PREVIOUSLY

"This is such a fun day. I'm so happy!" Tom exclaimed. "I wanna tell everybody that it's the goodest thing to love nicely." Tom hugged Téa and then Kevin.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Viki rolled over. She had forgotten how comforting it was to share a bed with Sam, instead of sleeping in a bed separate from his in the family lounge. When Sam had slept at home during the time Ritchie was out, it may as well have been in the family lounge. He slept with either his back to Viki, as far to the edge of his side of their bed as he could get, or stayed in the den. Last night Sam had held Viki.

Sam's elevated mood had continued as he and Viki walked through the doors of Llanfair last night. When Viki suggested they order in dinner, Sam responded enthusiastically. He suggested meals from their favorite Italian restaurant. Sam had even joked as he and Viki shared the food and a bottle of wine. Viki couldn't remember the last time Sam's sense of humor had shown. For the first time, in a long time, Sam and Viki talked about the future. They thought it might be nice to take Todd, Téa and Starr to California for a few weeks, when Todd was well enough for that. They knew that if Todd chose full integration, it would take years. The alters would still be coming out, even after Todd was stable enough to leave the hospital. Susannah had explained to Sam that Todd would have better control of the alters then and he and they would be able to function as outpatients. Sam thought some of the child alters and Starr would enjoy Disneyland and Todd might enjoy a trip to Universal Studios to see how some special effects were produced. Viki thought she and Téa could enjoy a shopping trip or two to Rodeo Drive. Viki wanted to share with Téa some of the things she never got to do with Megan.

Sam's mood remained upbeat when he and Viki had gotten into bed. Viki and Sam were content to hold each other as they drifted off to sleep. Their sleep was as peaceful as Todd and Téa's had been. They remained in each other's arms until the alarm woke them at eight-thirty the next morning. Viki called the hospital. She and Sam were very happy to hear that Todd and Téa had a good night and Todd had not needed any medication to help him sleep or keep him asleep.

Sam lingered in bed while Viki took her shower first. Sam smiled when he heard Viki humming in the shower. It was a sound he had not heard in a very long time. Sam folded his arms behind him and rested them against the pillow. He laid his head on them. Susannah was right. It was okay for us to come home for the night. Kevin seems to genuinely care about Todd and he's helping him. Téa seems to love Todd with all her heart. Maybe the hospital, Susannah, the staff, and a relationship with Téa and Kevin are the best thing for Todd and the alters? Blair must be reading this all wrong. She has her own agenda. I need to stop listening to her. I should have more faith in Viki's judgment. Susannah did save Viki's sanity and her life. Maybe she can do the same for Todd? Sam thought to himself. This was the first time in months that Sam had allowed himself to feel hope. He planned on taking Viki out for a leisurely breakfast before going to the hospital. "Our kid is in good hands," Sam said to himself, out loud.

*****************

By the time Téa got to Doctor Anderson's office, two patients were in the waiting area. Doctor Anderson's receptionist told Téa that she would have to wait until these patients were examined, since it was now time for their appointments. Téa hesitated for a minute when she heard that. She knew she'd end up being there for over an hour. Téa didn't understand it, since Todd was better than he'd been in a long time, but every instinct in her told her to get back to his room. Then Téa remembered how upset Todd was at the thought of her canceling her appointment. She knew Todd wanted Doctor Anderson's reassurance that she was all right.

"Is it all right to use my cell phone in here?" Téa asked the receptionist.

"Well, you're really not supposed to use it anywhere in the hospital, but go ahead. We're not near any sensitive equipment."

Téa walked off to the side, for privacy, and called Todd's unit. It put her mind somewhat at ease when Terry told her that Todd was fine. She went on to say that he got up to use the bathroom and then asked if he could rest in bed for a while before he took a shower and started his day. Terry told her that once Todd got back into bed, he seemed to daydream for a short while. Then he fell asleep again. When Téa expressed her concern over Todd's need for so much sleep, Terry told her it was normal for a patient to desire sleep when they felt the weight of an issue had been lifted. Terry also pointed out that Todd putting off taking his shower was a good sign. He was not exhibiting the compulsion to wash. Téa told the receptionist that she would wait to see the doctor. While Terry's information on Todd gave Téa enough peace of mind to wait to be examined, she still had an uneasy feeling she didn't understand.

**************

Terry was right. Todd had been daydreaming before he fell asleep. He'd been thinking about the slay ride he and Téa took when they stayed at the Bayberry inn. Todd remembered the snow fight they had and how they both ended up laughing as they fell into a pile of snow. Todd remembered the way the flakes that stuck to Téa's eyelashes and cheeks had glistened. I wish I hadn't spoiled it for you, Delgado, Todd thought. I wish I hadn't of gotten so scared. Maybe someday we can go back there and I won't be scared anymore. Todd thought about the way Téa had looked in the pictures he took of her. He was sorry he ripped some of them up when he thought Téa was cheating on him. Todd scrunched down in the bed and pulled the sheet and blanket up. His mind went back to the present. He remembered how Téa had looked when he woke up that morning. Delgado's still nice to look at and think about, Todd thought as he drifted off to sleep.

****************

Susannah arrived at nine-thirty. Jeff filled her in on the latest and then asked, "How long should we let him sleep?"

"For as long as he needs to. When he feels rested, I want him to shower and change his clothes." Todd still had on the clothes he wore when he and Téa went in for what was supposed to be a nap. "Try to get him to eat something, as usual. Try something like Saltines and a soda. It may not repulse him as much as the thought of eating a meal. Then I want him in my office for a session. I plan on discussing some treatment goals with him today, while hopefully his mood is positive."

Jeff laughed. "You're not getting your hopes up and expecting complete compliance are you?"

Susannah joined in on the laughter. "Nah. I know our boy. He won't like this. I'm hoping he'll at least be able to listen and understand what we're asking him to do."

Susannah headed for her office.

Jeff checked Todd. He was smiling in his sleep. Jeff gently stroked Todd's head. "You have a good sleep buddy," he whispered. Jeff went to his post outside the door and continued to read his newspaper.

***************

Todd and Téa's eyes locked. "I love you, Delgado," Todd whispered. "I won't ever hurt you."

In his sleep, Todd reached out across the bed for Téa. That side of the bed was empty. He whimpered softly in his sleep as he continued to dream.

Marty and Peter pointed to Todd.

"LET ME DIEEEEEEEE!" Todd shrieked. He gasped. He jumped off the bed and pulled his clothes off.

Jeff rushed into the room.

Todd didn't seem to see him approaching. Before Jeff could reach him, Todd ran for the bathroom. Jeff saw him look directly into his eyes for a split second and smirk. He pulled his desk chair in with him.

"I need staff," Jeff called out loudly. From that one look and that smirk, Jeff knew Todd was not in there alone. Another alter, he wasn't sure which one, had been out, at least for that moment. Jeff ran for the bathroom. The door wouldn't budge. The chair had been rammed under the doorknob.

Within moments Frank, Angelo, Terry, Eileen, Janet, Susannah, Dan and Mark rushed into Todd's room. They heard the shower running.

"I'M SORRY! GIVE THEM BACK TO ME! I'LL GET IT OFF! YOU CAN PUNISH ME. JUST DON'T LET THEM BE DEAD! I'M SORRYYYYY!" Todd's shrieks could be heard over the sound of running water.

Frank and Jeff, using their combined strength, managed to push the door open on their third try. Billows of steam already filled the bathroom. They realized Todd had turned on the hot water only. They rushed to the shower. Todd's body was already red. It was covered with deep scratches as Todd clawed savagely at his skin with his fingernails.

"IT'S NOT COMING OFF!" Todd shrieked. He began to bang his head into the tile wall.

Frank reached Todd first. He managed to pull him into a hold. Jeff and Angelo quickly grabbed for Todd's legs. They got him out of the shower. Frank slid across the wet floor until his back made contact with the wall. Susannah, Terry, Eileen Janet, Mark and Dan all rushed to help with the restraint.

Todd fought more fiercely than he'd been able to in a long time.

"Call a code white," Susannah called out.

Todd managed to pull one slippery leg from Angelo's grasp. He kicked out wildly, getting Angelo in the mouth and eye.

Angelo tasted blood in his mouth and felt one of his bottom teeth come loose. Despite his injury, he quickly managed to hold down Todd's leg again.

"LET GO! YOU'RE KILLING THEM. I HAVE TO GET IT OFF. I HAVE TO TRY TO SAVE THEM. HE'S HERE. MY FATHER'S HERE! ASK HIM. ASK HIM. HE'LL TELL YOU THAT I HAVE TO BE PUNISHED. HE'LL TELL YOU I HURT AND KILLED EVERYONE. HE'LL TELL YOU I'M FILTH! DAD. DAAAAAD. I'M TRYING. I'M TRYING TO GET IT OFF. DON'T HATE ME. I'M TRYING TO TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. LET GOOOO! DON'T YELL. PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME! LET ME GET IT OFF. MARTY'S HERE. ASK HER! THEY'RE DEAD. THEY'RE ALL DEAD. YOU'RE DEAD. YOU CAME BACK TO PUNISH ME. DO IT! DO IT! I WANT YOU TO PUNISH ME. I WANT YOU TO KILL ME. PLEASE! DON'T TOUCH ME! IT'LL GET ON YOU. LET ME GET IT OFF. I HAVE TO PUNISH ME. EVERYONE'LL GET HURT IF I DON'T. NO! NO! YOU'RE DEAD ALREADY. MAKE HIM STOP LAUGHING. I KILLED THEM. I GOT IT ON THEM AND I KILLED THEM. I KILLED YOU. YOU'RE NOT REAL! I KILLED YOU! LET GO! LET ME GET IT OFF. I WAS BAD AND DISGUSTING. NONE OF THEM WILL FORGIVE ME. I KEEP HURTING ALL OF THEM. LET ME WASH IT OFF. LET ME WASH THE BAD AND EVIL OFF. IT'S ALL OVER ME. I FEEL IT CRAWLING ON ME. LET GO! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! THERE! YOU LEAVE ME! GET AWAY! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME! YOU'RE NOT REAL! YOU'RE ALL DEAD! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Additional staff from the two closest units rushed in.

A bruise was already forming on Todd's forehead. Susannah checked Todd's eyes and then checked his head for bumps or lacerations, as Eileen and a tech from the one of the other units held his head tightly. Susannah wanted to make sure there was no head injury before she ordered medication.

Todd was beyond hearing their soothing words. He was lost in a reality that was even more terrifying than his nightmare. Susannah gave orders for Todd to be sedated and for the bed to be set up with a four-point restraint. Todd's abdomen and torso had numerous deep scratches that had to be treated, so no restraint could be placed across either.

