PREVIOUSLY

Todd fought the staff with what little strength he had in him. He was feeling totally disconnected from his body. He felt as if his arms and legs were huge balloons, floating away from him. He believed he and everyone and everything around him wasn't real. He felt the floor under him and heard Viki, Sam and Susannah as they spoke to him, but could not make sense of them. He couldn't tell he was crawling. Nothing of his surroundings made sense to him. He felt as if he was from another planet and everything was foreign. He couldn't communicate what he was feeling. He was terrified.

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"NOOOOO! NO DRUGS! NO DRUGS! LET ME GO! UNTIE ME! NOOOOO!"

"Todd, you're hurting yourself. You've tried to pull out the feeding tube and the IV. You're not leaving me any choice. I have to keep you safe. You haven't been able to calm down by yourself." Susannah kept her voice slow and calm.

"NO! . . . I'VE GOTTA GET AWAY! . . . THAT STUFF IS POISON . . . YOU'RE POISONING ME . . . OHHHH, THEY'RE NOT REAL! THEY'RE PRETENDING! THEY STOLE MY ARMS AND LEGS. THESE AREN'T MINE. THEY'RE TOO BIG . . . I'M NOT REAL . . . WASH AWAY THE DEVIL! . . . NO DRUGS! NOOOO! . . . WHERE'S DOCTOR HANEN? HE TOOK HER. HE TOOOOK HER . . . THEY STOLE MY BRAIN! THE TREES STOLE MY BRAIN! . . . NOOOO!"

"Todd, Todd! Shhhhh. I'm right here. Todd! I am Doctor Hanen. No one took me. Todd, you need to calm down."

"OHHHH, I'M GONNA TELL DOCTOR HANEN YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE HER. THEY'LL ARREST YOU. UNTIE ME! UNTIE MEEEE!"

"Todd, I can't do that. You won't be safe. You need to calm down. Just try to relax."

"NO DRUGS!" Todd couldn't see if they were coming at him with a shot. He desperately wanted to dislodge the IV and the feeding tube. He believed they were trying to poison him.

"Boomer, the medication won't hurt, Todd, it's just going to calm you down and help you sleep." Sam was desperate. He couldn't stand this anymore. He was dying inside. Todd's pain was overwhelming him.

"YOU'RE NOT SAAAAM! . . . WHERE'S SAM? YOU'RE PRETENDING . . . MAMAAA! IT'S TOO DARK. I CAN'T FIND THE CABIN. I'M LOST IN THE WOODS. IT'S TOO WINDY. I'M SO COLD . . . WHERE'S RANDY? . . . NOOOO! MAMA! MAMA! HE'S GOT ALL OF THEM. THEY'RE NOT REAL . . . I WANT BLAIR. HE TOOK STARR . . . NOOOO! . . . VIKI HATES ME . . . MAMA!"

Terry came in with the sedative. She quickly injected it into Todd's IV.

"NO! YOU'RE TRYING TO POISON ME 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL. I KNOW THEY'RE NOT REAL. OH GOD! OH GOD! I'M NOT REAL, TOO. . . . MAMAAAA! THESE AREN'T MY ARMS AND LEGS. GIVE ME BACK MY ARMS AND LEGS . . . . VIKIIII! . . . THEY'RE GONNA POISON ME. NO DRUGS!"

Todd didn't know the medication had already been administered. When the sedative started to take effect, Todd's screams turned to murmurs and he finally fell into a restless sleep.

It had been nearly seventy-two hours since Todd had been taken out of the art room. He had since been kept restrained and sedated off and on. Unfortunately, more on. This was the ninth psychotic episode he had experienced in that time. At times, like now, Todd would be out. Sometimes Willie or Peep would come out. They too were experiencing psychotic episodes and were in danger of hurting themselves. In between episodes Todd was detached, going into a trance state. He was not responsive to anything. They would put him in the chair and he would not move a muscle for hours on end. His eyes would stay blank. At one point on the morning of the third day he seemed to calm down and as soon as the wrist restraints were removed he immediately tried to pull out the IV and the feeding tube. Todd had been in restraints since then. Even with the powerful sedatives, his sleep had been restless. He was constantly struggling against the restraints. He was back on a cardiac monitor and on oxygen. These psychotic episodes showed no signs of letting up. He got no comfort from Sam and Viki's presence as he believed them to be impostors, as he did Susannah.

On the second day, they had tried calling Blair back, but this time even her presence did not calm him. Blair managed to compose herself while in the room with Todd, but once they stepped into the hall away from him, she lit into Sam, Susannah and Viki. "Don't tell me that he had a breakthrough! Look at him! What the hell are you people doing to him! I want him out of here! Viki, please, he's your flesh and blood. Don't let this happen to him. Don't let him suffer this way."

"Blair, Todd is having a psychotic episode. He needs to be protected from himself. Would you want him walking the streets in this condition? Would you want him around Starr in this condition?" Susannah tried to reason with Blair.

"Maybe keeping him here is what is putting him into this condition? I don't know. I don't know. I just know he is a human being. You are keeping him tied down like an animal. I wouldn't even do that to an animal. He doesn't want the drugs you're giving him and you still give them to him. Viki, how can you allow this to be done to him?"

