<i>PREVIOUSLY

"Susannah?" Viki said, looking frightened. "He's fine. He's confused and that's to be expected." "Why are his arm and leg numb." "That can sometimes happen. It should go away soon. It does seem that Todd is experiencing a slightly different postictal state than he, or whoever that was experienced last time. Of course that may have been because of the status epilepticus, but it also might just be that the alters and Todd experience seizures as differently as they react to medication." "He seemed more alert when he woke up this time," Sam observed. "Yes, he was. He was also calmer."</i>

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Todd woke up a few times during the night. He still seemed a little disoriented, sometimes remembering he was in the hospital, sometimes thinking he was at home or at the Sun. He remained calm. He would call out for Viki or Sam, then he would fall asleep again. He did not have any more seizures. Sam came to the ICU around midnight. Reluctantly, Viki kissed Todd and Sam goodnight and went to the family lounge, on the seventh floor, to get a good night's sleep. Susannah spent the night in her office, getting some sleep on the couch. The ICU staff checked on Todd throughout the night and was pleased that his physical condition remained stable.

The sun streaming through the window woke Viki up. She looked at her watch. She couldn't believe it was seven-forty. She never thought she'd get a wink of sleep because she was so worried about Todd, but exhaustion took over and she had slept through the night. At first she panicked, then she realized that they would have called her if there had been a problem. She quickly showered and changed and headed for the ICU.

Susannah also managed to get several hours of sleep and woke fairly refreshed, as did Sam, who slept in a reclining chair next to Todd's bed. Sam had comforted Todd the few times he woke up and had been able to get him back to sleep each time. He went along with whatever Todd said, and comforted him about himself, Starr, and the newspaper. At one point, Todd said he had to go get some food for Moose. Sam assured him that Moose had been fed and was sleeping. Todd muttered, "Thanks Sam," and went back to sleep. There was almost something eerie about his calmness.

Todd was scheduled to be moved back to his room in the late afternoon. They wanted to keep him in the ICU a few extra hours because he was still experiencing some confusion and extreme sleepiness. Todd was asleep when Susannah got to the ICU.

"How are you doing?" She asked Sam.

"Not bad. I got plenty of sleep. Todd slept most of the night. He was confused but he slept."

"I checked his chart and he is doing very well. His vitals are good. He's had no seizure activity. Looks like we'll be moving him upstairs later."

"Why is he still so confused and sleepy?"

"Todd may be experiencing a longer postictal state after all. It really may not have been Todd who came out after the status epilepticus."

"You really think the kid who answered to Todd and couldn't see may have been an alter?"

"I don't know. Perhaps if it was, he'll come back again." Susannah answered.

Sam looked at Todd, he was still sound asleep. He knew Viki would be there any minute. "Susannah, can I speak with you outside, alone, before Viki gets here?"

"Of course, let's go. We'll be right outside," Susannah told one of the nurses. She and Sam sat in the waiting area.

"I don't want to say this in front of Viki because I'm not sure about any of it and I don't want to upset her for nothing, but I think I know why Tom is so upset with Kevin. Tom thinks Kevin and Tea are boyfriend and girlfriend. He thinks she is still angry with Todd and so she became Kevin's girlfriend."

Susannah was not shocked, but she was surprised. "Did Tom actually tell you this?"

"Yes, that night, after Tea and Kevin were both visiting him. He had been given his sleep meds and was already groggy, maybe that helped him to say what he was really feeling, I don't know. He asked me right out if Kevin was Tea's boyfriend."

Susannah remembered back to that night. "That must have been why he was so upset about the rose. It wasn't just that he thought they were laughing at him. Well, we will have to make sure to straighten Tom out about that the next time he comes out."

"Susannah, that's just it. That's why I wanted to talk to you alone about this. I'm not so sure he's wrong about it." Sam could see that, now, Susannah was shocked. "Look, I'm probably way off here, but you know the alters, especially Tom, have . . . I don't know, like this sixth sense when it comes to things. They sense your mood before you even know what you're feeling yourself."

"Is that what your basing your suspicions on?" Susannah asked.

"No, not just that. Haven't you noticed a growing closeness between Tea and Kevin? Susannah, please understand. I don't, for a second, believe any of this is on Tea's part, but I do see that Kevin seems to always pop up wherever Tea is. Kevin may not even be aware of it himself. I know he's lonely since he and Cassie separated. I know he is trying to deal with a lot of feelings and issues when it comes to Todd and the alters. I realize a tremendous amount of pressure has been placed on him by Todd's illness. Maybe he resents Todd for it and feels too guilty about that to acknowledge it? You're the psychiatrist, I don't know."

