PREVIOUSLY...

"Because I don't believe that Todd would be safe and happy for long in your world. As soon as he begins to feel safe or happy something hurts him. Todd once had six happy days in your world. He thought he had found safety. He believed it with all his heart, only to be crushed by it." Goodone shook his head as he spoke. "No, I am sorry. I must do what I feel is best for Todd and the children. I must try to keep Todd with me. He feels my arms around him and he knows he's safe. He sees my hands and he knows they will never hurt him. He hears my voice and he knows I will never make him hate himself. He sees my eyes and he knows I love him and I will never leave him."

Goodone was quiet for a few moments. They could see he was thinking over the things Susannah had said to him. He shook his head again. "No, Todd is safe and happy with me in his special hiding place. They all are happy with Carol and me. You really must accept that and stop trying to pull him into your world. You are only causing him to suffer more than he has." . . .

Goodone's face turned cold and the mention of Saber. "Todd is safe from everyone when he is with me. When he is in my arms he is completely protected from everyone and everything. Now I am sorry, but no more questions. I have left Todd and my children alone for long enough. Doctor Hanen, Sam, Viki, I am happy to have gotten the chance to meet you."

"Where's Kevin?" Is he coming to see me?" They heard Timmy ask.

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Timmy literally jumped for joy when Viki told him that Kevin would be coming to see him a little later. Terry came in with the Osmolyte nutritional substitute. Timmy panicked at first. Sam sat near the headboard and held Timmy securely. He spoke comfortingly to him while Terry started the Osmolyte. Once Timmy realized it didn't hurt and he couldn't taste it, he calmed down.

"I can feel it going down. It tickles," Timmy told Sam but didn't try to pull away.

Sam told Timmy a story while the feeding proceeded and Timmy fell asleep before the either the story or the feeding was finished. When the feeding was done Sam carefully stood up and laid Timmy on the bed. A little later, when Frank and Jeff came in, Susannah told them to let Timmy sleep and to wash and dress him later. Jeff stayed with Timmy and Susannah asked Viki and Sam to come to her office to discuss the latest developments.

"Dear Lord Susannah, six more of them. Two sets of twins and a . . . a what . . . a father?" Viki tried to find the words. She couldn't fathom what she had just witnessed.

"Do you think this means he's getting worse?" Sam asked nervously.

"No. Sam, these alters have probably been with Todd all along. Goodone is most likely, whom Todd is with when he's hiding . . . how much do either of you know about Todd going to a summer house to find his mother?" This had been preying on Susannah's mind ever since the twins came out earlier that day.

Viki began to tell Susannah all she knew. "Several years ago Todd escaped from prison and took a young girl, Rebecca Lewis, hostage. He took her to a summerhouse in the woods in upstate New York. As far as I know this house belonged to Charles Heath, Todd's stepfather. It seems Todd ran away from summer camp and took a bus. Then he walked for miles and miles through the woods until he found the house. His mother kept him for a few days and then sent him back to Peter. That was the last time Todd saw her. Or at least that was the last time Todd remembers seeing her. The next time was probably when Jimmy saw her at the house in Chicago." Viki paused to wipe away the tears that had filled her eyes.

"Viki, I know this is difficult for you. Do you need a few minutes?" Susannah offered.

"No. Thank you. I'm fine. I want to make sure you know what you need to know," Viki insisted and continued. "Bo was the one who filled me in on all this. He and Powell Lord went out there to rescue Rebecca. Todd begged Rebecca to shoot him. She refused. He was about to kill himself and Rebecca when Bo and Powell showed up. Todd and Bo struggled with the gun. Todd was shot. He deliberately threw himself into the river and was presumed dead." Viki had stopped crying as she finished. Her trembling hands gave away her anguish.

Sam and Susannah shook their heads. "Has there been one minute of his life when he wasn't suffering?" Sam asked, rhetorically.

"Todd has never spoken to me about this," Viki informed Susannah.

"Sam, has Todd ever spoken with you about it?" Susannah inquired.

"No, never. This is the first I've heard about it," Sam replied. Sam felt guilt wash over him. "I should have known about it. I should have been there for him," Sam thought.

"I remember reading about Todd's capture in Western New York but I don't recall any mention of it being in his stepfather's house," Susannah thought out loud.

Susannah sat back in her chair and thought back on all she had learned from the alters. She theorized out loud for Sam and Viki's benefit. "So from what the twins and Goodone said, I believe that Todd thought if he found his mother he would be safe and she would keep him forever."

