PREVIOUSLY

"Blair, I am not promising anything, but I will find out if I can see Todd or the alters. I will go talk to Doctor Hanen. I'll explain your concerns to her and to Viki and Sam. I do trust them and Doctor Hanen. Viki and Sam love Todd as if he were their son. They are not stupid or naive. If Todd weren�t getting the best of care, they would be the first to take him out of there. I do agree that I should go see for myself."

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Blair left Tea's office feeling as desperate as she felt before she came. She didn't feel like she could count on Tea for help. 'Tea will probably go along with whatever Sam and Viki decide,' Blair thought. She had one more stop before she went back to the penthouse to relieve the nanny.

Dorian was about to go upstairs for the night when she heard the frantic ringing of the doorbell. The maid had already gone to bed so Dorian went to the door, calling, "Who is it?"

"It's Blair, Dorian. Open up!" From the tone of Blair's voice, Dorian knew something was wrong. She hurried to open the door. As soon as the door was open, Blair rushed into the entrance hall. "How could you, Dorian? How could you have tried to pull something like that?"

"Blair, calm down. What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Todd. How could you have tried to pull a dirty trick like that on him? How could you have gone against my express wishes that way? What is wrong with you, Dorian? Don't you have a heart? Don't you have any feelings at all? How would you feel if someone did something like that to Addie?"

Dorian said nothing for a moment. She could not believe Viki had wasted no time in running to Blair with this. 'And after I went out of my way to help her! This is so like Viki. She's trying to drive a wedge between me and my girls.' Dorian thought to herself. "Blair, I'm sure that you were also told that what happened to Timmy was an accident. I wasn't even near him when he fell."

"I'm not saying you pushed him, Dorian! I'm saying that the whole thing wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been there. Isn't Todd suffering enough? He's not doing anything to hurt you or me or Starr. Why in God's name would you want to hurt him?"

"First of all, I never intended to hurt Todd. I was trying to help you and Starr and our family. Have you seen Todd?"

"Yes, I saw him earlier."

"Then you must know he is in no shape to still have custody of Starr?" Dorian reasoned.

"Dorian, Todd's custody is only a formality. He has nothing to do with Starr's life or any of the decisions for it. Todd is not trying to interfere, neither is Viki. They have not once, since Todd's been ill, tried to make any suggestions on my decisions about Starr. Why does it bother you so much that, legally, he is still considered Starr's custodial parent?"

"What if something happens to Todd?"

"Don't even say that, Dorian. Todd is not going to die. How can you say something like that?"

"Well, forgive me for being a realist, but Todd is very sick. Not just mentally, he's physically ill as well. Have you ever thought how fast Viki would swoop down on Starr if something were to happen to Todd?"

"Is that what all this is about, your stupid obsession with Viki? Why on earth would a judge give Starr to Viki when she has a mother?"

"Stranger things have happened, Blair. Who would ever think a judge would give custody of Starr to Todd?"

"Todd is not going to die. I intend to see to that if I have to take him home with me and get him out of there myself."

"Oh, you can't be serious? You would not think of bringing Todd into your home, where your daughter sleeps?"

"Todd would never, never hurt Starr."

"Maybe Todd wouldn't, but what about some of his personalities? Viki said he has twenty that they know of. How do you know one of them won't?"

"I know. Most of them are sweet, frightened children. They would never hurt anyone."

Dorian thought about Timmy for a moment. She was immediately haunted by his huge, frightened, innocent eyes looking up at her. She was almost sorry for what she was thinking, but she would not allow sentiment to color her judgment. 'I trusted Viki and look what it got me,' Dorian thought. "What about any violent alters he may have? Do you know that they would never hurt Starr?" Dorian posed.

"Yes, I do! Do you know why Todd wanted to see me today? Because he was terrified something would happen to Starr. He wanted me to sell the newspaper and run off with her. No matter what shape Todd is in, he would never let anything happen to Starr. You, Dorian, are a different story."

"Me? Surely you can't think I would ever do anything to hurt that child? I love her with all my heart."

"I don't think you would ever deliberately do anything to hurt her, but then again you didn't deliberately set out to hurt Timmy, but he still got hurt. You set it in motion, Dorian. You always do. It's like when Cassie miscarried. You didn't cause her to fall, but you were still responsible."

"How dare you bring that up? You know I would never hurt Cassie."

"I know you never meant to, but she still got hurt. You never mean to hurt anyone, but they still get hurt. If there is anyone I would think to keep Starr away from it would be you, Dorian, not Todd."

"Blair, you can't mean that?"

"Oh, I mean it. Stay away from Todd, Dorian. Stay away from Todd and from Viki. They are all suffering enough. Just leave them alone."

"I don't suppose Viki told you how much help I was to her and how I found what she was desperately looking for?"

"Yes, she told me. By the way, it was Sam who told me about you causing Todd to fall, not Viki."

In Dorian's mind, it was one and the same. She knew that somehow Viki was responsible. Blair picked up her bag and started to leave. "Blair, wait. You can't leave it like this."

"I said what I came to say. Stay away from Todd, Dorian. I swear. If you hurt him or any of the alters in any way, you will never see Starr again. I wouldn't want her near anyone who would hurt her father."

