"There is only one way for Todd to get well enough to get back to his life. You know what that one way is, Goodone," Susannah said, gently. "I promised him I wouldn't let him get hurt." "I want you to keep your promise, Goodone. I will see to it that Todd stays safe. If he becomes too upset I will try to help him back to you. That's a promise." Goodone thought about it for a minute. "I will be close by and watching, this time." "Fair enough," Susannah agreed. Goodone closed his eyes. "Todd, it's time to wake up now. Papa is going to help you to get to Doctor Hanen and your sister and Sam." "No, Papa. Please keep me here. I'm afraid." "I will walk with you. I will go into the tunnel with you. I will be watching and standing nearby. You will feel my presence when you are with them." Todd held on to Goodone. "Todd, let Goodone help you come forward. Goodone will keep you safe while you are with us. Let Goodone bring you to my voice, Todd. It will be all right," Susannah called to him. Todd once again heard the echo like sound of a voice beckoning him to leave his hiding place. "Come Todd. It's all right to hear the voice now. It's safe to follow it. Let's walk together." Reluctantly, Todd stood up. Goodone held out his hand and Todd took it. Together they walked towards Susannah's voice.

Susannah could see the tension return to Todd's body. His face became taut. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You are in your bed in your room at the hospital. You're safe. Sam and Viki are here, too. Everything is all right. Open your eyes." Todd violently shook his head no. Susannah knew he wasn't fully with them yet. "Todd, it's safe to come all the way back to us. Goodone, please help Todd to come out."

Todd felt his hand being released from its tie to safety and peace. He started to feel cold. The light he had been in turned to darkness. He felt a gentle push towards the voice he was hearing.

"Todd, open your eyes now. I want you to come all the way to my voice."

Todd knew he had no choice. He no longer had any help to ignore the voice. He felt compelled to follow it. He felt the loss of those safe arms, yet, he didn't feel completely alone either. This felt different from all the other times he had been forced back. Todd's eyes opened. His body started to tremble.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?"

He nodded his head slowly. "I'm cold."

Susannah lifted a blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him with it, and asked, "Is that a little better?"

"Viki!" Todd reached out to try to find her.

"I'm right here, Sweetheart." Viki sat down next to him and reached for his outstretched hand.

Todd felt for the top of the blanket and pulled it up to his chin and curled up on his side. "Viki, I'm so cold."

"Todd, can you tell me what your memories are of what was happening to you before waking up just now?" Susannah asked.

Todd's tightened his grasp on Viki's hand. "I want to go back to sleep."

"You can go back to sleep after awhile. Let's talk a little first," Susannah's voice was soft, but firm.

"No! Viki, please, I'm so tired and cold. Tell her to leave me alone."

"Sweetheart, just talk to Susannah for a little while. Then you can rest."

"Sam?"

"I'm right here, Pal." Sam walked over to the bed and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd jumped. "I'm sorry, Todd, I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sam, please, I just want to be left alone. Make Doctor Hanen leave me alone." Todd's pleas were tearing into their hearts.

"Come on Pal. It's important that you talk to Doctor Hanen."

Todd let go of Viki's hand and pulled the blanket up almost to the top of his head. Despite the sweats he was wearing and the blanket covering him, he was still shivering.

Susannah took another blanket from the closet and covered him with it. "Todd, I want you to think back to just before you opened your eyes just now. What is the last thing you remember?"

Todd sighed. He knew she would not let him be and he realized Viki and Sam weren't going to help him. He let his mind drift back to those few moments before his suffering started. "Warm. I felt warm. Why is it so cold now? For all the money Viki is paying to keep me in this loony bin you could at least raise the thermostat."

They all smiled, at the glimmer of the old Todd that just popped out. "I think it would help you warm up if you got up and put on your robe and moved around a little. I think it would be a good idea if we walked to my office for a session."

"No! I want to stay here." He snuggled down into the blanket even more.

Susannah let it go for now. "Okay, you felt warm. What else?"

"Safe," he whispered.

"What made it safe?"

Todd looked confused. "I....I....I don't know...." Suddenly, Todd had a vision of a man. He gasped and sat up.

"What is it Todd? Tell me. Did you see something?"