"Do you think it's easy for me? Do you think I want to see all that being done to him? Don't you know how it is ripping me to pieces. When Starr was sick, do you think she liked everything that was done to her? Yet, you allowed them to do it. Todd allowed them to do it. What was the alternative? To let her die? You do what you have to, to save your child. Even if it hurts them, even if they hate you for it. Don't tell me I don't love Todd. I would die for him. I know what it is to be mentally ill and yet I wish it were I in there instead of him. I would go through this suffering for him in a minute if I could. I love Todd every bit as much as you love Starr."

Blair felt a rush of compassion and sympathy for Viki, but she did not agree that this is what was best for Todd. She knew it was pointless to argue with Viki and Sam for they truly believed they were doing the right thing. When Blair found out this episode started right after a visit with Tea, she headed straight for Tea's office. She was surprised to find the office locked and Tea nowhere in sight.

*****************

After Tea left the hospital, she sat in her car for nearly an hour before she could stop crying and trembling. She could not believe her visit with Tom had escalated into this. To watch that sweet, sad, gentle child turn into Pete before her eyes was bad enough, but to know that her being there had caused Todd to flip out the way he did was too much for her to bear. She also kept hearing Pete's words over and over again in her ear. "You'll be back. You know why? Because you'll never get Todd out of your system. No matter what you do or where you go you will always end up coming back. You are in this for the rest of your life, Delgado." Tea knew every word Pete had said was true.

As Tea approached the bar at the Palace Hotel she recognized a familiar figure sitting on a barstool, hunched over the bar. "Kevin?"

Kevin turned to her. He had obviously been drinking for some time before she got there. "Well, Tea Delgado, as I live and breathe. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean Tea Manning. Do you still call yourself Tea Manning or have you given up on him and gone back to Delgado?"

"Kevin, you're drunk!"

"How nice of you to notice. So tell me, what is one of Llanview's fine upstanding attorneys doing at a bar in the afternoon?"

"The same thing you are. Let me have a double Scotch and as soon as I finish that, bring me another. I have to catch up with my friend here," Tea said to the bartender.

Kevin was not so drunk that he didn't realize Tea was in a bad way. "Do you want to talk about it?" Kevin asked.

"Talk about it? Hmmm, let's see. Oh, okay. My husband is lying sedated into oblivion in his hospital bed because he realized I was in the room with him." Tea gulped down her drink and slammed the empty glass on the bar, letting the bartender know she was ready for the next one. "Wait, let me amend that. He now believes that my being there was just some nightmare he had, one that he begged them not to let him have again."

"Is Todd all right?" Kevin inquired anxiously.

Tea laughed. "All right? When was the last time you spoke with your mother?"

"A few days ago. Why what's happened. Is my mom all right? Is Todd hurt? Tea, tell me?" The liquor Kevin had consumed was not enough to stop his heart from pounding at the thought of something happening to Todd.

"Todd had a psychotic episode. He thought that he and Doctor Hanen and Sam and Viki weren't real. He is hearing a voice or voices that are telling him that. It is also telling him Starr will be hurt. Todd was so terrified that they called for Blair. She freaked out when she saw his condition and is now insisting that I do something to get Todd out of the hospital. I went there to see for myself what was going on. I spoke with Susannah and I feel as your mother and Sam do. The hospital is the best place for Todd. Tom was out and I had a visit with him. I became upset at the unbelievable sadness of his life. He tried to comfort me. Do you believe it? That sweet, hurt little boy was trying to make me feel better. I guess he became upset because the next thing I knew, Pete came out."

"Pete. Yeah, I had a little run in with Pete, too," Kevin admitted.

Tea was surprised. "What happened?"

"I was with Thomas. He became upset and Pete came out. He started pushing my buttons. He was pushing everyone's buttons. I was the only one to lose it with him. I told him everything that happened to him was his father's fault and he flipped out. He had to be heavily sedated." Kevin stopped talking and ordered another drink.

Tea had nearly finished her second double and ordered a third. "Pete didn't flip out when I was with him. I think he was actually enjoying himself, at least at the beginning," Tea acknowledged. She drained her glass and started to sip the third drink and then continued. "No, I made Todd flip out. Poor sick, tortured Todd. Things weren't bad enough for him. I know how fragile he is. I knew there was always the possibility that he could come out, just like on his birthday. Still I had to see him. I wanna tell myself that it is all Blair's fault, that she's the one who talked me into seeing him, but that is such bullshit. I wanted to see him. You think Todd lives in a make believe existence. You ain't seen nothing yet, buddy. Do you know I actually had this fantasy that if Todd came out he would be so happy to know I was there that he would just start healing. I thought that my mere presence would be a turning point for him. Maybe I should be in a locked unit? No, when Todd becomes really upset and frightened it's Blair he wants. She's the one he turns to. Why am I surprised? It's always Blair. You think you know me, don't you Kevin? What do you think of a woman who is so pathetically jealous that she begrudges her husband, her very sick husband, a visit with someone who can comfort him. Even if that someone is his bitch of an ex-wife?"

Kevin stared at her for a minute. "Why don't you tell me what you think of a man who might be entirely capable of hurting a child?"

Tea was drunk, but not enough to not be shocked by what Kevin had just said. "What are you talking about?"

"Tea, you know I have a kid, right?"

"Yeah, a little boy."

"A little boy I haven't seen in over a year and who I have only seen a few times in his life over the past several years. And ya know what? It's just as well. It's just as well I stay away from Duke and maybe I should stay away from Timmy, too?"

"What brought this on? Viki and Sam told me Timmy adores you, that he idolizes you. From what I hear, you're crazy about him. Why do you want to stay away?"