Dorian was stunned. She could not believe that Blair would speak to her that way, or that she would stand up for Todd like that after all the ways he hurt her. She knew that Viki had to be behind this. She must have gotten to Blair in some way. Todd was far too ill to be causing trouble and Sam and Doctor Hanen had no grudge against her. It had to be Viki. Whatever compassion Dorian had been feeling for Viki had walked out the door with Blair.

********************

Viki was sleeping on the reclining chair next to Todd's bed. Sam was sleeping in the lounge. Viki heard Todd thrashing about, apparently having a nightmare. She looked at her watch. It was nearly four in the morning. Dave heard Todd from his post at the door and was at his side before Viki even had a chance to call him.

"Wake up, Todd. It's Dave. Come on, buddy. You're having a nightmare." Todd continued to thrash and cry out.

Viki tried. "Todd, wake up, sweetheart. Baby, it's Viki. You're having a bad dream. Come on sweetheart, wake up."

Todd shot up to a sitting position. He was covered in perspiration and gasping for breath. He started to cry out, "no! Not the basement. No! I don't want to stay down there. Noooo! Mama! Mama! No, that's a lie. She is coming back. MAMA! . . . IT'S DARK! . . . DADDY, PLEASE! . . . NO MORE DARK! . . . LET ME OUT! . . .LET ME OUUUUT!"

Viki could not wake him up. Connie, Carl and Marcia had joined Dave. "Todd! TODD! You need to wake up now. Come on, honey. It's just a dream. Wake up. You're safe. Wake up. Todd! Wake up!" Connie called out. She brushed back the damp hair that clung to his cheeks as she lightly tapped them.

Todd's eyes opened. "I can't breathe," he whimpered. "I can't breathe!"

"Todd, it's Connie. Viki is here and Dave, Carl and Marcia are here. Everything's going to be okay. Try to slow down your breathing. Relax, and slow down your breathing."

"I can't. I can't breathe. Viki! Viki!" Todd gasped.

"I'm right here, baby. Try to do what Connie said, try to slow your breathing," Viki took Todd's right hand.

"Todd, are you having any chest pains or nausea?" Connie assessed him for any cardiac problems.

"My heart is pounding real fast. I can't feel my fingers and my mouth feels numb. Please, I can't breathe. There's no air here. Let me out. LET ME OUT!" Todd gasped.

"Let you out of where, Todd? Where do you think you are?" Dave probed.

"I don't know. I can't breathe. HELP ME! I CAN'T BREATHE!"

"Todd, I'm going to take your pulse and your blood pressure. You know neither of those things hurt," Connie said, taking his wrist.

"Todd, I'm going to put the blood pressure cuff around your right arm. Try to relax," Marcia informed him.

Todd's breathing was becoming worse. "I can't feel my hands." Todd was barely able to whisper.

"Todd, were going to help you to sit all the way up. I need to listen to your lungs. Dave, will you help me please?" Connie asked. Dave held Todd in a sitting position while Connie checked him out. Reassured that he wasn't having any cardiac problems, Connie told him, "Todd, you are having an anxiety attack. You have to slow your breathing down."

"Can someone get Sam? Maybe we should call Susannah?" Viki was getting frightened for him. Marcia went to tell Maggie, one of the other nurses, to have someone get Sam and call Susannah.

"Todd, Sam will be here in a few minutes and we are calling Doctor Hanen. Todd, can you hold one of your nostrils closed and only breath through the other?"

Todd sat paralyzed with fear. He couldn't move. Connie placed her finger on the side of his nose. Todd pulled his head away from her. Dave gently held Todd's head still.

"Noooo!" Todd cried out when he felt Dave's touch. His breathing was getting worse.

"Sam and Susannah are on their way," Marcia informed them.

"Marcia, can you please get a paper bag." Marcia rushed out for it.

"Todd, I'm going to give you a paper bag to breathe into. The problem is you are breathing out too much carbon dioxide. If you breathe into a bag, you will get some of it back and you will start to feel better. I want you to try to slow down your breathing," Connie repeated.

"Viki," Todd whispered, weakly.

"I'm right here, baby. Listen to Connie. Sweetheart, try to slow your breathing."

"I can't. I can't. I'm suffocating in here. There's no air. It's dark. Ohhhhh," Todd whimpered.

Marcia came rushing in with the bag. "Todd I'm going to hold a paper bag over your nose and mouth. I want you to breathe slowly. Just let your breath come easy."

Connie placed the bag on his face. Todd tried to push it away. Carl carefully held down Todd's left arm. Viki held onto his right one. "No! Sweetheart, don't. Let Connie help you."

Sam came running into the room. "I'm here, Boomer. It's Sam. Everything's going to be all right. Do what Connie tells you to do."

"Sam, I can't breathe." Todd's breathing seemed to be slowing down a little. Connie continued to hold the bag in place as Viki and Carl held his hands away from his face.

"Susannah is on her way," Maggie stuck her head in the door and announced.

"Okay, pal. Doctor Hanen will be here soon. Try to relax."

"I don't like it here, Sam. Please! Let me out."

