PREVIOUSLY

"Todd?" Téa looked into his eyes. She saw he was looking back into hers.

****************************************************************************************************************

Sam, Viki and Téa waited in the lounge area near Susannah's office. All of them sat silently. They were tense. They were each lost in thought.

Viki was worried about Kevin as well as Todd. She knew if he made things worse for Todd he'd never forgive himself.

Sam was frightened for Todd. Sam feared something else, too. He felt as if Todd were shutting him out of his life. First Todd did not want Sam to touch him. Now Todd didn't want Sam to be his attorney. Sam knew he didn't deserve Todd's trust or love. That didn't take away the pain of rejection that Sam was feeling. He blamed himself. He believed Todd should hate him. He hated himself. More and more, Sam placed the blame that belonged to Peter and Barbara Manning squarely on his own shoulders. The irrationality of it escaped Sam. He wanted to feel the pain of guilt. He believed every bit of that pain.

Téa too was afraid for Todd. She prayed Kevin would not lose it with him. Téa could still feel Todd's hands on her face and his full, warm lips on hers. She knew Todd was partially in his own reality, trapped between the world they both shared and the sleeping and waking nightmare world that Todd was sometimes trapped alone in. She understood that Todd would have feared hurting her with his touch if he had completely been in reality. She also understood that Todd's defenses had been down and he was not able to keep himself from doing what he really wanted to. A small sad smile formed on Téa's lips. She knew what he wanted to do at that moment was to kiss her. He wanted that closeness. He wanted to feel her skin next to his . . . her lips next to his . . . her love next to his. Todd had said he loved her. He told her how he had tried not to and still he loved her. Téa realized that Todd probably wouldn't remember saying those things. It didn't matter. Téa would remember it for both of them until Todd as able to say it when he was in control.

*****************

Tom's hands felt warm as Kevin and Frank each held one. They were surprised when Tom suddenly stopped walking with them.

"What's the matter, buddy?" Frank asked.

"I don't have a present for Téa. I wanna bring her a present."

"You being here and spending time with her will be present enough for Téa," Kevin stated.

"No," Tom protested. "Mama says presents make a girl feel special. Mama liked when Grandpa Tom would bring her presents. I want Téa to feel special."

From where she stood at the nurses' station, Eileen had been able to hear Tom. "Come'ere hon, see if you think Téa would like some of these."

Eileen showed Tom some of the little stuffed animals the nurses wore around their stethoscopes.

"You can have some of these magneatoes," Eileen offered.

Tom's eyes grew wide as he looked through the assortment of cute little ducks, bunnies, lambs, monkeys, kittens and other assorted animals. Tom always liked them and would gently touch their soft bodies when he was being examined.

"I can really have some of these for Téa?"

"You sure can. You can have as many as you want. Pick out the ones you think Téa will like."

"Timmy told me that Téa once told him she had a lot of stuffed animals that live with her grandmother."

"Then she'll love these," Kevin commented.

Frank, Kevin and Eileen exchanged smiles as Tom carefully picked out a kitten, baby chick, raccoon, and a bunny for Téa. Tom held his selection out to them. They noticed that Tom stared at the kitten and raccoon magneatoes for a few moments longer than he did the others.

Eileen gave Tom a small box to put his present in.

"Do you think she'll like these four?"

"She'll love them," Frank remarked.

"Especially because they came from you," Kevin told Tom.

"Tom," Terry called out. "I think you probably want this." Terry held up Tom's watch. Knowing how upset Tom became without it, Terry had gone to his room for it.

"Thanks, Terry. I need my watch real bad to keep time from getting all mixed up and to keep my dad from coming here." Tom held out his arm so Terry could strap the watch on.

They knew Tom had a hard time remembering if his dad was dead or not. Peter's presence was always felt by Tom, as it was by most of the alters. Peter's death had done little to change that.

"Terry, look." Tom opened the box. "Eileen said I could have these to give to Téa for a present."

"Wow! Those are great choices. Téa's going to be thrilled with these. Those are some of my favorites, too."

With a huge smile on his face and his present for Téa clutched to his chest, Tom continued to the lounge with Frank and Kevin.

******************

"I don't hear anything. If Todd were screaming or if there were some kind of crisis that required a lot of staff or a code, we would have heard something," Téa mentioned anxiously.

"Yes," Viki agreed. "I think we would have. It was Todd's idea to talk to Kevin. He wanted to see him." Viki sounded like she was trying to convince herself as well as Téa and Sam that it was going to be all right.

A few seconds after those words were out of Viki's mouth, they all breathed a sigh of relief when they saw Tom, Kevin and Frank walking toward them. They realized right away that it was Tom. They noticed that he was bouncing with anticipation as he walked.

Tom ran over to where the three of them sat. He headed for Téa first. "Téa! Téa! I have a present for you?" Tom jumped up and down with excitement.

"You do!"

Viki and Sam were both smiling. Although they knew something drove Todd inside, they were happy to see Tom and even happier to see his joyous attitude.

"Don't we get a hello?" Viki called out.

Tom rushed over to them. He kissed them each on the cheek. He then plopped down on his knees and leaned back on his heels. Tom proudly held up the box with his gift in it. "I got a present for Téa."

"We see," Viki brushed Tom's hair behind his ears. She stroked his cheek.

"Coach. Kevin said you'd wanna play baseball with me and him."

"You bet I do, Boomer."

Viki saw life come back into Sam's sad and weary blue eyes.

"I'm gonna become the best baseball player and then you'll be real proud of me, Coach. You'll wanna be my dad, too."

Sam knelt down next to Tom. He took Tom in his arms and hugged him tightly. "I'm already really proud of you. I love you so much, Boomer. I want to be your dad more than anything. I'm the luckiest dad in the world to have a son like you."

"Kevin and Frank were happy I came out and they said you and Viki and Téa would be happy to see me. Kevin's my real good friend now and he tells me secrets and Téa don't want Kevin to be her boyfriend and I'm gonna learn to play baseball real good and Eileen let me have some of her toys to bring Téa for a present and you wanna be my dad more than anything and I'm gonna get to have fun with Téa cause Kevin says Téa loves me and I'm gonna marry Téa when I grow up and we're gonna have so much fun and I'm gonna be a good baseball player and maybe my dad won't hate me anymore and Viki's happy I'm here too, Kevin said so, and . . ."

Tom rattled on excitedly for another few minutes. Viki, Kevin, Téa and Sam were thrilled to see Tom in such a good mood and so excited about being out. Susannah and the staff were a little concerned. Tom seemed too hyper to them.

Tom hardly took the time for a breath before he jumped up and ran back to Téa. He handed her the box. "Open it, Téa, open it."

Téa took the box. "I hope it's not a piano because my room is too small for one," she kidded.

"Uh-uh. It's not a piano. Honest."

Téa could tell from the look on Tom's face that he took her seriously. She stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "I know, mijo." Téa took the lid off the box. Her eyes lit up.

"Timmy told me that your stuffed animals live with your grandma. These are real little so you can carry them around with you like the nurses do." Tom informed Téa, excitedly.

Téa took each of the little magneatoes out and looked at it. Téa kissed Tom's cheek. "I love them, mijo. Thank you! I'm going keep them with me always."

"I play with Timmy's stuffed animals sometimes, but now Randy came back and when I'm inside I get to play with him and hold him. Miss Perkins lets him sleep with me and he don't have to stay where it's cold and nasty and scary. I take real good care of him and I'll never let anyone ever hurt him. Ever, ever, ever!"

Téa, Kevin, Viki and Sam all fought to hold back their tears.

Téa pulled Tom into a hug. "Mijo, I love you with all my heart and I'm sure Randy does, too."

"Téa?"

"Yes, mijo."

"Do you still like to draw with me?"

"Oh yes! Very much."

Tom ran to Susannah. "Can me and Téa go to the art room? That's Téa's favorite. We didn't get to finish our picture last time. That's what me and Téa are gonna do most when we get married. We're gonna draw pictures together all the time and we'll always get to finish them."

"Honey, let me see if the art room is available," Susannah headed for the phone in her office.

Tom ran back to Sam and Viki. "I'm gonna draw a picture of you and me and Viki, Coach, cause you're my dad now and I don't have a picture of us with you being my dad."

Tom ran over to Kevin. "You can come and draw with me and Téa if you want. It's okay for you to play with us now cause Téa don't want you to be her boyfriend and cause we're real good friends. You wanna draw with us?"

"Wow! I sure do. You're such a good artist. I'm hoping you can teach me a few things."

"You really want me to teach you how do something?" Tom emphasized the words 'me' and 'you'. He couldn't believe Kevin asked that. Tom hung his head. "I'm not smart or good at anything."

Kevin winced at Tom's perception. His heart broke at the thought of a child being taught to think so little of himself. Kevin thought about the way Clint would praise his slightest achievements and teach him that he could do anything he put his mind to. Kevin remembered a picture he drew in third grade. It was a picture of Clint on a horse. It was not much more than stick figures, and lopsided ones at that. Clint acted as if Kevin was Rembrandt. Clint not only praised Kevin to the hilt, he took the picture to his office at the Banner and hung it up. Clint proudly boasted to anyone who saw it that, "My boy drew that." Kevin remembered this because Clint left it hanging there until he left the Banner, long after Kevin reached adulthood, and then Clint took it with him to Arizona.

Kevin put his arm around Tom's shoulder. "I would really like you to help me out, if you don't mind working with me. I can't draw anywhere near as well as you can."

