PREVIOUSLY...

Todd is going in a circle. I don't believe we are doing him any favor when we just let him be. Right now Todd would like to go so far inside himself that he might never find his way back. We've learned that

Todd is happy inside. He is safe and comforted. He is free from pain and terror. That's good, up to a point. Todd needs that. It's what's helping him survive. Unfortunately it also makes staying in his hiding place more seductive."

"How the hell are we supposed to compete with that? How can we offer him what Goodone does," Sam asked in desperation.

"Todd needs to learn to feel as safe and secure and loved in our world as he does when he's with

Goodone. He needs to feel that safety from you and Viki and from Tea and eventually from himself. The way Goodone hugs and holds him and the words he says to comfort Todd when he's hiding are the ones we have to give Todd and then teach him to give himself. They all need to learn that, first individually and then as part of Todd. If we could get Todd to listen to the voices, without the fear and without fighting them, we could be a step closer to him getting to know those parts of himself that he has split off," Susannah explained.

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Todd slept fitfully through the night. Both Sam and Viki stayed with him. He cried out for Sam, Viki and his mother several times. However he did not wake up. Viki and Sam would hold his hand and stroke his head and that seemed to allow him to sleep for a while. Then, within the hour, he would cry out again. Finally towards dawn his sleep became more peaceful. They assumed he had switched. It was Tom who woke up. He became fearful when he discovered the feeding tube. Like they had with the others, they calmed his fears about it. Tom realized it didn't hurt. Viki and Sam got him to promise not to pull it out.

Tom had already been fed the Osmolyte and was washed and dressed when Susannah arrived. She had spoken with Ryan before going to Todd's room. She told him that although she wanted him to try again she doubted if Todd would be any more receptive to therapy today then he had been last time. Susannah was even surer of this when she checked his chart and read about the bad night he had.

Viki and Sam showed Tom the bird dish and bowl and asked him if he wanted to have something to eat so that he could hear the birds sing.

He looked at it as if he wanted to but then he protested. "I'm not a baby. That's for babies."

"All right, but if you change your mind or you want something to eat on a regular plate just let us know," Viki reminded him.

Susannah was glad that it was Tom who was out. She wanted to have a session with him and she knew that he would be willing to try to help Todd come out for his session with Ryan. "Good morning honey. How are you feeling?" Susannah looked at him closely as she asked that.

"Do I get to go to the playroom and art room?" Tom was concerned that he'd have to stay in bed.

"You can go to them later on. Right now I'd like you to come to my office with me so we can talk for a while."

"Okay, can I bring my truck?" Tom asked calmly.

"Sure you can," Susannah agreed.

Tom turned to Sam and Viki and asked them anxiously, "Are you going away?"

"No Boomer. We'll be right here when you get back." Since Tom still looked unsure, Sam added, "I promise."

Susannah asked Frank to wait outside her office and she and Tom headed inside.

"I'm really happy you came out this morning. I've been wanting to speak with you," Susannah informed

Tom.

He was already sitting on his knees, playing with his truck.

"Tom, I need to ask you some questions, okay?"

"Uh huh," he answered in between making truck sounds.

"Do you know Goodone?"

Tom shook his head.

"Do you know Braver and Scared or the girl twins that live inside Todd?"

Tom shook his head again. "Look! I can make the backup light go on and it makes backup sounds," Tom pointed to his truck.

"Wow! That's just like a real truck. You really like that toy, don't you?" Susannah smiled.

"Yeah! It's the neatest truck I got. Santa thought I was good. Right?"

"That's right, very good." Susannah realized how important believing that was to Tom and Timmy.

Susannah took him in another direction. "Tom, do you remember anything about a summerhouse that

Todd went to one time? It belonged to Charles Heath. Do you know who that is?"

Tom didn't answer. He continued to play with his truck and his truck sounds got louder.

Susannah sat down on the floor next to him and turned his face towards hers. "Honey, it's safe to tell me.

Do you know who Charles Heath was?"

Tom stopped playing and looked at Susannah and nodded. "Is my mom coming back? Dad says she's gonna stay with him forever. She wouldn't leave me forever, would she?" Tom's chin and lower lip were quivering as he tried to hold back his tears.

"Honey, maybe your mom intended to come back for you but she couldn't," Susannah suggested.

Tom started to cry. "My mom loved me."

"Of course she did. She loved you very much, but your mom was afraid." Susannah put her arm around his shoulders and hugged him to her.

"Cause dad was mean to her?"

"Yes, because your dad was mean to her," Susannah confirmed.

"But he was mean to us too. We wanted to run away too." Tom suddenly, pulled away from her.

"Mommy lied! She always lies! Tom can run away with me."

"Andy! Hi sweetheart. You popped out kind of fast. You surprised me," Susannah confessed.

"Tom is crying. He's with Miss Perkins. She don't like me."

"Why doesn't Miss Perkins like you?"

"Cause," Andy answered, apparently not ready to talk about what he knew. Andy looked around.

"Where's Timmy?"

"Don't you know sweetheart?" Susannah asked.

Andy shook his head.

