T�a realized that did make some sense. 'Madre de Dios, the last thing I want to do is hurt Todd even more,' T�a thought to herself. "Deal," she agreed. T�a allowed Kevin to gently push her back against the pillows. Susannah asked Frank and Jeff to accompany Todd, Sam and her to the ICU. She hoped Todd would remain stable as they all headed for the ICU.

******************************************************************************************

Todd, Sam, Susannah, Frank and Jeff stepped out of the dayroom and into the hallway. Although he hated it and was mortified by it, Todd allowed Frank to hold his arm and guide him as they walked. Todd stopped walking, causing them all to stop. "Sam," Todd called out.

"I'm right here, Todd. What's wrong?" Sam was concerned by the tone in Todd's voice.

Todd rubbed his hand over his hair and face and then down the front of the sweatshirt he was wearing. Todd hung his head in embarrassment. "Sam, am I clean? Do I look okay or am I messy?" Todd whispered. He didn't realize everyone else was close enough to hear his question.

Sam smiled. Susannah and the staff saw the love pouring out of Sam's eyes as he looked at Todd. "You look fine pal. Your hair, face, and clothes are clean. T�a will be so happy to see you."

Todd took a deep breath. He felt a little fuzzy and off balance. He was sorry he agreed to take the medication.

"Todd, would you like to wait a while before you go to see T�a?" Frank asked.

"No! I want to see her now! You promised! You said I could."

"Hey, buddy. Calm down. We're taking you to see T�a right now. I thought you might want to take a few minutes or sit down and rest for a while first," Frank explained.

"No, I want to go see Delgado now." Todd insisted.

"Okay, then that's what you'll do. I'm going to hold onto your arm again and we are going to go through the doors that lead off the unit. Then we have to walk about thirty feet down a hallway to the elevator and take that to the ICU." Frank explained every step of the way to Todd. He didn't want him to panic. They would be taking the patient transport elevator. If Todd started to freak out, they didn't want any visitors to become alarmed.

They continued to head for the doors. "Is Doctor Hanen here?" Todd's question sounded more like a plea. Susannah could hear that he wanted to make sure she was with him.

"I'm here, Todd. I'll stay with you the whole time," Susannah assured him.

"Why are we stopping?" Todd asked when Frank stopped him from continuing.

"We have to unlock the doors. It'll just take a second," Frank filled him in.

Todd started to tremble. At the same time, he began to perspire profusely. His heart started to race and his chest became tight and painful. His entire body started to tingle, his fingers and mouth more than the rest. They felt numb. "I can't breathe," Todd gasped.

They all saw what was happening immediately. Jeff quickly put the key he was about to use away.

Susannah took Todd's ice cold, clammy, hand. "Todd, it's all right. You're having an anxiety attack. We're going to walk you back to a chair so you can sit down."

"No! I have to see Delgado! Oh God! Please don't let this happen now."

"Todd, it's all right. You just need to slow down your breathing and try to relax. We'll do some of the relaxation techniques we taught you. Come on, honey. Let's get you to a chair."

They all exchanged looks. It was obvious to them that the thought of leaving the unit sent Todd into a state of panic.

Todd was trembling so badly he could hardly walk with them. He wanted to die more than ever. 'I'm such a loser. God! What's happening to me? I can't even go to see my wife without freaking out. Ohhhh! I am crazy. I'll never be okay. I'll never get out of here for good. I'm worthless, garbage. Delgado needs me and I'm too crazy to help her.' Thoughts of self-hatred and shame pummeled Todd's brain.

"Okay, buddy. You're standing in front of a chair. Sit down and we'll help you get calm."

Todd was frozen with panic. He couldn't move or understand Frank's words. Frank and Jeff slowly and gently lowered him to the chair.

"Boomer, I won't let anything hurt you. I swear. You're safe. Let me help you. Tell me how to help you." Sam was panicking a little himself. His tolerance for seeing Todd like this was lessening as his own anxiety, guilt and depression increased. He was already blaming himself for what was happening to Todd.

"Sam, it's difficult for Todd to understand all that you're saying to him right now. He can't answer questions. He needs to be directed," Susannah whispered to Sam. She spoke to him gently. She didn't want Sam losing it as well. "We will help Todd calm down. It would be best if you sat down and relaxed so Todd doesn't pick up on your anxiety."

Sam didn't argue or resist. He sat down and stayed quiet.

Susannah sat down next to Todd. Todd was still in the throes of the severe anxiety attack. Even though Todd had been instructed in coping skills many times before and had been able to utilize them by himself when he felt moderate anxiety, right now his panic was too severe to think or remember. Susannah would have to guide him, step by step. "Todd, we're going to slow down your breathing. I'm going to take your hands and place the left one on my abdomen and right one on your abdomen." Todd didn't respond. The only sound coming from him was the sound of him gasping for breath. Susannah took Todd's hands. She placed one hand right below her rib cage and the other below his own rib cage. "Todd, we're going to breathe in slowly and deeply through our nose. We're going to send the air as far down into our lungs as we can. You will feel your left hand rise as I take a deep breath. You need to feel your right hand do the same."

It took Susannah six tries at modeling the abdominal breathing technique before Todd could even begin to struggle in an attempt to copy her breathing. Finally he was able to take a breath deep enough to cause his right hand to rise.

"Great job, Todd! Very good! After we take the next deep breath we're going to pause for a moment and then exhale very slowly and fully." Susannah knew he could not handle more than one step at a time. She waited until he had mastered the first step before she directed him to do this one.

Todd's perspiring was starting to decrease slightly as his breathing slowed down. "Todd, I need to place my fingers on your wrist." Todd nodded. Susannah took his pulse. It too was slowing down. Susannah went on to the next step. "Todd, as you exhale, I want you to allow your whole body to go limp."

This step proved to be much more difficult for Todd, as Susannah feared it would be. His muscles were as tight as a drum. At this point, Susannah didn't think he would be able to handle using progressive relaxation techniques to relax his muscle groups.

"I can't," Todd cried out.

"That's all right. Just try to relax your body as much as you can as you exhale. We'll take ten deep breaths and count them by saying the number of the breath after we exhale." Susannah continued to speak slowly, clearly and softly.

It took until breath five before Todd was able to count along with Susannah. Todd was finally able to achieve some degree of muscle relaxation. "You're doing great, Todd," Susannah praised. His perspiring had stopped. "Todd, I'm going to place my fingers on your wrist again so I can take your pulse. Okay?" Susannah asked. He nodded once more. She knew he was relaxed enough to be able to understand her. His heart rate was nearly back to normal, for him. "Okay, Todd, I want you do say some of your positive statements."

Todd thought for a few moments. "I-I can�t. I . . ."

"That�s okay. I�ll help you." Susannah could see he couldn�t remember them on his own. "Take another deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth." Todd followed her direction. "Say, this is a normal bodily reaction to stress."

"This is a normal bodily reaction to stress," Todd repeated. His voice was slow and weak.

"This cannot harm me," Susannah said clearly.

"This cannot harm me," Todd�s voice was a little stronger this time.

"I will overcome this," Susannah prompted.

"I will overcome this," Todd repeated. Then on his own, he was able to remember, "I've survived this experience before and I can do it again."

Susannah smiled. "Very good Todd. You�re doing great! I�m very proud of you. Can you tell me how you're feeling?" Susannah asked him.

"Better," Todd whispered. He moved his fingers around. "I can feel them again. My chest doesn't hurt anymore."

"That's very good, Todd." Terry approached them with a clean dry sweatshirt.

"Todd, your shirt is all wet. I'm going to take it off and help you put on a dry one," Susannah informed him. Todd once again nodded. He lifted his arms as Susannah pulled the damp sweatshirt off of him and pulled his arms and then his head through the clean one. Once that was done, Susannah asked. "Can you tell me what you were feeling right before your anxiety attack started?"

Todd thought for a moment and shrugged. "I wasn't feeling anything," he denied.

"How do you feel about going off the unit?" Susannah asked more directly.

Todd didn't respond at first. Then he shrugged and hung his head again. "I got scared," he whispered.

"Can you tell me what you were scared of?" Susannah gently pressed.

"I'm so stupid . . . stupid and crazy . . . a psycho, like Asa says," Todd murmured miserably.

"What happened just now that makes you feel that you are all those things," Susannah asked softly. Her heart went out to him.

"I've been wanting to get out of here and get through those damn doors ever since the day I woke up and found myself locked in this loony bin and now when I was gonna get to do it I got so scared." Tears slowly made their way down Todd's cheeks.

"Do you know what scared you?" Susannah rephrased her question.

Todd thought for a minute. "People," he whispered again.

"People scare you." Susannah restated.

Todd nodded. "I scare them, too. They hate me. Everyone hates me. They think I'm a monster. They want to hurt me."

"Are there specific people that you think want to hurt you?" Susannah inquired.

"The Buchanans . . . Hank Gannon . . . that mean voice," Todd wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Let's start with the mean voice. Tell me what he says that scares you," Susannah prompted.

Todd sighed. He took a deep breath. "He's gonna hurt Starr and T�a and everyone I care about. He's gonna hurt me so I can't help them. He knows I can't stop him and he can do anything he wants to me or to them. He hates me."

"How does it make you feel to think that he can hurt you and those you love like that?" Susannah believed Todd was strong enough to discuss this.

"Scared! I told you that already." Todd sounded annoyed.

"Does it make you feel anything besides scared?"

"Angry. It makes me angry," Todd admitted.

"What about it makes you angry?"

"He's got all this power over me. He can do whatever he wants and I can't stop him. He can hurt everyone and me and I can't stop him."

"You feel powerless," Susannah again restated.

Todd thought about it and nodded in agreement.

"Does it make you feel like you have no control over your own life?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded again.

"It must feel awful to feel those things," Susannah acknowledged.

