever! She's really mean and nasty. Is she trying to hurt Sam or Viki?" Todd sounded worried.

"No, not at all. Viki never met her. She won't hurt them," Nora called out.

"I don't want Sam to get sick and die," Todd stated with fear in his eyes.

"Sam will be fine. He has all of us watching out for him," Bo assured Todd.

"Viki and T�a do, too," Nora added.

Todd looked down. "I don't wanna make Sam sick or hurt or make anyone sick or hurt."

"We know you don't, buddy," Frank soothed. "You don't ever have to worry about that. Everyone is fine."

"It's true," Susannah confirmed. "Everyone has been near you and they've had physical contact with you. We are all healthy and safe and very happy to have you in our lives. During times you remember, like now, and during times you don�t remember, like the past two weeks, we are all very happy to spend time with you. You are very much loved, Todd."

Todd rubbed his head again. He looked confused and disoriented. It was to be expected. Todd had already been experiencing higher than usual levels of agitation, anxiety, and fear before his meeting with Nora triggered Razor and then the baby to surface. Todd had been in a state of hypervigilance and hyperarousal. He expected danger to surround him and he was on constant guard. Todd's adrenaline was pumping out messages to his body that made him anxious, uncomfortable and always on the ready to take flight.

For Todd, every step toward progress brought pain with it. Memories long buried had been coming more frequently, in many cases they were accompanied by terrifying flashbacks. Todd's switching had increased, yet at the same time, his co-consciousness with the alters that came out during the switching had increased as well. Todd's depression was lifting and with that came more awareness of his situation. While that was still more progress, it was terrifying to him to begin to be truly cognizant of his illness. He was slowly realizing how much time he was losing. He was beginning to believe that alters did come out during the time he missed, and that he wasn't simply asleep. He allowed himself to see again. With that came more awareness of how those around him were responding to him and his illness. He allowed himself to give up that form of punishment, and then quickly substituted it with another.

As Todd faced extremely painful memories of being sexually as well as physically abused and of being forced to sexually abuse his mother, his need to punish himself increased. His fear for those he loved increased. Memories of pleasurable sensations while being abused, sensations he had no control over, contributed to his confusion and his self-hatred. This contributed to his need for self-punishment. It increased his need to isolate. He felt deep shame. He hated his body for betraying him. He confused all sexual pleasure with being a disgusting person, being a victim, and being a perpetrator. He needed to believe that just his very touch could harm or kill. It served the purpose of severing contact with those he feared he'd hurt because he loved them and it denied him the love, nurturing and physical affection he craved, thus fulfilling his need to be punished.

Yet, Todd couldn't keep it up for long. Those desires to be loved, cared about and held were winning out. Todd was at a constant tug-of-war with himself. Even now, when some of the good feelings the baby felt from being held started to come through to Todd's consciousness, he panicked and stopped trying to get in touch with what happened while he was in the dissociative state. Still, some of those feelings did leak through. That was positive. Todd's increased confusion and disorientation right now were "normal." Coming back after two weeks in a dissociated state had to take its toll.

Todd looked around the room. "I don't want Shorty to be here. Please!"

"Starr's not here. She has not been here at all while you were inside. She didn�t see you," Susannah assured Todd.

Todd's muscles relaxed slightly. "I didn't hurt Delgado?"

"No. T�a was not hurt in any way," Susannah repeated, "not by as much as a cross word."

Todd looked around the room again. "My dad . . ."

After waiting a full minute for him to continue, Susannah asked, "Your dad what?"

"Huh?" Todd looked at Susannah as if he had no idea what she was talking about. Susannah's voice and his own sounded far away and disconnected to him. Todd stared at Nora for a couple of seconds and then looked around the room. He saw Bo standing there. "Bo," Todd called out weakly.

Bo walked over to where Todd was. He knelt down next to him. "I'm here Todd."

"Would you still arrest me if I hurt Nora?"

Bo knew what Todd wanted to hear. "You bet I would."

"I really didn't hurt her this time?"

"Nope, not a hair on her head."

Todd looked into Bo's eyes. "Then how come you're here? Oh yeah," Todd remembered before Bo had a chance to respond. "'Cause Nora's afraid to be alone with me."

"That's not true anymore," Nora pointed out. "I was alone in this room with you when you woke up, wasn't I?"

