PREVIOUSLY

Pete tried to free himself from the hold he was in but could not move. He saw Terry inject the medication into the IV that was connected to Todd's arm. "NOOOO! YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DIIIIIIID!" Pete howled in protest. Then he started to laugh. "Viki, oh Viki, you must really hate your brother. You're just like the rest of them. You want to destroy him. You want to leave him and let them hurt him. You're just like the rest of them. Just like them. Just like them." Pete's voice was low. His words were becoming slurred.

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Doctor Williams carefully examined Todd. He did not suspect any further damage had been done to Todd's heart. He assured Sam and Kevin and Viki of that. He told Susannah that rest was the best thing for him for now. He also left orders for Todd to be kept on oxygen until his O2 saturation was up to at least 98 percent. Susannah was as relieved as the rest of them. She was grateful for the second opinion. She left Kevin and Viki and Sam to talk and headed back to Todd's room.

Kevin was still very upset. He could not get past the fact that as soon as Pete came out his feelings reverted to anger and almost hatred of Todd. Now, that he was calmer, he knew he did not hate Todd and still felt tremendous compassion for all that Todd had been through. Kevin was sure he still felt nothing but love for Timmy, but he no longer trusted himself around him. He was terrified that, like his grandfather and like Peter Manning, there was a part of him that would be capable of hurting Timmy. Kevin was tremendously relieved that, physically, no harm was done. Still, he could not forget Pete's words. He knew that what little trust Pete had in Sam and Viki and Susannah had been washed away. He also knew that somewhere inside, Pete was convinced he would be going to prison for a murder he didn't commit. Kevin really wanted to get out of there.

"Mom, are you really all right?" Kevin asked Viki.

"Honey, I'm fine. What about you? You look like you could use someone to talk to. If you don't want to talk to me how about talking to Susannah or Sam?"

"Mom, please. Don't worry about me. I just need to be alone and think some things through. Mom, you look tired, why don't you go home and get some rest. Susannah said he will sleep for several hours."

"I'll take a nap in the lounge," Viki assured Kevin.

Sam walked to where they stood. He placed his arm on Kevin's shoulder. "You know it wasn't your fault. Pete gets like that. You heard what Susannah said. Pete may still think it's right after Rachel confessed. They all tend to get a little confused about time. I don't think any of them have the slightest idea how long they've been here. Don't take it personally, Kevin. Pete tends to lash out at everyone."

Kevin patted Sam on the back. "I hope you will remember that, too."

"So do I," Viki said, and then added, "Sam, you know how much Todd loves you and needs you. I know the things Pete said hurt. He was feeling vulnerable and that terrifies him. It twists his mind into thinking we are all out to get him. Those feelings have often leaked over to Todd, but Pete takes them to the extreme."

"I know." Sam agreed sadly. "That is the thing about Pete. There is always a grain of truth in what he says. He may be paranoid, but what he feels always stems from this little grain of truth. He has this way of leaving us to examine our own feelings and motives. Doesn't he?" Sam asked rhetorically, with a sad, ironic smile on his lips.

"Are you two really all right?" Kevin was worried.

"Sweetheart, we're fine," Viki answered for both of them.

"Then I'll be going. I really need to get out of here."

"Okay, honey. I'll call you if there are any changes," Viki said, hugging her son.

"Sam, you do know that Todd loves you and wants you to be the father he never had?" Viki asked as soon as Kevin left.

"Yeah, I know. I also know he has every right in the world to be angry with me and to expect me to allow him to stay in a situation that hurts him. Viki, I really don't want to talk about this anymore right now. Can I get you something? Do you need something from home or from the gift shop or cafeteria?"

"No, I'm fine. Do you want to get something for yourself or just get out of here for a while?"

"No, I really want to go back and sit with Todd and just be there for him."

Viki thought Sam could use some time alone with Todd. "I think I will go to the lounge for that nap. Promise you'll get me immediately, if there are any changes or if he calls for me?"

"What do you think?" Sam asked, lightly kissing Viki's lips.

Viki caressed Sam's cheek and said, "you do know that Todd could not ask for a better father than you? I hope you realize how much both Todd and I want you in our life."

Sam nodded. Viki noticed tears in his eyes. She kissed him and headed for the lounge.

Sam went back to Todd's room. Susannah was sitting in a chair writing in Todd's chart. Sam looked at it. It was nearly as thick as the Manhattan phone book. He wondered if Todd would ever get well. "Viki went to take a nap," Sam informed Susannah.

"Good, she needs some rest. So do you, Sam. Why don't you join her? I'll stay here with Todd," Susannah suggested.

"Nah, I think I'll just rest here for a while. Are you sure he's no worse?" Sam pressed, looking over toward the bed.

"He'll be okay. He just did too much. Todd's body was not ready for Pete," Susannah stated.

"Look at him." Sam nodded in Todd's direction. "You can tell Pete is the one still in there. Look at his face. Even in sleep, there is hardness to it. Even after all this time it never ceases to amaze me how individual each of them are. I don't know how we missed it all these years?"

"You weren't looking for it. Most of the alters were trying to pretend to be Todd," Susannah explained.

"Yeah, I guess so. Susannah, you don't have to sit here with me." Susannah could tell that Sam wanted to be alone with "his son."

"I do have some paper work I need to catch up on."

"I guess Todd keeps you pretty busy," Sam stated.

"Yeah, he does," Susannah admitted, stroking Todd's head. She then left Sam and Todd to themselves.

Sam busied himself with some paperwork of his own. He sat in the reclining chair he had pulled next to Todd's bed. A couple of hours had gone by. Sam heard Todd's body crying out and thrashing slightly in his sleep. Sam couldn't tell if it was still Pete. He just stroked his head and spoke comfortingly to him. He soon quieted down and continued sleeping. After a while Sam fell asleep. He didn't realize how much time had passed when he heard a low moan. Sam saw Todd's hands reach into the air to see if anyone or anything was round and knew that he had come back. "Todd, it's Sam. It's okay, pal. You're still in the hospital. You're safe."

