May 9, 2004

Service Theme – "Our God Is Love"

Ephesians 5:21-33

The Walls: A Healthy Relationship with Your Spouse and Family

1. Introduction

1. Illustration – Some of you have probably heard this letter that’s been circulating around on the Internet. "Dearest Jimmy, No words could ever express the great unhappiness I’ve felt since breaking our engagement. Please say you’ll take me back. No one could ever take your place in my heart, so please forgive me. I love you, I love you, I love you! Yours forever, Marie... P.S., And congratulations on willing the state lottery" (as cited on SermonCentral.com).
2. Context – We like to laugh at jokes like that, but if the truth was told we all have times when we feel like that. We’d like to get away from our spouse, our kids, the rest of our family. And sometimes we’d like to get away from them for a very long time. We’ve bought into the world’s ideas of how family relationships should work, and it’s about time we get what the Bible teaches into our heads and into our hearts. So let’s read together Ephesians 5:21-33, and I’m reading from the New Living.

2. Scripture Passage

1. Ephesians 5:21-33 (from the New Living) – (NEW SLIDE) And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. (NEW SLIDE) 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything. (NEW SLIDE) 25 And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. (NEW SLIDE) 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. (NEW SLIDE) 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. (NEW SLIDE) 29 No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. 30 And we are his body 31 As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." (NEW SLIDE) 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