"It sucks! I hate it. He makes my head hurt so much. He's gonna do it. He's stronger than me and he's bigger and he can do whatever he wants and no one can help or stop him. I hate him! I HATE HIM!"

"Does the way the voice makes you feel remind you of the way anyone else made you feel?" Susannah encouraged him to make a comparison.

Todd's body tensed up. "Okay, I don't wanna talk anymore," Todd stated nervously.

"Who else made you feel powerless and like you had no control over what would happen to you or those you loved?" Susannah pushed.

Todd's chin began to quiver. He began to rock back and fourth. "My dad," he whispered so softly he practically mouthed it.

"That's right. Your dad made you feel that way. He made you feel like there was nothing you could do to stop him from hurting you and those you loved and that made you very angry," Susannah verbalized for him.

"You can't get mad at my dad. You'll get punished even worse if you get mad at him," Todd protested.

"That was true when you were a little boy. You're all grown up now and your dad is dead. Honey. He can't hurt you anymore. You never have to be afraid of him again. You can get as mad at him as you want."

Todd started to shiver. "No, he comes back sometimes. That voice . . . it . . . it . . ." Todd hugged himself tightly.

"It sounds like your dad," Susannah finished his thought for him.

"Yeah," Todd confessed. "And he's out there. He's gonna hurt me and he's gonna make me really mad and when I get mad I hurt everyone. I can't help it. I don't wanna hurt people. I hate me when I hurt people."

"What part about hurting people feels good?" Susannah shocked both Todd and Sam with her question.

"No part of hurting people is supposed to feel good! That's sick!" Todd exclaimed

"Todd, when it comes to feelings there's no such thing as supposed to. We feel what we feel. Did you feel anything good when you were hurting Marty or Nora or anyone else you hurt?"

Todd's rocking increased. He nervously rubbed his hands through his hair. "I hate me! I hate me! I deserve to be locked away! I deserve to die!"

"Why, Todd? Why do you feel you deserve to be locked away and die?" Susannah knew he was close. She didn't want him to lose this chance.

Todd laughed ironically. "Because it did feel good. Not afterward . . . afterward it felt so bad and I hated myself so much . . . I . . . I . . . when I was hurting someone it made me feel like I had all the power and nothing bad could happen to me because I have all the control. I get so mad sometimes . . . it's like all this rage is inside me. It hurts me and makes my head hurt and makes me have these thoughts about hurting someone and they don't go away until I do."

"Who's the person you really want to hurt?" Susannah tried to focus his anger where it belonged.

"All of them! Everyone! You need to keep me locked away forever. You can't ever let me out. I hurt everyone even when I don't get mad. That's why Delgado is hurt! That's why she hates me. How can I face her when I got her hurt so bad? I'll hurt everyone. I hurt Blair. I'll hurt Starr. You can't ever open those doors."

"What doors Todd? The doors to the unit or the doors to your rage?"

"A monster lives inside me. He always has. He's there and he's waiting. No matter what I do . . . no matter what you do . . . he lives there. He just waits and when the door is open . . . even a tiny crack . . . even this much . . ." Todd held his thumb and index finger apart by the tiniest of fractions. "He gets out. He gets out and someone gets hurt."

"Are the voice and the monster one and the same?" Susannah prodded.

"No! The voice says he'll hurt everyone. The monster makes me hurt everyone."

"Do you think the people you've hurt, like Marty and Nora, deserved to be hurt?" Susannah continued to probe.

"They hurt me first!"

"How? What did they do to you?"

"Marty made me feel things I didn't wanna feel. Then she made me look stupid and get kicked off the football team. She made me look bad in front of my dad. Nora was supposed to help me. She was my lawyer. She was supposed to be there for me and protect me. She was supposed to keep me from being hurt and she didn't. She threw me to the wolves. She was good to Powell. She liked him. She helped him. She chose him over me. I heard she was at that beach house. I wanted to make her pay. I wanted to make her sorry for turning on me. I wanted to make her hurt the way I was hurt. I wanted her to know what it felt like. It did feel good to see how scared she was of being alone with a monster. She deserved it! She never really cared about me. She just pretended to. She chose Charles over me. I hate her! I hate her!"

Sam gasped. He never made the connection. He remembered how furious he was with Todd when he found out what Todd had done to Nora. 'My God! How could I have been so blind?' Sam chastised himself. At this point Sam almost welcomed more guilt. He wanted to punish himself.

"Todd, Nora never knew Charles. Your mom was the one who stayed with Charles and sent you home to your dad. It was your dad who hurt you." Susannah presented the reality of the situation to Todd. Todd began to tremble. "Todd, who is it the monster really wants to hurt? It's okay to say it. Nothing bad will happen by just saying it. We will keep you and everyone around you safe." Todd had his arms wrapped around him so tightly his knuckles were turning white. "Who are the people you really want to hurt?" Susannah repeated.

"I can't get mad at them. Something terrible will happen if I get mad at them."

"Get mad at whom, Todd?" Susannah persisted.

"He'll hurt me so bad if he thinks I'm mad at him. She'll leave and never come back. No! I'm not mad at them! NO!"

Very gently, Susannah once again presented the reality of the situation to him. She firmly believed he was strong enough to face this, right now and right there. "Honey. Your mom and dad are both dead. They are not waiting outside those doors. Your dad can never hurt you again and your mom can't leave you again, no matter how angry you get. You can hate them and be furious with them all you want to. There is nothing they can ever do to hurt you again. Todd, who makes you feel rage and makes you want to lash out and hurt them?"

"My dad and . . . and . . . m-my m-m-mom." Todd's voice was barely audible. "NOOOOO!" Todd shrieked. "I'm the worst person who ever walked the face of the earth. I am a monster! How can anyone want to hurt their own parents! I want to die! I deserve to die!" Todd began to beat his fists against the sides of his head.

Frank quickly grabbed his wrists. "No hurting yourself, Todd."

Sam jumped from his chair. He pulled Todd into a hug, startling him. Todd gasped. "No, Boomer. You're not a monster. Your parents hurt you! They deserve to be hated. They deserve to be hurt! You never deserved what was done to you, not by your parents and not by Nora. You had every right to expect your dad not to hurt you and your mom to protect you. You had every right to a defense, even if you did hurt Marty. Nora was wrong. Oh pal, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been. So much wouldn't have happened if I had been. I should be on that list Todd. You should want to hurt me, too. I let you get hurt. I didn't save you from your dad. I let you go back into that house day after day and face being tortured."

"No! No! Let go of me!" Todd pulled away from Sam so forcefully he slid off the chair. Todd pulled himself along the hallway floor until he made contact with a wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his head in them. He began to rock wildly. Todd was terrified because he realized that there were times when some of the rage he felt was directed at Sam. There were times he did want to hurt Sam.

Sam was horrified by Todd's reaction to him. "Boomer," he whispered. Tears fell down Sam's cheeks. He went back to his seat. 'No matter what I do I hurt him,' Sam thought to himself

Todd heard the laughter. "He's right, Todd. Some of that famous rage you feel is for Sam, isn't it? You want to hurt him, don't you? Don't worry. He's on my list, Todd. I'll hurt him for you. I told you. I'll hurt everyone you ever cared about. I already hurt your precious Delgado. Maybe they are lying to you? Maybe she's not really okay? You're not man enough to find out. You couldn't even walk out of here when they were giving you the fucking key to freedom. T�a needs a man, Todd. Maybe I'll go show her what a man is like and then finish the job I started on her?" Saber taunted Todd.

"DON'T YOU GO NEAR HER!" Todd shouted. Todd put his hands up over his ears. They realized he was hearing Saber or another voice or voices.

Susannah knelt down to where Todd sat huddled against the wall. She placed her hands on top of his, as he continued to press his palms into his ears. Susannah gently pulled his hands away from his ears. She placed her hands on either side of his head and held him so he couldn't bury his head. "Listen to my voice, Todd. Focus on my voice and not on any other voice. You're safe. Todd, you're safe." Todd's breathing was still erratic. "Focus on my voice, Todd," Susannah instructed. "We won't let anyone hurt you or anyone else. You were able to say what you felt and that was very, very brave. You are a courageous young man. If the voice is telling you you're not, it's lying to you. You were able to say whom you were angry with and nothing bad happened. You weren't hurt and neither was anyone else. You said it, Todd. You said it and the world didn't come to an end. We kept you safe. We kept everyone safe. Listen to my voice." Todd's breathing began to stabilize. His trembling slowed down. "Nothing bad happened," Susannah repeated. "You and everyone else are safe."

Todd leaned into Susannah. She wrapped her arms around him and gently rocked him. "You did it, honey. I'm so proud of you. Everyone here is so proud of you. You're strong, Todd. You're very strong."

"I wanna see Delgado," Todd whimpered.

"You can see her. We said we'd let you see her. You're staying safe. You didn't hurt yourself or anyone else. You kept yourself safe. You can see her." Susannah still did not feel he was ready to leave the unit. She had hoped he would change his mind. Nevertheless, she would not break a promise to a patient and violate his trust. As long as Todd was holding it together, she would follow through on the promise Sam twisted her arm to make. Also, while Susannah did not believe Todd was ready for this, she did not want him to fear leaving the unit. She knew it was common for patients who have been hospitalized, especially for long-term hospitalization, to fear leaving. She wanted Todd to start working on those problems now. She did not want him to give up the dream of getting his life back, outside the hospital walls.

"Nothing bad will happen if I go through the doors?" Todd asked in a childlike way.

"Nothing bad will happen." Susannah knew he didn't trust himself or the world around him. He realized he was not yet able to always keep himself safe or keep himself from acting out against others. She understood he was asking for them to help him keep control. "We won't let anyone hurt you and we won't let you hurt anyone. It's safe to go through the doors if you still want to."

