PREVIOUSLY

Dorian shut the door behind Blair. She leaned her back against it and stared off into space, thinking. "Those bastards! How dare they hurt my niece that way? How dare they cause her so much pain? Hurting me and hurting Cassie wasn't enough for them. Now they have to go after Blair. Viki managed to turn Cassie against me time and time again. She thinks she can do the same with Blair," Dorian said out loud. Her lips curled into a sneer. "Think again, Victoria Lord Carpenter. Sam and the courts need to see that Doctor Hanen is out to hurt Todd. They need to see that Kevin is in on it and Viki is standing by and letting it happen. They need to see that all of them, including Todd's high priced wife, need to be out of his life forever!" Dorian thought again for a few more minutes. Her eyes gleamed. Dorian headed for the phone. . . .

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"I don't understand it. Todd hasn't stayed inside for this long for a while now," Viki stated. She and Susannah stood at the nurses� station as Susannah made notes in Todd's chart.

"Todd made a lot of progress in the weeks before Ritchie came out. There were many disclosures. He was flooded with memories and feelings. He put a lot of pressure on himself to hold it together for T�a and Starr. I think Goodone felt Todd needed a rest and some respite from his pain and took him inside. He may have put Todd to sleep for a while. It also may be that Ritchie needs to be out," Susannah theorized.

"Why?" Viki asked. "Ritchie won't open up to any of us, if he's capable of opening up at all. He answers questions with a yes or no for the most part and sits silently if no one asks him anything. You said he sits silently in your sessions with him if you bring up anything about his time out when he lived at home. You said he would only answer factual questions. He doesn't engage with any of us. The only positive thing I can see about Ritchie being out is that Todd has gained some weight because Ritchie is willing to eat in addition to the supplement you give him in the feeding tube. He willingly takes his medication and his mood is level. Todd's body is getting a rest from the distressed emotional state he and the other alters are usually in. Ritchie also sleeps well. He's not plagued by nightmares. Todd does seem physically healthier than he has in a long time. His color is better. I am grateful to Ritchie for that."

Viki had come to the hospital by herself. In the ten days that Ritchie had been out Sam had gradually stopped coming to the hospital. Viki and Sam no longer slept there. She and Sam stayed at Llanfair. Ritchie did not seem to need them in any way. He didn't seem to notice they were in a room with him unless one of them spoke directly to him. He behaved the same with T�a, Kevin, Blair, Susannah and the staff. Susannah strongly suggested that they all go back to their lives. She assured them they would be called immediately if Todd or another alter emerged or if Ritchie needed them.

***************

Viki went back to work at the Banner for the first time in months. It felt strange. She had trouble concentrating and became easily frustrated. She hated that she would lose her temper with the employees and was constantly apologizing. Most of them understood and tried to give her as much space and leeway as possible.

Despite Viki's encouragement, Sam did not go back to his office. Sam took to his bed for the most part. He would have trouble falling asleep. When he did, he awoke before dawn most mornings. Some days he did not bother showering or dressing. On days he had the energy to take care of himself, he would take long solitary walks. Viki always offered to join him, if she was home. Sam always refused. There were times when Sam and Viki clung to each other as they lay in bed. It was intimacy born of sorrow and the need for human contact. There was nothing sexual in their touch. Sam tried his best to concentrate when Viki spoke to him. No matter how much he wanted to be there for her, he would find his mind wandering. Viki tried her best to get Sam to discuss what he was feeling. It was to no avail. The only time she saw any emotion spark in Sam was during one of his phone calls with Lindsay. As usual, she called to ask for more money and to accuse Sam of neglecting his own children for Todd. Viki had never heard Sam go off on anyone the way he did Lindsay. Viki was happy that Sam had some release for the anger that was building inside him. She admitted to herself that she did not mind him taking it out on Lindsay. From everything Sam had told her about the woman, she deserved every bit of it and then some.

T�a's CT scan showed no new bleed or additional problem in her brain. As her doctors suspected, she was suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome. T�a needed to take it easy. Ritchie afforded her the chance. T�a wondered if somehow Todd or perhaps Goodone sensed this and, in part, Ritchie was kept out for this reason among others. T�a still had some occasional dizziness and headaches. She cried more easily and her temper was a little shorter than it had been, too.

Kevin put in more time at the Banner as well. While Viki took care of some business, she did not get back to running things. Viki told Kevin that he was doing a great job and she saw no need to change that. Viki was moved to tears when she saw the tears her approval caused to well up in Kevin's eyes. Kevin and Rachel had gone out for some meals together and an occasional walk or movie. Kevin felt some distance in Rachel and he didn't push things. Rachel wanted to make very sure Kevin had feelings for no one else before she even allowed herself to feel anything for him and she still had her doubts. Kevin had stopped by T�a's hotel room often. He always said he came to see how T�a was doing. While this was true, to a point, his main motive was to visit Rachel. Unfortunately, Rachel did not see this. As far as she was concerned, his sole purpose was visiting T�a.

Susannah was happy with the physical improvements Todd's body had made. She understood Todd's system was doing what was needed. Still, she was frustrated with the lack of progress being made in therapy. She and the staff would try to engage Ritchie. He would shut down on them every time. He was willing to answer any questions during a physical exam. The only information he was willing to give them at least gave them a clue as to why he stopped aging at seventeen. When asked about that, Ritchie simply said, "Sam told Todd to get away from his father." Susannah immediately understood. Todd left Chicago when he was seventeen. Todd had gotten away from Peter. Ritchie was no longer needed and had become dormant. Why he reemerged now, no one was sure of.

Other than the therapy hours spent silently in Susannah's office, Ritchie would sit in front of the TV. He had no preferences and would stare at whatever was on the screen. He did not laugh at comedy shows or show any emotion to dramas. He had no interest in artwork. When he was taken to the art room, Laura had no more luck engaging him than anyone else did. No matter what kind of art material she placed in front of him, he only sat and stared ahead. When asked directly to draw a picture of himself, he complied. He drew a circle and filled it in with a black marker. It was clear he saw himself as an empty hole, filled with nothing. He had no limbs and no head. He had nothing that would indicate thought processes. Ritchie would walk the hallways when told he needed some exercise. He would walk up and down as many times as they told him to. If a specific number of times was not given, he would continue to walk without stopping until someone told him to rest. Ritchie had gone through the echo without any difficulty or need for sedation. There had been no change since his last echo and they had all been grateful for that. He did not pull back or show any fear when blood was drawn or Procrit was given by subcutaneous injections. He showered when he was told to. He wore whatever was put out for him. He was compliant in every way, except when asked to talk about issues. He never verbally refused. He sat silently and stared.

There was little Susannah could do. She could not force him to talk. After sitting in silence with him for an hour or ninety minutes, Susannah would pat him on the shoulder or arm and say, "Whenever you're ready, Ritchie, I and the staff will be here for you to talk to."

****************

Susannah was able to spend time with Bill and his kids before they had to go back to Chicago to finish the school year. With every visit, Susannah grew closer to Bill's children. Susannah and Bill were able to take the children on a weekend trip to the Amish country in Lancaster Pennsylvania. Patches spent the weekend with Bo, Nora, and Mud, his new best friend. The trip was as beneficial to Susannah as it was to them. The lush beautiful farmlands brought Susannah peacefulness and a sense of serenity she had not known before. On one occasion, Bill stood with his arm around Susannah as the children marveled at the sight of more than a hundred cows, lying leisurely on a grassy field, enjoying the morning sun.

"I think whenever my faith gets shaken by this world, I'm going to come here. If this isn't proof of God's existence, I don't know what is?" Bill said as he and Susannah looked out at acres of the most beautiful, green land they had ever seen. It was picture perfect. Rows of corn, taller than Bill, were growing out in the distance. Only silos and windmills announced that man had touched this land. The air was like nothing they had ever experienced before. It was fragrant with the earth and the grass and the animals. Yet it was refreshing and inspiring. It made them happy to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. It was the kind of air that made them want to close their eyes, breathe it in, and feel the existence of their souls. It made them feel at one with the earth.

Time moved slowly through the back roads of Lancaster County. There was no tension. No one was rushing to get to anywhere. It was in sharp contrast to the hustle and bustle of the main roads. What was surprising to them was seeing the horse drawn buggies that the Amish used to travel those main routes and move along with the cars, trucks, buses and motorcycles. In other places, like Philadelphia, New York City, Chicago . . . almost any city . . . drivers would lose patience as they traveled at a snail's pace behind a buggy. Here people took it in stride, and even tourists knew better than to "beep" at the drivers of the buggies.

Susannah, Bill and his children had discovered the back roads that led to the heart of the Amish farms of Lancaster County on their first day. Since then, this had become a favorite place to spend an hour or two of every day and recharge. The rest of the time was spent trying to get in as much as they could in those few days.

Susannah and Bill had taken adjoining suites at the Willow Valley Hotel. Susannah was very touched when Tracy asked if she could share Susannah's suite with her. Josh and Michael stayed with Bill. The children enjoyed Chocolate World when they drove to Hershey for a few hours. Tracy had a blast going from store to store at the Park City Mall with Susannah while Bill and the boys hit the arcades.

The thing that fascinated all of them the most was learning about the Old Order House Amish. The children could not believe the Amish lived without electricity or phones or modern appliances because they wanted no permanent connection to "the English" or the outside world. Michael learned about boys and girls around his own age that had to decide if they wanted to be baptized into the Amish church between the ages of fourteen and twenty. They were all shocked to learn that if they refused to join, they had to leave their home and parents and go out on their own with only an eighth grade education, taught by a female member of the district who had no more than an eighth grade education herself. Anything beyond eighth grade was prohibited because the Amish feel it would teach their children too many ways of the outside world.

Michael did smile when Bill gently whispered, "Now maybe that's not such a bad idea," when they heard that from age fourteen through twenty the young Amish are allowed to "sow their wild oats." Since this is the time in each child's life when they have to decided if they want to follow the ways or not, they get a chance to experience the world. They are allowed to go to movies, watch TV at a non-Amish friend's home, listen to music, and date. The boys are given an open buggy to court with. "So the whole world can be their chaperone," as the tour guide said.

"And here I was complaining about having to use your car or Mom's," Michael kidded back.

Susannah and Tracy could not imagine having to wear only dresses and having to close the back of those dresses with only straight pins, as buttons and zippers are not plain and are not allowed. Nor could they imagine having to keep their hair covered with a prayer hat, secured with only a straight pin, at all times and a bonnet over that when they leave the house.

Josh was horrified to learn that no gifts are allowed at Christmas. Nor were candy or baskets allowed at Easter. The Amish only recognize the religious aspects of the holidays and never the commercial.

Susannah and Bill exchanged glances when they heard that divorce was not allowed either. It was also surprising to learn that when Amish couples decide to get married, they may only do so in November and December, after the harvest has been completed. Then, after the wedding, the husband and wife do not live together. They each go home to their own family, until the following Friday. That Friday through Sunday and every Friday through Sunday, until the spring, they visit friends and neighbors to collect their wedding gifts, gifts that have to be practical in nature and for the home. Finally, in the spring, the husband's family gives them the house they will live in.

All of their minds were filled with this information as they left the tour of the Amish farmhouse and headed for the barns and fields to visit the animals. Then it was off to the gift shop. Susannah and Bill smiled when they saw the children coming to the register with their arms loaded. Susannah picked out some things for the alters and Todd. Thinking of Todd and the alters brought some memories of some journal articles Susannah had read about the Amish. The articles were about child abuse and incest among the Amish. Susannah was not so naive to think that even here, things like that would not happen.

That night at dinner, Josh announced that he would no longer eat meat. They knew it was because he had fallen in love with the cows, lambs, pigs, and chickens he had petted. Once he looked into the eyes of these animals, up close, he could not bring himself to eat them. Michael and Tracy teased him as they chowed down on many of the various meats the one hundred and forty-foot smorgasbord at the Shady Maple had to offer.