"When you don't see Timmy outside he's safe in here." Susannah patted Andy's chest.

Andy looked down at his chest and then looked up at Susannah with a puzzled look on his face. "I don't see him."

Susannah smiled and explained. "You can't see him that way Andy. He's inside Todd's body."

"Oh," Andy easily accepted Susannah's explanation. Andy started to rub his eyes, as he did he felt the feeding tube taped to his cheek.

Susannah quickly took his hand away from it. "Andy that's nothing to be afraid of. That's called a feeding tube. Todd's body needs more food than any of you are able to eat so we are giving it to him through the tube."

"No! Take it away! It scares me." Andy started to cry. He reached for the tube again but didn't make any attempt to get up off the floor.

Susannah tried to calm him on her own before she call Frank in. She knew Andy would escalate quickly if

Frank had to touch him. Susannah turned Andy so that his back was towards her. She put her arms around him and held on to his hands. "Shhhh, Andy it's nothing to be afraid of. It's not hurting you is it, sweetheart?"

Andy's sobs subsided while he thought about what Susannah said. "No, it don't hurt," he admitted.

"So you see, if you just leave it alone you won't even know it's there. You didn't know until you reached up and felt it. Right?"

Andy nodded.

"Okay Andy, if I let go of your hands do you promise not to touch the tube?"

He nodded again.

Susannah let go. Andy rested his head back against her, not making any move to leave the security of Susannah's arms. Susannah continued to hold him tightly sensing he needed to feel secure in her hug.

Andy looked up at Susannah; "Do they still have magic walls here?"

"No one can ever hear anything you say here Andy. Not unless you want them to, I promise."

"Mommy lies to me," Andy said angrily.

"Sweetheart you know I'm not mommy. You know I won't lie to you?" Susannah just held him for a minute. He rested her chin on the top of his head. After he was calm for a few minutes Susannah began his session. "Andy, do you know Goodone?"

"Papa," Andy corrected her and filled her in. "He's my nice daddy. He don't do stuff to me or make me do stuff to him. It don't hurt of feel funny when he holds me."

"Do you spend a lot of time with papa?"

"Only now, not before. I hided good before no one could find me. But I got lonesome. So I sneeeeaked back," Andy said, giggling.

"You did! How did you sneak back?"" Susannah smiled at this funny sweet child.

"Cause I'm reeeeeal fast and I can run real good and I can catch a ball and throw one real good. Daddy likes me best. Sometimes I'm daddy's good boy."

Andy stood up and started backing away from Susannah. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? What's the matter?"

Susannah was surprised by this sudden change from happy to anger or fear.

"YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME!" Andy plopped down on the floor and drew his knees to his head.

He held them with his arms and rocked back and forth. "I don't care. I don't care! You're a liar anyway.

I'm gonna run away," Andy whispered to himself. Then, just as Susannah was about to go to him he headed for the door. Susannah ran to stop him, just as his hand turned the doorknob.

"No, I want my tree! I want my tree!" Andy cried out as he struggled with Susannah.

Susannah called for back up. Frank, who had been right outside the door, came in immediately. Within a minute more staff rushed to Susannah's office. Andy was now being securely held. Susannah had quickly assigned Frank and Jeff to hold his legs. She held him in her arms herself. Andy was not at all physically strong and he was not striking out. He was just trying to get to the safety of his tree. Susannah knew how traumatic it would be for him if any of the male techs were to have their arms around him. Terry was holding his head steady but it was Susannah who was talking soothingly to him.

"Andy shhhh. It's all right sweetheart. We're not going to hurt you. We're just holding you to keep you safe. Andy you need to calm down and then we'll let you go. Tell us how we can help you calm down."

Susannah spoke soothingly, trying to calm him.

He became even more agitated. "YOU HATE ME AND YOU LIE TO ME! I WANT MY TREEEEEE!" Andy screamed.

He suddenly went limp in their arms and began to cry softly. Cautiously everyone released their grip on him.

"I didn't mean to be daddy's good boy. Now mommy hates me. Everybody hates me I have to go away forever. Nobody wants me. I'm supposed to stay away from Timmy. I love Timmy. He's my best friend.

I showed him my tree. Only Timmy. No one likes me," Andy whispered.

"What?"

Susannah knew Todd was back.

Todd thrust his hands out in front of him. "Viki! Sam!" Todd's voice was already full of panic.

"Todd it's Doctor Hanen." Susannah took his hands. As usual they were like ice. "Todd, you're in my office. You're safe," Susannah oriented and assured him.

Todd reached down and felt the floor. He tried to stand up but fell back into a sitting position.

"Here, let me help you," Susannah offered, taking his arm.

Todd pulled it away from her. She noticed tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"What is it Todd? Tell me," Susannah prompted as she knelt down next to him.

"I wish I were dead. I just want to die. Why won't you let me? I can't do anything anymore. I can't make my body work. I can't think straight. I can't be good. I want to but I just don't know how. That's why Viki left. She's not coming back for me," Todd cried.

"Get Sam and Viki," Susannah whispered to Jeff.