Susannah thought about it for a minute and she realized there was something in what Sam said. "Have you spoken, at all, to Viki about this?"

"No, she has enough on her plate without having to worry about this. Also, I may be totally off base here. I hope I am, because if Kevin is starting to have feelings for Tea that is really going to complicate things around here," Sam responded.

"I don't like keeping things from Viki, but I do agree that we should find out if there is anything to this before we approach her with it, Susannah agreed."

Sam was almost sorry he mentioned it. "Do you plan on talking to Tom about this?" Sam asked, nervously.

"No, I plan on talking to Kevin about it."

Sam shook his head. He knew that was necessary but he hated doing anything that might endanger the fragile relationship Kevin had with the alters. He knew that Timmy could not handle Kevin disappearing from his life again. "Please, make sure he understands how important his visits are to Timmy." Sam implored.

Susannah heard the desperation in his voice. "I will make very sure that Kevin understands that," she promised.

A nurse approached to tell them that Todd was waking up. Just as they were about to head back inside they saw Viki walking toward them. Seeing them in the waiting room she immediately became concerned. "Is there a problem?" A frightened Viki asked.

"Nooo," Sam put his arm around Viki's shoulder. "We just didn't want to wake Todd up, but the nurse just told us he is waking up now." Viki was relieved and headed inside with Sam and Susannah.

Todd rolled over on his back. He felt the bed under him in an effort to orient himself.

"Good morning, Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. How are you feeling?"

"Viki," Todd called and reached out.

"I'm right here, Sweetheart," Viki took his hand.

"I feel weird."

"Can you tell us in what way you feel weird?" Susannah asked.

"Far away. Am I in the hospital?"

"Yes, you are still in the ICU, but you will be going back to your room a little later today," Susannah informed him.

"ICU?" Todd knew there was something he needed to remember, something that was different, something bad. Then it came to him. He sat straight up. "Doctor Hanen! Doctor Hanen!" He reached out.

"I'm right here Todd. What is it?" Susannah took his hands.

"You told me I had . . ." He tried to remember the word Susannah had used but couldn't. "You told me I had fits. Did you tell me that or did I dream it?" Susannah knew he was ready to talk about this.

"No, you didn't dream it. Todd, you have a seizure disorder. It's called epilepsy."

He was quiet again. "So now I'm an even bigger freak," he mumbled, his head down.

"Pal, listen to me. It's not like that. It's a disorder. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Sam tried to reason with him.

"Should I just add it to all the other things I do that I'm not supposed to be embarrassed about?" Todd sarcastically stated.

Sam, Viki and Susannah exchanged looks. Susannah lowered the side rail and sat down on the bed. "Todd, have you ever known anyone with diabetes?" Todd looked puzzled for a moment and then answered, "Yeah, a kid in my elementary school and one of the cleaning ladies my dad hired."

"Do you think that made them freaks?" Susannah asked.

"No, they were just like everyone else, except they had to give themselves shots and not eat too much sweets and stuff like that."

"Well epilepsy is not any more a freakish disorder than diabetes. It isn't something you catch or do wrong or cause to happen to you. It does not mean you have brain damage or are any less intelligent."

Todd remained silent for a minute, then asked. "So if I didn't catch this what makes it happen?"

"There is a tiny little scar in your brain. It probably happened when you sustained a head injury."

"Yeah, I've had lot's of those," Todd stated, looking ashamed.

"Todd, epilepsy is nothing to be embarrassed about. Many famous people had or have epilepsy?"

"Yeah, like who, some criminals or something?" Todd asked bitterly.

Susannah had made sure to be prepared for this question, and hoped that Todd would eventually ask. "No, people like Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Peter the Great, Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great. Some of the great thinkers and philosophers have also been epileptic, such as, Pythagoras, Socrates, Thomas Edison and Alfred Nobel. The list include writers and actors like, Lord Byron, Mark Twain, Dostoyevski, Flaubert, Charles Dickins, Lewis Carrol, Edgar Allen Poe, Margaux Hemingway, Bud Abbott, of Abbott and Costello, Danny Glover. The apostle St. Paul had epilepsy, so did Vincent Van Gogh and the composer Tchaikovsky. That's a pretty impressive list if you ask me," Susannah stated.

"Yeah, I guess. I even heard of some of those guys," Todd said softly, making everyone smile. "So did I squash my brain or something when my head got hurt?"