"My grandfather, the late great son of a bitch, Victor Lord, has left quite a legacy to pass on to his son and his grandson. He has left us both scared shitless that we are going to turn out just like the old bastard. Todd thinks he inherited his propensity for rape. Who knows, maybe I lucked out, too?"

"You're not serious?" Tea asked, slurring her words slightly.

"No? How far a step is it from mentally abusing a child to physically abusing one and then to sexual abusing him or her?"

Tea was getting confused. "Are you talking about your son?"

"Sure, why not? If I am capable of feeling intense anger and hatred at the body that houses a child I love, how long before I direct it at the child? I didn't even tell my mother or Doctor Hanen, but I. . . . " Kevin finished off his drink. He looked down at the empty glass and then pleadingly at Tea and said, "I wanted to hit him. I really wanted to hit him. I wanted to wipe that smirk right off his face. GOD! He is so sick. I mean he is practically dying and I wanted to hit him. What if I had? What if I had hurt him? That's Timmy's body, too. What if I had caused Timmy to wake up to, what, a bruised eye or jaw? To more pain? What if I had caused that little boy, who I love as much as my own son, to come back to even more pain?" Tears poured from Kevin's eyes. Tea took him in her arms. "You know I'm capable of it, Tea. You of all people know I can be a selfish bastard and hurt people. You are one of the people I hurt. You know how I went after Todd when Georgie died. It was personal. I didn't just want a story. I wanted to get him. I wanted to hurt him and to make him suffer. Pete was right. I was jealous. I felt my mother's love for him from the minute she found out he was her brother and I hated it. I hated that bond they shared. There was no room for me in that bond. I wanted him out of my mother's life and I wanted her to hate him as much as I did. I thought proving he killed Georgie was the best way to achieve that."

Kevin took another long drink and continued. "Can you imagine what finding Georgie's body that way, with a bat and work gloves in the room and blood all over the place, had to have been like for him? It was one of his nightmares come true. Then to be accused of a murder he knew he didn't commit? That was one of the things Pete was screaming about. That poor twisted mind of his thinks he is going to be sent to prison for killing Michelle. That is what he thought I was there for. He thought they were drugging him so we could all take him to prison. After Susannah had him sedated, as he was going out, you could just tell he thought he was going to wake up in prison. Pete may be paranoid, but he has this way of knowing what is in your mind and of getting to the truth about what you are feeling and spitting it in your face."

"Tell me about it," Tea told Kevin what Pete had told her.

"Is he right? Are you in this for the rest of your life?"

Tea ordered another drink. "Like you said, Pete has this way of knowing the truth."

"He loves you, Tea. Todd may not know it right now, but he loves you and he needs you."

"Do you know what I need right now? I need to dance. Come on, Kevin. Think we can dance without falling over?" Tea laughed.

"I don't feel like dancing now." Kevin just wanted to get even drunker. He wanted to get numb enough to stop feeling, completely.

"Come on, Buchanan. One dance." She tugged at his arm.

"Tea, stop! There's no music. Why don't you call a cab and go home?"

"Home?" Tea laughed loudly. "I am home. I live here remember?" Tea put both her arms around Kevin's neck. "Why don't you take me home? Take me to my room, Kevin," she whispered in his ear.

Kevin thought about it for a minute. He was not drunk enough to not realize what Tea wanted. He knew she was asking out of grief and if he let anything happen between them, not only would he hate himself, but also Tea would hate him and never forgive herself. "I think you can manage to find your way to your room."

"No, I can't manage to find my way at all anymore." Tea burst into tears. Kevin held her and let her cry. "I still love him so much. I knew going into it that Todd was disturbed. I thought I could help. Then I started to fall in love with him. I thought that I would be the magic bullet. I thought my love could save him. I thought I could do what Blair was never able to. I believed my love for him was stronger than hers could ever be. I saw how hard Todd was trying. Whatever I asked him to do, he tried to do it. No matter how hard or painful it was for him, he tried." Tea laughed sadly. "Do you know he went to Charlie Briggs to ask him what a normal marriage is like? Poor Todd. He has no idea, not in the slightest way, of what a normal marriage is supposed to be. He actually took notes and tried to pattern our life on what Briggs told him. He thought having a drink and doing puzzles and talking about our kitchen appliances was what married people do. He thought that was the way I wanted to spend the evening. He was like a lost child trying to find his way."

Now it was Tea who took a large gulp of her drink before continuing. "When I wanted to go away for the weekend he went along with it. Then once we were there I tired to pressure him into sleeping with me. God! I didn't know. I never suspected what had happened to him. He panicked and left the inn we were staying at. He tried, right up to that day in the cabana he tried. Don't you see? I want to be the one to help him, to comfort him when he's afraid. I want to be the one he turns to. Not Blair. You talk about what kind of person you are? I should be happy and grateful if Todd got even a few moments of comfort from his torment from seeing Blair, but instead I'm jealous. What does that say for me? Maybe we are two of a kind, Kevin? Maybe neither of us should go near him?"

Tea finished her drink and Kevin did the same.

"Let's talk about something other than Todd. How are you and Cassie doing?"

Without looking up from his empty glass, Kevin answered, "Is it too clich� to say she doesn't understand me?"

"About Todd?"

"About everything, lately. She doesn't understand why I am so angry with her mother for trying to sneak in to see Todd and try to get Blair sole custody of Starr. She doesn't understand why I am doubting myself. She doesn't even understand why I care about Timmy as much as I do. She has compassion for him, but she also keeps harping on all the things Todd did in the past."

