PREVIOUSLY

"YYYYEEEEEEES!" Ritchie's scream was gut wrenching. His hands formed into tight fists. His eyes closed tightly. His face scrunched in torment. He stayed in the chair. He bent forward as if he had been kicked in the stomach. "Oh God! He hurt me. He hurt me over and over and over. It never stopped! Every time I came out he was hurting me. She knew. She knew! I hate them. I hate both of them so much! I didn't want to come out. I hate Mike! I hate me! I had to take it. I should have stopped him. I let him do that to me until I was seventeen! . . ."

**************************************************************

It seemed to T�a that she'd been waiting in Susannah's office for days. Terry finally came in and filled her in, briefly, on what had gone on with Todd. If T�a was anxious before, now she was nearly panicking. Terry let her know that Todd was trying his best to push everyone away. She told T�a that Todd was insisting Viki send him to a hospital far away from Llanview. She warned T�a not to touch Todd unless he initiated it or asked for it. Terry didn't tell her about Todd's success with the cane. She knew some part of Todd would want to surprise T�a.

***************

Todd's natural athletic gift shone through, even here. Todd veered off toward the wall a few times as he made his way to Susannah's office. As soon as he felt the wall, he quickly regained his way. Todd's throat was dry. He asked for a cup of water. Frank told him the pantry was on his left, about eight feet from where he stood. Todd became anxious and hesitated for a moment.

"You can do it, buddy. I'll let you know when you're in front of it. There's no door on it. You'll be able to feel the opening with your cane," Frank encouraged Todd's independence. "Okay, Todd. You're right in front of the pantry. Turn to your left," Frank instructed.

Once Todd was in there, Frank directed him to the sink and cups and ice machine. Todd felt the faucet as Ryan had taught him. He held his hand under the cold water just to be sure. Frank told Todd where the cups were. Again, Todd had no problem. Todd's hand trembled as he brought the cup to his mouth. They could tell he had been scared to death of failing and making a fool of himself in front of Susannah and the staff members that were with him. This was the first drink of water Todd had been able to get for himself in months. The cool water felt good as it made contact with his parched throat.

They all praised Todd.

Even though Todd's comment was, "It's just a stupid cup of water," they could tell that he felt good about his accomplishment. Each achievement bolstered his confidence. It was doing something more. Todd was slowly giving up the "benefits" of this conversion disorder. Todd had not had any memories come to him about the night of his fourteenth birthday. In fact, since Susannah took him to Asa's lodge, Todd's nightmares about that night lessened. He had not had one nightmare about that night in a couple of months. Those memories had been buried very deeply again. Susannah theorized that if Todd were willing to give up some of the helplessness his blindness caused, it had nothing to do with Michelle or that night, at this point. It must have more to do with his need to punish himself, she thought. Perhaps Todd's need to punish himself is lessening or he's found a different means of self-torture? The latter worried Susannah.

Todd's throat and mouth were as dry from anxiety as they were from his medications. He took another long drink and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"We have some really good cookies and some nice cold milk here. Would you like something to eat before you go to see T�a?" Angelo asked Todd.

"No. I just wanted some water so I could talk to Delgado good. Let's go."

The staff held back giving Todd directions. He found his way back into the hallway and continued in the right direction without a word from anyone. They all exchanged proud and approving glances at Todd's ability to immediately master this.

*********************

T�a had been pacing nervously since Terry left. She felt like she was crawling out of her skin. When T�a heard the outer door to Susannah's office open, she jumped. T�a could not believe her eyes when she saw Todd walk into the office with no one holding his arm.

"Oh, Todd! Oh, querido. You're able to walk on your own. I'm so proud of you." T�a wanted to throw her arms around him and hug him tightly. She used all the self-control she had not to. She remembered Terry's warning.

Todd shrugged. "It's no big deal. People walk by themselves all the time."

"I know," T�a admitted. "But it has to be very difficult to do it when you can't see. You've learned so quickly. I can't help feeling very proud of you."

"Okay," Todd shrugged again. "Go ahead. Knock yourself out."

Todd wanted to believe her. He wanted T�a to be proud of him. One part of him was afraid she was only trying to make him feel good and that she was really laughing at him. Another part was thankful that he could walk into the room like a man . . . an adult . . . and not have T�a see him being led by someone. Todd believed this would be the last time T�a would ever see him. He didn't want her last memory of him to be that of a helpless loser.

Saber smirked as he heard the staff and T�a tell Todd how proud of him they were. He kept quietly to himself. He didn't want Todd to freak out right now. He wanted him to be able to tell T�a what he came there to say.

Todd knew Susannah and some staff members were in the room. It didn't matter. He planned to be quick about this. "Delgado?"

"Yes," T�a answered.

Todd moved toward her voice. When his cane lightly tapped her foot, he stopped.

"Why don't we go sit on the couch?" T�a suggested.

"Do you feel sick or dizzy?" Todd became frightened.

"No. I'm fine, Todd. I needed rest and I got it. I'm okay now."

"Then we can stand here. I'll say what I came to say and then you can go home and rest."

"Querido, I don't want to go home and rest. I came as soon as I heard you were . . . I mean when I heard you asked for me."

"Say it, Delgado. When I came back from loosing time . . . from being crazy . . . from an all expense paid vacation to psycholand?"

"When you were yourself again," T�a said softly.

"Oh," Todd nodded. He laughed. "When I was myself again? And who exactly is that? Do you know? If you do, you know more than I do and all the shrink help Viki is throwing her money out on."

T�a moved just a little closer to Todd. "I know that you have a good and kind heart. I know you're smarter and more courageous than anyone I've ever known. I know you make me happier than anyone I've ever known."

"Then your life must have sucked worse than mine," Todd snapped.

"It did suck before I met you," T�a confessed.

"Oh yeah. I brought all kinds of joy into your life, didn't I?"

"Todd, you . . ."

"Look, Delgado," Todd cut her off. His voice was cold . . . business like . . . void of emotion, despite the fact that each word he said and each word he planned to say made him feel as if his heart and guts were being ripped out. "I didn't wanna see you so we could have a trip down memory lane. I wanna talk to you because I have to tell you something." Todd paused and took a deep breath. "I appreciate all the time you've spent here with me. I know you pal around with some of those kids, so thanks for that too. You've done all you can for us. Your job here is finished. I don't want you to come here anymore. I don't want you to call or send any notes or letters for them to read to me. Nothing! You write up some divorce papers and have a messenger bring them over and I'll sign them." Todd turned away from T�a and faced the direction he assumed Susannah, Frank and the other were in. "I'm finished here. I'm ready to go."

"You can go. You can go straight to HELL, Todd Manning!" T�a called out.

She expected Todd to tell her not to visit. What she didn't expect was this cold, business like manner. It made her feel like the headway she and Todd had made connecting to each other was lost.

Susannah and the staff could see the shocked look on Todd's face.

Todd faced T�a again. "Don't do this, T�a. Just walk away. Make it easy on yourself."

"You mean make it easy on you! Don't you, Todd?"

"Does that surprise you? Doesn't that fit in with the picture you have of my good and kind heart and my courage? That's because if that's the picture you see, you're blinder than I am, Delgado!"

"No, Todd. That picture of you is an accurate one. So is this one. You tell me. You tell me if I'm drawing this wrong. You're pushing me away because you think it will protect me. You're pushing me away because I make you feel things you don't want to feel . . . like love . . . you think your love and your touch is a curse. You think anyone you love or care about is doomed. You hate yourself because of some of the things you've done and you blame yourself for what your father did to you. You want to punish yourself by isolating yourself from everyone who loves you and everyone you love. You think we'll hate you and leave you, so you're pushing us away before we have a chance to. Am I close?"

Todd trembled. The muscles in his jaw tightened as he kept himself together. "There are enough people around here who are getting paid to shrink me. Why don't you just stick to your job and go work on those divorce papers."

Terry warned her that Todd would try to push her away. T�a tried to get a grip on her emotions and speak calmly. "You tell me. You tell me why you want a divorce."

"Come on, Delgado. You're the lawyer. You don't need me to list the grounds for you."

T�a looked to Susannah and Frank to see if she should stop and leave Todd alone. They motioned for her to continue.

"Yes I do! You're the one who wants this divorce. You tell me why! Did I do something to you? Did I hurt you in some way?"