"Sam? Ooooh, it hurts."

"Is your wrist hurting you, Boomer?"

"Everything hurts, my wrist and mouth and head. What happened? Why does everything hurt?"

"You fell down, Todd. I know it hurts, but you're going to be fine. I'll get Connie, she can give you something for the pain."

"NO! Sam, don't. Please!" Todd reached up with his right hand and pulled the oxygen mask off his face.

Sam held on to his hand with one hand and put the mask back with the other. "Leave that on your face, Boomer. It's helping you breathe."

"No, take it off! I don't like anything covering my face. Take it away. I can't talk with that on."

"Todd, I can hear you just fine. Relax."

Dave saw what was happening. He called to Connie to let Susannah know Todd was awake. He then joined Sam. He held down Todd's left and injured arm while Sam continued to hold down the right one. Todd was too weak to kick out. "Take it easy, Todd. It's Dave. I'm going to help keep you safe. You're only breathing oxygen. It won't hurt you. You need it to help you breathe."

Todd moved slightly and moaned in pain again. "Please take this off my face," he begged then cried out. "Ohhh, it hurts all over."

"Todd, there's no reason for you to suffer. Let them give you some pain medication." Sam tried to reason with him. Todd started to laugh an eerie laugh. "What is it, pal? Why are you laughing?"

"No reason for me to suffer? Sam, who do you know who should be suffering more than me?"

"Todd, that's not true. You don't deserve any of the bad things that have happened to you. You don't, Boomer?"

"No? Ask Carol Swift. Ask Marty Saybrooke. Ask Suede Pruitt, or Rebecca Lewis. How about Nora, Sam? Ask Nora. Better yet, ask Tea. Ask almost anyone." Todd continued to laugh.

Sam was getting very concerned. Todd tried to move and yelped in pain.

"Todd, if you want to turn on your side, let me know and I'll help you," Dave instructed gently.

"Viki?" Todd called out.

"She's not here, pal. Viki is taking a nap in the lounge. I'll get her she'll be right here."

"No, she's not there. She won't come. She went away. She hates me, Sam. She hates me. She sent me away."

"Todd, Viki loves you more than anything in the whole world. She could never hate you."

"She sent me away. She knows I'm bad and I should suffer. That's why she sent me away. She knows I'm bad."

Susannah heard the last thing Todd said as she walked into the room. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Viki doesn't hate you. Viki is just taking a nap on the other side of the unit. I'll call her and she'll be right here."

"Take this off my face," Todd pleaded.

Susannah checked his O2 levels. "All right, we can get rid of this," Susannah said as she gently lifted Todd's head and removed the oxygen.

"Susannah, he's in a lot of pain from his injuries. He doesn't want any medication." Sam informed Susannah.

"Todd, can you tell me what is hurting?" Susannah asked.

"Everything. My arm and head and mouth. Sam said I fell down. I don't remember?" Todd replied in a confused tone.

"Yes, you fell. Do you want to talk about not remembering?"

"NO! Is my arm broken? I had a broken arm before. It felt different."

"No, your wrist is sprained. You have a mild concussion and your lip has some stitches in it. Todd, I would like to give you some medication for the pain."

"No! Let it hurt. It should hurt. I hurt people. I should be hurt. That's why Viki hates me. She knows I'm bad. That's why she sent me away. I was there. I found her, but she knows I'm bad. She knows."

Sam and Susannah looked at each other. "Todd, I'm going to get someone to get Viki. She'll be here in a few minutes. Would you like to try to sit in a chair?" Todd nodded. Susannah had someone call Viki. "Okay, Todd, let's get you into a sitting position." As Susannah and Sam helped him to sit up Todd moaned loudly. They knew his arm was hurting a lot. Pete had re-injured it when he put pressure on it. "Todd, you need some pain medication. I'm going to have Connie bring you something."

Todd felt for Susannah's hand. "NO! I want it to hurt. Leave me alone."

Susannah knew she could inject some pain med into his IV and he would not know it, but she didn't want to have to do that. "Okay, I'll let the medication go for now. I'm going to help you swing your legs over the side of the bed, okay?" Todd nodded again. After he was sitting that way for a few minutes Susannah asked, "do you feel dizzy or lightheaded?"

"No, I want to get up," Todd said, feeling the air for something to grab on to.

"Todd, Dave and Carl are going to help you to the chair. They're each going to take one of your arms." Susannah didn't want him surprised by their touch.

"It's too windy we're up to high. It's cold." Todd mumbled.

They all exchanged looks. "Tell me where you are, Todd?" Susannah posed.

"Llantano Mountain. Viki wanted me to leave the cabin. I couldn't find her, and then I did, and she didn't want me to stay with her because she knows I'm bad. It's so cold. It's dark."

"Todd, what's the last thing you remember?" Susannah was wondering if he was remembering what happened with his mom in the summerhouse.

"I was walking through the woods looking for Viki's cabin and . . . RANDY!" Todd suddenly shouted.

"Todd, what is it you're remembering about Randy?" Susannah gently questioned him.

"He ran away. I can't find him. He left me. I can't find him. It's too dark. He's alone in the cold and in the dark. What if a car or something hits him? I was bad and he left. RANDY! RANDY!" Todd continued to shout for his dog.

"Take it easy, Boomer," Sam put his hand on Todd's shoulder. He did not know how to comfort him.

Viki came in. Susannah walked away from Todd for a minute and filled Viki in on what was going on. "Does he remember what happened between us the last time he was out?" Viki asked, nervously.

"He doesn't seem to. He's convinced you sent him away from a cabin on Llantano Mountain." Susannah filled her in.

"I have a cabin there that Todd has stayed at, but never when I was there. Do you think he is confusing this with his mother sending him away from the summerhouse?