Tom was beaming. It was very apparent that Kevin's opinion meant a lot to him. "You don't have to be afraid. I'm a good teacher. I won't yell at you or call you names or break your crayons or make you hold your hand still so I can hurt your fingers. I won't rip up what you draw and call you a sissy or a pansy or a fag. I teached Timmy how to draw good. I never hurt him or yelled at him. You can ask him."

Kevin was not the only one who reacted to what Tom just said. Tears formed in everyone's eyes. Frank thought about the many drawings his boys showed him. He always praised them and made them feel talented and special. Frank's hands curled into fists as he thought about what Peter Manning did to his son.

Kevin squeezed Tom in a gentle hug. "Timmy always talks about what a good teacher you are and how smart you are and how much he loves you. He couldn't ask for a better big brother."

The tremendous smile on Tom's face gave Kevin enormous pleasure.

"We can do all kinds of stuff together, Kevin." Tom bounced up and down with enthusiasm. "We have to go to the art room first cause that's Téa's favorite and you wanna learn how to draw good. Then after, we can play baseball with Coach. Viki and Téa and Doctor Hanen and Frank and Eileen and Terry and Jeff and Angelo and Nancy and everyone else can be the people in stands and they can eat pretend hot dogs and wear pretend baseball caps. Lewis, a boy in my school, told the whole class about his dad taking him to see a Cubs game. He got to do all that stuff with his dad," Tom announced wistfully.

Tom was still acting much more hyper than usual. The staff was keeping a very close eye on him. They knew his mood would sometimes elevate to a high before he made a disclosure and then he would come crashing down.

Susannah came out of her office. She headed over to Tom. "Honey, I'm sorry. Laura is having a session with someone right now. The art room won't be available for a couple of hours."

Tom looked crestfallen. "Noooo! I gotta take Téa to the art room. It's her favorite! I gotta teach Kevin how to draw good. He won't think I'm a good artist and a good teacher if I don't show him how," Tom wailed.

"It's all right, mijo. I love to do anything as long as I get to do it with you," Téa comforted him.

"You'll always be a good artist and teacher, whether you are able to teach me right now or not. Hey, this means we can start playing baseball sooner," Kevin added.

"No, Téa." Tom began to cry. "You love to draw with me. It's your favorite thing. It was gonna be like we were married and did our favorite thing together. Kevin, you were gonna think I was good and smart. It was gonna be perfect! Now it's all ruined." Tom walked to a corner of the hallway and sat down cross-legged, facing the wall.

Susannah knelt down next to Tom. She rubbed his back. "Honey, can you tell me why you're sitting in the corner?"

"Because I'm bad."

"No, you're a very good boy. Why do you think you're bad?" she asked gently.

"Cause everything always gets ruined. It wouldn't if I was a good boy. I'm bad and bad boys have to be punished."

"Nothing got ruined." Susannah tried to redirect his thinking. "You, Téa and Kevin can go to the art room later. There are plenty of other things the three of you can do first. Besides, it's time for you to have lunch. I'm sure Téa and Kevin would love to have lunch with you."

"I'm not hungry. Bad boys don't get to eat so they better learn not to be hungry."

"Who told you bad boys don't get to eat?" Susannah pressed.

"My dad. It's on the list. No food and only a little bit of water."

"Can you tell me about the list?" Susannah coaxed.

"It was the bad things list. If you do something bad, dad checks the list and sees how long you have to go without eating. It's only for little bad things like leaving a schoolbook on the table next to the front door or moving dad's stuff around in the refrigerator or walking into a room where dad is if he didn't call us because he hates to look at our ugly face. The list says how long we have to go without eating. For some things we only have to go one day," Tom explained.

"What's the longest time you had to go without eating?" Susannah pressed.

"I think one time it was for seven or eight days. It wasn't me the whole time. It was Todd for the first five days. Todd could go the longest. He could make himself think he wasn't hungry and that food made him feel sick and that he really didn't wanna eat. Then not eating felt like something he wanted to do anyway. It was hardest for Timmy. He'd cry for food and get punished badder. Sometimes I'd sneak Timmy some food and then I'd stay out when it was time for badder punishment. Timmy was too little to be punished more. It was my job to take it. I was good at taking it. I hated when I came out because I'd get real hungry and it made me wanna cry, but I knew I'd get punished badder if I cried. It wasn't so bad when Mama was there. She'd try to sneak us food when our dad wasn't there. Dad would smell our breath when he came home and if it smelled like Mama fed us something then he'd beat her and us. Mama used to tell us to brush our teeth right before dad came home. He made us stop. The new rule was no brushing teeth during punishment days. When Mama left us it was harder. Sometimes our dad would take off and keep us home from school to make sure we didn't cheat on our punishment. He said it was for our own good and it would teach us discipline and make a man out of us. He said a man has to learn self-control. He said his dad taught him and he would teach us. Maybe he really did think we were good enough to love if he worked so hard to help us?" Tom asked plaintively.

Susannah and some of the staff exchanged quick glances. They were amazed at how many pieces of the puzzle Tom's disclosure filled in, Todd's anorexia for one. As Susannah always believed, when Todd's life seemed completely out of control to him, he clung to the one thing he could control, his desire to eat. He could make himself believe that he felt no hunger and that food actually made him ill. Susannah knew that some of Todd's medication's could cause stomach upset, but she always felt that it was not this physical reaction as much as a psychological one that caused Todd's aversion to food.

This disclosure also helped explain Tom's continued need to be punished. It reinforced their theory that Peter made them think punishment equated love and caring. On top of this, it was always Tom's job to take a great deal of the physical and emotional torture Peter put them through. Ironically, it was the only area in which Tom felt adequate. It was also fairly conclusive that Peter had been a victim of severe abuse. Unlike his son, Peter was not able to break the cycle of abuse. That Todd could, given the severity of it, was a miracle.

"Honey," Susannah began tenderly. "You are all good enough to love, very much so. I'm sure your dad thought so too, but your dad was mixed up and he didn't know how to show that he thought you were good and smart and worth loving in a good and nice way. Your dad was mean and hurtful and abusive to all of you. It's not okay to make a little boy or girl go hungry or to hurt them in any way. It's mean to do that. Your dad didn't know how to show love in a way that was okay."

"But Grandpa Ed helped our dad become a man that way. That's because he loved him," Tom insisted.

Susannah tried to explain further. "No, hon, Grandpa Ed hurt your dad by treating him that way. Sometimes when little children are hurt like that they grow up thinking that's the right way to treat their own children. Sometimes little children that get hurt by their parents get very angry because they feel they have no control and no power to stop the hurting. Then when they grow up they hurt their own children because they're still so angry over what was done to them when they were little. It has a name. It's called the cycle of abuse."

They could see that Tom was thinking about what Susannah just told him. After giving him some time to process what she said, Susannah asked, "Do you ever feel angry because of the way your dad hurt you?"

"No! No! I don't get mad! Honest! I don't get mad. I'm a good boy." Tom started to cry again. "It's bad to get mad. I'm not mad at my dad. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy!" Tom pulled himself into a tight ball. Instinctively, he tucked his head in and protected it.

Susannah pulled Tom into a hug. "Honey, it's okay. You're a very good boy. No one is saying you're angry. It was just a question. No one is going to hurt you. Your dad's not here. Tom. Tom, it's Doctor Hanen. I want you to look at me."

Tom slowly raised his tearstained face and looked into Susannah's eyes.

"That's my boy. Tell me where you are?" Susannah gently assessed him.

Tom looked around. He seemed confused. "My hospital," he finally answered. His chin quivered as he spoke.

"That's right. Very good. What's my name?"

"Doctor Hanen," Tom answered. He snuggled into Susannah.

Susannah rubbed Tom's back again as she rocked him gently. "Honey, I'm not saying that you have to be angry, but even very good boys get angry when someone hurts them. It's okay to get angry. No one here will ever punish you for getting angry. You can get as angry as you want and no one will hurt you. No one will stop loving you. You'll still be a very, very good boy."

"I don't wanna get mad like my dad. I don't wanna hurt anyone," Tom whispered.

Susannah hugged Tom to her. "You don't have to. There are all kinds of different ways of getting angry. Did you know that? Hmmmm?"

He shook his head.

"The way your dad got angry was not okay. It wasn't a good way to get angry. There are good and safe ways. We can teach you how to get angry in ways that make sure no one gets hurt."

"Todd and Pete get real mad and sometimes they hurt everyone, but never Starr. They scare me when they get real mad. They never, ever hurt Starr. They didn't do the bicycle of abuse."

Susannah stroked Tom's cheek. "No they didn't. They were strong enough to control their anger and always protect Starr. Your dad wasn't that strong. He let the anger take over."

"Maybe my dad's brain was all mixed up, too?"

"Yes, I think it was. He never got help to un-mix it. You and Todd and Pete and everyone who live inside Todd are getting help, so you never have to worry about hurting anyone the way your dad did. Do you know what else is so special about you?"

Tom lifted his sad, green eyes until they met Susannah's brown ones. He shook his head again.

"You know how to love in a very good and nice way. Your dad never learned that."

"I do? I love good?"

"Yep. You sure do. You love Téa very much, right?"

"Uh-huh." Tom nodded.

"Stand up, honey," Susannah directed.

Tom stood.

"I want you to walk over to Téa and show her love. You do whatever your love for her makes you feel like doing."