Todd hesitated. He looked like there was something else he wanted to say or ask. Susannah thought she knew what it was. "Todd, you look like there is still something bothering you. Is there something else you'd like to talk about?"

They all waited silently for a few more minutes to give Todd a chance to gather the strength to talk about what was bothering him and to organize his thoughts.

Todd hung his head. "Can you make sure they don't come out?"

"Who are they?" Susannah pressed.

Todd nervously ran his fingers through his hair again. "You know! Those people who run around in my head . . . those kids . . . the ones who like T�a so much. I don't want them to make me look stupid and crazy."

"I can't promise you that you won't dissociate," Susannah admitted gently.

"Dissociate?" Todd was puzzled. Susannah had told Todd what that meant, but he had forgotten or buried it again.

"I can't stop you from going inside, honey."

"I hate me!" Todd cried out. "I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of T�a and God knows who else. I'm such a loser!"

"Todd, I can't promise you won't go inside, but you were able to stay with us while we discussed a lot of very painful things. You're getting stronger, honey. I know it may not seem that way to you. You are. You are able to keep from going inside more and more every day. Eventually we will help you learn to get much more control over this." Todd's head still hung in shame. Susannah gently lifted his face by his chin. "You don't have to worry about Tom or Timmy hurting T�a. If they come out, I promise you they will not hurt her and they will not make a fool of you. I promise," Susannah repeated firmly. "Okay?" she asked as she stroked his head with her other hand.

"Whatever," Todd mumbled. "I want to make sure Delgado is really okay. I want her to know I'm sorry. I don't want her to be scared." Todd paused again. "Will you help me if I get scared?" His tone was childlike.

Susannah and the staff knew moments of regression were to be expected. Todd had never had anyone to meet his dependency needs before. Very slowly and very surely, the damage that never getting these needs met had done to Todd's maturation was being healed by the love and caring Susannah and the staff showed to Todd and even more so by the attention, love, care and devotion of Todd's loved one�s. Before Todd could truly act like an adult, he needed to get the nurturing he missed out on. Todd himself needed it, in addition to the intense need the child alters had for it. Once the alters became a part of Todd again, the nurturing given to them would blend with the nurturing given to Todd. The problem was, Todd made it much more difficult to nurture him than the children did. He could neither feel nor accept love and care as easily or freely as they could. Todd was no different from any baby primate or even dogs, cats and most other living creatures. When their needs are not met, there is a good chance they will exhibit symptoms of depression, psychoses and even what can be considered a form of dissociation. The gaps left have to be filled as best as possible. In some cases, no amount of love and care given can fill the gaps and complete the person. The damage is too deep. Susannah hoped that while Todd's damage was as deep as it gets, he would be one of the exceptions.

"Yes. I'll be there with you every step of the way and so will Frank, Jeff and Sam." Susannah answered in response to Todd's question about being scared.

Todd nodded. His body relaxed. He rested his head on Susannah's shoulder and snuggled into her.

Inside, Goodone smiled sadly. As he had promised, Goodone was watching over Todd. His arms ached with longing. He wanted to hold Todd and feel Todd snuggle up to him. However, he knew what was best for Todd was to begin to feel these things with those in the outside world. Goodone kept quiet and stood back. He allowed Todd to feel all of the comfort and safety he was feeling with Susannah. Goodone's eyes shone with love for Todd and pride in him.

Sam had hoped, at the mention of his name, Todd would have called to him and asked him to help him if he became scared. He wondered if Todd even remembered that he was the one who got them to allow him to see T�a. Sam wasn't looking for gratitude. He wanted Todd to know he loved him. He wanted Todd to believe in his love and to feel it.

"Would you like us to help you stand up now?" Susannah asked as she rubbed Todd's back. She kept one arm around his shoulder as she continued to hug him to her.

Todd nodded.

"Todd, I'm going to hold onto your left arm," Jeff let him know so he wouldn't be startled.

Susannah continued to hold onto his right arm.

"Okay, buddy. Up you go," Jeff announced as he and Susannah assisted Todd in standing up.

"We're going to walk back to the doors that lead off the unit. If you want to stop just let us know and we'll stop. No one will force you to do anything. Okay?" Susannah assured him.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

Todd brushed his hair back with his hands. He straightened his pants and shirt. "Yeah. I'm ready. I want to go to Delgado."

Once again they headed for the doors.

****************************************************

"Starr, you are going to be late for school. You can wear a different barrette in your hair. I'll look for that one after you've left and you can wear it tomorrow." Blair looked at her watch again. She knew the school bus would be in front of the building soon. Blair didn't have the time to drive Starr to school if she missed the bus. Blair was expecting Dorian at any minute and then she had an appointment with Matthew Allen. She had all her evidence and hopefully a list of doctors and nurses that Dorian was going to supply. Also, she wanted to fill her attorney in on the latest developments with Sam. She wanted to let him know that Sam Rappaport might not be as much of a problem as they feared. Blair knew this would be her last chance to meet with Matthew for at least a couple of weeks. He told her he had to be in court right after their meeting and that he was leaving for a vacation right after that.

"No, mommy! Daddy gave me that barrette! I'm not going to school without it!" Starr stamped her foot, stuck out her little chin and crossed her arms in defiance.

More and more these days, Blair noticed Starr was acting out. She was having temper tantrums and being defiant. Starr's teacher had asked Blair to come in for a meeting the week before last. She said that Starr's grades had fallen some and she was starting fights with some of the other children. While the teacher had no proof of it, another little girl accused Starr of stealing a special pen she had that her father had given her. Blair was worried sick over her little girl. She knew every day Todd was in the hospital and away from Starr, her child was getting angrier and angrier. Blair had explained the situation to Starr's teacher. She was sympathetic, but her concern had to be for the class as a whole and Starr was becoming disruptive.

"Starr, Auntie Dorian will be here any minute and she and mommy have some very important business to talk about and then mommy has a very important appointment. I don't have time to drive you to school." Blair tried to reason with her daughter.

"I don't care about your stupid appointment. I want the barrette that daddy gave me! It was here and now it's lost and I'll never see it again!" Starr started to cry.

Blair took Starr in her arms. "I'm sorry. Starr . . . sweetie . . . shhhh. I know it's very important to you because daddy gave it to you. Everything daddy ever gave me is very important to me, too. Baby, I promise you we'll find it." Blair heard the downstairs buzzer. The doorman was ringing to let her know she had a guest.

"God! Dorian must be early," Blair mumbled to herself. Blair gently pulled Starr away from her so she could look into Starr's eyes. 'They are so much like Todd's eyes . . . no, more like Timmy's eyes' Blair thought to herself. "Starr, mommy has to go tell Tony that it's okay to let Auntie Dorian up. Why don't you keep looking for your barrette for just a little longer while Auntie Dorian and I talk? Then you have to get to that bus. Please baby, I promise. If you don't find it before you go to school I will look all over the house for it when I come home from my appointment. I'll tear the house apart looking for it if I have to."

"All right," Starr agreed sadly and begrudgingly.

Blair headed downstairs.

"What took you so long? That doorman was starting to think you weren't home?" Dorian asked the second she walked through the door.

"Starr was upset because she can't find a barrette Todd gave her. She's very protective over everything and anything that is connected to Todd." Blair sighed. "Oh, Dorian. This is so hard on her. She loves Todd so much. I know she loves me, but she has such a special relationship with him. He is the one who raised her most of her life."

"Only because he and that baby and husband-stealing bitch he's married to took Starr from you."

"That's not the point right now, Dorian! The point is that Todd was the one to raise Starr. She's her daddy's girl. She and Todd have a connection that she and I don't . . ."

"Blair! That's not true at all. You and Starr have a very specia . . ."

"Dorian, I'm not telling you this so you can tell me what a great mom I am. The truth is the truth. Starr wants to be with Todd. She hasn't seen him in months and no matter how much she is able to intellectually understand that he is sick and that is why he can't be with her, her little heart is breaking. She thinks she lost her daddy forever. And, as much as I hate to admit it, she does miss T�a and Viki. She was very happy when T�a came to see her, a few weeks ago. Oh look, I don't have time to get into all of this right now. I have an appointment with Mr. Allen in less than an hour. He's going on vacation and I can't wait another two weeks to hear his opinion on all that has happened. I know he won't wait around if I'm late. I want to show him the rest of the pictures I have of Kevin and T�a and I want to fill him in on Sam's . . ." Blair tried to think how to best phrase it. "Sam's new attitude."

"Sam's new attitude!" Dorian looked as if Blair had to be kidding. "That man is a basket case. Oh, I'm sure having to deal with Viki did this to him. You tell your attorney that he has nothing to fear from Sam Rappaport."

"Don't be so sure, Dorian. Don't underestimate Sam. He may be confused, but he loves Todd with all his heart. He'd die for Todd. I have to keep making sure that Sam stays on my side. I have to make sure he sees that what I want for Todd is best. Now did you get that list of doctors, nurses, technicians, medical supplies, and medical equipment suppliers?"

Tears of frustration streamed down Starr's little cheeks. She held Fred the Frog in her hand. "Fred. Tell daddy I didn't lose his present on purpose. Daddy's sick and I don't want to upset him." Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Starr saw something sparkling stuck to the edge of one of the blankets on her bed. She rushed over and saw it was the small diamonds on the barrette that Todd had given her. Starr realized it must have come loose from her hair at some point and caught onto the blanket. She freed it and clutched it to her chest. "Daddy, I found it! I found it!" Starr kissed it gently. She walked to the mirror above her dresser. She pulled back some strands of her hair and put the barrette in its place. "Fred, maybe daddy won't be lost forever either," Starr hopefully told her frog.