Tracy and Josh were sound asleep in the backseat of Bill's car when they all arrived back at the hotel. Michael carried Josh to his bed and Bill carried Tracy to hers. All of them were exhausted, but very happy. Finding this unspoiled part of the world, sandwiched in between the corporations, condos, malls, outlet stores and restaurants of Lancaster County had done them all good.

*****************

Susannah felt recharged and refreshed after the first three days she had taken off in months. It was nearly noon of her first day back by the time she turned her key in the lock of the unit doors. Susannah had one final breakfast with Bill, his kids and Patches. Then she and Bill took them to the airport and the flight back to Chicago. Tears came to Susannah's eyes when Tracy and Josh squeezed her in a tight hug and Tracy whispered, "I hope you and Daddy get married." Bill drove Susannah back to the hospital and headed to his new house. There were many things that needed to be done.

Susannah was pleased when Terry told her Todd's body had gained another pound in the few days she had been gone. That made nine pounds since the day Ritchie first came out. Since Todd's stomach still could not tolerate large amounts of food at once, Ritchie had been given six small meals a day, with in-between snacks. All staff members had to say to him was, "It's time for you to eat," and he would eat whatever was placed in front of him. In addition to that, he received feedings throughout the night, via the feeding tube. Not once had he woken up during the process. As far as they knew, he had not had a single nightmare in his time out. He went to sleep when they told him it was his bedtime and stayed asleep until he was woken up.

*****************

Three more days had passed. Susannah was getting nowhere with Ritchie. Before she took him into her office for another session, she told both Jeff and Frank she wanted them inside her office for this one. She asked Angelo, Steve, Dan, Mark, Eileen and Terry to wait in the outer office right after she took Ritchie inside. She was going to push Ritchie and she had no idea how he would react.

In addition to her tape recorder being on, Susannah sat writing notes as Ritchie stared ahead, as usual. Ritchie sat in one of the club chairs. He sat as he always did with his back straight, his feet planted firmly on the floor, his hands folded in his lap. He was not tense or relaxed. He looked as if he were waiting for instruction. Susannah knew that if she told him to cross his legs or hold his arm or head a certain way he would, immediately and without question. Frank and Jeff sat on the couch. It was forty minutes into the session. Ritchie had not said anything after asking where he should sit. No matter how many times Susannah told him he could sit wherever he wanted, he always asked.

Ritchie shrugged when Susannah asked him if he enjoyed his lunch.

"Are you able to taste the differences between foods?" Susannah asked.

"No," Ritchie answered in a soft monotone. He continued to stare straight ahead.

"Can you tell hot food from cold?" Susannah queried.

"No."

"What about your body, do you ever feel too warm or too cold?" Susannah began to realize that he had closed off many of the sensations the nerve endings sent to his brain.

"No," he responded again.

Susannah stood up. "Ritchie, can you please close your eyes for a few moments and keep them closed until I tell you to open them." Ritchie complied immediately. Susannah knew such a request would have made Todd and most of the alters anxious. Ritchie showed no apprehension whatsoever. Susannah went to a cabinet in her office and took out a small stuffed animal. She went to another cabinet and took out a small rubber ball. "Ritchie, I want you to keep your eyes closed. I'm not going to do anything that will hurt you. I'm going to take your right hand and then your left hand and brush your fingers over two objects. I want you to tell me what the difference is in the feel between the two. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he stated.

First Susannah brushed his fingers over the ball and then over the furry toy for the same amount of time. "Was there a difference in the feel of the two objects?"

"No," Ritchie replied.

Todd's body had enough neurological exams recently for Susannah to feel secure that she needn't be concerned with any organic cause. Ritchie had effectively managed to close off his sense of touch and taste, and most likely smell, too. He needed to be able to see and hear, to pass for Andy, Todd and perhaps some of the other alters when Peter molested him, but whatever he didn't need to fool Peter, he closed off.

"Ritchie, did your dad come into your room at night?"

"Yes," Ritchie looked straight ahead.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No," Ritchie responded without a show of emotion.

Susannah expected this answer. She knew Ritchie wasn't lying to her or repressing the memory. He did not allow himself to feel pain or pleasure.

"Did you like any part of what your dad did when he came into your room?"

"No," he answered calmly. Ritchie did not have Andy or Todd's need for affection, attention or love.

"Did your dad touch you when he came into your room?"

Ritchie stared straight ahead.

"Your dad is dead. You don't have to keep secrets anymore. Did your dad touch you when he came into your room?" Susannah repeated gently.

No response.

"Ritchie, I know your job is to help Todd and the others. You did that for eleven years. That's a very long time. You did a very good job. They might not have survived without you. Dad is dead now. You don't have to help Todd or anyone. No one can hurt them."

Ritchie continued to stare straight ahead.

"Have you ever felt angry?" Susannah took a different approach.

"No," Ritchie answered.

"Have you ever seen someone feeling angry?"

"Yes."

"Who was it that was angry?" Susannah asked.

Again, no response.

"You saw your dad when he was angry," Susannah stated.

"Yes."

"What do you think would happen if you felt anger?" Susannah posed.

Ritchie stared ahead.

"It must have been very hard for you to put up with your dad abusing you all those years. Did you ever want to cry out or pull away?" Susannah noticed a slight tightening in the muscles of Ritchie's jaw. "Did you ever want to feel loved when he held you? It's all right to feel now, Ritchie. Your father is dead. He can't hurt you or Todd or any of the others if you allow yourself to feel. You don't have to do whatever you're told anymore. I don't think you like having to hold everything inside. It's not your job to do that anymore. Todd and everyone who lives inside him, including you, have a lot of people to protect them now. No one can hurt them. They have a lot of people who love them, no matter what they do or how they feel. All of you can get as angry as you want; we will keep you safe. We won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else and we won't let anyone hurt you."

Even though Ritchie was still holding his hands folded on his lap, Susannah noticed the knuckles of his hands turn white as his fingers tensed up. His breathing was becoming erratic.

"It's all right to let go. It's safe here. This is the place where you can let go. Frank, Jeff, and I are here with you. We won't let any harm come to you or let you hurt anyone. You can feel everything now, Ritchie. You don't have to stay strong anymore. Did your dad touch your privates?"

Ritchie's shoulder's tensed. "Yes," he whispered.

"Did he make you touch his?"

"Yes."

"How did that make you feel?"

No response.

"Did he do that every night?"

"No."

"More than twice a week?"

"Yes."

More than three times a week?"

"Yes."

"Four or five times a week?"

"Yes."

"Until you and Todd were both seventeen and Todd left to go to Llanview University?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever come out at any time other than when your father was molesting you?"

"No."

"You never went to school or out of the house for any reason?" Susannah asked.

"No. Closed doors. Window shades pulled down. Secret. Can't tell. Can't ever tell. You go to jail if you tell. You go to an orphanage if you tell. You and Mom will die if you tell. No one will believe you. Everyone will hate you. Everyone will blame you."

This was the most Ritchie had said in response to a question. "Your dad liked to hide the things he did from the world. He didn't want anyone to know what went on in your house. Those were things he said to you over the years to keep you from telling," Susannah restated.

"Yes. My job is not to tell. No one can ever tell. Terrible things happen if you tell."

"No. That's what your dad wanted you all to believe. He told you those things to scare you. He told you that because he was afraid."

Finally there was some expression on Ritchie's face, confusion. "No. He was never afraid. He was powerful. Nothing could hurt him."

"No, hon. He was afraid. Your dad was scared to death that the outside world would find out what he was doing. He knew that he would have gone to jail. He knew they would have taken you away."

"I could have made it stop if I told?" Ritchie's body shuddered.

"I don't know," Susannah responded. "Possibly. Maybe not. Your dad was a powerful man in the community. He might have bought or bullied his way out of it. He might have lied and gotten them to believe him. You had good reason to be afraid. It is not your fault that he continued."

"Mike sent Andy away. He felt. He almost got everyone killed. Mike sent me. 'Don't feel. Don't feel.'" The muscles in Ritchie's jaw tightened even more.

"Mike told you not to feel. He said that was your job. You were afraid Mike would send you away too or your father would kill all of you."

"Yes. My job." The effort Ritchie was now using to hold in what he felt was palpable.

"What kinds of things did your dad do to you when he touched you?"

No response.

"Did he do things to you that make you angry now?"

Still no response.

"Do you hate your dad?"

He stared straight ahead again.

"What about your mom, Ritchie? She was there until you were nine. She knew what your dad was doing to you. Did you hate her?" Susannah pressed.

Ritchie's body trembled. His jaw was now tightly clenched.

"It's okay to hate your dad for what he did to you. It's okay to hate your mom for being too weak to stop him. You can hate people for what they do and still love them. You own your body and your feelings. Your dad had no right to hurt either one or to control either one. It's okay to say it and to feel it. He hurt you. He had no right to hurt you. He was your dad. He was supposed to protect you. Your mom was supposed to protect you. None of what happened was your fault or Todd's fault or Andy's or anyone's fault. You all have a right to be very angry and to hate what was done to you." Susannah paused for a moment. "Do you hate your dad and your mom for what they did to you?"

Ritchie made a small whimpering sound.

Susannah motioned Frank and Jeff over to either side of the chair Ritchie sat in. "You're safe here, Ritchie. Jeff and Frank will not let you hurt yourself or anyone else. They will hold you if you feel you need to hurt yourself or anyone. You can let yourself feel. You can feel the hurt. You can let go of all the anger you feel over being hurt and humiliated. You have the power now, Ritchie, not your dad. You have the power over whom you tell and what you feel. You can feel the pain, get angry over it and then it won't hurt inside so much. Were you hurt? Ritchie, did your dad hurt you?"

"YYYYEEEEEEES!" Ritchie's scream was gut wrenching. His hands formed into tight fists. His eyes were closed tightly. His face was scrunched in torment. He stayed in the chair. He bent forward as if he had been kicked in the stomach. "Oh God! He hurt me. He hurt me over and over and over. It never stopped! Every time I came out he was hurting me. She knew. She knew! I hate them. I hate both of them so much! I didn't want to come out. I hate Mike! I hate me! I had to take it. I should have stopped him. I let him do that to me until I was seventeen!"

Susannah crouched down in front of him. "You didn't let him. He abused you. You were a child. You were powerless to stop him. It's not your fault. Your dad was a powerful man in every way. Even at seventeen you had no way to stop him. He intimidated you since you were a small boy. He terrorized you. He left you with no way out until Todd was old enough to leave that house. It was not your fault or Todd's fault or anyone's fault other than your mom and dad's fault."

"AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Ritchie's scream was more like the howl of an animal being tortured. He felt eleven years of pain; terror, powerlessness and humiliation wash over him in torrents. His rage was unleashed.

Ritchie jumped up and grabbed Jeff by his shirt. Jeff was prepared. He quickly and adeptly spun Ritchie around and stabilized his arms at his waist. Jeff slid down to the floor with him. He propped his back against the chair for support. Ritchie was struggling fiercely. Frank held his legs. Susannah called for more staff. They didn't need to call a code, but it took all eight of them to hold him securely.