"He's been saying that since he woke up," Viki whispered to Sam.

"Todd, where are you? Where do you want us to let you out from?" Sam tried.

"I don't know." Todd started crying. "There is stuff around me. I can't breathe. I'm going to die in here. There's too much stuff on me." Todd's panic was increasing again. "No! No! Don't shut it. Don't shut it. It's too dark." Todd pulled his right hand away from Viki. He didn't reach for the bag. He reached over his head. Carl let go of his left arm to see what Todd was trying to do. Todd seemed to be trying to push something up that he thought was on top of him or covering him.

"Todd, you're in your own bed in the hospital. Nothing here will hurt you." Carl assured him.

"I'm locked away. I can't say. He'll yell if I tell. Don't yell. Don't yell."

Sam recognized the child's voice as one he heard earlier. "Willie, where are you? Where are you locked away?" Sam asked. He looked at Viki.

"We'll drown. Look! The water's coming down. WE'LL DROWN! WE'LL DROWN! No air. No air there. No air there. No air there." He was short of breath, as Todd's panic attack had not fully subsided.

"Willie, I'm going to put this back on your face. It's just a plain paper bag. It won't hurt you. It will help you breathe." Connie placed the bag on Willie's face.

"Can't breathe good, like I should. He went away to make me pay."

"Try not to make him speak too much until his breathing slows down," Connie instructed.

"Hold me. You see. I'm real cold. Hold. Hold!" Willie begged. He looked at Sam with frightened pleading eyes.

Sam sat down next to him and put his arm around him as Connie continued to hold the bag on Willie's face. "I've got you," Sam spoke soothingly. He held him tightly.

Susannah got lucky and didn't hit any red lights all the way over. She made it in record time. They were all relieved to see her.

"Willie is out. His breathing is starting to come back a little," Connie whispered to her.

"Hello, Willie. Do you remember me?" He nodded.

"She said not to speak, not even a squeak. No squeak, no speak."

"I think we can take the bag away," Susannah told Connie. "Willie, are you able to breathe okay?" Susannah asked. He nodded again. "Do your fingers or mouth feel funny?" Susannah assessed his condition.

"Not sunny, not funny. Not sunny. It's dark. It's not the park. It's dark. It's dark. It's dark. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK." He shrieked. His anxiety was escalating by the second.

"Willie, you need to calm down. It's not dark in here. You are in a hospital room. It's very light. Look around." Susannah tried to orient him and calm him down.

Willie stopped screaming and looked around. "You're right. It's light. I like light. Light is right." He started to look frightened again. He pulled away from Sam, got on his knees, and started rocking. "Look! Water, through the door. On the floor. Too much water. Too much water. TOO MUCH WATER. LOOK! LOOK! BY THE DOOR. ON THE FLOOR. NO MORE. NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! Ohhhhh, we'll drown. It's coming down. Ohhhhh, it's coming down. We'll drown." He was now sobbing uncontrollably.

Susannah knew he was hallucinating water flowing in from somewhere. He seemed to be obsessed with it. She was also concerned by how psychotic this one was. "Willie, you need to calm down. I know you see water. I don't see any. If there is any water we'll wipe it up. It won't hurt you. No one is going to drown. It's safe. You need to calm down."

"IT'S DARK IN THE PARK. WATER'S ON THE FLOOR! HE'S MAD. BOY'S BAD. MAD 'CAUSE HE'S BAD. BAD 'CAUSE HE'S MAD. NO MORE. NO MORE! TOO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOR!" His screaming was getting louder. Susannah knew he would not be able to calm down by himself. She gave Connie an order for a sedative. Sam started to put his arm around him again. "DON'T HOLD. YOU SCOLD. YOU'RE MAD. I'M BAD. I'M BAD. OHHHH, TOO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR! BY THE DOOR. BY THE DOOR AND THE FLOOR AND THE DOOR! OHHHH!" He screamed and pulled away from Sam. When he saw Connie come in with a syringe. He tried to get off the bed. Carl, Dave, Marcia and Susannah were able to immobilize him without any additional staff. "NO SHOT! NO SHOT! NOT. NOOOOOT! LET GO! LET GO! NO! NOOOOOO! I'M NOT SICK. DON'T STICK. I'M NOT SICK."

"Willie, this won't hurt. It's not going to stick you, hon. It goes in the IV that's in your hand. You won't feel it." Connie spoke soothingly.

"NO STICK! NOT SICK!" he continued to shout, seemingly unable to hear her. Connie quickly injected the medication into his IV. They held him securely as he continued to scream about the shot and continued to hallucinate and scream about the water.

The sedative took effect quickly. They felt Willie's muscles relaxing as they held him. His screams turned to whimpers. Finally, his eyes closed and his body went limp. Connie took his vitals. They were within his normal range, including his respiration. Susannah told Carl and Dave to wash him down and put fresh, dry pajamas on him. He was soaked in sweat. Connie noticed it was time for one of Todd's around-the-clock feedings. She went to get the supplement.

