<i>PREVIOUSLY

"Did you hear that, mi corazon? You're doing great. Everything is going to be all right. You just have to take this new medicine and you'll be fine. Téa burst into tears. "Oh Todd, I'm so sorry. I did this to you. I gave you this additional problem. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. I wish I had known how ill you were. I should have. We all should have. You have been screaming out for help for as long as everyone has known you and we never heard you. You frightened me so much that night. I didn't know what you were capable of. You frightened me. You hurt me. I wanted to stop you. You were so out of control, but I was also so angry with you. You took away every dream I had for us that night and I wanted to hurt you too. Téa kissed Todd on the lips. "I'm sorry, mi amor, I'm sorry. How can you ever forgive me?" She stroked his head one more time and left to go tell Sam and Viki she was going to work. Téa was already out the door when Todd started to move slightly. Without making a sound, his lips formed the word, "Téa."</i>

******************************************************

Todd felt so strange. He felt as if he was trying to find his way in a fog as thick as pea soup. A part of him wanted it to clear. A part of him wanted to surrender to it and go back to the place where he saw, heard and felt nothing. As awareness won out, Todd felt his head hurting. He felt slightly nauseated. Individual words, not sentences, came to him. Frightened . . . Stop . . . Angry . . . Sorry . . . Forgive. Todd felt as if someone had kissed him. It terrified him. He knew he wasn't worthy of anyone's affections and whoever kissed him would end up hating him and leaving him for disappointing them. Todd heard a distant voice calling to him. He desperately wanted to get to that voice, but he was overwhelmed with fear that once he got to the voice, it would turn him away. Still, he tried to fight his way through the fog and get to the voice he heard. Finally, overcome with fear and exhaustion, he succumbed to the fog. A nurse noticed his restlessness as she was standing over him. She saw that he appeared to be struggling to come out of sedation, then when it was apparently too much for him, he fell back into troubled sleep. She heard him call to someone before he did. She heard him call, "Téa."

Todd slept for another ninety minutes. Viki and Sam were still resting in the lounge. Kevin had brought breakfast for Sam and his mother and then, at Viki's insistence, headed for the Banner. Viki promised him she would get him immediately, if there were any problems or, if Timmy surfaced. "Someone has to watch the store," she told Kevin, half jokingly.

Susannah had been called and told Todd was moving around more and moaning every now and then. She sat next to his bed waiting for him to wake up. She knew he would still be really out of it. After all his brain had been through and all the drugs he'd been given in the past two days, it would take time for him to really "come back." She wondered if it would be Todd or the child version of Todd who woke up.

Before he said a word, Todd rolled over onto his back and reached up and felt his head and face and then his hands. He felt strange he wanted to see if he was real, if he was alive. When he got to the IV he panicked. Susannah quickly took his hands.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're safe. You have an IV in your hand. Don't be afraid. It's not hurting you, is it?" He shook his head no. "If I let go of your hands do you promise not to pull on the IV?" Susannah asked. He nodded yes. Todd felt around to try to establish is whereabouts.

"Am I in bed?" He whispered.

"Yes, you are in bed," Susannah acknowledged.

"My head hurts," he again whispered.

"I can get you some medication for that," Susannah informed him.

"No! I don't want drugs," he said firmly, like Todd. Not like the child who was there yesterday, begging not to be medicated. His speech was still very slightly slurred, but nothing like it had been after the loading dose of Cerebyx.

"Todd, I need to look at your eyes with my penlight. It won't hurt. I need to touch your forehead. Is that all right?" He hesitated, but then nodded yes. His pupils were equal and reactive. "How do you feel?" Susannah asked him.

"Weird."

"How so?"

Todd shrugged. "It's confused and it's not real. I'm not real. I died and I'm not real anymore."

His statement surprised Susannah. Not so much because of what he said, but because of the clarity of his emotions and his ability to express them. Susannah motioned one of the nurses over. "Can you please send someone to the lounge area and have them get his sister and Sam Rappaport?" The nurse asked one of the techs to let Todd's family know he had woken up.