Todd was now holding his knees to his chest and rocking, much the same way Andy had.

"Todd. TODD! I want you to stay with me. Todd don't go inside your head. Viki and Sam are on their way here right now. I want you to stay here and wait for them. They love you Todd. Let them love you. Stay around and let them love you."

"It said she was going away forever," Todd whispered.

"What did?" Susannah was confused.

"The note Viki left. It was on the table in the entrance hall." Todd's hand trembled as he held the note he thought was in it. "It's dark. I can't see it. Read it to me." Todd pleaded as he held out the note he was hallucinating was in his hand.

Susannah tenderly put her arm around his shoulders and spoke to him gently. "Todd, there is no note in your hand. Viki didn't leave you a note, mama did. Viki is on her way in here, and so is Sam."

Just as Susannah said this, Sam and Viki came into the room.

"Todd?" Viki mouthed to Susannah when she saw him sitting on the floor. Susannah nodded.

"Todd it's Viki. I'm here sweetheart," Viki knelt down. Susannah released her hold on him as Viki took him in her arms.

"I'm here too pal," Sam let Todd know. He put his hand on Todd's shoulder.

"Viki tell her! Please! Tell her it's okay. Please!"

"Tell her what's okay, sweetheart?" Viki had no idea what he was talking about.

"That she could let me die. That it's okay to stop doing things to keep my alive. Please Viki! Please tell her! Please!" Todd wept. Huge sobs escaped his body.

Viki looked up helplessly at Sam and Susannah. She hugged Todd with all her might. She brushed his hair, damp with his tears, off his face and then held his face in her hands and wiped his tears away with her thumbs. She kissed his forehead and stated firmly, "Todd, I would do anything in the world for you. Sweetheart, I am much to selfish to do that."

"Selfish?" Todd repeated. He couldn't imagine Viki being selfish in any way.

"Todd I love you so much. I would not want to live in a world without you. I know it is selfish of me to want to you keep you here, even if you don't want to be here, but I love you too much to ever let you go. Sweetheart, I love you with all my heart. I wish I were your mother," Viki continued to hold Todd to her tightly. Viki felt the muscles of Todd's body relax. She pulled back and looked at his face. His eyes were blank. Todd had gone away.

"Todd. TODD!" Susannah called to him. "Todd, I want you to come back. There is nothing to be afraid of. Todd I want you to hear my voice and come to it. Come to the front Todd. Goodone, can you help Todd to come to the front?" Susannah tried. No reaction. "TODD!" She tried once more. Nothing. There was no response. Susannah could not get him back this time. "He's where he wants to be," she comforted Sam and Viki.

Susannah told Frank and Jeff to take Todd back to his room. She told them to sit him in a chair and to stay with him.

"Come on Todd. Up we go," Frank said as he and Jeff lifted Todd to his feet. Todd's body walked with them willingly. His mind was somewhere safe.

"Do you think he's with Goodone? Do you think he's being comforted?" Viki asked hopefully as tears sprung to her eyes.

"Yes, I do think that is exactly where he is." Susannah confirmed and placed her hand on Viki shoulder.

Susannah called Ryan and told him Todd's session with him would have to be canceled for today and explained why. Viki and Sam went back to Todd's room. Susannah decided to go see Bo.

"Yeah, sure I can arrange for you to see Rosen if you want to. I'm sure he'll see you. I hear he's always looking to score Brownie points with the warden. I just don't think he'll know much. Todd was never one to confide his feelings to people." Bo pointed out to Susannah when she asked him to arrange the meeting.

"I don't really expect any major disclosures. Todd did drink a lot when he and Zack were frat boys together. Maybe he let some things slip. Is the therapist Todd saw, a Ray something, still at Statesville?"

"No, he is working somewhere in Philly, in private practice, last I heard. I can try to trace him down for you if you want."

"Thanks I would like to speak with him."

"Todd's not doing to well is he?" Bo asked gently.

"No, he's not," Susannah replied honestly.

"I didn't want to say much about it in front of Sam and Viki but I was shocked to see the way he looked. He reminded me of one of those starving, big eyed kids you see in the commercials for those children's funds," Bo admitted. He saw that tears had welled up in Susannah's eyes. "You've grown to care a lot about him, haven't you?"

"Yeah," Susannah confessed sadly. They were startled by the sound of Bo's intercom.

"The Misses is here to see you, Commissioner," the voice over the intercom said.

Bo and Susannah exchanged looks. "Susannah I'm sorry. I forgot Nora was meeting me for lunch."

"That's what I get for just dropping by," Susannah sighed and then smiled. Bo knew she understood.

"Send her in," Bo instructed.

Nora was surprised, to say the least, when she saw Susannah sitting there. "Well, I didn't know today was ex-felon's best friend day. If I had I would have dressed for it."

"Knock it off, Red!" Bo snapped firmly.

"That's all right I was just leaving," Susannah declared and stood up.

"Please don't leave on my account. Let me guess. You want Bo to help Todd out in some way, again!" Nora assumed.

"Bo thank you for your time," Susannah stated and then turned to Nora. "Maybe it's time you shut your mouth and opened your mind and heart." With that Susannah left.

