PREVIOUSLY
They all looked toward the
dayroom when they heard Timmy cry out. Timmy had been having a bad dream.
[A big purple, dragon like
monster was ripping pictures of Timmy's mommy off the wall. As had once actually happened to Timmy,
months before, Timmy watched the pictures of his mother fall to his feet.
"Your mommy's never coming back,"
Timmy heard the monster growl. The
monster had long arms with claws at the end of each one. Timmy looked down at the fallen pictures of
his mother. He looked up at the
monster. He tried to run. He couldn't get his legs to move. . . .]
Timmy's eyes were open. He was struggling with them. He was caught between reality and his
nightmare. Kevin rushed to T�a and
pulled her up off the couch. He too was
trying to protect her against any accidental injury. Still slightly dazed, T�a tripped. Kevin caught her before she fell, but not before the part of
Timmy that was conscious of what was going on in the room saw T�a start to
fall.
From where they stood in the
doorway, Nora and Rachel's eyes opened wide when they heard the child in Steve,
Jeff, and Susannah's arms shriek with pain and start screaming for them not to
touch him.
*********************************************************************************************************************************************
"OHHHHH! IT HUUURRRRRTS! STOOOOP! PLEEEEEASE!
YOU'RE HURTING ME! LET GO! OHHHHH! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA FELL! MAMAAAAAA!
MAMA, PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY AND DIE! MAMA! MAAAAMAAAA! DON'T LEAVE US! IT HURTS! MAMA,
PLEASE! IT HURTS SO MUCH! MAMAAAA! DON'T LEAVE US! I'M SORRY! I'LL HELP YOU, MAMA! I WON'T LET HIM HURT YOU THIS TIME! MAMAAAAA, PLEEEEEASE! DON'T DIE! MAAAAMAAAA!"
More
staff had rushed to the dayroom at the sound of Jimmy's shrieks. They now had him in a hold on the floor.
Nora
and Rachel had unconsciously linked arms and huddled together. Jimmy's screams tore into their hearts. They had never heard such raw agony emitting
from anyone before. This young boy's
screams seemed to come from the depth of his soul.
"Jimmy! Jimmy, look at me. It's Doctor Hanen. Jimmy,
T�a is fine. She just tripped. She didn't fall. � Look at her, Jimmy.� T�a
is not your mama and she is not hurt."
"YOU'RE
HURTING ME!� TOUCH HURTS!� OHHHHHH!�
I LET MAMA DIE!� I LET HIM HURT
HER!� SHE KNOWS I DIDN'T HELP HER!� I WANNA DIE!� PLEASE LET ME BE WITH MY MAMA!�
PLEEEEASE!� I WANNA BE WITH MY
MAMA!"
T�a,
Viki, Kevin and Sam wanted desperately to help Jimmy.� They had no idea how.�
They stood by helplessly as physical and emotional pain consumed him.
"Jimmy,
I know it's hurting you to be touched.�
We can't let you go unless you show us you can stay safe and will not
hurt yourself." Susannah spoke firmly, yet there was a gentleness to her
tone.� She understood that the pain he
felt at their touch was very real to him.�
Susannah ordered heavy sedation, in case he could not calm.� She was worried about him going into shock
from the pain he was experiencing.
"Jimmy,
you did not hurt mama or let her get hurt.�
Todd's father did.� Your mama
loved you.� She did not want to leave
you."
"SHE
FELL!� I JUST SAW HER!� SHE FELL!�
HE PUSHED HER AND I DIDN'T HELP HER!�
MAMA!� MAMA, I'M SORRY!� HE HURT YOU BECAUSE YOU CAME TO SEE US.� YOU GOT HURT BECAUSE OF US AND WE DIDN'T
HELP YOU!� MAMA!� WAIT FOR ME!� DON'T GO WITHOUT ME!�
MAAAMAAA!� LET ME DIE!� I WANNA BE WITH MAMA!� LET ME DIIIIIIIE!"
T�a
rushed to Jimmy and stood in front of him.�
"Jimmy, I didn't fall.� I'm
fine.� Please, look at me.� I'm fine.�
I'm T�a. �I'm not your mama.� I didn't get hurt."
Jimmy
was too lost in his suffering to make sense out of what anyone was saying to
him.
"Susannah,
his skin is starting to feel clammy," Steve called out.
"Get
ready to roll him," Susannah ordered.
Eileen
stood by with the sedative.� When they
rolled him on the count of three, she exposed his thigh and injected the
sedation.
Jimmy's
screams continued for another few minutes before they turned to whimpers and
moans.� His breathing became heavy for a
few minutes before he completely succumbed to the medication, and fell into a
deep sleep.
They
did vitals on him.� His pressure was a
little lower than was average for most of the alters or Todd.� However, he was not in any danger.� His pulse was regular.� There was no seizure activity.� Everyone watched in silence as a gurney was
brought in and Jimmy was placed on it and covered with a blanket.� Susannah ordered them to start an IV once he
was settled in his own bed.� She wanted
to make sure to keep him hydrated and she wanted quick access to medicate him,
with minimal touching.� Susannah did not
want mechanical restraints used on him if it could be avoided.� She ordered him on two-to-one status.� Jeff and Steve sat by his bedside within
arm's reach should it become necessary to keep him safe.
After Jimmy had been taken
to his room, Susannah asked everyone to join in a debriefing, including Nora
and Rachel.� She saw they were in as
much need to talk about what just happened as the staff and Todd's family.� Susannah would speak with Jeff and Steve
later.
*********************
Chairs had been placed in a
circle.� Everyone sat silently for the
first few moments.� Of them all, Sam was
the most shaken.� He looked pale and
drawn.
Nora was the first to
speak.� "Susannah, what just happened
here?� What happened to that little
boy?� Why did Timmy change like that and
start shrieking those things?"
Susannah turned to Viki and
Sam.� "Do you have any objections
to me explaining the situation to Nora and Rachel?"
Viki thought for a few seconds.� She didn't see the harm in them
knowing.� In fact she wanted Nora to
know some of the suffering Todd had been through.� Viki rested her hand on Sam's arm.� "Is it all right with you if we speak in front of Nora and
Rachel?"� Sam did not even hear the
question.� He was on autopilot when he
nodded in agreement.
Susannah began.� "That wasn't Timmy.� The dream Timmy had and seeing T�a trip
triggered a switch.� The boy you saw is
Jimmy.�� Jimmy is fourteen.� The day before she died, Todd's mother tried
to see him.� She knew she was dying and
wanted to see Todd one last time.� Todd
had been severely beaten by his father the night before.� Peter kept him home from school that day so
the teachers wouldn't see the bruises.�
He was there when his mother showed up.�
Neither she nor Peter knew that Todd was hiding at the top of the
stairs.� He saw his mother begging Peter
to allow her to see him more time.� He
saw how bad she looked.� He heard Peter
refuse to let her see him.� He heard her
mention the letters she wrote to him.�
Todd saw his mother get down on her knees and beg Peter to let her see
him.� He saw Peter grab his mother and
push her out the door, causing her to fall.�
At this point Jimmy came out.� He
immediately went into Peter's bathroom and tried to kill himself with an
overdose of Peter's sleeping pills.�
Peter caught him and forced him to vomit.� Barbara Manning died the next day.� Todd repressed the entire incident.� He has no conscious memory of the last time he saw his
mother.� Jimmy holds a tremendous amount
of grief.� He is severely depressed and
suicidal."
Nora knew her sister well
enough to see that underneath Susannah's calm and matter-of-fact explanation of
Jimmy's behavior, Susannah's heart was breaking for Todd and his mother.
Nora glanced in Viki's
direction and then in T�a's.� She saw
that despite prior knowledge of this, they both had tears spilling down their
cheeks as they listened to Susannah talk.�
Nora's eyes shifted to Sam and Kevin.�
Tears had welled up in Kevin's eyes.�
He bit his lip to keep them from spilling.� Sam sat stone-faced.� He
stared off into space.� Rachel wiped
some tears from her eyes.� Nora felt
detached.� She appreciated the horror of
what Peter Manning had done to a dying mother and her child.� Still, she felt nothing.� She quickly told herself that what Todd had
done to her had killed any real sympathy she would have ordinarily had for
someone with his history.� Nora had
already pushed aside the tug in her heart that she had felt for Timmy.� It had confused the hell out of her.
"Does anyone have any
problems or comments about the way the restraint was handled or with medicating
him?" Susannah asked.
They each thought for a
moment.� They all understood that it was
necessary.� Jimmy was beyond being able
to calm himself or keep himself safe.�
He was suffering.� They all
either shook their head or said "no."
"Susannah, do you think
he's at risk for suicide?" Viki asked.
"Yes.� I'm afraid I do.� He'll be placed on suicide precautions.� He will continue to be on two-to-one status.� I'll access him when he wakes up.� I may need your consent to increase his
medication for as long as Jimmy stays out.�
He may need to be kept moderately sedated around the clock."
Viki nodded and wiped away
another tear as it slid down her cheek.
"It's a difficult image
to get out of your head," Janet remarked.
"I know.� I can't help thinking what it would be like
to be dying and not allowed to see my child one last time," Eileen
commented.
"Peter Manning took
sadism to new heights, that's for sure." Mark grit his teeth.� "My brother and I have always been
close to my mom.� When I think of Todd
living all these years with that memory locked inside his brain . . . man! . .
. I . . . damn!"� Mark hit his fist
into his palm.
"Why does Jimmy react
that way to touch?" Rachel asked.
"I'm not sure yet.� Jimmy has not been out often and when he is
out it usually ends the way it did today, with him being sedated."
"Is it the same as
Brina, that young girl who's afraid of being contaminated by germs if we touch
her?" T�a asked.
"Brina?" Nora
asked.
"She's a
twelve-year-old alter who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder and fears
germs." Viki explained.� She added
nothing about her twin, Angel.� Viki was
too exhausted to get into it.
"No, I don't believe
Jimmy has OCD or any fear of germs.� I
believe Jimmy associates pain with touch for several reasons, the primary one
being that Peter grabbed him and held him until he forced the sleeping pills
out of him.� Not only did he cause him
physical pain by doing this, he also kept Jimmy from dying.� Jimmy associates death with his only way to
escape the intense emotional and physical pain he feels.� I also believe that when he found out his
mom died, the next day, he saw death as his only way to be with her again and
make things up to her.� This reinforced
touch causing him great pain because it kept him from being with his mom.� Another reason may be that any good feelings
of love and caring he gets from being touched cause him pain because he doesn't
feel he deserves it."� Susannah
sighed.� "I won't know if any of
these theories are true until Jimmy is able to participate in more
sessions."
Susannah noticed T�a rubbing
her temples.� "T�a, I think you
need to go home and rest now.� You have
been through much too much today.� Even
if Jimmy wakes up, there is nothing you can do for him.� Jimmy has no special attachment to any of
us."
This time T�a didn't
argue.� Not only did she know Susannah
was right about Jimmy, her head was throbbing and her nausea had increased.� "I think I could use a warm bath and a
long nap in my own bed."
"Honey, I agree.� Please.�
You heard what the doctors said.�
You need to take care of yourself.�
If you won't do it for you, then do it for Todd," Viki coaxed.
"Besides, I'd like to
see what my digs for the next few days look like." Rachel tried to make
light of the situation.� She walked over
to where T�a sat.� "Come on,
girlfriend.� I'll help you get your
things together and we'll go back to your hotel."
T�a nodded.� She stood up.� She held onto Rachel's arm for a moment when she felt slightly
dizzy.
"You okay?" Kevin
asked.
T�a saw they were all
staring at her with anxious looks on their faces.� The last thing she wanted was to have to stay in the hospital as
a patient or go for more tests.�
"I'm fine.� I'm just tired
and I lost my footing.� Don't forget, I
only have slippers on."
Except for Susannah, they
all seemed to accept that.� "T�a,
you need to tell your doctors if you do continue to experience symptoms like
dizziness, nausea, more than a mild headache or anything unusual."
"I know.� I will.�
Don't worry.� I'm okay.� Really.�
I just slipped."� T�a turned
to Rachel.� "They brought all my
things to this floor and Viki had some clothes sent over.� I'll just be a few minutes and then we can
get going."
"Great!� I'll help you," Rachel offered.� "Mom, we�re okay with everything for
now, right?"
Nora stoked Rachel's
hair.� "Go take care of T�a."
Rachel and T�a headed off to
get T�a's things.