"And she turned him away and sent him back to Peter," Sam stated bitterly.

"Todd must have been devastated," Viki declared and then added, "I know Barbara was horribly abused herself. I can only imagine the terror she felt. But my God! She had her second husband with her at this point. How in God's name could she have told that child that while she wasn't brave enough to go back to Peter he was? How could she send him back to the torture she knew he was being subjected to?"

Viki started to weep as she continued trying to understand how a mother could do what Barbara Manning did. "I don't understand how she could live with herself knowing she escaped but her child was still there? How could she tell him she wouldn't keep him? How could she look into those eyes and tell him that!"

"Viki, I don't know. From the things Todd and the others told me I could only guess that Barbara was mentally ill herself. Then the years of abuse took their toll. She may never have been a strong person. She put up with years of abuse before they adopted Todd. From the things Andy said Barbara might have also had a dissociative disorder herself. I do know that Todd had to have been severely traumatized to have split into at least four more alters on that day. Todd must have realized his last chance to safety had vanished. He probably also realized his mother's love had limits. One of the twins, Scared I believe, said, 'it's cause he don't want us to. No one wants to be our daddy.' I suspect he was referring to his stepfather. Sometimes I am in awe of Todd. I have spent my career working with DID patients. Most of them have lived through things no one should ever have to live through . . . but Todd . . . I have to admit, I don't know how he survived," Susannah confessed sadly.

"What must it be like in there, in that mind? What does this make . . . eighteen alters that we know of so far? How can anyone exist like that?" Sam stated more than asked.

"Todd was a child with a brilliant, creative mind," Susannah explained, "for whom virtually every waking and sleeping moment was filled with terror and pain. He was a child who had absolutely no one in his corner and no one to turn to, except in his own mind. In his mind he had Goodone and Miss Perkins and Carol. He had his hiding place. The one safe place he could go to while the other children felt the pain that was intended for him. No one could have lived Todd's life without some kind of escape and not gone completely insane or died. Todd saved himself, when there was no one to save him. He loved himself when he had no one to love him. Did you notice the way Todd held himself when Braver was comforting Scared? That is a positive thing. That is the second incident of self-soothing I have witnessed. Todd has learned to comfort himself from within his system. He has always been able to hear some of the alters. That is also a positive thing. I am hoping, eventually, Todd will be able to communicate with all the alters."

"Susannah, Todd is terrified when he hears the alters. He will do anything to stop the noise in his head. He usually dissociates because he hears them. How would hearing them be beneficial to him?" Sam asked.

"Eventually he has to learn to communicate with them in order to control them. They will always be a part of Todd. Right now they are in control. Some of them are not actively controlling Todd. For instance, some of them don't try to come out. They don't really have the control over it. Some of them do force their way out. Some use intimidation. They make Todd's head hurt or shout at him. Todd has to learn to control all of them. He has to learn how to accept his feelings and not dissociate. He has to remember the memories that go with those feelings." Susannah explained for clarity.

"Todd doesn't seem to be any closer to doing that then he was when he was first diagnosed," Sam stated.

"He's not. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but he's not," Susannah admitted and continued. "Some of it has to do with the fact that his therapy has been interrupted so often because of his physical condition. Much of it has to do with his own terror of and resistance to remembering and accepting his feelings. Todd will do anything to keep from remembering. It may not always seem that way . . . we are dealing with a very strong mind. The very same strong mind that enabled Todd to survive also enables him to be extremely resistant."

"Like the blindness or the Baby or shutting down completely," Viki listed some of Todd's ways of resisting therapy.

"Yes, exactly. There is just so far that I can push Todd before it backfires. I am going to try to get him to come out more though. I was hoping the memory trace alter, if there is one, would have shown up by now."

"Memory trace alter?" Sam was puzzled.

�Yes, that is usually a passive alter who has a more or less complete memory of the DID patient's life," Susannah explained.

"Isn't that the gatekeeper?" Sam still didn't understand.

"No, the gatekeeper is the one who decides who comes and goes in the system. Now, other helper alters can help Todd and the others to come forward and go back inside. For instance, Goodone may be able to assist Todd in coming forward and keep him safely inside when it becomes necessary. As he mentioned, he may also have the power to put Todd to sleep and wake him up when he deems it necessary. That is why he's most likely the primary internal self-helper. I don't think Goodone has the power to decide who might be complete removed or added to Todd's system. That would be the job of the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper can see to it that an alter, like Andy, becomes dormant for some reason. Goodone would also function as a caretaker alter. He is a father to Todd and some of the children. Apparently Carol is also a caretaker alter. If she serves any other function . . . well, we don't know that yet. Miss Perkins seems to be strictly a caretaker alter."