Nora stood there with her mouth hanging open. "What the hell did she mean by that! What does she want you to do now? Baby-sit Todd for her?"

"Let's not talk about Todd. We'll only end up in an argument," Bo reasoned. Bo was becoming almost as annoyed with Nora's attitude as Susannah.

"Is your memory as short as my sister's? Did you forget what Todd did to me and what he did to Marty?"

"No, I haven't forgotten, but there are things about Todd that you don't know. Look, I'm not at liberty to talk about this. All I can tell you that things were done to Todd that even you wouldn't wish on him. Now let's drop this and go to lunch!" Bo was not in the mood for another fight over Todd and Susannah.

Nora was curious; nevertheless, she could not imagine anything so bad happening to Todd that he didn't deserve.

Todd was still sitting in the chair when Susannah returned. Terry told her he had been fed some more Osmolyte.

"Any reaction?" Susannah asked.

"Nothing," Terry answered. Susannah could hear discouragement in her voice.

"Where are Viki and Sam?" Susannah inquired.

"Sam insisted Viki get some rest in the lounge. He went to get her something to eat," Terry filled Susannah in.

"Todd! Todd it's Doctor Hanen. I want you to listen to my voice and try to come toward it. Listen to me Todd. It's safe to come out. No one here will hurt you." Still no response. "Goodone it's Doctor Hanen. If Todd is with you I would like you to let him know he doesn't have to hide. It is safe for him here. Goodone I know you love Todd and want to help him. If you help him to feel safe enough to come out you would be helping him a lot." Todd's eyes remained blank.

What Susannah didn't know was that, for just a minute, Todd heard her.

"It's all right Todd. Don't listen. You are safe with me. You don't have to be with the others. You have your own safe place here with me. Don't listen, just rest. Feel the warm sun shining down on you. It is warm in here Todd. You are my son and I love you. Papa loves you."

Todd looked into his papa's loved filled eyes and smiled. He felt Goodone's arms around him and snuggled into them. Todd felt warm and safe and loved. He stopped hearing Susannah call to him.

They kept Todd in the chair. Viki and Sam came back into the room.

"Any change?" Sam asked.

Frank shook his head.

"Hey pal. Todd. How about coming back and talking to me for a while?"

Todd gave no response.

"Okay Boomer, you rest," Sam sounded defeated. He kissed the top of Todd's head.

Susannah came back in the late afternoon. Connie was on duty and was just finishing up another feeding. A lab tech came to take a blood sample. Todd responded to neither one. Todd's eyes were open. Inside he was sleeping peacefully in Goodone's arms. Carol was watching the other children who considered Goodone their papa. She knew Todd needed Goodone all to himself right now.

Todd was undressed and his pajamas were put on and he was put to bed. He gave no resistance and no recognition of being a part of their world. Goodone knew how their world could hurt. He knew the evil in it. He knew what waited for Todd in their world. He would keep him safe for as long as he could. He knew that every time Todd and the others ventured out into their world they were hurt. Their bodies were hurt with their tubes and needles and medicines and their minds were hurt by the questions they were asked.

Yes, Goodone sympathized with Todd's sister, wife, Sam and Susannah. He knew they cared for Todd and he knew they wanted Todd with them. Still, his priority was Todd. Todd had to come first. He was Goodone's main responsibility. He always had been.

Goodone realized he might have made a mistake, showing himself to Doctor Hanen and the others. Now they were aware of him and aware that he knew where Todd's hiding place was. Goodone held on to Todd tightly. "Don't worry Todd. I will never betray you. I will never let them find you. I will always be here for you after their world hurts you. You will always have me." Todd stirred. He snuggled even closer to Goodone and smiled again. He loved waking up in his papa's arms. He wanted to stay there forever.

Secrets 48, Page 2

Todd's evening meds were given IV. Finally, near nine o'clock at night Todd's eyes closed. Todd's body, as well as his mind, was asleep.

Sam insisted Viki go home for the night. He knew she had not gotten much sleep the night before.

"Sam, what if he comes out of it as Todd. You know he'll think I left forever if I'm not here."

"Viki, if you get sick you'll end up not being here for a lot longer than one night," Sam was firm.

Viki sighed. She knew Sam was right. She got her coat and bag. She walked over to Todd and kissed him on the forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow, baby. Sam will be here with you. I love you Todd." Viki kissed Sam goodnight and took one more look at Todd and left.

Todd's body was exhausted. He stayed asleep for the night.

Thomas was the one who woke up the next morning. A part of Sam was relieved it wasn't Todd. He knew how much Todd suffered every time he came back and he hated to see him go through it yet those thoughts made Sam feel very guilty.

Thomas was grumpy from the moment he opened his eyes. He finally went to play with the Lego Wild West System he had gotten on Todd's birthday. Terry came in to give him the Osmolyte. Thomas refused to go back to bed. Rather than make a big deal of it, Terry pulled a chair over to where he sat on the floor and fed him there.

Thomas flatly refused to stop playing when Frank came in to help him wash and dress.