"Yeah, you hurt me by asking too damn many questions," Todd quipped.

"And you know me and you knew I would, so I hope you came prepared with better answers than that! Why do you want a divorce?" T�a repeated.

Todd bit his lower lip. Damn it, Delgado, he thought. Todd ran his fingers through his hair. He took another deep breath through his nose. He had prayed he would not have to do this.

"Why do I want a divorce?" Todd repeated T�a's question. "Because I'm sick of you always being here! I'm sick of hearing your voice. I'm sick of you! All you ever were to me was a paid-for wife so I could keep my kid. Well now I don't want my kid with me, so I don't need you anymore." Todd took a step closer to T�a. "You always wanted to screw Andrew. Maybe it's not too late? Or how about Kevin? Or how about anyone but me, because I don't want you! I don't want you here and I don't want you in my life! Am I going to have to pay you another five million just to get rid of you! It'll be worth it! Now get out! Get out and don't come back!"

"No," T�a answered simply. The pain she saw on Todd's face kept the pain of his words from touching her. She knew he was trying to hurt her because he was trying to save her.

"No?" Todd could not believe she said that. "Is this some kind of sick game to you? Are you getting off by being the noble wife who stands by her demented husband?" Todd paused again. "The joke's on you! None of this is real! I thought I could get rid of you without hurting your feelings by pretending to be crazy. Okay! It backfired and I got stuck in this loony bin. I never figured I'd still be stuck with you too. I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me. Do I seem crazy to you now? Do you see a zillion people running around in my head now! No! This is what I get for trying to spare your feelings. You fell for this crazy act 'hook, line and sinker.' All of you . . . Viki, Sam, Doctor Hanen . . . everyone here fell for it, but none of them fell for it as much as you did!"

"You don't have to do this, Todd. You don't have to test me this way. I love you. I will never leave you. I understand why that's so hard for you to believe. People you�ve loved and trusted have lied to you. I walked out on you over and over again. I'm sorry. If I could take back those times, I would. I told you there is nothing you can ever say or do that will push me away again. So stop trying. It's not working."

Susannah and the staff were very relieved that T�a understood. They didn't know how much of this she could take. In her shoes, they didn't know how they would react.

"Don't make me hurt you," Todd warned.

T�a wanted to take Todd into her arms and comfort him so badly that she ached. "I'm not afraid of you, Todd. I don't see a monster when I look at you. I see a man that I love and respect and trust."

Seeing Todd was getting nowhere, Saber taunted, "Todd you are such a moron! Do I have to do all your thinking for you? Think! You're good at driving people away. Think of all the things that drove your mother away. Think of all the things she hated for you to do and say. Think of everything that made her leave. You know what will happen to T�a if she doesn't get away from you. You know, Todd. Don't make me have to show you and that pretty little wife of yours." Saber's head was throbbing and he was losing patience.

Again, Todd felt for T�a's foot with his cane. He got as close to her as he could get, without touching her.

T�a saw the staff move in when Todd got too close to her for their comfort. She held her hand up to let them know she was okay with this.

"You don't see a monster? You trust me? Okay, T�a. Since you trust me so much I'll tell you what I really think. I'll tell you what I've thought since the day I bought you. You're a fucking whore, T�a! You're a fucking expensive whore! And a fucking stupid one if you think I could ever love you . . . the janitor's daughter. You and your whole fucking family aren't good enough to shine my shoes."

Susannah and the staff saw tears well up in T�a's eyes. They saw the determination in them as well. They knew T�a meant what she said. She would not let Todd push her away.

Todd had never used language like that to T�a before. T�a remembered what she learned about Todd, unconsciously, never going against his mother's desire that he not use this kind of profanity. T�a realized Todd was doing everything he could think of doing, including saying things that Peter probably said to Barbara, that would make her leave, the way his mother did.

"You don't have to drive me away to protect me or to punish yourself, Todd. You don't have to let what your dad did to you make you afraid to keep me in your life." T�a's voice softened. "You won't horrify me by letting me see the monster you think is deep inside you. I've seen what's deep inside of you and it doesn't make me stop loving you. If anything it makes me love you more. I've seen all the good parts too, Todd. I've seen how much you want those parts to come out. I don't just love you when the good parts show. My love won't vanish if you do something you or anyone else thinks is bad. No matter what you do or want, I'm in this with you. Haven't I always shown you that and proven that to you? Haven't I always tried to help you get to the good parts and help you accept the parts you think are bad, and not hate yourself for them? I believe in you. I believe that you can be whatever you want to be. Don't be afraid. You won't hurt me, Todd. You won't hurt me by loving me or touching me."

Todd knew what T�a said was true. The only time he didn't see a monster and a pile of garbage in the mirror was when he saw his reflection through T�a's eyes. At times he was even able to find the innocent and good little boy he once was reflecting in those eyes. He wanted nothing more than to be in T�a's arms at that moment. He wanted to rest his head on her shoulder and feel the soft skin of her neck against his cheek. Todd wanted to breathe in the comforting scent of T�a's own chemistry mixed with the perfume she wore that made being next to her unique. It was a scent that made Todd feel encapsulated in safety and warmth, as long as he stayed in those arms. Being in T�a's arms had always made Todd feel like, just maybe, he was worth loving. It made him feel like anything was possible, even happiness. Todd pushed his feelings and needs away as firmly as he would push away anyone or anything that was trying to hurt T�a. Todd's jaw clenched tightly. He knew he had to protect her.

"How do you want me to touch you, T�a?" Todd whispered in her face. "Do you want me to rip your clothes off and rub my cock all over you and then stick it in your mouth? Do you want me to piss on you? I'm good at that. I'm really good at that." A tear trickled down Todd's cheek. His breathing was becoming erratic.

"I'm sorry your father made you do those things to your mom. Oh Todd, I'm so sorry that he hurt you and your mom so badly. Querido, please. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for what he did to you and your mother."

"WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET THROUGH TO YOU! IT'S NOT MY FATHER! IT'S YOU! I WANNA GET AWAY FROM YOU! NONE OF THAT SHIT ABOUT MY FATHER IS TRUE. IT'S ALL A LIE! I WANTED TO GET AWAY WITH TAKING EVERYONE HOSTAGE AND I THOUGHT I COULD GET RID OF YOU AT THE SAME TIME SO I PRETENDED TO BE CRAZY! IT'S ALL ONE BIG FUCKING LIE! MY FATHER NEVER DID ANY OF THAT TO ME. IF ANYTHING, HE SPOILED ME ROTTEN. SO DID MY MOTHER. SHE WANTED TO TAKE ME WITH HER BUT I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY DAD! I WANTED TO STAY WITH HIM! MY MOTHER WAS A WHORE, LIKE YOU! I KNEW I'D HAVE IT EASY WITH MY DAD. HE WAS GOOD TO ME. HE WAS! HE LET ME DO WHATEVER I WANTED. MY MOM BEGGED ME TO GO WITH HER, BUT I DIDN'T WANT A WHORE IN MY LIFE THEN AND I DON'T WANT ONE NOW! MY MOM BEGGED LIKE YOU DID! SHE BEGGED FOR LOVE LIKE A DOG! SHE BEGGED ME TO STAY WITH HER WHEN I VISITED HER IN THE CABIN. SHE LOVED ME MORE THAN MY FUCKING STEPFATHER, BUT I WANTED TO GO BACK TO MY DAD. IT'S ALL ONE BIG FUCKING LIE. MY DAD NEVER HURT ME. MY MOM LOVED ME! SHE WANTED TO KEEP ME. SHE LOVED ME! SHE LOVED ME! SHE LO . . ."

"Todd" plopped down on the floor in a cross-legged position. He buried his face in his hand and sobbed.

T�a was shocked by Todd's sudden change. She knelt down next to him. "Todd. Querido. Your mom did love you. She loved you very much."

"Mama didn't want us," Braver managed to get out, between sobs.

"We didn't lie. Mama did send us away," Scared cried.

T�a heard two different child voices. She didn't recognize either. She had never met Scared and Braver.

"I know he did. I'm sorry. Todd became frightened and he was trying to get me to leave," T�a comforted.