"I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! HE MADE ME SUCK HIS COCK AND HE SUCKED MINE. HE'D SQUEEZE ME AND PULL ON ME. HE MADE ME SMILE AND SAY I LIKED IT! HE MADE ME TELL HIM TO DO IT TO ME AND SAY I WANTED IT. HE MADE ME BEG HIM TO DO IT TO ME. THE OLDER I GOT THE MORE HE MADE ME BEG FOR IT. HE MADE ME ACT LIKE IT FELT GOOD. I HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO TO ME! HE MADE ME TELL HIM MY BODY BELONGED TO HIM. HE STUCK THINGS INSIDE ME! HE MADE MY ASS BLEED. HE MADE ME LICK HIS ASS. HE PEED ON ME! HE'D TAKE A SHIT AND HOLD MY HEAD IN THE TOILET. HE MADE ME PEE ON MAMA AND STICK MY TONGUE IN HER MOUTH WHEN SHE WOULD PASS OUT. HE MADE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF AND LICK HER ALL OVER HER BODY. HE MADE ME RUB MY COCK ALL OVER HER AND STICK IT IN HER MOUTH WHILE HE PRESSED AGAINST ME AND RUBBED HIS COCK ON ME! HE'D COME ALL OVER ME. HE MADE ME JERK OFF IN FRONT OF HIM. HE SAID I'D NEVER BE A MAN. HE SAID I WAS A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN AND I'D NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANY WOMAN AND I WAS LUCKY THAT I HAD HIM!"

Ritchie continued to struggle in their arms. Susannah didn't want to sedate him. He needed to feel. More than any of the others, he needed to feel.

"AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" he screamed out again. "I HATE HIM SO MUCH! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH US THAT MADE HIM DO THAT? I HATE MY JOB! I HATE ANDY FOR GETTING SENT AWAY! I HATE MIKE FOR PUSHING ME OUT! I HATE TODD FOR MAKING HIS FATHER DO THAT TO US! I HATE MY MOM! SHE LET HIM! SHE LEFT US! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

They all felt Ritchie's body stop struggling for a split second and then felt it trembling. It was trembling so severely, for a moment they thought he was having a seizure.

"Ohhhhh. Oh, God," Todd moaned.

"Todd. It's Jeff. You're safe, buddy. I'm holding you."

"It's Frank. I'm here too, Todd. Everything's okay."

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in my office. I want you to take some deep breaths and try to relax. No one will hurt you."

"I heard," Todd whispered.

They all exchanged looks.

"You heard what?" Susannah took nothing for granted.

"What he said. That boy. I heard what he said. Papa made me listen." Todd's voice sounded far away and detached.

"Do you remember those things happening to you?" Susannah asked.

Tears trickled down Todd's cheeks. "Yes." Todd tried to move his arms. "Please let me go. Please!"

"Can you stay safe?" Jeff asked.

Todd nodded.

They slowly released him, limb by limb.

Todd crawled across the floor until he felt a wall. He curled up against it and hugged his knees to his chest. They all moved close enough to be within arms length of him, but did not touch him. Todd gasped for air. "Why? Why? What did I do to make him do that to me? What was wrong with me?"

"It was not your fault!" Susannah stated firmly. "Todd you did nothing to make him do that to you. There was nothing wrong with you. Your dad was a very sick man. He had severe mental illness. He would have done that to any child who had been brought into the house." Susannah knew Todd had enough to digest right now without her telling him about the little girl that was taken away from his mom and dad.

"I hurt my mom. I did disgusting things to her. I should be dead. I don't deserve to live."

"No," Susannah corrected his perception. "You did not hurt your mom. Your dad did. He forced you to hurt her. You had no choice."

"It was my fault! You don't understand. Oh my God! You don't understand."

"Help us understand," Susannah gently prompted him.

Todd gasped again and let out a sob of anguish. "You'll all hate me. Everyone will hate me. I'll be all alone."

"No, honey. We'll never hate you. There is nothing you can tell us that will make us hate you or leave you."

"I wasn�t just a little kid. He made me do things to my mom until I was nine, right up until she left. That must have been why she left. She must have known I was doing those things to her. Oh, God, how she must have hated me." Todd pounded his head into the wall.

Frank quickly grabbed him, as Susannah held her hand on Todd's forehead.

"No hurting yourself," Frank stated firmly.

"Make it go away!" Todd cried out.

"Make what go away?" Susannah asked.

"The pictures! The pictures in my head!"

"Honey, those are memories. It's okay to remember. It's safe to remember it here. You need to know that your mom didn't hate you. You did nothing wrong. Nine years old is still a little kid. Your dad was big and strong. Your mom knew he forced you. She wanted to get away from him, never from you. Your mom loved you. She may have hated herself for letting him hurt you. She may have hated your dad for what he did to both of you. She never, ever, hated you. She loved you till the day she died."

Todd shook his head. "I did disgusting things to her. I did disgusting things with my dad. I'm dirt. I'm not fit to be around anyone. Oh God! I touched Starr. I touched Delgado! Oh God! I never should have touched them. I brought my filth to them. I contaminated them!"

"No. Todd you did nothing wrong. It's not your fault." Susannah took his head between her hands. "It's not your fault!"

"No! Let go! Let go! Don't touch me! I'll get it on you, too! Frank, let go! No! Don't touch me! You need to kill me! You kill me! You do it! No one will blame you. You tell them what I did to my own mother! You tell them what I did with my father. Let go!"

Susannah held on firmly. "It's not your fault," she repeated. "Your dad forced you. You lived in terror of him. He was bigger and stronger than you were. There was no way you could not have done what he made you do. He threatened you and lied to you and intimidated you. No child could have said no to him. It would have been the same with any child."

"No! No! You still don't understand."

"Make us understand," Susannah coaxed.

"I did those things with him until I was grown! I did those disgusting, perverted things with him until I was seventeen! I remember now!"

"Your dad was a powerful man, Todd. You had nowhere to go. As soon as you were able, you left. Seventeen is still a child. You could not legally leave his house. You had no one to help you. He conditioned you to believe horrible things would happen if you told," Frank told him.

"Oh God. I didn't remember. I swear I never would have touched Starr or Delgado if I remembered. I wouldn't have done that to them."

"You did nothing bad to them," Susannah said gently. "Starr loves being held and touched by you and so does T�a. You've never bad touched them. Never! Your dad bad touched you and made you bad touch your mom. You would never do that to Starr or to T�a."

"You don't know that! It's in my blood! It's in my brain! My real father hurt Viki! I made my dad hurt me! I hurt my mom! You can't say that you know I won't hurt them! You can't say for sure that I won't hurt everyone! Viki has to send me away. She has to send me far away and tell them to never let me out. Bo was right. My dad was right. They said I belong in jail. You have to kill me or make Viki send me away. It's the only way everyone will be safe. I hurt people the way my dad did! I hurt Carol and Marty and Luna and Nora. I almost made Asa die. I wanted to rape Blair. I got so mad at her. I wanted to hurt her that way."

"But you didn't," Susannah pointed out. "Todd you didn't. You stopped yourself. That's what's important. You were able to stop yourself. You learned how to control those urges. Your dad could never do that. He had thoughts in his head and he had to act on them. You became stronger than your dad. You became more powerful. You were able to stop yourself from hurting Blair that way."

"I wanted to!" Todd cried out.

"Todd," Frank said softly. "There are a lot of bad things we want to do to people when they hurt us or make us angry. You're not the only one to have bad thoughts. It's how you act that matters and you did not act on that thought. You stopped yourself."

"What if the thoughts won't go away? With the others they didn't go away until I hurt them!"

"We'll help you with those thoughts. We'll help you learn to handle your rage. We'll help you to learn to place the blame where it belongs and then teach you safe ways to handle your anger."

Todd shook his head again. "Please let go of me. I won't hurt myself. I promise."

"Okay, buddy. We're going to trust you." Frank loosened his hold.

Todd pulled away and pulled his knees to his chest again. "I hate myself. Why did Papa do this to me? Why did he make me hear? Does he hate me now too?"

"No, Papa loves you," Susannah said softly. "He loves you so much that he wants to do only what's best for you. He knows you're strong enough to remember this now. He knows that you can talk about it and that we can help you. Papa wants you to get your life back. He knows the only way for that to happen is for you to remember what was done to you and talk about it. That's how to make it stop hurting."

"No!" Todd shook his head violently. "Talking about it makes it worse. It makes it hurt so much I can't stand it. Something terrible will happen."

"Honey, you are standing it. You're here, talking to us about this. You remembered and nothing terrible happened."

"It will! You wait and see. It will. I don't feel good. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm going to be sick."

"Okay, do you want to go back to your room?" Susannah asked.

Todd's moved his head around. They knew he did that when he was trying to figure out who was in a room with him. "Is Viki here?"

"No, Viki is at the Banner," Susannah told him.

"Is Sam here?"

"No, buddy. Sam is home resting," Jeff answered.

"Todd," Susannah began gently. "You've been inside for about two weeks. The young man that you saw and heard, Ritchie, was out."

Todd's chin and lower lip began to tremble. "They left me. They heard how disgusting I am and what horrible things I did and they left forever."

"No, not at all, buddy," Frank filled him in. "Ritchie had no need or attachment for Viki and Sam. There was no point in them staying here while Ritchie was out. I know as soon as they hear that you're back, they'll rush right over. They've missed you very much."

"You don't have to say that," Todd said in the direction of Frank's voice. Todd immediately put up a wall to help him numb himself to feeling abandoned by Viki and Sam. "It's okay. It's better this way. This is how I want it." Todd suddenly looked panicked. "Delgado! I hurt her the last time she was here. What happened to her? What did I do to her? Something happened." Todd grabbed both sides of his head. "I can't remember! Something happened. What happened? What�d I do to Delgado?"

"You didn't do anything to her. You and T�a were talking and you became upset. T�a is fine. She had another CT scan and it showed that she is okay. She just needed some rest. She has been home resting and now she feels much better. Ritchie had no emotional attachment to T�a either, so she stayed home to rest. She missed you very much and asked us to let her know the second you came back so she can come to see you," Susannah explained.

"They're lying to you."

Todd's head shot up.

They could tell he was hearing something.

"They don't think you can handle the truth. They think you're too stupid to know that they're only pretending to care about you. They will hate you for what you've done. They will be disgusted and repulsed, just like your wonderful Doctor Hanen and her kindly staff."

Todd jumped when he heard the laughter.

"They're getting paid handsomely to tell you it wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong. You're not man enough to tell them to stop blaming your father for what you've done. You know now. You heard. You know what you did. You will hurt all of them. I've tried to warn you. Every one of them will be hurt. You know what you're capable of. Sam and Viki couldn't wait to get away from you. Neither could your precious Delgado. You touched her Todd. You kissed her without asking. You wanted to do more didn't you?"

Todd squeezed his eyes shut.

"Let them come back here. One by one, you'll hurt all of them. I won't have to do it. You'll do it yourself. You hurt everyone in your life. You're a disgrace to everyone who ever knew you. You bring them nothing but heartache. They all know what you've done. They all know, Todd. They know! They'll look at you with disgust on their faces. They'll come here and pretend they love you because they pity you. That will be their downfall, Todd. They'll come out of pity and that will be the end of them. They'll be destroyed. You destroy everything Todd. You destroy all the love. There is no love for you. You destroy people. If you care about them, you know what you have to do. You know what you have to do, Todd."

"Todd!" Susannah called to him for the third time. She was afraid that Saber was talking to him. "Todd, I want you to hear my voice. I want you to listen to me."

"What?"

"Okay, that's it. Tell me what you were just hearing."

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry. I don't believe you. I think you were hearing someone talking to you. Can you tell me what he or she said?"

"I told you I wasn't hearing anything! Leave me alone!"

"It's important that you talk about what you heard," Frank added.

"I want you to call Viki and Sam and tell them to come here. Then I want to see Blair and then Delgado," Todd ordered. He asked to see T�a last. He knew that it would be hardest of all to say what he planned to say to T�a.

"We'll do that. Can you tell me why you want to see them?" Susannah asked.

"I just do!" Todd rubbed his hands over his face and his fingers through his hair. He rubbed his arms. "I want to take a shower."

They knew this was an unusual request for him.

"Sure, pal. You can take a shower. Can you tell me why you want to do that right now?" Jeff asked casually.