Kevin remembered his reason
for coming to the hospital in the first place.�
Morning and Adam being out seemed like a hundred years ago.� "Mom, I have some papers I need you to
look over.� It's quite a bit and it was
too much to fax over.� That's why I came
here this morning."
"Sure, honey.� Give me a few minutes.� I want to look in on Jimmy.� Why don't you go to the cafeteria?� It won't be crowded at this time.� I could use some coffee and I think you
could, too."
Kevin went to get his
briefcase from the nurses� station and Viki and Sam headed off to see Jimmy.
Susannah was walking Nora to
the elevator when Angelo told her Bill was on the phone and wanted to know if
she could talk.� Nora appreciated that
he didn't call her cell phone.� He
always made sure she was not in the middle of something important.
"Go ahead," Nora
encouraged.� "Don't forget to ask
him if he and his kids want to come over for the first Seder night," Nora
called out as she waited to be buzzed out of the unit.� Nora was happy to leave.� This had all become too much for her.� She didn't want to think about any of the
things she had seen today or the things she learned about Todd.
******************
"Rough day?" Bill
asked as soon as he heard Susannah's voice.
"You could say
that.� You could definitely say
that," Susannah confirmed.
"Any chance you'll be
able to leave for dinner or should we plan on eating in your office?"
Susannah knew she really
needed to recharge and she also knew Jimmy would be asleep for hours.� It always took a strong dose to put him
out.� "I think I can manage an early
dinner at some quiet little place."
"How about the kitchen
of what I hope will be my new home?"
"You found a
house?" Susannah was excited.
"Maybe.� Do you think you have time to swing by and
have a look at it?"
"Yeah!� Does it have all the bedrooms and the big
yard you were looking for?"
"And a great big
kitchen with new appliances.� Now while
that might not seem too impressive to you . . ."
Susannah smiled at the light
tone of Bill's voice and cut him off.�
"Hold it.� That impresses
me, too.� How can you cook those
fantastic meals for me if you don't have a great kitchen?"� Susannah heard Bill laugh.� "Speaking of fantastic meals, short of
a crisis here, do you think you and your kids might like to go to Nora and Bo's
for a Passover Seder?" Before Bill had a chance to respond, Susannah
added, "I promise neither Nora nor I will be doing any of the
cooking.� She will have it all sent
in."
"Whew, you did have me
worried there for a minute," Bill kidded back.
"I didn't want you
think I was trying to land you and your kids in the hospital to drum up some
business for us."
Bill's voice became
serious.� "I think my kids will
like that very much and that's not the only thing I think they will like very
much."
Susannah sighed.� "Let's hope."
"You're really nervous
about meeting them, aren't you," Bill stated.
"I've had a few anxious
moments thinking about it," Susannah confessed.
"I know my kids.� I know what kind of people they like and
don't like.� They'll love you.� And I know they will have great respect for
anyone who keeps at least four different flavors of ice cream in her freezer at
all times."
Susannah laughed.� She felt less anxious.� "If I can get away for the day or
overnight, I'd love to show them the Amish country.� It's the best place for kids."
"I hope we get to do
that, too.� I like exposing my kids to
other ways of life.� I want them to know
there's more out there than what they see in their own neighborhood." Bill
paused for a moment.� "What would
be a good time for me to pick you up?�
If you can, I'd like you to see the house while there's still
daylight."
Susannah looked at her
watch.� She knew that even after Jimmy
or whoever woke up, he or she would be groggy for at least another hour or so
after that.� "Now would be a good
time.� This way we can take our time and
then have an early dinner, if that's okay with you?"
"See you in about
twenty minutes."
Susannah could hear the
eagerness in Bill's voice.
************************
Viki and Sam sat on either
side of Jimmy's bed.� Jeff and Steve sat
at the table in the corner of the room to give them some space.� They knew Jimmy would not be waking up and
it was safe for them to be more than arm's length from him right now.�� Jimmy had been given his regular meds.� The wound on his leg had been cleaned and the
dressing changed.� Eileen came in to
give him a feeding.� Even in a sleep
this deep, his face wore a pained expression.�
"Do you think he's having a bad dream?" Viki asked Sam.
"His entire life is a
bad dream," Sam snapped.� "I'm
going to the lounge for a while."
"Do you want me to come
with you?" Viki was worried about him.
"No!"� Sam realized how harsh his tone had
been.� He took Viki's hand.� "I let Todd suffer and now I'm making
you suffer.� I'm sorry."
"No, Sam.� I love you.�
You're not . . ."
"I don't want to talk
about this now.� I need to be alone for
a while.� I'm going to go lie
down."� Without another word, Sam
let go of Viki's hand and walked out of the room.
***************************
Rachel and T�a had gone to
the empty exam room so T�a could get dressed.�
T�a did not feel like walking all the way to the family lounge.� Once T�a had herself together, she sat back
in a chair.� She could not believe how a
simple act, like getting dressed, could exhaust her.� "Do you mind if I just sit here for a few minutes before we
go to your car?" she asked Rachel.
"Actually, I wanted to
talk to Susannah for a few minutes.� How
about I go do that and then bring my car around to the front and come back for
you?"
"That sounds like a
plan," T�a sighed and sunk back into the comfort of the chair.
***********************
Susannah was on her way to
Todd's room to tell Sam and Viki she would be going out for a few hours, but
that she would be able to get back quickly if she were needed.� She also wanted to check on Jimmy one last
time before she left the hospital.
"Aunt Susannah,"
Rachel called to her.� Rachel caught
Susannah halfway between her office and Todd's room.
Neither of them saw Sam
walking down the hall.� When he saw
them, he held back and didn't turn the corner.�
He was not in the mood to face either of them.� The moment Sam walked out of Todd's room, tears began
falling.� He could not keep himself from
crying.� He would wait until they went
on their way and then continue to the family lounge.
"Hi, honey.� Would you like to talk about the things Pete
said?" Susannah asked.
"No, I spoke with
Kevin.� He helped me to feel a little
better about things.� I might take a
rain check though."
"Anytime you want to
talk to me about anything you just let me know," Susannah offered.
"There is something I
did want to ask you about," Rachel began.
Susannah could see Rachel
felt awkward and it was difficult for her to get it out.
"Aunt Susannah, I know
how much T�a loves Todd, but I also know that Todd is very sick and has been
for a long time.� People get lonely . .
. they . . ." Rachel paused for a moment and took a deep breath.� "What I'm trying to ask is if there's
anything going on between T�a and Kevin?" Rachel finally asked
bluntly.� She said the words quickly
before she stopped herself from asking.
Susannah knew the answer to
that was an absolute "no" as far as T�a's feelings went.� She also knew that she could not honestly
say "no" as far as Kevin's feelings for T�a went.� However, Susannah would not betray what
Kevin had told her in confidence.
"Have you spoken with
Kevin or T�a about this?" Susannah asked.
"No.� I'm not trying to sneak around behind their
backs.� They're both going through so
much with Todd and his alters now.� I
couldn't bring myself to bring up something like this.� I'm sure it's probably my imagination
anyway.� It's really none of my
business.� It's not like Kevin and I are
seeing each other."
Susannah looked into
Rachel�s eyes.� "Did you see
something that caused you to believe this?"
"No.� No, not at all.� I shouldn't have said anything.�
I'm sorry.� If there's anything
going on between T�a and Kevin, it is none of my business," Rachel
repeated.
"Rachel, tell me what's
going on.� Did T�a or Kevin say or do
something to make you believe this?"�
Susannah needed to know if there was a problem.� It wasn't out of concern for her niece's
love life.� It was out of concern for
her patient.
"I'm sure it's my
imagination," Rachel prefaced her statement by repeating that.� "T�a seemed a little . . . I don't know
. . . cool to me� . . . or even angry
with me . . . I . . . I don't blame her if she still feels angry about me
letting Todd get blamed for Georgie.� I
don't think it was that.� It seemed to
happen when I was with Adam and Kevin.�
And I noticed how close T�a and Kevin were when they were working with
Timmy.� They connect.� It's like they don't even have to speak . .
. it's . . . oh look, I'm being ridiculous.�
Of course they've become close and connected.� I can see how that can happen in the short time I've spent with
two of Todd's child alters.� Aunt
Susannah, please forget I said anything.�
The only reason I asked is if there is something going on between T�a
and Kevin is that I don't want to put myself in the middle . . . not that I
think Kevin feels that way about me . . . I . . ." Now Rachel was really
embarrassed.
"Honey." Susannah
interrupted to save Rachel more embarrassment.�
"I can't speak for Kevin.�
All I can say to you is be honest with Kevin.� Sometimes we have to take chances.� If you can, let him now how you feel and what you're
thinking.� Kevin is struggling with a
lot of issues, but he is trying to be honest with himself.� Or you can speak with T�a."
"I'll see.� Right now I think they've both been through
a lot today.� I think T�a is feeling
worse than she's letting on.� She barely
had the energy to get dressed."
"I'm happy that you'll
be staying with her.� If you see any
signs that T�a is in trouble I want you to call her doctors, even if she
protests."
"I will.� Don't worry.� I know how T�a can be when she wants to be there for Todd,"
Rachel reassured Susannah.
"I'll be leaving the
hospital for a few hours after I check in on Jimmy.� You have my beeper and cell phone number if you or T�a need me,
right?"
"Yes."� Rachel pulled back and took a long look at
Susannah.� "Are you going to meet
Bill?"
"Does it show?"
Susannah asked.� She felt slightly
embarrassed and as if she were a schoolgirl.
Rachel grinned from ear to
ear.� "It shows, and it's very
flattering.� You look beautiful, Aunt
Susannah."
Susannah blushed
slightly.� "If you're still around
when Bill gets here, I'll introduce you.�
If not, don't worry about it.�
I'm sure you'll meet him very soon."
"I'm looking forward to
meeting the man who put that look in my Aunt Susanna's eyes and that glow on
her cheeks."
Susannah smiled and shook
her head slightly.� "You'd better
get T�a home and into her own bed.� Make
sure she rests," Susannah called out as she walked away from Rachel and
toward Todd's room.
Rachel headed for the
doors.� She was going to get her car as
she promised T�a she would.
Neither of them was there to
see Sam walk out of his hiding place.�
They didn't see the look in his eyes as the suspicions Blair had placed
in his mind were renewed and reinforced by what he had just overheard.� Sam's hands were clenched into fists as he
continued on his way to the family lounge.
*********************
"This is perfect!� I think they'll love it." Susannah
walked through the large, light filled living room again.
"My daughter's gonna
love that big walk-in closet in the bedroom at the end of the hallway and
having her own bathroom," Bill commented.
"I can imagine sharing
a bathroom with her brothers is not her favorite thing.� The master bedroom and the master bath are
beautiful.� I can't believe the size of
that tub and all the closet space." Susannah's face was shining with
awe.� "Bill, it's a great
house.� Your patience paid off."
Bill walked up to Susannah
and took her in his arms.� "I told
you long ago that patience is one of my best qualities."� Bill looked deeply into Susannah's
eyes.� "I don't mind waiting for
the important things in life.� It makes
me appreciate them more when I finally do get them."
"Do you always get what
you've waited so patiently for?" Susannah asked with a smile on her lips.
Bill smiled back.� "My record's been pretty good.� Do you think it will continue to be?"
"I would certainly hate
to see patience like yours not be rewarded," Susannah stated.
"Did you have any
particular reward in mind, Doctor Hanen?"
"A yellow
M&M," Susannah quipped.
Bill laughed.� He knew all about Adam.� "I'm partial to the red ones."
"I do have something
that I think you might enjoy even more than that," Susannah teased him.
"I think you have a lot
of things I would enjoy more than that," Bill replied.
"Well, this one is in
my bag."� Susannah gently pulled
away and headed for the front hall, where she had left her bag when she walked
into the house.� Susannah came back with
a CD player.
Bill looked at it.� "Well, that wasn't exactly what I expected."
"I remember you told me
that you would not be happy until you found a house with a living room large
enough to do some decent dancing in.� So
let's test this one out."
Susannah started the
music.� She walked back to where Bill
stood.� She placed her hand in his.
"Slow dancing.� You've always been a woman after my own
heart, Susannah."
As the music filled the
large empty room, Susannah and Bill held each other tightly.� They could feel each other's hearts
beating.�� Susannah rested her head
against Bill's shoulder as they danced.��
The smell of Bill's aftershave was intoxicating.� Bill gently turned Susannah's face up toward
his.� He brushed the back of his fingers
against her cheek.� He liked that she
wore no makeup.� Her skin was soft and
flawless.�� When their lips met their
kiss quickly turned to a deep exploration of each other's mouth.� Susannah felt her nipples become hard.� They were startled by the sound of a cell
phone.� Susannah was relieved when they
realized it was Bill's phone.� She feared
a problem with Jimmy when she first heard the ring.