Tom walked over to Téa. He hugged her tightly and rested his head on her shoulder.

Téa rubbed Tom's back. "Mijo, that was a wonderful way to show me love."

Susannah approached Téa and Tom. "Téa, how does Tom showing you his love that way make you feel?"

"It makes me feel very good . . . happy . . . it makes me happy and filled with joy."

"It does?" Tom lifted his head and asked Téa.

"It does, mijo. You are a very sweet and good boy. Having you love me is so special."

"Honey, feeling happy and filled with joy is how love is supposed to make someone feel. It's not supposed to hurt. It's not okay to hurt someone for any reason, not even because you love them."

"Téa, my dad didn't know how to love good. He hurt me." Tom said sadly.

"I know, mijo. I'm sorry. I wish his love could have been as sweet as yours."

Tom walked over to Kevin. "I love you, too. Can I show you nice love?"

Kevin smiled at Tom. "I could really use some of that nice love."

Tom hugged Kevin. "I'm real glad we're good friends and I can love you now."

"I'm really glad, too. Really glad." Kevin hugged Tom back.

Tom then showed Viki how he loved her, nicely.

"Oh, baby. That was such a good hug. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you." Viki stroked Tom's head and kissed his cheek.

"Frank, can I show you nice love, too?"

"You bet, buddy." Frank held his arms open.

Tom went from staff member to staff member, showing them all how much he loved them, in his sweet and gently way.

Finally, Tom approached Sam. Viki saw the pain in Sam's eyes as Tom had gone to everyone but him.

"Coach. I saved up a special extra big love for you cause you're my dad now and I love my dad as big as the whole sky."

Sam embraced Tom and held on tightly. "Boomer, that's the best hug I've ever had. You are such a good boy. Sam kissed Tom's forehead. You're my good boy. You're my very good boy. I don't know how you learned to love so nicely, but you did. You make me so proud. I want everyone to know how proud I am of my boy."

"I'm proud you're my dad, too. I was gonna draw a picture of us." Tom's voice turned sad again.

"You still can, buddy. The art room will be all yours later," Frank reminded Tom.

Téa walked over to where Tom and Sam stood. "Mijo, I'm too hungry to draw now anyway. If we have lunch first then I'll be able to concentrate better. It will be perfect if we can have lunch first. Is that okay?"

"Téa, I don't want you to be hungry. It hurts to be hungry and it's not okay to hurt anyone. It's only okay to love them nice."

Tom turned to Kevin. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm so hungry I can eat this chair right here. What'd you think, buddy? A little salt, pepper and Ketchup and I can put this chair on a bun like a Big Mac."

Tom giggled. "You're silly."

Sam walked over to Tom. "How about I go and get a pizza or anything else you'd all like."

"You and Viki can have lunch with me and Téa and Kevin if you want," Tom announced.

Sam wanted to, more than anything. However, he understood that the newly found bond between Kevin and Tom needed to be reinforced. He knew Tom would not want too many distractions when Téa was around. Sam realized that he trusted Tom's love for him enough to let go. Sam put his arm around Viki's shoulder. "This should be a special friend’s lunch, just you, Kevin and Téa. I think I'm going to bring all of you back whatever you'd like to eat and then I'm going to take my best girl out for a quiet lunch, just the two of us."

Viki was shocked. Sam almost sounded and looked cheerful. It had been so long since they'd actually enjoyed a meal together. Sam usually sat quietly and pushed most of the food around on his plate. Making conversation with him was forced and one-sided. Viki saw that Tom's obvious love for his "Coach" was like a miracle cure for Sam. Viki knew it would be a temporary one. She understood that problems like Sam's didn't just go away. For now Sam was on a high and Viki was going to take full advantage of it.

"So, what should we get for lunch?" Kevin asked Tom and Téa.

"Can I have chocolate milk?" Tom asked meekly.

"You can have anything you want, Boomer," Sam informed him.

Tom turned to Téa. She felt the love pouring from his being. "You pick, Téa. I want you to have what you like best."

"Oh, well, then it's pizza." Téa picked Tom's favorite. "You know how much I love pizza."

"Pizza sounds great. Bring it on!" Kevin added.

******************

Tom, Téa and Kevin busied themselves setting the table in the dining area of the dayroom while waiting for Sam to come back.

Viki went to the lounge to freshen up. She was excited. She felt like a young girl going out on a special date.

Susannah headed off to Bill's new house. She knew most of his days and evenings were spent fixing it up. He wanted it finished by the end of June, when his children would come stay with him for the summer. Susannah wanted to surprise Bill with a quick take-out lunch. She also wanted to make sure to be back soon. She was hoping to take Tom to the playroom for some play therapy between lunch and the art room becoming available. Tom was so confused on so many issues. Susannah hoped he would still be out after lunch. She did not want to waste a minute of the time she had to work with him. Susannah did have one stop she needed to make before she came back. She wanted to talk to Nora in person. She wanted to be able to read her sister's reaction when she asked her if she would come to the hospital to speak with Todd.

Sam made it back with the pizza in less than half an hour. He whistled when Viki came back into the room. Sam saw Viki's eyes light up. He felt himself choking down tears. Sam could not remember the last time he paid any attention to Viki's appearance or even made any effort at all to let her know how much he loved her. Sam hated the dark hole he constantly felt himself falling into. He didn't know how to climb out. He didn't know if what he believed most of the time was real. He wasn't sure whom he could trust when it came to Todd. Sam didn't realize that it was his lack of trust in himself to do right by Todd that he projected onto everyone else. For now Sam was having a good day. He actually felt hungry. He felt like being outside and having a date with the woman he loved.

Viki kissed Tom and Kevin goodbye. "I hope both my boys have a nice lunch."

"Am I your boy the same as Kevin?" Tom asked timidly.

Viki took his face in her hands. "You most certainly are." Viki took Téa's hand and led her over to where Kevin and Tom stood. "I love all three of my children very, very much."

Tears trickled down Téa's cheeks. She quickly wiped them away before Tom saw them. Even though "happy tears" had been explained to most of the alters, they were still confused by them.

*******************

The tremor in Tom's hand was still there, but it was less pronounced. To be on the safe side, Téa suggested cutting the pizza into bite-sized pieces. She reminded Tom how much she liked hors d’oeuvres. Téa cut her pizza and Tom's. Kevin took care of his own pizza.

Frank poured Tom's chocolate milk into a spill proof cup. No one wanted Tom escalating because of spilled food.

Kevin tried not to stare when Tom lined up his plate, napkin and cup precisely. Kevin could see that Téa was familiar with Tom's eating habits.

They could all see that Tom was nervous at first. As always, he was afraid of making even the smallest mess with the food. Kevin began making up games and telling jokes. Téa joined him. Before long Tom was giggling. He was relaxing and enjoying his lunch and most of all enjoying being with Téa and Kevin.

The staff members who were in the dayroom exchanged approving glances when Tom asked for a second piece of pizza and some more chocolate milk. It gave them so much pleasure to see him have a good appetite.

"Is everyone too full for ice cream?" Terry teased when they had their fill of pizza.

"Not me," Kevin answered first.

"Not me, too," Tom said and burst into giggles.

"Hey, I can't let you guys out do me. You can count me in on that ice cream," Téa announced.

Téa and Kevin slowed down the consumption of their ice cream to match Tom's. He ate slowly and carefully. He made sure to hold the bowl under his chin and only took tiny amounts of ice cream on his spoon each time. The trembling in his hand increased, more from anxiety than from the medications. As he had throughout parts of the meal, Tom kept looking down at his shirt and pants. Even at his most relaxed, he feared getting a stain on his clothes.

"It's okay, buddy. You don't have to worry about getting ice cream on your shirt. You have dozens of other shirts to change into," Kevin tried to assure Tom.

"I don't like to have to sit around with no clothes on. It gets really cold."

"Did your dad make you sit around naked if you spilled food on your clothes?" Téa asked.

"Clumsy boys don't deserve nice clothes." Tom said this casually, as if it were common for a parent to do that to a child.

Kevin remembered what he had already been told about this. Peter's punishment for spilled food was severe. Kevin knew that Tom and some of the others were made to get down on the floor and lick up spilled food, like an animal. Kevin also remembered the hatred he felt toward Peter Manning when he learned that he would cut the children with any glass that broke. Then after they complied with the degrading punishment, Peter would beat them anyway. Now here was this latest disclosure of cruelty and humiliation. It broke Kevin's heart to think of a child so afraid of being punished and humiliated that he could not enjoy a dish of ice cream the way other children could.

Kevin placed his arm around Tom's shoulder. "Do you remember what Doctor Hanen said about your dad being abusive and hurting you?"

Tom looked into Kevin's eyes and nodded.

"Punishing a child, or anyone, by making them go around naked is mean and abusive. It's not okay to do that to anyone. I'm sorry your dad did that to you. You're a good boy, Tom. He was wrong to do that."

A large tear trickled down Tom's left cheek, followed by one down the right. Tom rested his cheek against Kevin's chest and hung his head. "I must have been bad to make my dad do so many things that were wrong."

Téa leaned in and lifted Tom's head by the chin. "No, mijo. You didn't do anything wrong. Do you also remember Doctor Hanen telling you that your dad was mixed up and he wasn't strong, like you and Todd and all of you who live inside Todd? Your dad was too weak to keep himself from hurting all of you the way you keep yourselves from hurting Starr."

Tom trembled. "I don't want my dad to hurt you and Kevin and Doctor Hanen for saying things about him that will make him mad."