"That doesn't sound like Cassie. She of all people should have a better understanding of mental illness," Tea stated.

"Well, maybe it's because my time has been completely taken up by what's happened to Todd. I am at the paper all the time and have taken over most of mom's duties. When I'm not there I'm at the hospital or worrying about my mom or Todd. I have been staying at Llanfair for the past few days. Ever since I lost it with Pete," Kevin confessed.

"Does Cassie know you've been staying there?" Tea asked.

"Yeah, she knows."

"Has she tried to see you?" Tea inquired.

"Nope! It's just as well. I don't think I feel like telling her what I just told you. Somehow I don't think she would think Todd is worth getting this upset over." Kevin looked at his glass. "I should be a lot drunker than I am. This isn't working."

"I am not as numb as I was hoping for either. Maybe we should call it a night?" Tea suggested. She looked at her watch. "Or maybe an early evening," she joked.

Kevin stood up and nearly fell over. "I guess it went straight to my feet," he laughed.

"Kevin you are in no shape to even get to a cab. I think you'd better come to my room and sleep it off."

Kevin looked at her. "Tea, I don't know if that is such a good idea."

"Don't worry, Buchanan. Right now all I want to do is go to sleep. There are two beds in my suite. You can have the small one."

Kevin thought about if for another minute. He tried taking another step and realized Tea was right. He was in no condition to even get in a cab. Holding on to each other for support, they headed up to Tea's room.

Kevin's head was spinning by the time they got to Tea's suite. He was grateful to be near a bed. He passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Tea threw a blanket over him. She did not feel well. She headed for the bathroom and threw up. She changed into a robe. Feeling more weak than drunk and like she could sleep for a week, she lay down and fell asleep herself.

Tea heard someone pounding on her door. She looked at the clock on the nightstand. She could not believe it was nearly noon of the next day. She looked over and saw Kevin was still asleep. Tea staggered to the door.

"Come on, Tea. I saw your car in the garage. I know you're in there. Open up!" She recognized Blair's voice.

Tea opened the door and Blair came bursting into the room. "Where the hell have you been I went to your office. I tried here and there was no answer. I finally came over and went to see if your car was here." Without giving Tea a chance to reply, Blair continued, "I should have known better than to tell you to go see Todd. What did you do to him?"

Tea's brain was still in a fog, but she still became alarmed. "What happened? What's happened to Todd?"

"He's been having psychotic episodes since you left. They have him tied to the bed and drugged. He's way worse than when I saw him. What the hell did you do to him?"

"Oh, God," Tea said, more to herself than to Blair. Reaching for the sofa, she sat down.

Blair was too angry and frightened to take Tea's reaction into consideration. "I sent you there to help him and look what you did. He is so out of it he didn't even know I was in the room with him. He was acting insane, going on about not being real and no one else being real and his arms and legs not belonging to him. He didn't know where he was or if he was in bed or in a chair or standing. You were supposed to go there to see about getting him released. Instead you drove him completely over the edge." In her heart, Blair knew that Todd was long gone before Tea came near him. Still, she needed someone to blame and Tea was it.

Tea tried to get her thoughts together. "I never promised to get Todd released. I said I would talk to Doctor Hanen and to Sam and Viki and see for myself how Todd was."

"Well, did you get to see enough? What are you waiting for, to see Todd in a straight jacket? Or to see him dead?"

"Todd was not in a psychotic episode when I was with him. In fact, I had a very nice visit with Tom. They told me he was very excited about my visit and really wanted to see me." Tea couldn't help adding. If they didn't already tell Blair about Pete coming out, Tea felt under no obligation to tell her.

"Well, Tea! He was not all right after you left. Now are you going to help me get him out of there?"

"Blair, calm down!" Tea's head felt like it was going to split wide open. She could not cope with Blair right now.

"Don't tell me to calm down. Do you have any idea how much Todd is suffering? I saw them do that to my mother. When I first found her they kept her in restraints. They kept her so drugged she couldn't put more than two words together. They didn't want to help her. They just wanted to keep her from being a problem."

"Blair, listen to yourself. Do you really believe that they are doing what they do to Todd to keep him from bothering them? Do you believe Viki and Sam or even Doctor Hanen would do that to Todd?"

Blair was quiet for a moment. "No . . . I don't know. I don't know what to believe. That's my child's father in there. He has no idea where Starr really is. He keeps thinking she is lost somewhere. But it's him. It's Todd. He's lost. Maybe he's lost to us forever?" Blair started to cry.

Tea started to go to her when they were both startled by Kevin coming out of the bedroom, naked from the waist up. "I want to take a shower, okay? I really feel like. . . ." The sight of Blair stopped Kevin.

Blair looked at him and then back at Tea. Shaking her head, her eyes blazing, she spat out, "No wonder you are so anxious to keep Todd locked away. You wouldn't want him cutting into your fun. Would you Chiquita? What better than to have Todd's money and have him neatly tucked away in a locked hospital unit. You get the best of both worlds that way don't you? Well Tea, I guess we all know that you can't go very long without a good fucking, but what about you Kevin? Isn't Cassie enough for you? Does my cousin know that you two are screwing around behind her back? If she doesn't she will now."

"Blair for God's sake! Nothing is going on here. Kevin and I had too much to drink and he came up here to sleep it off." Tea's words sounded hollow even to her.