Susannah straightened her
clothes.� "I'm going to have
another look at that fantastic back yard," Susannah whispered.� She wanted to give Bill privacy.
**********************
When Bill came out into the
yard, he saw Susannah was looking up at a large tree.� He came up behind her.�
"Bird watching?"
"No." Susannah
laughed.� "I was just thinking that
this would be a perfect place for a tree house.� Do you think that's something your youngest would enjoy?"
"I think Josh will love
it!� And we can ask him tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
Susannah was surprised.� "I thought
your kids weren't coming in until the day after tomorrow."
"That was my ex.� She has a chance to go to this seminar she
thought she was closed out of.� The
problem is she has to leave first thing tomorrow.� She asked if she could send the kids a day early and I said
'sure.'"
"Wow." Susannah
wiped her palms on the side of her pants.�
"I've never been this anxious about meeting kids before."
"I've told them about
you.� You won't be a shock to
them."
"What did you tell
them?"� For some reason, hearing
this made Susannah even more anxious.
"The truth . . . that
you're special to me."
Susannah smiled
nervously.� "Did they have any
problems with that?"
"They didn't seem
to.� Tracy asked me if we were in
love?"
Susannah smiled.� She understood that would be important to
Bill's twelve-year-old daughter.
"I'm always honest with
my kids." Bill paused for a few moments.
Susannah looked into his
eyes.
"So I had to tell her
we were."� Bill put his hands
around Susannah's waist and pulled her to him.�
Both his lips and eyes were smiling.�
"In your professional opinion, was my answer a good one?"
Susannah nodded.� "A very good one."
"What about in your
private opinion?" Bill teased.
"A very good one,"
Susannah repeated.
Bill took a long, deep
breath.� "There's nothing like
breathing in the smell of your own land.�
I have an option to buy this place if things work out."� Bill put his arm around Susannah's
shoulder.� They walked a few steps.� "A guy could get used to this place . .
. great house . . . big ol' lawn . . . kids . . . a wife."� Bill felt the muscles in Susannah's
shoulders tighten.� He glanced to the
side.� He saw Susannah bite her
lip.� He turned her face up and saw
tears in her eyes.� He knew it saddened
her to not be able to make a commitment to him now.� "Like I said, Susannah, patience is one of my best
qualities."
Susannah hugged Bill
tightly.� She knew he understood that it
was lack of time and not lack of love that kept her from committing right now.
Bill once again placed his
arm around Susannah's shoulders and hugged her to him.� He looked up at the tree Susannah had been
staring at.� "So you think this
would be a good tree for a tree house for Josh?"
************************
Marcia
had come on duty.� She was giving Jimmy
a feeding and she noticed that he was becoming distressed as the sedation
lightened and he began waking up.�
"He's coming around."�
Don and Carl looked in Jimmy's direction when they heard Marcia's
statement.� They were sitting at the
small table near the window to give her some room while she administered the
feeding.� Viki had gone to the lounge
for a nap.
Jimmy's
eyes opened slowly and closed again.� He
moaned and then slowly opened his eyes one more time.� Jimmy turned his head away.�
He tried to pull away from her.
Marcia
stopped the feeding for the moment.�
"Jimmy?" she wanted to be sure.
It
took a minute before he nodded in response to Marcia's question.
"Jimmy,
this won't hurt.� It's only a
feeding.� This supplement goes into your
feeding tube.� I don't have to touch
you."
Jimmy
turned his head away.� Marcia motioned
for Carl and Don to hold back.� She
hoped he would not resist.� She knew how
much pain it would cause him if they had to hold him still.
After
nearly another full minute Jimmy whimpered, "Please don't feed me.� Just let me die."
"Can
you tell me how dying will help you?" Marcia asked.
"I'll
be with my mama again.� Mama said her
father is in heaven and she wanted to be with him.� So she's there now.� I
want to be with her.� Please help
me."
"We
can't do that, hon. It�s our job to take care of you and make sure you stay
safe."
A
tear trickled out of the corner of Jimmy's eye.� "I don't like it here.�
Please let me go to my mama."
"Jimmy,
there are a lot of people here who love you very much.� They'd be so sad if you died and left
them," Marcia stated.
"No
. . . I'm bad . . . a coward . . . no one should love me . . . I have to make
it up to Mama.� She died because of
me.� She died thinking I didn't love her
and wouldn't help her.� I let him be
mean to her.� I was too scared to stop
him and she died."
"No.� Jimmy, listen to me.� Your mama always knew how much you loved
her.� She died because her liver got
sick.� Your mom understood that your dad
was mean.� She knew it wasn't your
fault."
The
bed was at a forty-five-degree angle.�
Jimmy slid down and turned over on his side.� Like his response time, his movements were very slow and
sluggish.� He pulled himself into a
fetal position and tucked his head in.
"Jimmy,
you need to turn around and pull yourself up as much as you can.� When the feeding is finished, you can
snuggle down into the bed again if you like," Marcia instructed.
"Go
away and let me die," Jimmy whispered.
"Jimmy,
if you can't get yourself into a position to allow the feeding to continue,
we'll have to help you."
"No!"
he cried out.� "Please don't touch
me.� It hurts so much.� Please!"
"We
won't touch you if you're able to cooperate.�
Do you think you can turn on your back and pull yourself up?"� He didn't respond.� "Would you like to sit in a chair?" Marcia
suggested.� "If you feel up to it,
you can walk to that big old comfy chair over there.� We can bring your pillow and blanket so you'll be
comfortable."
From
the position Jimmy was in they did not have a clear view of his hands.� Without warning, Jimmy reached up, and with
a strong tug he pulled out the feeding tube before they could stop him.
Carl
and Don rushed to grab his hands, but it was too late.� Jimmy was chocking and gagging because of
the irritation the feeding tube caused to his throat as he pulled it out.� His eyes were tearing and red as well, from
the irritation to his nasal passage.�
Jimmy sat up straight as he tried to catch his breath.
"Beep
Susannah," Marcia called to Connie, who had been standing near the door in
case she was needed.
"Susannah
came back about ten minutes ago.� She
went to her office to put her things away," Connie informed them.� "I'll get her."
They
didn't want to add to Jimmy's panic by touching him.� "Jimmy, take it easy buddy.�
You irritated your throat when you pulled that tube out.� Try to relax and take some slow deep
breaths," Don spoke calmly to the frightened boy.
The
gagging caused Jimmy to start vomiting.�
Don quickly grabbed a basin and held it under Jimmy's chin.
Jimmy
vomited the supplement and whatever other food had been left in his
stomach.� He continued to cough and gasp
as Susannah rushed into the room, although it was subsiding as the irritation
lessened.
Jimmy
was wiping his eyes with the palms of his hand.� Don handed Susannah a cool, wet washcloth.� "Jimmy, will you let me wipe your face
with this?� It will help your eyes stop
stinging so much."
"No!
No!" Jimmy begged between coughing spasms.
"Okay.� Here, you do it yourself." Susannah
handed him the washcloth.
Jimmy
reached out with a trembling hand.� He
rubbed his eyes with the cool cloth and then wiped his mouth.
"Are
your throat and eyes still burning?" Susannah asked.
After
a few seconds, he nodded.
"Can
you tell me why you pulled the feeding tube out?" Susannah questioned him
gently.
"I
wanna die," he stated quietly.�
"Mama is waiting for me."
"Your
mama loved you.� She would not want you
to starve yourself or hurt yourself in any way," Susannah pointed out.
"Mama
doesn't know I love her.� She thinks I
stopped loving her because she left us.�
She thinks that's why we didn't help her and we let her get sick and
die.� Mama's hair didn't look pretty
anymore.� That's because we weren't
there to brush it for her.� She got real
skinny.� Mama must have stopped eating
and she died.� I wanna be with
Mama."
"Honey,
your mama didn't starve to death.� She
died because she had something called cirrhosis of the liver.� That may have turned into cancer.� Your mama didn't want to die."
"Yes
she did.� She wanted to leave us because
Todd and I didn't help her.� She thought
we stopped loving her.� We let Todd's
dad be mean to her and he touched her and hurt her.� I once heard Mama when Thomas was in bed with her.� She was crying and she said 'he never
touches me except to hurt me.'� It hurts
to be touched.� Mama hurt all the time
and then she died and it stopped hurting.�
I hurt all the time, too.� All I
feel is sad and hurt.� I want it to go
away.� I want it to stop hurting.� If I can see my mama and get her to forgive
me then maybe all the sad and hurt will go away."
"We
can make it stop hurting, Jimmy.� We can
help make the sad go away.� You don't
have to die for that to happen.� We can
help you to be able to feel good when you're touched.� Not all touch hurts, honey.�
What Todd's father did was bad touching.� He meant to hurt with his touch.�
We can show you what good touching feels like.� We can work on all the sad and make it go away."
Jimmy
was quiet for a few minutes.� He stared
off into space.� Susannah wondered if he
had been able to understand and process what she had just said to him.� Jimmy once again curled himself into a fetal
position.� Susannah called to him
several times.� He had shut down and
shut everyone out. �His severe
depression kept him from believing it was possible for the pain he felt to ever
go away.
************************
"Oh
my God!" Viki cried.� Susannah
called Sam and Viki to her office and told them what had just happened.� "And he was doing so nicely.� Between the tube feedings and the alters
eating a little more Todd was finally gaining back some of the weight he
lost," Viki lamented through her tears.
"So
now what?� You let him starve himself to
death?"
"No.� None of them eat enough to maintain without
supplemental feedings.� Todd burns
calories at an amazing rate.� It was
time to take out the NG tube anyway.� Do
you remember that I spoke with you about a PEG tube being put in?"
Susannah asked.� She saw they were both
upset.
"Yes,"
Viki answered for both of them.� Sam
remembered that conversation, but not the specifics of it.� His memory was not as keen as it used to
be.� "You said you'd hoped it
wouldn't become necessary and that in most cases of anorexia a PEG tube was
contraindicated, but because of Todd's fragile physical condition, extremely
high caloric need and severe mental illness, that may keep him from eating for
some time to come, a PEG tube might have to be used when you left the NG tube
in for as long as you could." Viki stated.
"I'd
hoped that Todd would be more receptive to sessions dealing with this by now,
but he's not," Susannah admitted sadly.�
"Todd still has no appetite at all.� The last time he was out the mere mention of food nauseated
him.� The alters have varying appetites.� However, none of them eat enough to sustain
them without supplementary feeding.� If
Jimmy had not pulled the NG tube out, we would have had to remove it by next
week anyway."
Bits
and pieces of the discussion about the PEG tube came back to Sam.� "You said it wasn't dangerous . . .
putting the new tube in . . . right?"
"Yes,
it's a simple procedure.� It can be done
at the patient's bedside, but it will be safer for Jimmy, or whoever is out, to
be taken to the endoscopy suite.� That's
that same place Timmy had the endoscopy and the NG tube put in.� In most cases, only light sedation and local
anesthesia is given, but in this case he'll be put to sleep.� The Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy or
PEG tube is placed with the aid of an endoscope.� A gastroenterologist will do the endoscopy and a surgeon will
make the incision and thread the tube in.�
The PEG tube is brought outside the body through a small incision in the
abdominal wall, approximately between the lower ribs, and secured with a
crossbar called a bolster.� The tube
will protrude about three inches out of the incision.� There is a 'button' tube which can be installed a couple of weeks
after the surgery that is flush to the body, so that nothing protrudes."
"Will
he be in pain when he wakes up?" Viki asked.
"He
will have some discomfort.� His throat
may be a little sore, not very.� The
incision will be sore for a few days.�
Todd's abdomen will have to be filled with air for the procedure, so he
may experience some discomfort from that.�
Bloating can be a problem.� He'll
be kept as comfortable as possible with medication.� The pain is usually not severe.�
He may experience a little more pain when the incision is cleaned, but
that would only be for the first few days.�
After that he should not have much discomfort during daily
cleaning.� He would be on an IV and not
receive any feeding through the tube for the first couple of days.� If it becomes necessary, we will keep him heavily
sedated."
Sam
stood up and headed for the window.� He
didn't even notice that it was already dark out.� "This world hurts him so much that he'd rather be dead than
continue to live in it," Sam said softly.