Now that their attention wasn't directed at Todd, Sam and Susannah noticed Viki sitting in a corner chair. Her hand was covering her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks. Susannah and Sam exchanged looks. Susannah approached Viki and put her hand on Viki's shoulder. "Viki, he's all right. No harm was done."

"Just a few hours ago I felt so hopeful. Todd actually had a breakthrough of sorts. It was small, but to us it seemed like a miracle."

"Yes, Todd did have a breakthrough and what happened here in no way minimizes that. You know it is Todd's pattern to take twenty steps backward for every step forward. That does not negate the fact that he was able to see one of his alters. Yes, he was in a trance state, but that's okay, it is still very important, as was the fact that he recalled some abuse. He admitted to us and to himself that his father did it to him. Viki, that was so important. I feel very encouraged by that and nothing that has happened here changes that. Do you remember what Todd was saying right before he switched?"

"He was screaming and crying about being locked away somewhere. He said it was dark and there was all this stuff around him and he couldn't breathe," Viki answered.

"The storage shed?" Susannah guessed.

"I don't think so," Sam disagreed. "He seemed to be trying to lift something off of him or lift or push up something that was over his head. I just get the feeling it is someplace other than the shed."

"Dear Lord! How many different ways did Peter have of torturing that child?" Anger was replacing the tears in Viki's blue eyes.

"This alter, Willie, he seems to be having constant hallucinations," Sam stated.

"Yes, I'm afraid Willie is very psychotic. If he continues to come out, I do think I'm going to have to start Todd on the Zyprexa."

"Susannah, I'm not sure I can give you permission for that. It's too risky. How can I do that to Todd? If he developed any of those devastating side effects I could never forgive myself. Please, hold off on that for as long as possible," Viki pleaded.

"I will, Viki, but as I explained to you, Zyprexa has a much lower potential for side effects. There are much less extrapyramidal symptoms with it. Statistically, it is something like one to three percent. You don't have to think about it now. I promise I won't consider it unless I feel there is absolutely no other choice,"

"Do you think there is a connection between Todd having a full blown psychotic episode and all these new alters being psychotic, too?" Sam inquired.

"Yes, exactly what that connection is, I'm not sure of at this point."

"Do you have any theories?" Viki pressed.

"I'm starting to think that these alters hold memories of traumas that are a lot closer to Todd's conscious memories than most of the other traumas. As severe as these seem, they might not have been as traumatic as the memories that Timmy and Tom, and all the others that we've known about for a while, experienced. While these incidents might have been highly traumatic to most children. Todd's threshold for suffering was a lot higher. In his life, these incidences of torture, compared to others, may not have been as traumatic in some ways. I do think they were traumatic enough to cause a psychosis to develop. In a sense, these alters were only able to cope with what was happening to them by totally escaping reality. It is possible that their brain chemistry could have been altered. This is all just a theory at this point. I need to see if I can get at those memories. After what happened with Bad Boy, I have a feeling that I can get Todd to hook into Willie's memories, when the time is right. Four-thirty in the morning and an hysterical alter, was not the right time," Susannah said, smiling sadly. She then added, "It's almost dawn. I'm here for the day. Why don't I sit with him and you two can go to the lounge and get some sleep? Todd shouldn't wake up until noon or later. I promise to get you immediately if there is any change."

Sam and Viki looked at each other. They were both too exhausted to refuse the offer. "Thank you, for coming out in the middle of the night, again, and for everything," Viki hugged Susannah.

"Yeah," Sam said, nodding his head, "thank you."

They kissed Todd goodnight and headed for the lounge just as Connie came in with Todd's nutritional supplement. They said goodnight to her and left. Susannah sat in the reclining chair. "Susannah, you look tired, why don't you let me sit with Todd and you can go to your office. I'll be here feeding him for the next hour anyway," Connie offered.

"Thank you Connie, but I'm fine. I'll just catch a nap here if I need one. If I do fall asleep, I would appreciate you staying in the room and keeping an eye on him."

"Sure, no problem," Connie responded. She started the feeding.

***************

Viki was the first to come back to Todd's room at eight forty-five. Susannah was dozing in the lounge chair next to Todd's bed. Terry had come on duty and was giving Todd one of his morning feedings. He was still sound asleep. Viki whispered good morning to Terry, to not wake Susannah. "How is he?" she asked Terry.

"He's doing all right. His vitals are okay, and he's been sleeping peacefully. I saw that he had a pretty bad night, but that he also made some excellent progress earlier in the day," Terry whispered. She was smiling. She was so happy that Todd had actually not only remembered something, but that he had made a connection to his inner system.

"Yes, he actually saw one of the latest alters to come out, Bad Boy. He also remembered his father making him stand absolutely still for hours because he took a soda without permission and then he remembered Peter burning his hand in the fireplace because he rested it on Peter's shoulder when he felt faint." Viki's voice was a mixture of pride in Todd and rage at Peter.

Terry put her hand on Viki's arm. "I see that he did not dissociate right after he remembered. That is very good."

"He was very upset. He didn't want the memory. He wanted to make it go away," Viki whispered.

"That's okay, it's normal for him to feel that way. What's important is that he stayed Todd. He had enough inner strength to stay Todd," Terry replied.

"So, you do agree that it is encouraging?" Viki asked hopefully.