Starr heard her mother and Dorian's voices. She couldn't make out what they were saying. She hated that Blair always sent her from the room when she would talk to Dorian. "I'm not a baby! I know they're talking about daddy," Starr complained to Fred. Usually Blair was on the lookout and made sure Starr stayed in her room when she and Dorian spoke at the penthouse. Most of the time Blair went to Dorian's to make sure Starr would not hear their conversation, but on days like today, when time was short, Dorian would come to the penthouse.

Today Blair's mind was on a million different things. Neither she nor Dorian noticed Starr tiptoe to the top of the stairs and eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Dorian, are you 100 percent positive that these are the very best doctors and nurses there are. I want only the best for Todd."

"I know that. Blair, trust me. These are the kind of medical people who will help Todd the most. I made sure of that." Dorian did not want to tell Blair that, even though she cared very much about Todd and deeply about Timmy, her first priority was keeping Blair and Starr safe, if by some chance Blair did manage to bring Todd home. The staff on Dorian�s list was from state run mental hospitals and units where they kept mentally ill prisoners. Dorian's first questions to them were about controlling Todd should he become violent and not about their medical expertise or if they had any experience working with DID patients and child alters. Both the men and women on Dorian's list were physically large and strong, like most of the psych techs that currently worked with Todd. While this staff shared size in common with Frank, Dave, Carl, Jeff, Dan and some of the others, they did not share expert training, education, caring or gentleness.

Starr wondered if her daddy was getting some new doctors. While Blair had mentioned it to her causally, she did not tell Starr she really had hopes of bringing Todd home. She did not want to get Starr's hopes up, only to have them crushed.

"Thank you, Dorian," Blair said as she took the list, folded it and placed it in her purse.

"If you have a few more minutes, I have some news." Dorian had been bursting to tell Blair what she found out.

"Dorian, I really don't. I have to get myself and Starr ready to leave."

"It's about Todd," Dorian informed her.

"Todd! What about Todd? Oh my God! Has something else happened to him?"

Starr clutched the banister tightly. Her little heart was pounding as she listened to her mother and Dorian. She bit her lip to keep from crying out and making her presence known. She was terrified that Dorian was going to say her daddy had died.

"No. Blair, calm down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frightened you. No, as far as I know Todd is fine. It's T�a. She was brought into the ER and then taken to the ICU last night. It seems that she fell and sustained quite a serious head injury . . . a subdural hematoma. For a while there they thought she was going to need surgery."

'Tee! Tee's hurt!' Starr thought and panicked 'Oh not Tee too.' Big tears made their way down Starr's soft cheeks.

"How did you find out?" Blair asked Dorian. She was shocked.

"I still have some connections at Llanview Hospital. Thank God Susannah Hanen is only in charge of Todd's unit. She wouldn't tell us the time of day without Queen Victoria's consent."

Blair was almost afraid to ask this. "How did T�a get hurt?"

"She was arguing with Todd. I don't have all the details. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know if he pushed her or what?"

'No! No! Auntie Dorian's lying! Daddy wouldn't hurt Tee. Daddy wouldn't push Tee and make her fall down,' Starr thought frantically.

"Is Todd all right! Oh my God! He thinks he loves that woman. If he thinks he hurt her it could set him back to . . . oh my God! Tell me! Is Todd all right?"

Blair's words, and the fear in her voice as she spoke them, terrified Starr.

"Blair, I'm sorry. I have no information on Todd. As I said, no one is forthcoming on Todd's unit. They all take patient confidentiality to the extreme. No word on Todd ever leaves that unit unless they feel there is some medical necessity . . . some reason to tell us that will benefit Todd."

Blair was torn. She desperately wanted to go see Todd, but she did not want to miss the chance to see her attorney. Then a horrifying thought occurred to Blair. "Dorian! What if this is some plot concocted by Kevin and T�a? What if they staged this to make sure Todd never gets out of the hospital? You know how much Kevin hates Todd. I know what T�a is capable of. Look at how she purposely pushed all my buttons until she had me so upset that I accidentally pushed her out that window. She never thought that would happen. Maybe she did the same to Todd? Maybe she kept at him, never thinking she'd really get hurt?"

'Mommy pushed Tee out a window?' Starr's mind was spinning. She was far too young to actually remember this event. 'But Tee said Kevin likes daddy now and that he wasn't being mean to him anymore. Now mommy said Kevin hates daddy. If Kevin hates daddy then I hate Kevin!' Starr tried to make sense out of some of the other things Blair said. 'Tee would never hurt daddy on purpose and daddy would never hurt Tee. Would they?' Starr's young mind was filled with fear and confusion. Starr looked at her watch. She knew Blair would be coming for her at any minute to take her to the bus. Starr quickly gathered her school bag and jacket. She went to her sock draw and took the money she had stashed away from her allowance. She kept it taped to the back of the draw. She looked down at the assortment of singles, fives and a few tens. She hoped it would be enough money for a taxi. Starr quickly shook out some coins from her piggy bank. Starr was smart enough to realize that a cab might not stop for a kid, so she was prepared to take public transit if she had to.

Starr had been to Llanview Hospital often. She went there for the checkups and blood work she needed because of the aplastic anemia and bone marrow transplant she had as a baby. Although she had always gone by car, she knew the way. If she had to, she could walk. Starr figured her mother was eager to talk to Dorian without her being there and even more eager to leave for her appointment. Like her daddy, Starr was willing to take risks.

"Mommy," Starr called out loudly as she came down the stairs. She wanted to make sure Blair and her aunt didn't think she had been listening to them. "Look!" Starr pointed to her hair. "I found the barrette daddy gave me."

Blair smiled. "I'm so happy baby. I know how much that means to you. Mommy will take you down to the bus in two minutes. Just let me get my bag and . . ."

"Starr, aren't you going to give your Auntie Dorian a big hug and a kiss?" Dorian prompted the child.

Starr reached up and hugged Dorian and kissed her on the cheek. She hid the anger she was feeling. She was furious with Dorian for telling lies about her daddy and Tee. "Mommy, the bus is here. I saw it coming down the block from my window. I have to leave now. You don't have to come with me. I can get on it by myself."

"Starr Manning. I will not have you standing out on the street all by yourself. It's not safe for a little girl to be out all by herself."

Starr hated that her mother thought of her as a baby. She was not about to argue that point now. "Mommy, the doorman can wait with me. Tony's nice. He won't let anything bad happen to me."

Blair did trust Tony. He was a sweet grandfatherly man who had been a doorman in that building ever since Todd bought the penthouse. Blair did want to ask Dorian a few more questions and then leave for her appointment with Matthew. "All right. We can do that. Let me call down to Tony and tell him he needs to see to it that you get on the bus."

"I'll do it, mommy," Starr offered. Before Blair had a chance to respond, Starr pulled a chair over to the intercom that connected to the lobby. Starr climbed up on the chair and took the phone off the hook. She turned her back to Blair and she made sure her small body was in a position that would block Blair and Dorian's view of the button that alerted the doorman, with a buzz, to pick up the house phone. Starr only pretended to press the button. "Tony, mommy said it's okay for me to wait for the bus and get on it without her if you stand and wait with me until I'm safe on the bus. Okay, thanks. I'll be right down." Starr hopped off the chair and turned back to Blair. "It's okay with Tony, mommy. He'll make sure I get on the bus safe." Starr quickly grabbed her backpack and kissed Blair on the cheek and before Blair could say another word Starr was out the door.

Starr knew if she went out the main entrance Tony would question her and probably call upstairs to check with her mom to see if it was okay for her to go out by herself. Starr took the service elevator to the basement and snuck out the back way. Starr was frightened and excited all at the same time. "I'm gonna get to see daddy! I'm really gonna get to see daddy and I'll get to see Tee again, too," Starr said to herself, once she was on the street. Starr realized she didn't know what room or floor her daddy was on. "ICU. Auntie Dorian said Tee is in some place called ICU. I'll find Tee first. Tee knows where daddy is. She'll help me find him."

*************************************************************

Todd held on tightly to Susannah and Frank as he heard the click Jeff's key made when it unlocked the doors to the place Todd had considered a prison and a sanctuary all these months. Todd had no memory of leaving to go to the lodge. Todd also had no concept of just how long he had been on the unit. He thought it was, at most, a couple of months. Todd felt the air around him change as the doors were opened.

"Todd, the doors are opened. We're going to step out into the hallway. Is that okay? You can still change your mind and go back to your room or to the dayroom. We can call T�a on the phone, later, when she is in her own room." Susannah gave him that option.

Todd paused for a moment. A part of him wanted to run back in, crawl into his bed, pull up the covers and never leave. Another part of him wanted to go inside and be with his papa and never have to think about how he got T�a hurt and all the things they made him think about and talk about. The part of Todd that would not believe T�a was all right unless he actually got to hear her voice and feel her next to him won out. At this moment it overpowered the other parts. "No, I want to see Delgado. Please. Sam, are you here?"

"Yes, I'm right here. Todd, I'm right by your side. I'm here for you." Sam snapped out of the daze he was in the second he heard Todd call his name.

"I wanna see Delgado. It's my right to see her. Tell them, Sam."

"Todd, we're not trying to keep you from seeing T�a. We just want to make sure that you think you can handle it," Susannah assured him.

"Don't worry, pal. If you want to, you're going to get to see your wife."

"I want to," Todd said softly.

"Okay then. Here we go. Todd, we're going to walk straight ahead for about thirty feet and then turn right to get to the elevator," Frank let Todd know.

"Doctor Hanen?"

"Yes, Todd," Susannah held up her hand to let them know they were stopping again.

Jeff allowed the door to close again.

"You won't let me hurt anyone and you won't let anyone hurt me, right?"

"That's right. No one will get hurt. We're going to stay very close to you. You and everyone will be okay," Susannah assured again.

"Will there be a lot of people in the elevator?" Todd asked timidly.