Susannah
walked near to where Sam stood.� She saw
the hopelessness in his expression.�
"Jimmy feels that way now, and to a lesser degree so does
Todd.� Sam, it's not all bleak.� Todd is making so much progress.� Soon I may be able to have sessions with him
about his anorexia and medications.�
Although it's too soon to know for sure, I believe the current
medications may be starting to work for Todd and therapy is working for
him.� You've seen what he's been able to
cope with in just the past few days.�
He's made disclosures about very painful traumas and he's been able to
stay Todd for longer than any of us thought possible.� He's remembered most of what he disclosed.� Yes, he needed to dissociate after some
disclosures, but he came back within reasonable time.� He's handled things I honestly never thought he could handle at
this time.� He was willing to accept
medication for the first time since he's been in the hospital.� Adam has made progress and Timmy was able to
let us know what was bothering him.� So
was Tom.� Tom was able to have a very
good time with T�a, as was Rodd.� Todd
was able to spend a day with his little girl. �He was able to be a daddy to her and take care of her.� He was able to take care of his wife and be
there for her.� All of this can be built
on.� Somewhere inside Todd's mind he
will know that he was able to do these things.�
Issues with Randy were brought to the surface.� Todd is beginning to have more co-consciousness with his
alters.� He is less in denial about his
illness.� I know this seems like a
tremendous setback, but it's not."
"Jimmy
is suffering so much.� He seems even
more depressed now than he was the last time he was out.� Can't you help him to go inside and get
someone else to come out?" Viki asked.
"Jimmy
is more depressed now than he has ever been," Susannah confirmed.� "The thing is, Jimmy needs to be
out.� His issues have to be dealt with
at some point.� I don't know if this
will be the time.� I'm hoping that he
will get some benefit from the Zoloft too.�
It hasn't had enough time to really work for any of them yet.� Because his depression is so severe it might
make having sessions with him unproductive or even impossible.� Right now he has shut everyone out.� The good news is before he shut down, he did
make some disclosures about his need to die and the pain he feels when someone
touches him."� Susannah filled them
in on the things Jimmy said.
Sam
was having trouble concentrating on what Susannah was saying.� His mind was on the conversation he
overheard, between Susannah and Rachel. Boomer,
are they doing this to you?� Is it
possible that they're all making you like this?� Sam's thoughts panicked him.�
He did not want to think this way.�
A part of him was still able to recognize the absurdity of it.
"Are
you going to give him a chance to eat on his own or a chance for Todd or some
of the alters to come out and start eating more before you send him for the PEG
tube?" Viki asked.
"Yes,
but only for a couple of days, he can't afford more than that.� I don't want him to lose too much of the
weight he's gained.� Viki, you do
understand that the likelihood of Todd or one of the alters coming out and
being willing to eat as many calories as Todd's body requires and drink a
supplement in addition to that is not great.�
I don't want you and Sam to set yourselves up for disappointment.� I'm reasonably sure that Todd will still
need to be on a feeding tube," Susannah cautioned.
"Yes.� I know," Viki admitted.� "I can't help but hope for miracles
where Todd is concerned.� He has already
done some miraculous things."� Viki
walked over to Sam.� "We'll be
prepared if he has to have the tube put in."� Viki saw that Sam didn't seem to be listening.� She placed her hand on his arm.� "Right, honey?"
Sam
jumped in response to her touch.�
"I'm sorry . . . I was . . . I . . . I want what's best for
Todd."� Sam turned to
Susannah.� "You don't let anything
happen to him.� Do you understand
me!"
"Sam."
Viki was shocked at his reaction.�
"You know Susannah will take the best care of Todd.� That's why she wants to put another feeding
tube back in."
"Yeah,
you do what you have to.� Is it all
right to go see Jimmy or did you sedate him again?" Sam asked impatiently.
"No,
he withdrew into himself.� There was no
need to sedate him.� You can see
him.� He may not respond to you,
Sam."
"Yeah,"
Sam whispered and headed off for Todd's room.
Viki
shook her head.� "I've spoken with
Sam about seeing a therapist . . . someone outside this hospital . . . as you
suggested.� He became angry and said
there was nothing wrong with him.� He
looked at me as if I were trying to . . . I don't know . . . trick him or . . .
I don't know."� Viki sighed.� "I'm so tired.� I know Jimmy doesn't usually call for me or
for any of us.� Do you think it will be
all right for me to go home for the night?"
"I
think that's an excellent idea.� Why
don't you have a long hot bath and try to get a good night's sleep in your own
bed?" Susannah suggested.
"I
think that's exactly what I'll do.� I'm
going to tell Sam.� You'll call me
immediately if . . ."
"Yes."
Susannah knew what she was going to say.�
"I or one of the staff will call you if there is any problem or if
Jimmy or any of them ask for you.� I
promise.� Viki, I know you feel
disheartened.� Please don't lose sight
of all the progress Todd has made.�
Think of how Todd was with T�a and with Starr.� Think of the way Adam and Timmy and all of them are able to run around.� Can you imagine Todd or any of the alters
being able to do that a few months ago, or even a few weeks ago?� He is making progress, physically and
mentally."
Viki
smiled.� "I know.� I wish I could take away their
suffering.� They all have such a far way
to go.� They have so many traumas to
deal with and who knows how many more haven't been disclosed yet.� This is all my father's doing.� Oh, I know Peter was the one who abused him
and Barbara was the one who let him and then abandoned Todd.� It was my father who set it all in
motion.� He sent Todd to that life of
torture and most likely he knew it was happening to him.� It was not like my father to allow someone
to do damage to what was his.� No matter
what my father did to me, I know he would never have allowed anyone else to
hurt me."� Viki laughed sadly.� "No.�
Victor Lord would not want someone else damaging his property.� There must have been something going on that
kept him from getting Todd out of there.�
Even if it were to give him to someone else."� Viki rubbed her forehead and temples.� "I think I really need that hot
bath."� She said goodnight to
Susannah and headed for Todd's room.
********************
Jimmy
had been as Susannah described when Sam and, then later when, Viki got to his
room.� He remained curled in a fetal
position.� He did not pull the IV out,
so they knew that he would not become dehydrated.� Jimmy's eyes stared ahead.�
They were dull and blank.� There
was no life in them.� Both Viki and Sam
longed to take him in their arms and comfort him.� They knew that would only cause Jimmy excruciating pain.� Viki asked Sam if he would like to go home
with her instead of spending the night in the lounge.� He shook his head and continued to stare at Jimmy.� Viki kissed the top of Sam's head and
left.� Sam stayed until he saw that
Jimmy had fallen asleep.� He headed for
the lounge where he tossed and turned for most of the night, before finally
falling asleep near dawn.
After
checking on Jimmy one more time, Susannah finally went home around
midnight.� She was frustrated.� There was not much she could do while Jimmy
remained in this morbid condition.� If
Jimmy remained out for more than another day and refused or could not get out
of bed on his own or participate in therapy, Susannah knew she would have to
try to get another alter out and give up, for now, on working with Jimmy on his
issues.� She also realized Jimmy could
not be the one to stay out once the PEG had been put in.� He would not be able to tolerate the care
the incision would need without being kept constantly heavily sedated.� "Damn!" Susannah hit her pillow in
frustration.� She knew she had to get
her mind off of this or she would never get any sleep.� She turned her thoughts back to Bill.� The dinner they had together after the visit
to Bill's new house had been just what she needed.� The quiet, dark romantic, Italian restaurant had been the perfect
end to their date.� Susannah wondered if
she would be able to accept Bill's invitation to have lunch with him and his
kids tomorrow.
*************************
Rachel
noticed that T�a was not completely steady on her feet the whole way home.� She was concerned, even though T�a insisted
she felt fine, except for a small headache.�
T�a offered to sleep on the couch in the living room of her two-room
suite.� Rachel would have none of
it.� She insisted T�a sleep in her own
bed and turned down T�a's offer to have another bed set up in the bedroom.
"It's
a big comfortable couch and it's only for a few days," Rachel had said.
T�a
felt like she could sleep for a week.�
After she had gotten undressed and into bed, T�a called the hospital
before Jimmy had woken up and pulled the NG tube.� So the last T�a had heard was that he was still sound
asleep.� T�a laid back against the
pillows.� "Rach," she called
out.� "If you want something to eat
just call down to room service and have them send up whatever you want."
Rachel
came into the bedroom.� "Is there
anything you'd like?"
"Only
a very long nap, followed by a good night's sleep."
"You
know I'm supposed to wake you up every once in a while.� I hope you're not going to hate me when I
do."
T�a
laughed.� "If I'm grumpy just
remind me that you�re doing me a favor and not the other way around."
Rachel
smiled.� "Don't worry.� I will.�
I have lots of reading to do.�
I'm too late to get into the spring semester at Llanview U, but they are
going to let me audit some classes.� I
want to get up to speed."
T�a
yawned.� "Sorry.� You're not boring me, it's just that . .
."
"You
get some sleep." Rachel cut T�a off. �After what you've been through the past few days I'm sure you
won't have any problems getting your rest."
T�a
snuggled down under the comforter.�
"No, I don't think so."�
T�a's eyes were already closing.�
Rachel turned down the light and headed to her books.
**********************
Bo shut off the tape and put
High Noon on rewind.� He shut off the T.V.� He was pleased with himself.� He finally found a western that Nora liked.
Nora lifted the empty pizza
box off the bed and dropped it to the floor on the side of the bed.� "It looks like that hole in your
stomach hasn't put a damper on your appetite," Nora said as she snuggled
next to Bo.� "Or Mud's."� Nora looked at the dog.� He was sound asleep in his bed in the corner
of the room.� Nora had cut up a piece of
the pizza for him and put it in his plate.�
Living with Nora and Bo, the dog had developed a taste for junk
food.� She hated to admit it, but Nora
had grown to love the dog Marty and Patrick had given to them.
"My side, not my
stomach," Bo gently corrected.
"Are you in any
pain?" Nora asked.
Bo moved so that Nora rested
on the pillow and he rested on his elbow.�
He looked down at Nora.� "I
know just the cure for what ails me and, except for Mud, we have the house all
to ourselves."� Bo put his hand on
Nora's breast.� His fingers teased her
nipple tenderly.
"So this will be purely
for medicinal purposes," Nora quipped.
"Absolutely.� It's probably covered by our medical
insurance," Bo responded.
Afterward, Nora rested her
head on Bo's chest.� "I'm no
doctor, but I would have to say that you are cured, Bo Buchanan," Nora
said softly.
"Stay nearby, Red.� I many need another treatment in the
morning."
Nora smiled.� They both looked down when they heard Mud
whimper.� He had his leash in his mouth.
"I'll go," Bo volunteered.
"Are you sure?� I don't mind taking him out this
time."� Nora wanted Bo to rest.
"Nah, I think both Mud
and I need to work off some of that pepperoni."
When Bo returned with Mud he
noticed Nora was deep in thought.
"Red?" Bo put his
hand on her shoulder.
"I was thinking about
today . . . with my sister and Rachel."�
Earlier, Nora had filled Bo in on her day.
"Maybe you and Susannah
are finally getting to where you can work things out.� I know you've missed being close to her, Red."
"She may have given me
a few things to think about," Nora admitted.� "She said Rachel is really good at what she does . . .
working with kids with autism.� Rachel
seems happy, genuinely happy."
"I think so, too.� Give it a chance.� Rachel has learned how to take care of herself.� She'll be okay."
"So says the police
commissioner who let himself get stabbed." Nora did not say this in an
argumentative way.
"I made a
mistake," Bo confessed.� "I
think Rachel knows better.� Anyway, Adam
is not out now.� Who knows if and when
he'll come back?"
"He's hard to
forget," Nora commented, more to herself than to Bo.
"Adam?" Bo asked.
"Actually, I was
talking about Timmy."
Bo heard a sadness in Nora's
voice.� He saw the look in her eyes
matched.� "I know.� I met him all those months ago and he still
haunts me."
"How is it possible
that these parts of Todd exist now?" Nora posed.
"They always existed,
Red.� We only saw the side of Todd he
let us see.� Now he has no control.� He's not able to hide his vulnerable sides
anymore."
"I get angry with
myself for what I feel about Timmy."
Bo knew Nora well enough to
know what she meant.� "He gets to
you, doesn't he?"
"Yes, damn it!� He looked at me with those big wounded eyes
and he broke my heart.� You should have
seen him with T�a.� He reminded me of
Rachel when she was a baby.� Can you
believe that!� I always used to think of
Todd as the devil himself and this part of him reminds me of my Rachel when she
was a baby in my arms."