"A m-m-m-man," Todd stuttered.

"Does this man frighten you?"

Todd's expression turned more peaceful. "No, he looks kind and safe. He looks like he....." Todd felt stupid saying it.

"He looks like he what? It's okay to say it. Tell me how he looks," Susannah pressed.

"He looks like he loves me." Todd pulled up against the headboard and brought his knees to his chest, but did not bury his head in them.

Susannah exchanged looks with Sam and Viki. "What did this man look like?"

Todd thought for a moment. "Tall, big, strong. Dark hair and blue eyes." Todd stopped for a minute and then continued. "His eyes," he whispered, more to himself than to Susannah.

"What about his eyes? Susannah prodded.

"They were so kind and had so much love in them. I just wanted to keep looking at them. I wanted to...." Todd's voice trailed off again as these memories and feelings flooded back to him.

"What did you want to do?" Susannah asked gently.

Todd hesitated. He cocked his head slightly as he heard the voice. This time it was different. The voice seemed to be coming from within, instead of from outside of himself. He wasn't afraid of this voice. He found it soothing.

"Todd, are you hearing something or someone?" Susannah wasn't sure. Although he looked like he was hearing a voice or voices he didn't seem to be in his usual panic.

"It's safe to say it. Are you hearing someone?" Susannah was sure that he was. He nodded yes. "Is the voice frightening you?"

"No, I like listening to it."

"Is it a man's or a woman's voice?"

"A man's. He said it's going to be all right. He says he loves me." Todd stopped talking and looked shocked.

"Can you see him?" Susannah wondered if he was able to actually see Goodone.

"No, but I know it's the same man. I remember from before I woke up. Who is he? I don't know who he is."

"Do you want to know?" Susannah asked, cautiously.

Todd thought for a moment. "Yeah, I....I guess so."

"Why don't you ask him his name. See if he will tell you," Susannah suggested.

Todd felt confused. He knew that he was seeing and hearing this man in his head, but yet he was real at the same time. He couldn't tell the difference and he was starting to feel afraid.

"Todd, don't be afraid. I'm here with you. I'm watching over you. I won't let them hurt you. I love you."

"Ohhh!"

"What is it? Can you hear him? It's all right, Todd, tell me what he said," Susannah coaxed.

"H-h-h-he's w-watching o-over m-me," Todd stammered. "He said he loves me," Todd continued more calmly. As Viki and Sam and Susannah listened to him, they could not believe he was able to remember Goodone to this extent.

"Todd, ask him his name," Susannah prompted.

Todd could not see him or hear him as clearly now. "No! Please don't go away," Todd begged.

"I'll never go far away from you Todd. I will always be near you. Don't be afraid. Papa will still be watching over you. It's safe to talk to Doctor Hanen and your sister and Sam. They love you very much. Papa is watching over you."

The voice was fading away. Tears welled up in Todd's eyes. One escaped and trickled down his right cheek. "He left, but he says he will watch over me. He said I should talk to all of you." Todd then hung his head slightly. "He said you loved me," he whispered cautiously, as if he were too afraid or too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Sam took Todd in his arms and said, "He's right Todd. He is telling you the truth. We love you. We love you more than anything."

Todd's shivering had diminished. He still felt slightly chilled, but that was more due to his hypothalamus not regulating his body temperature as well as it did some of the alters and his sensitivity to his anemia and low body weight.

"Todd, did he tell you his name?" Susannah asked.

Todd smiled slightly, to himself. "Papa. He said he was Papa. I wasn't afraid of his voice. He's not like the others. He�s a good one."

Susannah smiled. "Yes, Todd. He's a good one. He's a very good one." She then asked. "Would you like to get out of bed? You're already dressed, but you can put your robe on if you like."

Todd did feel like getting out of bed. "I'll fall," he murmured.

Sam realized this was Todd's way of asking for help. "Don't worry Pal. I'll help you up. I won't let you fall."

"Todd, I want you to swing your legs over the bed in the direction of Sam's voice. Then I want you to sit like that for a minute so you don't become dizzy," Susannah instructed.

He did as she asked. After a minute, Sam took his hand. Are you ready to stand up, now?" Todd nodded yes. Sam helped him to a standing position.