"No, it's a special transport elevator that's only used for patients and medical personnel," Frank explained.

"Will there be other crazy people on the elevator?" Todd wanted to know.

"It's unlikely, but there can be other patients from other psychiatric units on the elevator." Susannah was honest with him. She then added. "Todd, you are not crazy. Other patients here are ill, the same as you are. Todd," Susannah began to pose a question to him, "are you afraid to be around other psychiatric patients?"

Todd thought for a moment. "I don't like being around crazy people. They creep me out." Todd laughed sardonically. "I guess that's why I don't like to be around me either."

"What is it about mentally ill people that frightens you?" Susannah pressed.

"I don't know! Todd thought for a few moments. "You never know what they're gonna do and I don't know what to say to them and sometimes they look weird." Todd's face blushed red. "Do I look weird? Do I look crazy?"

"No, Boomer. I told you. You look fine."

Todd brushed his hand over his hair. As he lowered it, his hand brushed against the feeding tube. He had forgotten all about it. He lightly brushed his fingers over it. Susannah and the staff stood poised to stop him if he attempted to pull it out. He didn't. He took his hand away and sadly proclaimed, "I look like a freak. That's what T�a sees when she looks at me. That's what anyone who looks at me sees."

It had been a long time since Todd was cognizant of his appearance or even cared. Susannah and the staff knew this was an encouraging sign. "Todd, you don't look like a freak. First of all, this is a hospital. People expect to see medical equipment being used here. Second of all, it's not permanent. If you begin to eat enough to stay healthy, we can remove the feeding tube," Susannah pointed out.

Todd didn't want to talk about that. The mere thought of eating turned his stomach. He also liked having one thing in his life under his control. "It don't matter. I'm funny looking anyway. I've always been, so what's one more thing." Todd touched the scar on his right cheek. "Two more things I guess," he mumbled.

"That's not true. You are a very handsome young man," Susannah stated firmly.

"You don't have to lie to me to make me feel good. Anyway, who cares! My mom was beautiful and my dad hated her, too. I don't want to talk anymore. I want to get to Delgado." Todd felt his own anxiety increasing the more leaving the unit was put off. He wanted to step through those doors and get it over with. He prayed he'd stop feeling so scared once he was actually through those doors.

Todd heard a key turn the lock again. As before, the open door created a small breeze. Todd shivered.

"Would you like me to go get your robe or a blanket for you?" Frank offered. He saw how cold Todd was.

Todd wanted a blanket or his robe. However, he didn't want anyone to see him holding a blanket around himself or walking around in a robe like "a patient." Todd shook his head. "Um . . . no. I'll go like this," Todd answered.

"Todd, can you hold on for just a couple of minutes. I'll be right back," Frank asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," Todd murmured.

Frank whispered to Susannah and rushed off to the staff lounge. He kept a zippered sweatshirt there in case he needed to run out on a quick errand. Although it was spring, the temperatures were still chilly. Frank grabbed it and rushed back to Todd.

"Hey, buddy. I have a heavy sweat jacket here. It even matches the sweats you're wearing. Would you like to put it on?"

Todd hesitated for a second and then nodded in agreement. The jacket was way too big on him. Nevertheless, it was warm and soft and Todd wrapped it tightly around himself. It smelled slightly of Frank's aftershave. Todd liked that. He liked Frank and wanted to feel close to him, but he was afraid that Frank was only nice to him because he was being paid to be. "Thanks, Frank," Todd said softly.

One more time, the door was unlocked. "You okay, Boomer?" Sam asked. Todd nodded. "Do you want me to hold on to one of your arms and help guide you?" Sam offered, hoping Todd would say yes.

"Frank and Doctor Hanen can do it," Todd responded.

Sam swallowed hard. "Sure, pal. Okay. I'll be right there walking along side you if you need me," Sam let him know and stepped aside. Susannah saw how dejected Sam looked. Her heart broke for him.

"Okay, buddy. Here we go," Frank stated.

Todd took a deep breath. This time he made it out into the hallway. His heart was pounding so loudly Susannah and Frank heard it. They hoped he would not experience another anxiety attack.

"We're going to walk down the hallway," Frank informed Todd.

Todd nodded silently. Todd pushed all thoughts of hurting himself or others from his mind. He also pushed away thoughts about the alters looking or acting crazy in front of T�a and anyone else who was there and anything else he had been afraid of. Todd knew he'd never make it if he didn't numb himself to his fears. All he kept thinking was . . . 'I've got to get to Delgado . . . I've got to get to Delgado.'

***************************************************

"This is ridiculous. I'm fine! I don't need to be here in the ICU. Let me go to a regular room and then you can run all the tests you want," T�a tried to reason with one of the ICU nurses. T�a had been trying to rest and was only getting more and more agitated.

"Mrs. Manning, the doctors will be here to check you out in a little while. I understand you want to get out of here but please try to be patient. You are not doing yourself any good by staying this upset and you should be resting your throat."

"T�a, come on. The nurse is right. If you make yourself worse, you'll only end up being kept here longer," Kevin tried to reason with her.

"T�a, honey, why don't I get your brother and grandmother to come in here and visit with you for a while," Viki suggested. Viki turned to Kevin. "Kevin, go see if T�a's grandmother is awake and . . ."

"Wait! Kevin, I don't want you to go get them," T�a called to him. "I want you to go see if Todd is all right. You don't have to let him know you're there. Just go to his unit. If he or any of the alters are upset because of what happened I want you to let me know. There is no reason they can't get a wheelchair for me and get me to the nurses' station so I can make a damn phone call!" T�a said the last few words loudly to make sure the ICU staff heard her. Speaking that loudly made her throat hurt, a lot.

Viki and Kevin exchanged looks. They knew T�a was very upset and worried over Todd, but her mood seemed a little more volatile than usual. They wondered if it was because of her head injury. Viki nodded to Kevin.

"Okay, okay! I'll go to seven and see how Todd is and come back and give you a full report if you promise me you'll try to calm down and stop giving everyone such a hard time. The staff here is only trying to make sure they do right by you," Kevin pointed out.

T�a took a deep breath. "All right. If Todd is out and he can talk to you, you tell him I'm fine. Tell him I don't blame him and that it's not his fault." T�a's voice became softer. "Tell him I love him."

"I will. I promise. I expect you to keep your promise, too. Rest!" Kevin ordered firmly and headed out of the ICU.

"Honey, while you're waiting for Kevin to come back, would you like to see your grandmother and Del?" Viki asked.

"Not yet. Viki, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I don't want them to see me this upset, especially Abuela. I hope she's still sleeping. She and Del shouldn't have come all the way from New York."

"They love you, T�a. They're your family. Of course they'll rush to you if they hear you've been hurt."

T�a nodded. "I know. I'm worried about Abuela. She hasn't been well and Del has his job . . . well, they're here now. I just don't want to get Abuela even more worried than she is," T�a sighed. "I'll see her and Del in a little while, after I find out how Todd is."

"Sure, sweetie. My guess is that when you grandmother wakes up Del will want to take her to get something to eat anyway," Viki stated.

T�a laughed. "If I know my Abuela, she will take one look at the food here and call Carlotta's to get some real food."

"Let's hope she orders enough for all of us," Viki laughed with her.

"Ah, Viki. Thank you for staying here with me. It would be horrible to be here without you."

Viki hugged T�a. "Honey. I love you. I love you like a daughter. My goodness, you have almost as much trouble believing that as Todd does."

T�a was shocked when she realized what Viki said was so true. T�a's eyes welled up with tears. "I guess Todd and I have a hard time believing we deserve a mother's love."

Viki turned T�a's face to her. "Oh T�a, Todd has found himself in you, hasn't he? You are both very deserving of love; a mother's love and each other's. Now all we have to do is get you both to believe it." Viki kissed T�a gently, on the forehead.

****************************************************

T�a's grandmother opened her eyes. For the moment she was confused as to where she was. Her stiff joints quickly reminded her she was not in her own bed. She slowly moved into an upright position. "C�mo es mi T�a?"

"T�a es buena. Mucho mejor. Viki y Kevin est�n con ella. Don't worry. She's okay." Just as Del reassured T�a's grandmother that T�a was doing better and Kevin and Viki were with her, Kevin came out of the ICU and passed the lounge where they were sitting.

Seeing they were both awake, Kevin immediately approached them. "Hi, how are both of you holding up?"

"How is my granddaughter?" T�a's grandmother asked. She was not in the mood for small talk.

"T�a is doing great! She's remained conscious and then some," Kevin said and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Del asked. He sounded annoyed.

"T�a is giving the staff a hard time. She wants to get out of there and call Todd. She's afraid he's blaming himself for what happened."

"Maybe he should!" Del said angrily.

"No, he shouldn't!" Now it was Kevin's turn to be angry. "I was there. It was an accident. T�a pulled away and fell. Todd did nothing to her."

"We know Todd loves T�a very much. Del meant no harm. He is very protective of his little sister," T�a's grandmother did not want an argument to start.

"Yeah, okay. I know how it is. I have a little sister, too." Kevin's tone lowered as he calmed down. "Look, man. Honestly. Todd did not hurt T�a. It was an accident. He has been torturing himself since this happened because she got hurt."

"Sorry. It's true. I'm very protective over T�a," Del confirmed.

Kevin was about to say something when he saw people approaching out of the corner of his eye. His mouth dropped open when he turned and saw Todd walk in with Susannah and Frank holding onto each of his arms as they guided him along. Sam, Jeff and Dan trailed closely behind. Del and T�a's grandmother also turned in Todd's direction. T�a's grandmother and Del were not only shocked to see Todd, they were shocked by his appearance. Even though Todd had gained back some of the weight he'd lost and got a tiny bit of his color back, he was still incredibly thin and pale. Kevin quickly put his finger to his lips to let them know to stay quiet. He didn't know how Todd would react to them. Kevin quietly walked toward Todd. He looked to Susannah for direction.