"I want to get the dirt off."

"There's no dirt on you," Susannah stated. "You had a shower this morning. You washed your hair. Your clothes are clean. You haven't been perspiring."

"I'm dirty!" Todd insisted.

"Are you feeling dirty inside, too?" Susannah guessed.

"Viki pays enough for this loony bin. I can have two showers a day if I want to."

"Jeff already told you that you could take another shower. Do you think you can tell me in what way you feel dirty?" Susannah pressed.

"No! Leave me alone. I had enough of this therapy crap for today. I want to take a shower and put on other clothes and then I want Viki and Sam here!"

Susannah nodded.

"Okay, buddy. Let's get you up. We'll take you to your room and you can shower and change," Frank said.

"I don't want you in the bathroom with me."

"Sorry, Todd. You can't be left alone," Frank reminded him.

"I'm not planning on drowning myself or flushing myself down the toilet if that's what you're afraid of," Todd snapped.

"You can't see. You can hurt yourself accidentally. You are not always able to stay safe, even if you have no intentions of hurting yourself right now," Jeff pointed out.

They could see Todd's temper rising. "Add someone else to my list. Get that guy here to do the blind lesson with me."

"You want to have a session with Ryan?" Susannah restated for clarification.

"Yeah!" Todd thought for a few moments. "You tell him to get here right after Sam, Viki, and Blair, and before Delgado." Todd hoped that with another lesson he'd be less likely to make even more of a fool out of himself in front of T�a.

"You want him to come today?" Susannah was surprised.

"Yes! You tell him I'll double his pay for the session. I'll triple it. I'll give him whatever the Hell he wants. You tell him to get himself over here as soon as I see Sam, Viki and Blair. Don't let Delgado come here until after I have a session with him."

Susannah and the staff exchanged looks. They were happy that something spurred Todd on to do this. At the same time they were concerned. Something was going on with him. What they did find encouraging was Todd's ordering them around with this "take charge" attitude of his. It was good to see this part of Todd return. They realized he had been traumatized by this latest memory. They could see he was trying his best to push it away. They didn't think it was working. Todd had digested this memory, whether he wanted to or not. His need to shower right now . . . to cleanse himself of feeling dirty was not a good thing. He was still placing the blame for what happened onto himself. Still, all and all, he was getting so much stronger than he realized.

"Okay, let's go! Someone call Sam and Viki while I'm in the shower." With that, Todd willingly walked out with Jeff and Frank. The rest of the staff dispersed. Susannah went to call everyone on Todd's list, including T�a. She wanted to make sure she would be able to come later in the day, when Todd was ready to see her. Susannah hoped that Ryan would be available.

**********************

"Are you sure you can do this without it pointing back to me?" Dorian said into the payphone. "Don't tell me not to worry . . . you're being paid handsomely. I don't expect any mistakes . . . Yes, that's what I heard. You are the best at what you do . . . for your sake as well as mine, let's hope your expertise has not been exaggerated . . . make sure you see to that. You have your whole life in front of you. I don't think you'd want to spend it in prison . . . No! I'll call you. Don't ever call my home or call my cell phone. There is never to be any paper trail between us. Do you understand! . . . Good! Don't worry. I'll do my part. You make sure to do yours." Dorian hung up. She hated having to rely on and trust someone she didn't know.

**********************

"Mrs. Hayes," Nigel greeted Dorian at the door. "Can I take your . . . uh . . . hat?"

Dorian always had the feeling that Nigel was doing a mental fashion critique of her wardrobe on the few occasions she had visited Asa's home. "No thank you. Is Asa in his office?"

"Yes. Mr. Buchanan is expecting you. Can I get you anything . . . Coffee . . . T�a . . . a copy of Vogue?"

"No thank you," Dorian repeated coldly despite her stiff smile. "I can find my way to Asa's office."

"As you say, ma'am," Nigel replied. Dorian didn't see him shake his head as he watched her head for Asa's office.

"Spill it out, Dorian. I know you didn't come here to ask about my health," Asa quipped. Dorian's attempt at small talk annoyed him.

"Well, Asa, actually this does concern your health, your health and the health of everyone with heart disease. I'm on the board of the Llanview Cardiac Research Center. We would like to start an experimental program utilizing the newest techniques for safer bypass surgery."

"Yeah. I've been reading up on some of that stuff that they may use in a few years from now, like keeping the old ticker beating during bypass surgery," Asa stated.

"Yes. The beating heart technique is believed to cut down on mental dysfunction after bypass surgery. Asa, as you can see this is a very worthy cause and I was hoping that you would write a check with a lot of zeros on it."

Asa narrowed his eyes and studied Dorian for a moment. "You knew I'd contribute to this. Why the visit and in-person sales pitch?"

Dorian smiled sweetly. "I thought I'd better be here to make sure you added enough zeros."

Asa took his checkbook out of the drawer and his pen out of the holder. After filling it out, he showed it to Dorian. "Is that enough of those zeros to have those heart docs find a way to keep my ticker going for a few more decades?"

Dorian's smile broadened. She took the check from him. "Thank you, Asa. I'm sure that being ornery is what's keeping your heart going. If you could package that, we wouldn't need to do any further research."

Dorian looked at Asa's check when she got back to her car. She smiled. She was pleased with herself. "That's one down," Dorian proclaimed out loud.

*****************

Viki and Sam rushed to the hospital the moment they heard Todd had surfaced. Despite Susannah's assurances, and like T�a, Kevin and Blair, they had been terrified that Todd had gone inside forever. They could not believe that Todd had asked for a session with Ryan Morgan.

Sam had been sound asleep when Susannah called. Sam got very little sleep at night. He tossed and turned for hours before he fell asleep. Then he would awaken before dawn. He was falling asleep during the day more and more. After he hung up the phone, Sam rubbed his hand over his face. He couldn't remember the last time he shaved. From the feel of his beard, he knew it was several days, at least. He looked down at his rumpled pajamas. He realized he hadn't showered in a couple of days either. He just didn't seem to have the energy. Even brushing his teeth had become a chore. He felt shame wash over him when he realized that Viki was seeing him like this.

Viki was in the middle of meeting with the department heads at the Banner. In some ways it felt good to be back at work. In other ways, it was taxing. Her mind was in three places at once. She worried about what was going on at the hospital with Todd. She worried about how Sam was doing, and then the Banner business at hand. Trying to get back into the swing of things at the paper was not easy. Viki was more grateful than ever for Kevin. She didn't know what she would have done without him.

Kevin was out, covering a story when Susannah called Viki. Viki called Kevin's cell phone. He was surprised that Todd had come back. He told Viki not to worry. He would take care of things at the paper and stay available in case he was needed.

Blair was flooded with relief when Susannah let her know Todd was back. She became anxious when she was told he wanted to see her. Blair wondered if Todd remembered what he heard her say. Even with that, she was happy that he asked for her. She hated that she had to wait for Susannah to call her back because Todd made it clear that he wanted to see Viki and Sam first.

T�a was ecstatic. She said a silent prayer of thanks. "Did he say why he wanted to see all of us?" T�a asked Susannah. She wondered why Todd wanted to see Blair. T�a became worried when Susannah told her that Todd wouldn't talk about it. Like the others, she was very glad that Todd was going to have a session with Ryan; however, something didn't feel right to T�a. She knew Todd. Something wasn't right. T�a said she would be waiting. As soon as they called her she would leave for the hospital.

*******************

Todd usually tried to get out of the shower as quickly as possible. He hated being exposed that way. This time Todd continued to scrub at his body with the wet washcloth. He kept asking them to squirt more liquid soap on it. Todd's skin was becoming red from scrubbing.

"Todd, that's enough. You need to come out of the shower now," Frank told him.

"I need more time. I can't get it off," Todd protested. His voice was fraught with emotion.

"Get what off?" Frank asked tenderly.

"The dirt. I can feel it on me. Just because I can't see it doesn't mean I can't feel it. It's all over me."

"There's no dirt on you. You've done a great job of cleaning yourself. Your hair is all washed. There's no dirt," Frank stated.

"I need more time!" Todd cried out.

"Todd, your skin is getting irritated from all that scrubbing. If you can't put the washcloth down, rinse off and come out of the shower now, we'll have to help you," Jeff said in a no-nonsense tone. Todd let out a cry of anguish. He knew they would forcibly take him out of the shower stall if he didn't stop willingly. He hated that everyone was able to be in control of him and his body.

"Come on, buddy," Frank tried again. "Viki and Sam will be here any minute. I thought you wanted to talk to them."

Todd did want to talk to them. He had to do it. He knew they didn't want to be around him anymore. They had already abandoned him. He didn't blame them. Why would anyone good and decent want to be around me? Todd thought to himself. "Okay," Todd whispered. He let the shower rinse the soap off of him. He reached out for someone to take his arms and help him out.

******************

Viki and Sam arrived within minutes of each other. They waited in the lounge near Todd's room. Terry called Susannah to let her know they were there.

Susannah filled them in briefly. She told them she would meet with them, and T�a, Blair and Kevin later, to give them a detailed progress report. Right now, Todd would be out any minute. Susannah was told about Todd's need to scrub the dirt away. Susannah hoped that he was not developing an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, like Brina.

Ryan had a problem. He was scheduled for sessions for most of the day. Ryan was tempted to cancel out with some if his other patients. He knew this was a huge step for Todd. He realized Todd was very fragile and he might not get another chance with him. Still, he had a responsibility to his other patients, too. Ryan asked Susannah to find out if Todd would be willing to see him within the next half-hour.

Susannah went in to explain the situation to Todd. Todd's heart began to pound when he realized that he was this close to doing something he had been so afraid of doing for so long. Todd's belief that he was the worst and most evil filth and his belief that he would destroy those he loved if they continued to associate with him, drove his need to escape. This need was stronger than his fear of failing "blind lessons."

"Okay," Todd agreed. "As long as he comes and fixes me before Delgado gets here."

"Do you want Viki or Sam or both of them to be with you when you have your session with Ryan?" Susannah asked.

Todd wanted that very much. He was scared to death. He loved the two people he wanted to be his mom and dad so much that his heart ached for them to be with him. This same love would not allow him to continue to taint them with his being. He also believed they did not want to be with him. "No. I don't need an audience," Todd snapped.

*****************

Susannah explained the situation to Viki and Sam and asked them to wait in the family lounge or in the cafeteria. She told them someone would get them as soon as Todd was ready to see them.

Viki understood. Sam said, nothing. Nevertheless, they could tell he felt rejected.

******************

"Hi Todd," Ryan greeted him. This part of the lesson was being held in the dayroom. Ryan was very pleased to see how much better Todd looked, physically.

Susannah, Frank, Jeff, Angelo, Eileen, Terry, and Mark stayed out of the way, but close enough to act quickly if they were needed.

"Hi," Todd responded in a monotone.

Ryan could see how frightened Todd was. "Todd, I'm very happy you decided to go ahead with this. I always look forward to having patients like you."

"You mean blind and crazy?" Todd quipped.

Ryan laughed. "No. I mean patients who are smart and brave and catch on quickly. I was very impressed with you in our first session."

"That's cause you never got to really know me," Todd snapped. "Let's get this over with. I don't wanna have to be led around by everyone anymore."

"Will you be willing to use a cane?" Ryan asked. He needed to know now if Todd would fall apart this time.

Todd's eyes welled up with tears. He swallowed hard. "Yes. What's one more indignity?"

"I don't think learning to be independent and doing for yourself ever robbed anyone of their dignity and that's what a cane will help you achieve," Ryan pointed out.

"Whatever," Todd mumbled.

"All right. First we're going to do some dining skills. You need to come over to the table."

"I'm not hungry," Todd protested.