Bo rubbed Nora's back.� "I think you can understand why your
sister wants to help Todd and all those poor kids who live inside him."
Nora shook her head.� "I'm not ready for this.� I'm not ready to be understanding of
everything."
"But you're working on
it, Red.� I think that's enough for
now.� I'm proud of you."
"Proud enough to get me
some rum raisin ice cream from the freezer?" Nora asked.
"With two spoons,"
Bo replied and headed for the kitchen.
"AAARRRGGGHHHHH."
Nora startled Mud as she yelled in frustration.� "Don't look at me that way," Nora said to the dog.� "First you get to me with those soulful
eyes of yours and now Timmy.� It's not
fair!� Well at least Timmy won't be
chewing up all my good shoes."� All
the kidding around in the world could not alleviate Nora's confusion about what
she felt.
*********************
Viki sat huddled in a
blanket, near the fireplace.� Despite
the spring night, Viki was shivering.�
Kevin was already home and working at his laptop when Viki had gotten to
Llanfair.� He was surprised to see
her.� He hugged her after she filled him
in on the latest with Jimmy.� Kevin knew
better than to tell his mother not to worry.�
He did tell her he agreed with Susannah as far as Todd's progress.� Kevin reminded her of the way Todd was able
to deal with him and pointed out that even before Todd's breakdown he could not
do that. Kevin was happy to see Viki smile.�
They had dinner together and talked about things at the paper and the
story Kevin was working on.� They both
kept themselves from talking about Todd or Sam or any of their problems.� Instinctively, they both realized they
needed to give themselves a break.
Viki had gone to bed near
ten.� Kevin headed for his room near
eleven.� They were both dead tired.� As tired as she was, Viki did not fall
asleep easily.� She tossed and turned
for more than two hours.� Sometimes Viki
would run her hand over Sam's side of the bed.�
Tears came to her eyes.� She felt
overwhelming loneliness and she felt overwhelmed.� All their problems seemed insurmountable.� Viki had strong doubts about them all being
able to be a family.� Her darkest fear
was that Todd would never be well and that she was losing Sam to his demons as
well.� The demons that Viki did not
allow herself to think about were her own.�
She pushed those out of her mind.�
Finally, a little after midnight, Viki fell asleep.
Viki saw the young, blonde woman as if she were watching a
movie, and yet she knew the woman was she.�
She looked the way she had when she was in her twenties.� The young woman was sitting with her back to
Viki.� Still, she knew who she was.� Viki heard voices arguing.� They were muffled.� She strained to hear.�
When she did, she recognized one of them as her father's voice.
"How could you have let this happen!" Victor's voice
bellowed.
"I'm happy she knows!� I
won't let you do this, Victor, I won't!" the other voice cried out.� It was the voice of another young woman.
"You know what I'm going to have to do now.� You brought this on yourself." Victor's
voice was as cold as ice.
"No!� You won't.� Even you can't be that cruel.� You wouldn't. �No, please!" the young woman begged.
Viki saw the younger version of herself making a rocking motion with
her arms.� She stood frozen as the young
Viki in her dream turned around.� She
saw that young Viki was holding an infant in her arms, an infant wrapped in a
blue blanket.� She watched as the
twenty-something Viki held the infant close to her heart and kissed its silky
blonde head.� "I won't let him hurt
you," young Viki whispered to the child.
Viki woke up with tears
pouring down her cheeks.� She was holding
a pillow in her arms . . . pressed to her heart.� Perspiration was dripping off of Viki.� At the same time she was shivering.� Her chest hurt and she could not catch her breath.� Her entire body was tingling.� She knew she was having an anxiety attack .
. . a severe one.� She did not want to
wake Kevin.� Viki used her coping
skills.� She was finally able to get her
breathing under control and the pain in her chest and the tingling sensation
subsided.� She was still shivering.� That was when she went down to start a
fire.� Viki did not want to go back to
sleep.
*****************
Bill waited at Philadelphia
International Airport.� The flight from
Chicago had landed a couple of minutes before.�
He missed his kids and could hardly wait to see them again. �Like Susannah, he hoped they could all get
together.� Bill knew his kids and he
knew they would like Susannah.
"Daddy!� Daddy!" Bill's eight-year-old son,
Josh, and twelve-year-old daughter, Tracy called out as they ran to him.� Bill knelt down and hugged them both.
Sixteen-year-old Michael was
just as happy to see his father.� He
curtailed his enthusiasm slightly, in an attempt to be the "mature
one."
"Hey Dad," he
called out.� Then giving up the attempt
to be cool, he hugged Bill as soon as Bill stood up.
"Daddy, we brought
Patches.� They made us put him in
cargo.� We have to pick him up.� I'll bet he's really mad that he didn't get
to ride in the plane with us," Josh announced.
"I thought you weren't
going to bring Patches until your summer vacation?" Bill reminded them.
"Mom thought Patches
would be able to stay with the Sanders, next door, but their nephew is visiting
for the week and he's allergic to dogs," Michael informed Bill.
"I'm happy.� I didn't want to leave Patches anyway.� He misses you, too," Tracy stated.
"Then we'd better go
get him.� I think he's going to be eager
to get out of that carrier."
With his kids and Patches
settled in his car, Bill asked, "Do you guys want to see some of
Philadelphia now, or do you want to come back some other time and go straight
to Llanview?"
They all wanted to get to
see where their father lived.� They
started the long drive back to Llanview.
*********************
When she arrived at the
hospital, in the morning, Susannah found there had been no change in Jimmy.� She was not surprised.� Terry told her he woke up around eight in
the morning.� He had, on his own, gone
to use the bathroom.� He allowed Angelo
and Frank to go with him as long as they didn't touch him.� If he noticed the IV pole Angelo dragged
along, he made no attempt to pull the IV out.�
He never said a word.� He seemed
detached and in his own world the whole time.�
When he finished, he went back to his bed and curled himself into an
even tighter ball and stared off blankly.
"What do you want us to
do about his ADL's?" Frank asked.�
Jimmy was still in the sweats that Timmy had worn yesterday.
"Let him be for
now," Susannah instructed.�
"I'll talk to him about getting washed up and changed.� If he's not willing, or can't, and we try to
force him he will end up in a restraint and I don't want that.� It will defeat the purpose anyway, because
his ADL's still won't get done.� Did you
offer him breakfast?"
"Yes," Terry
answered.� "I told him he could
have anything he wanted.� He was totally
unresponsive.� I don't know if he heard
me or not."
"I saw that he's going
to have to go down for a PEG tube tomorrow, if things don't change," Frank
commented.
"Yeah.� It was time anyway.� The NG tube had to go.� I had hoped it wouldn't come to this,"
Susannah admitted sadly.� She headed in
to see Jimmy.
Angelo and Jeff sat on
either side of his bed.� He seemed
oblivious to their presence.� Susannah
nodded to them.� She walked over to the bed
and stopped a few inches away from it.�
She didn't want Jimmy to think she was going to touch him.� "Hi, Jimmy.� I would like you to get out of bed and sit in the chair for a
while.� Do you think you can do that?"
He didn't respond.� Susannah waved her hand in front of his
eyes.� There was no reaction.� She did not think he was in a dissociative
state, but in a morbid and despondent one.�
"Jimmy, it's very important that you eat something.� It doesn't have to be breakfast food.� You can have anything you like.� Even just desserts if that's all you
want.� Will you eat something?"� He continued to stare blankly.� "We're not going to let you die,
Jimmy.� I know you feel hopeless and
like it will never stop hurting.� I
promise you it will.� You don't have to
die to make the pain go away.� Your mama
would not want you to hurt yourself.�
She loved you and she knew you loved her.� She never doubted that."�
Jimmy didn't move a muscle.� The
expression on his face didn't change.�
"Okay, hon. You let someone know if you want to talk to me and
they'll get me," Susannah told him.�
"If you feel like taking a shower or a bath and changing your
clothes you can.� No one will touch you
unless you ask them to help you," Susannah added.
Susannah went back to her
office.� She knew there was nothing she
could do for Jimmy right now.
********************
Bill had already made
arrangements with Renee to switch to one of the larger suites while his kids
were in town.� He had seen other pets at
the Palace, so he knew there would be no problem with Patches being there.� His daughter's eyes had widened with
anticipation when she noticed the clothing boutique in the lobby of the
palace.� "Later," Bill
said.� "Let's wait for them to
bring the bags to the room and then we can go out again if you like."
"Are we gonna get to
meet your girlfriend?" Josh asked.
"You sure are.� I'm not sure how soon.� Remember I told you she has a very sick
patient."
"She's a shrink.� Right Daddy?" Tracy wanted to be sure.
"Susannah is a
psychiatrist, yes," Bill answered.
"Is her patient
crazy?" Josh questioned innocently.�
He meant no offence.
"No.� Her patient is a wonderful young man who has
a lot of problems.� Susannah is trying
to help him work through some of those problems."
"Does she like
dogs?" Josh asked.
Bill smiled.� "Susannah loves animals.� Her sister told me when she was little she
was always bringing home all kinds of animals to take care of and nurse back to
health."
"I'm glad.� Patches likes it when people like him,"
Josh stated.
"If she can get away,
would you guys like to have lunch with Susannah or would you rather it was just
the four of us on your first day here."
The children were
curious.� "She can come if she
wants to," Michael said casually.�
He didn't want to appear as eager to meet her as his younger brother and
sister were.
"I'll call her and see
if she can get away for an hour or so," Bill said happily.
************************
"Bill, on line
one," Susannah's secretary said to her over the phone.
"Thanks," Susannah
replied.
"Hey, I didn't expect
you to call so early.� Did the kids get
in?" Susannah asked after Bill made sure she wasn't in the middle of
something with Todd.
"Not just the
kids.� They ended up bringing Patches
with them."
"Then I get to meet the
whole family.� Did they get to see much
of Llanview yet?"
"Only what they could
see of it from the car."� Bill
chuckled.� "I'm happy you don't
live in Pine Valley.� We passed through
it and they thought it was a little too quiet for their taste.� Although my daughter did want to see where
Erica Kane lives.� The one thing they
all seem to want most is to meet you. �I
know things are bad right now.� Is there
any chance you can get away for lunch?"
"Actually, I can.� Jimmy is still out and he's completely
withdrawn and unresponsive.� He's not
able to participate in therapy right now.�
He's tuned the world out.� I can't
promise that I won't get beeped and have to dash back to the hospital, but we
can try for lunch."
"Great!" Bill
could not hide his enthusiasm.�
"I'll bring the kids to a restaurant near the hospital.� Which one do you think they'd like?"
Susannah thought for a few
moments.� "How do your kids like
barbecue?"
"Hamburgers, hot dogs,
ribs, chicken . . . things like that?�
They love it."
"It's a new place near
here that I heard about.� I've passed it
a few times and they have an outdoor eating area and I've seen people come
there with dogs, as long as they're on a leash.� I hate to think of poor Patches all by himself in an unfamiliar
environment."
Bill smiled.� He realized he should have known that
Susannah would think of that.�
"That sounds great!� I think
you are going to make one fine first impression with my kids, not to mention
Patches."
Susannah and Bill made
arrangements to meet at the restaurant.
***********************
Sam looked rumpled and
unkempt as he made his way to Todd's room.�
Frank and Terry exchanged worried glances at the sight of him.� They knew he would end up spending most of
the day sitting by Jimmy's side, almost as lost in his own sorrow as Jimmy was.
***********************
Kevin noticed the circles
under his mother's eyes.� He knew she
hadn�t slept well.� He asked her if she
wanted to talk.� Viki could not get her
dream out of her mind.� She wanted to.� She wanted to shut it out of her mind
forever.� She had no idea what it meant
or why it disturbed her so.� Kevin
called the hospital.
"Mom, there is no point
in you sitting around there all day.�
They said Jimmy is not responding to anyone.� Sam is with him."
"I should be there for
Sam," Viki said quietly.
"For what?� To stare at him while he stares at
Todd?"
"Kevin!" Viki said
sharply.
"Mom, I'm not being
callous toward Sam.� Right now he
doesn't want to talk any more than Jimmy does.�
Maybe they both just need some peace?�
Why don't you come to the Banner
with me?� There are some things that can
use your attention.� I think it would do
you some good and I think it might do Sam some good, too.� Maybe he needs some time to be the only one
there for Todd."
Viki did see some sense in
what Kevin said.� She called Susannah
and Susannah agreed with Kevin.� She
thought Viki needed some time at her job.�
Susannah didn't comment about Sam.�
She frankly felt Viki's presence one way or the other would not make
much difference to Sam right now.