Todd continued to shriek and cry. He was gasping for breath. He continued to struggle with all his might.

"Roll him," Terry instructed. As soon as he was in position, she injected him.

Todd struggled, screamed and cried for another few minutes.

"Shhhh. You didn't hurt anyone, Todd. No one's going to hurt you. You're safe. We're all safe. Shhhh. Sleep. It's sleep time," Susannah soothed as Todd's muscles began to relax and his cries and screams faded to whimpers and moans.

"Please, kill me," Todd begged in a slurred voice. His body became limp. When Eileen let go of Todd's head, it slumped down and to the side. His breathing was deep and heavy.

As the staff from the other units left, Susannah and the staff from Todd's unit sprung into action. They poured some cool saline on some sheets and wrapped them around Todd's body to cool and soothe his reddened skin. Vitals were done on him. Susannah listened to his heart and lungs. They were fine. His deep scratches needed to be cleaned and treated with antibiotic cream. Susannah ordered an IV and IV antibiotics started on Todd to guard against infection. She told Dan to cut Todd's fingernails as short as possible while he was out.

"Angelo, you put some ice on that eye and keep that tooth in its socket and bite on some gauze to hold it in place. Get down to the dental clinic," Susannah called out. When Angelo hesitated, in case he was needed, Susannah added, "Now!"

Todd's burns were not serious. His skin would be red for a while, but the burn needed no further treatment.

Susannah told them to put a hospital gown and disposable briefs on Todd after his wounds were taken care of. She instructed Mark and Dan to sit right next to Todd's bed. If he started to seize, the restraints could be taken off in seconds. Frank and Jeff had to change into dry clothes.

"There'll be a debriefing in the lounge outside this room in thirty minutes," Susannah announced. She did not want the staff too far from Todd's room. She also wanted to catch Téa as soon as she got back to the unit.

**************

"Téa, you seem to be doing great. Are you still having symptoms?" Doctor Anderson asked.

"The headaches are less frequent. So are the dizzy spells and the nausea. I find I either need more sleep and sleep very deeply or I toss and turn and can't sleep."

"Every night?" Doctor Anderson probed.

"No, maybe two or three times a week," Téa replied.

"How often are you experiencing headaches?"

Téa thought for a few seconds. "One or two times a week and they're not as severe as they were. They don't cause as much nausea and dizziness."

"Well, those are all typical post concussion symptoms. I'd like you to have one more CT scan in about a month. You can take some Tylenol for the headaches. If you're able to live with the nausea and dizziness, I don't want to give you anything for them because those medications will cause side effects," Doctor Anderson stated.

"Oh yeah. None of my symptoms are debilitating in any way. I'm getting plenty of rest and taking care of myself. I'm really feeling fine most of the time," Téa said happily.

"Great. So, I'll see you in a month. Make an appointment for the CT scan first and then for an appointment to see me. Well, how's that young man of yours doing?" Doctor Anderson asked. "Susannah told me that he's allowed himself to see again."

Téa smiled. "He's doing much better. He's had some amazing breakthroughs. We're all feeling very hopeful. Actually, Todd would feel much better if he could see some kind of report from you and if you would call him. I'm sorry to bother you . . ."

"Not at all," Doctor Anderson cut Téa off. "I have two more patients to see after you and then I will do a note and a phone call one better. I'll stop by and tell Todd in person that you are doing great and he doesn't have to worry."

"Thank you!" Téa exclaimed. "It will mean so much to Todd. I know he'll take great comfort in that."

"My pleasure. Todd is a very special young man. I have great respect and admiration for him, and I'm very fond of some of those children that live inside him."

Doctor Anderson walked Téa to the door.

Téa got a sudden chill down her spine.

"Are you all right?" Doctor Anderson noticed her shiver for a second.

"Yes. I . . . I'm a little uneasy about being away from Todd right now."

Doctor Anderson put his arm around Téa's shoulder and walked her to the door. "Then I won't keep you. Say hello to Todd's family for me."

"I will. Thank you," Téa said. She rushed to the elevator.

****************

Sam and Viki had just asked for second cups of coffee when Viki's phone rang.

"It's Susannah," Viki informed Sam.

They exchanged quick, anxious looks. They knew Susannah would probably not be calling unless there was a problem.

Sam noticed Viki's face go pale as she listened.

"We'll be right there," Viki said and closed the phone.

"What happened?" Sam asked immediately.

"Todd went into a restraint."

"They tied him down again!" Sam was furious.

"They had to. He was hurting himself and the staff. He's been sedated. He's asleep."

"Why . . . what . . . " Sam's mind was reeling. He couldn't finish a sentence. Guilt rained down on him like a heavy summer storm.

"They think a nightmare triggered this episode," Viki filled him in on what little she knew at this point.

Sam took a deep breath. "A nightmare? Where the Hell was Téa? Wasn't she sleeping next to him? Couldn't she tell he was having a nightmare?"

"Sam! It's not reasonable to expect Téa to keep Todd from dreaming."

"The Hell it's not! Todd believed she could. Where was she . . . with Kevin!"

Viki looked at Sam in disbelief. "No! At least I don't think so. Kevin is at the Banner. I saw him before he left this morning, while you were in the shower. He came in late last night, after we'd gone to bed. He'd been on a date with Rachel. He said he was going to the paper and that he'd come to the hospital later in the day."

"Téa was supposed to be watching Todd," Sam said insistently, "Téa and the staff."

"Sam. I didn't get all the details. We can sit here trying to guess what happened or we can get to the hospital and find out."

Sam heard panic and exasperation in Viki's voice. "Let's go," he said angrily.

****************

As soon as the elevator doors opened on seven, Téa rushed off. She was becoming more and more uneasy by the minute. Téa heard the click as Nancy, from where she stood at the nurses' station, pushed the button that unlocked the door. Eileen approached Téa as soon as she walked through the door. Téa saw that something was wrong. She could tell from the look on Eileen's face. She could feel the tension on the too quiet unit.

"Téa," Eileen began. "Todd had an episode. He's in a restraint. He's been heavily sedated. He's sleeping. Susannah's in the lounge outside his room. She wants to talk to you."

"I want to see Todd first," Téa stated.

"Not right now. They're getting him settled," Eileen informed Téa.

"Settled?" Téa didn't like the sound of that.

"Todd needs an IV. He dug his fingernails deeply into his skin, all over his body. Many of the scratches are bleeding. They need to be cleaned and treated. He needs to get some fluids and an antibiotic. Todd's skin is also quite red. He stood under the hot shower for the few minutes it took to get to him. There's a bruise on his head, don't let it frighten you. He didn't hurt his brain in any way."

"Ay dios mio. I had a feeling something was wrong. The whole time I was there I had this bad feeling." Téa hurried to the lounge.

"Téa, come sit and talk to me," Susannah said as soon as she saw a very obviously upset Téa walking toward her.

"What happened? What made Todd lose it like that?"

Susannah pointed to a chair next to hers. "Téa, please sit down and I'll fill you in on everything that I know."

"He was frightened because I left," Téa stated.

"We think it was a nightmare. Todd was sound asleep. Jeff was outside the door. The next thing Jeff knew, Todd had gotten out of breath. His breathing indicated that something frightened him and sent him into a panic. We think an alter, possibly Saber, came out at least for a moment or two. Before Jeff could stop him, Todd took off his clothes and ran into the bathroom. He or an alter stuck the desk chair under the knob."

Before Susannah had a chance to finish telling Téa everything that had occurred, Viki and Sam got there. Sam pounded on the unit door.

"Where's Susannah?"

Susannah and Téa heard Sam's loud angry voice.

"What the Hell did you two do to him?" Sam asked as he approached the lounge.

"Sam! For God's sake!" Viki called after him, as she made her way to the lounge.

"Sam, you need to calm down," Susannah said firmly.

Viki placed her hand on Sam's shoulder. "Honey, please."

Sam took some more deep breaths. He calmed as much as possible. "Todd was fine when we left here. He was supposedly fine when Viki called this morning. What made him become so agitated and violent that you had to put him in a restraint and sedate him?"

Susannah repeated what she had already told Téa. She continued and told all three of them the rest.

"I'm sorry Angelo was hurt," Viki said with tears in her eyes. "Will he be all right?"

"You're worried about Angelo! What about your brother! He almost burned himself to death. He's all cut up."

"Doctor Hanen said he wasn't under the water long enough for any serious burns to occur and he has some deep scratches, not cuts," Téa reminded Sam.

Sam turned to Téa. "Where the Hell were you when this was happening?" Through clenched teeth, Sam added, "You were supposed to be watching him and taking care of him."

"Sam! Stop this. Don't speak to Téa that way. What has gotten into you?" Viki's tone indicated more fear than anger.

Tears spilled down Téa's cheeks. "I shouldn't have left him. It didn't feel right. I should have listened to my instincts. Doctor Anderson called. I'd forgotten that I had an appointment with him for this morning. Todd insisted I go." More tears fell. "Todd was worried and he wanted to make sure I had a clean bill of health. I had to wait for two other patients because I was late. Oh God." Téa turned to Susannah. "Was it my fault? I promised him I'd keep the nightmares away. I promised him I'd keep him safe."

Viki put her arm around Téa. "Honey, no one can do that. Nightmares have haunted Todd his whole life. They will come back sooner or later. Your medical appointments are important, for you and for Todd."

"I want to see him." Sam started to head into Todd's room.

"Not yet, Sam. Please wait until Terry and Janet finish taking care of him," Susannah instructed.

"I'm not going to get in their way. He's my kid and I have a right to see him!" Sam barked.

"Susannah, please. Let Sam see him for just a few minutes," Viki pleaded. She was afraid of what Sam's reaction would be to being kept from Todd.

"I'll wait out here," Téa offered. She knew Sam would not want her in there with him.

Susannah was about to say, "Go ahead," when Janet and Terry came out. Terry was carrying a tray with saline, unused bandages and a tube of cream on it.

"Sam, Viki, you can go in now," Susannah told them.

***************

Viki gasped when she saw Todd. While his skin was only pink now, his face, neck, and arms were covered with long ragged scratches and bandages covering the deeper ones. The skin near the visible scratches was red and slightly swollen. The bruise on his forehead had turned purple.

Viki and Sam slowly approached the bed.

"Oh, baby. Why did you do this to yourself?" Viki said softly.

Sam's jaw tightened as he looked down at Todd. He remained silent.

Viki turned to Mark. "Will he be in much pain when he wakes up?"

"He'll be sore. We'll give him something for the pain if he needs it. He'll be okay," Mark answered as he patted Viki's arm gently.

"He's out cold. Why are you keeping him in restraints?" They could hear the anger in Sam's voice.