"Todd" lifted his head and looked up at T�a. The crying stopped. "They're telling the truth ma'am. Scared and Braver never lie. Neither do Sarah and me."

T�a became a little anxious when she realized four alters were out at the same time and that these were the young twin girls she heard about. "Are you Lisa?" T�a asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I am. This is my sister." Lisa pointed to her left.

"Hi! I'm Sarah," the little girl said brightly. "You're pretty! Todd thinks you're real pretty and he loves you. Some day someone's going to think I'm real pretty and fall in love with me."

T�a smiled. "You are already very beautiful. And there are a lot of people who love you right now. They love all of you."

"Nobody loves us. Nobody wants to be our daddy or mama," Scared said. He started to cry again.

Susannah approached them. She knelt down next to T�a. She rubbed T�a's arm and whispered, "You were great with Todd." Susannah turned to the children. She slipped the elastic band from Todd's cane off of Scared's wrist and put it aside. "Hi. Do all of you remember me?"

Each of four different voices said "Yes."

"Do all of you remember Viki and Sam?" Susannah asked.

Again they all answered yes.

"Viki and Sam love all of you very, very much. They want to be like a mama and a daddy to all of you. They are here in the hospital. Would you like to see them?"

"Do you think Viki will let me try on her bracelet if she's wearing it?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah! It's not nice to ask," Lisa admonished her twin.

"Lisa," Susannah began. "I know your mama taught you that, and she's right. Sometimes it's impolite to ask. Here we have different rules and it's okay for any of you to ask for anything at all that you want. If we can get it for you or do it for you, we will, as long as it isn't something that could hurt you."

Lisa looked into Susannah's eyes. "We don't want to get sent away, ma'am."

"We're afraid we'll get sent back to the man," Sarah added.

"Sarah, shhhh!" Lisa put her finger up to her lips.

Susannah, the staff in the room, and T�a all remembered what happened to Lisa and Sarah when Peter brought them home, after Todd had run off to his mother's summerhouse when he was ten.

Tears came to T�a's eyes when she thought of what Susannah, Viki and Sam had told her about the unspeakable tortures those young girls had gone through. She remembered how horrified she was to learn that Peter had dragged the girls to the basement and tied them up. He kept them there for a week while he beat, burned, stomped on, starved and sodomized them, as he tried to get them to tell him where their mother was. Sadly, the girls had no idea because they had come out for the first time when Todd was already on the plane, heading back to Chicago. Peter only stopped his torture when he realized that Todd was dying at his hand. Peter did not want to lose the income that Todd brought in.

"I promise all of you that you will never, ever be sent back to Todd's father. You are safe now. The man can never come here. No one will hurt you. And T�a is right. There are a lot of people here who love all of you very much," Susannah stated firmly.

"Do you think Mama is ever coming back for us?" Braver asked.

"Mama loves her new husband. She loves him more than us and she wants to stay with him now," Scared told his brother and then started to cry again.

Lisa patted Scared on the head. "Mama Carol loves you a lot. So does Papa."

"We know," Braver admitted. "But our real mama don't love us." He and Scared broke into sobs again.

"I'm glad we don't know who our real mama and daddy are," Sarah announced. "This way if they don't love us, we don't know it. Right, Lisa?"

"It only matters that Mama and Papa love us, Sarah. We don't need a real mama and papa," Lisa told her sister.

"Me and Braver try to be good boys. Why don't Mama love us? Why don't Mama's new husband want to be our daddy?" Scared wept.

Susannah sat down on the floor, next to them. Not knowing what else to do, so did T�a.

"Boys are you both sitting down?" Susannah asked.

The boys nodded.

"Girls, I'd like you both to sit here too, so we can all talk."

"Yes, ma'am," Lisa answered for both of them.

When Susannah was sure everyone was comfortable, she began. "Let's talk about the boys' real mama for a while and see if we can figure this out. Do you know anything about what mama's life was like?"

"Uh-huh," Braver answered. "Mama stopped loving Todd, so she left the house in Chicago and she got a new husband to love instead."

"No, hon. Mama never stopped loving Todd or any of you. Mama loved all of you very much, always." Susannah corrected their perception.

"No! Nobody loves us! Daddy hates us and so does Mama's new husband and so does Mama. They all know we can't be loved. Daddy told all of us all the time that no one can love us," Braver stated.

"He did," Scared cried. "He said no one can love us or even like us because we're bad and losers and garbage and ugly and we never should have been born."

Sarah started to weep.

"Did Todd's daddy say that to you girls, too?" Susannah asked.

"Yes, ma'am. He did. It doesn't matter." Lisa turned to her sister. "Sarah, it doesn't matter. He's not our real daddy. It doesn't matter what he thinks."

"I know!" Sarah said. "I don't feel sad for us. I feel sad for Scared and Braver." Sarah put her arms around the boys. "I love you," she assured them.

T�a started to cry as well. She wanted to excuse herself for fear she would upset them. She was also afraid that she would hurt them by leaving, so she did her best to pull herself together.

"Boys," Susannah began again. "Your dad was being mean and he was trying to hurt you because he was a very angry and sick man. He really hated himself and he took it out on Todd and all of you who live inside Todd's body. I'm sorry, but your dad lied to you. The truth is that you are all very good, smart, brave and lovable. I know it's hard to believe that when someone has told you bad things about yourself over and over again. So I think we need to go about this logically and make a list." Susannah turned to Frank. "Can you please get me a pad and pen from my desk?"

"Here ya go," Frank handed Susannah what she asked for.

"Okay, let's make a list of everyone who loves you and likes you. Who wants to start?"

"Sarah said she loves us," Scared whispered.

"That's right," Susannah affirmed. "So I will write down Sarah's name."

"I love you, too. So does Mama Carol and Papa," Lisa reminded them.

"Do you boys agree? Do you feel loved by Lisa, Mama Carol and Papa?" Susannah probed.

The boys both thought for a few seconds.

"I agree," Braver said.

Scared nodded in agreement.

"I will add Lisa, Mama Carol and Papa to the list." Susannah wrote the names and held out the list to show all four children.

"Me and Scared love Lisa and Sarah, too," Braver spoke up.

Susannah wrote some more and held the list up again.

"Tell me who lives outside of Todd that loves all of you very much?" Susannah prompted.

"Viki," Sarah said shyly.

"That's right!" Susannah confirmed happily. "Viki loves all of you very much. Do you all agree that we should add Viki's name to the list?"

They all nodded.

"Name someone else who loves all of you," Susannah encouraged.

"Sam?" Scared said this more like a question.

"Yes! Very good, Scared. Sam loves all of you very much, too. He and Viki love all of you with all their heart. They will be so happy if they get a chance to spend some time with all of you," Susannah assured them.

"Do you like us?" Sarah asked Frank and Eileen?

"We like you very, very much," Frank told them.

"We sure do," Eileen added.

"Should we ask Angelo, Dan and Janet?" Susannah queried.

Lisa shrugged. The others all nodded.

"Lisa, why don't you ask the others if they like you?" Susannah gently suggested.

"Yes ma'am," Lisa replied. With her eyes cast down and in a whisper, Lisa asked, "Do you like us?"

"Lisa, we like all of you so much."

"You bet we do. You make us love coming to work."

"You all are very lovable kids. I like and care very much about all of you."

Janet, Dan and Angelo answered respectively.

Lisa surprised them by looking up, right at them. "Really?" Her voice was barely audible.

"Really and truly, honey," Janet answered for the three of them.

"We can add my name to the list," Susannah told them. "I like all of you very, very much and I love to spend time with you more than anything." Susannah held up the pad again. "Wow, this is some big list we have here."

"Doctor Hanen, please add my name to the list," T�a requested. She looked at the children. "I love all of you more than anything or anyone in the whole world."

Sarah moved over and snuggled up to T�a. "I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up."

"I think you are going to be the most terrific person whoever lived, when you grow up," T�a told the young girl. She squeezed her in a hug.

"Will you show me how to make my hair pretty like yours?" Sarah asked T�a timidly.

"I will comb and brush your hair for you any time you want," T�a promised.

Sarah clapped her hands together in glee. "Lisa! T�a's gonna fix my hair. Maybe she can brush and comb your hair too and make it beautiful."

"That's okay," Lisa said sadly. "I know I'm not pretty. It's not important to me."