"Come on Boomer. Let Frank do his job and then you can play some more if you want to," Sam coaxed.

"NO! I don't care about his dumb job! I want him to go away." Thomas protested angrily and continued to build a fort.

Sam knew he was angry about something that had nothing to do with getting dressed. Sam took Frank aside. "Frank, I'm sorry, can you try again a little later, I'll try to find out what's going on with him."

"Sure, no problem. "Don't worry about it. As long as he's like this I'd rather wait for Susannah to come in anyway," Frank admitted.

Sam patted Frank on the shoulder and said, "Thanks." Bending down to where Thomas sat on his knees, Sam gently scolded, "Hey Boomer, you were a little rude to Frank. He was just trying to help you. Are you angry with Frank?"

Thomas ignored Sam and continued playing.

"Are you angry with me?" Sam tried.

Thomas still didn't answer.

"Okay bud, you play," Sam gave up for now. He patted Thomas' back and stood up.

Thomas continued to build the fort. Sam noticed Thomas seemed to have the fort just the way he wanted it when he suddenly got up and kicked the whole thing apart. "I HATE YOU!" he shouted. He was looking toward the wall as if he saw something or someone there. Thomas stomped over to the corner and flopped down cross-legged in front of it. His back stayed turned to Sam.

"Boomer can you tell me what's wrong?" Sam knelt down next to Thomas and tried once again to find out what was going on with him. Sam put his arm around Thomas' shoulders. Thomas pulled away from him and said nothing.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Sam stepped away from him. He was greatly relieved to see Susannah come in. Frank has already filled her in on the behavior he witnessed.

"Thomas is very angry this morning," Sam informed her. Susannah noticed the Lego's that had been knocked over.

"Honey, I would really like it if you tell me why you're so angry this morning," Susannah pushed. She placed her hand on his shoulder.

Thomas pulled away from her touch as he had from Sam's.

"Do you think you're being punished? Is that why you're sitting in the corner?" Susannah persisted.

Thomas folded his arms around each other and hunched over slightly. The wall he was looking at blurred before his eyes. Susannah's voice faded away from his consciousness. He lowered his head.

"He's mad because he had to stay with us last night; because papa was taking care of Todd," This new voice said.

"Do I know you?" Susannah asked.

"No, ma'am you don't."

"You don't know me either," another voice said.

"Can you tell me your names?" Susannah asked.

"My name is Lisa."

"And I'm Sarah."

"Both" girls stood up and faced Susannah and Sam.

'The other twins, Susannah thought.'

"Hello girls. This is Sam, and I'm Susannah Hanen. I'm your doctor."

"We know. We saw you from inside," Lisa stated.

"It sure looks a lot bigger," Sarah commented as she looked around.

"What does Sarah?" Susannah inquired.

"The room. It looked itty bitty from inside."

"Is this the first time you girls have been out?" Susannah continued her questions.

"We used to come out, but we haven't for a long time now," Lisa replied.

"Do you both know Todd?"

"Yes we do ma'am." Lisa replied.

"Do you know Miss Perkins?"

"No ma'am we don't," Lisa again answered for both of them.

"You mentioned papa. Is that Goodone?" Susannah inquired.

"He's our daddy," Sarah volunteered.

"Do you have a mother?" Susannah asked.

"Her name is Carol. She loves us because we're girls. She loves us a lot." Lisa emphasized the words "a lot."

"Mama doesn't know we came out. She's taking care of Thomas. He's real mad because papa has to take care of Todd. So we snuck out," Sarah explained and smiled. Her hands were clasped behind her back and her body swung playfully to the right and left.

"Will Carol be angry with you for sneaking out?" Susannah was concerned.

Lisa started to twirl a strand of Todd's hair around her finger as she answered Susannah's question. "Carol never gets mad at us. She's a good mama. She won't ever go away. She loves us."

"How old are you both?" Sam asked.

"We're both ten, but I'm an older ten. I got born first. Sarah came right after me," Lisa explained.

"Do you remember what Todd was doing on the day you both were born?" Susannah pressed.

"Todd was saying goodbye to his mama and he had to go on a plane all by himself. Todd had to go back to his daddy. He woke up and got scared because he was at the airport and he didn't remember his mama taking him there."

"That's because she took Braver and Scared there," Sarah interrupted.

"I was telling the story, Sarah!" Lisa scolded.

"Sorry," Sarah apologized.

"Todd's mama," Lisa continued, "hugged him real tight and kissed him and said, 'you be my brave boy and you go show daddy what a big boy you really are. You can ride on a plane all by yourself. Tom, I know how much you hate living with daddy, but you are a brave boy. You just do whatever daddy tells you. Don't say no and don't try to stop him. When you're all grown up you can leave and do what you want.'"

Lisa took hold of Sarah's hand. "We could hear everything Todd and his mama said from inside. Remember Sarah?"

"We could hear everything!" Sarah confirmed.