"Yes, he has been very disoriented and confused since he woke up," Susannah informed Viki.

"Am I standing?" Todd asked, looking confused.

"No, pal, you're still sitting on your bed," Sam tried to orient him.

"I want to get up." Todd put his arms out. He gasped from the pain as he moved his left arm.

"Connie, can you please get a sling for his arm?" Susannah ordered.

"Todd, Viki is here." Suddenly Todd's head turned sharply to the left. They could tell he was hearing something. Susannah motioned Viki to approach Todd and talk to him.

Viki was very tense and nervous. She was afraid that a part of Todd had not forgiven her for what she did. "Hi, baby. It's Viki. I'm here. I didn't leave you."

"Viki?" Todd asked, hopefully.

"Yes, sweetheart, it's me. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I was in the lounge, napping."

Todd turned to the left again. He started to look frightened. Connie came in with the sling. "Todd, I'm going to give you a sling for your arm. It will help you not to move it and keep it elevated." Todd sat still and allowed her to adjust his arm in the sling. He moaned as she moved it.

"Can't you give him something for the pain?" Viki asked.

"He doesn't want anything," Sam answered, before Susannah had a chance to.

"Sweetheart, why don't you want something to help it not hurt so much?" Viki tried to reason with him.

Todd started to look even more frightened. "He's right, you're not Viki," Todd whispered.

Viki, now looking frightened herself, looked at Susannah. "Todd, of course I'm Viki. Sweetheart, what's going on? Why do you think that?"

"No, Viki went away. She left because I did something wrong," Todd said, aloud and then started whispering to himself, "I don't remember what. I don't remember what. Why can't I remember?" Tears started to trickle down his cheeks as he continued to whisper. "How will I know not to do it again if I can't remember what I did? Why can't I remember? Why can't I remember?" He was getting more agitated.

"Todd, Viki is right here. She's standing right next to you," Susannah said in a calm, assuring voice.

"NO! She's not Viki. He told me. She's not Viki. She's not. Viki went away. She said she's not coming back again. Why can't I remember what I did? It was bad. It's always bad. I deserve to be hurt," Todd continued to mumble to himself. He punched his sprained left wrist with his right hand.

Susannah quickly, grabbed his right arm. The staff exchanged looks with her. They were ready to restrain him, if necessary. "Todd, you can't hurt yourself. Do you understand?"

"I should be hurt. I should," he whispered.

"No, sweetheart, you shouldn't. Please, Todd. It is Viki. I would never leave you. I'm right here."

Todd seemed to calm down a little. He started to stand up. "Okay Todd. If you want to stand, Carl and Dave will help you. Do you want to go to the chair?"

"I'm in the chair," Todd responded.

"No, you are still sitting on your bed. Carl and Dave will help you to the chair. Are you ready?"

He nodded and allowed them to take his arms and help him to his feet. As the other alters did, Todd had difficulty standing. He felt his legs start to give way under him.

"Todd, we have you. You're safe, we got you, buddy." Carl said soothingly.

Todd finally felt the floor under his feet and with great effort walked the few steps to the chair. Carl and Dave carefully lowered him to it, watching out for his wrist. They noticed that Todd was shivering.

"You cold, pal?" Sam asked. Todd nodded. Sam took a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around Todd. "There, how's that, better?" He nodded again. He seemed very disconnected. They got the feeling that Todd was hearing voices other than theirs. Susannah asked Carl and Connie to wait outside, but not to go too far.

"Sweetheart, are you comfortable? Is there something we can get you?" Viki asked. Todd didn't respond. He was clearly hearing a voice other than Viki's. He tried to stand. He pushed against the arm of the chair with is right hand. He could only raise himself a couple of inches before he fell back to a sitting position. He raised his knees to his chest and hugged them to himself with his right arm, burying his head in his them.

"Todd, can you tell me what you're hearing?" Susannah probed.

"I can't tell. It'll get worse if I tell," he murmured, without lifting his head.

"No, you can tell me. Nothing bad will happen. I promise," Susannah assured him.

Suddenly Todd lifted his head and shouted "RANDY!" again.

"Tell me about Randy?" Susannah pressed. She hoped Todd could hear her. He didn't answer. "Todd, tell me who Randy was," Susannah tried again.

"He's my dog," Todd answered in the present tense. He sounded young, but still like Todd.

"Tell me about him," Susannah gently led him.

"Mama got him for me for my fifth birthday." Todd started to laugh and giggle. "He's licking my face. His tongue feels so funny. I love him. Mama says he's all mine. My dad said, I'd better take care of him and be responsible for him. He won't let him live upstairs because he doesn't like animals. Randy has to live in the basement. It's so cold down there," Todd started shivering again.

"Do you like having your own puppy?" Susannah asked.

"I love him so much," Todd said, cuddling "Randy" in his right arm. They knew he thought he was holding the dog. "I feed him and take him out and play with him. I save my allowance and buy him toys. Sometimes I don't remember feeding him, but there is always food for him and water, so I guess I must."

"Tell me what happened to Randy?" Susannah asked, wondering if he had any memory cross over of Tom finding Randy poisoned to death by Peter.

"He ran away." Todd's arm dropped. He was no longer holding his beloved dog.

"How do you know he ran away?" Susannah pressed.

Todd jumped, startling all of them. "No! No! Please stop. No!" He cried out to the voice he was hearing.

"Todd, tell me what they're saying to you. Tell me what the voice is saying." Susannah prompted.

They could see panic on Todd's face. He started rocking back and forth. "NO! NOT STARR! NOT STARR!" He shouted.

Susannah was really hoping she was not going to have to restrain or sedate him. "What's upsetting you about Starr?" Susannah asked.

"You're all lying to me. You're just pretending to be who you say you are. You're not real. You're not real."

"Is that what the voice is telling you?" Susannah guessed. He didn't answer. "Todd, is that what the voice is telling you?" Susannah took Todd's right hand. "Do you feel me holding your hand?" Todd didn't respond. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen and I'm real. Viki and Sam are here and they are real."