"Mijo, your dad is dead," Téa gently reminded Tom. "He can never hurt you again."

"It gets mixed up sometimes. It seems like he's here and it's gonna hurt." Tom pressed a button on his watch. A voice announced the time and date. "It's okay. It's now and my dad's still dead." Tom said these last words more to himself than to Kevin and Téa. He said it as if he were trying to convince himself.

"We'll never let anyone hurt you again," Kevin promised. He gently hugged Tom to him.

"Are you sure you and Téa don't want to beat me to make me be a good boy?"

Frank could see the frustration in Kevin and Téa's eyes. Frank walked over to the table. "Hey, buddy. What would it mean if Kevin and Téa wanted to beat you?"

Tom looked up at Frank. "That they want me to be a good boy so they could keep loving me."

"Take a few minutes and think about what you learned today and tell me again what it would mean if Téa and Kevin wanted to beat you," Frank instructed.

Tom sat quietly for a short while. "It would mean that their brains were all mixed up about how to love and it wouldn't be okay to hurt me to show they loved me. They would be bicycle abusing me."

"You got it buddy!" Frank praised Tom. "You are so smart. You figured it out right away. Boy am I proud of you." Frank rumpled Tom's hair.

Tom giggled.

"And I'm even prouder of you," Kevin declared.

"I'm the proudest of Tom, of all of you," Téa chimed in.

"Nope, I'm the proudest," Kevin announced.

Tom continued to giggle.

"I'm the super proudest," Téa stated.

Kevin and Téa looked at each other with smiling eyes. They both truly were extremely proud of Tom for beginning to understand. They were also incredibly happy to see him having fun.

"I know one thing I'm better at than you, Téa," Kevin teased. "I bet I'm a much better tickler than you are." Kevin tickled Tom's stomach.

Tom burst into more giggles and laughter.

"Let's see about that!" Téa joked back. She tickled Tom, too.

Tom's laughter sounded like angels singing to all of those in the room.

"I'm a good tickler, too," Tom said between laughs and giggles. He tickled Kevin and then Téa on their stomachs.

In a few seconds the three of them were laughing.

"This is such a fun day. I'm so happy!" Tom exclaimed. "I wanna tell everybody that it's the goodest thing to love nicely." Tom hugged Téa and then Kevin.

Kevin and Téa sandwiched Tom between them and hugged him tightly.

"I love you so much, mijo," Téa said softly.

"So do I buddy. So do I," Kevin stated.

Téa and Kevin felt Tom's body stiffen.

"Oh God! What the Hell are you doing?" Todd whispered hoarsely.

Kevin and Téa quickly let go and moved their chairs' away from Todd's.

Todd jumped up. He backed away from them. He looked at Frank and some of the other staff members in the room.

"How could you let this happen! You're supposed to protect people from me! You're supposed to keep me from making a fool out of myself in front of everyone."

"Todd, you didn't hurt us. You did not make a fool of yourself," Kevin said firmly.

"You were both laughing at me! I heard you!"

"No! Todd, we weren't laughing at you. I swear!" Téa tried.

"Were you teaching Kevin the words to the Todd the loser song!"

Téa looked away from Todd. Tears spilled from her eyes. "Todd, I'm so sorry about that. I've never forgiven myself for hurting you that way. I told you that I'm not a very nice person when I feel hurt. I felt hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. I never should have done that."

"Yeah, well maybe I deserved it. I deserve everything bad. So go ahead. Go ahead Kevin! Why don't you call Bo and Asa and Clint? Maybe they wanna come here and have a good laugh at Todd the loser. How about you, Delgado? Call Andrew. The more the merrier. You can start a fucking choir. What sweeter hymn is there than singing about what a stupid, worthless loser I am."

Kevin stood up. "Todd! Cut out this shit! We were not laughing at you." Then more quietly he said, "One of your alters was out. Tom. He's only seven and we were hugging him and tickling him."

Todd's face blushed red.

"Querido, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. We love Tom. He's a sweet and precious little boy and we enjoy spending time with him." Téa tried to get Todd to understand.

"Is that why you both hang around here?"

"Is what why we both hang around here?" Kevin asked.

"You wanna make sure you don't miss any of the freak show. You wanna be here to insure you always have front row seats."

"We're here because we love you and we want to spend time with you, no matter what part of you is out," Téa said firmly.

"They're no part of me!"

"Sorry to blow your image of yourself, Todd, but they are a very good, kind and loving part of you," Téa pointed out. She moved closer. "Todd, look at me. Please!"

Todd's eyes met Téa's. She saw the pain, humiliation and fear Todd felt.

"Todd," Téa began. "I know you've done things you're very sorry for . . . said things just to hurt someone that you never really meant . . . things you hate yourself for doing and saying and if you could just have that day . . . that moment back . . . you'd never have done it."

"Yeah, so?" Todd's voice was choked with emotion. He continued to stare into Téa's eyes.

"So, the day that I made fun of you with Andrew and Rachel, in your own home no less, is one of those days . . . those moments . . . for me. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had not been the kind of person who had done that. I was angry with you and I wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you that much and I never believed you were a loser then, and I don't believe it now. I understand if you're still angry with me and if you don't trust me not to make fun of you I'll understand that, too."

"I trust you," Todd whispered.

Todd and Téa's eyes locked for a moment. Then Todd quickly looked away. His eyes met Kevin's for a fraction of a second. Todd walked to the wall and faced it. He rested his forehead against it.

"Oh God, you don't know. You don't know."

Téa and Kevin exchanged questioning looks.

"We don't know what, Todd?" Kevin asked gently.

"What if feels like to come back and find yourself doing something and not know what's going on around you or what you've said or done or what was said or done to you. I wish I was dead! Do you have any idea . . ." Todd gasped and swallowed hard. "Any idea what it's like to be told that these- these-these people and kids are out there talking to everyone instead of you and you don't know it, but everyone around you does? You all know what's going on in my life, in my own life," Todd emphasized the word own, "and I don't have a clue. The whole town, maybe the whole world, knows I'm crazy . . . that I'm locked up in a loony bin. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? Do you know how much it makes me want crawl into a hole and die! How could you not make fun of me? Hell! I'd make fun of me if I was watching from the outside."

Kevin moved over to where Todd stood. He stood right next to him. "Todd, do you think I and everyone else made fun of Mom?"

"I can answer that."

Everyone, including Todd, turned in the direction of the door. They were all surprised to hear Viki's voice. She and Sam had come back from one of the most pleasant times Viki has spent with Sam in a very long while. They stopped by the dayroom first to see how Tom was doing. Sam stood back, in the doorway. He knew this was something that he could not share with Viki and Todd. Only they could understand what the other went through.

Viki walked over to where Todd still stood, facing the wall. "Todd, do you remember the time you ran into Niki at that airport?"

Todd thought for a second and then nodded.

"I thought you would since I came on to you that day . . . to you . . . my own brother. I'm sure you also remember the time Tori tried to give you the CD-ROMs that had every facet of Banner information on them and begged you to use it to destroy my newspaper."

Todd nodded again.

"You know Tori killed our father. She also tried to kill Clint and Kevin. Jean . . . you met Jean. She was quite nasty to you and tried to keep you from discovering you were Victor's son. Jean held Dorian prisoner in a secret room under Llanfair. You never got to meet some of my other alters. You never got to know Tommy . . . a teenage boy. He was violent and dangerous. He threw Dorian down a flight of stairs in her home and nearly killed her. He ate with his hands and crammed food into his mouth like he'd never eat again."

Todd turned and faced Viki. He glanced into her eyes and then looked down at the floor. Being able to see people seeing him . . . to see their feelings . . . their pain . . . was still overwhelming to Todd.

"You also never got to know Princess, a very frightened, lonely and sad seven year old girl."

"Seven?" Todd whispered.

"Yes." Viki wiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek. "Princess acted like most seven year old girls. She sat on the floor and played with dolls and dollhouses. She would cry because she was afraid of getting shots when doctors came near her. She liked jellybeans. She crawled into a ball in the corner and cried for her mother."

Todd raised his eyes until they met Viki's. He recognized the pain he saw in those eyes. It was the same as his. Todd saw another tear slide down Viki's cheek. Forgetting his fear of hurting Viki with his touch, Todd gently wiped the tear from her cheek with his first two fingers.

"Princess, was hurt by our father?" Todd asked softly.

Viki nodded.

Todd's lower lip and chin quivered. "I'm sorry." Tears splashed down Todd's cheeks.

"I know you are, sweetheart. I know you are the only one who can truly understand what I feel. Tell me, should I feel ashamed and humiliated because you and the rest of my family and most of the town saw these sad, angry, frightened and hurt people that had my body and my face? Should everyone who knows me laugh and make fun of me because Princess acted like a seven-year-old and told anyone who asked that she was seven. Should Kevin and Clint hate me because Tori tried to kill them? Do you think Asa and Bo should hate me for trying to kill two of their own? Should you hate me for the most heinous crime of all . . . for killing our father? Should you at least find me disgusting for coming onto you, my own brother? Should I hang my head in shame and be afraid to look everyone in the eye because I was ill?"

"No," Todd murmured.

"Why not?" Viki asked.

"Because he hurt you and he hurt all of those people who were running around in your head." Todd's cheeks puffed out as released the deep breaths he took in an effort to self-calm. "He hurt that boy, Tommy. He hurt that little seven-year-old, Princess." Todd's voice cracked. A sob escaped. "That miserable bastard hurt that little girl. He made her feel scared and alone and like she deserved everything bad that happened to her."