********************
Before Susannah left for the
restaurant, she tried to communicate with Jimmy one more time.� Nothing.�
He didn't fight them when they came near him to give him his meds in the
IV.� She was thankful for that.� Susannah knew if she could not get Jimmy to
go inside, he would have to be kept heavily sedated, for a few days, once the
PEG tube was put in.
*********************
Susannah got to the
restaurant a few minutes before Bill and his family.� She ordered a Coke and breathed in the fresh spring air.� She was happy it was a warm day for that time
of year.� She didn't want the children
or Patches to feel chilly.� If Bill had
not been with the three children and the dog and as they walked down the street
from their car, and if Susannah had not already seen pictures of them, she
still would have known these were Bill's kids.�
All three of them looked like Bill.�
They were all a little tall for their age and all had his dark hair and
eyes.� Susannah could see Bill's facial
features in each child.� Josh held onto
Patches' leash with one hand and held Bill's hand with the other.� Michael and Tracy walked behind them.� Susannah waved to them.
"Is that her?"
Josh asked.
"That's her," Bill
confirmed.
Josh and Patches ran up to
her.� Patches put his paws on Susannah's
lap.� When she reached down to pet him,
he licked her face.� His tail was
wagging a mile a minute.
"He likes you.� I'm Josh.�
I'm eight.� I'm in little
league.� I play first base."
"I know.� Your dad is very proud of you.� He told me what a good ballplayer you
are." Susannah stated.
Bill was happy to see that
Josh was beaming.� He knew he already
liked Susannah.� That's one down, he joked to himself.
Tracy was next to step up to
Susannah.� "Daddy said you picked
this place so that Patches could eat with us, too."
"I would not want to be
in a strange city and in a strange hotel room and be left all alone,"
Susannah confessed as she continued to pet the dog.� "I didn't think Patches would either."
"We never got to take
him to a restaurant before.� Can we
order something for him, too?" Tracy asked.
"We sure can,"
Susannah said.� "I brought some paper
plates and plastic bowls in case the restaurant doesn't want to put their stuff
on the ground."
That's two, Bill thought when he saw Tracy's expression.� Bill noticed a smile on Michael's face.� He could tell his oldest thought Susannah
was cool.� "Grand Slam, Susannah.� You even
have the dog liking you already," Bill said to himself.
Over a lunch of ribs for
Susannah and Bill, a burger for Michael, chicken wings for Tracy, hot dogs for
Josh, fries for all of them and a couple of plainly grilled hot dogs and
hamburgers for Patches, Susannah and Bill's children made easy
conversation.� The children laughed at
some of the stories Susannah told them about pets she had when she was young.� They were fascinated by some of the milder
stories she told them about her days as an ER physician.� Susannah answered questions they had about
her job and about Todd honestly.� She
explained that some things were off limits to ask about because medical
professionals keep them confidential.
When Susannah announced that
she had to get back to the hospital, Bill could see his kids were
disappointed.� This made him very happy.
"Daddy said you invited
us to a Passover party if your patient isn't too sick," Tracy announced.
"Yes." Susannah
smiled.� "It's called a seder.� Do you think it's something that you would
like to do?"
"Do they have cake and
ice cream there?" Josh asked.
Susannah laughed.� "I'm not sure about ice cream, but I
know there will be dessert.� My sister
and I always like to have plenty of dessert on hand."
Tracy looked up at her
father.� "I wanna go.� Can we, Daddy?"
"Me, too," Josh
chimed in.
"It's okay with
me," Michael added.
"You heard the vote,
Susannah.� I think you'd better prepare
Nora and Bo.� You've seen how much my
kids like to eat."
"Yeah, almost as much
as my dad." Michael patted Bill's stomach.
Tracy and Josh giggled.
Tracy touched Susannah's
heart when she asked her if she would help her pick out a dress for the
Seder.� Susannah promised she
would.� She would make the time.� Susannah was even more touched when both
Josh and Tracy kissed her goodbye.� And
Josh announced.� "I'm glad you're
my daddy's friend."
Susannah walked Bill and his
family back to their car and she headed back to the hospital.
**************************
Jimmy remained as Susannah
had left him.� She took a seat a few
inches from his bed.� "I know you
feel very sad.� It might help if you
talked about why you're so sad.� You can
say as much or as little as you want.�
Do you think you can just say a few words to me?� Hmmmm?"� There was no response.�
Jimmy stayed lost in his sorrow.
Susannah had already spoken
to the surgeon and the gastroenterologist about the possibility of the
procedure.� Now she called to schedule
Todd to have the PEG tube put in tomorrow morning.� Susannah sighed and shook her head as she hung up the phone.� As she had countless times before, Susannah
wished she could do what Todd wanted and just let him be or wave a magic wand
and make all his pain vanish.
Susannah called T�a to find
out how she was doing.� Rachel answered
the phone and said that T�a was napping.�
She told Susannah that sleeping seemed to be all T�a was doing since she
came home.� Susannah asked if she was
able to wake T�a easily and if T�a seemed oriented when she did.� Susannah was relieved to hear Rachel answer
yes to both questions.� She told Rachel
that T�a had not allowed herself to rest properly right after her head injury
and her body was just getting what it needed.�
She once again cautioned Rachel on the danger signs to look for and if
any were present she was to get T�a right back to the hospital.� Susannah told Rachel to tell T�a there was
no point in her coming to the hospital while Jimmy was still out.
**********************
Viki came back to the
hospital later in the day.� She looked
in on Jimmy.� She tried talking to
him.� She got no more response than
anyone else had.� Viki did get Sam to
agree to have dinner with her in the cafeteria.� Sam did not say much during the meal.� He ate about three quarters of his meal.� Viki could see that he was forcing it.� She was grateful that at least he was still
willing to keep his strength up.�
Susannah had told them that Jimmy was scheduled to have the PEG tube put
in at nine, tomorrow morning.� They both
wanted to make sure to be in his room by then.�
Viki asked Sam to please come to the lounge early to make sure he had
enough time to get some sleep.� She knew
that Sam was lucky if he got three hours sleep for every eight hours he spent
in bed.� Viki was anxious about going to
sleep.� She did not want to have that
dream again.� She had been able to push
it out of her mind all day, by keeping herself occupied with Banner
business.� Now it came back to haunt her
again.
*********************
Jimmy was still out when
morning came.� He had only been out of bed
a few times since he'd surfaced and that was only to use the bathroom.� When he did get up, he remained withdrawn
and detached.� He walked like a robot
and did not seem to hear any questions posed to him.� He walked slowly and with great effort, taking only the smallest
of steps.� It took him several minutes
to get the short distance from his bed to the bathroom.� He walked with his head hung and his chin
nearly touching his chest.� Those few
steps seemed like a mile to him.� Jimmy
was much weaker than the others.� His
depression was very severe.� It was as
if he were willing the life out of his body.�
Staff walked closely behind him and backward in front of him, in case he
started to fall.� As long as they made
no attempt to touch him, he tolerated this.�
He didn't seem to have a problem with staff being right next to him in
the bathroom either, as long as there was no physical contact.
Susannah had gotten to his
room at eight the next morning.� Sam and
Viki were both already there.� She
tried, unsuccessfully, yet again, to get him to go inside and to get another
alter to come out.� She tried for the
adult alters.� There was no
response.� Susannah sat by his bed and
gently explained to him what was going to happen.� She told him it could be held off if he began to eat.� There was still no response.� Susannah had him heavily sedated.� His vitals were checked and he was taken
down for the procedure.
**********************
The procedure went
well.� Kevin waited near the recovery
room with Sam and Viki.� Jimmy was still
in a deep sleep when they wheeled him out.�
Both Sam and Viki stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.� It seemed like a hundred years since they
had been able to touch him.
It took a lot of convincing
from Rachel and phone calls from Viki and Susannah, telling T�a there was
nothing she could do for Jimmy.�
Finally, T�a was persuaded to stay home.� T�a felt worse than she let on.�
Her head was throbbing.� When she
got off the phone, she crawled back into bed for another nap.
Viki had called Blair, as
she usually did once daily, and told her that the procedure was over and Todd
was doing fine.� Blair wanted to come to
the hospital, but Starr had come down with the sniffles and Blair did not want
to leave her with the nanny or with Dorian.�
To this day, Blair was still overly anxious whenever Starr became
ill.� No matter how minor the illness
was Blair never forgot how close she and Todd came to losing their little girl.
***********************
On the third day, since the
PEG tube had been put in, Jimmy remained out and had to be kept under heavy
sedation.� Susannah would allow the
sedation to lift.� As soon as it did,
Jimmy became highly agitated.� They
didn't know if he was in pain.� He
wouldn't or couldn't respond to their questions.� They knew it was Jimmy because of his shrieks not to touch him if
any staff member, Viki, Sam or Kevin came near him.
There was nothing any of
them could do for him.� No amount of
love, or kind words could touch his suffering.�
Therapy sessions were impossible.�
Restraints would only cause him additional agony.� Since he needed lots of hands on care,
keeping him asleep was the only option for now.
***********************
Nora called Susannah and
asked her if she, Bill and his kids were coming to the Seder.� Nora had even invited Patches to come keep
Mud company, when she heard the dog had come to town with the children.� Nora appreciated that Susannah could not say
for sure until the last minute.�
Susannah knew that physically, Jimmy was doing well.� There was no sign of infection around the
incision.� Medication had helped the
bloating.� He was tolerating being fed
and medicated through the tube.� Despite
the heavy sedation, Jimmy would moan when he was touched for vitals, bathing,
and especially when the incision was cared for.� Susannah ordered a painkiller for him as well.� It was given shortly before they tended to
his incision and seemed to do the trick.�
There was nothing more Susannah could do for him.� She was not sure why Jimmy stayed out.� Perhaps his depression was too much for the
system to handle and he was pushed out and not allowed back in, she
theorized.� In any case, it made little
difference to Jimmy if Susannah was gone for a few hours.� She told Nora that she, Bill and the kids
would be there.� Nora had been happy to
hear that Susannah thought it went well with Bill's kids, not that Nora had any
doubts about Bill's children liking Susannah.�
Nora had never known a child or an animal that didn't take to Susannah.� Nora felt sadness wash over here when she
heard what they had to do to Todd.� She
didn't understand why and then she realized she could hardly bear to think of
those two little boys she met having to go through that.� Nora chastised herself for her
feelings.� She kept telling herself that
it's Todd's body and he deserves whatever happens to him.� Somehow, that old reason didn't work as well
for her anymore.� Nora pushed the whole
thing out of her mind and called the caterers to make sure everything would be
delivered well before sundown.
************************
Despites T�a's protests that
she would be all right if left alone, Viki came to stay with T�a so that Rachel
could go enjoy her family without worrying.�
Viki pointed out that not only did she want to stay with her because she
loved her, but that Todd would want that.�
T�a knew Viki was right.� He
would.� Viki could see that T�a was
forcing herself to stay awake to keep her company.� Viki went into full mother mode.�
She not only insisted that T�a lie down, she tucked her in.� That simple action, brought tears to T�a's
eyes.� It had been a long time since
"a mother" had tucked her in.�
It triggered incredibly strong emotions.� Viki realized this.� She
kissed T�a on the forehead and gave her silent support until she fell
asleep.� Viki knew no matter how strong
T�a was able to be for Todd and the alters, she had many issues and needs of
her own.� She was happy if she was able
to fill some of those needs for this young woman she had grown to love.
**********************
Susannah waited in front of
the hospital for Bill and his "gang" to pick her up.� Tracy looked adorable in the dress Susannah
had helped her pick out.� She had gotten
the little girl a new pair of shoes to go with it.� Josh looked as uncomfortable as any eight-year-old would in his
suit.� Michael's suit was trendy and he
seemed perfectly at home in it.� On the
way over, Susannah gave them some idea of what to expect at a Seder.� Josh and Tracy got very excited when she
told them that as the youngest, they could read the four questions if they
wanted to.� They also were excited over
the hiding of the matzoh when they found out that whoever finds it, wins a
prize.
Rachel, Hank and RJ had
already arrived when Susannah, Bill, the kids and Patches arrived.� To Susannah's surprise, Asa and Renee were
there, too.� Bo had already warned Asa
and Hank not to make any snide remarks about Todd.� Susannah introduced Bill and his family to everyone.� Patches and Mud cautiously sniffed each
other.� Within minutes they were acting
like two old friends and chasing each other around the house much to the
children's delight.