Todd started to laugh. Susannah knew he was having a psychotic episode. She was hoping she would not have to start him on an antipsychotic in addition to all of his other medications. Susannah did not want to subject him to the possible devastating side effects. "Todd, can you tell me why you're laughing?"

"He knows what you're going to say before you say it. He told me you'd say that. I know that's not Viki because Viki left. I deserved to be left. I was bad. Then I tried to find her, and I did, and she sent me away. Viki hates me."

Viki looked pleadingly at Susannah, her eyes begging Susannah to do something. "Todd, it wasn't Viki who left you and then sent you away. It was your mother. Mama did that. Not Viki," Susannah said, trying to get him to oriented.

"NO! It was Viki. I was just there. I was at the cabin. She sent me away. She sent me away," he cried out.

"Todd, listen to me," Sam said, kneeling down to where Todd sat. "I was in the room with you all afternoon. You were here. You were not in the cabin with Viki. Boomer, maybe you had a bad dream. I swear to you have not left this room."

Todd reached out and felt Sam's face. "You're not Sam. You're not real. You're not real." Sam's color turned ashen. "NOOOO!" Todd screamed and raised his right hand to his ear. He tried to raise the left. He yelped in pain.

Susannah held him firmly by the shoulders and said, "Todd, I want you to listen to me, not to the voice that's talking to you." Todd turned his head away from her. Susannah gently turned it back. "Todd. I want you to just hear my voice." Susannah suspected it was Saber taunting him, but she was wondering if he was hearing a voice that wasn't an alter.

"Blair. I want Blair. Get Blair. Get Blair." Todd cried out.

"Can you tell me how seeing Blair will help you?" Susannah asked.

"I'll tell Blair. I'll talk to Blair. Get her. GET HER!"

Viki and Sam looked at Susannah, not knowing what to do. "Call Blair," Susannah said, shrugging her shoulders slightly.

"Todd, I'm going to call Blair right now." Sam promised and left the room. He did not want Todd to hear him explaining the situation to Blair.

"I want Blair. Get her here. Please! Get Blair here." Tears started pouring down Todd's cheeks. He just kept repeating, "Get Blair" and "I want Blair," over and over again.

After a few minutes, Sam came back into the room. "Todd, Blair is on her way. She should be here in about twenty or thirty minutes. Okay, Boomer? Calm down. Blair is on her way."

"No, you're lying to me. Sam left and Viki left." He reached out for Susannah. "You, too. You're all lying to me. I WANT BLAIR! I WANT BLAIR!"

"Todd, you need to calm down. If you can't, I'm going to have to give you some medication to help you calm down. Now, I promise you. Blair is on her way. If you want to see her, you're going to have to calm down. Do you understand?" Susannah spoke gently, but firmly. Todd once again brought his knees to his chest and held them against it with his right arm and started rocking.

"I know they're not. I believe you. Please, don't. I believe you. I believe you. Don't keep it dark. I won't. I won't." Todd sat, whispering, over and over again. He was having a conversation with someone only he could hear. In between, he kept repeating, "I want Blair. I want Blair." He was still hugging his knees to his chest. If he was in pain, he gave no indication of it.

This new behavior concerned them all. They waited, impatiently, for Blair to get there. Susannah told the staff to stop Blair at the nurses' station before she had a chance to go to Todd's room. Susannah needed to speak with her before she saw Todd. Finally, Connie popped her head in the door and motioned Susannah to come out in the hallway.

"Sam said Todd was very upset and calling for me," Blair began the minute she saw Susannah.

"Yes, how much do you know about Todd's current condition?" Susannah probed.

"I know that he hasn't gotten much better since I last saw him. I know that he has something like nineteen personalities."

"Twenty, that we know of," Susannah corrected.

Looking exasperated, Blair said, "Okay, twenty personalities. I know that, physically, he is weak and that he almost had a heart attack last week."

"No, Todd went into cardiac arrest. That is not the same thing as a heart attack," Susannah explained.

"Look, can I just see Todd?" Blair was getting impatient.

"There are some things I have to make you aware of first," Susannah said, stepping in the path between Blair and Todd's room.

Blair was getting more anxious by the minute. "All right, Doctor Hanen. I'm listening," Blair was afraid of what Susannah had to say.

"First, Todd has experienced some physical deterioration since you saw him. I don't want you to be shocked by how he looks."

Blair's heart was pounding. "How bad does he look?" She asked meekly.

"He has lost a lot of weight. He is still anemic and he is quite pale. He fell down yesterday and has a huge purple bump on his head. He cut his lip and needed stitches and his left wrist was sprained. It is in a sling." Susannah could tell that Blair didn't want to hear any more, but she continued. "Today, Todd woke up very confused and disoriented. He is hearing voices. Now while that has happened before this time seems to be different. I believe that Todd is having a psychotic episode."

"What does that mean?" Blair asked.

"Todd is having auditory hallucinations. It may be that he is hearing an alter named Saber threatening Starr and taunting him. Or, he might be hearing a voice that is not an alter. Todd is also confused about where he is. He thought he had been in Viki's cabin on Llantano Mountain and that she had sent him away from there. He thinks he is somewhere that is windy and cold. He also believes that Sam and Viki and I are not real. That we are just pretending to be who we say we are."

"My God! What made him start acting like this?"

"Todd has been confused about time and place for a while now. He has also been delusional before and he has been able to hear some of the alters. Today, however, he is experiencing all these things to an extreme. He is also having a conversation with the voice or voices he is hearing, which is unlike him. They usually terrify him. He still seems frightened, but he is allowing the voice to direct his actions and he seems to be trying to placate the voice. He is also refusing medication for his pain. He wants it to hurt. He was saying that he deserves to be in pain for the things he did to Tea and Nora and Marty Saybrooke."