Viki shut her eyes for a moment. She was in as much need of self-soothing as Todd was. Viki knew that as much as the rest of her family loved her, only Todd shared her heart and soul. Only the baby brother she never got to see grow up truly understood her pain.

Neither Viki nor Todd saw the tears that fell from Sam's eyes, as he stood in the doorway, or from Kevin and Téa's eyes as they stood back and listened. Neither of them saw how deeply moved the staff was. Todd and Viki shared a private moment, despite the room full of people.

"Yes, that's exactly how he made Princess feel. Sweetheart, how can you have so much compassion and understanding for me and for that little girl and none for yourself or for Tom or for the other alters?"

"You're good, Viki. You were born good and bad things happened to you. I wasn't born good. Even a scumbag like our father knew it and gave me away. Everyone loves you. No one wanted to see you punished. They all wanna see me punished. They've all waited for that to happen ever since I came to this town and there are probably dozens more back in Chicago that would be happy to know what's happened to me. They wanna see me act like a fool. They're lining up for a chance to laugh at me."

"No. No they wouldn't because they understand what's it's like to be sick. They know it's not punishment. There is not one of them who have not been in a situation that has caused them some humiliation. It's horrible to be sick. Every serious illness makes us feel a loss of control and a loss of dignity."

Todd shook his head.

Kevin approached Todd. "Todd, do you really think you're the only one here who feels humiliation over being sick? Do you know what it was like for me after I was burned? Once they took the catheter out someone had to hold my dick for me when I peed into a urinal. Someone had to clean the shit off of me when I took a crap. They had to feed me and I had to pray for someone to come if I had a friggin' itch. I begged . . . pleaded like a damn junkie for painkillers. I screamed and cried like a baby when they did medical procedures on me. I hated what I'd become. I was a grown man and I was more helpless than a six-month-old. I couldn't even turn over on my side by myself. I hated seeing the faces of everyone around me feeling all that fear and pity for me. I hated myself for causing them all that pain and I hated them all for being able to leave my room and have some kind of life and I hated myself for feeling that. I hated that the woman I loved saw all of this." Kevin suddenly stopped talking for a minute.

Viki and Todd both stared at him.

Viki placed her hand on Kevin's arm. "Honey?"

"My God. I think that's it. I don't think I ever learned to handle Cassie seeing me that way. I think that's part of what drove me away from Cassie and made me feel attracted to Barbara. She was a stranger at first. She was a nurse. I wasn't as ashamed and humiliated when she looked at me. I still felt like a man with Barbara. When Cassie looked at me it was like all she was seeing was this helpless invalid, not a man she could feel . . . not someone she could be attracted to."

Viki squeezed Kevin's hand. She caressed his cheek.

"Mom, it's okay. I'm okay. Really. I think in many ways I'm more okay than I've been in a long time."

Kevin didn't know what it was or why it was. All he knew was that, somehow, feelings he'd buried for years were coming forth since he forged some kind of relationship with Todd. It was as if once Kevin realized he'd been able to let go of his haltered and jealousy of Todd other things that he couldn't let go of were coming to the surface. He was facing them, understanding them, and beginning to let go of them. He was starting the process of self-forgiveness. Making peace with negative feelings about Todd seemed to enable Kevin to make peace with his negative feelings about himself. Kevin wondered if he'd always shared a bond with Todd. Only now the bond had changed from hatred to love.

"Kevin, I-I'm sorry about the wine cellar," Todd mumbled.

Kevin shook his head. "If it hadn't happened that night at the lodge it would have happened sometime soon anyway. You just figured out that I was attracted to Barbara before I did. In some ways you did me a favor. You gave me months of someone else to blame for what happened to my marriage, so I didn't have to see the truth and blame myself."

The staff stood back as Téa and Sam made their way over to Todd, Viki and Kevin.

"Todd." Téa turned Todd's face toward her. "Viki and Kevin are right. You know they are. All of us have had times in our life that made us ashamed. There are times when we've all felt humiliated and felt like everyone should hate us or laugh at us or even leave us."

"It's true, pal. There are many times when I've wondered how the people whose love I care most about can really love me," Sam looked into Viki's eyes for a second, "when I don't believe I deserve that love."

"None of you have done the horrible things that I've done," Todd said in a low voice. He started off and did not look directly at anyone.

"None of us have been hurt as badly as you've been. Sweetheart, you've earned the right to your rage. Now you have to learn how to control it," Viki stated. "It's not easy. Believe me, I know. I also know you have the strength, determination and grit to do it."

Todd glanced quickly at each of his loved ones. "Okay, I don't wanna talk anymore."

"You don't have to, Boomer. You did good. You did real good."

"I didn't do anything," Todd commented.

"Yes you did, sweetheart. You did more than you know," Viki praised.

"You're confusing me," Todd mumbled. He sounded very tired.

Frank walked over to Todd. "Hi, buddy. How would you like to take a nap?"

"Yeah," Todd agreed immediately. Todd turned to Téa. "You're coming to my room with me, right?"

Téa's heart filled with joy. "Yes! Querido, of course I am. I'll stay with you while you nap."

"Viki," Todd called to his sister.

"Yes, sweetheart."

"That Tommy who ran around in your head really pushed Dorian down her stairs?"

Viki looked Todd in the eye and nodded. "Yep."

Todd's lips curled into a small smile. "Did you ever thank him?"

Viki laughed and shook her head. "Todd!"

"Just asking," Todd quipped.

They could see a tiny twinkle in Todd's eyes.

Todd, Téa and Frank headed for Todd's room.

"Mom, I'm going to the paper. I want to put the finishing touches on that article on the mayor. Something tells me he's not going to be too happy when it hits the stand," Kevin informed Viki.

Viki hugged Kevin tightly. "Todd is not the only one I'm very proud of today."

Kevin hugged Viki back just as tightly. "Todd's not the only one I'm very proud of today either. I know how painful it is for you to talk about your illness."

"Todd seemed better about things than he has in a long time," Sam remarked.

"He's not the only one, Sam," Kevin commented. "I'm very happy to see the little spark in my mom's eyes. I know that having a quiet and hopefully romantic lunch with you put it there."

"We had a lovely lunch," Viki confirmed.

Kevin knew how fleeting moments of happiness were these days. He was not naive enough to think that another breakthrough for Todd would lead to things staying like this. For now, Kevin was content with the moment. As soon as he finished his business at the paper, Kevin planned on calling Rachel to find out if she wanted to have a picnic dinner with him in the park.

****************

Maybe it went away? Maybe the filth went away? Todd thought as he, Téa and Frank made their way to his room. Now that he was calmer, it hit him that Téa, Viki, Sam and Kevin had touched him and he had touched some of them. Todd didn't want to put the pain back in everyone's eyes. He knew they didn't believe that he could hurt them and if he brought it up. The pain would return to their eyes. For a moment Todd wished he were blind again. He hated seeing the suffering he believed he caused. It was easier when he couldn't see their faces. Todd blamed himself for the shape Sam was in. Sam looks a little better now, Todd thought. Todd looked at his hands and arms as the three of them walked. He couldn't see the filth. He didn't feel it at that moment. They all seem oka,y too. I don't see it on them. Todd's eyes shifted to Téa. He quickly looked her over. Delgado looks okay. Maybe it didn't hurt her to touch me? Maybe I won't hurt any of them?

*********************

*******************

"This is a surprise," Nora exclaimed when her secretary told her Susannah was waiting to see her.

"If you're in the middle of something, I can come back." Susannah said as soon as she walked into the inner office.

"Nah. I'm just trying to keep a client off of death row. I'm kidding!" Nora added when she saw Susannah took her seriously. "Actually this is a perfect time to have a nice chat with my favorite sister."

"Your only sister," Susannah quipped.

"Nit picker," Nora joked.

"You might not think this chat is so nice when you hear what I have to ask you," Susannah said honestly.

Nora began to feel anxious. "Why do I have a feeling that 'Will you be my matron of honor?' is not what you're here to ask?"

Susannah smiled. "No, not yet anyway. It's about Todd."

Nora's entire body felt like a clenched fist. "Todd. Now why am I not surprised?"

"First, I want to tell you that Todd can see again. He no longer has the need to be blind."

"Oh my God. Just like that? I mean a patient is able to get over this . . . what was it?" Nora couldn't remember.

"Conversion disorder."

"Conversion disorder so suddenly?"

"There was never anything physically wrong with Todd's eyes or brain. Being blind served one or more purposes for Todd. It no longer does. For whatever reason or reasons, being able to see serves his purposes now. Of course Todd did not consciously decide to become blind or to start seeing again."

"Sam, Viki and Téa must be overjoyed. I'm very happy for then," Nora said genuinely.

"So is Kevin. He's very close to some of Todd's alters and he's recently begun working on his relationship with Todd."

"I never thought I'd live to see the day Kevin Buchanan would even want to be in the same room with Todd, nevertheless become close to him."

"Kevin understands Todd now. He has tremendous compassion for Todd for what he's been through and great admiration for him for surviving his childhood."

"So Kevin is completely over Todd allowing him to stand trial for a rape he didn't commit?" There was an edge to Nora's voice.

"No, I'm sure he's not. That's something he and Todd will have work out. Kevin realizes he has to have a relationship with Todd before that or any other issue he has with Todd can be worked through."