"Todd doesn't always respond predictably to medication. He could waken suddenly and try to hurt himself again. Susannah needs to access him when the sedation lifts. He may not remember what happened when he wakes up. He was probably in a dissociative state and he was experiencing auditory, visual and tactile hallucinations," Mark explained.

"He was fine when I left him here with all of you," Sam accused.

"Todd escalates quickly. A nightmare seemed to trigger this episode," Dan stated.

"Do you know what the nightmare was about?" Viki's voice broke as she asked this.

"Todd was not coherent," Mark began. "From what we could tell he thought his father and Marty were here. He thought they wanted to see him punished. He thought they were laughing at him. He thought we were dead. The same belief and feeling of being covered with filth that he's been experiencing since the memories came back of being forced to be sexual with his mother and being forced to do things he considers vile to her came back. He wanted to wash the filth away and punish himself at the same time. Saber or another alter that wants to punish Todd or that was encouraging Todd to punish himself might have been out."

"Marty? Why was he suddenly thinking about Marty? He hasn't even mentioned her in a while," Viki wondered out loud.

"Maybe because I wasn't there for him during the time he was acting out with Marty and Nora and that other woman." Sam couldn't remember Luna's name. "And I wasn't there for him today."

"Honey, he was doing so well when we left. We had no reason to think . . ."

"We had no reason to think we could trust them to protect Todd and not make him worse," Sam blurted out, before Viki finished talking.

Sam felt like a stupid fool for feeling the hope he felt. Sam had never been a superstitious man. Now he wondered if he had jinxed Todd by allowing himself to hope and feel some happiness. Even though Sam was lashing out at everyone, he blamed himself the most. He believed this wouldn't have happened if he had not left. His mind frame quickly reverted back to feelings of suspicion. He wondered if Téa, Susannah and the staff had waited until he was gone for a while and then did something to Todd to make him act this way. Tears sprang to Sam's eyes. He didn't want to think this way. It frightened him.

"Honey," Viki said gently. "You know we can trust Téa and everyone here. They love Todd. This is the nature of mental illness. There are regressions. Todd has always had setbacks. He'll get through this. You know how strong he is. Please."

Viki held back her own fears. She was trying to stay strong for Sam. Right now all Viki wanted to do was sit down and cry. She was terrified for Todd. This setback was like a kick in the stomach. Viki had such hopes. She knew what she said to Sam, about this being the nature of mental illness, was true. Nevertheless, she truly had hoped that they were all closer to getting their life back. The dreams and plans she had such a short time ago had come back to slap her in the face.

Téa had been sitting quietly for a few minutes. Susannah said nothing. She gave Téa some time to process what had happened.

"Do you think it's all lost?" Téa finally asked.

"Do I think 'what' is all lost?" Susannah needed clarity.

"All the progress Todd made. All the good feelings . . . the love he let himself feel . . . the trust . . . feeling safe." Téa started to cry. "Everything," she added through her tears.

Susannah reached for the box of tissues that was on the table next her chair. She handed it to Téa. "No, Téa. Nothing is lost. All those good feelings are still inside Todd. He was able to allow himself to experience them. He taught himself that he could feel all those good things. He will be able to build on that."

"Why? Why did he . . . his mind . . . his subconscious . . . whatever you call it . . . do this? Why did he feel dirty again and feel the need to punish himself, when he was finally feeling so much better?" Téa couldn't understand.

"Todd already carries a tremendous amount of shame and guilt around for the things he remembers, like the rapes and his need to hurt people. He also carries around tremendous amounts of anger for the things that he remembers being done to him. Now you add in the memories that are coming back to him . . . horrible, terrifying memories of being abused and being forced to abuse his mother and he's overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and anger. He doesn't feel he deserves any of those good feelings. He feels he's a monster. He feels subhuman and undeserving of what other people have. Also, he doesn't want to feel that anger because he's so frightened of what he's capable of doing with it. He turns much of that anger inward. Hating himself, and wanting to hurt himself gives him some relief from obtrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt others."

"I can understand Todd being guilty, ashamed, and angry with himself for the things that he's done, but he should feel anger toward his parents that way for the things they did to him."

"Téa, I know it's difficult to understand. Todd's guilt and anger come from feeling powerless and helpless while he was being abused and abandoned. He feels he brought it on himself because he couldn't stop it."

"He was a child. He knows children can't stop horrible things that are being done to them. He knows if someone hurt Starr it wouldn't be her fault and at times he's even realized that the child alters were not at fault for being abused."

"Yes, that's true. The problem is, Todd does not put himself in their league. He thinks of them as good, pure, and deserving of love."

"And he thinks of himself as evil, disgusting, and deserving of hate," Téa finished what Susannah was about to say.

"Yes. Todd believes he deserves what was done to him. It was what his father taught him all his life. His mother’s inability to rescue him and then her abandoning him was more proof that his father was right. More proof was added when he learned his birth parents gave him away."

Téa's lips and chin trembled. "Poor Todd. Oh God. Nothing ever went right for him. He never had anyone to turn to the whole time he was growing up. When Sam never offered to let him live with him, Todd must have taken that as further proof that he deserved what his father did to him, too."

Téa and Susannah looked up when they saw the shadow of Sam standing there. By the look in Sam's eyes, they saw that he heard what Téa just said.

Téa stood up. "Sam, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean that as an accusation. We were talking about the way Todd interpreted things."

"Don't be sorry," Sam said bitterly. "That's exactly the message I gave Todd. He gave me a thousand clues. His cries for help were deafening and I never heard them because I never wanted to. I'll be in the family lounge if Todd needs me," Sam said. He started to walk away.

Téa rushed after him. She placed her hand on his arm. "Sam. Please don't leave. Talk to Doctor Hanen. Talk to me. We're all crushed that Todd had this setback. Please. Talk to us."

Sam turned and looked at Téa coldly. "You let Susannah and Viki pat you on the back and make you feel better by telling you that nothing you did hurt Todd. I'll face what I've done to that boy."

"Sam!" Téa called out as Sam pulled away from her and continued on his way.

Susannah walked over to Téa. "Let him be. It won't do any good. He's not able to hear you right now."

"He's not being rational. Someone has to get through to him," Téa protested.

Susannah shook her head. "He's not ready. Sam is like Todd in many ways. Right now Sam wants to feel as bad as he can possibly feel. He wants to suffer for what he thinks he did. Sam can't see the irrationality of his beliefs because there are tiny grains of truth in them. He did miss all the clues Todd gave him. He did see bruises and burns on Todd's body. He did put his life with his family before Todd. All of that is true."

Téa sighed. "Is it all right if I go in to see Todd? I know Viki's in there now. I'll wait until she comes out."

"Sure," Susannah replied.

"Oh, Doctor Anderson," Téa suddenly remembered. "He was going to come to see Todd to tell him that I'm okay."

Susannah held her hand up. "Don't worry. I'll call John and tell him what happened. I'll go to my office and do that right now."

Téa smiled sadly. "Thanks."

Susannah squeezed Téa's shoulder and left for her office.

Téa put her face in her hands and wept.

***************

Viki stroked Todd's head one more time, before she got up to leave. She wanted to call Kevin and tell him what happened.

Dan walked over to Viki. "He'll be okay. Todd needs time to work through the things he remembered happening to him."

Viki nodded and gave Dan a half smile. "I know. I remember what it was like when the memories started coming back. As terrible as the guilt was when I blamed myself, it felt safer than blaming my father." Viki looked down at Todd again. "It's just so hard to see him like this . . . hurt . . . tied down . . . drugged . . . " Viki's voice trailed off.

Dan patted her on the shoulder. "I know. Hopefully things will be better when he wakes up."

"Yeah." Viki tried to believe that.

***************

Viki was a few feet from Todd's room when she saw Téa walking toward it.

Téa's fears that Viki blamed her too faded when Viki held out her arms to her.

"Viki, I'm so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have left. Every cell in my body was screaming at me not to leave. I should have listened," Téa said between sobs. She hugged Viki tightly.

"Honey. I know that. Please don't let the things Sam said upset you. You know that Sam blames himself for not being here and he was lashing out at you and Susannah. As Susannah has told us over and over again, it's not realistic that we spend every moment of the day with Todd."

"I know, but I had this feeling. I should have listened to it."

Viki took Téa's face between her hands. "I'm very happy that you and Todd are so connected. Sweetie, don't ever discount that. It's something very special. It doesn't always happen like that between two people. You and Todd are not only a part of each other's lives; you're a part of each other's heart and soul. This time you were in a bad position. Todd was upset. He wanted you to go for your check up. Either way, you were afraid there would be a problem. If Todd could talk to you now, he would still tell you that going to see your doctor was what he wanted. Please don't beat yourself up for doing what Todd wanted you do to."

"No, I won't." Téa promised.

"You go in and sit with your husband for a while," Viki directed. She gently squeezed Téa's shoulders.

Téa nodded and then said, "Sam is in the family lounge. I'm afraid I upset him even more. Sam overheard me say that I thought his not rescuing Todd when he was a child contributed to Todd's belief that he deserved punishment."

Viki sighed. "You only voiced what Sam already thinks. I know he believes without a doubt that none of this would be happening to Todd if he had rescued him. What eats away at Sam is that there is some truth to it."

"That's what Doctor Hanen said, too," Téa stated.

"Of course, there's some truth in it. It's also true that I never rescued Todd. Sam never sees that part of it. He's too intent on taking all the blame on himself."

"Viki, I don't understand. How could you have rescued Todd? You didn't even know he existed."

Viki shuddered. Tears sprang to her eyes. "I don't know. I realize it's totally irrational. It's just a feeling I have sometimes . . . I feel that somehow I should have known . . . Todd is a part of me . . . he's my baby brother. I should have known."

Téa took Viki's hands in hers. "I think both you and Sam need to stop feeling guilty. Doctor Hanen always says our guilt doesn't help Todd in any way. Maybe we all need to listen to her."

"Easier said than done," Viki said sadly.

"I know." Téa nodded. "I know."

"You go to Todd now. You let him know that you're all right and that you're there for him. I'm sure he'll hear you on some level."

Téa and Viki squeezed each other's hands for comfort one more time. Téa headed for Todd's room and Viki headed for the family lounge.

****************

"Mi corazon," Téa said softly. She stroked Todd's head. "I wish I knew how to make all the pain go away." Téa gently kissed Todd's lips. His mouth was one of the only areas on his body that wasn't covered in deep scratches. "Doctor Anderson was going to come to see you. He wanted to tell you in person that I'm doing very well." Téa reached to take Todd's hand.

Dan put down the clipboard he was holding and leaned forward. "Don't undo the restraint," he cautioned.

"No. I know. I won't. Is it all right if I hold his hand?"