"You don't have to eat. I just want you to be able to, if you change your mind. I'm going to place my hand on your elbow and help you to the table." Ryan knew this was one of the easiest and safest steps and succeeding would bolster Todd's shaky confidence.

Todd did not know Ryan well enough to care about him. He allowed Ryan to touch him. Once Ryan had Todd seated at the table he asked for a plate with four different kinds of food to be placed in front of Todd. Ryan had taken a look at Todd's chart when he arrived on the unit and he had spoken with Susannah briefly. He knew that Todd was not allowed to use a knife and fork, not even plastic ones. This would make this session a little different from a typical one. He had asked Susannah to have a plate of food sent up from the cafeteria.

"Okay, Todd. I want you to feel for the edge of the table."

Todd found it without difficulty.

"Great! Now I want you to let your fingers crawl slowly across the table until you feel the plate and the spoon."

Again, Todd was able to find them right away.

"Excellent! I knew you would do well. Since you are right-handed, I want you to hold the spoon in your right hand."

Todd picked up the spoon.

"Now feel for the edge of the plate again, with your left hand."

Todd held the fingers of his left hand against the rim of the plastic Styrofoam plate.

"I want you to think of the plate as a clock. The top is twelve o'clock and the bottom is six o'clock. Can you picture that in your mind?"

Todd nodded.

"All right. You have mashed potatoes at twelve o'clock, green peas at three o'clock, a hamburger at six o'clock and a roll at nine o'clock."

Todd sat there sullenly.

"Do you remember everything I just said?" Ryan asked.

Todd nodded again.

"I'm going to ask you to place some of each of the food on your spoon or pick it up in your hand. You use the fingers of your left hand to help scoop it up."

"Delgado hates when I eat with my hands," Todd murmured.

"Later on I can teach you to use a knife and fork. For now, this is the way we'll go," Ryan said gently.

"Don't matter any more anyway," Todd said sadly.

Susannah didn't like the hopeless sound of that. She made a note of it. She would not interrupt this session to discuss it.

"Todd, I want you to put some mashed potatoes on your spoon and bring the spoon to your mouth."

Todd did it easily. He held the spoon at his lips. The smell of the food nauseated him. They could see a queasy look on his face. Todd's aversion to food disturbed them greatly.

Ryan smiled. "Perfect! You did that exactly right. Now I want you to go for the green peas."

Todd mastered it all immediately. "You have done a fabulous job with this. If you need something from the fridge here or the one in the pantry or from the cupboards the staff will tell you how things are arranged. Then they will leave everything in the same place from then on. You will know that milk is on the right and juice on the left, or where in the cupboard cookies are . . . things like that. Are you ready to try walking?" Ryan asked.

Todd hesitated for a moment.

"I won't let you fall or hurt yourself and we'll go at whatever pace you need to go," Ryan assured him.

"I'm ready," Todd announced softly.

"I think this will be a piece of cake for you. You're doing as well as I thought you would. Okay, you need to stand up."

Todd's legs felt shaky. He held onto the table as he pulled himself to his feet.

Ryan bent down and took the cane out of his bag. "People are measured for canes that are just right for them. We can do this for you eventually if you need it. Right now I brought one that is about right for someone your size. The cane has an elastic band on it. The band goes around the wrist of your non-dominant hand so you can't lose it. Hold your hand out and I'll give you the cane.

Todd held out a trembling right hand.

Ryan admired Todd's courage.

"The first thing is, you need to know which way to go to get where you want to get to. There is nothing wrong with asking directions. It's easy to get yourself all turned around."

Todd had a flash of Sara, the blind woman who befriended him when he escaped from prison and went to New York City. He remembered her saying how she got all turned around and ended up in an alley. Todd remembered saving her from a mugger. He also remembered how he had stolen money from her after she had welcomed him into her home and fed him. Todd smiled when he thought about how easily she had caught him, as soon as she felt her money and realized some was missing. Todd hadn't thought about her for such a long time. In the end, she understood and forgave him. She even gave him her deceased husband's car so he could get back to Rebecca. Todd wished he could manage even half as well as she did. She may have been blind, but in some ways she could see more than most people he had ever known. He admired her then and he still did. He hoped she was still alive and well.

"Todd, the table is on your right and you are facing the kitchen. Do you know which way the sofa is?"

Todd had been in this room countless times since he became blind and countless times before that. "It's in back of me," Todd answered uncertainly.

"Yes it is! You're doing great. All right. You are going to walk to the sofa. I'll be right next to you. I will not let you get hurt," Ryan reassured. "You need to hold the cane in the center of your body. Use that as the focal point. When your left foot goes out, the cane goes to the right. When your right foot goes out, the cane goes to the left. This way if there's an object out that can be dangerous to you, the cane will touch it and alert you of its presence. Do you need me to go over that again?" Ryan offered.

Todd processed the information. He shook his head.

"Okay, Todd. Whenever you're ready, turn in the direction of the sofa and try to make your way over there. Your cane should touch the sofa before you get to it. If the sofa were an object on the floor, the cane would alert you of its presence."

Todd stood still for a few seconds. He took a deep breath and did as Ryan had instructed. He did it perfectly.

"You've got it, Todd! I knew you would be my number one student."

"That's a first for me," Todd declared.

"What is?" Ryan queried.

"Being a number one student."

"I guess you're gonna have to get used to it. You are doing a fantastic job," Ryan told him.

Todd was able to walk on his own to every corner of the dayroom. He was able to avoid all the furniture. When objects were placed on the ground in front of him, he was able to feel them with his cane every time and avoid them. He easily found his way to each staff member when they called out to him. He was able to find his way to a chair, sit, stand and immediately orient himself to the room again. Todd's natural athletic ability and coordination were helpful to him.

"Todd, you have caught on so quickly we have time to do even more today than I thought we would. Would you like to learn how to find your way around in the kitchen and bathroom?"

"I never spend much time in the kitchen . . . not even before I went nuts . . . just the bathroom."

They all smiled.

"The bathroom it is. We'll go to the bathroom in your room since that's the one you use primarily. I already had them set that one up. I had a feeling you would progress as quickly as you have."

Todd shrugged. Praise was hard for him to handle. He never knew if someone was being sincere. He didn't want to feel like a fool for believing them if they didn't mean it.

"Would you like to try walking from here down the hall and to your room by yourself?" Ryan asked

"Who's out there?" Todd asked.

"Just some of the staff," Susannah informed him. "Viki and Sam are in the family lounge."

"Only staff is out there?" Todd asked again, timidly.

"I'll go check to make sure only staff is out there, okay buddy?" Frank offered.

"Thanks," Todd said quietly. Taking the chance of making a fool of himself in front of staff was bad enough. He was not ready to have those he loved dearly and whose opinion mattered so much to him, even if he couldn't admit this to himself, watch him make a fool of himself. No matter how much denial he was in, Todd was desperate for the approval of those he loved. He wanted them to be proud of him.

"All clear Todd. There is no one out there other than staff."

Todd made his way to the door leading out of the dayroom easily. He stopped before he walked into the hallway. "Ryan," he called out.

"I'm right here, Todd. Don't worry. We'll do this together. Take your time and walk at your own pace. If you need me to guide you, just let me know and I�ll place my hand on your elbow."

Todd began to perspire. He felt anxiety wash over him. "Oh God." He could feel the beginning of a panic attack.

"Use your coping skills," Susannah gently reminded him.

Todd took some deep breaths. He started to calm down.

"What positive statement can you tell yourself before you go out in the hallway?" Frank prompted.

Todd was calm enough to think. "I was able to do this here, so I can do it out in the hallway."

"You got it, buddy. Very good!" Frank praised him.

After another few seconds had gone by and Todd remained relatively calm, Ryan asked, "Do you think you'd like to try leaving the dayroom now?"

Todd nodded.

As he had the dayroom, Todd navigated the hallway with no problem. It was familiar, even though he hadn't seen it in months. He was able to make his way around his room. He found the dresser, closet, bed, night table and toy box, easily. Then he made his way to the bathroom.

Ryan saw Todd had no difficulty finding the sink, toilet, tub and shower stall so he got down to the finer points. "Once you get used to finding everything in here without assistance, you will no longer need the cane. In almost all bathrooms the cold water faucet is on the right and the hot on the left. If you are in a strange bathroom and someone is there you can ask to make sure. If not, bring your hand toward the running water very slowly and stop before you actually touch it. If it's hot, you will feel the heat before you stick your hand under it. I was told you prefer showers to baths, so I had things set up in the shower. I want you to find the shower again."

Todd made his way over there.

"Good. Now when you are facing the shower, the faucets are on your right. There are bath towels hanging on the outside of the door. On the sidewall, opposite the entrance to the shower is a rack with some washcloths and under the washcloths there are some bottles. Step inside. It's dry in there now and I won't be turning on the water."

Todd found his way and stepped inside the shower.

"There is a bottle of liquid soap. There is shampoo and there is conditioner. Some bottles or tubes might have raised letters and you can identify them that way. These do not. There are all kinds of things you can do to your personal belongings to help you identify them. You can choose anything you like that is useful to you. Now since these items get wet, I chose things that would hold up under damp conditions. The shampoo has a piece of waterproof adhesive tape on it. The conditioner has a button taped to it with a piece of adhesive tape. The liquid soap has nothing. It is a smooth bottle. I want you to feel for the rack and find the shampoo."

Todd felt all three bottles. He handed Ryan the shampoo.

"Todd, you are making my job very easy. Good job! Right again on the first try."

"Do I look stupid doing this?" Todd whispered.

"You look like someone who can take care of himself," Ryan whispered back.

Todd did just as well at the sink. He was able to find the soap dispenser on the wall, the floss and toothpaste just as easily. He was able to feel his toothbrush for just the right amount of toothpaste. Ryan could see that Todd became embarrassed when he instructed him on using the toilet. Even with that, Todd processed the information and knew his choice was to feel for the toilet and then either straddle it or sit on it, to urinate.

"Well, my man," Ryan began when Todd sat down on his bed, after the session was over. "You have done a good day's work. I hate to blow my own horn, but I was right. You are smart and brave and you caught on quickly. Even more so than I had figured."

"So I pass blind lessons?" Todd asked seriously.

"You pass with an A plus. I'm very proud of you," Ryan said with a smile.

"Thanks," Todd whispered. He was feeling self-conscious. "Thanks for coming when I wanted you to. I'm sorry I was such a coward the first time you were here."

"Apology accepted. You weren't a coward. You had to be ready. Today, you were. I'm very happy that you got to where you are able to help yourself. Now, would you like to walk me to the nurses' station so I can add my notes to your chart?"

"Yeah," Todd agreed.

"Todd, would you like to see Viki and Sam now?" Susannah asked.

Todd felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. He knew he had to get this over with. "Yeah. I'll see them in the dayroom."

****************

Viki and Sam had been ushered into the dayroom. They had been waiting there for a few minutes when they saw Todd walk in. Their eyes filled with pride. Todd walked in unassisted, using his cane for guidance. Angelo and Frank followed behind. They were there to assure Todd's safety because of mental illness, not because they thought he would need them to guide him.

"Viki and Sam are sitting on the couch," Angelo let him know.

Todd nodded.

Viki jumped up when she saw him. She couldn't help herself. She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Sweetheart. I'm so happy you're back. I've missed you so much. We all have. I'm so proud of you. My goodness. You've learned so quickly. Frank told us that you did the best job in the world." Viki felt Todd's body stiffen. He had not reacted that way to her touch in a long time. She quickly released him.

"Is Sam here?" Todd asked without emotion or expression.

"I'm right here, Boomer. Do you want to come and sit next to me?" Sam called out.

"No," Todd responded quickly.

Sam felt despair wash over him. He'd hoped that Todd would still let him hold him like he did the last day he was out.

Todd found the chair with no problem. He sat down. Once Todd settled himself, he asked, "Can I talk to Sam and Viki without you guys sitting on top of me?"