"Oh yes, absolutely. I think that was a big step for Todd."

"As Susannah pointed out, Todd's pattern is usually to take twenty steps back for every one forward," Viki smiled.

"Todd was abused for many, many years. It is not unusual for it to take a long time for there to be any progress," Terry commented. They heard Susannah stir.

"Sorry, did we wake you?" Viki apologized.

Susannah looked at Todd and then at her watch. "Wow, I've been asleep for almost three hours," Susannah confirmed, shaking her head.

"I usually find I'm able to sleep better when I'm right next to him, making sure he's safe, too," Viki confessed.

"How's he doing?" Susannah asked Terry.

"He's doing fine. His seven-thirty vitals were good and he has almost finished his eight o'clock feeding. He hasn't stirred.

Susannah stood up and stretched. "Where's Sam?"

"He went home to shower, change and check the mail. He also wants to buy another toy fire engine, in case Bad Boy comes back. He wasn't sure how Thomas would feel about sharing," Viki informed her.

Susannah smiled. "I think Bad Boy will really like that if he comes back." She felt the vibration of her beeper going off. The number had an unfamiliar area code. "Viki, do you know what state has a 202 area code?"

"Yes, that Washington D. C." Susannah knew it had to be Bill. She checked Todd's eyes and listened to his heart. "It's probably Bill. I'll call him from my office. Todd should be still be out for a while."

Viki smiled and said, "Tell Bill hello from Sam and me." She was happy to see how Susannah's face lit up when Viki told her it was a Washington area code.

***********************

"Hi there," Bill said, when he heard Susannah's voice. "I tried you at your place, but you had already gone. I didn't want to call you on your cell phone because I was afraid the ringing might disturb Todd."

Susannah appreciated his thoughtfulness. "I've been here since about four this morning. Todd had a nightmare and that led to a full-blown panic attack. We have some new little boys here," Susannah informed him. She then went on to fill him in on the latest developments. Bill could hear the excitement in Susannah's voice when she told him about Todd not only having a memory, but being able to "see" one of his alters and being able to talk about it. Bill was very happy for her and for Todd's family. Susannah did caution him that it may not lead to anymore progress for some time, but she did feel encouraged. She then asked him how he was and how things were going.

"My friend is going to put the Baker's name through the computer and see what turns up. He also has to be in Chicago on business in a couple of weeks and he will try to do some digging there. It's a pretty cold trail after fifteen years, although not impossible. He's good. If anyone can find out something, he can. Besides, having an FBI agent show up to interview them may shake a few memories loose. I should be back in Llanview tomorrow. Then I need to go back to Chicago for a few days to see my kids." Bill did not want to mention that he was planning to ask for a short leave of absence from his job. He not only wanted more time in Llanview. He wanted to avoid having any meetings with the DA.

Susannah had mixed feelings about getting closer to finding Michelle's parents. She knew it was necessary, however it was also something that would bring Todd's case into the open. Susannah also had mixed feelings about Bill going back to Chicago. She was happy that he was going see his children. She was sad because she knew she would miss him.

"So, if all is well, where do you plan on taking me for my homecoming dinner tomorrow?" Bill asked.

Susannah laughed, loving that Bill referred to coming back to Llanview as "homecoming." As usual, Susannah also felt some slight panic because she loved hearing it. "Oh, I don't know. Let's see . . . we've never done Llanview Mexican style."

"I hope that doesn't mean you're taking me to Taco Bell?" Bill kidded.

Susannah could hear him smiling over the phone. "I think we could do a little better than that," she joked back.

"Oh, before I forget, any toys are all right for the little ones, as long as there are no sharp edges or points, right?"

Susannah was touched that Bill was planning on bringing the alters back some presents. "If you're asking if a replica of the Washington Monument is a good idea? I would have to say no," Susannah laughed.

"No, I'm bringing that one to my kids, they're pretty indestructible," Bill laughed back.

Then seriously, Susannah said, "I think some picture books or puzzles of the area might be a good idea. Andy likes anything with dinosaurs. Although I don't think you'd find too many of those in Washington souvenir shops."

"No, only in the Supreme Court," Bill joked and added, "I should be back around five or six tomorrow evening. I'll drop my bags off at the hotel and come to your office. How's that?"

"That's great, and if we're not in some kind of crisis around here, you get to sample some more of Llanview's fine cuisine."

"I have to tell you, Doctor Hanen. So far I have really liked what Llanview has to offer."

"Well, there's a lot to be said for Chicago, too," Susannah answered with a smile on her face that Bill was imagining on his end.

"Bill, Sam and Viki said to say hello. They want me to thank you again for what you're doing."

"You tell them hello back and tell them there is no need to thank me. I'm just doing my job." Susannah knew this was way beyond being just a job for Bill. She knew that like her, Bill wanted to do everything he could think of to help Todd. They said good-bye and hung up.

*********************

Susannah was catching up on some paper work when her secretary buzzed her. "Tea Delgado would like to see you."

"Please, send her in," a surprised Susannah replied.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first. I was afraid I would lose my nerve if I didn't come here first thing," Tea confessed as soon as she entered Susannah's office.