Susannah knew Todd was holding on, but that he could easily lose it. By the time they had gotten Todd to the elevator he was trembling slightly. Sam had begun to think he used very bad judgment when he insisted they allow Todd to see T�a. Todd had jumped when he heard the elevator doors open. "Take it easy, buddy. It's only the elevator," Frank had soothed. The patient transport elevators were the only ones that had an operator. Susannah, the staff and Sam were all relieved to see he was the only one on the elevator.

"Todd, no one is on the elevator except the operator," Susannah told him. Todd didn't respond. He just pulled Frank's jacket around him more tightly. When they stepped on the elevator Todd stood with his head down. He didn't make a sound.

"Three please," Jeff said to the operator.

When the doors opened on three, Todd shuddered. "Doctor Hanen," Todd called out.

"Yes, hon. I�m right here."

"Nothing," Todd mumbled.

Susannah knew, despite the fact that she had not let go of his arm since they left the psych unit, Todd still needed to hear her voice to confirm she hadn't abandoned him.

"We still need to walk down one more short corridor and make a right turn then we'll be in the area where the ICU is," Frank informed Todd. Then he asked, "how you doin', Todd?"

"Okay," Todd had murmured.

"Do you have any shortness of breath?" Susannah asked. She knew Todd's body wasn't up to all this walking. She would have liked to have had him use a wheelchair, but she guessed how he would have reacted to that suggestion. As it was, they had walked very slowly down each corridor.

"Not much," Todd had replied to the question about his breath.

Susannah wasn't surprised he had some. It was to be expected. She could see it wasn't severe or she would have stopped and allowed him to rest. They had all continued on to the ICU. It was then they saw T�a's family and Kevin.

"Todd, Kevin is here. Would you like to speak with him before you go in to see T�a?" Susannah asked.

"Kevin?" Todd called out nervously, in a low voice.

"I'm right here, Todd." Kevin stepped closer to him.

"Is Delgado really still alive?"

Del and T�a's grandmother were shocked to hear Todd ask that and even more shocked by the pain in his voice and on his face.

"She's fine, Todd. The only thing wrong with T�a is that she's trying to get them to let her leave so she can call or see you."

"Me?" Todd was clearly surprised. Then he looked like he figured it out. "She's mad at me for getting her hurt. She hates me. She wants to tell me that."

"No. You've got it all wrong, Todd. T�a is afraid you are doing just what you're doing . . . blaming yourself. She wants to get to you to tell you it's not your fault."

Todd didn't respond. He was confused. He thought T�a should be blaming him. "She really wants to see me?" Todd asked wistfully.

"Yes! I know you can't see, but you can still hear can't you?" Kevin said this more because he knew Todd expected such a remark out of him.

"Shut up! Yes, I can hear. I just want to be sure. I figured by now you had plenty of time to bad mouth me to her," Todd responded. Susannah and her staff could tell Todd was not really angry with Kevin. He liked that Kevin wasn't treating him like he would break.

"Nope, not this time. I figure T�a's got enough of a headache without my talking about you to her," Kevin stated. He did not let the pang he felt in his heart at the sight of Todd, standing there holding Frank's jacket wrapped tightly around him, as if he were holding himself together, allow him to show Todd all the compassion he felt for him. He knew Todd could not handle that.

"Where's Viki?" Todd asked.

"She's in with T�a. She hasn't left T�a's side," Kevin informed him.

"Good. Viki's a good mom. T�a needs a mom."

"Todd, do you want to go in to see T�a now?" Susannah asked gently.

Todd felt a lump in his stomach and throat. Now that he was so close, he became anxious again. "Yeah," he answered simply.

"Kevin, how long ago were you in with T�a?" Susannah asked.

"Just a few minutes ago," Kevin replied.

"Were they running any tests on her or doing any procedures on her when you left?" Susannah wanted to make sure it was a good time to take Todd in to see her.

"No, they are giving her a while before they do the neuro exam and before they take her for another CT scan," Kevin stated.

"Why are they doing that to her? You lied to me, Buchanan! She's hurt worse than you said," Todd accused Kevin.

"Those are standard tests after a head injury. They do that to every patient. They want to make sure T�a is okay before they move her to a regular room," Susannah explained.

Todd thought about it for a moment. "Okay. I just don't want nobody lying to me about Delgado's condition," Todd stated firmly.

"No one is, pal. I promise. We'll all tell you the truth." Sam swore to him.

Todd took a deep breath. "I wanna see Delgado," Todd declared. His voice trembled with emotion.

**************************************************

"Honey, they said it was all right for you to have a little water. Would you like some?" Viki asked T�a.

"No, thank you. Viki, maybe you should go back to seven. This is the longest you've been away from Todd in months. You know how upset he gets when you're not around." T�a could not get her mind off of Todd. She was so afraid this would set him back drastically.

"No, Todd made it very clear that he wants us to stay with you. It puts his mind at ease to know that Kevin and I are with you. Actually, he wanted Sam to be here, too. I hope he's all right."

"It's all right if you want to go find Sam. I'll be okay."

Viki smiled at T�a. "No, honey. I'm not only here because Todd wants me to be. I'm here because I want to be here with you."

T�a smiled and squeezed Viki's hand.

A nurse came over to do vitals on T�a. "You�re doing fine, Mrs. Manning. "Your vitals are all within normal range."

"Thank you. Now can I get out of here?" T�a pressed.

"Mrs. Manning. Please try to relax. Doctor Marahbee is with another patient in the ER. He and Doctor Anderson should be here soon."

"AARRRGGHHH! I can't stand this waiting! I could go and see Todd and be back by the time they get here! What's wrong with you people? Can't you understand that I need to leave here to make a phone call!" T�a exclaimed angrily.

"Jesus, Delgado! You sound like me."

T�a and Viki both gasped. They were shocked to see and hear Todd as Susannah and Frank guided him into the ICU. Jeff and Dan waited right outside the door. They all prayed there would be no incident.

"Todd! My God! What are you doing here?" T�a was flabbergasted.

"You mean how come they let me out?" Todd asked in a half-joking manner. He was so relived to hear T�a . . . well enough to be giving everyone a hard time . . . that he was on an emotional high.

Viki approached him. She looked at Susannah. Her eyes were questioning. She was very happy to see Todd here, but terrified for him to be away from the safety of the unit. "Sweetheart. I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you. Are you feeling all right?"

"I have a legal right to be here. Sam said I have a legal right to be here. He's right outside. You can ask him!" Todd was afraid she'd want him to go back to his own unit.

Viki got the picture of what had transpired and she was shocked that Sam would take it upon himself to tie Susannah's hands that way without discussing it with her first. Then she imagined how Todd must have been begging to see his T�a. Viki realized Sam tried to do what he thought best for Todd. Still, she felt a fleeting moment of concern over giving Sam the right to make decisions for Todd.

"T�a's much better. We're just waiting for her doctors to come and give her another neurological exam and then she'll have to go for another CT scan. Just as a precaution," Viki added. She didn't want to frighten Todd.

"I know. Kevin told me." Todd turned in Frank's direction. "I want to go over to where T�a is."

"Sure, buddy," Frank said. He and Susannah walked Todd over to T�a's bedside. They sat him in the chair that Viki had pulled next to T�a's bed.

"Sweetheart, I'll be right outside with Sam. I'm sure you want some time alone with T�a," Viki stated. She waited to see if he wanted her to stay with him.

"Thanks," was Todd's only comment.

Todd reached out and felt that Susannah and Frank were standing on either side of his chair. "What part of alone don't you get! Can we have some privacy!" Todd asked sharply.

"Todd, two of us have to stay in the room with you. We will move away from the bed so you and T�a can talk," Susannah told him calmly. She hoped this would not set him off.

"Whatever!" Todd muttered. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, he was relieved that they were there to keep him and T�a safe.

They all felt relief that, while he didn't like it, he understood. Susannah and Frank moved away, but stayed within arm's reach of him.

Todd felt for T�a's bed and pulled himself and his chair a little closer to it. "Delgado, are you really all right?"

"Yes. Todd, I'm going to be fine. I just got a bump on the head."

"Some kind of . . . of . . ." Todd tried to think of what Kevin told him it was called. "Some kind of sub thing. Kevin said they thought you were going to need surgery. That's serious. They don't do that for just a bump on the head. I should know. I've had a lot of bumps on my head."

T�a smiled. "I know you have. Well, I guess we both have pretty hard heads because I didn't need surgery either."

"Yeah," Todd smiled at T�a's remark. His eyes filled with tears. "Delgado, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Todd, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't push me or cause me to be hurt in any way. It was an accident. I lost my balance and fell." T�a didn't remember it. She was going by what she had been told.

"I was trying to get away from you. I pulled away. That's why you fell! Delgado, don't you see! Oh God! Don't you see now why I didn't want you coming around here? I hurt you. That's what I do. The only way for me not to hurt you is if you're not near me."

"That's your idea of not hurting me?" T�a desperately wanted him to understand.

"That's the only way I know, Delgado. As long as I'm alive and anywhere near you, you're gonna get hurt. I don't wanna hurt you and I don't mean to hurt you, but I do. I always do." Todd started to sob. He was mortified by his inability to control his tears. He put his face in his hands and hunched over until he reached his lap.

T�a moved close to the edge of the bed. She reached out and stroked Todd's head. "Mi corazon. Don't you know the worst way you can hurt me is to cut me out of your life again?" Todd shook his head in protest without raising it from his lap. His shoulders shook as well, as he continued to sob. "Todd, when I stayed away from you . . . that was more painful than this. It was more painful than anything we'd ever been through. Not having you in my life left a void that nothing could fill . . . not work . . . not friends . . . not even family. Remember our original deal, pal? We have a contract that says I won't allow you to hurt me. Well, this time I'm holding you to the contract. I won't allow you to push me out of your life again. That would be hurting me in the worst possible way."