"Dear Lord! Todd's case is so much more complicated than mine was," Viki acknowledged.

"Viki, I'm afraid it is. Todd's system is extremely complicated. I've a feeling we're just touching the surface," Susannah sighed.

"All those alters in just a day or two. Todd must have been totally devastated by Barbara's rejection," Sam stated. Tears welled up in his eyes.

"The incident at his stepfather's summer house apparently caused major trauma to Todd," Susannah agreed.

"Barbara took away his last shred of hope," Sam said, angrily.

Susannah nodded in agreement and went on. "I'm not sure if Goodone existed before that incident. Todd has split off different factions of his alters. Some have no knowledge of the others and some, like Andy and Thomas, seem to be known by everyone. The important thing about Goodone is that he is the one who is in contact with Todd when he's inside. It is imperative that Goodone learns to trust us enough to encourage and assist Todd in coming forward."

"At least we know that Todd is feeling love and comfort when he goes away," Viki said wistfully.

"Yes," Susannah confirmed, "that is very important. Todd would have been destroyed long ago if he wasn't getting those needs met somehow. Todd never had the nurturing that children need. Peter would not and, for the most part, Barbara could not nurture him. Todd learned to nurture himself. Until his blindness he has never allowed anyone to do it for him. Perhaps that is another reason why he is staying blind."

"You mean because he is allowing us to hold him and take care of him since his blindness?" Sam posed.

"Exactly. In some ways his regression is not a good thing and in some ways it is. It is allowing him to accept the nurturing he would otherwise shun."

"Is he still in physical danger?" Viki asked.

"His electrolytes are in the normal range and the Osmolyte should keep them that way and should put some weight on him and take care of his nutritional needs. I want you both to realize that if after a month to six weeks we still can't get him to eat he may have a PEG tube, a more permanent feeding tube, put into his abdomen."

"A PEG tube?" Viki sounded frightened.

"Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy tube. It goes directly into the stomach. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that because it's a more difficult procedure than the NG tube. Let's not borrow trouble. If and when that becomes necessary we'll go over the details then," Susannah stated.

Sam's cell phone rang. It was Bo. He had some news from Chicago. He asked Sam to come to his office. He told him Tea was also on her way. Sam left immediately and Viki and Susannah headed back to Todd's room.

Secrets 47, Page 2

Timmy was awake. Terry told them he was in the bathroom with Frank and Jeff getting washed and dressed. After about ten minutes they came out of the bathroom. Timmy's hair was still damp from being washed. He was happy to see Viki and Susannah sitting there and sat on the floor between them.

"How's my beautiful boy?" Viki asked as she took Timmy's freshly washed and shining face in her hands. She kissed his forehead.

Timmy smiled and reached up for a hug.

"Would you like me to brush your hair out for you?" Viki offered.

"Okay." Timmy answered.

Viki was in the middle of brushing his hair when Kevin showed up.

"KEVIN! KEVIN!" Timmy shouted with joy and ran to Kevin to give him a hug.

"How's my bestest buddy?" Kevin put his arm around Timmy's shoulders as he asked him that.

"I get to go to Doctor Hanen's office and the art room later cause I feel better."

"Wow! They're practically giving you the run of the place."

Timmy giggled, then noticing a bag Kevin was holding Timmy asked, "What's in there?"

"Oh I just happened to bring a present for someone in this room. Let's see who could it be?" Kevin teased. He looked at Timmy's big eyes staring at him and continued his good-natured teasing. "Hmmm, it's for someone who's very brave and good and is my very bestest friend."

"Me?" Timmy asked shyly.

"You bet you, buddy," Kevin finally admitted. He smiled and held the bag up.

"Can I see? Can I see!� Timmy begged as he jumped up and down.

Kevin took the talking Mr. Potato Head out of the bag.

"Oooh, I don't have this. Thank you," Timmy said. He hugged Kevin again.

"There's something else," Kevin said as he reached into the bag and took out a dish and bowl set. The bottom of each was colorfully painted with pictures of birds. "These are special just for you. Do you know what makes the birds sing?"

Timmy shook his head.

"When you eat all the food off the plate and out of the bowl the birds will sing." Kevin turned to Susannah and asked, "Can he eat something now?"

"Sure can," Susannah answered.

"I'll be right back," Kevin stated to Timmy. He started to leave to go get the ice cream he left in the pantry freezer.