"Sure it is," Dan stated.

Téa wished she could be alone with Todd. However, she knew it was important for staff to be very close to Todd when he was in a restraint. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to chase away your nightmare. I promised you I would be." Téa squeezed Todd's hand tightly. "I'm here now, mi amor. If those bad dreams come back, they'll have me to contend with. We're a team, Todd. If anyone or anything tries to hurt one of us, sooner or later they'll always have the other to contend with." Téa smiled. "Whether we're arguing or loving each other, you give as good as you get, pal. You may try to push me away again when you wake up, but I think you know, in here," Téa put her other hand on Todd's head, "and in here," she moved her hand to his heart, "that no matter how hard you push, you'll never be able to push me away again. You don't ever have to be afraid of feeling lost in this world again, Todd. Neither do I. No matter what happens, we'll always find our way back to each other. We always have and we always will." Téa stroked Todd's head again. "Our love is like a trail of breadcrumbs. No matter what happens, or where we are, or what comes between us, it will always lead us back to each other."

*****************

Téa had been sitting with Todd for more than four hours when he began to moan softly.

"Téa, will you please go to the nurses' station and have someone get Susannah," Mark asked. He then added, "We're going to have to ask you to wait outside after that. Susannah needs to assess Todd."

Téa squeezed Todd's hand one more time. "I'll be right outside, querido."

****************

Susannah put her tape recorder on 'record' and placed it on the night table.

Todd tugged on the wrist restraints again as he whimpered softly.

"Todd, open your eyes. I want you to look at me," Susannah instructed.

Todd continued to try to raise his arms and whimper. As usual, he was having a hard time coming out of sedation.

Susannah called Terry in to do vitals on Todd. When Terry finished, Susannah sat by Todd's bed speaking soothingly to him for another thirty minutes before Todd's eyes fluttered open.

Todd looked around the room. Nothing was in focus. His body felt heavy. His tongue felt thick. He felt disconnected.

"Hi, honey. How are you feeling?" Susannah asked.

Susannah's voice sounded far away. Todd wondered why everything was so slow and foggy. He couldn't figure out where he was or who was talking to him. He tried to raise his arms to rub his eyes.

"It hurts," Todd whimpered. His speech was slurred. "It hurts all over."

"We'll help make it feel better," Susannah promised soothingly.

Susannah nodded in Mark's direction. He knew she wanted him to get Todd some pain medication. Susannah had already left a prn order for it.

Todd tugged on the restraints again. He began to cry. "I can't move my arms."

Susannah brushed his hair back from his face. "You're in a restraint, Todd. Relax. It's okay."

"No," Todd wailed. "Take it off. I don't wanna be tied up. Take it off."

"Shhhh. Not yet," Susannah said gently. She stroked his head tenderly.

Todd slowly licked his parched lips.

"Would you like some water?" Susannah offered.

After a few seconds Todd nodded.

Susannah raised his head slightly with one hand and held the cup to his lips with the other.

Todd took a sip. The cool water felt good. He licked his lips again and took another sip, when dizziness and nausea washed over him. "Ooooh. I don't feel good."

Susannah lowered his head. She knew this was a reaction to the medication.

"Close your eyes and take some deep breaths," Susannah instructed.

Todd closed his eyes, but didn't take any breaths. Susannah didn't know if he was able to partially understand her instructions, or if he closed his eyes out of instinct.

After a couple of minutes the dizziness and nausea passed. Todd opened his eyes again. Everything was still foggy.

"Mama," Todd called out. "Let me out. Mama, untie me. Don't let him punish me."

Susannah continued to stroke Todd's head. "You're safe here. No one's going to punish you. The restraints are on to keep you safe. No one will hurt you. I promise."

Todd looked around the room again. It became a little clearer.

Susannah would be able to get a much better assessment now that Todd could see. She pulled up a chair. She needed to measure Todd's response time. She held her arm so she could see her watch as she spoke to him.

"Can you tell me your name?"

Twenty-eight seconds went by before he whispered, "Todd."

"Todd, can you tell me where you are?"

Todd looked around once more. He looked bewildered. Slowly, recognition came into his eyes. "My room . . . my room at the loony bin."

Susannah and the staff exchanged smiles.

"Who am I?" Susannah asked.

Todd turned in the direction of her voice. He stared at her. "My doctor," he finally answered. Fifty-five seconds had gone by. His speech was still slurred.

"Do you know my name?" Susannah pressed.

After another forty seconds, Todd responded. "Doctor Hanen."

"Good. You're doing great. I want you to remember these three words and repeat them to me a little later." Susannah spoke slowly. "Cup, pencil, car." She then went on. "Can you tell me if it's day or night?"

Todd moaned. He closed his eyes. Tears trickled though the slits. Susannah waited silently to see if he could respond.

After almost ninety seconds, Todd opened his eyes. He looked toward the window. "Day," he answered. "The sun means it's day, right?" he sounded confused.

"Yes, honey. The sun means it's day," Susannah confirmed.

"Good. I don't like night. Everything is worse at night."

"Can you tell me what's worse at night?" Susannah pressed.

"Everything." Todd answered with great effort. A sob escaped.

"Everything is a whole lot," Susannah said gently. "Can you tell me just one thing that's worse at night?"

Todd was silent again for over a minute before he said, "Mom's drink a lot at night."

"Your mom used to get drunk mostly at night," Susannah restated.

"Yeah," Todd whispered after only a couple of seconds. "Dads come home at night."

"Is that another bad thing that happens at night, dads come home?"

Todd nodded.

"Do moms drink a lot at night because dads come home?"

"Because kids are bad and they make dads act mean," Todd said slowly.

"Who thinks kids are bad?"

"Dads do." Todd's responses were becoming quicker. "Dads come home after working hard to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table and clothes on their backs and they don't like to have an ungrateful little bastard around. They don't want anyone to make noise or talk or laugh at the T.V. or listen to music or take the mom's attention away from them. They're the boss and they deserve to have things the way they want when they come home. They shouldn't have to put up with having a stupid, ugly, son of a bitch kid to look at when they come home. It makes them really mad."

"What happens when they get really mad?" Susannah pushed.

"They teach the moms and the kids a lesson and the moms drink booze and pass out and-and . . ." Todd's respirations began to quicken. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"Okay," Susannah immediately agreed. "You don't have to. Can you remember the three words I asked you to remember a little while ago?"

Todd thought for a minute. "Car. You said car."

"That's right. I did. Good job remembering that. Can you remember the other two?"

Tears sprang to Todd's eyes. He shook his head.

"That's okay. You don't have to remember them now," Susannah assured him.

Terry came in with the medication for Todd's pain. She also needed to do vitals on him.

Todd cringed when she came near him. "No! Don't touch me. Don't touch me!" Todd began tugging on the restraints.

Susannah realized the more alert he became, the more his memories and fears were coming back to him. She had been able to stroke his head just a few minutes ago, without incident.

"Todd, relax. It's Terry, hon. I need to do your vitals. This doesn't hurt. Remember?"

"No! I don't want you to touch me!" A flash of Todd's dream came back him. "I killed you. I killed you 'cause you touched me."

"No, hon. You didn't kill me. I'm right here and I'm fine. Did you have a bad dream?"

Todd was confused. "I . . . I-I don't know. Please don't touch me," Todd begged.

Terry took a pair of gloves off the tray she had carried in with her. "I'll put these on, okay?"

Todd stared at the gloves for a second. "Okay." Then he asked, "Can you untie me? It hurts. It hurts all over."

"Not, yet Todd. Let Terry finish taking care of you, and then we'll see," Susannah answered quickly. She wanted the restraints in place at least until Terry finished.

Other than Todd's pressure being a little lower than usual, his vitals were normal, for him.

"You're doing great, Todd. Now I'm going to give you a painkiller. That should help it stop hurting." Terry lifted the syringe.

"No! No shots! No shots! No medicine! I'll be good. I won't wake you up. I won't dream anymore. I'll be good," Todd cried out. He struggled in the restraints. He moaned with pain.

"I don't have to stick you. It goes right into your IV. You won't feel it," Terry said soothingly.

"No! I don't want medicine. I'll fall asleep and the teacher'll get mad at me. She'll tell my dad and he'll get even madder. I don't want my dad to get so mad that he'll die from the heart attack I give him."

"You're not in school now," Susannah presented reality. "You're in the hospital. Your dad's not here. No one is going to get angry. You need the medication to help stop the pain you're in."

"No!" Todd protested. "I should be in pain. I should be punished. I hurt everyone. I should be dead like all of them. You kill me! You give me enough medicine to kill me. Please!" Todd's struggling increased. The more he tried to move, the more he moaned in pain.

"Todd, you need to lie quietly. You're not helping yourself by moving around this way," Susannah said firmly, then more gently she added, "That medicine is for the pain you're experiencing. We're not trying to keep you from dreaming. It's not any kind of punishment."

"Let me go! Untie me! I hate myself! I deserve to hurt! It was real. I hurt them. I wanna hurt me, too! Let me go," Todd pleaded.

"Not yet. You're not showing us that you're calm or that you'll stay safe if we take off the restraints," Susannah said calmly.

"I want my mom," Todd cried out.

Susannah gave Terry the nod to inject the medication.

"Mama. Mama," Todd whimpered to himself. "Mama, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. Don't leave me."

"Okay, hon," Terry said gently. "All done. You try to relax now. You should start to feel better in just a few minutes."

Todd's only reaction to Terry's words was a loud sigh of despair.

Susannah waited silently for the medication to kick in. She knew it would help calm Todd a little, as well as help alleviate his pain.

Todd whimpered and murmured to himself for another couple of minutes and then he started to calm. "I deserve pain. It's my body," Todd whispered, to himself as much as to Susannah.

"It's your body," Susannah confirmed. "How does hurting it help you?"

"I told you. I told you! I deserve to be hurt. I deserve all the punishment I've gotten and even more. It helps. It . . . leave me alone." Todd closed his eyes and sighed. "You won't understand."

"Try to help me understand," Susannah encouraged.

"It makes me stop thinking bad things. It makes feeling 'weird' go away."

"Can you tell me what kind of bad things you think and how you feel weird?"

Todd turned his head toward the window. "It's day. You said it was day, right? I don't want it to be night."

Susannah understood that by changing the subject so suddenly, Todd was not ready to talk about what drove him to want pain and punishment. "It's day. What else gets worse at night besides dads coming home and getting angry and moms drinking booze?" Susannah probed.

Todd's chin trembled. "You have to go to sleep at night."

"You don't like having to go to sleep," Susannah restated.

"Bad things happen when you're sleeping."

"What are some of the bad things that happen when you're sleeping?"