3. Loving Your Family Means Being a Servant

1. We have a bit of a problem with this passage, and it centers around one word: submission. Our problem is that we don’t really understand what submission is. We tend to believe that when we submit we are letting someone have power over us to do with us whatever they want, to lord that power over us. So why would we want to submit? But could it be that submission means something totally different? Author and pastor Warren Wiersbe wrote, Submission is not subjugation. Subjugation turns a person into a thing, destroys individuality, and removes all liberty. Submission makes a person become more of what God wants him to be; it brings out individuality; it gives him the freedom to accomplish all that God has for his life and ministry. (NEW SLIDE) Subjugation is weakness; it is the refuge of those who are afraid of maturity. Submission is strength; it is the first step toward true maturity and ministry (as cited on PreachingToday.com). If we look at submission as a continuous act of the will that makes us more of what God created us to be and as moving us toward maturity in Christ, then maybe we’ll begin to realize that submission may not be such a bad thing after all.
2. Which brings us to our second misunderstanding about this passage: we think it says that wives have to submit to their husbands. It does, but look a little closer. What does verse twenty-one say? And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. In the Greek verses twenty-one and twenty-two are part of the same sentence. So what this passage is telling us is that we are all to submit to one another because of our awesome respect for Christ. (NEW SLIDE) Wives show submission by respecting their husbands. Husbands show submission by actively and sacrificially loving their wives.
3. But submission isn’t just for husbands and wives – it’s for everyone. This passage is part of a larger train of thought that begins in chapter four. We’re not going back that far this morning, but take a look at verses fifteen through seventeen of chapter five: (NEW SLIDE) So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Paul is telling us how to live, how to relate to each other, how to make sure that our lives both inside and outside the church show that He has made a huge difference in us. (NEW SLIDE) And one way that huge difference shows is when we are careful how we live, we make the most of every opportunity, we act thoughtfully, trying to understand what God’s will is, by submitting to each other out of reverence for Christ. And the perfect showcase to the world of that submission is within family relationships.
4. God has placed the husband as the head of the marriage relationship, and God holds him responsible for the welfare, physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually, of the marriage relationship and of the entire family. Paul writes that the husband is the head of the wife in the same way that Christ is head of the Church. It’s not a benevolent dictatorship – Jesus doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t force His way into people’s lives. It is a servant leadership relationship – the husband leads by serving. And wives, you’re nuts if you don’t support him in being a servant leader. Notice that I didn’t say "a slave leader" – I said a servant leader. (NEW SLIDE) Servant leaders serve their families by doing their utmost to meet their needs and by leading them in the way that God has called them to. So wives, if you are rebelling against your husband’s godly leadership, you are rebelling against God Himself and against having your own needs met. You show respect to your husband by submitting to him.
5. Some of you may be thinking, "Okay, Hawes, that’s great, but what about the kids?" (NEW SLIDE) Children are a great blessing from the Lord, but they do not own you or your marriage relationship. God put husband and wife together to become one. In verse thirty-one Paul quotes the explanation of marriage in Genesis: As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." Over the years I’ve known some folks who’ve let their kids run their lives, even when those kids become adults. All you get out of that is a very frustrated spouse, and a God who is disappointed because you didn’t trust Him enough to do it His way. Let me say it again, wives – your relationship with your husband is significantly more important than your relationship with your children. When you put your husband first, your whole family will benefit. The only exception – if your husband is leading you or your family into sin. You do not have to submit to him if it means going against God’s commands. Otherwise, Paul says respectfully submit.
6. Illustration – Author and speaker Jill Briscoe says, So, why did Paul tell wives to submit to husbands when they were in submission already? The clue is in the grammar. The verb "submit" is in the middle voice. Literally, it means "place yourself in submission." (NEW SLIDE) Sit down on the inside as well as the outside. You've been sitting down on the outside because you had no choice. Now we give you this voluntary choice, this act of will rather than this legal requirement. Paul was after a heart attitude, a spirit of humility by choice, not coercion. Paul is pro-choice where woman are concerned: the choice to lay down our lives for our brothers, sisters, husbands, and children, because we have laid it down for Christ. Richard Foster says, "[Paul] made decision makers out of those who were forbidden to make decisions." What an incredible opportunity for the Christian wife in Paul's time. The letter to the Ephesians elevates the concepts (as cited on PreachingToday.com). What an incredible opportunity you wives have to witness to God’s impact on your life through your submission to your husband!
7. Now, husbands, lest we think we’ve got a free pass, read what Paul writes in verse 25 - And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. Jesus died a brutal and painful death for the Church. That’s how much He loves the church, and that’s how much we’re supposed to love our wives. Get the picture. I don’t have too much of a problem with that. I’d die for Kim in a heartbeat. It’s a lot tougher living for her, but that’s what Christ is calling us as husbands to do. Jesus didn’t stay in the grave. He died and rose again and lives so that we can live. Our job as husbands is to pour ourselves as servant leaders into the lives of our wives. Our main job isn’t to be the studly manly man who sits around barking orders or shows off his incredible physical prowess. (NEW SLIDE) Our main job is to do everything we can to help our wives become more like Jesus. We’re partners with them in their spiritual growth. To help them with that, we serve. I hope Kim feels otherwise, but too often I do a pretty poor job of being a servant leader in my home. Hopefully I’m improving. But the goal is achieving oneness with Kim and oneness with Christ so that all of God’s great potential for our marriage and family can be achieved. That’s a high calling, gentlemen, but with God’s help we can do it.
8. What about those in this room who aren’t married? Are you off the hook? Not quite. Jill Briscoe, in the same message, says, The basis of submission is submitting ourselves to one another, or "giving way" to one another. (NEW SLIDE) Submission is giving way to somebody else. Anne Atkins, in her excellent book Split Image, says, "Before we can hope to be good husbands or wives, we must learn to be good Christians. We must all become self-sacrificial and submissive" (as cited on PreachingToday.com). Submission and self-sacrifice are for all of us, whether we’re married or not. Remember what verse twenty-one says? And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. When Paul writes "and further" he means that everything written before applies, and that this sentence applies to everyone he’s written to before. (NEW SLIDE) So basically, if you are part of a church, submission is God’s will for you. Now I wouldn’t go putting that in an advertising campaign for the church, but it is truth. You see, our world is hungering to see people who are different – people whose lives have been transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit through relationship with Jesus Christ. (NEW SLIDE) And one way that these searching souls can tell those who have been transformed by their relationship with Jesus Christ apart from everybody else is their self-sacrificial submission to each other. Once again, God’s best showcase for submission is in family relationships. Relationships within our human families and relationships within God’s family. We’ll talk more about the second one next week. But the point is that the way we relate to the members of our families demonstrates our level of faith in and commitment to Christ to our world.
9. Now I know some of this may seem a bit old-fashioned, and by our world’s standards it may be. But this is also the same world that is tearing marriages and families apart with self-gratifying lies. And please take what I’m going to say with the knowledge that I understand that for many people these things have happened against their will or against their best first choice. But still our world tells us that, if you decide you don’t like your spouse, just ditch him or her. Our world tells us that, if you decide you don’t like your parents or your siblings, you can just sue for emancipation or to be placed in a different family, and you stand a good chance of winning. Our world tells us that, if you’ve been burned by someone of the opposite sex, try the same sex. Or how about multiple partners with no commitment whatsoever. Or how about booze or drugs, which are okay as long as you don’t get caught. Or how about pornography or internet chat rooms or – the list could go on and on. (NEW SLIDE) The point is this: if we are fully committed and transformed disciples of Jesus Christ, we’re going to live differently than this. What’s in the past is in the past. Move forward with Jesus in our family relationships and show the world what great things Jesus can do in us!
10. Illustration – Melvin Newland writes, Do you remember the story about Tony Toto, of Allentown, PA.? He operated a pizza parlor there. Tony Toto survived at least 5 attempts on his life, all arranged for or carried out by his dear wife, Frances, & her lover. Twice she arranged for assailants to beat him over the head with baseball bats. On one occasion she put a tripwire across the basement stairs in their house, hoping that he would trip over it & plummet to his death. Twice she arranged for him to be shot. The first time she drugged his chicken soup so he would sleep soundly, & he was shot in the head, but miraculously survived. The 2nd time he was shot in the chest, but only sustained minor injuries. Now this is a picture of a real happy couple, isn’t it? Even more miraculous than Tony’s survival was his attitude toward his wife once he found out she was responsible for all of this. Tony, a self-confessed lady’s man himself, said that he held his wife blameless. When she was found guilty & sent to prison for arranging for his murder, he took their 4 children & visited her every week - every single week. Then when she was released from prison, she went back to their red brick home to resume her married life with Tony. With his arm around her, Tony said, "We’re more in love now than ever before. I don’t understand why people break up over silly little things" (as cited on SermonCentral.com). If Tony can forgive his wife and move on, maybe we as Christians can do the same thing.
11. What’s God been speaking to your heart this morning? It’s a time not only for conviction by the Holy Spirit, but also for forgiveness and for starting a new life of mutual submission within our families.

4. Conclusion

1. Please bow your heads and close your eyes out of respect for each other’s privacy. What has God been speaking to your heart this morning? How are you doing in this area of submission in your family relationships? How are you doing at serving those in your family?
2. If God’s been speaking to your heart that you need to do better in these areas, and you want to commit to being more submissive and being a better servant to those in your family, please raise your hand right now as a sign of that commitment. I’ll pray for you. If you’re committing to submitting to your family members or to being a better servant leader, please raise your hand now. Let’s pray.