For those parents who have been sending their children to school this morning.
WRITE properly will you all, otherwise the list will only get longer.

______________________________________________________________________________
THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM
PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please excuse John for being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she
has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an
acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.

*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's
fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size
she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off
the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under
the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.

When a wife was asked: what book do you like best?
She answered: My husband's cheque book.

Alcohol kills slowly, so what?
Who's in a hurry anyway?

Work fascinates me; I can look at it for hours!

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.

A good discussion is like a miniskirt;
short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.

Children in backseats causes accidents;
accidents in backseats causes children.

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different.

A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been
brought
here for drinking...."
"Great!" The drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started??"

Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
(yeah, I like this one!!!)

Sitting in a pub, a man pulled a mouse out of his jacket pocket and set him on the bar.  Suddenly, the tiny creature burst into an aria from La Traviata.  A guy standing nearby couldn't believe it.  "How much do you want for the mouse?" he asked.
"You can have him for a dollar."
The deal was made, and the new owner left with the mouse.  "You must be crazy," the amazed bartender told the first man.  "Why did you ask for just a dollar?"
The man shrugged his shoulders.  "That mouse could only sing in Italian."
 

A police officer who had been sent to patrol a nudist colony called the station to file a routine report.  "Officer Smith reporting," he said to the dispatcher.
"How are things out there, Smith?" asked the dispatcher.
"No problems," he answered.  "Except my badge is killing me."
 

Two explorers were on a jungle safari when suddenly a ferocious lion jumped in front of them.  "Keep calm," the first explorer whispered. Remember what we read in that book on wild animals?  If you stand perfectly still and look the lion in the eye, he will turn and run"
"Sure," replied his companion.  "You've read the book, and I've read the book.  But has the lion read the book?"
 

A farmer's son, who had been educated at boarding schools and a city university, had no knowledge of  or interest in the land.  He was undecided about a career.  "You should stay here," his father said.  "Till the soil."
"Till the soil what?" asked his son.
 

Just before giving a lavish party at his estate, a tycoon had his swimming pool filled with poisonous snakes.  He called the guests together and announced, "To anyone brave enough to swim across this pool, I will give the choice of a thousand acres of my oil fields, 10,000 head of cattle or my daughter's hand in marriage."
No sooner were his words spoken than a young man plunged in, swam across the pool and climbed out - unscathed but breathless.  "Congratulations!" the tycoon greeted him.  "Do you want my oil fields?"
"No!" gasped the guest.
"The 10,000 head of cattle?"
"No!" the young man shouted.
"Well, how about my daughter's - "
"No!"
"You must want something," said the puzzled host.
"I just want to know the name of tje guy who pushed me in!"
 

After a snowstorm that closed all the schools, the teacher asked an eight-year-old boy if he had used his extra time constructively.
"Yes, ma'am," he replied.  "I prayed for more snow."
 

After he finished his route, a bus driver had to explain to the supervisor why he was ten minutes late: "I was struck behind a big truck."
"But yesterday you were ten minutes early," reminded the boos.
"Yeah," the bus driver replied.  "But yesterday I was struck behind a Porsche."
 

A golfer was walking around the fairway with four caddies.  "Why so many?" a friend asked.
"It's my wife's idea," the golfer answered.  "She thinks I should spend more time with the kids."
 

One friend to another: "My new neighbourhood is so classy that when I answered the door soon after I moved in, a guy greeted me: "Hi, my name is Herman, and I'll be your garbage man today.'"
 

And then there's the story of the owner of a small business who received yet another questionnaire from the government.  It began by asking "How many employees do you have broken down by sex?"
"None at all," he wrote, "although a few people do come in late in the morning."
 

"I'm beginning to understand exactly how the lottery helps education," a guy told his neighbour.  "Everytime I buy a losing ticket, I get a little smarter."