Susannah explained this without even the slightest touch of sarcasm in her voice. She went on to explain as much as she could about Todd's belief that he'll harm those he loves. She could not get into the specifics. She told Nora that she would have to ask Viki if she wanted more information on that.

"He actually believes that he can . . . what? . . . contaminate or infect people by merely touching them?" Nora couldn't fathom this.

"Yes. It's not that uncommon in cases of sexual abuse." Susannah knew Nora had already been told that Todd had been sexually abused.

Nora shook her head and sighed. She then looked at her sister questioningly. "So what does any of this have to do with me?"

"Todd wants to go away, far away. He wants Viki and Sam to send him to another hospital, preferably on another continent."

Susannah could see she shocked Nora. She continued. "Todd is willing to be sent back to jail, if they don't want to send him to another hospital."

"Todd Manning wants to go to jail! No, no, no, no," Nora laughed. "What kind of con is he pulling on all of you? Todd almost killed himself to get out of jail. He escaped confinement more times than Houdini. He wants something and he's trying to manipulate all of you into giving it to him."

"Nora, think about it. What possible reason could Todd have? He's not in any kind of legal trouble. He's not trying to get Viki, Sam or Téa back into his life. They are already there for him. He's not trying to get Starr away from Blair. Starr is one of the main reasons Todd wants to be sent away. All Todd wants is to keep those he loves safe."

"Those he loves? Forgive me if I have a hard time imagining Todd truly loving anyone."

"Nora, I know it's difficult to change a mind set. In some cases it's really a force of habit. We feel a certain way about someone for many years and it becomes very hard to change that, even when some part of our mind tells us we might have been wrong and perhaps we need to see this person in a different light."

"You think I just hate Todd out of a force of habit! You know what he did to me."

"I know," Susannah confirmed. "You had very valid reasons for hating Todd. I also think, knowing what you now know about Todd's history, you might have equally valid reasons for understanding what drove his behavior."

Nora stood up. She went to look out her office window.

Susannah sat silently and patiently. She knew Nora needed some time to process this.

Finally, Nora turned around and faced her sister. She walked back to her desk and once again sat opposite Susannah. "You know that Adam and Timmy got to me, especially Timmy. I won't deny that. I concede that they are a part of Todd and so there must be something good buried very, very, deep down inside Todd Manning, I think."

"You think?" Susannah wanted clarity.

"When I think of Todd, Todd himself, all the old feelings come back. I don't think of a sad, frightened, innocent four-year-old. I don't see the child who looked up at me with these huge wounded eyes. I see the man who stalked me when I was blind and sick. I see the man who tried to rape me and possibly kill me."

"I know Todd severely traumatized you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Todd's victimization at the hand's of his father does not take away your victimization at his hands."

Nora stared at Susannah. "You finally said it. I can't believe you finally said it."

"Said what?" Susannah was confused.

"That I was Todd's victim. That I was hurt by that man and that the fact that he was abused does not excuse what he did to me."

Susannah realized that while she repeatedly told Nora that she understood her feelings about Todd, she never made her feel that she did. Susannah knew that her history with her sister kept her from truly giving Nora the compassion and understanding she would have given a stranger. Until recently, Susannah had seen her sister as self-righteous, hypocritical and unforgiving. While she knew in her head that Nora had every right to hate Todd, in her heart she felt that Nora should understand and forgive. Susannah also realized her feelings for Todd kept her from being objective. Susannah loved Todd as if he were her own child. She was protective over him, even if her own sister was whom she believed he needed protection from.

Susannah took her sister's hand. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like your pain didn't count. No, Todd's past is no excuse for the things he did, it's only a part of the explanation. I wish I could have gotten to Todd when he first came to Llanview, perhaps I could have made a difference and spared you from the suffering he put you through."

Tears welled up in Nora's eyes. "If there is anyone out there who could have helped Todd, it would have been you."

"I'm hoping I still can. I'm hoping you can, too. That's why I'm here."

"Oh, God," Nora sighed. "I'm not gonna like this, am I?"

"No." Susannah shook her head. "I don't think you are. Todd wants to see you."

"Todd?" Nora interrupted, "not Timmy? Not that little boy I met?"

"No, Todd. He wants you to represent him."

Nora laughed disbelievingly. "Sure he does. I did such a bang up job when I represented him at the rape trial. What does he want this time, for me to insure he gets a lethal injection?"

Susannah nodded slowly. "In a way, yeah. Todd hasn't said so, but we all realize that he wants you as his lawyer because he believes that you will make sure he's sent far away from Llanview. He doesn't seem to care if it's to another hospital or to prison. He wants to get away from all of those he loves, to protect them. I suspect that he also has plans to kill himself once he is away."

Nora turned pale. "He wants me to help him kill himself?"

"In a roundabout way, yes," Susannah confirmed.

"No! He is not going to do that to me. He is not going to put that on my head. If he wants to kill himself let him figure out a way to escape. He managed to escape from Statesville. He can manage to escape from your hospital."

"Todd has rights. One of those rights is to ask anyone he wants to be his attorney. So I came here to let you know that you're the one he wants."

"Fine. You did your duty. You asked. You can go back and tell Todd that as flattered and as tempted as I am to be asked to be his executioner, I politely decline."

"I knew you would. That's not the only reason why I came here."

Nora looked into Susannah's eyes. "No. Oh, no. Don't ask me that."

Susannah wasn't surprised that Nora could still read her well. "It might be as helpful to you as I think it will be for Todd if you came to see him. There are many unfinished issues between the two of you."

"Yes! Todd never got to finish me off. Do you want to give him another shot at it!"

"You would not be left alone with him. I'd be there and so would some of the staff."

Nora closed her eyes and stared off into space for a few seconds. "It's not fair of you to put me in this position."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm not only asking you because I don't think Todd will believe you said no if you are not the one to tell him that you can't be his lawyer. I also think a part of Todd wants to talk to you. I suspect that is part of the reason he is so insistent. Todd has issues with you and with himself for what he did to you."

"I have a few issues," Nora emphasized the word issues, "with what Todd did to me, too."

"As I said, I think this could be beneficial to both of you. Do you think you can at least consider coming to the hospital to meet with Todd?"

"I don't know. I can't give you an answer just like that. Right now the thought of being in the same room with him, no matter who else is in that room, makes my skin crawl."

"I understand. I didn't expect you to agree immediately," Susannah admitted.

"But you do expect me to agree eventually, don't you? You think because I showed a tiny soft spot for Timmy and Adam that it would trickle down to Todd."

"Yes," Susannah answered honestly. "I think a part of you does understand that Todd has always been very ill. I also think a part of you understands that you will never fully reclaim the part of you that Todd took away when he hurt you until you and he can face why it came to that, and how that day has affected both your lives ever since. I think both you and Todd need to hear what the other has to say."

"Is this your idea of some kind of perverse group therapy where the victim faces her victimizer?"

"Kind of." Susannah nodded. "Do you think you're up for that?"

"Oh what! Now you're trying to use psychology on me. You think I'm still that kid that will take any challenge to show that I'm tough and brave? You think you can get me to see Todd the way you got me to ride that horse that nearly bit me."

"He was a sweet horse. You spooked him because he sensed your anxiety."

"Yeah, well how do you know I won't spook Todd?"

"I don't. I can't even promise that Todd won't bite you."

"Very funny," Nora snapped.

"I'm not joking. Adam bites when he's frightened. I can't guarantee he won't come out. Nora, I always make sure my patients are aware of every possibility, negative and positive, when I discuss treatment options with them or with their families. It's only fair that I give you the same chance to make an informed decision. I can't guarantee Todd will stay Todd. I can only guarantee you what I already have. You will not be left alone with Todd or with any of them. Todd will be within arm's reach of staff at all times."

"The way he was when he stabbed Bo?"

"Bo realized he should have let staff handle Pete. My guess is that you would not rush toward Todd should there be a problem."

"You got that right. Not that I'm saying I'll do this. I need to think about it. I need to discuss this with Bo."

"That's all right. When I left, Tom was out. Todd had a very hard day so far. He's not up for a visit from you today."

"Is Tom a sweet little boy like Timmy, or is he like the one who stabbed Bo?"

"Tom is seven and he's very sweet and gentle. He's also a very sad and confused little boy. He's a very talented artist. Many of Todd's alters have amazing talent. If you'd like to see their artwork sometime, let me know. It's not contingent on you meeting with Todd. I can have all their work moved to the art room. Another unit on the other side adjoins it. There is a locked door and a small hallway between Todd's unit and the art room and another hallway and locked door between the art room and the next unit."

"Viki mentioned that some of Todd's alters are very talented artists. It's ironic. Who would have thought the soul of an artist lives inside Todd Manning . . . who would have thought that any kind of soul lives inside Todd Manning," Nora added.

"Todd's gifts were something Peter couldn't destroy. Don't think he didn't try. Todd found a way to save everything, his high intelligence, his talents, most of all his ability to love and be loved. Hopefully Todd will reclaim it all one day."

Nora took a deep breath. "You know, I hope so. I really do. I especially hope so for Viki and Sam's sake. This is killing Sam. I can't believe the way he's falling apart. I know they love Todd as much as I love Rachel and no one should have to see their child sick and suffering. Whether or not I can let myself be a part of Todd reclaiming his life, I don't know. I promise I'll think about it. Actually, thanks to your little visit here, I will probably not think of much else until I decide."