Lisa let go of Sarah's hand and continued to talk. "Todd said, 'please mama, I won't be grown up for so long. Please don't send me back. If you let me stay with you I'll be so good. I'll do real good in school. I'll be real, real quiet. You don't even have to buy me any toys or books or clothes and I won't eat much. Please mama! Daddy hates me.' Then his mama said, 'I know how hard it is for you. Darling I do know. It won't be as long as you think until you're old enough to leave. Think you're somewhere else when you're with daddy. Tom, if you pretend hard enough you can feel like you're somewhere else.' Todd started to cry and said, 'but where I want to be is with you, mama.' Todd's mama hugged him real hard and said, 'I know you do Tom. Oh, I know you do. It breaks my heart not to keep you, but darling I can't.' Todd said, 'because Charles don't like me either.' Todd's mama said, 'daddy will try to hurt me if I keep you. You wouldn't want that would you?' Todd shook his head and started to cry harder. His mama said, 'Tom, try not to cry in front of daddy. It will make him hurt you more. You know how angry daddy gets if he thinks you're crying like a little girl.' Then Todd's mama heard a voice in the air and she said, 'you have to get on the plane now.' She took Todd to the plane. It . . ."

"It was real big!" Sarah spoke up, holding her arms away from each other as far as they could go. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand and said, "I'm sorry Lisa. You were telling the story."

"It was real big," Lisa repeated, giving Sarah and annoyed look.

Susannah and Sam exchanged glances and smiles.

"Then what happened?" Susannah asked.

"Todd started to go up on the plane. He looked back at his mama and he went away and I got born. Then Sarah got born."

"I'm thirsty, can I have a drink of water?" Sarah requested.

"Sarah, It's not polite to ask for something. Wait until it's offered," Lisa admonished her sister and then turned to Susannah. "Sorry, ma'am. I'm trying to teach her to be polite."

Sarah hung her head and blushed. "I'm sorry. I was thirsty," Sarah apologized.

Susannah put her arm around them and explained. "Girls, I know it is important to have good manners and to be polite, but around here I would like it if both of you ask for whatever you want and say whatever is on your mind. If either of you think of something or if something just pops into you mind you can just say it out loud."

"I don't think Carol would like us to do that ma'am," Lisa insisted.

"We even have to be nice when Todd's daddy . . ."

"SARAH!" Lisa shouted, cutting her sister off. She gave Sarah a look that let her know she said the wrong thing.

Sarah looked away nervously and asked, "Can we look at the toys?" She then added for her sister's benefit, "The lady said it was okay to ask."

"Sure you can play with the toys," Susannah answered and then told them, "Girls, a very nice nurse named Terry is going to stay with you while Sam and I go outside for just a few minutes." Susannah wanted to speak with Sam and wait to speak with Viki before she walked in on them.

"We'll behave ourselves ma'am." Lisa politely assured Susannah.

"I know you will, but I would like Terry to stay with you, okay?"

"Okay," Sarah responded more casually.

Susannah asked Terry to please get them some water and to sit with them.

Just as Sam and Susannah stepped outside they saw Viki being buzzed on to the unit.

"How is he? Did Todd wake up?" Viki asked the second she saw them.

"No, Thomas woke up this morning. He seemed angry from the moment he woke up. He gave Frank a pretty hard time. He was very angry with me too. Then the other twins came out, the girls," Sam filled Viki in.

"Oh dear Lord," Viki exclaimed. "What are they like?"

"Their names are Lisa and Sarah. Lisa seems a little formal and a little bossy towards Sarah," Susannah informed Viki. She smiled at the thought of the girls and continued. "Being polite and well mannered is extremely important to Lisa. She seems to think that something bad will happen if the wrong thing is said or if they ask for anything. She scolded Sarah for asking for a drink of water. Sarah is more easy-going.� She started to open up a little and Lisa stopped her. It seems Carol takes them care of, mostly. They said

Thomas was angry because Goodone was with Todd. I guess Thomas wanted his attention and his nurturing and became jealous and angry when Todd got most of it. According to Lisa, they first came out at the airport when Todd's mother put him on the plane to send him back to Peter."

"Barbara kept telling Todd what a brave boy he was. She encouraged him pretend to be somewhere else. She told him to do whatever Peter wanted and not to say no. She told him not to cry, 'like a little girl' in front of Peter," Sam added bitterly.

Viki shook her head in disgust. She could not believe a mother could act that way. "Are the girls out now?" Viki asked.

"At least as of a few minutes ago," Susannah replied and added, "the way Todd has been switching of late you never know."

They all went back into Todd's room. Lisa and Sarah were playing with some of the stuffed animals. Viki heard two different voices doing two different animal voices.

"Well, I'm glad to see you girls found something you like to play with." Susannah kneeled down to where they sat near the toy box and said.

"You don't have too many good toys for us here," Sarah complained.

"SARAH! That was rude! You're going to get us sent away!" Lisa chastised Sarah.

Sarah put her head down as tears slowly trickled from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just like dolls better than stuffed animals. Don't be mad at me," Sarah begged Susannah.

"Oh sweetheart that's okay. You and Lisa can say whatever you feel like saying. I don't want you to watch what you say. I want you both to say whatever thoughts pop into your mind," Susannah assured them both.