Todd felt a little dizzy and reached for the bed. Sam lowered him back down. "Todd, I'm going to take your blood pressure, you know this doesn't hurt. I'm just going to roll up your sleeve for a second. Todd didn't protest. His BP was one hundred over sixty; a little lower than usual and it probably dropped even further when he stood up. "Are you still feeling dizzy?" Susannah asked.

"No," Todd answered calmly.

"Okay, I'm going to take your pressure again." It was one ten over seventy. "Good, it's come up to what is normal for you."

"Nothing is ever normal for me," Todd mumbled.

"Oh, I don't know. I think we can find a few things. Now I want you to stand up again. This time I want to take your blood pressure when you stand. All right?" He nodded yes. Sam helped him up again. This time his blood pressure stabilized and stayed at one ten over seventy.

"Todd, I would like you to come to my office for a session." Susannah hoped she wasn't pushing it.

"No! I don't want to leave my room."

"All right, how about we help you to the chair?" He nodded yes.

"Would you like to put your warm robe on, Sweetheart?" Viki asked. He nodded again. Sam helped him on with his robe and led him to the chair and helped him sit down.

"Todd, can you tell me why you don't want to leave this room?" Susannah asked.

"I don't feel like putting on a show for everyone," Todd snapped.

"A show?" Susannah knew what he meant, but wanted to him to say it.

"I don't want to go bumping and tripping my way down the hall. It reminds me of the dream I had."

"Can you tell me about the dream?"

"Yeah, dreams are real important to shrinks. I forgot."

"They are to this one," Susannah acknowledged and smiled.

Todd seemed more rational than they had seen him in a very long while. He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. "I dreamed Delgado was here and I couldn't see anything and I kept tripping and falling." Todd's voice became lower. "I tried to get away from her, but I banged into her." His voice became a whisper. "I was so ashamed. I hated her seeing me like that. I just wanted to...." His voice trailed off.

"What did you want?" Todd didn't answer Susannah's question. "It's all right to say it. Nothing bad will happen if you say it."

Slowly Todd answered, "I wanted to die."

"Todd," Susannah began cautiously, "that wasn't a dream. T�a was here."

Todd sat, with a stunned expression, for a full minute. Everyone stayed silent, waiting for him to absorb what Susannah had just told him. "No! You're lying to me. You're lying to me," Todd whispered, more to himself than to Susannah. He was becoming visibly more upset. "Why are you doing that? It was a dream. IT WAS A DREAM! Viki, Sam, tell her to stop lying to me. T�a wasn't here. I didn't really do that. She wasn't here. Tell her. TELL HER!"

Viki took Todd's ice cold hand in hers. "Sweetheart, T�a loves you very much. She misses you and wants to see you."

"It's true, Pal. T�a loves you more than anyone on earth. She'd do anything for you. She�s never stopped loving you," Sam added.

Todd started to pull his knees in tighter. He wrapped his arms around them and started rocking. "Stay with us Todd. You can handle this. Todd, you're strong enough to handle this."

Susannah did not want him to dissociate. Todd wanted to go back inside. What he didn't know was that Goodone was blocking his way. He wanted Todd to believe that T�a loved him. It felt different to Todd this time. He was always so terrified of "going away," but now he craved it. He didn't know how to make it happen and he was starting to panic. His breathing was becoming erratic and sweat broke out on his brow. His heart started to race. His chest felt tight and his fingers and mouth started to feel numb. Susannah recognized the signs of an anxiety attack.

"Ooooh, I don't feel good. My heart is beating so fast. I can't breath. Ooooh, I can't feel my fingers." Todd was torn. He was terrified he was dying and he was hoping he was at the same time.

"Todd, you are having an anxiety attack. I want you to slow down your breathing. Come on Honey, you can do it, here." Susannah took his hand. "Todd, I'm going to put your hand on my diaphragm. I want you copy the way I am breathing."

"I can't! I can't!" He started to cry. Todd, would you feel better if Sam held you?" Susannah thought Sam's strong arms would comfort him and remind him of Goodone.

Todd wanted that but was to embarrassed to say yes. "I...I...don't know. I..."