Susannah nodded from her place by the dining table, where she sat to observe. The techs moved away from Todd, but stayed close enough to be at his side in the blink of an eye. The other staff members in the room held back as well. Todd didn't even know they were there.

"They moved away, Boomer," Sam told him.

"Sweetheart, how are you feeling?" Viki asked.

"My head hurts," Todd answered. "I don't wanna talk about how I'm feeling. I want you and Sam to do something for me."

"We'll do anything we can for you, pal. You know that," Sam declared.

Todd took a deep breath. They could see he was getting anxious. "I want you to send me away."

"What!" both Sam and Viki said at the same time.

"I want you to send me far away from here. I can get around by myself now. I want you to send me to someplace in Europe or South America or anywhere that's far from here. I don't care where it is. Until you can make arrangements to do that, I don't want either of you coming here. You can come and say goodbye to me right before they come to take me to wherever it is you're sending me to. Todd's fingers dug into the arms of his chair. He bit his lower lip. He was desperately trying to keep himself together.

Susannah and the staff kept quiet. They knew Viki and Sam needed to handle this.

"Boomer, what are you talking about? We're not going to send you away, ever!"

"Sweetheart, of course we're not going to send you away. What on earth would make you ask that?"

"I'm not asking! I'm telling you. I have a lot of money. I can pay to have you ship me somewhere. If the new loony bin is more expensive than this one, I can pay for that, too. All you have to do is find a place and send me there."

Viki and Sam looked helplessly at Susannah.

"Susannah, what the Hell is going on. What happened to him to make him feel this way?" Sam called out.

"Todd, I think Viki and Sam want to know why you want them to send you away," Susannah intervened.

"Because!" Todd answered childishly.

"Boomer, that's no answer. Did something happen to make you want to leave here?"

"No! It's not them. It's me! I wanna leave. It's my life and my crazy head. I can take them wherever I want!"

"No, sweetheart. You can't. Sam and I are your legal guardians."

"So you own me! You own my body and my mind. You can do whatever you want with me. I'm used to that!"

"It's not like that," Sam protested. "We want what's best for you. We'd never hurt you."

"This is hurting me!" Todd snapped back.

"How is it hurting you?" Viki asked.

"Because you're bossing me around. Everyone always bosses me around. You all tell me where I can and can't go, how long I can stay in the shower, you give me drugs I don't want. You do things to me that I don't want done. I wanna get out of here. I don't wanna be where you can come and see me. You don't have to keep coming around where you don't wanna be. You don't have to keep pretending. I don't need charity or pity. I only asked you to come here today so I could tell you this. I won't bother you after this. You can come and say goodbye if you want to, or you can say goodbye to me now."

"Boomer," Sam touched Todd's knee.

"Don't touch me!" Todd pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Oh, God. I'm sorry. I-I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you," Sam apologized.

"Wash your hands," Todd ordered.

"What? What's going on with you, pal?" Sam didn't understand.

"Wash your hands! Why won't anyone listen to me! Damn it, Sam! Wash your hands!" Todd was getting agitated.

"Okay. Okay. I'm going. I'll go the kitchenette right here in the dayroom," Sam agreed.

"Use a lot of soap," Todd called out after him.

"Sweetheart, please, tell us what's going on with you. Why are you worried about Sam washing his hands? Is it because he touched you?"

Todd suddenly remembered that Viki hugged him. "You go, too. You go, too, and wash."

"Todd, stop this. This is ridiculous. Baby, we won't catch anything from touching you. There is nothing wrong with you."

"You go wash up, too. And wash your face. Go! You go! YOU GO!"

"All right. All right. I'll go, too. If you calm down." Viki joined Sam in the kitchenette. She didn't wash.

"What's happened to him? What did they do to him while we were gone?" Sam asked. He was clearly frightened. The thoughts that Blair, and Todd himself, had planted in Sam's mind haunted him. Did the staff do something when no one was there to protect Todd? Sam wanted to kick himself for not staying at the hospital, while Ritchie was out.

"Honey, Susannah told us Ritchie disclosed some horrible sexual abuse and Todd heard him. I'm sure he's reacting to that." Viki reminded Sam.

"I'm cold." Todd complained. He was shivering.

Susannah draped a blanket over his shoulders. They kept a couple over the back of the couch. Todd wrapped it tightly around himself. Todd had not felt this cold in a while. Susannah knew it was more psychological than physical this time. Todd's anemia was greatly improved. His hemoglobin and hematocrit were almost at normal levels, since the Procrit. He was still quite underweight, but not as severely underweight as he had been.

"We're back. Viki and I are finished washing," Sam announced. He and Viki sat back down on the couch.

"Okay," Todd began again. "How long do you think it will take, a couple of days?"

"Todd. We are not transferring you out of here," Viki stated firmly. "You are getting excellent care here. We want you near us. Baby, we love you so much. Sam and I love you more than anyone else on the face of the earth."

"It's true, pal. We wouldn't be able to bear it if you were far away from us."

"They're lying to you Todd. They can't love you. Not you. Look at what you've done. Do you think anyone decent or good could ever really love you? They feel obligated. They don't realize that they are going to end up destroyed. You'll destroy everyone in your life Todd. You're doing my job for me."

Todd's shivering increased. "You do what I want! I don't need your lies or your pity. You couldn't wait to get away from me as soon as my back was turned. I don't want you here! I don't want to be here. I did good on my blind lesson. I'll be able to get around better. I won't need people to come near me. I want to go someplace far from here! I'm not asking to be turned loose on regular people. I want to stay locked up. Not here! Not here. Don't I have any rights?"

"Sweetheart, I know you're upset now. I understand. It's horrible when the memories start coming back."

"I don't want to stay here!" Todd insisted.

"Todd, I love you as if you were my own child," Viki told him. "I would do anything in the world to help you. Sending you to another hospital will not help you. I'm sorry."

"Sam? Please. You do it. You're my lawyer."

"I'm sorry. I won't help to send you to a hospital far away from here either."

"I hate you! I hate both of you!" Todd cried out.

"Stay cool. You are such an asshole. Todd you were always stupid and you always will be. You won't get anywhere carrying on like a stupid child. You know who to turn to. You were going to talk to her about Starr anyway. You know who will do anything for a price."

"Todd, are you hearing a voice or voices now?" Susannah asked. It was obvious to all of them that he was.

"Leave me alone! All of you! Get away! You can't make me talk to you. You can make me stay here. But you can't make me talk to any of you. You can forget that therapy crap. I'm not doing any more of it. I want Blair! You said I could see her. Get her over here!"

As they waited for Blair to arrive, Todd refused to say another word to any of them. He sat huddled in the chair with his knees pulled to his chest. He kept his head buried in his knees. They saw by his quivering shoulders that he would start crying every now and then and quickly pull himself together.

******************

Susannah quickly filled Blair in on the basics she needed to know before she went in to see Todd. Blair was visibly upset.

"Please try to stay calm. If you're upset he will sense it and become more upset himself," Susannah cautioned Blair. She also warned her not to touch Todd.

Blair walked over to where Todd sat cocooned in the chair.

"Todd, it's Blair. I'm here. It'll be okay. I'm here now."

Todd lifted his head. Blair saw his eyes were red and slightly swollen. She knew he had been crying. "Blair, are we alone."

"No. Viki and Sam are sitting here and Doctor Hanen and some of the staff are in here."

"I need to speak to Blair alone. I want her to come to my room with me."

"Todd, you know a staff member has to be with you," Susannah reminded him.

"I'm not gonna do anything wrong! I just want some damn privacy!"

"I'm not worried about being alone with Todd," Blair spoke up. "Let me take him to his room."

"We'll walk with you and Todd and then wait outside his room," Frank spoke up.

Blair was shocked to see Todd walk with a cane. She also marveled at how quickly he had learned. When she praised him, he told her it was no big deal. Todd was already minimizing his accomplishment.

Once Blair and Todd were settled at the table in his room, Frank walked out. He left the door open enough to have a clear view of them.

"Okay, Todd. He's gone. We're alone in your room. Please, tell me what has you so upset that you want to go far away from us."

"Move your chair close to mine," Todd instructed.

Blair pulled up next to him.

"I need to whisper," Todd told her.

Blair put her ear next to Todd's lips.

"There're two things I want you to do for me. I want you go to the bank and get me enough money to live on for a while. Then I want you to help me escape from here."

"Todd!" Blair was shocked. She would have done anything for him. She knew he had no idea how hard she had been trying to get him out of this hospital all along, but not this way . . . not on his own . . . to run off somewhere. "You know I would do anything in the world to help you. Baby, I can't do this."

"Look, Blair, I don't expect you to do it for free. There's a lot in it for you. You can have the Sun for good. I'll sign whatever papers you want me to sign. I'll give you ten million dollars. In fact you just get me enough to live on for a while and you can have the rest. And you get Starr. That's the other thing. I want you to tell Starr I died."

Blair gasped. "Todd! My God! How can you say such a thing? You want me to tell our little girl that you died!"

"It's for her own good. I'm never going to be okay. I'll probably end up in some other loony bin wherever I go. The worst thing in the world for Starr is to be around me."

"That's not true! Just spending one day with you made Starr happier than I've seen her in a very long time. She's not having nightmares anymore. She's behaving better in school. She's almost like her own self again. That was after only one visit. Todd, Starr would be the happiest little girl in the world if you came home to her."

"She's too young to know better. I will hurt her. I'll ruin her life. I've probably already cursed her to God knows what. Listen to me Blair. This is not up for debate. Now you do what I asked and you'll have everything you've ever wanted."

Tears splashed down Blair's face. She wanted to tell him that he is everything she would ever want. She hoped it wasn't too late. She knew Todd had every reason to think she would only help him for a price. She had put her help and love on the auction block one time too often. "Todd, please listen to me. This has nothing to do with money or the paper or custody. I would help you without you having to give me anything. I can't! Viki and Sam are your guardians. They control everything. I have no access to your money."

Todd looked stunned. Apparently he did not understand. "Viki and Sam keep me here. They had me committed. What does that have to do with my money?"

"They are in charge of everything. They make financial decisions for you as well as medical. When Viki became your guardian, the judge put her in charge of everything because you were not able . . ." Blair's voice trailed off.

"Because I'm too crazy to handle anything." Suddenly Todd slapped his forehead with the palm of his right hand. "I get it. I get it, Blair. You already have the Sun. You have Starr. I'm too crazy to run a newspaper or be a father to Shorty. You've already gotten what you want. Why the Hell should you help me."

"Todd, I have no way of getting your money! Please listen to me. Viki controls everything!"

"You always have ways, Blair! You don't give a damn what you have to do or who gets hurt while you do it. You've always been able to get whatever you want, if you have to lie, steal and cheat every inch of the way. You just don't wanna help me. You can have it all. I don't need much. Maybe someday I can get a job. I don't care what I do. I can be a janitor somewhere like I was here. Just leave me enough to get far away and to live on for a little while. That's tens of millions of dollars, Blair! Between that and the newspaper you can make this whole town eat dirt! Don't you tell me that's not what you want more than anything. Don't you dare tell me that."

"Todd. Please. Don't be that way." Blair wanted to tell him about her plan. She wanted to tell him that she still loved him. She was afraid to. She didn't know if Todd would be able to keep it to himself when he became confused. Blair learned how easily secrets could come out when she told Addie all her secrets about "fake babies" when she first tricked Todd into marrying her.

Todd reached out for Blair's face. She thought he was going to caress her cheek. She gasped when Todd grabbed her face between his hands and squeezed her cheeks together.

"Blair, you love money." Todd's voice was deadly calm and just above a whisper.

It frightened Blair more than if he had screamed in her face. Even here . . . even sick . . . when Todd was like this Blair felt he was capable of making her sorry.