"No Kevin! Don't go 'way," Timmy cried out. He grabbed Kevin's arm.

"I'm only going to the pantry to get some ice cream. I know I love ice cream a whoooole lot, do you?"

"I love ice cream a whoooole lot too," Timmy copied the exact way Kevin said it.

"I got some to put in your new bowl and try it out, so I'm just going to the pantry to get it."

�I wanna go with you," Timmy pleaded.

Kevin looked toward Susannah. She nodded.

"Okay buddy. I got enough for everyone so you can help me carry everything back."

"I can't believe how good Kevin is with him." Susannah said to Viki after Kevin and Timmy left the room.

"I am very proud of Kevin. Not to make light of Clint's upbringing of the boys but Joe, Kevin's biological father, was like that. He would be the first to admit if he misjudged someone and then go out of his way to make it up to them. I always knew if Kevin could get past all that anger, sibling rivalry and resentment he felt for Todd his good heart and sense of fairness would come shining through," Viki proudly stated.

Kevin came in carrying some plastic bowls and spoons and Timmy was in charge of carrying the half-gallon of ice cream that Kevin bought. "So, who wants vanilla and who wants chocolate and who wants strawberry?" Kevin inquired.

When Timmy didn't answer Susannah and Viki spoke up. Susannah chose strawberry and Viki vanilla.

After scooping out theirs Kevin announced, "Well, I am going to have chocolate, my very favorite flavor."

"My very favorite flavor too," Timmy copied. He looked adoringly at Kevin.

It was obvious to everyone, including Kevin that Timmy idolized him and wanted to be just like him.

Kevin had never known anyone who tugged at his heart the way Timmy did. Kevin scooped some chocolate ice cream into Timmy's new bowl and some into his own bowl. Kevin pressed a timer button on the bottom of the bowl several times for each five-minute increment.

Timmy took the bowl and wanted to know, "When do the birds sing?"

"You have to finish the food in the bowl first. Then, when you do, the birds are so happy that they sing,"

Kevin informed him.

Timmy started to slowly eat the ice cream.

Knowing just how slowly Timmy ate; Kevin had set the timer on the bottom of the bowl for thirty minutes. He guessed right. Timmy was just finishing up his last spoonful when the birds started singing. They all smiled at the wondrous expression on Timmy's face.

"How did the birds know when it was all gone?" Timmy asked in amazement.

"They are very smart birds. Almost as smart as you," Kevin replied as he tapped Timmy's nose with his index finger. Kevin put his arm around Timmy's shoulders. "You see," Kevin continued, "if you finish all the food in the bowl or on the plate you can get the birds to sing. The thing to remember is you have to finish the food first."

"Can I have lunch and dinner and breakfast in this bowl?" Timmy begged.

"You sure can. You can have all your meals in that bowl or on that plate," Susannah agreed happily.

Timmy headed over to look at his new talking Mr. Potato Head.

Viki walked over to Timmy and kissed his head. She then walked to where Kevin stood watching Timmy enjoy his present. Viki hugged Kevin and kissed him on the cheek. "Where on earth did you ever find that?"

"In a novelty shop on Market Street. As soon as I saw it I thought of Timmy."

Viki kissed Kevin again and stroked his cheek. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"I know mom, I know." Kevin smiled at his mother.

Tea had already gotten to Bo's office by the time Sam got there.

Bo began as soon as Sam arrived. "I heard from Bill Jackson. He got Doctor Evans to admit that Barbara told him Peter had beaten and molested Todd."

"How did he do that! Evans was adamant about not admitting any wrongdoing?" Sam couldn't believe Bill had been able to do that.

"You'd be surprised at what a little police pressure will do," Bo responded.

"Will he testify to it?" Tea asked.

"Bill got an affidavit. He also got two of Todd's teachers to agree to testify if necessary," Bo was happy to give them some good news for a change.

"It looks like we went to the right person," Tea stated.

"This is definitely good news. Unfortunately it still is a long way from proving Todd didn't swing that bat,"

Bo pointed out, then he asked, "Sam, what did Todd look like when he was fourteen?"

"What do you mean? He looked like a kid," Sam replied and then looked off into space for a moment as he remembered fourteen-year-old Todd. Sam then continued, "He didn't look much different from the way he looks now. Smaller of course and his hair was shorter."

"How small? I mean was he big or small for his age?" Bo pushed.

"Small, Todd didn't start filling out until he was about sixteen," Sam answered. He wasn't sure what Bo was getting at.