Todd tugged on the restraints as he tried to raise his hands to his ears. "I don't wanna talk about my dad."

"Shhhh, you don't have to. Relax. Take a deep breath," Susannah instructed. "That's good," Susannah said softly when Todd complied. There was enough sedation still in his system to help him stay calmer than he normally would when Susannah pressed him on these issues. The pain medication helped, too. Susannah knew that things still felt slow and a little dream like for Todd.

"Why'd you tie me down and drug me?" Todd asked. Before Susannah had a chance to answer, a look of horror appeared on Todd's face. "It's because I hurt someone. I did something terrible to someone."

"No. You did not try to hurt anyone." Susannah avoided telling him about Angelo. That was not deliberate. Todd did not need anything additional to feel guilty about. "You were hurting yourself. Do you remember waking up from your dream and going into the bathroom?"

Todd shook his head. "What'd I do to myself?"

"You were in a dissociative state. We believe an alter, most likely an adult alter, came out for a very short while. He may have tried to hurt you or encouraged you to hurt yourself."

Todd's eyes closed tightly and more tears slipped through at the mention of the word alter.

Susannah continued. "You burned your skin slightly by standing under a hot shower and you dug your nails into your skin and scratched yourself badly. You also hit your head into the shower wall. That's why you're hurting right now."

"How come you couldn’t stop me?" Todd asked anxiously.

"It happened very quickly. You were asleep one moment and the next you pushed a chair under the bathroom doorknob. We got to you very quickly. I’m sorry. It wasn't fast enough to keep you from doing some damage to yourself."

"Do I hurt people a lot during the times I don't remember?"

"No. Absolutely not," Susannah responded honestly.

"Can you promise me that you'll protect everyone from me always?"

"No. There can be times, like today, when things happen too quickly. We will always try our best to keep you and everyone safe. We make sure to keep this unit as safe as humanly possible. We don't allow anything on this unit that you can use as a weapon against anyone or against yourself."

Todd's chin quivered. "I don't remember. I don't remember doing any of that."

"Do you remember waking up from your nightmare?"

Todd thought for a few minutes. More tears spilled from the sides of his eyes. "No," he whispered.

It was definitely as they thought. Todd had been in a dissociative state.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Susannah asked.

More flashes of Todd's nightmare came back to him. He began to panic. His eyes darted around the room.

"Todd, you're safe. No one can hurt you," Susannah assured him.

"No. No! Not me! Them! Them! Please! Oh God!" Todd tugged on the restraints. "Let me go! Untie me! They're dead. They're all dead and it's my fault. I got it on them and it killed them. My mom . . . Viki . . . Sam . . . you . . . the staff . . . oh God . . . Delgado . . . Starr . . . all of you. I'm sorry! Oh God! I don't wanna hurt you. I did disgusting things to Delgado. I didn't rape her. I swear. I didn't rape her."

"Todd, it was a dream. It was a nightmare. Viki, Sam, Téa and Starr are fine. I'm fine and so is the staff. I know you didn't rape Téa. Téa's doing really well. Her check up with Doctor Anderson went well. He said she's doing great. You didn't hurt anyone. It was a bad dream, honey. Do you think you can tell me about it?"

"My dad . . . he's here."

"Your dad was alive in your dream," Susannah restated in a way that would hopefully bring Todd into reality.

"No . . . yeah . . . I don't know." Tears continued to fall. "He was real. He was here and Marty was here. She still hates me for what I did to her. He still hates me for being such a stupid, worthless, loser. Marty says I'm a curse. She's right. I hurt all of them. I got it on them and I killed them. I killed my own little girl. I killed Starr. I wanna get it off and I can't. I killed Téa and I killed Starr," Todd sobbed.

"Starr is fine and so are Téa, Sam and Viki. We're all okay. You didn't hurt or kill anyone. Do you think Marty still hates you for the rape?" Susannah probed.

Todd nodded. "I thought she . . . we became fr . . . I tried to help her. I went to Ireland to help her. I saved Patrick for her." Todd's face scrunched with agony as he spoke. "I saved Patrick for her and then I got him killed and taken away from her. That's what I do. I get so mad and then I hurt people. I never meant to hurt Marty, but I did because I'm so mad inside. I hurt my mom because I'm so disgusting inside. I hurt my dad and gave him a heart attack because I'm such a loser. Sam looks all sick because of me. Everyone gets hurt around me. It's all over me and inside me. It won't come off."

"You want all the anger and the bad feelings to go away," Susannah helped verbalize Todd's feelings for him.

"They won't. They won't ever go away and they're stuck to me and in me. I tried. I did shrink stuff in prison and everything came back. I still hurt everyone."

"You never raped anyone again," Susannah reminded him.

"No, never! I never did that again. I'd die before I do that again."

"I know," Susannah said, tenderly. "I don't think you ever will. Do you remember if your dream started out frightening?" Susannah asked.

Todd thought for a few minutes. He turned away from Susannah and shook his head.

"So, it started out as a good dream?" Susannah explored.

Todd nodded. "Yeah," he whispered.

Susannah could tell Todd was becoming more alert. She could also tell he was still feeling the effects of the medication. His responses were still slower than usual. His words were still slightly slurred. In some ways, this was beneficial. Susannah could push him more than she would if he didn't have additional medication calming him and restraints to keep him from lashing out and hurting himself. "Let's talk about the good part. Can you tell me how your dream started?"

Todd stared off into space for a few minutes. Susannah could see he was remembering.

"Delgado and I were home. Everything was okay. I wasn't crazy anymore." Todd laughed at the irony of it. "I guess that should have told me it was only a dream."

Susannah smiled. "It sounds like it started out to be a wonderful dream."

Todd gave a slight nod. "Everyone was really happy. The substitute emergency card worked. We got to do everything over again. It was like being in Second Chance. I got fixed and I didn't have to do stuff that hurt anymore. All the bad went away. All of you forgave me and didn't hate me. Delgado loved me and wanted to be my wife forever. Everyone forgave me. Even God forgave me for being born. Sam and Viki were married and they wanted me . . ." Todd stopped talking.

"It's okay to say it," Susannah coaxed.

"Nah," Todd turned his head and looked away from Susannah. "It's stupid. It was just a stupid part of a stupid dream. A part that'll never come true."

Susannah realized how typical it was for Todd to believe the bad parts of his dream were true and not the good parts.

"Did Viki and Sam want you to be their son in your dream?" Susannah surmised.

Todd nodded.

"Honey, that good part of your dream is already true. Everyone here likes you so much and cares very much about you. Téa loves you with all her heart. She is your wife and wants to stay your wife and be with you forever. Viki and Sam think of you as their son. They adore you. They all long for the day you are well enough to go home with them."

"No! I can't ever do that. I was home with Téa. She said it was okay. She said it was safe to touch her. I wanted to all those other times and I didn't because I knew what would happen. I was right. I never should have. I was disgusting and filthy and I got it on her and-and her skin . . . her beautiful skin . . . I didn't put a sweatband in her mouth. I didn't! I didn't wanna hurt her and she got hurt anyway."

"Were you being sexual with Téa, in your dream?" Susannah asked.

"She said it was okay. I didn't rape her!"

"No, you didn't. Your unconscious mind might know that Téa wants to be sexual with you. She loves you. She knows you won't hurt her. She trusts and believes in you, Todd. That can be why you dreamed you were being sexual with Téa, not because you wanted to rape her. Dreams can also express unresolved desires and feelings. Do you want to be sexual with Téa?"

"I won't! I won't hurt her the way I did my mom or the way I did Marty. I've tried to protect Téa. She never understood. She felt hurt. She felt like a dog begging for scrap. She said I made her feel that way. Why won't she understand that it's because I don't want anything bad to happen to her?"

"She understands. She knows now that you were trying to protect her. She also knows you love her very much."

"No! No! No! No! I can't love her. I destroy everyone I love. You fix it. You make me not love her."

"Oh, honey. No one can make a person love or not love someone. I promise you that it's safe to love Téa and everyone else. Your love makes them happy. It makes them feel good. It's very special to them because you're very special to them. Even if you were far away from those that love you and those that you love, it wouldn't stop the love."

"I can't ever give Delgado everything she wants," Todd said sadly.

"Sex is very confusing for you," Susannah stated.

"It gets people hurt."

"You got a lot of mixed messages about sex when you were growing up."

"My dad said a man is entitled to take it when he wants it."

"So your mom never had a say in it?"

Todd shook his head. Some more tears trickled down his cheeks. "Sometimes when my mom would get drunk she'd come on to my dad. He hated that. He'd call her bad names and hurt her. Then when she didn't want to any more and she'd scream 'no,' he'd . . . he'd." A loud sob escaped.

"He'd rape her," Susannah guessed.

"No! What? No! I never said that. It never happened. It never happened! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Todd. The message your mom and dad were giving you was that sex, power, violence, love, revenge, attention, punishment, affection, and rage are all one and the same. It doesn't have to be that way. Your dad and your mom had a lot of problems. It's not like that for everyone and it doesn't have to be like that for you. I think you already know that you don't use sex to gain power over someone or get revenge on someone. You don't use it as a form of punishment. You don't handle your anger by raping someone."

"I know. I know!" Todd let out a loud sob. "And 'no' means 'no'," he added.

Susannah smiled. "That's right. You're not your dad, Todd. You're not like your dad. He never understood that. He was never strong enough or brave enough to get help, the way you do. You don't have to be afraid of being sexual with Téa."

"No. I can't," Todd choked out.

"You're still afraid to trust yourself. You're still afraid that you'll hurt Téa if you are sexual with her. Let's talk about some of the things that happened with your mom," Susannah tried.

"No! I don't wanna talk about my mom and I don't wanna talk about Téa. It's not just sex. It's everything. Just being near me will hurt her. It will hurt all of you. Why won't you believe me! I'm not lying. You'll see and then it'll be too late!"

"I know that you believe it. I don't see it that way. I see Téa and the rest of us feeling very happy when we're near you."

"I don't care what you see. I want you to tell them all they can't come here anymore. You do it! You do it to save them and you do it to save yourself," Todd demanded.

Susannah shook her head. "I'm sorry Todd. I don't believe any of us are in need of being saved from you. I think the best thing for us and for you is for you to be in our life. I want your family to continue being here for you and the staff and I will be here for you, too."

Another large tear rolled down his cheek. "No! You can't! Terrible things are gonna happened to all of you. Delgado is wrong. She said it was safe to touch her. Viki is wrong. She said it was safe to touch Starr. All of you are wrong. There is no forgiveness for me. Even the couple that saved me in Ireland was wrong. There is no redemption for Todd Manning. I'm cursed. I was born cursed and I destroy everyone. If I love them, they die. If I touch them, they die. Horrible, terrible things will happen to them first and then they'll die." Todd turned his head away from Susannah again.