"Are you going to send us away?" Sarah asked. She was still crying.

"No. Absolutely not! You girls can stay for as long as you like," Susannah promised, soothingly.

Sarah wiped her nose and felt the tube. "Is there something stuck to my face?" She was horrified and panicking.

Susannah took her hands down from her face and explained, "Sarah, Lisa, Todd's body has a feeding tube in it because no one is eating enough." Then Susannah asked them, "I want you girls to promise me that������������ you won't touch the tube or try to pull it out. Will you both promise me that?"

"Yes, ma'am, I promise," Lisa said.

"Sarah, what about you?" Susannah prompted.

"Does it make me ugly, like Todd?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah, Todd's not ugly. Todd is very nice looking," Susannah stated.

"Todd's daddy always told him he was ugly and funny looking. He says he hated the sight of him," Sarah confessed.

"Sarah, Todd's daddy was wrong," Susannah said firmly.

"Am I pretty?" Sarah asked.

"Very pretty," Susannah answered and said, "in fact I would like it very much if you girls would draw a picture of yourselves for me. Do you both like to draw?"

They both nodded.

"I like to paint with water colors," Lisa stated.

"I like markers and crayons and pencils," Sarah piped up.

"We have an art room here with all kinds of paints. There are no pencils, but there are plenty of crayons and markers. Would you girls like to go there and draw some pictures of yourselves?"

"How come there's no pencils?" Sarah asked.

"Sweetheart, pencils are sharp and someone could hurt themselves with them. So we don't keep pencils around, but I know there are lots and lots of markers and every color crayon you could think of. So would you girls like to go to the art room?"

They looked at each other and Lisa spoke for both of them. "Yes, ma'am we would."

"Lisa, honey, you don't have to call me ma'am."

"Mama Carol says we have to be polite. Todd's mama said that too," Lisa explained.

"Todd's mama said you should never look in a lady's purse because it's private," Sarah said.

"And you should never yell at people or ask for things before they offer them to you," Lisa added.

"Well you know what? You have special permission here to yell if you feel like it and to ask for whatever you want," Susannah informed them.

Lisa and Sarah exchanged looks again. They were not sure if the things Susannah were telling them was okay to do really were.

"Girls, would you like to meet Todd's sister?" Susannah offered.

They both nodded.

"Lisa, Sarah, this is Viki."

Sarah whispered something to Lisa.

"It's not nice to whisper in front of someone," Lisa scolded.

Once again Sarah put her head down.

"Lisa . . . honey I know you mean well, but it's okay, for Sarah to ask you something privately if she wants to," Susannah explained.

"She wanted to know if Viki was our sister too," Lisa said.

"How come you're old and not a little girl?" Sarah asked for herself.

Viki laughed and answered, "I was already grown when Todd was born."

"So, are you our sister?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah," Lisa explained patiently, "Todd's daddy is not our daddy and Todd's mama is not our mama so Viki can't be our sister."

"You girls don't consider Todd's parents to be yours?" Susannah needed clarification.

"NO!" Sarah said, getting slightly agitated. "Goodone and Carol are our daddy and mama."

"That's right ma'am," Lisa confirmed, "they love us a whole bunch and they never yell or hurt us. Mama teaches us stuff and papa touches us nice."

"Is he Todd's daddy now?" Sarah pointed to Sam.

"I wish I were Todd's daddy and I feel like I am. I love him very, very much, but no, I am not actually Todd's daddy," Sam admitted.

"Todd thought his mama's new husband would want to be his daddy, but he didn't," Lisa stated casually.

"Did that make Todd feel bad?" Susannah asked.

"When he heard him say it," Sarah said.

"Todd's stepfather told Todd that he didn't like him?" Susannah needed clarity.

"No, he said it to Todd's mama and Todd heard. He told her he didn't want Todd to stay with them. He said he didn't want all the trouble Todd's being there would cause. Todd's mama said maybe they could try it for just a little while but he said no. Todd's mama said she'd take care of it," Lisa spoke without emotion.

"Todd hid an arrowhead he found outside behind the bricks in the front room so it would always be like he was really there. He thought if he left it there he cold find his way back someday," Sarah explained, then asked, "Can we go draw now?" Sarah twirled Todd's pajama top around her finger.

"Sure," Susannah agreed and walked them to the art room.

Susannah, Viki and Sam went to the lounge while the girls stayed in the art room with Laura.

"They are pretty amazing." Sam declared.

"Absolutely," Susannah agreed and said, "I can't believe how much valuable information I learned from them. They are both articulate and emotionally detached enough from some of Todd's memories to be able to speak about them calmly."

"Lisa seems to be a little afraid of saying the wrong thing," Viki observed.

"Yes, apparently Todd must have felt if he had only been better behaved or more polite then maybe his mother would have kept him," Susannah speculated.

"From what they said Barbara tried to drum good manners into their head. Can you believe with all that child was going through she thought that was important!� Viki noted the irony of it. "It's funny, because in most ways Todd is not what you would call well mannered," Viki continued. "In fact he can be quiet ill mannered, but I have seen that part of him, the little boy wanting to be polite to please the adults part."