"It is possible that they can tell from the angle and the force of the blow to Michelle's skull the approximate size of the killer. Peter was what . . . six three . . . six four maybe, about two ten . . . two twenty in weight?"

"About that," Sam confirmed.

"And Todd was what in those days?" Bo continued his questions.

Sam pictured fourteen-year-old Todd once again. Tears sprang to his eyes. Sam cleared his throat as his voice choked up with the memory of what a slight, fragile child Todd was in most ways. "He was about five foot three or four and about one hundred and ten pounds dripping wet. It was through sheer will and determination that Todd was already such a good football player. On the field you'd think he was a giant.

He shot up in height and started to bulk up when he was sixteen. He started to work out then too. In fact he would lift weights until his hands bled. Todd never did anything half way," Sam informed Bo.

"It doesn't seem to me that a small, thin boy would be able to wield the bat with as much force as a tall two hundred and ten pound adult would," Bo theorized.

"My God! Why didn't we think of that?" Tea declared.

"It just occurred to me after I spoke with you both on the phone. It was something Bill said one of Todd's teachers said to him. One of them mentioned what a slight boy Todd was in those days. That got me thinking," Bo explained.

"Thank you Bo," Tea said, taking Bo's hand. Then she added, "I knew that you could be fair about Todd."

"I guess there's a lot about Todd that the people in this town don't know," Bo admitted.

"I know," Tea agreed. "Most of them only know one side of him. Do you know that Carlotta told me that

Todd set up a fund for her adopted son Eli? He is in college now thanks to Todd. It's Todd's money that has allowed Eli to follow his drug protocol all this time. Once Eli realized that he was worth caring about and that someone thought his life was worth investing in it turned his life around. He started to behave and to do well in school. He wants to be a doctor. He wants to help kids with HIV. Physically, he's doing great, thanks to the protease inhibitors and nucleoside analogues that Todd has been paying for. Todd asked Carlotta not to tell anyone about this, but she thought I should know. Todd also started a fund for children with Aplastic Anemia whose parents have no insurance and can't afford bone marrow transplants. I didn't know about any of this until I started going over some of his papers," Tea filled them in.

"Todd didn't care if the whole world knew about the bad things he did yet he kept the good ones a secret.

It was as if he couldn't stand for anyone to see him in anyway except the distorted image of himself that

Peter ingrained in him," Sam added.

"How is Todd doing? He was pretty upset the day I saw him," Bo remembered.

"Yes, that was Jimmy," Sam confirmed.

"He's the suicidal alter, the one who finds touch painful?" Bo asked.

"Yeah, the two things Jimmy wants most in the world are to die and to be with his mother," Sam answered.

"Is he okay now?" Bo was genuinely concerned.

"They put the feeding tube back in him yesterday. If he doesn't start eating more on his own a more permanent one will have to be surgically put in his stomach," Sam said painfully.

"He can still eat normally, even with the tube?" Bo was curious.

"Yeah, the problem is Todd and most of the others suffer from varying degrees of depression and have no appetite. Susannah also thinks that Todd may be feel so completely out of control that he needs to control the one thing he can and that's eating. She says it's fairly common for some DID patients to be anorexic or to have alters who are. Todd needs more calories and nutrients than he or the alters are able or willing to consume to keep them alive," Sam explained and sighed dishearteningly.

Bo shook his head and said, "Bill is going to be coming to Llanview next week. He wants to meet with

Susannah."

"I'll tell her," Sam volunteered.

"Did he say anything about going to the DA?" Tea asked.

"No and I didn't ask. I'm sure he will let us know before he plans on seeing Steve Harris," Bo stated.

"Maybe we will have the proof we need that Todd didn't do it before that?" Tea sounded hopeful.

"They will have to find Michelle's body before they can try to determine if a boy Todd's size could have caused the kind of wound that killed her," Bo made sure to point out. He didn't want them getting their hopes up only to be disappointed.

Tea and Sam thanked Bo.

"I'll call you as soon as I hear anything else. You take care of that boy," Bo called out as they left.

"We're trying to Bo, we're trying to," Sam called back.

Kevin spent most of the afternoon with Timmy. They managed to get some mashed potatoes and custard into him using his special plate and bowl. The trick was trying to anticipate how long it would take him to eat something and then setting the timer so that the birds would sing when he was just about finished.

Kevin showed Timmy how to play with his Mr. Potato Head toy and then put together a puzzle with him.