"Do you feel like you have a lot of power and control over everything?" Susannah posed.

"Huh?" Todd turned his head and looked into Susannah's eyes.

"Do you feel like you are a very powerful person and have some kind of superhuman control over everything and everyone?"

"I don't have any control over anything. Do you think I'd let all of you get hurt if I did! Do you think I'd want my life like this if I did! I hate the way everything is," Todd answered.

"Well, then, I don't understand. If you have no power and control over anything, how could everyone getting hurt be your fault?"

Todd looked into Susannah's eyes again. He quickly turned his head away. "Shut up!"

"You feel powerless. Does believing your love and your touch can hurt and kill people help you to feel powerful?"

"Shut up! Shut up! You shut up!" Todd tugged on the restraints. "This is different. I'm not mad at Delgado and Sam and Viki and everyone here. I don't wanna make them sorry. I don't wanna show them that I'm a man and they can't hurt me and boss me around and make fun of me. I'm not mad at them because I thought they liked me and I was really nothing to them."

"Who did make you feel like that?" Susannah asked.

Some more tears fell from Todd's eyes. His chin and lower lip trembled. He didn't respond.

"Did Marty make you feel like that?"

"She begged me to stay with her and she didn't mean it. She didn't ask me because she liked me." Todd emphasized the word me. "I could have been anyone. She didn't even like me. She was just like those women my dad would bring home. None of them cared about him. Then she made fun of me. She always put me down in front of everyone. She treated me like I was worthless dirt. She thought I was stupid. She told everyone I was stupid. She was supposed to help me pass calculus and she made sure I failed and got kicked off the football team. She made my dad think I was even more of a loser. Being good at football was the only thing he ever liked about me. Marty took that away from me."

"So you feel that Marty had a lot of power over you," Susannah verbalized Todd's feelings.

"She thought she did . . . all of them thought they did. Marty . . . Nora . . . Luna . . . I showed them I was a man. I showed them who was in control and who had the power. I showed them they couldn't dump me or dump on me. I sho . . . oh God!" Todd squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh God! I don't wanna feel that way. Please kill me. Please don't ever let me do that to anyone again. I don't wanna be like him. I don't wanna do that to anyone. I hate me! I hate me! I know how I made Marty feel. I deserve to be punished for what I did. There's never enough punishment for a rapist. I knew what a woman looks like when she's being raped. I knew the way she screams and cries and begs for it not to happen. I knew how broken and hurt she is afterward and how it makes her so scared all the time. I knew! I knew! Oh God! I knew and I did it anyway. I'm just like him. I'm just like him."

"You saw someone get raped?" Susannah pressed.

Todd tugged hard on the restraints. "Let me go! Let me go!"

"Whom did you see get raped?" Susannah pushed.

"LET ME GO! I DESERVE TO BE HURT!" Todd screamed.

"Do you want your hands free so you can hurt yourself?"

"YES! I HATE ME! I WANNA RIP MY SKIN OFF. I WANNA STAB MYSELF. I WANNA BURN MYSELF. I WANNA HIT MY HEAD IN THE WALL UNTIL ALL THE THOUGHTS STOP. I WANNA SCRUB ALL THE DIRT OFF. I HATE ME! I'M FILTH. I'M DISGUSTING! IT'S ALL OVER ME! THE CURSE IS ALL OVER ME AND I CAN'T GET IT OFF AND IT GETS ON EVERYONE. I DO WHAT HE DID. HE DID THAT TO HER OVER AND OVER AGAIN."

"Your dad raped your mom over and over again and you saw it?" Susannah stated.

"YES! HE WANTED ME TO SEE IT!" Todd gasped for breath. "Oh God." Todd mouthed those last two words. No sound came out of his mouth. Then he began to speak in little more than a whisper. "He wanted me to watch him do things to her. He wanted to watch me do things to her. He liked to do things to me while he watched me do things to her. He'd hurt her and me a lot worse if I didn't. I was so scared. I'm such a coward. I should have let him hurt me worse. My own mom. I did things to my own mom. She hated me. She thought I was disgusting and she was right. I saw how she felt when he did things to her and then I ended up doing the same. I knew what it was like and I did it to Marty and to Carol and . . . oh God! Please let me end it. Please. You'll be saving everyone . . . Viki . . . Sam . . . Téa . . . Starr . . . please . . . don't let me hurt my little girl. It's too late . . . oh, God. It's too late. Starr's gonna find out what her father is. Some day she's gonna find out about everything I did and everything I am, if I don't end up killing her first. How can she love me? How can anyone love me? THEY CAN'T! I can't be loved. You leave! I'll make you leave. You leave, you fucking bitch! You leave! You leave before I hurt you. You leave like everyone else or you kill me. You can do it. You have drugs here. You can do it. You fucking kill me. No one will blame you. They'll thank you. They'll throw you a fucking parade down Market Street. You kill me or you make them send me away. If they're not already hurt and dead they will be. I'll get it on them. I'll do things to them."

"They're all okay, Todd. They're waiting to see you. Do you want to see Viki, Sam or Téa?"

"No! Not unless they're here to say goodbye."

"Sorry, honey. They love you. They would never willingly allow themselves to be separated from you."

"I can't be loved." Todd said each word loudly and deliberately.

"No one agrees with that. You are very much loved."

Todd tried to raise his hands to his ears again. When he couldn’t, he shouted, "SHUT UP!"

"You are very much loved," Susannah repeated. "You are deserving of that love. Your family is not stupid or naive and neither is the staff and I. We know when someone deserves to be loved and cared about."

"I HATE YOU!" Todd screamed in Susannah's direction. He tugged on the restraints again. "You let me out of this and I'll show you how much I deserve it. I'll hurt you! Don't think I won't! I'll show you!"

Susannah understood that the safety of the restraints enabled Todd to make that threat. He knew he couldn't follow through with it. Susannah knew, with the same certainty that she knew her own name, that Todd would never deliberately hurt her.

"You are loved," Susannah repeated again, firmly.

"FUCK YOU!" Todd screamed.

"Why does it upset you so much to hear that you are loved?"

"Because it's a lie! You're a fucking, lying bitch!"

"Do all of us treat you like it's a lie?" Susannah pressed.

Todd began to sob. "It has to be. You'll all get hurt and killed if it's true."

"No. Loving you and being with you makes everyone feel good. Your family is always at their happiest when they're with you. The staff loves to spend time with you. I love to spend time with you."

"No! You shut up. Leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you!" Todd's teeth were clenched in anger.

"What does it mean if everyone loves you?"

"It means they’re as good as dead!"

"What does it mean Todd? I think you know. What does it mean if you are loveable and worth sticking around for?"

"AAARRRGGGHHHH!" Todd screamed in frustration. He tugged as hard as he could against the restraints. They wouldn't give an inch. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"What does it mean Todd? Tell me what it means and I'll leave you alone."

Todd's breathing was becoming erratic. Dan and Mark exchanged looks with Susannah. She knew they were wondering if she was pushing Todd too hard.

"That maybe they were wrong," Todd whispered. "Maybe my dad and mom were wrong."

"How were they wrong?" Susannah asked gently.

"My dad was wrong to treat me the way he did and my mom was wrong to let him and then to leave me and send me away."

"How does it make you feel to think that maybe they were wrong?"

"Scared," Todd said softly.

"Scared of what?"

"That I'll be so angry . . . angrier than I've ever been. Angrier than anyone in the world's ever been. Something terrible will happen. I'll wanna hurt them and everyone . . . everyone . . . even Shorty." Todd began to sob. "Please, I don't want to. Please. No more. Please. Just tell them to send me away. It'll make it better for everyone. Please."

"Okay, honey. You did such a good job today. Shhhh. Okay. No more therapy today. You rest."

"Please untie me. I'll be good."

"No hurting yourself or pulling or touching any tubes or IVs?"

"No," Todd whimpered. "I promise. I'm not a liar."

"I know you're not," Susannah said tenderly.

Susannah motioned Mark over. The two of them had the restraints off in seconds.

Todd moved his arms and legs slightly. It was as if he wasn't sure the restraints were really off. He curled up on his side. He was shivering. Dan brought another blanket over. He covered Todd with it.

Susannah pulled her chair away from the bed. "You rest, honey. I'll be here if you want to talk. Sam, Viki and Téa are here if you want to see them."

As Susannah was starting to walk away from Todd's bed, he asked. "I wanna see Nora. Did she say she'd come to see me?"

Susannah knew Todd's desire to see Nora had to do with much more than having her get him transferred to another hospital or to jail. It was true. Todd wanted that. However, most likely unbeknownst to Todd's conscious mind, he wanted a confrontation with one of his victims. He wanted the redemption and forgiveness he thought wasn't there for Todd Manning.

"Nora said she'd think about it," Susannah leveled with him.

Todd pulled his knees up closer to his chest. At the same time he pulled the blanket tightly around him. "She still hates me."

"She's confused about how she feels about you. She's trying to figure that out."

"Do you hate me because I hurt your sister?" Todd asked. His face was almost buried in the pillow. It slightly muffled his voice.

Susannah wanted to gather Todd in a hug, or at the very least stroke his head. She didn't. She knew her touch would set him off. "No. I don't hate you. Not at all."

"How come?" Todd asked, still without looking at Susannah.

"Because I know that everyone has reasons for what they do."

"Even if that reason is that you're born bad?"

"Nope. That can't ever be one of the reasons, because no one is born bad."

" Is that shrink talk to make crazy people feel better?"

Susannah, Dan and Mark smiled.

"No, honey. That's shrink talk for a fact that I know to be true," Susannah said tenderly.

"I hope you're not gonna feel like an idiot when you find out you're wrong," Todd quipped.

"And I hope you feel very good when you realize I'm right," Susannah replied gently.

"You always got an answer for everything."

Todd tried to feign annoyance in his voice when he said that, but those in the room could hear the respect and fondness he had for Susannah. They also heard exhaustion in his voice. Todd's eyelids were getting heavy. He held his pillow as a child would a stuffed animal. The need to sleep was overpowering him.

"I guess you gotta go do some kind of important doctor stuff now." Todd's voice was little more than a whisper. His speech was becoming slurred again as he relaxed and gave into the medication and his exhaustion.

"There's lots of things I gotta do, but I think I'm going to be nice to myself and do something I want to do instead," Susannah answered as she pulled her chair close to the side of Todd's bed again. "I want to sit here with you for a while. Quietly . . . no questions . . . no therapy . . . I just want to spend some more time with you."

Todd lifted his eyes until they met Susannah's. He saw the love and caring in her eyes. Todd's eyes welled up with tears. "Can you put gloves on?" he whispered.