"That's all right. You can see me any time you wish, as long as you don't pay any surprise visits to Todd."

"I wouldn't do that." Tea hesitated for a moment. "I do want to see him," Tea admitted. Tea looked at Susannah and saw she was surprised by what she had just said. "Blair came to see me last night. She was very upset over Todd's condition." Tea explained Blair's concerns to Susannah.

"Tea, I can't say that Blair was getting upset for nothing because that wouldn't be true. Todd is not in very good shape. He has deteriorated, physically, quite a bit since you last saw him. He also was not doing too well as far as any progress goes. However, I do have some positive news." Susannah told Tea about Todd seeing Bad Boy and remembering an incident of abuse.

"Th-that's very encouraging, isn't it?" Tea was afraid to make too much of it.

"It certainly is good news. It's the first step forward Todd has taken in a long time," Susannah confirmed.

"Then Blair was wrong. Todd isn't just getting worse here?"

"Tea, I won't lie to you. Blair had plenty of reason to be concerned. When she saw Todd, he was experiencing a psychotic episode. That is very serious. It is also something that hadn't happened to him before and it does worry me, as does the emergence of alters who also exhibit psychotic behavior."

Tea wanted the truth. Nevertheless, she did not want what little hope she was feeling to vanish. "You said he had the memory after the psychotic episode, right?"

"Yes," Susannah confirmed.

"Then maybe he's over it? Maybe it was just a one time thing?"

Susannah knew Tea desperately wanted to believe that. She had to be honest with her. "That is a possibility, but to be honest, I don't think so. I do think there is a connection with these alters and Todd's episode. I think their memories are a lot closer to Todd than those of the others. I haven't figured out in what way they would trigger a psychosis. As I get more information from them, or from Todd, I should know more."

"Blair mentioned that you wanted to give Todd an antipsychotic medication that is very dangerous."

"Well, I wouldn't say dangerous. There are a lot less serious side effects with Zyprexa. Unfortunately, it has the potential for some." Susannah gave Tea the same information she had given to Sam and Viki and assured her that it would only be given to Todd as a last resort.

"You said he has deteriorated physically. Why is that? I mean he is here in the hospital. Isn't that supposed to be prevented?" Tea tried not to sound too offensive.

"We are doing all we can to maintain Todd physically. Unfortunately, sometimes when someone gets sick, one thing leads to another. Most of Todd's problems stem from the severe depression he and some of the alters are in. It's causing anorexia. Food may also be a control issue for Todd. It's the one aspect of his life he can control. Anorexia is not unusual in DID or in depression. The pneumonia weakened him physically as well. We intervened, but it still led to all kinds of problems. Todd has also had several cardiac arrests, the first before he ever came to the hospital, when Pete punched his hand through the windshield of your car and then Todd crashed it into a tree. While his heart is not severely damaged, it does not pump as efficiently as it did. He is in kind of a catch-22 situation. He is so weak that he can't walk or get around much. Not being able to get around much has further weakened him. Also, Todd's blindness has made things so much worse for him. I am not so sure that it hasn't in some way contributed to his psychosis. Todd and many of the alters have expressed a fear of the dark. This adds to his sense of disorientation, confusion, isolation and helplessness. The blindness has shut him away even further into this horrible world he has forced himself into."

"I don't understand, Todd became blind when you started to bring up what happened with Michelle. You said that after the lodge the memories might have been closer to the surface and he used that as a way not to see them and to punish himself. You don't force him to talk about Michelle anymore. Why is he still blind?" Tea wanted to understand.

"I haven't been talking about Michelle any more because Todd has either not been around or has been too sick or too resistant for therapy. In addition to that, I don't push it because we are still trying to find out where Todd stands, legally. If Todd gives us some real evidence or proof of Michelle's murder, things may get taken out of our control. Commissioner Jackson is trying to find some way of proving that it was Peter who killed Michelle and not Todd."

"Yes, I know. Sam filled me in on that. But, Todd has stayed blind for months now. Why is he torturing himself like that?"

"Tea, you just said why, or at least one of the reasons I believe he stays this way. It is to torture himself. Todd believes he deserves to be punished."

"Blair told me that Todd is feeling guilty over the things that happened to Marty and some of the other people who were hurt, even me," Tea added sadly.

"Yes, Todd is feeling guilty about all the people he knows he hurt. His need for self-punishment goes deeper than that. It was ingrained in Todd's mind from he time he was a baby that he deserves to be punished. Todd does not refer to what his father did to him as abuse. He calls it discipline. Peter made Todd and most of the alters believe they were so bad that what he was doing to them was necessary. Todd, to this day, desperately wants his father's love."

"How could he want the love of someone who treated him so badly, who showed him nothing but hatred and who caused him so much pain?" Tears formed in Tea's eyes.

"Children need someone to cling to. Peter was all Todd had once his mother left. Even before that her drinking and depression kept her from really being available to him. So often children who are severely abused continue to perpetuate the abuse done to them. They reenact it over and over again. They cause others to treat them the way the abuser did."

"You mean like Todd doing things to cause every woman he has ever loved to leave him?" Tea wanted to know if that is what Todd had done with her.