"Todd, you are very much alive and real. Why do you say you died?"

"I did. I died in Ireland. I died when that cop shot me. I can't even get that right!" Todd joked bitterly.

"No Todd, you didn't die. You were very strong and you fought back, and you survived."

"My mistake," Todd answered coldly.

Susannah could see by the queasy expression on his face that Todd felt sick. "Do you feel like you need to throw up?" Susannah asked.

He did, but he fought it. Todd had always felt frightened when he threw up and he never understood why. He turned over on his side and pulled his knees to his chest. He reached out and called for Viki.

"She's on her way, Todd. Both Viki and Sam will be here in a minute."

In the seconds it took Todd to realize Viki was not in the room with him, panic set in. "She went away didn't she? She and Sam are disgusted with me and they left me."

"Todd, Viki and Sam are just down the hall. I sent someone to get them and they will be here in a few seconds." He didn't believe her.

He tried to get out of bed and felt the padded side rails. He immediately realized that something was different. "This isn't the same bed!" He cried out. "Sam and Viki sent me far away from them. They sent me to a different loony bin."

Viki and Sam entered the ICU in time to hear Todd's last statement. They were pretty sure it was Todd and rushed over to Todd's bed. "Sweetheart, we're here."

"It's okay Pal. You're in the same hospital," Viki and Sam comforted.

Susannah held up her hand, motioning for them stop talking for a minute. "Todd, can you tell me who just spoke to you?"

Todd looked frightened and confused, but then he seemed to calm down. "Viki, Sam is that really you?"

Susannah smiled, happy that Todd was oriented to person. His disorientation to place and time was understandable, given his blindness and constant dissociations.

"Yes, sweetheart, we are really here."

"It's not the same bed," Todd whimpered. At first they didn't realize what he meant. Then they understood. They looked to Susannah for guidance.

"Todd, you are still at Llanview hospital, but you are in a different room."

"Was I too crazy for the other loony bin?" He asked seriously.

"No," Susannah lowered the side rail and sat down next to him. Cautiously, she stated, "You're in the ICU, Todd."

He looked stunned for a moment. Then he declared, "That's where you go if you're dying."

"No, oh Todd, no. Sweetheart, you're not dying."

"No, of course you're not Boomer. You're doing very well." Viki and Sam immediately set him straight.

Todd was not sure if he believed them. He was relieved and at the same time disappointed that he wasn't dying. He became suddenly fearful. "Did I hurt myself again? Did I try to hurt someone else and they hit me?"

"No, not at all," Susannah assured him, and started to explain. "Todd, you are in the ICU because you had a seizure. Do you know what a seizure is?" His brain was not able to make a connection to the word. It sounded familiar, but he had forgotten it's meaning. He shook his head no.

Susannah slowly explained. "Todd, our brains use electrical impulses to process information. For instance, you see an item on the table you want to pick up; this gives your brain one signal. Now, another electrical impulse is triggered and that tells your hand to pick up the item. Do you understand what I just explained to you so far?" Todd thought for a minute. He understood what Susannah was saying in abstract terms. He was not applying it to himself. He nodded yes. Susannah continued. "The brain cells work together by means of electrical signals. Sometimes, something interferes with these signals. There is a temporary short circuit and the electrical charges in the brain misfire. This short circuit causes the body to become confused because the brain is sending out incorrect signals. These signals cause a person to have a seizure." Susannah paused again, and asked Todd if he understood.

Todd thought about what she said. Then he made the connection and remembered what his interpretation of a seizure was. "You mean a fit? You mean this happens to me!" He began to panic.

"Todd, listen to me. You have a seizure disorder. It's called Post Traumatic Epilepsy."

"NO! I don't want to have that! Viki, Sam!" Sam and Viki both held him. "Please, I don't want to have that," Todd begged.

"Sweetheart, I know you don't." Viki rocked him.

"I know that sounds frightening, but it can usually be controlled by medication. We are giving you a medication called an anticonvulsant. That will help to control the seizures," Susannah gently explained

"NO! NO DRUGS! I DON'T WANT ANY MORE DAMN DRUGS. I WON'T TAKE THEM!" Todd shrieked.