Susannah had forgotten to keep some gloves in her pocket. She motioned to Dan. He pulled a couple from the dispenser on the wall and handed them to her.

Todd watched as Susannah put them on. His hand trembled as he slowly reached out. Susannah took Todd's hand in her right hand and gently stroked his head with her left. No further words were exchanged between them. Despite his attempt to stay awake for fear of dreaming, Todd fell into a deep sleep in less than two minutes.

****************

Susannah stayed with Todd for a while longer. When she left to find Todd's family and let them know what had occurred, Frank came in to sit with Todd. Dan and Mark went on their lunch break. When they made sure they could move Todd into a good position for his feeding, without waking him up, Janet came in and administered it, along with some of Todd's medication.

Susannah was surprised to hear that Sam had left the hospital. Viki told her Sam said he wanted to go for a walk. He'd firmly said, "No" when Viki asked if he wanted her to go with him. Susannah filled Viki and Téa in on what she learned about Todd's nightmare and on the session she had with him.

"Oh, God! I thought he was over wanting to run away from us. I thought he was over his fear of harming us. This is all my fault," Téa declared.

"Honey, I thought we settled that," Viki said. "You did not abandon Todd. You kept a doctor's appointment, an appointment that Todd desperately wanted you to keep."

"Téa," Susannah began. "Todd's issues run deep, especially with you, Téa, because sexual issues come into play. Todd has a tremendous amount of confusion over sex. There is very little likelihood that any of these issues will disappear just like that. There will always be times when Todd seems to be over one or another of his issues and then something will act as a trigger and it will seem he's back at step one. That's the way mental illness is. The thing is Todd does not go back to step one. Yes, he regresses, but each time when he comes back, he's a little step ahead of where he was the last time. I think you've both seen that. It took almost thirty years for this much damage to be done to Todd. Despite that, Todd has made excellent progress. He's actually progressed faster than I believed he would. Today alone he made some amazing disclosures and progress. I know setbacks are disappointing, frightening and painful. Todd's abuse was very severe. Todd is still very ill. He has a long road ahead of him. Even with that, I believe with all my heart that Todd will get his life back and each of you will get back your life with Todd."

"How long will Todd be in pain from his injuries?" Téa asked.

"Probably just another few days. I've changed the order to round-the-clock pain medication for the next twenty-four hours. I'll change the order back to prn after that. I've also ordered light sedation round the clock for the next forty-eight hours. I want to avoid having to put Todd in a physical restraint or another mechanical one."

"Will he be able to talk to us and walk around, or will he be too out of it?" Viki asked. She hated to see Todd drugged up to the point where he was zombie like.

"He should have no problems understanding what's said to him or expressing himself, nor should he have any problems getting around. You shouldn’t notice much of a change. He may seem a little slower and he may need an extra nap or two. It's a very mild sedation, just enough to take the edge off."

"Can we see him?" Téa asked.

"Just for a minute. I don't want to chance him getting agitated. If he asks for you when he wakes up, then you can go in. If he should awake, don't touch him unless he initiates it. It would be a good idea to have some gloves handy. Todd might accept and even crave physical contact if he doesn't have to be afraid of harming you by touching you. Oh, I also need to let you know that he's still asking for Nora. I told him that Nora wasn't sure how she felt and she was thinking it over. I don't want to give him false expectations."

Viki nodded. "I understand that this is a difficult decision for Nora."

"Does she know why Todd wants to see her?" Téa asked.

"Yes. She also knows that Todd's need to see her goes deeper than getting her to help him get out of here."

"Please let Nora know that I will understand whatever her decision is," Viki requested.

"I will," Susannah assured her.

**************

Viki and Téa went in together. Dan and Mark had gone to lunch. Frank was sitting right by Todd's bed.

Todd was sleeping soundly. The color of his skin was almost back to its normal paleness. This made the deep scratches stand out even more.

"How is he doing?" Viki asked.

"He's much better. He's seems to be comfortable now. Susannah left orders to take out the IV as soon as this bag finishes. That should make it easier on him when he wakes up. We'll be keeping Todd at arm's length for the next day or so at least."

Téa glanced in Todd's direction. "He's not going to like that," she whispered sadly.

"I know," Frank admitted. "Todd hates it when we hover. I imagine now that he can see he'll hate it even more. It's for his own safety."

Viki patted Frank's arm. "We know. I think you know that in his own way Todd appreciates that all of you are there for him."

Now Frank glanced in Todd's direction and smiled. "Yeah. I know. We all do."

Téa and Viki looked Todd's way one more time. Both women ached to hold Todd and take away his pain. They exchanged looks of sorrow. Viki told Frank that she and Téa would be in the cafeteria having some coffee if they were needed.

***************

"Yes," Susannah said into the phone when her secretary buzzed her. She took a deep breath. "Please send them in."

"I hope you don't mind me tagging along," Bo said as he and Nora sat down in Susannah's office.

"I asked Bo to come with me. If that's a problem, then let me know right now," Nora said before Susannah had a chance to respond.

"Yes and no. Does this mean you're willing to meet with Todd?"

Nora didn't like the sound of this. "I'm not sure. What do you mean by yes and no?"

"Todd has some very big issues with Bo as well as with you. I think Bo's presence along with yours would overwhelm Todd right now. If it's all right with both of you, Bo can wait for you nearby, as long as Todd doesn't see him. If having Bo nearby, but not right next to you, when you meet with Todd will help you feel safer, it's not a problem at all."

Nora hated feeling like a weak little girl that needed protection. She hated that Todd brought out that side of her. Part of the reason she was close to agreeing to this was that she wanted to finally be able to let go of the fear and anger that would overpower her at times, ever since the day at the beach house. The day Todd almost raped and killed her.

"Bo being nearby is enough. So, yes, for reasons I still don't understand completely, yes. I'll meet with Todd. I'm sorry I didn't call first. I was afraid I'd lose my nerve if I didn't get over here the second I made up my mind."

Susannah looked into her sister's eyes. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. You and Todd's family may end up hating me if I make him worse."

Susannah smiled.

"That wasn't meant to be a joke," Nora proclaimed.

"I know. Todd was worried about you still hating him. You both share similar concerns."

"What did you tell him?" Bo asked.

"The truth. Nora is not sure how she feels about him."

Nora wiped the palms of her hands on her pants. "I'm liking this less and less the more I'm here."

Bo turned toward Nora. "Red. Are you changing your mind?"

"I don't know! I know you and half this town had this amazing epiphany where Todd is concerned. I'm sorry if it disappoints you, but I don't know if I can go through with this."

"I'll be right here. I'll be just a few steps away," Bo reminded her.

Susannah held her hand up. "I appreciate your being here, Bo, and your desire for Nora to help Todd, but she has to want to do this. It won't help Todd or Nora if she does it to please you or me."

Bo took Nora's hand. "Susannah's right. You know I'm on your side no matter what your decision. If you don't want to do this, I understand. I kinda get the feelin' Todd will, too."

"Before either of you get any more worked up, there is a problem," Susannah began. "Todd has had a very difficult day already. I hate to make this harder on both of you, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow or some other time."

"Difficult?" Nora asked. She looked at Susannah anxiously.

"Todd had a nightmare. It propelled him into a dissociative state. He was also hallucinating. He hurt himself and had to be sedated and restrained. He's very fragile right now. He's dissociating easily. More memories and feelings are coming to the surface than he can handle. He had a good day yesterday, so Viki, Sam and Téa are very upset that Todd's had this setback."

"How badly did he hurt himself?" Bo asked.

"He has a mild burn from standing under the hot shower. It's not serious. He scratched himself and dug his nails into his skin quite deeply. Those wounds are more serious. He had to be put on pain medication and antibiotics."

"A nightmare caused him to do this to himself. Man!" Bo was obviously shaken.

"Did he hurt anyone else?" Nora asked.

"No." There was a touch of annoyance in Susannah's voice. "It was his fear of hurting others that was one of the triggers that caused him to hurt himself."

Nora's eyes met Susannah's. She shook her head in disbelief and looked away. Todd hurting himself to keep from hurting others? Nora knew this did not fit the image of Todd that was stuck in her mind, no matter how hard she tried to believe that he was not the monster she feared.

"Is he still in restraints?" Bo asked.

"No. He is sleeping. He should be . . ."

Susannah, Bo and Nora all looked up when Sam came bursting into Susannah's office with Susannah's secretary just behind him.

Sam was surprised to see both Nora and Bo there. He stood silently for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Susannah. I told him you were with someone and he needed to wait," Judy apologized.

"That's all right," Susannah said calmly.

Bo and Nora exchanged quick glances. Both noticed how much worse Sam looked than the last time they saw him. He looked like he'd aged ten years. Worry creases had deepened across his forehead and on either side of his mouth. His clothes and hair were slightly rumpled. There was a sadness in his eyes that broke their hearts.

"Hey, Sam," Bo stood up and held his hand out.

Blair's suspicions that the Buchanans were out to get Todd, and using Susannah to do it, immediately popped into Sam's mind.

Sam pushed past Bo without the slightest acknowledgment. He rushed toward Susannah's desk. "What the Hell is going on in here? Does this have anything to do with Todd?"

"Nora came here to see Todd, at his request," Susannah answered calmly.

"You're not really going to allow that!"

"Sam. You need to sit down so we can discuss this. Todd is sleeping. No one is going in to see him right now," Susannah assured him.

Sam turned to face Nora. "Hasn't enough damage been done to him? Are you going to make him pay for what he did to you for the rest of his life!"

"He's never paid for what he did to me!" Nora proclaimed bitterly. Sam had just pushed the wrong button.

Sam grabbed Nora by the upper arms. "So, you see this as your chance to make him pay?"

Bo quickly pulled Sam away from Nora. "Sam! Take it easy. Nora's here because Todd wants to see her. She went through Hell trying to decide whether to do this or not."

Sam looked into Bo's eyes. "What about you! Did Todd ask to see you, too! What about Asa? Is he here somewhere? Did Kevin give you the 'all-clear' because he found out I wasn't around?"

"What the Hell are you talking about?" Nora asked as she rubbed the spot on her arms that Sam's fingers had dug into.

"Sam. Come on," Bo kept his voice calm. "Let's do like Susannah said. Let's sit down and talk about this. If you have a problem with Nora visiting Todd then . . ."

"You're damn right I have a problem with that!" Sam cut Bo off.

"I don't need this," Nora declared angrily. She headed for the door and then motioned to Bo. "Let's go!"

"Red, wait!" Bo moved close to Nora. "Don't take Sam's attitude out on Todd."

Before anyone had a chance to say anything else, Susannah's secretary buzzed her again.

