"We were hoping, quite frankly, for a better turnout," said Pete Best, owner of a local bowling alley, "but there wasn't that much IRNLS material in town to burn. We even shipped some in from Raleigh and Mayberry."

Locals apparently became enraged after learning of INRLS marketing guru Bob Reif's comments in a recent interview, where he stated that he believed that the IRNLS would "become bigger than Jesus in five years." An incognito Reif stated that he'd been misunderstood. "This entire thing was taken out of context," said a visibly shaken Reif. "I never said anything negative about Christianity. I said we'd be bigger than Jesus, not that we'd be better."

Confused townspeople, largely unfamiliar with the IRNLS, burned commemorative Jeff Gordon Happy Meals, old Grand Funk Railroad albums and small electrical appliances in addition to Buzz Calkins nodders and Eliseo Salazar nightlites. Students hung Tony George in effigy, looking more like AJ than the revered Hulman patriarch, from a mock gallows near the courthouse.