Renee, Rachel and Susannah
helped Nora put everything out.
"I'm starved.� How long before we get this show on the
road," Asa called out.
"Asa!" Renee
scolded.� "Everything that's needed
for the Seder has to be put out."
"Hang on, Pa," Bo
kidded.� "If you pass out from
hunger, we may just give your portion to the dogs."
Finally, Nora called
everyone to the table.� Rachel spoke
first.� She looked lovingly at Nora and
Hank.� "Since I am the product of a
connection between a Christian and a Jew, the Passover seder has always been
important to me because it is one of the strongest connections between
Christians and Jews.� The dinner Jesus
hosted for his disciples, the Last Supper, was the seder meal."
Renee spoke next.� "Seder is the traditional Passover Week
Dinner celebrated by the Hebrews since the Exodus.� It is the Hebrew Thanksgiving, giving thanks to God for deliverance
from slavery in Egypt and redemption.�
Seder is also called the Passover Dinner, commemorating the protection
of God as the Angel of Death passed over every family protected by the Blood of
the Paschal Lamb.� It is the festival of
freedom and of Spring."
Bo stood up.� "There is a special way the Seder takes
place.� The word 'seder' means 'order'
in Hebrew.� So the Seder is the order of
this special dinner.� You'll notice that
you each have a book next to your place setting.� This is the guide for the Seder.�
The Seder is detailed in this book known as the Haggadah, which
literally means 'narration.'� It relates
the story of the Exodus from Egypt."
RJ, who had not only
attended Seders at Nora's house before, but also attended them as a young boy
at his church, spoke next.� "There
are some special things we do at this dinner.�
One of them is to place a pillow at left side of the leader of the
Seder.� We all recline to the left
during this meal to symbolize eating comfortably as a free person and not as a
slave.� We also have a special Seder
plate.� Each item on it is a special
food that symbolizes the sacrifices, which were brought in the temple.� More will be explained about this when the
four questions are asked."� RJ
turned to Josh and Tracy and winked at them.�
"That's where both of you come in."
The children exchanged looks
and broke into giggles.� Susannah and
Bill squeezed each other's hand under the table.� They were happy to see the kids having a good time.
Hank was next to speak.� "Many of the customs and rituals of the
seder are derived from the Greco-Roman customs at banquets.� One of these rituals is the cleansing of the
diners' hands before eating anything.�
This is why you see a pitcher of water and a basin and towels at the
table.� It is thought that the first
washing at the Last Supper was when Jesus washed the disciples� feet."
RJ stood and spoke once
more.� "There are four cups of wine
drunk during the seder, and these four cups are based upon a verse in Exodus
6:6-7, where God describes the Divine plan for redeeming the people of Israel
to Moses. God says, 'I am the Lord; I will free you from the labors of the
Egyptians and deliver you from their bondage. I will redeem you with an
outstretched arm and through extraordinary chastisements. And I will take you
to be My people, and I will be your God.�
And you shall know that I, the Lord, am your God who freed you from the
labors of the Egyptians.� I will bring
you into the land which I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and I
will give it to you for a possession, I am the Lord.'� We don't fill our cups with wine.� Although we are celebrating the Hebrews' freedom from oppression,
we do not rejoice over the suffering of those who oppressed them.� We show compassion.� A fifth cup is put out, but not drunk.� It is The Cup for Elijah.� He was a prophet.� At the end of the meal we open the door for him and wait to see
if he comes to sip from his cup of wine."
Susannah and Rachel smiled
at RJ.� They were both impressed with
this side of him that he seldom showed.�
Hank smiled as well.� He remembered
when he used to take the hand of his little brother and walk into Sunday school
with him.
Nora pointed to the Seder
plate.� "The roasted shank bone
represents the Paschal sacrifices which the Jews brought to the temple during a
feast predating the Passover holiday."�
She then pointed to the leaf of romaine lettuce.� "The Maror, or bitter herb, symbolizes
the bitterness of the bondage the Jews endured in Egypt."� With a smile on her face and a questioning
look in her eyes, Nora nodded to Susannah.�
She didn't know if Susannah still remembered the Seder ritual.
Susannah stood and pointed
to the next item on the Seder plate.�
"Charoseth is a mixture of chopped apples, nuts, cinnamon, honey,
and wine, which represents the mortar Jewish slaves used to build the great stone
structures of Egypt."� Pointing to
the boiled potato, Susannah continued.�
"Karpas, a vegetable, is a symbol of hope and renewal of life
promised with the coming of spring."�
Susannah sat down.
Rachel stood and pointed to
the last of the two items on the Seder plate, yet unmentioned.� "A charred or roasted egg represents
the burnt offerings Jews brought to the first temple on every day of the
Passover feast."� Rachel finally
pointed to the three pieces of matzoh, each individually wrapped in a napkin in
its special place under the other foods on the Seder plate.� "Matzoh is the unleavened bread that is
eaten during Passover.� It's meant to
serve as a reminder of the hardship Jews suffered in Egypt.� They had to depart so quickly that their
bread didn't have time to rise.� Two of
the pieces represent the loaves of the bread blessed on every Sabbath and
holiday, and the third is the matzoh we use in the Seder."
Rachel sat down and turned
the floor over to Hank again.� "The
Afikoman is a part of the middle piece of matzoh.� It is broken off and hidden by the leader of the Seder.� The children who attend the Seder must find
it.� Traditionally, the one who finds
the Afikoman ransoms it back to the leader for some type of reward."
"Tracy!� That's us!" Josh said to his sister as
he bounced up and down with excitement.
Susannah loved to see that
Bill's children adapted well to new situations and that they were perfectly at
ease with strangers.� They felt free to
express themselves and their joy.� She
knew that Bill and the children's mother had given them love and security.� For a moment, her thoughts went to Todd and
how different things were for him as a child.�
Susannah realized she would be lost in thoughts about him if she didn't
push Todd from her mind for now.
Hank finished with one more
statement.� "We each have a small
bowl of salt water at our place.� Salt
water, into which the Karpas is dipped before eating, symbolizes the tears of
all those who suffered for freedom."
Nora stood up.� Looking in the children's direction, she
asked. "To use Asa's words, is everyone ready to get this show on the
road?"
"Yeah!" Tracy
exclaimed gleefully.
"When do we get to the
present for finding the Matzoh?" Josh asked.
Everyone else at the table
laughed.
"Not for a while yet,
partner," Bo replied.� "First
there are lots of goodies to eat."
"I can eat a
horse," Michael commented.
"I hope you'll settle
for roasted chicken and brisket," Nora joked.� "I'm not sure if horse is Kosher anyway."
They all heard that Michael
had a full, warmhearted laugh, like his dad.
Nora began the Seder by
lighting the candles.� She recited the
blessing.� "Blessed art Thou O
Eternal our God, ruler of the Universe who sanctified us by Thy commandments and
ordained that we kindle the festival lights."
Rachel no longer drank
alcohol because of her past substance abuse problem, so her glass was filled
with grape juice, as were the children's glasses.� The rest were filled with wine.
Bo held up the first cup of
wine.� "Blessed art Thou O Eternal
our God, ruler of the Universe, who creates the products of the
vine."� Leaning on his left side,
he drank from the cup, as did everyone else.
The children's eyes were as
big as saucers as they watched to see what would come next.
Bo took the pitcher of water
and basin in front of him.� "We
wash our hands several times during the seder by pouring water from a pitcher,
twice on each hand, beginning with the right.�
In the Jewish legal conception of the significance of food, vegetables
are considered as less significant than baked bread. Therefore, this washing
before eating a vegetable does not require a blessing.� We do say one before eating the
vegetable."
The pitcher and basin were
passed around for everyone.� Susannah
saw Josh was having a little trouble lifting it and she helped him.� Josh smiled up at her lovingly.
Bo lifted a piece of the
potato.� "'Blessed art Thou O
Eternal our God, ruler of the Universe creates the fruit of the earth.'� We now dip this in the saltwater."
Everyone dipped his or her
potato in the little dish of salt water.
"Okay kids.� Here comes some of the fun stuff," RJ
teased them.
Bo broke the middle piece of
Matzoh in half.� He wrapped one of the
halves in another napkin.� "You
guys cover your eyes and no peeking."
Tracy and Josh put their
hands over their eyes.
Bo placed the covered piece
of Matzoh under a couch cushion.�
"Okay!� You can open your
eyes."
"Do we get to look for
it now?" Tracy asked.
"Nope, not yet,"
RJ told them.� He was getting a kick out
of little ones being at the table again.
The adults at the table took
turns telling the Passover story.� Even
Asa, thanks to his own Sunday school days, was able to contribute.
"But I like
frogs!" Josh protested when Asa got to the part about the frogs being the
second plague on the Pharaoh.
"Well, I don't think
you'd like to have them in your face and on your tummy and sitting on top of
your head." Bill tickled each of those body parts on Josh, as he kidded
with him.� Josh broke into a fit of
giggles.
The children remained
wide-eyed throughout.� The children,
Asa, Renee, and Bill all picked it up quickly.�
Everyone was now invested in the festivity of the Seder and the rest of
the pre-meal ritual passed joyously.
When the Passover story was
finished, Susannah leaned over to Tracy and Josh.� "I think this is when the four questions are asked.� Do you both want to read them?"
They both nodded eagerly.
Susannah opened their
Haggadahs and turned it to the right page.
As the youngest, Josh began.
"Why is this night different from all other nights?"
Bo answered.� "The Israelites left Egypt so quickly
that their bread had not enough time to rise or to be baked in the oven.
Instead, the bread baked under the hot sun causing it to flatten into a hard,
unleavened bread."
Tracy asked the next
question.� "Why on any other night
can we eat any kind of herbs but tonight only bitter herbs?"
Nora answered this one.� "The bitter herbs remind us of the
bitter lives slaves endure, particularly the bitter lives of the Israelites in
Egypt."
Josh asked the third.� "Why on any other night do we not dip
even once but on this night we dip twice?"
Bill read from the Haggadah
as he answered.� "When we dip the
parsley in salt water, we are reminded not only of the return of Spring but
also of the tears shed by the Israelite slaves.� When we dip a second time by putting the maror into the sweet
haroset, we are reminded that times of sorrow can become seasons of hope."
Tracy asked the last of the
four questions.� "Why on any other
night can we eat and drink either sitting or reclining but tonight we only
recline?"
Susannah read the next
answer.� "In ancient times, to
recline at the table was a privilege of those who were free, so tonight we
recline to express our freedom.� We hope
that oppressed people will overcome their adversity so they can live in peace
and dignity and have liberty to pursue life to the fullest."
"Great job kids!"
Asa started applauding.� The others
laughed and applauded along with him as they too praised the children.
"I'm so proud of you
both," Bill whispered to them.
"You guys read so well
I'm gonna have to get you to start doing my homework for me," Michael
joked with them.
Rachel then led them in the
singing of a lively Passover song called Da-Dayanu.
"So, did I hear anyone
say they were still hungry?"� Nora
knew the small amounts of food and matzoh they had eaten so far would not have
put a dent in their appetites.
"Me! Me!" Josh and
Tracy called out.
"You'd better have
plenty back there," Asa said loudly.
"Don't worry, Pa.� If there's not enough Renee will take you to
a rib joint on your way home," Bo teased.
The meal started off with
chicken soup with matzoh balls and was followed by gefilted fish served with
horseradish, roasted brisket of beef and chicken, a firm potato pudding called
a potato kugel, a dish made with sweet potatoes, carrots and prunes and
sweetened with honey, called a tzimmes, and side dishes of pickled cucumbers
and beets.� Assorted chocolate candies,
chocolate souffl� cake, honey cake, fruit cup and multicolored jelly candies
were the dessert choices.
By the time the meal was
finished, the men needed to loosen their belts.
"I'm not eating another
thing for a week," Renee announced.
Mud and Patches, who were
each served their own plate of meat and vegetables, were both curled up next to
each other and were sound asleep.
"Good thing I don't
have a game tomorrow," Michael joked as he patted his stomach.� "I'd never make any of those
jumps."� Michael had already told
them he was on his school's basketball team.
Keeping his speech casual,
RJ spoke up.� "I know what the next
step is."� RJ winked at Bill and
Susannah and sighed loudly and deliberately.�
"But I'd guess that Tracy and Josh are too full and too tired to
hunt for that piece of matzoh."
"No we're not!"
both children proclaimed loudly as they jumped out of their seats.