"Yes, he has recreated what his mother did to him."

"But why? Why would he do that when it hurts him so much?" Tea couldn't understand.

There may be several reasons. One may be what we have already discussed. Todd feels that he needs to be punished. He doesn't feel he deserves anyone to love him, so he pushes those who love him away. Also, he may be pushing the people he loves away from him as if he is daring them to go. He is testing those who say they love him. He wants someone to say, 'no matter what you do or how bad you act I will not leave you. I will stay and love you, unconditionally.'"

Tea looked at her hands and nervously played with her wedding ring. "I guess I didn't do that for him? I tried, but eventually, I walked out on him just like everyone else. I didn't love him 'no matter what.'"

"I'm not so sure about that, Tea. You are still married to Todd, even though under the circumstances you could easily get a divorce. You are trying in every way you know how to help prove he didn't kill Michelle. You are concerned enough to come here. You are willing to do just about anything to help him, even if it's not what you want to do, like staying away from him. You still wear your wedding ring and you have put your life on hold," Susannah stated bluntly. "Tea, that sounds like love to me. And after everything you went through with Todd, it sounds pretty unconditional."

Tea's eyes searched Susannah's for a moment and then her tears started to flow uncontrollably. Susannah held her and stroked her head. "Doctor Hanen, you don't understand. Oh God! I'm so ashamed. Yes, I want to see Todd. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything, but the Todd I want to see is not the one in that room down the hall. It is not even any of those sweet children. I want my husband. I want the man who could make me come alive the way Todd did. Say what you will about him, there was never a dull moment," Tea admitted as she lifted her head from Susannah's shoulder and wiped her eyes. She allowed a little smile to form on her lips. "Doctor Hanen, I understand I can't have the Todd I want back right now. What I am afraid of is that I will never get him back. What if one of the children, or God forbid Pete or an alter like him, stays out forever. Will Todd just disappear?"

"Tea, that is very unlikely. Sooner or later Todd resurfaces. He wants to. Yes, sometimes I am able to get him back through hypnosis or just by calling him to the front. Most of the time he comes back on his own. He may feel that he doesn't want to be here and he may also wish that he hadn't come back, but his coming back spontaneously tells me that he wants to be here. He wants to try. Don't lose hope, Tea. Todd is trying. It may not seem like it, but I have never seen anyone try harder."

Tea knew that Blair was wrong. Taking Todd out of the hospital and away from Doctor Hanen would not be what is best for him, not at all. She realized that in this case Blair genuinely wanted to do what she thought was best for Todd. While Tea did have some compassion for Blair's feelings, she knew she had to make it clear to her that she was not to interfere in Todd's treatment.

**********************

Sam had come back and he and Viki were watching the noon news on the television they had asked Frank to bring into Todd's room. They heard a low groan. They recognized Tom's voice.

"Hi, Boomer, it's Sam. Viki and I are right here with you."

"Coach, how come my hand and arm hurt?" Tom asked groggily. He looked around.

"Todd's body got hurt because Timmy fell down," Sam explained.

"Poor Timmy. I'll draw him a picture and maybe I can play with him later and try to make him feel better."

"That is very sweet of you, Tom," Viki praised. She then asked him, "Does your wrist hurt a lot?"

"No, but it hurts. That's okay. I'm seven and Timmy's only four. I'll let it hurt me. Viki, I'm thirsty. Can I have some chocolate milk? Please!"

"Oh sweetheart, of course you can. I'll get it for you right away." Viki was thrilled that he asked for it.

"Would you like something to eat with it? We can get you some pizza or spaghetti or anything else you like." Sam tried to tempt him.

Tom curled up his nose at the suggestion of any of that.

"Then how about some cookies? There are Oreo's, animal crackers and peanut butter cookies," Viki tried to coax him.

Tom brightened up a little. "Oreo's. I like Oreo's."

Viki looked at Sam. Neither of them ever dreamed that a simple thing like a child asking for cookies and milk would make them so happy. "Tom, I will be right back with your chocolate milk and cookies," Viki promised. She stroked his cheek before she left.

"Coach, can I get out of bed?"

"I'm not sure, Boomer. I'll let Doctor Hanen know you're here and that you want to try to get up, okay?"

Tom nodded. He saw the TV in the room. "Can I watch cartoons?"

"Sure you can, Boomer." Sam was hoping it wasn't his imagination that Tom seemed more alert and calmer than he had been in recent times. That he asked for chocolate milk and took some interest in the cookies also seemed encouraging.

Viki saw Tea and Susannah walking down the hall together. She was surprised to see Tea there. She walked up to them and hugged Tea. "You're a surprise. Did you come to see Susannah, Sam or me?"

"All of you really," Tea answered and told Viki about Blair's visit.

"I know Blair left here very upset. Todd was in a bad way when she saw him. I can understand her panicking. She is terrified for him," Viki stated.

"Blair isn't going to like it when I tell her that I agree that Todd should stay here," Tea admitted.

"I know that," Viki agreed. "We will just have to get her to understand."

"Viki, you do know that it doesn't really matter what Blair wants. She has no legal right to make any decisions for Todd." Tea wanted to make sure Viki realized that.