"No, your brain is fine, it just has a tiny scar that interferes with the electrical signals." Susannah explained.

"Electrical signals?" Todd looked puzzled; he had apparently blocked out what Susannah already told him about epilepsy, the last time he woke up. She hoped that he would allow himself to remember this time. Susannah needed to explain this in a way Todd could understand.

"Yes, the nerves throughout our body act like telephone lines, allowing the brain to send signals to the rest of the body. These lines are called the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. Our nervous system is responsible for most of the actions of our bodies."

"I think I remember that from some Bio class, which I probably flunked. That's like all connected to our brains and spine," Todd interjected.

"Yes! Todd that's very good. That is exactly right. The central nervous system includes the brain and the spinal cord and is like the interstate or highway of the nervous system. The peripheral nervous system is made up of the nerves that sense and control movement; they are like the back streets and roads of the nervous system. Signals travel down the central nervous system through the spinal cord until they reach their branch of the peripheral nervous system. Then the signals go through the peripheral nervous system to their particular nerve endings."

Susannah paused and waited a few minutes for Todd to absorb what she just explained. "So my nervous system has like this big detour sign that says road closed because of major screw up," Todd's voice had a touch of, understandable, bitterness in it.

"Todd, not a screw up, more like an accident, but you know the detour sign is an excellent analogy. You are so very smart. When a seizure occurs, out-of-sync signals from the brain travel along the nervous system pathway to sensors, like the nerves that flex muscles. These out-of-sync signals may keep the brain from understanding what the eyes see, or may cause a leg muscle to become weak." Susannah paused for a second and then continued. "Or, in the case of a generalized seizure, cause a person to fall or even lose consciousness entirely." Once again, Susannah paused and gave Todd some time to absorb what she just told him.

"Does that happened to me? Do I fall and become unconscious?"

Susannah heard fear and embarrassment in Todd's voice. "Yes, honey, you do. I know that sounds very frightening, but it is nothing to be afraid of or embarrassed by. The kind of seizures you have are called generalized tonic-clonic and they last for about three to five minutes."

"I'm a freak," Todd again mumbled.

"No! Todd didn't you hear what Doctor Hanen told you about all those famous people who have epilepsy. Listen Pal, did you ever see Abbott and Costello on television?" Sam tried to get him to understand.

"Yeah," Todd answered, his head still hung down in shame.

"Did Bud Abbott seem like a freak to you?"

"No," Todd answered, still not convinced.

"What about Danny Glover? Did you ever see him in a movie?" Viki asked.

"Yeah, he's cool," Todd answered with a little more enthusiasm.

"Sweetheart, you are no different from either of them," Viki assured him.

"You have a symptom of a neurologic disorder, a disorder that affects the brain and shows itself in the form of seizures. Just like having high blood sugar might make someone with diabetes very thirsty, or have to urinate often," Susannah continued to explain.

Todd still looked frightened and embarrassed. "What makes the electrical stuff in my brain go out of whack? It must be something I'm doing wrong or maybe because I'm stupid or crazy? Maybe I can stop doing it?" Todd asked, desperately, bringing tears to Sam and Viki's eyes.

Susannah tried to think of a way to make this very complicated answer simple. "Okay, first, you did absolutely nothing wrong and you are neither stupid nor crazy. You do not get epilepsy because of something you do. The neurons, which are the nerve cells in our nervous system, send messages through an electrochemical process. This means that chemicals result in an electrical signal. Some very important minerals, called ions, like sodium, potassium, chloride, calcium, have positive and negative charges, like a battery. They send electrical signals. The electric signals in the brain are very small, but they are enough for one neuron to switch on another neuron. Epilepsy is what happens when these cells misfire. A seizure happens when a large group of neurons misfire, in other words, a temporary short circuit of the brain. In your case, it happens because one of the brain injuries you suffered left a small scar, on your left temporal lobe. The scarred area of your brain interrupts the normal flow of cell firings and a seizure happens."

Todd was quiet again. "Sweetheart, do you understand what Doctor Hanen just explained to you?" Viki asked, tenderly, stroking Todd's head. He nodded yes.

"Is this going to happen to me a lot?"

"We hope not, but if it does we will keep you safe. You can also help to keep yourself safe," Susannah pointed out.

"It's never safe," Todd responded. He seemed hopeless.

"I know it seems that way, but you can trust us to keep you safe, in every way." Todd sighed. Susannah knew he was still not able to trust in anyone telling him they would keep him safe. "Do you want to know what you can do to help yourself if you start to have a seizure?" Susannah pressed.