"Then you'd better get
to it before the dogs wake up and beat you to it," Asa said with false
sternness."
"Can we look
everywhere?" Tracy asked.� Bill and
her mom had taught her it wasn't nice to look in drawers and things like that
in someone else's house.
"Be our guest,"
Nora told them.
It took them about fifteen
minutes to find it.� Susannah noticed
the closeness between them as they worked as a team.
"We found it!� We found it!" they both cried out and
ran back to the table with it.
"Looks like we have two
winners here," Bo commented.
"Then I guess we'll
need double the amount of the prizes," Nora stated.� Nora had already prepared for this by
getting Susannah to find out from Bill what his kids liked.
"Let's see what we got
here," Bo said as Nora handed him the gifts.� "This one seems to have the name Josh on it."� He handed Josh the wrapped present.
�And this one says 'Tracy'
so I can take a wild guess who this one goes to." Nora handed Bill's
daughter another of the wrapped presents.
"We seem to have one
more," Bo announced.� He looked at
the name, as if he didn't know whom it was for.� "Says Michael, so this must be for you."� He handed Bill's oldest boy a gift.
Nora saw the teenager looked
embarrassed.� "It's a package deal
in this house.� When one child finds the
matzoh, all the kids in the family get a gift, even if they are very grown
up."
"Thanks," Michael
said simply.� He took the gift with
grace.
When Michael, Tracy and Josh
saw the interactive basketball game, Backstreet Boys CD, and interactive
baseball game, respectively, they were all thrilled.� The young children wondered how these people who hardly knew them
knew what their favorites were.� Michael
figured out that Susannah must have asked his father.� He smiled in their direction.
After the Afikoman was
eaten, the after dinner grace was recited and the third cup of wine was drunk.
The door was opened for the
prophet Elijah.
When Elijah's wine remained
untouched, Josh said, "Maybe he came but he wasn't thirsty."
That the child was serious
made his remark even more endearing to the adults.
Bo said the blessing for the
fourth cup of wine.� "The fourth
cup of wine reminds us that we have an obligation to live morally, to respect
others, to give to others less fortunate than we, and to be grateful for our
blessings.� Let us bless this cup of
wine and remember our obligation to liberate those who suffer from oppression
today."
They each drank from their
cup one more time and then the Seder was over.
Nora, Bo, Rachel, and Hank
cleared away the table.� Bo and Nora
insisted Susannah and Bill relax and get to know RJ, Asa and Renee.
The dogs woke up and had to
go.� Michael offered to take them for a
walk.� Tracy and Josh went with them.
Bill called after them to make sure not to go off the block.
"So you're the shrink
who's getting inside Todd Manning's head.�
Well, Doc, I can tell you that is not someplace I'd like to be."
"Asa!" Renee
chastised.� "You promised."
"What?� I didn't say a word in front of the
kids.� By the way, Bill, those are some
fine children you've got there.� Maybe
you and the doc here will soon be having some of your own kids running around?
Nora!" Asa bellowed.� "You
gonna let your sister and Bill beat you and Bo in the baby makin'
department?"
Renee rolled her eyes.� "I'm sorry.� I wish I could say it's the wine, but he's always like
that."
"I'd think being a
headshrinker, Susannah is happy to talk to someone who's not afraid to speak
his mind.� Ain't that right, Doc?"
Asa pressed.
Susannah laughed.� "Asa, I have to say that you don't seem
like a man who holds back his thoughts."
Asa turned to Bill.� "She's got a nice laugh.� She's good with your kids and she's a
looker.� You'd better hold on to this
one."
Just as the children came
back in with the dogs, Susannah's beeper went off.
She looked at it.� "Excuse me.� I have to call the hospital."
"Can't Manning stay on
his rocker long enough to give you one night out?" Asa snapped.� He felt Renee poke him in the ribs.
Susannah headed into the den
for some privacy.
**************************
"Susannah, Todd
surfaced." Connie began.� "He
seemed to be having a nightmare as he was coming out of sedation.� He's still really out of it, but he's
agitated.� He's crying and
whimpering.� He's calling out for Viki
and his mother.� He's also complaining
that his stomach hurts.� I checked the
incision and it looks good.� His vitals
are good, too."
"Did you call
Viki?" Susannah asked.
"Yes.� She didn't want to wake T�a or pull Rachel
away from her family.� She called Kevin to
come stay with T�a.� She also hopes
Kevin will be able to keep T�a from rushing to the hospital when she hears Todd
has come back."
"Good.� Viki will never trust us enough to leave the
hospital if she's not contacted immediately when Todd or one of the alters
calls for her.� Is Sam with Todd?"
Susannah asked.
"No, Sam's not in the
lounge.� We don't know where he is.� He might have gone for a walk or for
something to eat.� He was sitting with
Jimmy for several hours and then he left.�
We assumed he went to the lounge until we tried to get him."
"Is Todd calling for
him?"
"No.� He's only calling for Viki and his
mother."
"Keep telling Todd,
Viki and I will be right there.� Hold
off sedating him again, unless he gets out of control.� I'd like to have a chance to assess
him.� Set the bed up with restraints,
just in case, but I only want them used as a last resort if talk and sedation
don't help.� Keep him on
two-to-one."
"Will do," Connie
said.
*******************
Bo, Nora, Hank and Rachel
were back in the living room when Susannah returned.� "I'm sorry.� I have
to get back to the hospital."�
Susannah turned to Bill's children.�
"My patient woke up and he's upset.� I have to go see him."
"Can you spend time
with us again tomorrow?" Tracy asked.
"I hope so.� I'll try." Susannah committed as much
as she could.� She turned to
Rachel.� "The hospital also called
Viki.� You don't have to rush back.� Kevin is coming over to stay with T�a."
Bill gathered Patches.� He, Susannah and the children quickly
thanked Nora and Bo for the wonderful time they had and for the presents and
they left.� Bill would have to drop
Susannah off at the hospital because she came in his car.
"Now, ain't that a
shame.� A fine woman like that
interrupting a night with family to tend to a low down polecat like Todd
Manning.� This whole town would be
better off if she just let him throw himself off a bridge or something."
"Asa, shut up!"
They were all shocked to
hear Nora say that.
"Don't tell me you're
defending Todd Manning?"� Asa could
not believe this.� "It's bad enough
he has Bo, Viki and my grandson Kevin bamboozled.� I always thought you were too smart for that, Nora.� Especially after everything Manning did to
you."
"Asa!� What has gotten into you tonight?"
Renee was exasperated.
"I haven't forgotten
any of the things Todd did to me!" Nora said angrily.� "I just . . . look, he's sick!� Like it or not my sister is his doctor.� I'm trying to make the best of it.� Now can we please change the subject!�?
"How about a real
drink?� You got any bourbon?" Asa
asked.
"Help yourself!"
Nora snapped.� "I'll be back in a
few minutes."� She headed for the
bedroom.
"I'll get us both a
drink," RJ volunteered and headed for the bar.
Bo and Rachel exchanged
looks.� They knew that Nora was at war
with herself and fighting any sympathy she was feeling for Todd.
**********************
Kevin sat in T�a's living
room.� It had been about twenty minutes
since Viki left.�� He heard the shower
turn on.� Apparently T�a had woken up
and decided to take a shower.� He guessed
that she assumed Rachel was still there.�
He would wait until she came out into the living room.� He didn't want to startle her or intrude on
her privacy.� He hoped she would go
right back to sleep when she was through.�
He knew she'd want to go to the hospital if she heard Todd was out.� Kevin was startled out of his thoughts by
the sound of his cell phone.� It was
Rachel.� She wanted to find out if
everything was all right.� Kevin assured
her that it was and she could stay with her family for as long as she
wanted.� He told her Viki would call him
if he or T�a were needed at that hospital.�
Rachel told him she would like to stay for a while and that she'd be
home later.� She asked Kevin to leave
the door to the room unlocked.� She
explained that she'd forgotten her key and if T�a were asleep, she didn't want
to wake her by banging on the door.�
Kevin looked forward to spending some time with Rachel when she got
home.� He hoped she wouldn't be too
tired.
*********************
Sam had been walking the
dark streets for the past hour and a half.�
Despite the chilly March night, he only wore his suit jacket.� Pete's words played over and over again in
Sam's mind, as did visions of Jimmy, Timmy, Adam and Todd.� Sam's mind was bombarded with intrusive
thoughts.� What if they really are doing this to Todd?� So many of them hated him.�
Now they're suddenly forgiving him and being kind to him.� What if he and Pete have been right all
along?� The conversation Sam overheard between Rachel and Susannah
preyed on his mind.� What if Blair is right?� What if T�a and Kevin are screwing around
and in on this together?�
"NO!� NO! NO!" Sam's
voice echoed on the nearly empty street.�
The few people who were around stared at him and rushed off.� He frightened them.� He frightened himself; still, he continued
to talk to himself out loud.� "T�a
loves Todd.� I don't know about Kevin,
but T�a loves Todd.� She always
has!"
**********************
It had been more than forty
minutes since Kevin heard the shower turn on.�
It was still going.� He was
getting a little concerned.� Kevin
knocked on the bedroom door and called to T�a.�
When there was no answer he walked into the bedroom and headed for the
bathroom.� "T�a!� T�a, it's Kevin.� Viki had to go to the hospital.�
Todd came back.� He's all
right.� He was calling for her so she
went to him."� There was no
answer.� "T�a!" Kevin called
loudly.� He pounded on the bathroom
door.� There was no response.� Kevin was getting nervous.� "T�a!�
YOU REALLY NEED TO ANSWER ME!" Kevin shouted.� He pounded on the door again.� He knew it was loud enough to be heard, even
with the shower running.� "T�A, IF
YOU DON'T ANSWER ME, I'M GONNA HAVE TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN!� T�A!"�
It took five tries of kicking the door and hitting it with his shoulder
before Kevin heard the lock give and saw the door fly open.� T�a was lying near the tub, wet, naked and
unconscious.
"Oh my God!" Kevin
cried out.� He ran to T�a and felt for a
pulse.� Her pulse was strong and
regular.� He saw that she was breathing.� Kevin's panic subsided, but only
slightly.� Kevin didn't stop to shut off
the shower.� He threw a towel over
T�a.� He took a washcloth and rinsed it
in cold water from the sink.� He patted
T�a's face and neck with the cool washcloth and called her name several
times.� On his third try, T�a moaned
slightly.� "T�a.� T�a, it's Kevin.� Wake up.� You passed out.� T�a!"�
She moaned again, but didn't open her eyes.� Kevin noticed she was shivering.�
He lifted her up.� He began to
carry her to the bed.� T�a started to
come to, slightly.� She moaned
again.� In a dream like state between
consciousness and unconsciousness, T�a felt herself being carried.� She placed her arms around Kevin's neck and
rested her head against his chest as he carried her.� Kevin couldn't see one of T�a's slippers on the floor and nearly
tripped on it.� He kicked it across the
room to avoid an accident.
Kevin didn't hear the knock
on the door while he was tending to T�a.�
Sam had decided to go to Viki.�
He was terrified of the thoughts he was having.� Sam still believed with certainty that Viki
loved Todd with all her heart.� He
wanted to hear her say again that she thought leaving Todd in the hospital was
the best thing for him.� He wanted to
hear her tell him that Todd knew he loved him.�
He wanted to hear her talk about the life they would all have together
someday.� Sam also wanted to see
T�a.� He wanted to look in her eyes
again.� He hoped that would erase any
doubts he had about her.� Sam was
confused when no one answered the door.�
He wondered if he misunderstood Viki and she was not there after
all.� Sam knocked again.� "Viki . . . T�a," he called
out.� Sam tried the door.� To his surprise, it opened.� "T�a . . . Viki," Sam called
again.� Sam heard a noise coming from
the bedroom.� He opened the door slowly.� Kevin didn't see him.� Sam stood silently and watched Kevin
carrying a near naked and wet T�a.� He
saw T�a's arms around Kevin's neck.�
From where he stood, it appeared as if she were nuzzling Kevin's
neck.� She didn't seem to be resisting
him.� He saw Kevin lay her on the bed
and sit next to her.� The pictures of
T�a and Kevin that Blair had shown him flashed though Sam's mind.� He felt a shiver run up his spine.� It was as if his blood had turned to ice
water.� Sam silently closed the bedroom
door and left the hotel room.
TO BE CONTINUED
COPYRIGHT RS 2001/RHFC
This work of fiction is not
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images, characters, cities and settings are all
Copyrighted by ABC Daytime.
All material included in these pages is, in my
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