"Send her in," Susannah said into the phone. "Viki's here," Susannah announced.

Viki instinctively knew there would be trouble when Susannah's secretary told her that Sam burst into Susannah's office. Viki could see Sam was distraught the moment she walked in. She headed directly for him. With her hand gently resting on Sam's arm, Viki asked, "Honey, what's going on?"

"Did you know they were coming here today?" Sam asked.

"No. I did know Susannah talked to Nora about coming to visit Todd. Honey, you knew that, too. Remember? You were there when we all discussed it."

"You're okay with this?" Sam asked accusingly.

"Todd and Nora need to work out what happened between them," Viki answered softly.

"Todd wants her to act as his attorney and help him leave Llanview," Sam pointed out.

"Oh for God's sake, Sam! Do you really believe that's what I'm here for?" Nora spat out.

"Nora would never do that, Sam," Bo stated firmly.

"Honey, Todd needs to hear Nora tell him she won't do that or he'll believe she wants to help him leave and we kept her from it. He also needs to know that Nora . . . that . . ."

"That she forgives him?" Sam's tone was sarcastic. Sam turned to Nora again. "Do you, Nora? Is that what you came here to tell Todd, that you forgive him . . . no hard feelings . . . let by-gones be by-gones . . . you're now his best friend?"

"No! I'm not here to say that, because I don't forgive him. I may never forgive him."

"Red," Bo placed his hand on Nora's shoulder.

"Don't stop her, Bo. At least she's being honest. You don't really forgive Todd either. Why don't you just admit it," Sam accused.

Nora took a deep breath. "Sam! Stop this! My God! What's happened to you?"

Sam looked around the room, at everyone looking at him. He saw the worry, fear and sadness etched in Viki's face. Tears welled up in his eyes. He took a deep breath through his nose. His body shuddered as he let it out through his mouth.

"Nothing's happened to me," Sam said in the calmest tone he'd used since he barged into Susannah's office. "I'm fine." Sam took Viki's hands in his and looked into her eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry. I didn't protect Todd when he needed me to. I won't fail again this time. I promise you."

"Protect him from what?"

Sam didn't respond to Viki's question. Instead he turned to Susannah. "Can we be in the room with Todd when he speaks to Nora?"

"If it's all right with Todd and Nora," Susannah replied.

They could hear Nora's anxiety in her laugh. "It's all right with me. The more people in the room with us the better."

"You're definitely not planning on allowing them to see him today?" Sam asked.

"I've explained to Nora and Bo that Todd has had a very difficult day. She's agreed to do this tomorrow or another day," Susannah answered.

"Then I'm going out for a while. I'll leave my phone on. If Todd asks for me tell him I'll be right there," Sam announced. Before anyone had a chance to say another word to him he left Susannah's office.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Nora and Bo exchanged quick glances with Viki, each giving her a small smile of understanding.

Viki approached them. She had too much respect for Sam to apologize for him. "Thank you both very much for agreeing to see Todd. Nora, I know this wasn't an easy decision and I will always be very grateful to you." Viki faced Susannah. "Téa went in to see Todd again. Kevin should be here soon. Will you please tell them both I went to the family lounge to lie down for a while?"

Susannah rubbed Viki's arm reassuringly and nodded in agreement.

A few seconds after Viki left, Nora couldn't contain her worry. "Someone has to get some help for Sam. This is destroying him."

**************

Téa had once again been sitting quietly by Todd's bed. She kept watch, determined to chase away his demons should they haunt his sleep again. Frank sat on the other side of the bed. He had explained to Téa that if he asked her to leave, at some point, she needed to trust his judgment and go without question. Téa and Frank exchanged looks when they heard Todd stir. They both stood.

Todd's eyes slowly opened. Téa's face came into focus. Todd smiled sleepily. "Delgado," he said softly.

Téa smiled back. Todd's reaction flooded her with relief. "I'm here, mi amore."

As he became fully awake, Todd's smile was replaced by a look of fear and panic. Todd sat up quickly. He moaned as dizziness overpowered him.

"Todd, you got up too quickly. Hold your head down," Frank instructed.

Todd's head cleared in a few moments. He raised his eyes slowly and stared at Téa. "Turn around," he ordered.

"Turn around?" Téa didn't understand.

"I wanna see if you're okay all over."

Téa understood. She knew this must have something to do with Todd's dream. She turned around slowly.

"Am I dreaming you're okay or are you really okay?" Todd asked Téa.

"You're awake and I'm really okay. I promise."

"No! Don't promise! You promised I couldn't hurt you and I did."

"You didn't. That was a nightmare, Todd. It was just a bad dream. You didn't hurt me."

"Why won't you believe me? Why won't any of you believe me! You may not be hurt now, but you will be. I hurt everyone. You know that. I hurt everyone in my life. You try to list everyone I've hurt and there won't be enough paper in this whole hospital to get everyone written down."

"I believe you won't hurt me because you love me," Téa stated simply. "I know you don't believe that right now. Do you think you can trust my word on it until you do?"

Todd looked upward and laughed. "Love . . . trust. What is it with you people and love and trust? You think love and trust makes everything that's rotten and evil and bad and dangerous go away? You think love and trust can fix everything? You think love and trust can protect you? It can't! You're gonna have to trust my word on that, Delgado." Todd spat out the word trust as if it were vile. "My loving and trusting someone has never kept them safe. It's never kept me from hurting them. It's never kept them from getting hurt. All it's ever done is curse them and all loving and trusting has ever gotten me is kicked in the teeth."

"Do you think I'm going to end up kicking you in the teeth?" Téa asked softly.

"Yes!"

"In what way?"

"Oh, what is this . . . twenty fucking questions?"

"Maybe. Let's start with the first one. In what way do you think loving and trusting me will get you kicked in the teeth?"

Todd looked Téa in the eyes and then quickly looked away. "You'll end up hating me. Everyone I've ever loved and trusted ended up hating me and leaving me."

"You want me to leave you anyway, so what's the problem?"

Todd glared at her. "Smart-ass lawyer," he muttered under his breath.

Téa and Frank both tried hard to keep themselves from smiling. They knew Todd was not in the mood for that.

"You still haven't answered question, two," Téa pointed out. "If you want me to leave you anyway, what have you got to lose by loving me and trusting me?"

"You're the one who's got something to lose, your life!"

"You're always saying you should have the right to do what you want with your own life. Don't you think I should have the same right?"

"Yes . . . no . . . you're confusing me!"

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to do that. But you're confusing me, too. I'm assuming from what you say that you want me to be happy and healthy. Being with you makes me happy. Being without you makes me sad and miserable. It makes me cry myself to sleep at night and leaves me feeling alone and abandoned. You know what that feels like Todd. We both know what's it's like to be abandoned by someone. Why would you want that for me if you love me?"

"It's not the same thing! I don't want you to go away because I stopped loving you. I wanna save you. I don't want you getting hurt and I know I'll hurt you! I know it, Delgado."

Téa knelt down to be at eye level with Todd. "Do you know what Starr once pointed out to me? She said maybe my mother left because she was afraid she'd become so angry that she'd hurt me. I believe Starr is right and that is why my mother left or at least one of the reasons why she left. Realizing that helps me understand, but it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't take away that empty place in my heart. Do you think I'd be any less hurt if you abandon me because you don't want to hurt me?"

**************

Nora and Bo had stayed in Susannah's office for a while. At first they continued to express their shock and concern over Sam's reaction to them and to Sam's general state. Then they took some time to calm down. Bo and Nora were more than happy when Susannah took the conversation in a different direction. She told them how Bill's new house was coming and told them about the e-mail and phone calls she got from Bill's children. Bo told Susannah to tell Bill he'd be more than happy to be an extra pair of hands if he needed them. Nora also mentioned that Rachel had come home humming happily to herself after her date with Kevin. Before they left her office, Susannah checked to make sure Todd was still in his room so he wouldn't see them.

"I'm sorry Todd had such a bad day, but I can't say I'm not relieved that I don't have to have my little visit with him today," Nora confessed to Susannah and Bo.

"After the way Sam acted, I'm not sure if Nora visiting Todd is such a good idea," Bo admitted. "If something should go wrong, and I pray it doesn't, Sam will place all the blame on Nora."

Susannah sighed. "I can't promise you that won't happen."

Nora looked at Bo and then Susannah. "No! I said I'd do it and I will. I don't want Todd believing his family is lying to him. He needs to hear me tell him that I won't be the one to help him get out of here so he can live a life alone or no life at all. I'm just very happy it doesn't have to be today. I don't think I could handle seeing Todd today, after what happened here with Sam. I'm afraid that whatever I'd say would just make things worse for him."

Susannah put her arm around Nora's shoulder. "I agree. I think Sam hit on some sensitive issues and you need a chance to cool down. If you think you're up to it tomorrow let me know, and if Todd is up to it as well, I'll try to prepare him for your visit."

"Do you think it would upset Todd, if you told him I hope he feels better?" Bo asked.

"I don't know," Susannah answered truthfully. "He may not believe it."

Sadness filled Bo's eyes. "I know he didn't ask to see me, but I hope someday I can get him to believe it. I hope someday I can face him and let him know that I was wrong about a lot of things."

Susannah looked into her brother-in-law's eyes. "I think that could go a long way in helping Todd. I hope you get to tell him that someday, too."

Susannah left her office with Bo and Nora, to walk them out.

As they approached the nurses' station, Nora remembered she wanted to ask Susannah if she and Bill wanted to attend a fair the police department was throwing the following weekend. She turned around to face her sister.

*****************

Todd stared into Téa's eyes as he thought about her last statement. "You'll get over me, Delgado. You're better off with hurt feelings than having . . ." Todd stopped talking as he fought to hold back the tears that began to fill his eyes at the memory of his dream and what his love and touch did to his beautiful Téa. "Having . . . I won't! I won't do it to you. All your belief in love and trust, and in me, won't save you, Delgado. You leave. You leave here and you go find someone who deserves all that love and trust. You find someone who can give you what you want. I never could and I never will. You face it. You face it now and walk away while you still can."

"Todd, lis . . ."

"NO!" Todd shouted, cutting Téa off. He was terrified that her words, mixed with his love for her and desire to have her near him would keep him from doing what had to be done. Suddenly Todd thought of someone he was sure would help save Téa from him. Perhaps not the rest of them, but he was sure that at least Téa would be saved. "NO MORE LISTENING!" Todd charged out of his room. He wanted to use the phone. Frank and Téa rushed after him.

****************

"Case of nerves or not, I'll call you tomorrow before I come here," Nora promised. She and Bo turned to head for the doors. Nora gasped in shock when she walked straight, face-to-face, into Todd.

TO BE CONTINUED

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