"Come 'ere, Pal." Sam sat on the other side of him and took Todd in his arms and held him tightly. Todd stiffened, feeling awkward, but he was longing to snuggle close to Sam. "It's all right Todd. I love you. Boomer, don't you know that? I love you so much." Sam pulled Todd in even closer. Todd relaxed a little and leaned into Sam.

"Okay, Todd, now just breathe nice and slow. Like this."

Susannah took some slow deep breaths. Todd copied her. He was starting to calm down. Susannah was relieved. She didn't want to have to sedate him. Inside, Goodone was offering comfort. Todd couldn't so much hear his words as feel them. As Sam and Viki and Susannah calmed him from outside, Goodone calmed him from within.

"That's good. Nice and slow," Susannah soothed.

Todd's breathing was returning to normal. His heart rate was slowing down. His sweating eased. The tightness in his chest subsided, as did the tingling and numbness in Todd's fingers and mouth. Sam kept a tight grip. Todd wanted to stay in Sam's arms, but he was afraid that, at any minute, Sam would laugh at him or hate him for feeling that way.

"No, Todd. Sam loves you. Don't be ashamed. Sam's arms are safe, like mine."

This time Todd heard him. Todd relaxed completely. He rested his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam kissed his forehead, the way he had done to the �children� so many times. "I love you so very much, Pal."

Todd's eyes welled up with tears. He wanted to feel the love, but he couldn't. Something was stopping him. Todd pulled away. "Don't love me Sam. It's a mistake. I will disappoint you. I will hurt you. Don't you know?"

"Know what, Todd? What should I know?" Sam asked, gently.

"I can't be loved. I can't love and no one can love me. I'm not like regular people. I'm not human, Sam. Even if you think you love me now, you'll wise up. Everyone does."

"No, Sweetheart. Most of the people who have ever loved you still do. In fact, we love you more and more every day," Viki said, looking at her damaged brother.

"No, you'll wise up. There's something wrong with me Viki. You know that. There�s something wrong with the part of me that can love and be loved. Either I was born without it or it was ripped out of me. That's why T�a hates me now. That's why everyone hates me." Tears splashed down Todd's cheeks.

Viki took his face in her hands and wiped them away. "You know how much Starr loves you."

"She's a kid. She'll outgrow that."

"No, Todd. She will never outgrow that. Starr loves you not just because you're her father, but because you are kind to her. You are patient and loving and you make her feel special. No one in the world makes her feel like her daddy does. Sweetheart, you love Starr. You know you do."

Todd's tears increased. He thought of his little girl. He thought about the first time he held her in his arms and the last time, in the stable. "Oh, God! I do love her. I love her so much. I....NO!" He pulled away from Viki. "I love her now, but that will end. Love stops, Viki. It just stops. You wake up one morning and that's it. The love is gone. All you want is to get away from someone you supposedly loved. Love hurts. It makes you do horrible things to people. No, Starr is better off without me. If I love her now, I will either hurt her or I will stop loving her and leave. Either way, I'll hurt her. I'll hurt anyone I love. T�a's not stupid. She knows that."

"No, Todd T�a's not stupid, and that is why she sees the good in you. She sees the man who can be loved. She understands why you hurt her and she forgives you. T�a is very strong. She understands that it won't be easy, but she wants to be there for you." Susannah explained.

"She's making excuses for me because I'm crazy," Todd stated matter-of-factly.

"No! She doesn't excuse the things you've done. Todd, there is a difference between understanding why someone acts the way they do and excusing them. No one is saying that what you did didn't count just because you were sick. We are saying that we now understand your behavior. It is sometimes easier to forgive someone if you know why they acted the way they did." Susannah tried to get him to understand.

"And I did what I did because I am crazy! Because I am no good and crazy and stupid. I don't belong with regular people, living people. I should have died a long time ago. Then T�a wouldn't..." His mind drifted off before he finished his thought. He had a memory of T�a's visit. "You told her I was crazy." Todd stated, in a monotone. No feelings attached to his voice.

"No, we explained your illness to her. She understands and does not judge you. She does not think you're crazy. She loves you and wants to help you through this and see you." Susannah wanted to make sure he was clear on that.