Todd thought about it. "Yeah. No one else was here."

"You know I wouldn't let Nora come in to see you alone if I thought you would hurt her," Bo reminded Todd.

"So how come you are here?" Todd asked again.

"I came to see you," Bo said honestly.

"Me?" Todd looked disbelieving. His look turned to fear. "Did I do something else bad besides hurt Nora? Did I hurt someone else or commit some crime?"

"No. Son, relax," Bo placed his hand on Todd's shoulder.

Todd shuddered. He looked up at Bo with great sadness in his eyes. "I made you hate me," Todd said out of nowhere.

Bo squeezed Todd's shoulder gently. "I don't hate you. You get me mad as hell at you sometimes, but I don't hate you."

"You get mad at someone, you gotta punish them," Todd said more to himself than to Bo.

"No. You don't punish someone because you're mad at them. People get punished for crimes they commit, not because someone is mad at them. At least that's the fair way . . . the way is should be," Bo said softly.

"You always wanted me punished. Even for stuff I didn't do."

"I know," Bo admitted. "I made a lot of mistakes and you paid for them. I'm sorry, son."

Todd moaned softly. He threw his arms around Bo and began to weep.

Everyone in the room, including Bo, was shocked.

Bo quickly got over his shock. He pulled Todd into a tight hug. "It's okay, Todd. It's okay, son. Shhhh. Everything's gonna be okay."

"You really don't think I should be punished anymore?" Todd asked through his tears. His voice was muffled by Bo's shoulder.

"No. I don't think you should be punished anymore. I don't think you should've been punished the way you were punished at all."

"You don't think I'm bad and stupid and a loser any more and that my being born was a mistake?"

Susannah and Frank exchanged looks. They realized Todd was confusing Bo with his father.

"I think you're a very brave and smart young man. There are a lot of people that are very happy you were born. You're not a mistake, son, and you never were," Bo replied gently.

Todd snuggled into Bo. "More than anything in the whole world, I want you to be proud of me."

Bo took a deep breath. He raised his head looked upward in an attempt to keep from crying. He hugged Todd tenderly. "I am proud of you. I'm prouder of you than I've ever been of anyone."

"I . . . I . . . nothing . . . you'll get mad."

"No, I won't. It's okay, son. You can tell me anything. I won't be angry," Bo assured Todd.

"You'll think I'm acting like a little girl."

"I won't. I promise. Say what you wanna say. It's all right," Bo encouraged.

"I-I-I love you." Once the words were uttered, Todd hung his head against Bo's chest and wept even harder.

Bo squeezed Todd gently. "Right back atcha, son, right back atcha."

Nora, Susannah and Frank's eyes were on Bo and Todd. None of them noticed Sam standing silently in the doorway, taking in what was going on. They didn't see the wounded expression on his face or the pain in his eyes when he saw Todd in Bo's arms and heard Todd tell Bo he loved him. Sam stood frozen. He couldn't believe what he was seeing or hearing. So much of what he feared was coming true. Helping me get out on bail was just another part of their plot, Sam thought to himself.

Todd moaned again.

Bo lifted Todd's head by the chin. "You okay?"

"I don't feel so good," Todd whimpered.

Susannah knelt down beside Todd and Bo. "Can you tell me in what way you feel sick?"

Todd clung tightly to Bo. He didn't respond.

"It's okay, Todd. Tell Susannah in what way you feel sick," Bo prompted.

"I like it when you call me son," Todd whispered.

Bo smiled and hugged Todd a little harder. "Okay, son, you tell Susannah what's wrong so she can fix it."

"It's like everything's spinning around and my head hurts and I feel like I'm gonna throw up." Suddenly a look of horror crossed Todd's face. He pulled away from Bo. "I can't throw up. You'll get mad at me! You'll punish me. You'll call me a disgusting pig and make me lick it up and you'll rub my face in it and then take your belt off."

Nora and Bo looked horrified. Neither had known Peter did that to Todd. They could not fathom a parent punishing a child for being sick, let alone like that.

Bo pulled Todd back into his arms. "No. None of that is going to happen. You don't ever have to be afraid of that again. No one will ever punish you for being sick."

"You won't hate me for being a disgusting bastard?"

Bo winced as Todd echoed Peter�s words. "Never! If you get sick, I'll help you. It'll be okay, son."