The mention of Marty made Blair's blood boil. "Damn it. Is he ever going to forgive himself for what he did to Marty? Is she going to haunt him to his grave? He has paid for that over and over again. When will he ever let go of it? And as for Tea, Tea got millions of dollars for marrying Todd. What the hell does he think he owes her?"

"Blair, if you like we can go to my office later and discuss all of your questions. I just want to fill you in on Todd's behavior now so you can go in to see him."

"All right. What else?" a very frazzled Blair asked.

"He may start talking about Randy, a dog he had when he was little. He thought he was back in the house in Chicago that he grew up in and he thought the dog had just run away. He is confusing the dog getting hurt with Starr getting hurt."

"He's confusing Starr with a dog?" Blair didn't understand.

"No, he is just thinking that Starr will get hurt the same way the dog did. Todd's father poisoned the dog as a lesson. He wanted to teach Todd what would happen if he ever told anyone that he was being abused. Peter thought that Todd had told an emergency room doctor the truth about how he got hurt. Actually, it was Tom that the whole incident happened to. It was Tom who found Randy dead at the foot of the water heater. Todd doesn't remember any of it, only that he went to the basement and the dog wasn't there any more. He thinks he was bad and that's why the dog ran away."

"Todd once mentioned his mother giving him a puppy for his fifth birthday. Is that the dog?" Blair asked.

"Yes," Susannah answered.

"Oh man. Poor Todd, he loves animals. That must have killed him."

"It traumatized him severely, and left him feeling extremely guilty. There is one other thing you should be aware of," Susannah continued. "He is completely insistent that he was with Viki in her cabin. It may stem from an incident that happened between Todd and Viki the last time he was out." Susannah explained what had happened between Viki and Todd.

Blair swallowed hard and asked. "Is there anything else?"

"There are many things but I think that's all you need to know before you see him," Susannah answered.

"Then let's go. If he's calling for me I don't want to keep him waiting." They headed for Todd's room.

Todd was still sitting with his knees to his chest and whispering. He continued to have a conversation with the voice or voices in his head, only now, every few minutes, he would reach out with his palm facing away from him and move his hand as if he were touching something in front of him, or checking to make sure that it was still there. It was something only he could feel. Viki held on to Sam's hand. She and Sam said nothing to Todd or to each other. They were both so afraid for him. Susannah and Blair quietly came into the room. Sam and Viki turned in their direction. Todd seemed oblivious to them.

Even though Blair had prepared herself for the worst, after what Susannah had just told her, she felt like the air had left the room when she saw Todd. Susannah had to steady her. Blair took a minute to calm down. She took a deep breath and nodded to Susannah.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Blair is here. She came to see you." He did not respond. He just kept on whispering and feeling for something.

Blair looked at Viki and Sam. She could see that they were both extremely upset. Without asking if she should, Blair knelt down to where Todd sat and put her hand on his knee. "Todd, it's Blair. It's me, baby. Blair is here. I know you wanted to see me."

Todd's hand froze in midair. He stopped rocking and whispering. He sat perfectly still for a moment. He then moved his hand to the right until he found Blair's face. Blair allowed Todd to run his hand over her face and hair. Todd then "looked" toward the ceiling and smiled. "Blair, I promised to shower you in gold."

Tears ran down Blair's cheeks as she realized Todd was "seeing" gold balloons fall from the ceiling. "I remember, baby. I remember," she said softly. She stroked Todd's head.

"Blair, he can't make you pretend. You love Starr. You would die to protect Starr."

"Todd, of course I would. You know that. I would never let anyone hurt our little girl."

Todd pulled Blair's head towards him. "Are we alone?" He whispered in her ear.

"No, sweetie. Viki, Sam, Doctor Hanen and some of the staff are here." Blair replied.

"I want to talk to you alone." Todd whispered. Then in a whisper so low it was barely audible, he said, "They're not real, Blair. They're only pretending. Make them go away."

As frightened for Todd as Blair was, she calmly said, "Todd, honey, I'm looking right at them. They're real. They love you, sweetie."

"NO! Blair, don't let them fool you. Don't you let them get to you. I know. He told me. They're pretending. He's making them." Todd started to cry. "Blair, Viki hates me. I walked through the woods looking for her cabin, but she didn't want me there. She sent me away. I don't blame her. She knows. She knows. Sam knows. Doctor Hanen knows. The staff here knows. They all know. Blair, they all know."

"Know what, Todd? Tell me, what do they all know."

"That I hurt everyone. That I'm no good and worthless and stupid. I hurt everything and I get everyone hurt, or I make them leave and run off. NOOOOO!" Todd shouted and pulled back from Blair so abruptly he not only shocked her, he almost knocked her over.

"Todd, what is it? What's wrong?" Blair was beginning to panic.

"Find him, Blair. You have to find him. He ran away. He left me, too. Find him he's gonna hurt him. FIND HIM! FIND HIM!" Then whispering again, Todd asked, "Can't you hear him? Don't you hear what he's saying?" Todd cowered in his chair. "I didn't tell! I didn't tell! I didn't tell!" Todd started saying to someone only he heard. He reached out for Blair. She took his hand. "Blair, make them go away. I have to tell you. Make them go away."

Blair looked up questioningly at Susannah. She then mouthed, "It's all right."

Susannah knew that Todd could not be out of their site. She ushered Sam, Viki and the staff to stand near the door and away from Todd and Blair. If necessary, she and the staff could get to Todd in a second's time.

"All right, baby, we're alone. Tell me what has you so upset? Who do you want me to find?"

"Blair, he's gonna hurt them. They ran off and he's gonna hurt them. You have to stop him. You have to find them and take them away. You have to find them. You have to, Blair. I know he can't make you pretend because you'd die for Starr. If he finds them, he'll hurt them. He'll destroy them. He does that. Like me. That's what he does. He hurts and destroys everyone. Blair, find them. Please! Blair! Blair! Find them. Find them!"