T�a put her index finger under Lisa's chin and lifted her face to her. "Lisa, you are beautiful. Both of you are. I would love to brush and comb your hair too, if that would be all right with you?"

Lisa looked at T�a with large, sad eyes. "Mama Carol does that when I'm inside. But you can do it when I'm out here if you want."

"I want to very much. Maybe we can do it later?"

"If we came to stay with you, would you want to keep us or would you want to send us away too?" Scared asked T�a.

"I want to live with all of you for the rest of my life. If you were living with me, I'd never want you to leave." T�a meant this from the bottom of her heart.

"Cause you love us?" Braver asked meekly.

"Yes. Because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life," T�a confirmed.

"Then how come our real mama don't love us?" Scared asked and started to cry again.

"I know you all know that the boys� mama left to marry Charles. Do any of you know what Mama's life was like before she left?" Susannah asked.

"I know!" Scared proclaimed. "I heard Thomas talk about it. Todd's dad used to hit Mama all the time and he did bad stuff to her. He yelled at her and called her bad names. Mama drank a lot of the booze drink and it made her talk funny and sometimes it made her go to sleep and she left Todd and everyone all alone cause they couldn't wake her up. Todd's dad would do really bad things when Mama fell asleep from the booze drink."

"Do you know why your mama drank so much?" Susannah posed.

"Because she hated having us for her kid," Braver responded.

Susannah looked into the boys' eyes. "Did your mama ever tell you that?"

"No. Daddy told us. He told us all the time. He said that Mama became a drunk and then left cause she hated being around us cause we're bad all the time and a disappointment and a heartache," Braver repeated his father's words.

"He said Mama wanted to have a good son with her new husband because we were such losers. He said Mama couldn't wait to get rid of us when we found her." Scared started to cry again.

Susannah put her arm around them. Scared rested his head on her shoulder. She held them for a few minutes until the tears stopped.

"Let's see if we can figure out how Mama really felt," Susannah said softly. "Did Thomas ever say that Mama acted like she didn't like him?"

"No," both boys answered.

"But he don't understand why Mama went away without him. He says she promised to take him with her or take them both to Grandpa Tom."

"Do you boys understand that Grandpa Tom died?" Susannah asked.

They nodded.

"Thomas says that means Mama wanted him with her forever and ever."

"It sounds to me like your Mama never wanted to leave any of you. It also sounds like it was your daddy that she was very unhappy with and that it was your daddy she wanted to get away from. Does that make sense to you?"

The boys thought about Susannah's question for a few moments and then nodded.

"Would you boys say your daddy was mean some times?"

"He was mean all the time," Sarah piped up.

"Sarah, Doctor Hanen asked the boys," Lisa corrected her sister.

"Oops," Sara covered her mouth with her hand.

"It's all right for you to join in and say whatever comes to your mind girls," Susannah assured them. "It might help the boys to understand. Do you boys agree with what Sarah said?"

"Yeah, that's what Thomas says. He hates Daddy. He says our mama loves him. She told him he was a good boy," Braver stated.

"Maybe she just loved Thomas and not us?" Scared asked. His chin quivered.

"You all live inside Todd's body. Mama loved all of you the same," Susannah reassured them. "Now, if Daddy was mean all the time then he was mean to Mama all the time too, right?"

They all nodded.

Susannah posed a question to them. "Do you all think that Mama drank enough to make her go to sleep because she was afraid of your daddy and she didn't want to feel the pain he caused her?"

They were all very quiet for a few minutes. Slowly, each of them nodded.

"Do you think that Mama might have been so afraid of your daddy and so sick from the booze she drank to dull her pain that maybe she wasn't thinking straight all the time?"

"It's hard to think when you're scared," Braver admitted.

"Yeah," Scared agreed.

"Yes it is. It can be very hard to think straight under those conditions," Susannah confirmed. "Perhaps Mama thought even her new husband couldn't protect her and all of you so she sent you back, thinking it would be the best way to keep you from getting hurt, because she couldn't think straight. Do you think that might have been what happened?"

"Thomas said Daddy always told Mama that she and Todd were his property and if she took Todd away he would find them wherever they went and he would kill them," Scared declared.

Susannah was happy to hear that Thomas was sharing information with the other alters that he lived with. More of the walls that compartmentalized their memories were crumbling. Scared, Braver, Lisa and Sarah did not have the full picture of what life had been like before Barbara Manning left Todd to live in his house of horrors on his own. Braver and Scared only knew life from the day Todd's mom told him she was sending him back to Peter. Lisa and Sarah only knew what happened from the moment they "were born" when Todd was getting on the plane that took him back to Chicago. Now, Thomas and possibly Andy and the other children who existed in that part of Todd's system were sharing their memories with them. Still, Susannah knew how difficult it was for a child to understand a mother abandoning him or her, nevertheless abandoning them to a life of torture. Susannah wondered if perhaps Charles was also abusive. It would be common for a woman with Barbara's history to find herself going from one abusive relationship to another. Perhaps Barbara knew that Todd would not have had it much better with Charles?

"It sounds to me like Mama must have been very afraid for you and for herself and she had no idea how to protect you or herself," Susannah suggested.

"Do you think Mama sent us back cause she thought we'd get hurt worse if we stayed with her?" Braver asked.

"Yes I do," Susannah answered. "It might have been that Mama's new husband didn't like children, any children. It's possible that Mama didn't know that when she married him. She might have thought she would be able to bring Todd and all of you to live with her when she first left, but then realized that life would not have been any better for all of you with her new husband. On top of that, she was afraid of what Todd's dad would do."

"Then maybe she did love us?" Scared questioned.

"I think Mama loved you very, very much. She was in a bad way and she didn't know any other way out of it. She thought she was doing what was best for you."

"Yeah, Mama loved us, Braver," Scared said to his twin.

"And Daddy lied to us. He's mean all the time and he lied to us," Braver stated angrily.

"Yes, your daddy lied to you. He was angry and possibly hurt when your mother left. He wanted to make all of you feel as bad as he did. He wanted to blame someone because, in his heart, he knew it was his fault. Do you all understand that?"

They all nodded.

"Okay, so let's go over what we figured out," Susannah began. "Braver, why don't you start."

"Mama didn't want to leave Todd. Daddy hurt her and made her want to drink the booze drink and she couldn't think straight. So she didn't take Todd or Thomas or anyone with her cause she thought it would get them killed."

"Very good!" Susannah praised. "Yes, Braver that is what we figured out. Scared, what else did we figure out?"

"That Mama really wanted to keep us when we were in the summerhouse. She really loves us. She was afraid her new husband wouldn't be nice to us and he wouldn't protect her and us from Daddy. She thought Daddy would hurt us worse if she kept us. She loves us! Mama loves us."

"Good job, Scared. You did a very well figuring out what happened too. Okay, this is for all of you. What else did you figure out today?"

They all thought for a few minutes.

"I know," Lisa spoke timidly.

"Go ahead, sweetheart. Tell us," Susannah encouraged.

"That a whole lot of people love us."

"Yeah, Viki and Sam and T�a and everybody loves us and likes us and Lisa and me are beautiful."

"Yes! You've got it, Sarah. Great job, Lisa! You are all very lovable and you are loved so very much out here. And inside you are loved very much by Papa and Mama Carol and each other and you are all very beautiful."

"We got a whole bunch of people who love us," Sarah said. She hugged herself joyously as she rocked her body from side to side.

"When all of you go back inside, can you tell Thomas and the others what you learned here today?" Susannah asked.

"Yes, ma'am," Lisa promised. "I think it will make Thomas happy and maybe he won't be so mad all the time."

"I'll tell everyone too," Sarah called out.

"Me and Scared will too, right Scared?" Braver looked toward his brother.

Scared nodded.

"Yeah, Mama's brain got all messed up from the booze drink. She didn't really want to leave us," Braver affirmed.

"That's right. It's very hard to think straight when you drink a lot of booze," Susannah told them again.

"I don't like the way the booze stuff tastes," Sarah chimed in.

"Sarah, hush!" Lisa gave her sister a frightened look.

"It's all right to talk about anything here. There are a lot of people here to keep you safe. No one will hurt you, no matter what you tell us. Todd's dad can't ever come here," Susannah reminded them. Then she asked, "Would any of you feel more comfortable talking to me alone. I promise no one's feelings will be hurt if you do."