Susannah gently stroked Todd's cheek, "Todd, I need to shine my penlight into your eyes. It won't hurt. I need you to lift your head and look straight ahead."

Todd did as he was asked. His pupils were still equal and reactive. That was good. Susannah believed it was as she suspected earlier. Todd had a mild concussion. She still wanted him to have a CT scan to be sure.

"Todd," Susannah began. "I need for you to get into your bed. We have to start an IV on you. Do you remember what that is?"

Todd cowered against Bo's chest. "Noooo. I don't want it."

"Honey, it will only sting for a few seconds," Susannah began to explain calmly. "You're probably dehydrated. You need fluids. You'll get some medication to help your tummy feel better, too. You also need to go have some pictures of your head taken. It won't hurt. You'll get some medication to help you relax and sleep while they take the pictures."

"Nooooo," Todd protested again. He clung to Bo.

"Son, listen to me," Bo said softly, but firmly. He realized that Todd had regressed to a younger stage. "You need to do this. I know you're scared. It's okay to be scared."

"You don't think I'm acting like a little girl?" Todd asked through his tears.

"No. Absolutely not. I think you're very brave."

"I don't want medicine. You'll get mad if the teacher calls you and tells you I fell asleep in school again."

Bo had no idea what Todd was talking about, but he went along with it. "I won't get mad. Your teacher can call me anytime. I'll just tell her how proud of you I am for being brave enough to take your medicine."

"You want me to take the medicine again now?" Todd was confused. "You won't hurt my hand so I'll stay awake all weekend to teach me how to be man?"

"No one will ever do that to you again," Bo promised.

"I don't want your heart to get sick and for you to die because I was bad."

"Don't worry. That won't happen," Bo assured Todd. "Come on now. Let's get you into bed so Susannah can start making you feel better."

"You want me to have an IV and pictures of my head?"

"Yes, I do. It's important. You need the medication that will help you and Susannah needs to see if you hurt your head or not. I want you to stay healthy."

"You don't wish I was dead because I ruined your life?"

A tear splashed down Bo's cheek. "It would break my heart, if you died."

"Will you stay with me the whole time they stick me and give me medicine and take the pictures?" Todd asked meekly.

The phone call that Bo had been on when he heard Nora yell for Frank and saw the staff rush to Todd's room was what he'd been waiting for. There had been a huge break in the case Bo had been working on for months. He knew he needed to get to the crime scene. Yet without a moment's hesitation, Bo replied, "You bet I will. I'll be right there with you."

"Okay," Todd agreed. "I'll let them do the IV and give me the medicine and I'll let them take pictures of my head."

Susannah could not believe that Todd agreed. She knew he was regressed and delusional right now, thinking Bo was Peter. Still, all it took were a few encouraging words from his "father" and Todd found the courage to do what no one else had been able to get him to do willingly. The only other time Todd had agreed to willingly take medication was when he wanted to see T�a, when she had been hurt. That was different. He did it then not because he was truly willing to, but because he would have done anything, to get to T�a, even if he thought it would hurt him. This time he seemed to believe the IV and the medications were okay, as long as his "dad" approved.

**********

Sam walked away without anyone in Todd's room knowing he had been there. He wanted to leave the hospital, now. They did it. They got him alone and they turned him against me, completely. They did something to him. Why wasn't Viki with him? What about T�a and Kevin? Do they want that? Do they want Todd to love Bo, so Bo and the Buchanans can do something to him? Sam thought frantically.

Sam didn't even see T�a coming down the hallway. She had stayed with Viki and discussed her options with her.

Viki didn't want a cold, impersonal opinion. She wanted the opinion of an attorney that cared deeply about Sam and loved Todd totally and unselfishly. Viki knew T�a would not want to see Sam get hurt if there were another way to do what was best for Todd.

Viki's headache seemed to lift a little once she was in the lounge. After their discussion, T�a stayed until Viki fell asleep. It was then that she headed back to Todd's room, thinking the baby would still be out.

As soon as T�a saw Sam, she realized something was wrong. She rushed over to him. "Sam, wait! Did something happen to the baby?"

"Todd is out," Sam said coldly.

"Oh my God, Todd surfaced? Is something wrong? Why aren't you with him?"