"Todd must have been devastated when he heard Barbara and Charles Heath talking about him that way.� It must have been bad enough for him to realize that this man didn't like or want him but the fact that Barbara hardly defended him . . . that she said, 'she'd take care of it,'" Sam said remarked in disgust.

"My God, what must have gone through that child's mind?" Viki asked, sadly.

"It certainly must have reinforced the idea that he wasn't worth loving or caring about. Here was another father rejecting him," Susannah theorized.

"Todd was so desperate for a father's love that he wanted it from someone who was, basically a total stranger and that bastard just threw it back in his face," Sam pointed out angrily.

"I remember one time Rebecca said something to Powell about Todd looking for that arrowhead the minute he came into the summer house. He did find his way back there," Viki remembered. Her eyes welled up with tears.

"What is interesting is the pattern Barbara had of encouraging Todd to dissociate. I'm sure she didn't realize that's what she was doing. It seems from the time he was a baby she told him to pretend to be elsewhere," Susannah commented.

"It was almost as if she were teaching him how to go away in his head," Sam realized.

"In a way she was. I wonder if Barbara didn't have a dissociative disorder. Yes, she used alcohol to escape, I know. I have a feeling her need to escape may have needed more help than the alcohol could provide. She may have had posttraumatic stress disorder as well," Susannah theorized.

"Even if she did, how could she have put that boy on a plane, by himself, and sent him back to the torture she knew awaited him? Susannah, none of them have told you what happened to Todd after he came home. He defied Peter. He chose his mother and her second husband against him. I can't bear to think about what Peter must have done to him once he got him home," Viki said, shuddering.

"Are you planning on asking them that question. Do you think the girls are the ones who walked back into that house with Peter?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. I may try to lead into that and see the kind of reaction I get. Sarah is a little easier to read. Lisa seems to be covering up her feelings."

"Why do you think it is that Todd split into girls at that point? Do you think it was some kind of sexual identity crisis?" Sam asked.

"I don't think so, not in the way you mean. One of the girls said Carol liked them because they were girls. Maybe Todd got the idea that if he were a girl his mother would love him more or want to keep him. It is really too soon to know for sure but that would be my educated guess," Susannah replied and looked at her watch. "It's almost time for him to have another feeding. Let's go see how the girls are doing," Susannah suggested.

When they walked into the art room. They saw that the girls had put "their" head down on "their" arms, which were resting on the table. They had fallen asleep.

"They just fell asleep a few minutes ago. I figured you'd be back soon and I didn't want to disturb them," Laura informed Susannah.

"Did they draw pictures of themselves?" Susannah asked.

"Sure did," Laura said. She handed Susannah two pieces of paper.

The quality of their work amazed Susannah, Sam and Viki. Some of the other alters drew very well. These pictures were artist quality. Especially the watercolor Lisa had done. The picture that Lisa signed showed a thin, plain looking girl with long blond hair and sad brown eyes. She was dressed in a brown jumper and wore brown socks and brown shoes. Everything was very plain and nondescript.

The picture Sarah signed showed a short, very pretty, slightly chubby girl with curly brown hair and lively blue eyes. She had on jeans and a sweater. Her hand was reaching up and holding on to an adult hand. All you could see was the hand and part of the arm. You could not tell who the adult was.

"Did you know Todd was such a talented artist?" Laura asked Sam and Viki?

"No, we didn't" Viki admitted. She was in awe of her brother's gift.

Susannah looked at her watch again. "I'd better wake them," She announced.

Susannah kneeled down to where they sat and gently stroked their head. "Girls, it's time to wake up. Sarah, Lisa, you need to wake up now." Susannah knew Todd's body was probably worn out from the day's disclosures. "Lisa, Sarah, come on girls. Open your eyes," Susannah called to them as she gently shook them.

Finally they stirred and looked at her. "Sarah doesn't feel so well," Lisa informed Susannah.

"Sarah, can you tell me what's wrong?" Susannah prodded.

"I feel sleepy all over and my head hurts," Sarah complained.

"Honey, what do you mean by sleepy all over?"

"It's hard to get up and move around," Sarah tried to explain.

"She's real tired ma'am," Lisa added, sounding very tired herself.

"Would you two like to go back to Todd's room now and take a nap?" Susannah proposed.

"Yes ma'am. I think we would like that. Thank you."

"You're very welcome, sweetheart." Susannah responded and stroked her hair.

Susannah helped them back to Todd's room. Viki and Sam waited in the lounge.

"They fell asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow. Terry is in there now. She started the noon feeding and they didn't even stir. I think they'll will probably sleep for at least a few hours," Susannah informed Sam and Viki.

"Todd's body is still very weak, isn't it?" Viki asked.

"Viki you have to remember the feedings just started and we just got his electrolytes back. It will take time before he shows any major improvement," Susannah reminded.

Susannah looked at her watch again and said. "I'm going out for a few hours. I think this may be my lucky day for uncovering events from Todd's past."

"Where are you going?" Sam asked.

"To pay a visit to Zack Rosen."

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT R/S 1998