"Isn't it convenient that you had a bed to offer. YOU ARE BOTH DISGUSTING!" Blair shouted. "You leave your husband in the hospital to die. And you cheat on Cassie every chance you get. Viki told me that you changed your attitude about Todd, Kevin. She said you loved Timmy. I wonder how she'll feel when she knows you are sleeping with Todd's wife while he is too helpless to fight you?"

"Blair you are making an ass of yourself. Nothing happened between Tea and I," Kevin insisted. His headache an equal match for Tea's.

"Now I know how stupid I was to come to you thinking you would help Todd. What did you do to him Tea? Did you say something to Todd to make sure he would become psychotic again? Did you find a way to guarantee that he never gets out of there? Well, you try your best Chiquita. I'll get Todd out of there and I won't need your help to do it." Blair headed for the door.

"Blair, wait!" Tea called after her. It was too late, Blair was gone.

"Oh God, Kevin. Go after her! Don't let her go to Cassie."

"Leave it alone, Tea. I swore to Cassie I would never cheat on her again. She knows the way Blair is. If she believes Blair then she doesn't trust me. I think we need to be more concerned about her causing trouble where Todd is concerned. My mom and Sam are suffering enough. If Blair starts causing trouble I don't think they'll be able to take it. Was Blair still upset over her visit to Todd the other day?" Tea told him what Blair said about Todd being so much worse. "I've got to go see my mom. She probably hasn't called me because she knew I was upset when I left and she wanted to protect me. Do you want to come to the hospital with me?"

"No! I think I did enough damage for now." Tea could not face causing Todd any more pain.

"Tea, don't let what Blair said, keep you away from the hospital, if you want to be there. I know you shouldn't try to see Todd, but the alters love seeing you."

"I know that. Not today. I can't do it today. I don't think they need my presence to cope with today." Tears came into Tea's eyes. "I don't want to see him like that, Kevin. Maybe Blair is right?"

"What!"

"Not about that. Maybe she's right about my putting myself before Todd. Blair was strong enough to see him like that because she thought she could help him. Viki and Sam are in hell seeing him that way and still they stay. Even you . . . I know you don't want to be near him now and yet you are going to be there for your mother, if not for Todd. Me . . ." Tea sighed. "I just can't. I don't want to have an image of Todd like that in my mind. I know I can't take that. I will lose my mind, too."

Kevin hated to leave her feeling that way, however he really wanted to get to his mother. "Will you be okay, here all by yourself?"

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'll be going to the office later. I still have responsibilities. I feel as if my life has stopped, but everyone else's hasn't. There are people in this world who do need me."

Kevin didn't know what else to say. His brain still wasn't functioning at it's fullest. "Do you mind if I take a shower before I go?"

"Of course not," Tea answered.

"Would you mind ordering some strong black coffee from room service?" Kevin requested.

"No, I'll make it for two." Kevin headed for the bathroom and Tea for the phone.

**********************

Kevin's cab pulled up to the hospital. He looked up and counted seven floors. He knew that his mother's whole life was wrapped up in what was going on, on that floor. Kevin felt extremely weary as he dragged his body to the elevator and pushed seven. He happened to get there during one of the times Susannah had let the sedation lift a little so she could evaluate Todd's mental status. Kevin could hear Todd's screams as soon as the doors to the unit were open for him. "My God! How long has he been like this?" Kevin asked Terry in a voice loud enough to be heard over Todd's shrieks.

"Since day before yesterday. The only time he stops is when he goes into a trance state or when he is sedated enough to put him out," Terry answered.

"Are my mom and Sam with him?"

"Yes, so is Susannah. She will probably order him sedated again."

"Is all of this hurting him, physically?"

"He's all right so far. Susannah has him on a cardiac monitor, as a precaution. He does need to be on oxygen and an IV."

Susannah stuck her head out of the door and ordered another sedative. She didn't even notice Kevin there. He noticed how tired she looked. He watched as Terry rushed to the medication room and filled a syringe and then rushed into Todd's room. Kevin stood at the door to Todd's room. His palm resting flat against it. He stood like that for a moment and then took a deep breath and pushed the door open a crack and looked inside. He saw Todd, restrained to the bed, hooked up to an IV, a monitor and to oxygen. Todd was still struggling and screaming. Kevin couldn't believe the things he was screaming about. He thought it was bad when he had heard Todd screaming about his mother. This was so much worse. Todd sounded totally insane. He saw his mother standing by Todd's bed. He noticed the tears streaking her drawn, pale face. Sam was standing at the other side of Todd's bed. He also looked worn out. His suit was rumpled, as if he had slept in it. Kevin wondered how much more they all could take. He saw Terry inject the medication into Todd's IV. After a minute Todd started to quiet down. He pulled his hand back and let the door shut and waited for his mother to come out.

It was only at Susannah's insistence that Sam and Viki left the room. They knew that after each shot Todd usually slept for hours. They still hated to leave him, even though they could offer no comfort to him in his current condition. Viki was surprised to see Kevin sitting there. "Honey, I didn't expect to see you here," Viki took Kevin's hand and kissed him on the cheek.

"Hi, Kevin. I'm happy you came. I think your mom could use your company," Sam said. He patted Kevin on the back. Sam then suggested, "Why don't I go to the cafeteria and bring back some food and coffee and let you two have a chance to talk? Kevin, can I get you something?"

"A cup of black coffee would be great. Thank you, Sam." Sam headed for the cafeteria. Kevin cupped his mother's cheek in his hand. "How you doing, mom?"