Sam grabbed T�a by the shoulders. "Why aren't I with him! Why the hell weren't you with him? Why wasn't Viki with him? What'd you tell her to get her to leave when she knew Todd was back? Why was he left alone with Bo, Nora and Susannah?" Sam shook T�a.

"Sam, you're hurting me," T�a cried out.

Sam looked at his hands and at his fingers, as they dug into T�a's flesh. "Oh God," Sam whispered. He quickly lowered his hands.

"Sam, it's all right. I'm all right. Let's sit down and talk," T�a gently suggested.

Sam looked her in the eye. "Why are you doing this to Todd? I know he hurt you, but he loves you so much?"

"Doing what? Sam, please. Tell me what you think I'm doing to Todd."

"Viki can't be in on it. She can't. She'd die for Todd. You must have done something to get her to leave. Where's Kevin? Was it Kevin? Did he do something? Is Asa here?"

"Asa!" T�a exclaimed. Oh Sam, she thought, what is happening to you? "Sam, Kevin is not here, neither is Asa. Bo and Nora came to bring the baby a present and to play with him. You know they care a great deal about him. Nora feels responsible for bringing the baby out in the first place."

"You're damn right she's responsible. I told you. I told all of you that Nora shouldn't be allowed to see him."

"Todd insisted," T�a reminded him. "He has a rights, Sam."

"Even if those rights end up getting him hurt or killed."

"No one is going to hurt or kill Todd," T�a said firmly.

"It's starting! Don't you see! It's already starting." Sam looked at T�a with suspicious eyes. "Or do you already know that? Where's Viki?"

"She's in the lounge. She had a terrible headache so she went to lie down." T�a added nothing about the conversation she had with Viki. "I went with her because she was wobbly on her feet. She was feeling better when I left. She's sleeping now."

Did they do something to Viki to make her feel sick enough to leave? Sam wondered to himself. Sam was beyond being frightened by his own thoughts this time. Seeing Todd in Bo's arms, as if Bo were the father he loved and cared about, had for now pushed Sam over the edge.

"Sam. Sam!" T�a said his name again when he was too lost in his thoughts to hear her the first time.

Sam finally looked at T�a.

"I'm going to see Todd now. Do you want to come with me?"

It took Sam more than a minute before he responded by shaking his head and saying, "No. He doesn't want me there. They got to him."

"Who got to him?"

"Bo . . . Bo and Nora . . . Bo had Todd . . ." Sam's voice trailed off.

"Bo had Todd? Had Todd doing what?" T�a was getting more and more frightened for Sam.

"He got Todd to agree to a test and drugs and Todd wanted him with him and he let him hold him . . . Bo . . . after the way he treated Todd . . . he . . ." Sam stopped talking again.

"Test . . . test for what . . . what drugs?" T�a took Sam's hands in hers. "Did something happen to Todd? Was he hurt or is he sick in some new way?" There was panic in T�a's voice.

Sam was stunned. He had been so shocked by what he saw that he only heard the words and saw the action between Todd and another man that Todd was treating like a father. He didn't think through what the words meant. "I don't know! Oh God. I don't know. Maybe something did happen to him."

***********

T�a and Sam rushed into Todd's room just as Terry was about to start the IV on him. Todd was back in bed. Bo sat next to him. Todd was snuggled firmly in Bo's arms. Frank held out Todd's hand while Terry checked his veins for IV placement. Todd was crying softly and Bo was offering reassuring words. Nora and Susannah stood nearby.

Even to T�a, this was off-putting.

To Sam it was having the son he loved ripped from his arms. It was seeing Todd completely vulnerable to whatever they were planning. It was total betrayal by Susannah and her staff and possibly by T�a and Kevin.

T�a motioned Susannah over to the doorway where she and Sam stood. "What happened? Has Todd been hurt?"

"Todd hit his head into the wall, very hard this time. I suspect he has a mild concussion. I'm sending him for another CT scan. Please don't worry. I'm sure it's a mild concussion and nothing like what you went through. The test is a precaution. We don't want to fool around with a head injury, especially in a patient with a preexisting seizure disorder."

"Who made him hurt himself?" Sam asked thorough clenched teeth.

Susannah could see he was very distraught. "I think it best if we discuss this after Todd has gone for the test. The last thing he needs now is to become upset."