"Yes, I know. Honey, she does care about him and she is Starr's mother. That gives her some right to at least have an opinion."

Tea wished that Viki didn't feel that way. She did not want Blair to be involved in Todd's life.

"I do have some more good news," Viki said to both Tea and Susannah. "Tom is out and not only is he calm, he want cookies and chocolate milk."

"That is good news," Susannah agreed.

"Do you think I could . . . well, that I should see him?" Tea asked timidly.

"Why don't we let him have his snack first and let me examine him and then I will ask him if he wants to see you. Is that all right? Do you have the time to wait?" Susannah asked.

"Of course I do. I'll go get a cup of coffee and I will come back in about a half an hour. Do you think that is enough time?"

"Tea, that would be great, thank you," Susannah replied.

Susannah went to see Tom while Viki got his snack. He was happy to see her and turned his attention away from the TV. "Hi, honey. It's nice to see you. How are you feeling?"

"My hand and arm hurt 'cause Todd's body got hurt."

"I know. Does it hurt a lot?"

"No. Can I get up? I want to go to the art room and paint a picture for Timmy 'cause he fell down."

"Tom, I�m not sure if you can make it to the art room, but we can try." Susannah answered and stroked his head.

Viki came in with his milk and cookies. "Can we try now?" Tom was eager. He started to swing his legs off the bed.

"Why don't you have your snack first and then we will get you to the chair. Then we'll try for the art room. Okay, honey?"

"Okay," Tom agreed. "Is it still Christmas? My dad don't want me to help with the tree. He says I do a lousy job and make the tree look like . . . I don't want to say that word 'cause my mom don't like me to. Is my dad in the living room putting up the tree?"

They realized he was disoriented to time and place. "Tom, tell me where you are?"

"My room in the hospital."

"That's right. Do you remember where the hospital is?"

Tom thought for a minute and then looked confused. "Don't get mad at me," he begged

"Honey, we're not mad at you. It's all right. You're just a little confused."

Tom looked at his left wrist. He saw the compression bandage. "Where's my watch? Where's my watch!" He was starting to panic.

"Here, Boomer. It's right here," Sam reached into the night table drawer. He handed Tom his watch.

Tom looked at it. He pressed the button and heard the time and date. He sighed with relief. "It's not Christmas, that's good. I don't like it except at Viki's. I remember!" Tom exclaimed. He turned to Viki and Sam. "Me and Timmy got to come home for Christmas and you let us decorate the tree by ourselves and you liked the way we did it and we were real good and I helped with Timmy and Santa thought we were good and got us lots of presents. I remember good. Right? That wasn't a dream?"

"No, sweetheart. That wasn't a dream. We loved the way you and Timmy decorated the tree and we were so happy that you were both there with us. Santa loves both of you and he thinks you are very, very good boys." Viki reminded him. She sat next to him and hugged him.

"Coach, can you put my watch on my right hand for me?"

Sam took it and fastened it for him. "Tom, why don't you eat your snack and then we'll go to the chair, okay?" Susannah suggested.

Tom nodded and took a cookie. He finished the milk and had three Oreo's. Wiping the milk mustache from above his lip with the back of his hand, he announced, "all done. Can I go to the art room now?"

"We'll try," Susannah agreed. She decided to broach the subject of Tea. "Tom, there is something I want to ask you. Would you like to have a visit with Tea?"

"TEA! I love Tea. Tea's gonna come to see me?"

Susannah grinned at his response. "Yes, honey. She would like to. She's here in the hospital and can be here very soon."

"I can show her my watch . . . she can help me paint a picture for Timmy . . . and we can do a puzzle . . . and play some games . . . and. . . ."

"Hold it there, Boomer," Sam laughed. "You're going to wear Tea out."

"No Coach, Tea likes to have fun. I thought she was mad at me because she never comes to see me, but maybe she was just mad at Todd."

They didn't know Tom felt that way. They wondered how many other fears and concerns the alters kept to themselves. "Tom, Tea isn't angry with you or Todd. Honey, it's just that Todd gets kind of upset when Tea comes because he doesn't want her to see him sick. Tea stayed away so she wouldn't upset Todd if he came out," Susannah explained.

Tom looked like he was looking for something. "I don't see Todd. I think he's hiding. It's okay for Tea to visit."

Susannah smiled. "Why don't we get you out of bed and get your warm robe on and see if we can get to the chair? By then Tea should be back," Susannah suggested and started to take the bag of cookies and the empty cup off of the table.

"No wait," Tom called out. He reached in for a handful of Oreo's. "I want to give some to Tea." He handed them to Viki and asked, "Can you hold them for me until Tea gets here?"

"Of course, baby. I'll get a plate for them and bring them right back." She kissed the top of Tom's head. "You are such a good boy. I love you very, very much."

Tom smiled and hugged her. "I love you, too. I'm real glad you're my sister."

"So am I, sweetheart. So am I." Viki went to get the plate. She was really happy that Tea chose today to come to the hospital. She hoped with all her heart that she and Tom would have a nice visit without incident.

TO BE CONTINUED

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