"Pal, listen to me. We'll see you through this. I swear. It'll be all right," Sam soothed.

"NO!" Todd shrieked then his voice turned low. He sounded hopeless and full of despair. "It won't be all right. Nothing is ever all right for me. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Every time I wake up something horrible happened to me. Now you tell me I have fits like a dog with rabies! What do I do? Do I run around in circles and foam at the mouth?"

"No, Todd listen to me." Susannah hated the misconceptions people had about this disorder.

"No! I don't want to listen to you, and I don't want anymore drugs! I got this cause I'm here in the hospital. I must have caught it off of someone."

"No, you don't catch epilepsy. It is not a disease. It is not brain damage. It is not in your blood. Todd, it is a disorder and millions of people have it. You may have known many epileptics in your life and you didn't realize it because their seizures were under control. You can't tell someone is an epileptic by looking at them, Todd. Having this makes you no different from anyone else with a medical problem."

Todd shook his head no. "I have always been different from everyone else," he cried out. "I have always been a freak to everyone. This is just one more disgusting thing about me that everyone can hate and make fun off."

"No one hates you or is making fun of you. No one!" Sam emphasized the last two words.

"It's them they're doing this to me," Todd stated. His voice filled with panic.

"Who do you think is doing this to you?"

"Those kids that you say run around in my head."

"No, your alters are not doing this to you. No one did this to you. Todd . . ." He cut Susannah off.

"Then it's the Buchanans. They did something to me. They want to keep me here. First, they made you think I have all these people running around inside me, and now they made you think I have this."

"Todd, you need to listen to me," Susannah calmly stated.

Todd was having none of it. "They're paying you to do this to me, aren't they. They couldn't put me in jail so they'll settle for this. They get you to drug me and then tell me I have all these things." Todd reached out wildly for Viki. "Viki, please. I didn't kill Georgie. I swear I didn't. Please! Make them stop hurting me. Sam, please. I'll go to Canada. I won't bother anyone. Please take me out of here. PLEASE!" Todd's desperate cries cut right through them.

Sam pulled Todd to him and held him tightly. "Todd, I swear, no one is trying to hurt you."

Viki took his face in her hands. "Sweetheart, it's true. We would never let anyone hurt you. Please, just calm down and let Doctor Hanen explain."

Suddenly, Todd pulled away from Viki and tried to pull away from Sam. "LET GO OF ME! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU VIKI AND I HATE YOU SAM!" Susannah could see the pain etched in Viki and Sam's faces. Todd broke down and began sobbing. "Why won't you let me die? Why do you wanna torture me this way? Is it because of Kevin?"

"Kevin? Sweetheart, what does Kevin have to do with it?"

"Because he was accused of rape on account of me. Do you still hate me for that? Is that why you want me to suffer?"

Viki swallowed hard. She couldn't believe he would think such a thing. "No, Todd I love you. I love you more than anyone on the face of the Earth. It kills me to see you suffer."

"THEN LET ME DIE!" Todd screamed.

"I'll find a way, Viki. Even here, even with them watching me all the time. I'll find a way. Everything has always been so hard for me, my whole Goddamn life. Can't you make this one thing easy for me? Let me die. I hate it here. I don't belong here. I was a mistake. Just let me fix the mistake. Please! PLEASE! PLEASE!" Todd was shrieking at the top of his lungs. ICU staff members stood by, tensely, waiting for instructions from Susannah.

Susannah hated to do it, but she gave them an order for a sedative. She tried one that would hopefully calm him without putting him back to sleep. Todd continued to scream and beg to die as a nurse injected the medication into his IV. It took hold quickly, and his muscles started to relax. His anger and fear had lessened but had not gone away entirely. He lay on his side, whispering "Let me die," and "I hate you." Susannah knew he had shut down and was not receptive to any more information about his condition right now.