"You mean there's a way I can stop the seizures?"

"No Todd, once a seizure is starting to happen you won't be able to stop it, but you can keep yourself safe, by listening to your body. Sometimes, right before a seizure begins, your body may give you some signals that it is about to happen." Susannah paused. Todd didn't respond, but she could tell he was listening to her. "The signal may be a sensation of an odd taste or smell. You may feel very tired. You may feel dizzy, or have an upset stomach, or headache or feel overly anxious or weird in some way."

"Big deal! Except for the taste and smell thing I always feel those ways," Todd snapped. Sam and Viki both shook their heads and looked at Susannah. Todd's constant suffering was hard to take.

"I know you feel pretty bad most of the time, but hopefully you will start to feel better soon," Susannah tried to sound encouraging. "The way you might feel any of those things before a seizure will probably be different. The feelings may be stronger, or you may experience them in a different way than you usually do. If you feel any of those things it is very important that you tell someone and then go lie down and turn on your side. If you are near your bed, go there. If not, lie down on the floor wherever you are. This will protect you from falling. It is important that you turn on your side so you don't choke on saliva." Susannah didn't add, from vomit as well. She knew Todd became frightened about throwing up, and that it would add to his feeling of self-loathing, as would the knowledge that he may lose control of his bladder and bowels. She would allow him to process this information before she went into more detail.

Susannah noticed Todd did not bring up the subject of medication. Neither did she. It may have just been an oversight on his part, but she realized it also might be that, subconsciously, he understood the need for medication, but his fears about it kept him from wanting to know he was receiving it. "Do you agree to tell someone if you feel anything like the things I mentioned, or anything that feels different in any way?" Susannah asked.

Todd shrugged. "Yeah I guess so. What are you gonna do, lock me in a hospital!" They smiled, surprised that Todd was able to see the irony in the situation. Sam put his arm around Todd's shoulders and hugged him. They were all so proud of him.

Looking almost afraid to ask, Todd spoke up timidly. "Are seizures painful" They noticed Todd asked many of the same questions Tom had, only in a different way.

"No, the kind of seizures you have are not painful. Once the actual seizure starts you will become unconscious. When you wake up you may feel like you did this time. Kind of sleepy and a little confused. You may have a headache and your muscles may be a little sore." Todd shrugged again. They realized that, once again, he pretty much always felt that way, only to a lesser degree.

"Am I ever gonna be able to do things like everyone else?" They could tell Todd was still frightened, but that was to be expected. It takes time for a diagnosis like this to sink in.

"Yes, epileptics can do almost everything anyone else can do. In Pennsylvania, you won't be able to drive until you are seizure free for at least six months. You have to make sure you never go swimming alone, and you always have to leave the door unlocked when you take a bath or shower. It would be a good idea to let someone know when you are going to take a shower or a bath. You can still play sports, and do whatever physical activities you liked to do before."

"If I ever get out of this loony bin," Todd muttered.

"You'll get out, honey," Susannah patted his arm reassuringly.

"Yeah sure," Todd answered, hopelessly. Sam held him a little tighter.

Todd looked suddenly panicked. "Can Shorty catch this from me?"

"No, absolutely not! Epilepsy is not contagious, and in this case not hereditary, because yours was caused by an injury. Starr is fine. She is in no danger from your being an epileptic."

Todd was taken back by the last two words Susannah spoke. It was the first time he realized that now he was an epileptic. He started to feel extremely anxious. Todd hung his head. "My dad would be ashamed of me. He would be embarrassed to tell his friends he had a son who had fits," Todd whispered, as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Viki lowered the side rail on the other side and sat down next to him. She cupped his cheek in her palm and turned his face toward her. She wished he could see her. "Sweetheart, do you remember when Starr was so weak she couldn't play like the other children. She had to have all kinds of special cleaning done around her. She needed all kinds of special medicine?" Some more tears escaped Todd's eyes. He nodded yes. "Were you ever ashamed of her or embarrassed to tell anyone she was your daughter?"

"No! It made me love Shorty even more. I was so proud of her for being so brave and getting through being sick like that."

"Todd, don't you see? That is how a good and loving parent is supposed to feel. If your father would have felt embarrassed because you have a medical condition then he was the bad one. He was the one who was wrong to feel that way. Oh, sweetheart, you are so smart and good and so lovable, and he never appreciated you. He should have cherished you. If I had been allowed to raise you I would have."

"So would I have, Boomer. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I was your dad, from the start."<P>