More memories of T�a's visit flashed through his brain. "She doesn't want to help me."

"Sweetheart, how can you say that? T�a would do anything in the world for you."

"Not the one thing that would really help me. No one will really help me," Todd still spoke in a monotone, void of emotion.

"You�re right, Todd, no one will help you die," Susannah's tone was gentle, but firm.

It finally got through to Todd that he had really been with T�a. That his dream was true. The feelings of shame and wanting to die washed over him like torrents of rain. He buried his face in his hands. He remembered the feel of her hair, and the smell of her perfume, and being in her arms. He remembered hearing her say she loved him. "Oh no, Delgado, oh no." He cried into his hands.

He remembered making a fool of himself in front of her and the feel of her hand on his heart. "Why was she here? I told you I didn't want her here. You don't care what I want. No one does." Todd cried, never lifting his face from his hands.

Then it dawned on him that he must have gone away in front of her. "Oh, God! Did I hurt her? Did I? TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"No, you didn't hurt her. Not at all, in any way," Viki assured him.

"Oh God! I went away in front of her. Oh God! I told you I didn't want her to see me. Don't I have rights here? Can you just do whatever you want with me while I'm sleeping?"

Instinctively, Susannah knew by Todd's last statement that he was ready to hear a little more about his condition. He had been told long ago that he wasn't just "sleeping" during the times he "went away," and she just knew that this was his subconscious way of broaching the subject. "Let's talk about what happens when you go away, okay?"

"No, I don't want to. I'm sleeping that's all that happens."

"Todd, I think you know that's not true. Do you remember that we explained the DID to you?" Susannah didn't want to take his remembering for granted. She knew he had a tendency to block out what he couldn't face. Todd nodded yes. "Do you remember we told you about your alters?"

"Viki!" Todd cried out, reaching for her. Viki took him in her arms. At the mention of alters Todd started to panic. He hated that word and felt terror at the sound of it. He also felt like he belonged in a freak show. "Viki, no, please! I don't want to."

"Oh Todd, Sweetheart, I know what a frightening thing that is to hear. You feel like this can't possibly be true. You feel like you're being lied to and fooled. You also, feel like you have absolutely no control over your own life and what you do and what you don't do. You are terrified for the people you love because you aren't sure if you've hurt them during the times you don't remember, or if you've hurt yourself. You are also afraid you made a fool of yourself and can't remember. It is the most horrible feeling, to know that others have seen you and been with you, and you can't remember. It makes you feel scared, and angry, and totally out of control. You feel like you are the worst and stupidest and craziest person who ever walked the face of the earth." Viki gently rocked him.

Todd felt exactly the way Viki described. He remembered all the times he had made fun of "the people" running around in her head. He couldn't understand how she could be here for him now. How she could love him. If it was true that she did, he knew that she shouldn't, that he wasn't worthy of her love, or of Sam's, or anyone's. His tears were not just for him, but for Viki, too.

"God, I really am crazy," he thought.

The one thing Todd feared the most, mental illness, had really happened to him. He thought of all the times the people of Llanview had told him that. How many times had one or another of them called him a psycho to his face. Now he realized it was true.

He remembered a time he had visited Blair's mother, Addie, at Saint Anne's. He remembered how uncomfortable he had felt, at first, but then she gave him a music box. He had been so touched by that gesture. "Addie wasn't so bad, so maybe being crazy isn't so bad. No," he thought, "Addie is good and kind and she doesn't hurt people. I hurt people. I hurt them when I remember and I hurt them when I don't. There must be a good crazy and a bad crazy and I'm the bad one." Todd's head was spinning. He really wished he could just disappear.

"Viki, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made fun of you. I hurt you. I told the whole world about you in The Sun. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sorry our father was such a rotten bastard. I hate this. I don't want to be crazy. Make it go away. Please!"

Tears streaked Viki's face as she held Todd's head against her chest and stroked his hair. "Oh Todd, if I could make it go away for you, I would do it. I would do it." Viki continued to rock him as both of Victor Lord's children wept in each others arms.

Sam's eyes flooded with tears as he watched two people that he loved with all his heart share an agony that only they could understand. Susannah waited for them both to regain some control.