The excitement of the day left Timmy exhausted. Kevin noticed that Timmy was starting to lean into him as they sat on the floor looking for the pieces of the, "A Day At The Playground," puzzle that they needed. He knew Timmy needed to lie down and sleep.

"Hey Timmy, I'm getting a little tired. Why don't we go sit on your bed and we can read something?"

Kevin suggested.

"Okay," Timmy agreed sleepily. Timmy snuggled next to Kevin and rested his head on his shoulder.

Kevin did not even get passed the second page of the "Baby Farm Animals" book he was reading with

Timmy before Timmy's eyes closed and he fell asleep. Kevin was not sure how to move without disturbing him. Susannah carefully lifted Timmy's head off of Kevin's shoulder and laid him down. She pulled the covers up over him.

"I've had a lot of practice by now," Susannah admitted, smiling, when she noticed that Kevin marveled at the way she did that. "Timmy likes to cuddle up to people he loves," she added.

Viki and Susannah both thanked Kevin again for finding the special plate and bowl set. They all hoped it would encourage Timmy and perhaps some of the other children to eat. Before Kevin left Susannah and Viki told him about Braver and Scared.

"Kevin, did you ever hear Todd mention anything about his stepfather or the summer house he owned in upstate New York?" Susannah inquired.

Thinking back for a minute, Kevin suddenly remembered once incident when Todd did talk about it. "I remember one time at frat house. Zack and I were in Todd's room with him. Todd had been drinking a lot. We were talking about great summer vacations that we had. I was telling them about going to dad's ranch in Arizona. Todd started talking about going to a place where he spent the best six days of his life. He said, and I remember this because it seemed like such an odd thing to say, 'I remembered almost the whole six days. Six days and I almost remembered it all.' Then his voice got kind of soft and sad and he said, 'He hated me too.' I remember asking him who 'he' was but he had already passed out from all the booze. I never even thought about that until just now. Do you think he switched while he was talking to us?" Kevin wondered out loud.

"It sounds like he might have," Susannah guessed and then asked. "Kevin can you do me a favor? Over the next few days can you try to think about any other times Todd may have mentioned things about his past, especially if he was drunk and some of his inhibitions were down."

"Sure, I'll try but do you know who you really should be talking to, Zack Rosen. He was much closer to Todd than either Powell or I. Also, they shared a cell for a while. Todd may have confided things to Zack that he never would have said to me or to Powell."

"Is Zack still in Statesville?" Susannah asked Kevin.

"Yeah, he got some extra time for being involved with a group that was selling drugs to other prisoners. I hear he's a model prisoner now though. Are you really planning on going to see Zack?"

"I'm not sure. I just might." Susannah replied.

Sam came back and told Viki and Susannah the good new about Doctor Evans and about Bo's theory that a child of Todd's size could not have caused the injury to the skull that Michelle sustained. For the time being they all dared to feel a little hopeful. They told Sam what Kevin told them about Todd and that Susannah was thinking of going to Statesville to talk with Zack Rosen. Sam thought it was worth a shot.

He was touched when Viki showed him the plate and bowl set Kevin bought and was grateful that Timmy was willing to eat, just to see the birds at the bottom and hear them sing.

Connie called Susannah's office to tell her that Todd had come back and as usual he was in a state of panic because Viki and Sam weren't there. Dave, Carl, Connie and Rob, a new tech Susannah hired, were restraining him on the bed when Viki, Sam and Susannah rushed into the room.

"He discovered the feeding tube and tried to pull it out. Do you want him in restraints?" Connie asked.

"GET AWAY FROM ME! STOOOOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! VIKI! VIKI! SAAAAAM!" Todd was shrieking.

"Todd, we're right here pal," Sam comforted him.

"Sweetheart we were just in Doctor Hanen's office. We would never go far. Todd it's Viki. We're right here with you."

"Viki?" Todd asked. His voice was weak. He was calming down. "Viki is it really you?"

Viki motioned for them to let go of Todd. They looked to Susannah for instructions. She nodded. Viki stroked Todd's head and said, "Yes sweetheart it's really me."

Todd sat up and reached for Viki and hugged her so tightly she could hardly breath. "I thought you were mad at me again," Todd whispered.

"Todd, I was never angry with you," Viki said soothingly and began to rub his back.

"Yes you were. That's why you left. I did something wrong and you left. I was so scared. I didn't want to be left all alone with him. I wanted to find you but he wouldn't let me. Mama, what did I do? Tell me so I won't do it again. Mama please tell me. I don't want you to leave me in the dark. I'm so scared. Mama please! Tell me what I did." Tears were now pouring down Todd's face as he continued to beg "mama" to tell him what he did to make her leave him the way she did.