Todd reached up and placed his hand on top of T�a's hand as it rested on his head. He lifted his head and took T�a's hand into both of his. Her hand felt warm and soft. His were ice cold, as always. Todd ran his fingers over T�a's wedding ring. "You always saw a human being when everyone else saw a monster," Todd said softly. "What if you're wrong, Delgado? What if there is only a monster?"

"T�a reached out with her other hand and brushed his hair out of his face. "I'm not wrong. I not only see the human being. I've gotten to know him."

Todd blushed with shame. "Oh, you mean those people who run around in my head."

"No, I mean you. Even within you there are so many parts. I love each of them. I love the part of you that is unique and sees the world like no one else I have ever known. You see the absurdity of things that most of us accept and I love looking at the world through that part of you. I also love the part of you that wants, so much, to be like everyone else. You can deny it all you want, Manning. There is a big part of you that wants what most everyone else wants. You want a family, Todd. You want to belong to someone other than yourself. You want to come home and know this is the place where there are people who love you. You want to be happy. I know you think you never can be, but I also know you want it."

Todd squeezed T�a's hand. "Sometimes I remember being a kid . . . you know . . . what it felt like. I don't remember feeling all this hate and anger so much back then. It's faded . . . like an old photograph . . . it keeps fading . . . more and more . . . it gets further and further away from me . . ." Todd reached out into the air with his other hand, as if he were trying to grasp something and hold onto it.

"What is getting further away from you?" T�a asked gently.

"Me. That little boy. He was innocent. He never hurt anyone. He trusted. He loved." T�a felt hot tears from Todd's eyes splash on the back of the hand Todd still held. "He was able to feel love," Todd continued. "Before it was all ripped out of him. All of it . . . the innocence . . . the trust . . . the love."

"No, querido. It wasn't ripped out of you. It's still there. It's just buried deep inside you where it's protected from being hurt. It's there. It's waiting for the day it's safe to come out again."

Todd smiled sadly and shook his head. "No, it's gone, Delgado. I can't feel it. I can't remember the last time I was ever able to feel it."

"It's not gone. It's there, Todd. Believe me. I know it is."

"Whata you have . . . X-ray vision?"

"I don't need that. You've shown me what's inside you. You've shown me glimpses of that little boy . . . you Todd . . . not one of those people who run around in your head. You've let that part of yourself out with me . . . maybe for just a second or two, but I've seen it. "

Todd was quiet for a moment. Then his chin began to tremble and more tears fell. Todd brought T�a's hand up to his face and rested his cheek on it. "Is that what I used to see when I looked in your eyes, Delgado? Was I able to see that innocent part of me that could trust and love and feel love . . . the part I didn't hate so much? I thought he was destroyed forever. Were you able to find him and save him? I hope so, Delgado, because I can't find him anymore. I look for him, but he's lost. I think he's lost forever."

T�a brought Todd's hand to her heart. "He's not lost, mi amor. He's right here. He's safe. I'll keep him safe with me until you're ready to feel him here." T�a placed her hand on Todd's heart. "And you keep the real me safe inside you. Do you know you do that for me, Todd?"

Todd sat quietly for a few moments. He kept his hand on T�a's heart. He then placed his other hand on his own, where T�a's hand had just been. Todd felt the beat of both hearts. "They're the same," he whispered. Then he pulled his hand away sharply. "No! No, they're not the same. Yours is good! Your heart has tried to help me over and over again and what have I done! I've hurt you. I've abused you! You've tried to bring me into a world I want to get to so bad . . . I tried, Delgado. I tried to get there . . . it's . . . it's like I'm on this ladder and I'm climbing and climbing and every time . . . every single time," Todd emphasized each of the last three words, "I try, it's like the skin is coming off my hands . . . it hurts . . . it hurts so much I can't hold onto the ladder anymore and I fall back down."

T�a swung her legs over the side of the bed. The ICU staff, Susannah and Frank watched, ready to stop her if she tried to get out of bed. She didn't. T�a put her arms around Todd and pulled him to her. Todd tried to pull away. T�a held him tightly. "I won't let you fall. Stop! Don't pull away from me. You're safe, mi amor. I'll never let you fall. Don't you know this world that I'm trying to bring you into is new to me, too. I wasn't always there. You're the one who brought me there."

"Me?" Todd looked shocked. "Oh, Delgado. You got hit on the head too hard."

T�a laughed. She rocked Todd gently. "No, I knew this way before I got hit on the head. Todd, my world was filled with darkness before you. Even though I had this promising career and this nice airy apartment . . . in my heart . . . in my mind I was still living in that dark apartment without any windows."

"So I gave you a nice apartment to live in. Big deal!"

"Todd, no. Let me finish. It wasn't living in the penthouse that made the darkness go away. It was you. It no longer had to do with where I lived. My life was dark. You brought me into the light. You and Starr. You gave me windows and fresh air. You gave me a family. You gave me excitement . . . you gave me belonging and most of all you gave me love," T�a whispered softly, near Todd's ear. "Yeah, there was pain. I'm not going to say there wasn't . . . even through the pain there was light. I knew that once the pain went away, you would still be there. I knew, no matter what, you would be there. Even when you walked away from me . . . even when you pushed me away . . . I always knew you would be there. I knew you would never desert me. Todd, I wish I had done the same for you. I didn't. I walked out on you over and over again. You once said there should be a revolving door in front of the penthouse. I made you feel that you would be abandoned if the going got rough. I made you afraid to trust that I would always be there for you. I'm so sorry, querido. I know it's asking a lot when I ask you to trust me now and believe that I'll never leave you again. No matter what."

Todd let his head rest on T�a's shoulder. "I can't trust me not to hurt you. I hurt people, Delgado. Sometimes I get so mad that I want to hurt someone, but even when I don't mean to, they get hurt anyway." T�a felt Todd's arms tighten around her. "You could have died. People can die from hitting their head. A man died because I made him hit his head."

T�a kissed the top of Todd's head. "Have I ever made it easy for you to get away with anything?"

"Huh?" Todd didn't understand.

"I'm not about to die and let you get away with all the hard work you have to do to fight your way back to your life and back to your daughter and back to me." T�a whispered the last three words. "I'm going to stick around for the long haul and you're just going to have to get used to the idea that you're not getting rid of me. You can huff and puff and push me away and pull away from me and I'm still going to be there."

"I never huffed and puffed," Todd quipped.

"Oh you huffed and puffed like a pissed off wolf with a thorn in your paw. But it didn't do you any good. I'm still here."

"Yeah," Todd murmured softly. "And sometimes you were even able to take the thorn out."

T�a lifted Todd's hand. She brought it to her lips and gently kissed his palm. "I want to make everything all better for you, Todd." T�a placed his palm on her cheek. "And I want you to continue to make them all better for me."

"How?" Todd asked desperately. "I'm crazy. I'll be here for the rest of my life."

"No, you won't be. You're going to have to take my word on that. And all you have to do to continue making my life better is to just be a part of it. Don't shut me out. Let me love you."

"How come you didn't say that you want me to love you?" Todd asked shyly.

"Because I already know you love me. I know it as surely as I know my name."

"Yeah, well you got hit on the head. Maybe you don't know your own name?"

T�a laughed. "Sorry, Manning. I've got your number. In your own unique and frustrating way you've shown me and told me you love me over and over again."

"Yeah," Todd answered softly.

T�a rested her cheek on top of his head. Susannah and Frank exchanged smiles. Susannah, Frank and T�a looked up when Doctor Marahbee and Doctor Anderson entered the ICU. Todd heard them. He gently pulled away from T�a.

"I hear you are eager to leave these luxurious accommodations," Doctor Marahbee joked as he approached T�a's bed.

"More than ready," T�a admitted. "I'm not in quite so much of a rush now that my husband was able to visit." T�a pointed to Todd. "Doctor Marahbee, this is my husband, Todd Manning."

"Hello, Mr. Manning. I'm T�a's neurosurgeon. Don't let that make you nervous. My part of the job is just about over. Your wife obviously does not need surgery. Doctor Anderson is a neurologist and he will be taking over T�a's case," Doctor Marahbee explained.

"Hello, Todd. Do you remember me?" Doctor Anderson asked. He was happily surprised to see that Todd had progressed to the point of Susannah allowing him off the unit. He, of course, did not have the full picture.

"I . . . no . . . I'm not sure . . . I�" Todd became anxious because he did not remember him.

"That's okay, Todd. I know you've had a lot of doctors come to see you since you've been here," Doctor Anderson said gently.

"Mr. Manning. We are going to need you to wait outside while we examine your wife," Doctor Marahbee informed him.

Todd reached out until he felt T�a's hand. He took it in his own and held it tightly. "Are you going to do stuff that will hurt her?"

"No, not at all. I promise we won't do anything at all that hurts," Doctor Anderson assured Todd. He, more than Doctor Marahbee, knew how fragile Todd was and how quickly he escalated.

"You're gonna fix it if you find something wrong with her, right?" Todd asked in a childlike way.

"Yes. We will do our very best to fix any problems we find," Doctor Marahbee promised. He was beginning to see that Todd needed to be handled gently.

Susannah and Frank walked over to Todd. "Come on, buddy. The doctors need to get going with T�a's exam. Let's get you back to your own unit," Frank stated. He rubbed Todd's arm.

"No! I'll wait outside. I'm not leaving until I find out how Delgado is," Todd declared adamantly.