"I'm all right, sweetheart."

"I don't think so, mom. Have you been sleeping?"

"Yes, don't worry. I went to the lounge last night and I may go for a nap after I have something to eat. Honey, I'm fine."

"What happened to him, mom? What set him off like this? Was it Tea's visit?"

"She told you?" Viki was surprised.

"Yeah, Tea and I kind of cried on each other's shoulder yesterday. I may as well tell you before you hear it from Blair. Tea and I both had a lot to drink at the Palace bar and I went her room to sleep it off. Blair stopped by this morning and saw me there and got the wrong idea. Last I saw of her was her back as she slammed out of Tea's room threatening to go to Cassie."

"Oh Kevin, no! Do you think Cassie will believe her? Why are you here? You should get to Cassie before Blair does."

"Mom, don't worry. I'll straighten things out with Cassie. Please, don't add worrying about us to your list."

"Kevin, are you sure it will be all right?"

"Yes, I do want you to know that I think Blair is going to cause problems. She wants Todd out of the hospital. She thinks that being here is what is causing him to get worse."

"Yes, I know. Blair made her feelings quite clear. There's nothing she can do. She has no legal rights to Todd."

"Mom, be careful. Don't underestimate Blair."

"Honey, don't worry about Blair."

"Mom, what happened? Why is Todd so much worse?"

"Susannah thinks that Todd is starting to remember some things and he can't handle it. She also thinks that Saber might be the one frightening Todd into believing all the things he's saying. Or it might be a voice Todd is hallucinating. Kevin." Tears slowly slid down Viki's cheeks. "Todd is psychotic. Susannah thinks he is showing signs of schizophrenia or experiencing some kind of psychotic features of depression. She hasn't made a definite diagnosis yet. She is reasonably sure the alters are schizophrenic."

"Wait! You mean Timmy is . . ."

"No!" Viki quickly interrupted. She realized Kevin was panicking at the thought of Timmy being psychotic. "Some new alters who seem to be psychotic came out. Then things seemed to be getting a little better. Tom came out and was feeling well enough to want milk and cookies. He was so happy that Tea had come to see him. Then Pete came out. Finally Todd came back. One of the psychotic alters came out and then Saber came out and warned us he was going to hurt Todd. He did this. He threw Todd into this episode. Oh God Kevin, it just doesn't let up. We called Blair to come see him. He was screaming for her again. When she got here he couldn't even hear her. He thinks Sam and I and Susannah are impostors. He thinks he's not real. He believes his extremities are misshapen and not his. He's just not coming out of it this time. It's been almost two days and every time he comes back on his own or the sedation lifts he's just as bad. Susannah is concerned about his heart. He's on a monitor again. He needs oxygen. She says if this continues she's going to have to have him transferred to the cardiac care unit."

"I know. I looked in and saw the equipment. What does Susannah plan on doing to help him?"

"She wants to start him on an antipsychotic medication. A neuroleptic they call it. I'm afraid to give permission for that. The drugs can have some very serious side effects. Susannah says the one she wants to try has a very low incidence of these side effects, but she can't say that he won't get them. Sam and I don't know what to do. Todd has had a problem with almost every medication he's been on. I hate to do this to him. What if I make the wrong decision? It can affect Todd for the rest of his life. It can even kill him."

"Mom, I don't think Susannah would give something to Todd that could hurt him to that extent."

"Of course she is hoping that because some of the worse side effects are very unlikely with this drug, it won't happen to Todd, but there are no guarantees."

"There are no guarantees with anything in life, Mom. You can't let Todd go on like this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It has to be your decision. At this point, I would try anything to help."

Viki was quiet for a minute. Kevin knew she was thinking about what he had just said. "It isn't all bad news you know," Viki began. She was clinging to what hope she had. "Todd also made some progress. He remembered an incident of his father burning him in the fireplace. He had a partial memory of being locked in a trunk. Susannah feels there is some tie in between all of this . . . Todd's memories, the most recent alters to come out, his schizophrenic symptoms."

Viki went on to tell Kevin about the alters in more detail. Sam came back with the food and coffee. They were just about finishing when Susannah came out. She looked exhausted.

"His vitals have returned to normal. He'll be sleeping for a few more hours. Then I'll assess his mental status again." Susannah explained wearily. "Viki," she said, "you really need to decide if you will give me permission to start Todd on Zyprexa. I don't think we can put it off much longer."

"What choice do we have if you don't?" Kevin asked.

"To keep him asleep and most likely in restraints until the episode passes."

"What if it doesn't pass or if he goes into them more frequently? Do you just keep him sleeping and restrained for the rest of his life?" Kevin pushed.

"He can't go on like this, Kevin. Not only is he suffering emotionally, his body will suffer physically as well. At this point all I can do for him is to keep him safe and right now that means heavily sedated or restrained."

Susannah noticed Sam's eyes tear up. Viki covered hers with her hand. She just couldn't think about it now. Not at this moment. Looking at no one in particular, Viki said, "I'm going to the lounge. I need a nap."

"Yeah, I think I do, too," Sam agreed.

"I'll stay with Todd," Susannah told them.

They realized that Susannah was so worried about Todd that the staff staying with him was not enough. She needed to be close by. Susannah headed back into Todd's room. Viki kissed Kevin good-bye and Sam patted him on the shoulder. They headed for the lounge. Kevin took one more look into Todd's room. Susannah was standing near his bed. Todd, seemed to look tortured, even in his sleep. Susannah was stroking his head. Kevin could hear her soothing words. "Don't worry, Todd. We'll get you back. We won't let him win." Kevin wondered if his outburst with Pete could have, in some way, contributed or even caused this to happen. He closed the door and left.