They all shook their head. It didn't seem to be T�a or some of the staff members� presence that bothered them. Like the others, they were well conditioned to keep the horrifying secrets of abuse for fear that severe punishment awaited them or those they loved if they told.

"Did Todd's dad make you drink the booze stuff?" Susannah remembered Rocky telling them how Peter tried to force liquor on the girls when he got them home from the summerhouse.

"It tasted yucky!" Sarah declared.

Lisa started to tremble. "Hush, Sarah," she whispered.

"Lisa, would you like a hug?" Susannah asked.

"I didn't ask!" Lisa's tone was one of panic.

"I know you didn't, honey. I offered. I thought you could use a hug and I could use a hug, too," Susannah said gently.

"Yes, ma'am. I would like a hug," Lisa whispered.

Susannah put her arm around Lisa's shoulder and hugged her tightly as she gently rocked her. "Lisa, it's all right to talk about what happened. It happened a long time ago. I think your mama and papa wanted you to come out so that you could talk about what happened after you came out on the plane. Maybe Mama Carol and Papa Goodone know that you will all feel better if you are able to talk about what happened to you. Hmmmm?"

"The man hurt us," Sarah said softly. A tear slid down her cheek.

Lisa began to cry. She buried her head in Susannah's shoulder. "I don't want to hear," she pleaded.

"Lisa, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't cry. I don't wanna talk about the man any more either." Now Sarah began to cry in earnest.

Susannah felt Sarah lift her arm as she joined in on the hug.

Susannah's instincts told her that both girls had to be ready to tell their secrets. "All right. Shhhh. You don't have to hear it or talk about it right now." Susannah gave them a few minutes to calm. "Lisa, Sarah, Braver, Scared, you all draw so beautifully. How would you all like to go to the art room for a while?"

"I love to draw," Braver stated.

"Me too," Scared chimed in.

Susannah hugged the girls a little tighter. "Lisa, Sarah, how about you? Would you like to go to the art room for a while?"

Sarah wiped her eyes and looked up at Susannah. "If Lisa wants to, I'd like to go."

As soon as Sarah said what she wanted to, Lisa took over Todd's body again. Lisa's head was once again buried in Susannah's shoulder. She was still crying softly. "Lisa, how about you? Hmmmm? Would you like to paint or draw something? We also have clay you can work with and some other things. Do you think you would like to go to the art room too, sweetheart?" Susannah coaxed.

Lisa nodded without lifting her head. "I like to draw and paint."

Susannah stroked Lisa's head. "And you draw and paint so beautifully. I love looking at all of your artwork."

Lisa lifted her head. "I have to go to make sure everyone behaves anyway."

Susannah gave Lisa a gentle squeeze. "So it's settled. Now I'll call Laura and see if she can have a session with you now or if we have to wait a little while."

Sarah leaned into T�a while Susannah was on the phone. "Do you wanna be my friend?"

T�a smiled. She put her arm around the young girl. "I would love to be your friend, yours too, Lisa. I'd love to be a friend to you too, Scared and Braver."

The boys exchanged looks. They poked each other with their elbow and giggled. "We never had a grown up lady to be friends with before," Braver announced.

"Lisa and Sarah play with us. Are you too old to play with us?" Scared asked timidly.

T�a laughed. "I think I can manage to get these old bones of mine to work well enough for me to play with you."

"Mama Carol said it was okay to play with Andy again. But then he got real sad and didn't want to play with anyone anymore," Scared informed them.

"Is Andy still feeling sad?" Eileen asked.

"He's real sad. He said he got to meet Todd and Todd was nice to him and Todd's daddy hurt Todd, too. Andy says he's gonna kill him and Todd with a big knife so it won't hurt anymore. Mama and Papa told him that they love him very much and they'd be very sad if he hurt himself and Todd. Andy liked being with Todd again so now he doesn�t know what to do. Andy misses Timmy. The lady Timmy stays with won't let Andy play with Timmy," Braver filled Eileen in.

Eileen saw that the tape recorder Susannah put out when the two sets of twins came out was still going. She knew she would get to hear what Braver said about Andy.

"Good news. We can all go to the art room," Susannah announced.

"T�a's our friend now. Can she come, too?" Sarah asked. "Doctor Hanen said we could ask for whatever we want and we won't get sent away," Sarah reminded her sister when Lisa gave her "a look."

"I'd love to go to the art room. If it's okay with the rest of you," T�a added.

T�a heard three different voices welcoming her to go with them. T�a tried not to stare. She could not get over the four of them being out at once. At first, it had been disconcerting to see the sudden movement in Todd's arms, legs and head and to see the rapidly changing facial expressions and hear the different voices. Soon T�a was able to easily tell one child from the other. Before she knew it, she felt like she was there with four different children.

*******************

After Susannah explained the situation to her, Laura addressed all the children. "Let's do something special today. Let's draw or make something that shows feelings."

"Feelings?" Sarah looked confused.

"Yes. You can make something that makes you feel sad, or angry, or happy, or frightened, or loved. You can do it any way you want. You can draw or paint or use the clay or make a collage," Laura explained. "We have all kinds of things already cut up that you can paste on a board or on oak tag to make a collage."

T�a, Susannah, Laura, and the children sat around a table in the art room. Susannah, Laura and T�a were drawing with crayons. They wanted the alters to feel comfortable and not as if they were being observed. Frank, Angelo, Dan and Eileen waited just outside the room.

This time, Sarah worked with watercolors and Lisa with pastels. The boys worked together, as a team, with crayons.

T�a, and even Laura and Susannah, would steal glances at Todd's body as he quickly switched hands and art materials, along with body language and facial expressions and voices, as the alters spoke with each other. They were all in awe of Todd.

"We're happy because Mama really wanted us to stay with her. So we're drawing happy. It's a picture of Mama and us," Scared announced.

"My picture is gonna be a surprise," Sarah said brightly.

Lisa said nothing. She quietly drew.

"You did Mama's hair real good," Scared complimented his brother.

"Mama has beautiful hair," Braver remembered. "You got her eyes good," Braver praised Scared.

"I put lots of love in them because Mama really loves us," Scared informed Braver.

Susannah saw tears trickle down T�a's cheeks.

T�a quickly wiped them away and hoped none of the children noticed.

All four of them were working intently on their artwork for a while longer before Sarah called out, "I finished mine. I drew love. That's a good feeling, right?"

"That's a very good feeling," Susannah confirmed.

Sarah held up a painting of T�a. A little girl with long blonde hair and very sad brown eyes was holding her right hand. The girl had a serious look on her little face. Holding T�a's other hand was a pretty little girl with curly dark hair and bright blue eyes that seemed to dance. This little girl had a big smile on her face. On the bottom, Sara wrote, "T�a loves us and we love T�a."

More tears formed in T�a's eyes. She looked at the painting. She could not get over the likeness. It was the most incredible picture of herself she had ever seen. Todd's talent amazed T�a. She remembered what Sam told her, when the girls first came out. He described the way the girls saw themselves. T�a knew the sad blonde girl was Lisa and the happy dark-haired girl was Sarah.

With a big smile on her face, T�a said, "Sarah! What a beautiful picture. I love it! And I love all of you. Can I ask you a big favor?"

Sarah nodded.

"Can I have the painting to take home with me so I can get it framed and hang up where I can see it all the time?"

The biggest smile in the world stretched across Sarah's face. "You're gonna frame it and hang it up just like a real painting?"

"It is a real painting, by a very talented artist, you!" T�a started to walk toward Sarah, with the intention of hugging her.

"No!" Lisa cried out. "Please don't look at my picture. It's private."

"All right. I'm sorry, Lisa," T�a apologized. "I'll stay back here."

"I'm finished drawing, Lisa. I'll sit here real quiet while you finish yours and I won't look," Sarah assured her twin.

The boys finished their drawing while Lisa continued to work on hers. They showed everyone a picture of Barbara Manning hugging two identical strawberry blonde, blue eyed, and freckle-faced young boys. The only way one could tell them apart was that Scared was slightly thinner and shorter than Braver. All of them had big smiles on their faces. The boys wrote, "How Mama and us would have been happy if Daddy wasn't mean," on their drawing.