Viki's heart was breaking. She looked at Susannah helplessly, not knowing how to answer Todd.

"Todd," Susannah spoke gently, "Viki is holding you, not mama. You didn't do anything to make mama leave. She left because of your father. She didn't leave you. She left him.

Todd looked so confused it just tore their hearts out. Todd face then scrunched up in agony. He reached up and covered his ears. "MAKE IT STOP! THEY'RE SCREAMING! IT'S TOO LOUD! IT'S TOO LOUD! OH GOD! STOOOOP!"

Susannah pulled his hands away from his ears and asked. "What are you hearing? Todd tell me. It's all right. Tell me what you're hearing."

Todd pulled up his knees and hugged them to his chest, and started rocking. "If it could just be quiet, if it could just be quiet," he whispered to himself over and over again.

Susannah held onto his hands. They were freezing cold. "Todd I want you to stay here with us. I don't want you to go away. Listen to my voice Todd. Try to hold on to my voice. Don't let yourself go away. Fight it."

"My head hurts!"

"I know it does," Susannah acknowledged.

"They're screaming at me and someone is crying. OOOOOH! IT'S GETTING LOUDER AGAIN!

PLEEEEASE MAKE IT STOP! PLEEEEESE! MY HEAD HURTS SO MUCH. MAKE IT STOOOOP!

OOOOOH! OOOOOH! PLEASE! I CAN'T STAND IT. IT'S SO LOUD. IT HURTS SO MUCH. VIKI, SAM HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP HURTING. MAKE IT QUIET! PLEASE! MAMA PLEASE. MAKE IT STOOOOP!" Todd was shrieking even louder than before.

"Susannah please! Do something. Help him!" Viki begged.

"Todd, I want you to try to slow your breathing down and relax your body" Susannah prompted.

"IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THEM STOP SCREAMING AT ME. OOOOOH! IT HURTS

SO MUCH. MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOOOOOP!"

"Todd, I want you to try to take some deep breaths. Listen to me breath and try to copy my breathing." Susannah took some slow deep breaths.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE SUSANNAH! HE'S IN AGONY. GIVE HIM SOMETHING OR LET HIM GO

AWAY!" Sam shouted at her.

Todd started to bang his head into his knees.

"Todd stop, shhhh." Susannah put her right hand on his forehead and her left on the back of his head.

Todd reached up and tried to pull her hands away.

"Sam hold him. Just let him feel himself in your arms," Susannah instructed.

Sam sat on the bed and took Todd into his arms and held on tightly. "It's Sam, Todd. It's Sam. I gotcha pal. No one's gonna hurt you. I've got you. You're safe. I love you so much Boomer. Shhhh, I've got you."

Sam could feel Todd's muscles relaxing slightly. Todd rested his head on Sam's shoulder and cried softly,

"They make my head hurt so much, Sam. They shout at me. It's never quiet. They hate me."

"Noooo Boomer. Shhhhh, no one hates you," Sam soothed.

Todd felt so weak and sleepy he couldn't even continue to hold on Sam. His arms dropped to his side.

"Don't let them come back Sam. Please, don't let them come back," Todd pleaded softly.

Sam laid Todd down, "No, don't leave me," Todd begged. His voice was so weak it was barely audible.

"I'm not leaving Boomer," Sam promised. He took Todd's hand.

"It was my fault Sam. He told me. It was my fault that mama left," Todd whispered.

"Who told you it was your fault?" Sam pressed.

"My father. He's here Sam. He just told me. He's here," Todd whimpered and fell asleep.

Susannah took his vitals and listened to his heart. "He's okay," she confirmed.

"No Susannah. He's not okay! He's not okay at all," Viki protested bitterly.

"Let's go outside," Susannah suggested. She motioned them away from Todd's bed. Rob and Dave came in to sit with him.

"How could you let him suffer like that?" Viki asked angrily the minute they were outside Todd's room.

"Susannah this episode was one of the worst he's ever had. I think it was cruel to get him to stay. Why didn't you sedated him?" Sam couldn't understand.

"I know how hard that had to be for you both to watch, bu . . ."

"For us! To hell with us! How hard was that for him. He was in excruciating pain. The voices were terrorizing him." Sam yelled in exasperation.

"I could add an antipsychotic to his medication and that might help with the voices and switching. I really don't want to do that unless it becomes absolutely necessary. There can be unpleasant side effects. There is a new class of them on the market but the long term side effects of them have not been established, however the side effects are usually severe."