"Yeah. You love power and revenge. Don't you, Blair? The Sun isn't enough. Is it? This is getting your revenge on me time big time. You do this. You go ahead and do this, Blair. Just one thing . . . you get down on your knees every night and pray I don't ever get free. No one will be able to save you. You'll be gone like a puff of smoke."

"Todd, you're hurting me," Blair cried out.

Before she had gotten the words out, Frank was at their side. "Let go of Blair, Todd, now!"

Todd brought his hands down.

"Blair, Todd is becoming too agitated. You need to leave," Frank said firmly.

"GO AHEAD! LEAVE! YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING YOUR REVENGE ON ME, AREN'T YOU! YOU LIED AND PLAYED ME FOR A FOOL FROM THE BEGINNING! YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!" Todd screamed in the direction of Blair's voice.

"How can you say that to me?" Blair cried out. "You know I loved you. When we got married that second time you know I loved you! And you loved me! Todd, you have to remember that I loved you. It almost killed me when they told me you died. I wanted to die right along with you. I would have if it hadn�t have been for Starr."

"Blair, leave! Please don't make me call security," Frank ordered.

"THAT'S WHY YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO SCREW THE STABLE BOY PROFESSOR! BECAUSE YOU WERE DYING INSIDE FROM MISSING ME! YOU WERE SORRY I EVER CAME BACK!"

"No! I was so happy. I felt like someone had given me my life back when I found out you were still alive! I don't even care that you took Starr!"

"LIAR!" Todd continued to scream. "WELL STARR'S ALL YOURS NOW. ARE YOU HAPPY! YOU TELL HER I'M DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME BLAIR! YOU WON'T HELP ME ANYMORE. YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO LET ME BUY YOUR HELP ANYMORE! IF YOU CARE ABOUT STARR YOU TELL HER I'M DEAD! YOU TELL HER I'M DEAD! YOU TELL HER I'M DEAD, BLAIRRRRR"

Todd did not realize that Susannah and Terry and Eileen had come into the room and the two nurses had ushered Blair out.

Blair heard Todd's screams as she made her way toward Viki and Sam. "What happened to him? What did you let them do to him?"

They heard what Todd had screamed as well. Their hearts broke for Blair. They knew she had rushed over as soon as Todd needed her and her intent was to help him. Viki tried to take Blair's hand. Blair pulled away.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!" she shrieked.

"Blair. You need to calm down," Terry said. "I know you're very upset right now. I'm sorry. Todd has had a very hard day. You need to take what he said in the context of that. If you wait until they have Todd settled, Susannah will come out and speak with you and help you to understand."

"YOU GO TO HELL! YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL! YOU TURNED HIM AGAINST ME!"

"No, Blair! You did that all by yourself." Blair was shocked to hear T�a. She had not realized she was there.

T�a couldn't take sitting in her room anymore. She came early. She hoped she could talk to Susannah before Todd wanted to see her. She had been in Susannah's outer office. T�a had to force herself to stay put when she heard Todd's screams. From where she sat she couldn't make out what he was saying, but she heard his pain. She knew that for some reason Todd wanted to see her at a specific time and she respected that, so she used every bit of willpower she had not to run to Todd. When T�a heard Blair shrieking in the lounge, she could not contain herself and she stepped out.

T�a got into Blair's face. T�a's eyes were blazing. "You used Todd and lied to him and manipulated him. You used his daughter as a weapon against him and then you cried foul when he did the same to you. You took everyone's side against him. You took a man who was afraid to trust and proved his fears right. You knew how hurt and damaged Todd was when you met him and still you used him. He was so good to you! How could you do that to him!"

"You know nothing! I loved Todd! Todd loved me! You don't want to believe that! I loved him!" Blair proclaimed.

"I know you did!" T�a's voice became quiet and sad. "I believe it. You did love him and I know he loved you. That's what makes the way you destroyed each other even worse."

Blair looked into T�a's eyes. In her heart she knew every word T�a said was true. In her mind, she felt pure hatred. "I wish that window had been on a higher floor," Blair spat out.

"Blair! For God's sake." Viki shook her head.

"You'll see! You'll all see who Todd really loves when he's well and he doesn't have you brainwashing him." Blair stormed to the unit doors.

Nancy headed for the door with her keys. "Would you like to go somewhere private to calm down and then come back for the meeting?" Nancy asked. Like the others, she didn't want to see Blair this hurt or upset. They all, including Viki and T�a, realized that she did care about Todd.

"No! I want to leave. Just let me out!"

Nancy opened the doors and Blair left.

"Viki, Sam, I'm sorry. I should have stayed in Susannah's office and kept my mouth shut or I should have waited in my room until Doctor Hanen called me."

"Maybe you should have," Sam declared. He didn't know what or who to believe and he could not take this constant fighting.

Viki gave Sam "a look." "I know you and Blair push each other's buttons. I do think you should avoid arguing with her, but I know you stepped forward because you love Todd."

"I hope Todd didn't hear all of this. Oh Viki, Sam, I am sorry. I'm not sorry for what I said to Blair," T�a admitted. "I'm sorry that I said it here. Please tell Doctor Hanen that I'll be waiting in her office. I have plenty of time. I won't come out again until Todd asks for me." T�a headed back.

Viki shook her head and sat down with a sigh. Sam headed over to the window. He would once again stare out at the city below, without really seeing it, as he became lost in his own thoughts.

*****************

Todd panicked when he realized he still felt the need to intimidate women the way he had just done. Todd hated himself for what he had just done to Blair. He never meant to. Todd didn't realize that as hard as he had tried to forgive and forget some of the things Blair had done to him, there was still resentment, though he had told himself over and over again that she acted out of desperation and her own tragic childhood. There were feelings that were stirred that were similar to those Todd's father brought out in him. Some of the things Blair did to Todd, like make him crawl to her and apologize to her after he forced her to take a pregnancy test, were still with Todd on an unconscious level.

******************

Todd had been right in his suspicions that Blair was not really pregnant when they got married. Max Holden had told him as much, as had his sister Tina. It was only through sheer luck that Blair really was pregnant by the time Todd forced her to take the pregnancy test. Even though Blair knew she had lied to Todd and played him for a fool, she made him pay for catching her. She made him think she was through with him and made him beg her forgiveness. Then, weeks later, Todd overheard Blair's mom reveal that it was Cord Blair really loved and not him. Todd's pain had been intense. He lashed out verbally at Blair. Even though she should have realized that Todd had every reason in the world to lash out at her, Blair became distraught and drove off by herself. She ended up getting mugged on the docks and lost the baby.

Todd had put all his hopes and dreams into this baby. He wanted to give it all the love, caring and attention that he never had. He wanted the best life for it that any child could have. He already loved it dearly. Todd was inconsolable, still, he put his pain aside to be there to comfort Blair and help her though her pain. Once again, Blair turned on him. She threw his words in his face and blamed him for the loss of the baby. She accused him of wanting the baby dead. She walked out on him and ran to Cord. It was only after she saw Cord hugging his ex-wife Tina, and believed that it was his ex-wife Cord would always want and stay with, that Blair returned to Todd and again made him feel like he had to crawl to her and beg for her forgiveness to keep her from leaving him.

Blair had her aunt and her cousins to turn to. Except for Blair, Todd was all alone in the world. Viki was dealing with her own mental problems at the time and could not be a sister to him. Even though Blair never told Todd she loved him, he had hoped and prayed that she did. What made it even more painful for Todd was that he did love Blair. Todd's capacity to love was huge. It was powerful and intense. Todd knew about Blair's deprived childhood and the pain it caused her. He wanted to make up for all the hurt she'd been through. Todd treated Blair like a queen. He knew it was the "Lord Heir" and not the hospital janitor that she wanted to be married to. It hurt, but he accepted that. He realized Blair wanted to turn two pathetic losers into people who ruled their world from their tower above Llanview. He tried with everything he had and knew to make the fairy tale come true for her. Despite this, Blair still wanted Cord Roberts.

Then Todd discovered that Blair had lied about being pregnant and she did trick him into marrying her. He erroneously believed the baby he had given his heart to, and mourned so deeply for that he wanted to die along with it, had not been his at all. He believed it had been Cord's. Peter Manning's words that all women were liars, whores, cheats, and could never be trusted, came back to haunt Todd. Peter's voice telling Todd no one could ever love him because he was garbage pelted Todd's brain. He felt like the loser and stupid fool his father always told him he was for allowing himself to be tricked. What brought out the worst parts of Todd, his rage, his violence, was that he felt like the little boy who so desperately wanted to be loved by his father that he would be willing to do whatever his father wanted him to do for some scraps of love and affection.

********************

"Todd. It's Doctor Hanen. Blair left. You need to calm down."

Todd gasped for breath as he tried to calm himself. "Don't drug me. Please! I'll be good. Don't drug me. I need to be able to think."

"Okay, shhhh. Relax. If you can calm without medication, we won't give you anything. Medication is not punishment. It helps you when you are not able to help yourself. I'm sure you don't like feeling this way."

Todd sat back in his chair.

Susannah noticed he was once again using coping skills. He was taking deep, slow breaths the way he had been taught. He was trying to relax his muscles. Oh, Todd. You are getting so much better. I wish you could realize that and stop being your own worst enemy, Susannah thought. Susannah realized that even the things Todd said to Blair spoke volumes for how much he had progressed. His thoughts and memories had been well organized when he said what he did.

Once Todd had calmed enough, Susannah gently asked, "Can you tell me why you want to go to another hospital?"

Todd wanted to tell Susannah all the thoughts that had gone through his head while he waited for Blair to come. He wanted to tell Susannah it was because he had come to care so much about her and think of her like another mom. He could not bear the thought of her getting hurt because of him. He cared very much for Frank and Jeff and some of the other staff members. He wished Frank could be like a dad to him. He was afraid for them. Todd was also terrified that they all hated him for what he had done to his mother and for what he let his father do to him. He knew it was just a matter of time before they walked out on him too. In Todd's mind, Viki and Sam had already left him. It didn't take much to convince Todd he was being abandoned. When neither Viki nor Sam was there when he came back, he knew they had gotten as disgusted with him as his mother had. This frightened Todd so much and caused him so much pain that he tried to push it out of his mind with all his might. Todd's love for Viki and Sam and his need for their love was overwhelming. He believed he made Sam and Viki hate him. The staff were the only parent figures he had now. He told himself they had to stay with him because he was their job. They were being paid to stay with him. He wanted them to really care about him and love him, and now that would never happen. Any chance of that was ruined when this horrible truth came out.

As for T�a, Todd understood that she had to rest because of her injury. Todd was relieved that T�a had not been around him. Next to Starr, T�a was the person Todd most wanted to keep away from him, once again.

Todd wished he could get the memory of Ritchie's disclosure out of his mind. He wanted to bang his head into the wall. He knew they would stop him. He wanted relief from the pictures in his head and the loud noise. He could hear Ritchie's tortured cries. He could hear Andy crying. He could hear Saber egging him on. He heard babies and children crying. Todd felt like his head was going to explode. Even his papa had forsaken him. Viki and Sam wouldn't let him go to another hospital where he could be among strangers . . . strangers he didn't have to care about or worry about hurting . . . strangers whose love he didn't want. Then Todd thought it would be for the better just to go off on his own. He wanted to die. He wanted to go somewhere where he could kill himself. Blair had been his last hope.