"Wow! Boys that is a great picture!" Susannah exclaimed. "You know, I think what you wrote on the bottom is very true. I think your mama would have been very happy if she could have had all of you to hold and hug all the time."

Susannah was happy to see that most of Scared's face was no longer hidden as it had been in his other pictures. Now Scared was starting to see himself as whole, and facing the world.

The boys were beaming. Susannah was also happy to see that the extrapyramidal symptoms Scared had exhibited, when they were on Zyprexa, seemed to be gone. She had been observing him since he came out and he had no trouble with his vision. His movements were smooth as well.

The boys whispered together, then Braver asked, "Do you think we can send our picture to Mama? Maybe she can look at it when her new husband isn't home?"

T�a bit her lip to keep from crying again. She knew if she started, she wouldn't be able to stop. Susannah and Laura's eyes welled up with tears, too. They all realized the boys had no idea how much time had passed, let alone that their mama had died many years ago.

Susannah wanted to put her arm around them. She kept her distance, because as the boys conversed with them, Lisa was still working on her drawing.

"Boys," Susannah began. "I'm sure Mama would have loved to see this drawing. The thing is, I don't think it would be a good idea to send her anything."

Braver and Scared exchanged looks. "Yeah, Daddy might find out where Mama is if he buys someone that works in the mail office. Remember? Daddy says he can own anyone he wants, even the police and our teachers and everyone at school, and he'll find out if we open our big stupid yaps to anyone," Braver reminded Scared.

"I remember," Scared said sadly. "I wish Mama could have our picture."

"I know I'm not your Mama, but I wish I could have that picture to hang in my office," Susannah told them. "This way I can see all those happy feelings and two of my favorite guys every time I'm in my office."

"You wanna see us?" Braver asked.

"We're really two of your favorite guys?" Scared added.

"You certainly are. I would feel sooooo good if I could look at your picture of 'happy' all the time."

Scared and Braver had smiles on their faces once again. "Are you gonna put it in a frame like T�a's gonna do with Sarah's picture?" Scared asked.

"I surely am," Susannah promised. "Once I get the frame, perhaps both of you can come to my office and help me decide where to hang it."

"Yeah!" they both answered enthusiastically and high-fived each other.

T�a had been watching in amazement. Except for a spilt second, when Scared needed to use it, Todd's left hand continued to draw as Scared and Braver spoke with Susannah, and before that when Sarah spoke with her. T�a noticed Lisa beginning to tremble. Susannah and the staff noticed it, too.

"I'm finished," Lisa whispered without lifting her head. "Sarah," she called and held her hand out.

"Okay," Braver said. "Lisa and Sara went inside," Braver informed everyone. "Lisa wants me to tell you she's sorry to be rude and not say goodbye."

Scared seemed to be listening to something. "Lisa's crying."

"It's okay. Look!" Braver pointed. "Mama Carol came for her. She's holding her. Mama Carol will make it all better."

"Uh-oh! Mama's calling us, too," Scared said to his brother. He turned to T�a, Susannah and Laura. "Mama has to be with Lisa now and she wants us to come back and play with Thomas. He gets extra mad when both Mama and Papa are busy. I wanna give him happy feelings and tell him Mama really loved us."

The boys ran over to T�a. Braver kissed T�a on her left cheek and Scared kissed her on the right one.

"I'm glad you're our friend now," Scared said.

"Me too," Braver declared. "Bye! We have to go now."

"What?" Todd's voice sounded far away and confused. Todd felt his wrist and moved his hand around. "Where's my cane?"

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in the art room. Hold on for just a minute and we'll get your cane for you."

Frank, Eileen, Dan and Angelo, came into the room as soon as they heard Todd's voice. The cane was still in the dayroom, where Todd last had it. Eileen rushed to get it.

"Why am I in an art room?" Todd asked anxiously.

"Todd you weren't inside that long . . . only a couple of hours. While you were . . ."

"Never mind." Todd cut Susannah off. "I don't wanna know. Who else is here?"

"Frank, Angelo and Dan are in the room. Laura is here. She's an art therapist . . ."

Todd cut Susannah off again. "Are Sam and Viki here?"

"No, they're probably in the lounge or the cafeteria," Susannah guessed.

Todd swallowed hard. He pulled his hair back off his face. "Is Delgado here?" he whispered

T�a and Susannah exchanged looks. Susannah nodded.

"I'm right here, Todd."

Despite T�a speaking softly, Todd jumped. "FRANK!" Todd bellowed.

"I'm right here, buddy." Frank walked up to him.

"Take me back to my room."

"Todd, please don't run away from me," T�a pleaded.

Todd knew he had lost time in front of T�a again. There was no point in trying to get her to believe that he wasn't really "crazy."

Eileen came in with Todd's cane. "Todd. Here you go, hon. Here's your cane."

Todd held his hand out. Eileen handed him the cane. "Am I facing the way outta here?"

"Yes. It's straight ahead," Frank told him.

"Todd, please!" T�a called out. "Talk to me. I promise you won't hurt me. Querido, please. You're not alone in this. We're in this together. You're a part of me. I won't let you shut me out again."

Todd stopped dead in his tracks. He turned in the direction of T�a's voice. He once again felt for her foot. When the cane touched it, he stopped just short of making physical contact with her. "You promise I won't hurt you! You promise that? Do you have any idea what you're promising?"

"Yes, Todd. I do. I know because I also know how much you love me. All your tries at pushing me away didn't work."

"Love? You think love is enough to keep you safe? You think you can wrap yourself in love like it's some kind of fortress and nothing can hurt you! All my life I've watched those I love get hurt because of me, including you! I tried to protect you!"

T�a didn't know if Todd realized he just admitted his love for her. She didn't press the point. "I know you've hurt people, Todd. I know you wanted to hurt some of them and some of them you never meant to hurt. I know you never meant to hurt me. And it was never, never your fault that your mom got hurt. Your love did not hurt her. Your dad hurt her."

"You shut up about my mom and dad. This is about you and me. This is about you being really stupid for someone who's so smart. You have no idea, Delgado! You have no idea what I'm capable of. You don't know what kind of sick, twisted, perverted things I'm capable of, and you'd better thank God that you don't know, and then get on your knees and give thanks that you never had to find out."

"Todd, I know what you were forced to do. I know that you were abused and made to do things that you had no choice about doing. You don't have to go on punishing yourself for crimes that were committed against you!"

"Shut up! You shut up! Shut up!" Todd paused for a moment. "Go ahead, Delgado. Isn't that your cue to walk? You should have walked. All those times you did, you should have stayed away. You gave me four weeks and all I did with those four weeks was hurt you over and over again. Did love stop that? NO! You don't know. You have no idea what's in store for you. You think you know me. You have no idea." A tear slid down Todd's cheek.

"That's where you're so wrong. Todd, I can't say I know what it's like to have the things done to me that were done to you. What I do know is that, despite it all, miraculously your ability to love was left intact. I know your ability to feel love has been badly damaged, but mi amor, I know without a doubt that you can love. You have proven that to me and to Starr . . . to Sam and Viki and Jess . . . to Blair . . . to your mom . . . even your dad. Todd, your love might not be the easiest or prettiest love, but it's the strongest and most intense love I have ever known and I don't regret becoming a part of your life and getting to experience that love for one moment. I won't let you or anyone take it away from me."

Todd knew his love for T�a was just as she said. He felt the intensity envelop him. He was terrified, not for himself. He was terrified for T�a. He did not know how to get through to her. "You're wrong, Del . . . T�a. You're as wrong about my love as you are about me. I used you. That's what I do. I use people. I hurt people. I rape people. I get them hurt and they die! Don't flatter yourself. You were just one more person that I used. I wanted Starr. You were my means to get her. Then I needed someone to play mommy to her so no one would take her away from me. Love never figured into it. Now get out."

"Todd, ple . . .

"Get out and stay out."

"Todd. I'll go now, but I'm not letting you push me out of your live fore . . ."

"GET OUT!" Todd took the elastic off his wrist and raised his cane in the air.

Susannah motioned for the staff not to put Todd in a hold yet. Her instincts told her Todd was only trying to scare T�a.

"GET OUT! ARE YOU SOME KIND OF SICKO? DO YOU WANT ME TO HURT YOU! I WILL! I WILL!"