"Thank you. Nora, I mean it. Thank you. I know I've put you in a bad position. I honestly believe talking things out with Todd, whether you forgive him or not, will help you, too. I'm not just saying that to get you to do it."

"I know. That's the one thing I and anyone else who's ever known you have been sure of . . . you will always be honest and straightforward." Nora smiled. "I still think you could have lied a little when I showed you that dress I bought for the Senior Prom."

"It was hideous," Susannah defended her position. "It made you look like a marshmallow dipped in Pepto-Bismol."

Nora laughed. "So it did, but you still didn't have to be that blunt."

"At least I got the store to take it back, final sale or no final sale."

Nora laughed even harder. "I can still see you talking to that store manager. There you were, all of fifteen, expounding on the life-altering trauma that looking stupid at my Senior Prom could cause me. I think she finally took the dress back just to shut you up."

Susannah began to laugh at the memory, too. "You're just lucky that I spent my time reading Psychology Today instead of Seventeen and Tiger Beat the way you did. And you did end up with a really great looking dress."

"Great enough to get Eddie Robbins to cut in when I was dancing with that dorky date of mine and then ask me out."

"Oh my God! I remember Eddie. You and your friends used to talk about how hot he was. He was in that band. You were all so sure he was going to be the next Mick Jagger. Whatever became of him?"

"He became an actuary for an insurance company."

Nora and Susannah looked at each other and burst into laughter again.

"Mr. Fascination," Nora quipped.

Susannah smiled. "Having you for a sister was never dull, that's for sure."

"We did have some good times together, didn't we?" Nora said nostalgically.

Susannah nodded. "Do you ever miss those days?"

"Yeah, it would be nice if picking out a dress was still my biggest worry."

"I'm sorry if I just contributed to your worries."

Nora could tell Susannah meant that from the bottom of her heart. "I know. I also know you wouldn't have asked if you didn't think my meeting with Todd would make a big difference. I will think about it."

"Thanks. I know you will. Well, I'd better get back to the hospital. If Tom is still out, I want to have a session with him, or with whomever might be out."

"Do you think Todd can get over this idea he has that his touch is harmful to everyone he cares about?" Nora asked.

"Yes. Eventually. Knowing Todd and his patterns my guess would be that he will have moments when the staff, I and/or his family can get through to him and those fears will recede, but that will be temporary. Something will act as a trigger and Todd will once again feel he will harm those he loves and think the only solution is getting away from them and the only escape from his suffering is death. Todd has a tremendous need to punish himself. If things start to feel too good and too safe to him, he has to shoot himself in the foot and make sure his suffering continues. I believe he also does this because he fears those good and safe feelings will be taken away from him."

"So he throws them away first," Nora surmised.

"Yep. At least this way he's in control."

"Todd has no idea that he does this, does he?"

"Perhaps on some level, not on a conscious one. Hopefully someday Todd can get to where he doesn't believe the messages his father drummed into his head . . . that he doesn't deserve to be loved or even liked and that he deserves to be punished. Hopefully someday he can also allow himself to believe that the moments of love and safety he allows himself to feel can last and there is no need to throw them away, before those feelings and the people who give him those feelings desert him."

"You have your work cut out for you with that young man, don't you?"

"Todd can be helped. I've believed that since the first time I met him. He thinks he's a lost cause. I don’t and neither does his family."

Nora stared into Susannah's eyes. "You think it will matter to him if I don't think he's a lost cause either, don't you?"

"Yeah," Susannah said softly. "You and Bo."

"Bo?" Nora was surprised.

"Both of you are important to Todd. There have been times in Todd's life when he's been obsessed with you and with Bo. You both represent something to Todd."

"Yeah, we became the objects of his warped hatred."

"Maybe yes and maybe no. Yes, the things that Todd did to both of you made it seem like he acted out of hatred, but for Todd showing feelings in an appropriate way has been distorted beyond all reason. Love, hate, pain, control, violence, affection, caring . . . everything in his life was taught to him in a distorted way. He adapted to what life gave him. He had to, to survive. Now it's time for the tangled mess that Todd's feelings and beliefs are in to be straightened out. Only when that happens can Todd truly know how he feels about anyone or anything."

"I know I need to make my decision as soon as possible. I'll call you later or tomorrow and let you know."

Susannah stood up and gathered her bag. "Fair enough. Give Bo, Rachel and Mud a kiss from me."

"Bo and Rachel, okay. You're on your own with Mud."

"When are you going to admit that you love that dog?" Susannah kidded.

"Maybe you can conduct a session for Mud and me? We can talk about our issues."

Susannah smiled. "I'm sure Mud could give me an earful. Take care, sis. I'll talk to you soon."

After the door closed behind Susannah, Nora put her head down on her folded arms. "Damn you, Todd Manning," she said out loud.

***************

Todd had been exhausted. His weary body dropped to his bed the moment he had gotten back to his room. Téa sat in a chair next to his bed. Frank sat posted outside the door. The door was left open wide enough for Frank to have Todd in his sight, but not so wide that Todd and Téa wouldn't have some sense of privacy.

"Delgado?" Todd called softly.

"Yes, querido."

"Do you remember that time when I had a nightmare and you held my hand the whole night and kept the bad dreams away?"

Téa smiled. "Of course I do. I remember every moment of it. You allowed me to get close to you that night. It meant everything to me."

"I hate going to sleep," Todd murmured.

"Because of the nightmares?"

Todd nodded. "Do you think . . . never mind." Todd turned his face away from Téa.

Téa sat down on the bed, next to Todd. "Do I think I can hold your hand while you go to sleep?"

"Yeah," Todd whispered without turning back toward Téa.

Téa took Todd's right hand in hers. She squeezed it gently. She brought it to her lips and kissed it. "Move over."

"What?" Todd finally turned to look at Téa.

"Move over. That night I didn't only hold your hand; I also slept next to you. It's a package deal. Move over."

Todd hesitated for a few moments before he slid to the left side of his bed. Téa stretched out next to Todd while continuing to hold onto his hand.

At first, Téa could feel the tension in Todd's body as he lay next to her, on his back. Téa turned on her side. She stroked Todd's head with her other hand. "It's all right, mi amor. It's safe to let me close. It's safe to sleep. I'll be right here by your side until you wake up. I'll chase away the nightmares if they come."

Todd turned on his side, facing Téa. He stared into her eyes. Warm brown pools of safety. Anything's possible when I look in those eyes, he thought. Todd was once again grateful that he could see.

"Delgado," Todd whispered again.

"Yes, mi amor," Téa asked.

"Don't you go away."

"Never." Téa continued to stroke Todd's head. "Never. If you believe nothing else, you can believe that."

Todd surprised Téa by laying his head between her breast and her shoulder. Téa turned, slightly, toward Todd. She put her arm around him and gently hugged him to her. She rested her chin against the top of Todd's head. After a few minutes, Téa felt Todd's deep, even breaths. He was asleep. With Todd in her arms, Téa too felt enveloped in safety. Soon she fell asleep as well.

When Frank was sure they were both asleep, he came into the room and covered both Todd and Téa with a warm blanket. He smiled and went back to his post.

***************

Susannah headed for the nurses' station to check Todd's chart as soon as she got back to the unit. Before she had a chance to read it, Frank motioned her over to Todd's room.

"Check this out," Frank said with a smile on his lips.

Susannah peeked into the room. She saw Todd and Téa curled up with each other in Todd's bed, sound asleep. Susannah's smile was even bigger than Frank's. "Tom?"

"Nope. Todd," Frank answered.

"Really?" Susannah was very surprised.

Frank filled Susannah in on what occurred with Todd, Viki, Kevin, Sam and Téa and then asked, "What do you think the chances are that he's over his fear hurting everyone with his touch?"

Susannah sighed. Then with a shrug she said, "I hope I'm wrong, but I think Todd will take his usual twenty steps backward before he takes that permanent step forward."

Frank nodded in agreement. "At least he's getting some peace for now." Frank looked toward the sleeping couple again. "And from the smile on Téa's lips, I'd say she is, too. They're both sleeping so soundly that neither of them felt it when we raised the bed and fed and medicated Todd. Oh, did you have a chance to see Nora?" Frank asked.

"Yeah. I think she understands why Todd wants to see her. Whether or not she can get over her fear and meet with him, I don't know. I do believe she will try."

"She didn't agree to represent Todd did she?" Frank inquired.

"No. Nora realizes that, given their history, being Todd's attorney would not be ethical."

"Todd's not going to be too happy with that if he goes back to believing he should be sent away," Frank guessed.

"I know. Todd assumed Nora would jump at the chance."

"He thought Kevin would, too. He's still somewhat suspicious of Kevin's motives for wanting him to stay here."

"It's understandable. Todd is filled with self-hatred. He can't fathom that anyone can truly love him, nevertheless someone he considered an enemy. I think Todd's relationship with Kevin will be very instrumental in his recovery."

"It seems to be doing great things for Kevin, too," Frank remarked.

"It does. I don't think Kevin realizes how closely he and Todd have been tied to each other all these years. I believed Kevin used his hatred of Todd to block all his other feelings . . . feelings about himself," Susannah theorized.

"Once he let go of that, the floodgates opened."

Susannah nodded. "I think Kevin's going to be okay."

"Sam seemed a lot better today, too," Frank stated.