Saber was furious with Todd. Blair had been Saber's hope, too. He believed there was nothing she wouldn't or couldn't do for a price. He wanted Todd somewhere, where he could kill him, or get him to kill himself. Saber had stayed quiet during Todd's session with Ryan, even though he had been bursting at the seams to ridicule Todd. He wanted Todd to be able to get around, should some form of escape become possible. Saber doubted Todd was man enough to go through with killing himself on his own. Now Todd had blown this chance, too. Saber was quiet now. He didn't want Todd to be drugged either. He wanted him to feel the pain of what he had done. Saber also hoped that Todd would still figure out a way to talk one of those stupid people who pretended to care so much into letting him go. Saber went back to his room. He needed to get away from the sounds of those children crying. He hated them. He knew he would want to kill them right now if they didn't shut up. Saber prided himself on his patience. He waited this long. He could wait a little longer to put an end to Todd. He had a feeling it would not be that much longer, despite how Todd had blown this opportunity.

"Todd, you're doing a great job calming down. I'm very proud of you," Susannah praised him. "You've learned how to utilize your coping skills."

"You don't have to try to make me feel good about myself. I know what I am."

"Tell me what you think you are," Susannah asked.

"I'm a loser! I'm an idiot!" Todd hung his head. His voice became so low it was almost a whisper. "I'm a disgusting pervert. I'm a monster . . . a rapist. I hurt people. That's what I do best. I make them leave. I make them die. I make them do horrible things."

"Whom did you make do horrible things?" Susannah pressed.

"My mom. My dad. I made him hate me and want to hurt me. I made my mom let him and then leave me. I made Viki and Sam leave me. Delgado left." Todd's chin quivered. "Don't matter. It's for the best anyway. Viki and Sam only felt obligated to stay with me. Delgado pities me. She needs to be set free. You and Frank and the others can get paid just as much to take care of someone who's worth your time and effort."

"You are very worth our time and effort. I don't know of one staff member who would not want to help you to get well, even if we were not being paid. Viki and Sam love you with all their hearts. It hurt them when you were inside and the alter who was out didn't care if they were here or not." Susannah noticed that Todd still winced at the word alter. "T�a loves you, Todd. All she dreams about and thinks about is a life with you. Blair loves you and your daughter adores you. The sun rises and sets with you as far as Starr is concerned. You have been the best father to her that any child could have. I wish all the children in the world had a father as good as you."

"Now I know you're lying," Todd quipped. "I'm the worst thing that could happen to Shorty and Delgado. They'll both be better off without me. I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid. I know that much."

"Why do you always say such negative things about yourself?" Susannah asked.

"They're true," Todd insisted.

"No, they're not true at all. There is not one person here who thinks those things of you. Your family doesn't think those things of you. Only your father said those things to you and I don't think he really believed them either."

Todd looked shocked. "You sure don't know my dad. He believed every word of them. He never stopped cursing the day he got me for a son. My real dad and mom thought that, too. That's why they gave me away."

"I think your dad needed to put you down so he could feel better about himself. He needed someone to belittle and bully. He tried to lessen his own pain by causing pain to others. Do you remember much about your grandfather Ed?" Susannah posed.

Todd shrugged. "Some."

"Do you remember the way he was with your dad . . . the way he made your dad feel?"

Todd thought back. A tear trickled down his cheek. "He made my dad feel bad and stupid. He was always putting him down. Nothing my dad could do was ever good enough for him. My dad made so much money and he acted like his job was worthless. Dad would get him things, like expensive sets of golf clubs and hunting equipment. Grandpa Ed would always find something wrong with it and make Dad feel like he gave him a bag of garbage instead of a gift. He called my dad stupid and worthless. He told him he was a lost . . ." Todd's voice trailed off.

Susannah gave him a few minutes to process this. "You sound like you feel sad for your dad. Do you think your grandpa was being mean and unfair to your dad or do you think he was right about him?"

"My dad wasn't stupid! He ran an important business. He made lots of money. He was good at sports. He was a big lady's man. Everyone was afraid of my dad. He didn't take crap from anyone."

Susannah saw that no matter what he had done to him, Todd still rushed to his father's defense. She saw so much of Rocky come through Todd. She also saw what she saw in so many abuse children. Like an abused puppy, they still defended their master. "So you don't think your dad should have believed all the negative things his dad tried to make him feel and believe about himself?" Susannah asked.

"No! My dad was none of those things. Grandpa Ed liked to make him feel bad. He liked to make him feel like dirt. It made him feel good to hurt my dad." Another tear slid down Todd's cheek.

"Do think it's possible that if your grandpa was just trying to make your dad feel bad, and none of that was true, that your dad was doing the same to you?" Susannah encouraged comparison and a realistic perception.

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore." Todd held his knees to his chest again.

"It's hard to think that your dad was wrong about you and that you are none of the things he said you are."

"Shut up!" Todd cried out.

"What would it mean if you realized that your dad was completely wrong about you?"

"I said shut up! I don't know! That's why I'm stupid!"

"Come on, Todd. What do you think it would mean?" Susannah pushed.

Some more tears trickled down Todd's cheeks.

"Honey, what would it mean if everything your dad told you about yourself was a lie?"

Todd hung his head. "That I can be loved," he whispered.

Susannah smiled. "You can be loved, and you are. None of those things your dad said are true. Your dad was hurt and angry. He wanted to hurt back. He was afraid. He couldn't get back at his dad because he was afraid of him. He picked on those who couldn't fight back . . . women . . . children. Todd, it wasn't you. It was never you. It was your dad. You are a wonderful and loveable young man. You are also a brilliant young man. You don't have to take my word for it. Your IQ proves that. Your family, the staff and I love spending time with you because of who you are and not because we are being paid to or because of obligations or pity.

Saber couldn't stand this. Even though his head was throbbing, he trudged out of his room. "What's next, Todd? Are you going to buy the Brooklyn Bridge? God, you are stupid! How can you doubt that your father told you the truth about that? You just proved him right. Your wonderful Doctor Hanen doesn't want to lose her paycheck, asshole. A nut job like you must bring in a pretty penny. What do you think she's going to tell you? She wants you to keep letting Sam and Viki to come see you. They probably pay her extra so they can come here and not feel guilty. Then they leave and curse you for being such a burden to them. Go ahead. Believe you're worthy of love. Set yourself up. See if I care. I tried to warn you when you were a kid. I tried to warn all of you. You and those bastards ignored me. All you got for that was hurt over and over again. You wanted to be good enough for them to love you and you never were. It's a lie all right, Todd. Only it wasn't your dad who lied. It's your so-called family. It's that bitch doctor and Sam and Viki and let's not forget your precious wife. You know she needs a real man. You know how you've treated her. You've already done things to her that you father did to your mother. Are you going to do the rest to her? What about your daughter, Todd? You heard the good doctor. Your grandfather did to your father what your father did to you. How long do you think it will be before you do the same thing to that kid of yours? You have the double whammy, Todd. You also have Victor Lord's blood running through you. There's only one way to stop it. You know what you have to do. Don't let that woman's lies stop you."

"Please," Todd begged. He pressed his palms, tightly, to his ears.

Susannah knew Todd panicked at the thought that he could be lovable. It gave him hope and that terrified him. He immediately had to sabotage it. She also knew Saber would be angered by any validation of Todd, if he were listening. Combine the two and Susannah knew what Todd must be hearing.

Susannah covered Todd's hands with her own. "Shhhh, Todd you don't have to listen to him. He's angry because he's jealous. Saber can be loved too, if he gives us a chance. Maybe he's jealous because you are brave enough to give us a chance."

Saber's face was filled with fury. His voice took on an icy chill. "Yes, Todd. Let them keep you here. Let them keep coming here to see you. How long will it be before the evilness and filth of someone who shoved his cock in his own mother's mouth and pissed on her and touched her in all those dirty little places destroys them? You let your own father do things, oh such nasty things, to you and you did them to him for a pat on the head. Go ahead. Let them give you a clean bill of health and send you back to those you think you love. How long will it be before you go into your daughter's room at night and teach her what your dad taught you? How long will it be before you rape T�a?"

"NOOOOOOO!" Todd screamed. He pushed Susannah away so hard she almost fell off her chair. Todd jumped up. Without his cane, he tried to run for the door. He tripped over the coffee table. Before Todd had a chance to get up again, Susannah, and seven of her staff got him in a hold. "LET GO! I HATE YOU! I DON'T WANNA STAY HERE! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE EVERYONE TO GET HURT. YOU HURT ME INSTEAD! YOU KILL ME! YOU KILL ME NOW! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!"

As they had noticed earlier, Todd's strength was coming back. Todd's struggling increased. They were about to call a code four and get help from other units when Todd stopped struggling. Todd trembled in their arms. He gasped as he tried to get his breath.

They didn't know that Saber had gotten Todd to stop. He warmed him to "stop this shit," and do what he had to do, or he would take care of it for him.

"That's it, buddy. You're doing great. Take deep, slow breaths. Okay. We've got you. We won't let you hurt yourself," Frank said to Todd.

After a few more minutes Todd's breathing became more even. His trembling decreased.

Terry pressed a cool cloth against Todd's warm and sweaty brow and then pressed it against his cheeks and neck. "Relax, Todd. Shhhh. Relax your muscles," Terry prompted.

Mark did vitals on him. "You're fine, Todd. Everything's okay."

"Todd, do you feel that you can stay safe if we let you go?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded.

"I'm going to let go of your head," Susannah told him.

Todd stayed calm.

"Okay, bud. I'm going to let go of your legs," Angelo told him. "No kicking."

"I won't," Todd said weakly.

"Good job. You're doing great," Angelo praised him.

"I'm going to let you go. Are you ready to stand up?" Frank asked.

"Frank, I'm sorry," Todd said with a trembling voice.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. You got upset and you calmed yourself down. We're all very proud of you," Frank said sincerely.

"No, I'm sorry because I got it on you. I didn't mean to hurt you. You've got kids at home. Promise me." Todd drew in a deep breath. A tortured sob escaped.

"Promise you what?" Frank asked tenderly. His hold had turned into a hug.

"I know they have showers for hospital staff. Promise me you'll wash it off before you go home to your kids," Todd choked out.

"There's nothing to wash off. Todd, no one will get hurt because they touched you."

"Please, Frank. You don't want your kids to turn out like me. Promise me!" Todd begged.

Frank sighed. His heart was breaking for the young man in his arms. "I promise I will not bring anything home with me other than the pride and admiration I feel for you. And for the record, I would be very happy and proud if my kids turned out like you."

Todd closed his eyes. Tears squeezed through. He knew there was no point in arguing with Frank. Will some innocent kids suffer because of me? Todd thought to himself.

"I wanna stand up," Todd managed to get out.

"Here's your cane, hon." Terry held it out to him.

"Thanks," Todd said softly. "Which way are the chairs that are by the couch?"

Once he was oriented, Todd made his way over, by himself, and sat down. As he had before, Todd pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them. This time he rocked in a further attempt to self-soothe. Finally he raised his head. "Can someone call Delgado? I'm ready to see her."

"She's here, Todd. T�a's in my office. Do you want her to come here, to the dayroom?" Susannah asked.

Todd shuddered. This was it. He had to do it now. "No. I wanna go to her. I wanna walk by myself." Todd told himself that he wanted T�a to see that he could take care of himself. He couldn't admit to himself that he wanted her to be proud of him and that's why it was so important to him to have his session with Ryan before he met with T�a, this one last time.

Susannah knew T�a wanted to talk to her, but she did not want to put Todd off. He was holding it together by a thread. She had a feeling that the only thing that had helped him to calm himself just now was his desire to see T�a.

"Are you ready to go to my office now?" Susannah asked.

Todd bit his lip and nodded. He stood up oriented himself and positioned his cane the way Ryan taught him. Susannah and the staff stayed as far back as they felt was safe. Todd made it to the door and out into the hallway.

"Do you remember how to get to my office?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

He headed in the right direction. He did not think about falling or tripping or bumping into anyone or anything as he made his way. All he could think of was having the strength and guts to do what he had to do once he got to his Delgado.

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT 2001 RS/RHFC

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