"Todd. Sweetie, slow down a minute. Tell me who you want me to find?"

"Randy and Starr. You know that, Blair. Why are you asking me? They ran off because they found out how bad I am. If he finds them, he'll hurt them. You have to find them first. I love them and so he'll hurt them because my love is poison. He knows." Todd then put his right hand to his ear and tried to raise his left one too but was stopped by the sling and the pain. "OOOOOH! God! It's so loud. Blair, It's so loud. I just want it to be quiet. Just for a while. Just for a while."

Then, in a childlike voice unfamiliar to any of them, Todd whispered, "Noise is bad. Noise gets you punished. No noise! No noise! Shhhhh! You have to be quiet. Tell them not to make noise or they'll get punished. Shhhhh!" Then in another childlike voice Todd said, "The floor. The floor, she's on the floor. There's the door. There's the door. No more. No more." They realized he was talking in rhymes. "The boy is bad. Then he's sad." Then in yet another voice Todd screamed, "NOOOO! NOOOOO! THAT'S MAMA'S BED. THAT'S MAMA'S BED."

Susannah wasn't sure what was happening to him. It seemed that he was switching rapidly from one never before seen alter to another. "Look! Look at the fire. I like the fire. It's pretty. Look at all the colors." He spoke in still another, slightly older sounding child's, voice. Susannah was about to step back into the room when she heard Todd's voice again. "Blair? Blair? Don't you go away. Don't you go away, Blair."

"No, Todd. I'm here. I'm right here." Blair took his hand.

"I was telling you something. What was I telling you? What was I telling you?" Todd was becoming extremely agitated. "Why can't I remember?" He asked. Todd pulled his hand away from Blair and punched the side of his head.

Blair grabbed his hand. "Baby, don't do that you'll hurt yourself. I'll tell you what you were talking about. I remember. You asked me to find Randy and Starr and keep them safe."

Throwing his head back and laughing a relieved laugh, Todd confirmed, "That's right, that's right. I can't find Starr. I went down to the basement to look for her. She was gone. Viki said it's safe for her to be with me. She said I'd never hurt Starr, that I'm not like them. But now, Viki hates me. She won't let me stay with her in her cabin and Sam isn't real and Doctor Hanen isn't real. He told me. He told me. He knows they hate me. Viki said I wouldn't hurt Starr, but I hurt everyone. NO! NO! DON'T LET STARR IN THE BASEMENT. DON'T LET HER IN THE BASEMENT."

"Todd, shhhhhh," Blair hugged him to her. "I won't. Starr will never go to the basement. Sweetie, I promise you. I'll protect Starr."

"Will you find Randy? I don't want him to be cold and get run over. I was bad. So he got hurt."

"Todd, I'll find your puppy, too. I promise. Oh, I promise, sweetie," Blair gently rocked him. She could not believe they had allowed him to get into this condition. Blair wanted to throw a coat over him and get him out of there.

Then sounding almost like himself, Todd said, "Blair, listen to me. It's very important. I have to tell you before he comes back. There are no secrets from him. He hears everything. Listen to me."

"Todd, I am listening. I'm right here. Tell me."

"I don't think they'll let me go to the bank. I can't get to my money. I want you to sell The Sun. Sell it to Asa or to anyone. Then I want you to take the money and take Starr and Randy as far away as you can get. I want you to hide them. You can do it Blair. You would die for Starr. You can't take Arabi because he's too big, but you can take Randy. Starr will love him. You have to be careful he doesn't find you. Don't let him hear you and don't let Starr out of your site, not for a minute. Don't tell anyone where you're going. Blair, I know you can do it. You're the one. You love your child."

"Our child, Todd. You love Starr, too, and she loves you so much. She misses you everyday. She draws pictures for you. She makes things for you in arts and crafts at school. She . . . "

"NO!" Todd cut her off. "NO! SHE CAN'T LOVE ME. NO! MAKE HER STOP. TELL HER I'M DEAD. I AM. I AM! SHE CAN'T LOVE ME. I'LL HURT HER. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LOVE SOMEONE. I HURT THEM. SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS TO THEM. BLAIR! DON'T LET HER LOVE ME." Todd was starting to get short of breath, just as Pete had. Susannah knew she had to get Todd calmed down. She also knew if she made Blair leave now he would just get even more out of control.

"Todd. All right. All right. I promise I'll keep Starr safe. I won't let her love you if you don't want her to. Sweetie, I'll do everything you asked me to do," Blair humored him.

Todd started shivering again. Blair picked up the blanket that had fallen around him in the chair. She put it over his shoulders. Todd began to whisper to himself again. "I told them it's too windy up here. It's too cold. I don't want to go on the plane. No! Please, don't make me. I'm so scared. Viki hates me she won't let me stay in the cabin. She's gonna make me go on the plane. I don't want to. I'm scared. I don't want to go back."

Hearing this from the doorway, Viki started to cry. They knew Todd was definitely confusing his mother sending him away from the summerhouse with Viki. Todd reached out into the air. "It's so dark. I lost my flashlight and the woods are dark. I don't like the dark. I don't like the dark. I'm all by myself. I'm so scared. I can't find Viki. She hates me. She sent me away. She won't let me stay at the cabin with her. They're not real. Sam's not real and Viki's not real and Doctor Hanen's not real. He told me. He told me. They're pretending to be real."

Susannah knew that his constant repeating of the same things over and over again was a symptom of psychosis. "Blair, it's so hard. I get so confused. I want them to be real again, but they're not, and then they are and then they're not. Ashes, ashes, all fall down." They noticed his voice sounded very young again. "I don't like the ashes, they make a mess. I like the fire. The fire is pretty. I can watch the fire and it don't hurt. Look! Isn't it pretty?" He said in the same older but still childlike voice they heard talking about fire before.