"Sam's mood is always elevated when Todd or one of the alters allows closeness. Sam's moods are far too dependant on how Todd feels about him at any given moment for my comfort. Sam needs help. It's ironic. Sam was always the one who advocated therapy for Todd. When I first told Viki that I thought it necessary to have Todd admitted to this unit, she was not at all sure about it. Sam was the one who convinced her to let Todd hate them for a while if that's what they had to do to save him. Sam was also able to see the necessity for medication more clearly than Viki."

"Now Viki has become the strong one. She's not only strong for Todd, she's strong for Sam these days," Frank observed.

"Viki has always been a very strong woman. Much more so than even she realizes. In fact, I wish she'd allow herself some downtime from being strong and discuss her own problems. Viki always has one excuse or another when I bring up continuing our therapy sessions."

Frank and Susannah peeked back into the room. Without waking, Todd had snuggled up even closer to Téa. In her sleep, Téa tightened her hold on Todd. They both remained in a deep sleep.

"I'll be in my office. I'm going to start drawing up some programs for Todd. We'll go over them at the next staff meeting and all of you can give me your input then. I think we need to start with sexual education sessions for Todd and the alters who were sexually abused. I'd like you and the other male techs to write up some plans, of different developmental levels, for Todd and the alters."

"Sure. I'll pass the word around," Frank replied.

"Thanks. Oh, do you know where Viki and Sam are? I want to tell them that Nora is at least willing to think about coming to visit Todd."

"Terry told me that they went to see a movie."

"They did!" Susannah laughed happily. "Today is certainly filled with surprises. Sam and Viki need some time off desperately. I'm very glad that they were able to leave Todd in Téa's care. Téa may not realize it, but that speaks more for their faith in her love for Todd and her judgment to do right by him than any words can say."

"I know. When Todd does get home, Viki and Sam are going to have to learn not to be overprotective of him. It's good that they can trust Téa. It will help when the transition comes and it's time for Todd to leave their home and go back to his own, with Téa and Starr."

"I think Viki will be all right. I'm more concerned with Sam. He's on a high today. Tomorrow, or even an hour from now, he may go right back to distrusting everyone's ability to care for Todd."

"Sam really needs to see someone."

"He needs to want to, first." Susannah patted Frank on the back. "Let me know as soon as Todd wakes up." Susannah headed for her office.

**************

Both Todd and Téa were emotionally exhausted, coupled with the overwhelming feeling of love and safety they felt as they lay in each other's arms, their sleep continued to be deep.

Viki and Sam got back to the unit at seven-thirty.

"They're still sleeping?" Viki asked. "It was only a little after four in the afternoon when they went down."

"I think they both need it. It's all right. We've been able to give Todd his feedings and medication."

"Man, they must be exhausted," Sam commented.

"I'm leaving for the night," Susannah told Sam and Viki. "I've instructed the staff to let them sleep for as long as they need. It might be the entire night. Why don't the two of you really make a day of this and go home and sleep in your own bed?"

Viki and Sam exchanged looks.

Sam shook his head. "I don't know."

"I don't either, Susannah. What if Todd does wake up?"

Susannah smiled. "I think he'll be fine. Go ahead and see for yourselves."

Viki and Sam looked in on Todd and Téa. As they had been for hours, the two were snuggled together. Todd, with his head still resting on Téa, Téa with her arm protectively around Todd, both looked more peaceful than Viki or Sam had seen either of them look in a very long time.

Viki linked her arm through Sam's. She rested her head on his shoulder. "I wouldn't mind sitting in front of the fire with you for a few hours. It's been a chilly spring."

"Our kid looks happy. Doesn't he?"

"Yes he does," Viki agreed. "Let's give them this night to themselves."

Sam kissed Viki's head. "I wouldn't mind spending the night in our own bed, holding you that way while we slept."

"Let's go," Viki led Sam to the door. "Todd's in good hands."

***************

Susannah checked on Todd one more time before she left for the night at nine. Frank had gone off duty. Carl was posted at the door.

"Don't think he's gonna need any sleep meds tonight," Carl remarked.

"No, neither do I," Susannah concurred.

"You think the storm has passed or this is just the calm before the next storm?" Carl asked.

"We can always, hope," Susannah said wistfully.

**************

A small ray of the sun trickling through the side of the window shade caught Todd's attention as he opened his eyes. Todd squinted. He had forgotten what seeing the sunrise felt like. Most of Todd's senses immediately became filled with Téa. The warmth and safety of the feel of her next to him; the intoxicating fragrance of the way Téa's perfume smelled on her alone; the sound of her deep, even breaths; the sight of her face as Todd raised his eyes to look at her all made Todd wonder for the moment if he were dreaming.

Todd slowly raised his head. He looked around the room. It took him a moment to get his bearings. Then he remembered that Téa said she would stay with him while he slept. Todd was still sleepy, despite the many hours he and Téa had been asleep.

"You did it again, Delgado," Todd whispered. "You kept the bad dreams away."

Todd leaned back on his elbow. He stared down at Téa's face. Todd remembered coming into Téa's room and taking pictures of her while she slept. "You're still nice to look at," Todd continued in a whisper. As he had been the night he took the pictures, Todd was mesmerized by Téa's face. He took in her soft, smooth skin, her long brown eyelashes and the most amazing mouth he'd ever seen. You're still okay. I didn't hurt you, Todd thought to himself. Todd made sure Téa was still asleep. He gently kissed her lips. Todd pulled the blanket up a little higher to make sure Téa was warm enough. He carefully lowered his head to Téa's chest again. In a few minutes Todd fell back to sleep.

Todd and Téa once again slept soundly through the administration of Todd's feeding and medication at seven-fifteen in the morning, as they had through the two feedings in the middle of the night. Todd's vitals had been taken, too. Janet smiled to herself the whole time she stood over the two. Todd, you have so much love in you. Honey, I wish it didn't scare you so much, she thought.

It was nearly nine before Téa opened her eyes. Todd's head against her was the first thing that came into Téa's consciousness. She kissed the top of his head, softly. Téa was shocked when she looked at her watch. Still slightly disoriented from her long sleep, Téa thought it was nine at night for the moment it took her to realize it was light out. Téa knew that she had been sleeping longer and deeper since her brain injury, but nothing like this. She smiled to herself. "I wish you could realize that you help me as much as I help you, mi corazon," Téa said softly.

Todd stirred. He opened his eyes and stared into Téa's. "You're still here."

"I told you I would be. I'll never break a promise to you."

"Yeah, I knew that," Todd said and rubbed his eyes. "Is it the same day?" Todd asked.

"It's the next day. It's a little after nine in the morning. We were asleep for about seventeen hours."

Suddenly Todd sat up and moved away. "Does your arm hurt?"

"My arm?" Téa was confused.

"Last time I hurt your arm because it was in a funny position."

"My arms are fine and I'm fine," Téa assured Todd.

Jeff heard Téa and Todd. He came into the room. "How are you two sleepyheads doing?"

Téa stroked Todd's head. "We're doing great . . . uh . . . except for one thing." Téa looked uncomfortable. "Todd, I'll be right back." Téa jumped off the bed and headed for the bathroom.

"I think Delgado has a really small bladder," Todd said seriously.

Jeff laughed. "I'm so happy to see you feeling so good."

"Delgado kept the nightmares away."

Jeff heard the awe in Todd's voice. "I know she did. It's good to see you have a peaceful sleep, buddy. Todd, you need to drink some something. You don't want to become dehydrated. How about some juice or milk or some breakfast?"

"Water. Can I have some water?"

"Sure, pal." Jeff sighed as he poured some water into a cup from the bedside pitcher. He'd hoped Todd's improved mood would have led Todd to willingly taking some nutrition.

Todd drank all the water. He lay on his side and hugged his pillow. He was yawning as Téa walked out of the bathroom.

"That's much better," Téa commented. She walked over to Todd and placed her hand on his forehead. "Querido, are you still sleepy? Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just really tired." Todd looked at Jeff. "Do I have to get up?"

Jeff knew that Todd's medications caused him to be a little lethargic and drowsy at times, but this was not like Todd. He was beginning to become concerned, too.

Téa was just about to tell Todd that she would stay with him when Janet came in to tell Téa that Doctor Anderson had called the unit to see if Téa was there.

Before Janet had a chance to finish what she was saying, Téa exclaimed, "Oh damn! I forgot all about my appointment. I was supposed to be in his office at nine."

Téa saw the frightened look on Todd's face when he asked, "Are you sick again from hitting your head?"

"No." Téa sat next to Todd. "Absolutely not. This is a follow-up visit." Téa saw that Todd still looked afraid for her. "I don't even have to keep this appointment. I'm already late. Why don't I stay here with you and . . ."

"No! Delgado you have to go see your doctor and make sure your head's fixed good."

Téa knew Todd was putting her needs before his. She could tell he had wanted her to stay with him. "Really, it's no big deal. I'll see if I can reschedule for later or tomorrow."

"You gotta go now, Delgado. What if there's something wrong? You gotta go!"

"All right. Todd, shhhh. I'll go. Don't get upset. I promise you I'm fine. If you want to get it officially from Doctor Anderson I'll ask him to call you when he finishes examining me."

Todd's relaxed a little. "Yeah, you tell him I want it in writing, too."

Téa laughed when she realized Todd was serious. "I will bring you your note and make sure Doctor Anderson calls you." Téa looked down at her wrinkled clothes. She didn't care. She would not have traded last night for anything in the word. Téa had no idea how much she would wish for that night back and wish she had followed her instinct and stayed with Todd.

TO BE CONTINUED

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