*********************

Todd had finally settled down into a more restful sleep. Susannah asked Frank to stay with him. She went to the visitors lounge just down the hall from Todd's room. She sat in one of the easy chairs and put her feet up on the coffee table. She knew what was happening to Todd was very discouraging, nevertheless Susannah still felt hopeful. She still hoped that this was all somehow tied in to some of the memories of abuse getting closer to the surface. She knew Viki and Sam were going through hell trying to decide about the medication. Susannah laid her head back against the chair and closed her eyes. She suddenly realized that Bill was coming back to Llanview this evening. She knew that their dinner would most likely end up being take-out in her office. She didn't want to be away from the hospital while Todd was in crisis. Still, she looked forward to seeing Bill. She wanted some conversation that allowed her to take her mind off of Todd for a while.

The rest of the afternoon followed the same pattern. As soon as the medication started lifting Todd once again started screaming and crying about the same things and had to be sedated again. "Saber, if you are in some way responsible for this you are cutting your own throat," Susannah called out to him, during one of Todd's conscious moments.

Susannah insisted that Sam and Viki go out for dinner instead of having something from the cafeteria. She also encouraged them to go home for the night. They refused that, but did agree to go out for dinner on the condition that she call them immediately if there was any change. Susannah assured them that Todd would be asleep for several hours.

After they left, she checked in on Todd again and then headed for the doctor's lounge. Susannah showered and changed into an outfit she had brought from home. She had been getting into the habit of keeping some clothes in her office, as pulling all-nighters with Todd was also becoming a habit. As Susannah was drying her hair, she looked at her face. She noticed lines at the sides of her eyes that she hadn't noticed before. She was never one to look for those types of things before. Susannah never wore makeup. It always seemed like a waste of her time to fiddle with it. She also did not like the feel of something artificial on her face. Now, looking at her complexion, pale from never being outdoors, she was sorry she didn't have some blush on her or even some lipstick. Susannah pulled her hair back with a barrette. She changed her mind and let it flow loosely.

Susannah looked at her body. Her clothes were a little big on her. She realized that she had lost about ten pounds over the past few months. She knew that she had to start taking better care of herself. She took one last look in the mirror. Appearance had never been important to Susannah, not in the men she dated and not in herself. Though naturally pretty, she did nothing to enhance what nature had given her. Her attitude had always been, "this is me. Take it or leave it." Now, for the first time, she found herself caring about how she looked and she did not enjoy feeling that way. It made her uncomfortable. Susannah headed back to her office. She had been going over her notes when she heard Bill's familiar knock. She could not believe the way her heart fluttered. She felt like a schoolgirl.

"You are a sight for sore eyes, Doctor Hanen," Bill said as he took in Susannah's choice of outfits and her freshly washed, shining hair. It was just the thing Susannah needed to hear. The uncharacteristic insecurity she had felt about her appearance vanished. She noticed Bill had a shopping bag full of toys, puzzles, books and souvenirs. She hated to have to tell him about what was going on with Todd.

"So, you don't necessarily think this is a setback?" Bill asked.

"Not in the usual sense. It is extremely serious and has to be treated. But I just have a feeling that if I can get Todd stabilized we'll see some progress. I'm sorry that you can't give them all of the great stuff you bought. I'm sure when he's better and Timmy and Andy and the other children come out, they will love the presents."

"Well, it just so happens, they are not the only ones I bought presents for." Susannah looked at him. Bill reached into the pocket of his jacket. "I happened to pass this antique store and she just beckoned me in."

"She?" Susannah inquired.

Bill took a small gold box out of his pocket. "I saw her in the window and she reminded me of you. It's the structure of her face and the look in her eyes. Delicate and yet as strong as they come." Bill handed the box to Susannah. She met his eyes one more time and opened the box. Inside was the most beautiful fourteen-karat yellow gold shell cameo pin Susannah had ever seen. She could not believe he bought it for her. She was speechless. "The store owner said it's Victorian, circa 1880s."

"It's beautiful," Susannah whispered.

"Like I said, it reminded me of you," Bill began feeling suddenly and uncharacteristically shy. He averted Susannah's eyes.

Susannah took the cameo out of the box and pinned it on her blouse. "Thank you." She hugged Bill. As soon as their bodies made contact, they both felt as if a bolt of lightening had passed through them. They pulled away from each other, slightly. Bill steadied Susannah by placing his hands on her upper arms. Their hearts were racing as they looked deeply into each other's eyes. As their lips met for the first time their kiss was soft and gentle. They held each other tightly as the kiss became harder and penetrating. Susannah's body felt sensations she had never before experienced. Her mind was racing. Her brain was a tangle of mixed messages, fear, passion, panic, and desire.

Both Susannah and Bill knew this was not the time or the place. They pulled away from each other. They searched each other's eyes. "I'm sorry, Bill. I just . . . it's not the right time . . . I . . ." Susannah was near tears.

Bill took her in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder. He stroked her hair. "Do you know what one of my best qualities is?" Bill asked gently. Not trusting her voice, Susannah shook her head. "Patience. That is why I usually solve my cases. I am extremely patient. I understand that now is not the time for you to be making any life altering changes or to be giving up your time and part of yourself."