Susannah wanted to ask some of them who they were. Unfortunately, Todd was switching so quickly she didn't have a chance. Sounding like Todd again, he said, "Blair, promise me you'll never stop loving Starr or send her away. Even if she does something bad. Even then. Promise me!"

"Todd, I promise. There is nothing Starr could ever do that would make me stop loving her or send her away. You know how hard I fought to keep her." Blair could see he was thinking for a moment.

"That's right. You fought for Starr. You did. You did. You didn't just give up on her and let me have her. You fought for her. I remember. I'm sorry. Starr needs her mommy. Little kids need their mommies. Blair, you take her far away. Don't forget Randy. He's a good dog. He doesn't make noise or messes. He stays quiet. He knows. He's a good dog." Todd started giggling in a childlike way again. "He tickles. Hemmm. He tickles. I like dog kisses. I'm gonna call him Randy. He's all raggedy. There's Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy, so I'll call him Randy." The rhyming voice added.

Suddenly, Todd leaned forward in the chair. "Oh God! He heard. He heard. No! No! I won't tell you. NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM. NO! NO! BLAIR IS BLAIR. NO! I WON'T TELL YOU. I WON'T TELL YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE. GO AWAY. GO AWAY! GO AWAY! BLAIR! BLAIR! YOU HAVE TO HURRY. YOU HAVE TO TAKE STARR NOW. HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS IF I TELL. HE CAN HEAR AND HE KNOWS I TOLD. HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO TELL. I TALKED TO THEM AND HE KNOWS. BLAIR, HELP ME UP. I HAVE TO SAVE STARR. I HAVE TO HELP YOU SAVE STARR. WE SAVED HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK. REMEMBER. NOW WE HAVE TO SAVE HER AGAIN."

Tears started down Blair's face at the mention of Starr's illness. Not only because of the memories of how sick Starr was, but also because of the memory of how Todd was then. He was strong and able to take care of his little girl, able to be there for her. He was the one who held Blair together during that time and now he was completely falling apart. Blair knew she had to do for Todd what he did for her and for Starr. She had to keep him together.

"I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. IT'S SO DARK. WHERE'S THE DOOR? AM I STANDING? BLAIR, HELP ME GET TO STARR. HE THINKS I TOLD. HE'LL KILL HER. HE'LL KILL HER. OH GOD! OOOOOH, IT'S SO LOUUUUUUD! OOOOOOH, IT MAKES MY HEAD HURT. OOOOOOOH!" Todd was grasping for breath.

Susannah came rushing in. "All right Blair. You need to leave now. Todd has to calm down." "NOOOOO! NOOOOO!" Todd shrieked. "NOOOOOO! I WANT BLAIR TO STAY. I WANT HER TO STAY. SHE HAS TO WAIT FOR STARR TO COME HOME FROM SCHOOL. I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE A NOTE FOR STARR. NOOOOOO! BLAIR! BLAIR! DON'T LEAVE STARR A NOTE TELLING HER YOU'RE LEAVING HER." Todd continued to shriek in between gasps for breath.

"No, Todd I swear. I will never do that." Blair called to him.

"Todd, listen to me. It's Doctor Hanen. You need to calm down. I want you to slow down your breathing. Just try to breathe in slowly through your nose. You need to rest now. Blair can come back tomorrow. Now you need to rest."

"NO! I HAVE TO TELL HER TO PROTECT STARR."

"You already did that. Blair knows to protect Starr and Randy. They will be safe. Now you need to get back into bed and go to sleep for a while."

"NO! I HAVE TO TELL BLAIR! There's a mouse in the house and the house has a mouse. NO! NO! IT'S A RAT. IT'S THAT. IT'S THAT. It's dark. It's dark. It's not the park. It's not the park. It's not park. IT'S NOT THE PARK. IT'S NOT THE PARK." Now this alter, if that's what this voice was, was getting highly agitated. Susannah gave Connie an order for a sedative.

Once again, in his own voice. Todd started to whisper, "Viki hates me. She sent me away from the cabin. Sam's not real. Viki's not real. Doctor Hanen's not real." Connie came in with the filled syringe.

"Blair, please wait outside," Susannah ordered.

NO! NO! BLAIR. BLAIR. DON'T GO. BLAIR!" Todd started to screech, as soon as he heard what Susannah said. Blair hesitated.

"Blair. Wait outside!" Susannah said, firmly.

Carl, Marcia and Dave moved closer to where Todd sat. Looking at the size of the men, Blair was terrified for Todd. "Blair, for the last time. I want you out of this room," Susannah ordered.

Sam came in and put his arm around Blair. "Come on. It will be all right. Let Susannah do her job," he said softly. He led Blair to the hallway. Todd continued to scream for Blair.

In a gentle tone, Susannah said, "Todd, we're going to give you some medication to help you relax. It won't hurt. It will go right into your IV. Now I want you to try to slow down your breathing." Todd hadn't realized he had an IV in his arm. He tried to free his left arm from the sling so he could pull it out before they had a chance to give him the medication. Carl, Marcia and Dave quickly stabilized him. Despite his panic, he was very weak and it wasn't difficult.

"NO! NO! BLAIR! HELP ME! DON'T LET THEM DO IT. I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARR. BLAIR, DON'T GO! BLAIR! BLAIR, HELP ME. THEY'RE NOT REAL. THEY'RE GONNA LET HIM HURT STARR. BLAIR! THEY'RE NOT REAL. THEY'RE NOT REAL. BLAIRRRRR!"

Blair couldn't stand it. She tried to push her way back into the room but Sam and Viki held her back. "Damn it Viki, how can you allow this? They're torturing him. They're killing him. Look at him! Look what they've done to him here. You've got to take him out of here. My God! How can you leave him here? Is Todd right? Do you hate him?"

Viki reached up to slap Blair. Sam grabbed her hand before she had the chance to. He knew they were both at the end of their rope. "Blair, I'm sorry. Oh honey, please forgive me. I know you're horrified by what you've seen today, but . . . " Viki tried to apologize.