Viki calmed down a little and thought about what Susannah just told them.

"Todd is already on so much medication that he can hardly function," Viki turned to Sam and stated. She then turned to Susannah. "I'm sorry. I know you are doing what you think is best for Todd. Oh God, to stand there and watch your child suffer so and hear him beg you to help him and to know there is nothing you can do to stop his pain is unbearable."

"So why not just let him go inside when this happens? Why did you force him to stay out?" Sam was calmer but still upset.

"If Todd had truly needed to escape there would have been nothing I could have done or said to stop him.

A part of him wanted to deal with what was happening. That was the part that latched on to my voice and kept Todd here," Susannah explained.

"Why do you think he is suddenly so convinced that Pete is alive? Do you think it's because of that alter? The one who hates him so?" Viki asked.

"I do believe the Peter voice Todd hears is that alter. Todd needs to be out more. I need him to tell me what's going on with him." Susannah pushed on. "I know this is not what you want to hear now. I scheduled another session with Ryan for tomorrow."

"Susannah I realize how important it is for Todd to have sessions with you and with Ryan but he is so weak now, physically and so emotionally fragile. Can't it wait until he's had the chance to build up a little?" Viki pressed.

"Viki we walk a tightrope with Todd. He's severely depressed and terrified, so he doesn't eat or want to participate in anything. He becomes more and more withdrawn. He's regressing to childlike behavior at times. His mental state contributes to his physical one. He becomes too weak and sick to participate in therapy. Todd is going in a circle. I don't believe we are doing him any favor when we just let him be. Right now Todd would like to go so far inside himself that he might never find his way back. We've learned that Todd is happy inside. He is safe and comforted. He is free from pain and terror. That's good, up to a point. Todd needs that. It's what's helping him survive. Unfortunately it also makes staying in his hiding place more seductive."

"How the hell are we supposed to compete with that? How can we offer him what Goodone does?" Sam asked in desperation.

"Todd needs to learn to feel as safe and secure and loved in our world as he does when he's with Goodone. He needs to feel that safety from you and Viki and from Tea and eventually from himself. The way Goodone hugs and holds him and the words he says to comfort Todd when he's hiding are the ones we have to give Todd and then teach him to give himself. They all need to learn that, first individually and then as part of Todd. If we could get Todd to listen to the voices, without the fear and without fighting them, we could be a step closer to him getting to know those parts of himself that he has split off," Susannah explained.

"Now, even the mere mention of the alters sets him off," Sam declared.

"In all this times he doesn't even know their names. He refuses to hear about them or he dissociates if you try to discuss it with him," Viki pointed out in frustration.

"Yes I know. Todd has been and probably still is totally resistant to any discussion of the alters or his having DID or being depressed. That is why we need to get back to regular therapy sessions and why it is so important for Todd to be the one who is out for them. If I try to discuss it with him and he goes away I will try to get him back. If I can't, then I will try again next time and the time after that," Susannah made her intent clear.

"You make it sound as if it's a battle of wills. Todd is not deliberately going away," Sam protested.

"I know he's not. Nevertheless, in a sense it is a battle of wills. It's our determination to help Todd versus the damage that Peter and Barbara did to him. I can tell you both, I will not let them win. I will not allow what they did to him to destroy him forever. I have always said Todd is a fighter. He has an amazingly strong will, but so do I. The Peter personality and any others like him that are in there can try to drag Todd inside forever, but I will hold on to him with all my might and pull him back, and I know both of you will too." Sam and Viki looked into Susannah's eyes and saw her determination to save their child.

Susannah turned to Sam and asked, "Will I need special permission to speak to a prisoner at Statesville?"

"No, I don't think so. If the prisoner is willing to speak with you there shouldn't be a problem. Does this have something to do with Todd?" Sam wanted to know.

Viki and Susannah explained to Sam what Kevin told them about Zack Rosen.

"Do you really think Zack will have any useful information?" Sam asked.

"Sam, at this point I'm willing to try almost anything. I'll talk to the devil himself if I thought it would help

Todd," Susannah declared adamantly.

"I'm sorry I was so short with you before," Sam apologized.

"We know it must tear you apart too to see Todd suffer like that," Viki added.

"My sympathy isn't going to help Todd," Susannah stated plainly, "maybe my determination will. I'm going to call Bo and see if he can set up a meeting with Mr. Zach Rosen."

TO BE CONTINUED