Susannah picked her head up and looked at Bill. She knew that he had felt what she had. That he could know and understand so well what was in her mind and heart just amazed her. No one had ever known her that way. Susannah had, had sexual relations with men over the years, but it was purely physical. She had allowed them to touch her body, but never her mind. The relationships were empty and unfulfilled. She basically went through the motions, never feeling the passion she knew was possible. Bill had not only touched her mind he had found his way to her soul. His very presence in the room set her body on fire. She knew she did the same for him. Her mind and her body were at war with each other. She did not want to stop. She knew she had to, for now. This was not the time. That Bill would know that, without her having to say it, just made her want him more.

Bill understood that Susannah needed to be near Todd so they ordered in. The Mexican dinner was put on hold, in favor of pizza. Bill told Susannah some amusing stories about his time on the force with the friend he went to see in Washington. Susannah amused him with some stories about her days in medical school. Susannah got word that Todd was starting to wake up again. As she had been doing, she told the staff to put the restraints in place and to hold off with any further medication until she had a chance to assess him. Bill went as far as the waiting area outside Todd's room with her. Sam and Viki were back with Todd when Susannah got there.

As he had before, Todd was fighting the restraints. The sedation hadn't worn off enough for him to start screaming yet. Susannah could tell this was going to come as soon as he was awake. Sure enough, the screaming started. Out in the hallway, Bill listened to Todd's screams. Susannah told him the things Todd was hallucinating about. To actually hear Todd screaming about them made Bill cringe. 'That poor kid,' he thought to himself. He saw Connie come out of Todd's room and head for the medication room. She headed back into Todd's room with a filled syringe. After a few minutes, he heard nothing.

Being told that Bill was out there, Sam and Viki came to say hello. They thanked him for going to Washington. He saw the pain etched on their faces. He thought of his own kids back in Chicago and was grateful that they were safe and healthy. He missed them and looked forward to seeing them. He did not look forward to leaving Llanview and Susannah.

About fifteen minutes after Todd stopped screaming Susannah came out of his room. Viki and Sam both looked up at her at the same time. "He's quiet. His vitals are within his normal range. Why don't you two go say goodnight to him and then go get some sleep? I wish you would both go home, but at least go to the lounge. I gave him enough medication to keep him out for the night. Most likely he won't be waking up until sometime late tomorrow morning."

Sam and Viki said goodnight to Bill and headed for Todd's room. Susannah knew they would be choosing the lounge over going home.

"My heart breaks for them," Bill confessed.

"They have pretty much given up their lives, for the time being," Susannah acknowledged.

"I remember a partner I once had. He had a sixteen-year-old son who was hit by a car while on his bicycle. The boy suffered severe brain damage. He was in a coma for months. When he finally came out of it he was like a newborn . He had to learn to do everything over again. My partner and his wife both gave up their careers. For a year, they never left this kid's side. They got him back. He was left with a limp and a few scars and some behavioral and memory problems, but they got their kid back. They got him to the point where he was able to graduate high school and go onto college. It takes him a little longer than other people to do things, but he gets them done. He wants to teach Special ED, and you know what? He'll do it, too. A parent's love and devotion can be an amazing thing. I know Todd will get through this. I don't just mean the psychotic episode he's in. I mean all of it. I fully expect to see that young man walk out of here one day and go on to live his life as it should have been lived."

Bill waited with Susannah until Sam and Viki came out and headed for the lounge. He knew she would probably spend the night either in Todd's room or on her office couch. "I'll be heading back to Chicago tomorrow. I should be there for a few days. I'm wondering how my kids would like to spend their Easter vacation in Pennsylvania?"

Bill surprised Susannah once again. "I hope they would like it very much. There's a lot to do here. There are all the historic areas of Philadelphia and Gettysburg. There is Hershey Park and the Amish country is only about fifty miles from here. There's some great shopping and great smorgasbords there and enough tours of farms to keep your kids happy for a month. There are lots of things in Pennsylvania that would be attractive to your children."

"And some things that are attractive to their father," Bill remarked and smiled. He took Susannah's hand, "I will call you from Chicago. I'll just bet you'll have some good news for me. I feel it in by bones, Susannah. I have great bones. Solved some of my hardest cases with my bones."

He was happy to have made her smile. "Well, I will be looking forward to hearing from you and your intuitive bones." Susannah kissed him on the cheek. She walked him to the doors and unlocked them for him. She then headed back to Todd's room, where she stayed for a while before heading back to her office for a night's sleep on her couch. Sleep did not come easy. When she wasn't thinking about Todd she was thinking about Bill. At three in the morning Susannah went to check on Todd one more time. He was restless. However he showed no signs of waking up. Susannah headed back to her office and finally fell asleep.

Todd's mental condition had remained unchanged throughout the entire next day. After nearly three days Susannah knew this was it. His blood pressure was starting to drop and his heart rate was increasing, beyond normal. Neither was at a dangerous level, but his physical health was starting to become compromised. Viki was going to have to decide, now, if she would allow Susannah to start the Zyprexa. Susannah hated to force the issue and knew the torment she was putting Viki through. Susannah had promised Sam and Blair and Tea and most of all Viki that she would not give Todd the neuroleptic unless she had no choice. Unfortunately that time had come. Viki had to make the decision and make it now. Susannah asked Sam and Viki to come to her office with her. She saw the fear in their eyes, as they left Todd's room.

TO BE CONTINUED

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