"But nothing! Sam, Viki. Please. Take Todd home, or if you don't want to I'll take care of him. I'll hire a nurse. My God! Did you see the way they held him down?"

"Blair, they are trying to keep him safe. If they didn't do that he would hurt himself," Sam tried to reason with her.

Blair noticed that the screaming had stopped. She started to walk toward Todd's room. Sam held her back "Blair, let Susannah do her job. You're not helping this way."

Blair angrily pulled her arm away from him. "I'm not going in. I just want to see if he's all right." Blair opened the door just enough to see inside. She saw that they had gotten Todd back to bed. Susannah was adjusting an oxygen mask over his face. He was laying very still. His eyes were closed. He was moaning softly. Susannah then took her stethoscope and listened to his heart. Blair shut the door.

"Look at him, Sam. Look at him. He's dying here. He can hardly move by himself. He's so confused and frightened. I've never even seen mama that bad off. They let him get hurt. Look at his head and arm and lip. How could they let that happen? They did that to him here. You've got to get him out of here." Blair was crying.

"Yeah, well your aunt contributed to that," Sam declared.

"What? Dorian? What did Dorian . . . Sam what are you talking about? Dorian hasn't come near Todd since before he became sick."

Sam realized Dorian had not told Blair about what happened and her part in it. He also realized he should not have said anything.

"Blair, let's sit down for a minute," Viki suggested. Blair, Viki and Sam sat in the chairs in the waiting area outside of Todd's room. Viki told her what had happened with Dorian. Leaving out the part about the papers Dorian had brought in with her. Viki was not interested in causing trouble between Dorian and Blair.

"I don't understand. Why was she sitting here if you told her to wait in the family lounge all the way on the other side of the unit?" Blair knew Viki was leaving something out. The story didn't make sense.

"Dorian wanted to see Todd." Viki said, not wanting to lie to Blair, but hoping she would just except it as that.

"Why would Dorian care about seeing Todd, morbid curiosity? Why, Viki? Tell me."

Sam could see Viki was hesitant so he told Blair the truth.

"SHE WHAT! Oh man, that is so like Dorian. I told her I didn't want anything to do with getting sole custody of Starr while Todd was so sick. Viki, I hope you don't think I put her up to that."

"Oh honey, of course not. I know the way Dorian is. Someone else's wishes mean nothing to her when she's on one of her crusades," Viki admitted.

"Man, I can't believe she did that and hurt him that way."

"Blair, Dorian didn't deliberately hurt Timmy. We were startled and he fell," Sam added.

"Dorian was very kind to him afterward. She promised not to cause any trouble for him while he was sick. She was also very kind and helpful to me. She brought me the picture I was looking for and some papers Father had hidden away. Blair, please! I don't want this to cause any trouble between you and Dorian," Viki pleaded. She knew how Dorian would react if she thought she had turned Blair against her.

"Don't worry about Dorian. I will take care of Dorian," Blair promised, angrily. That was what Viki was afraid of.

Susannah came out of Todd's room. "What did you do to him?" Blair asked immediately. She realized how accusatory that sounded. "I mean how is he? He stopped screaming."

"Yes, he's asleep. He's all right."

"Why are you giving him oxygen?" Blair pressed. Sam and Viki didn't know that Todd needed oxygen again.

"It's just to help him until he gets enough oxygen back in his blood. Todd has had too much going on in the past day or two. Viki. I need to speak with you about Todd's medication. I may have to consider an antipsychotic if this behavior continues."

"No!" Blair stated firmly to Susannah. "My mother was on an antipsychotic drug. It turned her into a zombie. She couldn't function at all. It made her so much worse. She was drooling and dizzy. She had trouble forming words. Her stomach was always upset and she had these tremors, her mouth, her hands, they would make all these involuntary movements. You can't do that to Todd." Blair turned to Sam and Viki. "For God's sake, don't let her do that to Todd."

Susannah could see that what Blair said frightened Sam and Viki. She knew that Blair was right. In some cases, that medication could cause all those side effects and some even more dangerous ones. "I would not even consider putting Todd on an antipsychotic unless it becomes absolutely necessary. I just need to make Viki more aware of the situation. Also, there is a newer class of antipsychotic medication that has less occurrence of many of those side effects, but they still are a concern. Blair, I promise you that I would only use them on Todd as a last resort."

"Doctor Hanen. I know you and the hospital are trying your best for Todd." Blair hesitated a moment and then continued. "To be honest, from where I stand it looks to me as if he has gotten a thousand times worse since he's been here. He's nothing but skin and bones. He looks paler than Starr looked when she was dying from Aplastic Anemia. Maybe Todd needs to be home with his family?" Blair remembered how she had gotten her mother out of the mental hospital she was in when she thought they were making her worse.

"Blair," Viki began, "I know how upsetting seeing Todd this way must be for you, but he needs to be in a hospital. Todd is much too ill to be home. For the sake of his physical health as well as his mental health." Sam said nothing for a minute and then nodded in agreement. Blair wondered if he honestly believed that the hospital was the best place for Todd.

Blair knew there was no point in arguing with them. She also knew she had to find some way to help Todd. "Can I see him before I go? I promise I won't wake him?" Blair asked Susannah.

Susannah thought for a second. "Sure, You won't wake him. He's been heavily sedated."

Connie was with Todd. Susannah walked Blair into the room and said, "Connie, it's all right. Give Blair a few minutes alone with Todd."

"Sure," Connie responded. She left the room with Susannah.

Blair looked at Todd. His bed had been left at a forty-five degree angle. Todd's hair was covering the sides of his face. Blair brushed it back. She lifted the oxygen mask off his face for a second and kissed him gently. She was afraid to injure his still swollen lip. She carefully put the mask back in place. "Don't worry, baby. I'll keep our little girl safe and I'll keep you safe, too. I'll help you. Blair is here now. Blair is here."

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT 1999 RS/RHFC