"NOOOOO! Don't hurt T�a!"

They all recognized Tom's voice.

Todd felt himself being pushed away. Those in the room saw Todd's body jerk back. "Oh God," Todd whimpered. He saw the small blond boy trying to protect T�a from him. Memories of himself, as a small boy, trying to protect his mother from the brutality his father inflicted on her flooded him. "I haaaaaate me." Todd cried out. The cane dropped.

Tom rushed to T�a and threw his arms around her. "T�a, please don't leave. I won't let Todd hurt you. He didn't mean to. He was thinking he loved you in his brain. It was only his outside that was being mean. T�a, please don't go away forever. I'm sorry I didn't stop Todd from being mean. Don't leave forever. I'll do anything. Please!" Tom was crying so hard he was choking on his words and gasping for breath between sobs.

"Shhhhh. Mijo. I'm not leaving. Shhhhh. It's all right. I know Todd was just trying to get me to leave for my own good. I know he really didn't want to hurt me. He didn't make me want to leave. Tom, shhhhh. I love you. I will never leave you. No matter how hard Todd tries to make me. I know Todd loves me in his brain. I know he was only pretending to be mean. Shhhhh." T�a hugged Tom tightly. She kissed his forehead.

Tears continued to stream down Tom's face. "I don't feel good."

Susannah knew the strain of the day had taken a toll on Todd's body. He was also due for a feeding and some of his medication. "Honey, you need to take a nap now. How about we go to your room. We'll get you tucked into bed and bring you some grape juice. Then you can lie down for a while and have a nap."

Tom held onto T�a. "Will you come with me and stay with me?"

"I would love to." T�a brushed his hair back. "Would you like me to read you a story?"

Tom nodded. "Do you promise that Todd didn't make you mad enough to go away and leave us forever?"

"I promise, mijo. Nothing will ever make me so mad that I will walk away from any of you again. Don't get scared if you hear me argue with Todd or anyone who lives with you. It only means that I love you so much that I'm willing to fight for you."

"Todd's heart gets all big with love for you and mine does, too. Only he gets scared cause he don't wanna hurt you. I'm not scared to love you. I'd never hurt you."

T�a kissed Tom's forehead again. She held him tightly. "I'm very glad that you're not scared to love me, mijo. I'm also glad that you let me love you, because I do. My heart gets all big with love for you, too."

Tom rested his head on T�a's shoulder. She could feel how weary he was.

"Let's go to your room, mijo. I'm a little tired myself."

Frank saw that Tom's legs could hardly hold him up. He put his arm around Tom's waist as they walked.

Tom took T�a's hand and they all walked to his room together. Susannah followed behind.

Laura looked at the picture Lisa drew. She gasped. Lisa had drawn a picture of herself and Sarah, lying tied up and naked, on their stomachs, on a cold, hard floor. Blood oozed from wounds that covered their bodies. A green and red, fire-breathing monster hovered over them. The fire from his mouth and nose reached their backs. The creature had a monstrous penis that reached to the girls' bottoms. Both girls' eyes were shut tightly and neither of them had a mouth. Laura stepped away from the table so her tears would not fall on the picture. She collected herself and put the picture away until Susannah had a chance to see it.

******************

Tom clung to T�a all the way back to his room. Once they got him to his bed, he started to cry again and held onto T�a tightly as she sat on the bed. He rested his head on her shoulder. He was too upset to drink his juice. They knew that he had been traumatized when he saw Todd threaten T�a. Even though Tom knew Todd would never have hit her with the cane, it brought back too many painful memories for him. After about twenty minutes, Tom cried himself to sleep in T�a's arms. Frank and Susannah helped her lower him to the bed. Todd's body was exhausted and Tom's sleep quickly deepened. He did not stir at all when they started the process of feeding and medicating him. As promised, T�a stayed in his room with him. They could see that T�a was almost as much in need of a nap as Tom was. A reclining chair was brought into the room for her so she could rest as well.

***************

On the way to Todd's room, Nancy told Susannah that Sam and Viki were in the family lounge. Once Tom had gone down, Susannah headed back to the art room. Susannah understood why Lisa needed to go back inside. The disclosure she made, in her picture, must have devastated the young girl. She was in desperate need of her mama's love and affection. Susannah then headed for the lounge to speak with Viki and Sam. She filled them in on what had transpired. She asked them to come to her office later on. She wanted to show them the pictures the children had painted and drawn, especially Lisa's. Susannah headed back to her office to make some phone calls and then she planned on having a quick lunch in the cafeteria. On her way there, she was surprised to see Dorian waiting for her at the nurses' station. Dorian�s reasons for being there were twofold.

**************

After her encounter with Todd, Blair had gone to Dorian's crying her eyes out. In her heart, Blair knew that Todd had little reason to trust her and every reason in the world to expect her to help him only if she got something out of it in return. She knew that in the past that was almost always the case. Almost every time she had come to Todd's rescue, there had been a hefty price tag for Todd to pay. She remembered how she tried to blackmail him into giving her full custody of Starr before she would tell Bo the truth and admit that Todd was with her at the time he was accused of raping Barbara Graham. To Blair's credit, she finally did clear Todd because it was the right thing to do, but she remembered how tempted she was to let Todd go back to Statesville for a decade or two for a crime she knew he didn't commit.

Many memories came back to Blair these days, and feelings of guilt flooded her. Blair felt horrible when she remembered that her first instinct was to steal all of Todd's money, after he found out she lied to him about the baby they lost. She knew his fury was deserved and still, instead of wanting to make it up to him, her first thought was to try to take his money. One of the other things that made Blair cringe and cry whenever she thought about it was the time she plotted with Max Holden and Ian Armitage to steal the Sun from Todd. Blair watched Todd take a sleazy tabloid, the Intruder, and turn it into a newspaper that consistently gave the Banner a run for the money. Blair, of all people, knew how much Todd's paper meant to him. She knew it was the one thing in his life that he was able to turn into a success. It was the one thing he had that was tangible proof to him that he wasn't always the loser his father said he was. When times were bad, the Sun had been Todd's lifeline and kept him hanging in there. It was the one thing he didn't screw up and the one place he could find a little peace. It gave him back some of the power life had taken away from him. Knowing this, Blair still schemed to take it from Todd. Now Blair wished she could take it all back. She knew if Todd didn't trust her, it was her own fault. She wondered if she would ever be able to win back that trust.

Dorian had put the usual spin on things and tried to comfort Blair. This time it did little to assuage Blair's guilt. Dorian assured Blair that it was Viki, Kevin and T�a who were turning Todd against her. She told Blair that once she got Todd under her protective care, she could make things up to him and he would come to realize who really loved him. Dorian was more furious than ever. How dare they hurt my niece this way? Those bastards! And using that sick boy to do it, Dorian thought. Once Blair left, Dorian thought this would be an excellent reason to ask Susannah Hanen to speak with her, in Susannah's office. "Now all I have to do is find a way to get the good Doctor Hanen out of her office for a few minutes, while I'm still there," Dorian said to herself, out loud.

******************

Once Dorian and Susannah were settled in Susannah's office, Dorian tried to make small talk. "Todd looked better the last time I saw him. Even though he's still dreadfully thin and pale. Has his anemia improved?"

"Mrs. Hayes. You know I can't discuss the specifics of Todd's condition with you, without Viki's consent," Susannah reminded Dorian.

"Well, for goodness sake. Viki is the one who told me all about Todd's various conditions in the first place. Do I need to remind you that Todd is my family, too? He's not only my nephew, he's also my stepson."

"I will be happy to discuss Todd with you, if I have Viki's consent to do so," Susannah repeated.

Dorian looked daggers at Susannah. "Well perhaps you can discuss my niece with me. Do I need Viki's consent for you to tell me why you are allowing Blair to be subjected to all kinds of abuse every time she visits her husband."

"Her ex-husband," Susannah corrected. "I'm sorry if Blair is upset. I know her last visit with Todd was very painful. However, I believe Blair is well aware of Todd's fragile mental condition and she knows he can be volatile. My door is always open to Blair, if she feels the need to talk about what happened or anything else."

"You all stood there and let Todd attack her!"