"I'm cold," he mumbled. Susannah pulled up an extra blanket from the foot of the bed, and covered him with it. Todd wanted to feel the way he sometimes was able to remember feeling. Each time he came out he remembered more and more what that good safe feeling felt like and he craved it. He wanted to feel the warmth and the love and safety of Goodone's arms. He still had no idea how to get to those feelings. He wanted to make it happen and couldn't. He reached up and hit his head, hard, trying to make it happen. Susannah held on to his hands.

"Todd, you need to stop that," she told him, gently, but firmly.

"Make it happen!" He pleaded, remembering that Susannah had helped him to get to those arms before.

"Make what happen?" Susannah asked.

"Make me go away. I want to get to him." They knew he was talking about Goodone.

Susannah hesitated. She wanted Todd to stay around in the hopes he would be willing to learn more about his disorder, but she knew that he just wasn't ready. "Todd, all right, shhhh, let me try to help you. Now, try to relax all your muscles." Susannah spoke in a soft, and soothing monotone.

Slowly, Todd's body became very relaxed, his eyes became glassy. They watched in amazement as Todd held out his arms and then hugged himself tightly and smiled. They knew he was in Goodone's arms. Sam bent over and kissed him on the forehead. His eyes came into focus. "Hey Coach," Tom smiled.

"Hey, Boomer," Sam hugged Tom to him.

Tom looked around and tried to get his bearings. His speech was also slightly slurred. His face brightened even more when he saw Viki and Susannah, but then he became anxious. "Is this a different place?"

"You are still in Llanview hospital, but this is a different part of it. You've been here before, Tom. It's called the ICU," Susannah explained, hoping he wouldn't become upset too.

"I don't remember," Tom muttered and then it came to him. "It hurt a lot the last time I was here. Is it going to hurt again?" He cowered against the headboard.

"No, Tom, not at all. Nothing is hurting you now is it?" Susannah asked. Tom shook his head no.

He noticed the IV and became frightened. "Coach, Viki, there's a needle in my hand. Take it out." He turned to Susannah. "Doctor Hanen, take it out." A tear slid down his cheek.

Susannah sat down next to him. "Honey, you need fluids, and that solution in there is just salt water. It won't hurt you." She pointed to the bag of normal saline. "See, it goes into this tube and then into the needle in your hand. That way you don't have to get stuck."

"I don't like to take medicine," Tom whined.

"I know, but it's important that you get this. If you just leave the IV alone it won't hurt."

Tom thought for a second. "Okay, but if it starts to hurt, will you take it away?"

"If it starts to hurt, we will make it stop hurting," Susannah promised.

Tom seemed to accept that. "I feel kind of weird," Tom complained.

"In what way do you feel weird, sweetheart?" Viki asked.

Tom shrugged. "Kinda tired and far away, like everything is reeeeal slow. You know, weird," he tried to explain.

"Tom, Todd was out right before you and he became very upset and he got some medicine to help him relax. Children react differently to medication than adults do, so it may be making you feel a little weird."

"I always feel bad so Todd don't have to. It's okay," Tom commented sadly. Tom looked up at Sam and Viki. "How come I'm not in my real room?"

Viki and Sam looked at Susannah; she nodded yes, letting them know she was going to explain. "Honey, I need to explain something to you and I need you to listen carefully. Do you feel awake enough to do that right now?" Susannah asked. Tom sat cross-legged and pulled himself closer to the headboard. He looked up at Susannah, innocently, giving her his full attention.

Susannah sat next to him, as she had with Todd. She started off by explaining, "Tom, do you know that our brains control most of the things our body does?"

"My brain's all mixed up, is that why my body gets all mixed up and sick?" Viki and Sam's heart just broke hearing Tom's words.

"Tom, that's a different kind of mixed up. You just get confused sometimes because it's hard to remember that dreams and memories aren't real," Susannah clarified.

"Real hard!" Tom agreed. Suddenly he remembered. He looked at his wrist. They knew what was coming next. "Where's my watch!" He panicked.

"It's safe, Boomer. It's in your room. Do you want me to go get it?"

"I want you to stay with me." Tom was getting upset.

"Tom, I'll send someone to get your watch. They'll bring it right down to you. Sam doesn't have to leave."