Sam glared at Susannah. His eyes drifted over to the bed. He watched as Todd continued to cling to Bo.

"It huuurrrrts," Todd cried against Bo's chest.

Bo's arms held Todd tightly. "I know, son. It's almost over. I'm so proud of how brave you're being."

"There you go, hon," Terry said soothingly. "The IV is in. You need to keep that hand nice and still so it doesn't become dislodged."

Todd looked at the needle in his hand and let out an involuntary whimper.

Bo placed his first two fingers on Todd's cheek and turned his head away from his hand and toward him. "I'm so proud of you," Bo praised.

Todd looked into Bo's eyes with his own sad and pain filled eyes. "Really? You're really proud of me?"

"You bet I am. Getting an IV is scary. You were very brave about it."

"I was scared," Todd confessed in a whisper.

"Then that makes you even braver than I thought."

"It does?" Todd looked perplexed.

"Sure does. It's easy to be brave when we're not afraid of something, but to be brave when we are is really tough."

"I like it when you're proud of me. I'm sorry I did so much stuff to make me a disappointment and to make you ashamed of me and have heartache over me. I'll try to be really good and smart and act like a man from now on so you never have to hate me again."

Bo looked up at Susannah and Nora. He shook his head in disgust, over the things Peter had obviously drummed into Todd's head. Bo tightened his hug again. "You don't have to change in any way. I'm proud of you just for being who you are, right now, and so is everyone else."

"Do you think my mom is proud of me?" Todd asked plaintively.

"I think she's very proud of you. I think wherever she is; she loves you very, very much."

"Maybe she'll come back to us if she starts to love me again?"

Bo didn't know how to respond to that. He didn't want to say the wrong thing.

T�a stood in the doorway, weeping softly. She turned around to tell Sam that Todd was confused and he shouldn't take it to heart. Sam was gone. T�a rushed out into the hallway. No, Sam. She hurried to the nurses' station. "Nancy, did you just see Sam go by here?"

"Yes, he left the unit. He seemed upset. He kind of snarled that I should open the doors."

"Damn!" T�a said with frustration. She had no idea where he might have gone off to. She didn't want to leave the unit right now anyway.

Before T�a had a chance to figure out what to do, Viki headed her way.

"Susannah sent Janet to the lounge to let me know what happened. Have you seen Todd? Is he really back? Is he really all right?"

"I just saw him. I don't know all the details. It seems Todd came back when he was with Nora. He's a little confused. I don't think it's the head injury. He seems all right with that. He's acting like Bo is his dad."

Viki sighed and shook her head. "Susannah always said that Todd saw Bo as some kind of father figure . . . one that thought of him in the same way Peter Manning did and sought to punish him. That was why Todd seemed to hate Bo so much."

T�a smiled sadly. "Bo certainly doesn't feel that way now. Ever since he heard the tape Susannah made at Asa's lodge, Bo realized that Todd had a lot of help becoming the person he became. He understands what drives Todd to do the things he does." T�a took Viki's hand. "Todd seems very regressed now. I think it's still Todd, but he's acting like a kid and he is lapping up every bit of affection Bo has for him."

Tears welled up in Viki's eyes. "I hope the memories stay with him when he's back to himself. I think he really needs to feel Bo's approval, Nora's, too." Viki thought for a moment. "Did Sam come back? Is he with Todd, too?"

T�a filled Viki in on what happened.

Viki sat down in one of the lounge chairs. She broke down and wept into her hands. "T�a, what am I going to do? I love Sam. I can't bear to see him suffering this way. I can't let Sam's illness make Todd worse. God, what am I going to do?"

T�a sat next to Viki and took her hand again. "We'll figure it out. You're not alone."

Viki hugged T�a. "Neither are you, not ever again."

*********

"Blair Manning," Blair said into her cell phone.

"Blair, it's Sam Vance. I think I found just what you were looking for. It seems your instincts about Doctor Susannah Hanen were right on the money," Sam laughed at her own joke.

"I'll be right there," Blair said excitedly into the phone. Blair's eyes burned with anger. "Maybe now I'll have the proof Sam needs to bring Todd home, to me and to Starr and away from that horrible hospital . . . away from all of them . . . most of all away from Ms. T�a Delgado," Blair said to herself.

TO BE CONTINUED