"It is my understanding that Todd merely brought up some incidences from their past and that Blair's behavior during their relationship gave Todd a legitimate reason to believe what he did. When Todd is ready, I will address his relationship with Blair with him and how it made him feel. If he wants Blair to participate in those sessions, and she is willing, I will have no problem with that," Susannah explained calmly, even though Dorian was getting on her nerves.

"I'm sure Blair will do anything necessary to help Todd. She cares deeply for him and he is the father of her child. As for their past, Blair was very good to Todd. She . . ." Dorian struggled for a few moments as she tried to think of something. "She went to Ireland to try to find him when the Irish police told her he was dead. She kept his newspaper going for him. She befriended him when no one in this town would even look at him or talk to him." Dorian knew that Blair quickly used that friendship, and Todd's vulnerability, to trick him into marrying her for his money. She realized Susannah knew this too. "They had a bumpy start, but my niece did grow to love Todd with all her heart." Dorian knew that Susannah would realize that was true as well. Blair finally did begin to love Todd, as much as Blair was capable of loving anyone.

"Yes, I know, Mrs. Hayes. Blair has filled me in on some of her past with Todd. As I said, if either Todd or Blair want to discuss their relationship with me, we will." Susannah was losing patience.

"Yes, of course," Dorian conceded. Now she needed to figure a way to get Susannah out of her office for a few minutes. "I would like to visit with Todd. If that's possible, do you think you can see if Todd or one of the alters is out. I would like to know if I will be dealing with a four year old, that charming Rodd, or someone in-between."

"Tom was out when I left Todd's room and Tom is sleeping. As you know, Todd has been through a lot today and . . ." The ringing of the telephone interrupted Susannah. "Excuse me," she said to Dorian.

Dorian sat quietly. Even she realized this was a lame way to get Susannah out of her office. Susannah did not need to go to Todd's room. If she was not sure if Tom was still out, all she had to do was have a nurse or tech check and get back to her.

"No, I'll be right there," Susannah said into the phone.

"Tom is having a nightmare. I need to go to him," Susannah informed Dorian.

"May I use your phone before I go? I realized on my way over here that I forgot my cell phone," Dorian asked sweetly.

Susannah remembered Dorian's last "trick." However, this time Susannah knew Todd's chart was not in her office and the tapes of his sessions that she accumulated over the course of his therapy were also safely tucked away. She had no qualms about leaving Dorian alone in her office. "Help yourself," Susannah responded and rushed to Tom's room.

As soon as she was sure Susannah was gone, Dorian looked around. There was no sign of Susannah's purse. Dorian smiled when she found the purse in the very first unlocked desk drawer she looked in. Dorian quickly took it out and carefully rummaged through it, making sure not to disturbed the contents. She found what she was looking for within a minute's time. Dorian put the purse back in exactly the position she found it in, closed the drawer and left Susannah's office. As Dorian approached the nurses' station she heard Tom crying and screaming. A fleeting moment of compassion gripped Dorian. The suffering Todd and those who lived inside him endured on a daily basis touched Dorian's heart and she did not wish this for him. He will be so much better off once he is away from Viki and the rest of them, Dorian told herself. Dorian approached Nancy. "Please tell Doctor Hanen that I realized now is not a good time for a visit with young Tom." With that, Dorian left the unit.

******************

Frank, Angelo, Dan, Terry, Steve and Eileen were on the floor with Tom. They already had him in a hold by the time Susannah got there. Tom seemed unaware of them. His connection with reality had been severed by the nightmare. T�a stood off, in a corner of the room. She was obviously shaken.

"Nooooooo! Get away! Mama! Mamaaaaa! Please! Dad, stooooop. Don't hurt Mama! It hurrrrrts! I'm sorry. Daddy, I'm sorry! I did it! Don't hurt Mama! No belt! Pleeeeease! No belt!" Tom's body lurched as he felt the buckle of Peter's belt rip into his flesh.

"Wake up, buddy. Tom, you're having a bad dream. Daddy's not here. He's gone. No one is hurting your mama. No belt. You're safe. It's Frank. I've got you. Feel my arms, Tom. Frank is holding you, not Daddy. No punishment."

Susannah stroked Tom's cheek as Eileen stabilized his head. "Tom, it's Doctor Hanen. Listen to my voice, honey. You don't have to confess to something you didn't do. Daddy is not here. Mama's okay. No one is hurting Mama. We will not let anyone hurt you or Mama. There is no Daddy here and no belt! Mama is okay and Tom is okay. We're holding Tom. Tom is safe. Shhhhhh."

Tom's struggling eased slightly.

Susannah turned to T�a. "Will you please get me a cool washcloth?"

T�a rushed to the bathroom and returned with the cool, wet washcloth.

Susannah gently pressed it against Tom's tear stained face. She then applied it to his neck and forehead.

Tom's eyes darted around the room, checking for impending danger. "Mama's okay," Tom whispered.

"Yes, honey. Mama's okay. Nothing is hurting Mama," Susannah spoke soothingly.

"No belt?" Tom whimpered.

"No belt. You're safe. No one will hurt you." Tom's body relaxed.

"Tom, if I let go of your head, no head butting. Do you promise?" Eileen asked.

"Yes," Tom cried.

"Okay, I'm letting go." Eileen released Tom's head.

"Can you keep your legs quiet? No kicking?" Dan asked.

Tom nodded. He let out a soft sob. He made no attempt to kick or get up.

Frank relaxed his hold. Tom turned around and snuggled against him. Tom's head rested on Frank's broad chest.

"I have to let my dad beat me. I gotta be beat. I let him."

"You let him do what, buddy?" Frank asked.

"I let Todd hurt T�a. It's my fault. He had a stick in his hand."

"No, honey. Todd didn't hurt T�a." Susannah reminded him. "Remember? You told us Todd didn't really want to hurt T�a. He was just trying to make her go away to protect her."

Tom buried his head in Frank's chest. "T�a left forever," he wept.

Susannah motioned T�a over.

T�a crouched down in front of Tom and Frank. "Mijo. No. I'm right here. I tucked you in. I read you a story. I told you Todd wouldn't get me to leave. I understand what Todd was trying to do. I know he really loves me and didn't want me to go away. He was afraid he'd hurt me. So he tried to push me out of his life and all of your lives. Mijo, you don't ever have to worry about that. I promise no one will ever push me out of your life. No matter what."

Tom turned around. He held onto Frank's strong, safe arms as they continued to encase him. With his head hung, Tom asked, "What if you stop loving us and find a new husband you love instead of us? Then you'll go live with him and leave us with the man and he'll hurt us even more than before."

T�a stroked Tom's head. She lifted his face by the chin. "That will never happen. Mijo, look at me."

Tom looked into T�a's eyes.

"I swear to you, that will never happen. Todd, and everyone who lives inside him, and I are bonded for life. It's something I know in my heart. I know I walked out on Todd before. I didn't understand things then. It's different now. I promise you. I swear to you on my life. I will never, ever leave any of you."

Tom stared into T�a's eyes. He felt safe and loved.

T�a did not realize someone other than Tom wanted to look into those eyes. He wanted to see the steel mixed with love and tenderness that always made him feel hope . . . hope that things could get better . . . hope in himself . . . hope that miracles exist and dreams he had for his life might possibly come true. It was only the strength and love he got from those eyes that made his dreams seem even remotely within his reach. He wanted to see that mouth. He wanted to hear the honesty that came from it . . . the laughter too. There were times that what came from that mouth made him feel as close to normal as he ever felt. There were also times that the words that came from that mouth made him feel smart, respected and wanted . . . attractive. The feelings were fleeting, but the only times he even felt a glimmer of any of those things was when he heard the words come out of that mouth and saw the love, wanting, admiration and respect in those eyes. That mouth and those eyes almost made him not feel like a fool for believing them. More than missing those eyes and that mouth, he needed them . . . he craved them. Desperation filled his being.

"It's all right. Don't be afraid. It's time. You don't need this anymore."

He heard the tender and caring voice. It became far away and distant as he felt a gentle push forward.

Frank felt Tom's body shudder.

T�a noticed the eyes that were staring into hers, change. She then saw them fill with shock.

He gasped. "Oh my God," he whispered in a trembling voice. "Delgado! I can see you." Todd continued to stare at T�a. "I can see you."

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT RS 2001/RHFC

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