They all exchanged looks. Susannah knelt down to where Todd sat. She turned his face so that he was facing her. She spoke softly to him. "Todd, we said we'd bring you to see T�a and we did. Now it's time for you to go back to your own unit. You need to rest. T�a is fine. She'll probably be going to her own room in a little while."

"No! You said I could find out how T�a is. I won't know for sure until they examine her. I wanna wait. Then I'll go back. I'll be quiet. I won't bother anyone," Todd added.

Susannah and Frank did not want to chance Todd losing it. They were also happy to see that his thoughts were organized enough to make a good argument for his case."

"All right. You can sit in the waiting area outside T�a's room. The exam shouldn't take too long. Then it's back to your own unit, understand?" Susannah spoke firmly.

"Yeah! You should have been a general instead of a shrink," Todd snapped.

Everyone in the room smiled, including Susannah. "I'm sure I was in a previous life," Susannah quipped, "now let's get going so they can examine T�a."

Todd reached for T�a's hand again. He held it tenderly. "Delgado." Todd leaned in toward T�a and whispered. "Don't be afraid. They said it won't hurt and that they'll be able to fix anything that's wrong. I'll be right outside. If you get scared, you yell. I won't let anything bad happen to you."

Tears filled T�a's eyes and splashed down her face. T�a reached out and caressed Todd's cheek. "I know you won't," she whispered back.

"I'll come in to say goodbye after they finish checking you out. Do you need anything? I can ask someone to go get you anything you want."

"You've already given me everything I want, Todd, by your being here."

"I meant good stuff like flowers or those girls� magazines."

T�a laughed. "No, you were all the good stuff I needed."

Todd shrugged and headed out with Susannah and Frank. T�a's words made Todd uncomfortable. He wanted to believe he was good for her, but he couldn't. He didn't want to upset her by saying it. He still feared he'd do nothing but end up disappointing her and causing her heartache. Peter's words were never far from Todd's mind.

************************************************

Saber had been watching and listening. He saw no point in making Todd hear him and get dragged back to his locked unit. Saber reasoned that this part of the hospital might yield much more opportunity than the unit Todd was on. Saber was also a little bored with only being able to scare Todd by talking to him or yelling at him. Saber hated T�a. He hated her as much as he hated Viki, Sam, Blair, Kevin and Susannah. He hated all of them for pretending to care about Todd. 'Lying hypocrites!' Saber thought to himself. He believed without doubt that they were lying to Todd. 'No one could love that bastard or think any of those good things about him any more than they can about any of those other little bastards. They have all ruined my life and they are going to pay. They're all going to pay.' Saber was a patient man. He was good at biding his time.

Pete had thought about making a run for it when the doors to the unit had been opened. He and Saber glared at each other. Saber was the only one that Pete was afraid of, not that Pete would admit it was fear. He thought of it as staying out of Saber's way because Saber pissed him off. Pete didn't fear Mike. In his cocky fourteen-year-old mind, he reasoned he was way too important to Todd to ever be sent away. Pete was not too good about thinking things through. He acted on impulse. He was easily driven by his rage to make foolish moves. Saber knew Pete would not get far if he attempted to run and he would ruin Saber's chance to check out another part of the hospital. Saber smirked to himself when Pete backed down and went back to stay with Miss Perkins.

*********************************************

Since Todd was going to be in with T�a for a while, Del managed to convince T�a's grandmother to go down to the cafeteria with him and at least have a roll, coffee and juice. He would take her to stay with Carlotta later, once T�a's tests were complete. He knew she would not want to leave Llanview until T�a was back on her feet.

Kevin had gone to get Viki and Sam coffee and something to eat. He then went home to shower and change. He planned on coming right back to the hospital afterward. Things were running smoothly at the paper. He wanted to be there in case Todd needed "someone who hated him" with him.

Viki had not broached the subject of Sam apparently insisting Susannah allow Todd to leave the unit. She did not want Sam to feel that he was Todd's guardian in name only. Since Todd did seem to be able to handle being away from the unit, Viki thought Sam's judgment in this was sound. She felt better about her decision to have him become Todd's co-guardian. Viki was still concerned. Sam sat silently for the most part. He seemed lost in his own thoughts. Her few attempts at conversation were greeted with one or two word answers. Viki was exhausted. She finally gave up trying to make conversation and closed her eyes and tried to relax.

*******************************************

As they approached the door to leave the ICU, a kitchen worker came through with some trays of food for those patients who were able to eat. "We have to move over here, buddy. Someone needs to pass by with some trays," Frank cautioned Todd and released his arm so he could step in back of Todd and out of the way. A small pair of scissors hanging on a cart that had been pushed up against the wall caught Saber's attention. Neither Susannah nor Frank saw Todd's eyes blink a couple of times. Todd did not feel himself go away for the couple of seconds it took for Saber to reach ever so slightly to his side. He palmed the scissors and slipped it into the pocket of the sweat pants Todd was wearing. He wasn't sure in what way he would make use of it. He wasn't even sure he would get to make use of it or have a chance to hide it somewhere. He realized they might search Todd when they brought him back to his own unit. It didn't matter. He felt good being able to sneak this by them. Saber reasoned to himself. 'If I can make use of it in some way, fine, if not I've lost nothing.' Todd came back without realizing he had lost those few seconds. Inside, Saber smirked to himself and kept his eyes and ears open.

Viki and Sam both jumped up from their seats when they saw Todd being guided into the waiting area by Susannah and Frank. "Are you ready to go back to your own unit now, sweetheart?" Viki asked.

"No, they gotta examine T�a's head. I'm gonna wait here until they say she's okay."

Viki and Sam exchanged looks with Susannah and Frank, who both nodded to let Sam and Viki know it was okay. As far as they knew, Todd was holding it together so far.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" Viki offered Todd.

"Water. I�m thirsty." Todd replied.

"How about some milk or juice?" Viki tried.

"No, just water," Todd responded.

Viki shook her head and went to get him a cup of water.

Susannah looked at her watch. It was almost time for his midmorning feeding. She knew they would have to let it go for now. It was done, Todd was here and they didn't want him to escalate. Susannah did have some good feelings about bringing Todd to see T�a. It triggered some amazing disclosures in Todd and through sheer willpower; he was keeping himself together so he could be there for T�a. Because he was staying stable, he was able to hear . . . really hear . . . what T�a had to say to him and he was able to express some of what he was feeling. Susannah knew he might not be able to digest it all, but it would still be in that incredible mind of his somewhere.

Viki brought Todd his water. Viki took his hand and placed the cup in it. Todd drank thirstily. When he finished, he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve and asked, "how long has it been since those doctors started examining Delgado?"

"It's only been a few minutes, buddy. Relax. T�a's fine," Frank assured him.

"They promised they wouldn't hurt her," Todd said more to himself than to them.

"That's right they did," Susannah reassured him. "Neurological testing doesn't hurt. Come on now. Sit back and relax."

Todd took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. They all exchanged concerned glances and hoped Todd would hold it together for at least a little longer.

**********************************************************

Starr hopped off the city bus, a half a block away from the hospital. Starr had gotten the number for a couple of cab companies from information as she stood on her backpack, talking on the pay phone a block from her house. Neither company would send a cab to pick up someone on the street. They both required an address. Starr didn't want to wait anywhere near her own apartment house. She was afraid her mom would find her and stop her from going to the hospital. So Starr had taken the bus. Starr was not her father's daughter for nothing. She was smart enough to realize that they might not let children go to this ICU place by themselves. On the ride over, she made her plans.

As soon as Starr walked into the hospital lobby she headed for the gift shop. Blair would always take her there after her blood tests and examination to buy her candy or some other treat, so Starr knew where it was. Starr looked around carefully. Her eyes became big as saucers when she spotted some stuffed frogs that looked just like Fred. She took two of them. She paid for them and had the woman behind the counter wrap them for her. When she walked out, she carried the gift boxes out in the open where they would be conspicuous. Starr looked for an appropriate person. She spotted middle-aged woman carrying flowers and candy. Starr was looking for a visitor, not hospital personnel. "Excuse me ma'am."

The woman looked down at the young girl in front of her. "Yes, honey?"

"My mommy is in a part of the hospital called ICU. My daddy sent me to by presents for her. I forgot how to get back. Can you take me?"

"Well, sure I can," the woman gladly agreed.

When the elevator came, Starr took the woman�s hand. She wanted to make sure everyone knew she was with this grown up.

****************************************

After only a few minutes of waiting, Todd stood up. Frank jumped up. "Todd, where do you want to go?"

"Nowhere. I just want to move around." Todd needed to pace.

Frank glanced at Susannah. She nodded.

"Okay, buddy. I'll walk with you."

Todd and Frank began to walk back and forth across the waiting area.

********************************************

"This is the ICU, honey." The woman pointed to some double doors. "You go right through there. Do you want me to walk you inside?"

"No, thank you. I know where I am now. I just got mixed up when we were downstairs."

The woman smiled. "Okay. I'll just wait out here until you go in. I hope your mommy feels better."

"Thank you," Starr replied sweetly and smiled. She waved goodbye to the woman and walked through the double doors.

Starr walked down the same short corridor Todd had walked down a short time ago. She turned the corner. Starr saw a sign. She read aloud to herself. "ICU and ICU lounge." She saw an arrow that pointed straight ahead.

******************************************

Todd continued to pace. "Are you sure this is supposed to take so long? Maybe they found something really bad?"

Frank heard the fear in Todd's voice. He knew he had to get him to calm down. "Todd, this exam takes a while. You want them to do a thorough job and really make sure T�a' is okay, don't you?"

"Yeah," Todd nodded. "I want Delgado to have the best."

"Then relax and let them do their job. T�a's fine."

Both Todd and Frank turned in Viki's direction when they heard her gasp.

Todd immediately turned back in the direction he had been facing when he heard a familiar, but frightened, voice call out "Daddy?"

TO BE CONTINUED

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