The Truth about "Bob"
Nixon and Jack
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One nautical mile off the coast of Washington D.C. a broken man sits on the regal observation deck of the U.S.S. Sequoia drowning his soul in gin. "They are all against me, from the start they where all against me" he let the forgiving burn of blue sapphire absolve him with every tug. Richard Millhouse Nixon fretted just hours before dawn, feeling the wreckage of everything he had accomplished in his administration just beneath the veil of dusk. "Oh mighty sea do you have an answer for me, a man betrayed by his own countrymen, can I find solace in your mystery?" He draped one presidential leg over the railings the damp air causing the red white and blue silk pajamas to cling to his thigh. The oblivion of the deep blue was bludgeoned by a green flash followed by a screaming geyser. Nixon nearly tumbled overboard, which set his heart racing despite his intentions. He righted himself and peered over the rail again to see a krakan like arm desperately thrust skyward in an attempt to escape some impending danger. The arm went under, and was followed by a slick of orange blood, which boiled to the surface. The sea was almost returned to a more serene state when again the swells where visited by a new interloper. It dog paddled its way toward the sequoia and grasped the ladder at the stern. A man, magnificent specimen of masculinity hauled himself aboard wearing nothing but a Speedo fashioned of dollar signs. What was TRULY odd about this man was his permanent grin clamped down on a pipe which was still lit despite of the fact it had had been entirely submerged for god knows how long. "Ahoy there Mr. President, hope you don't mind me coming aboard like that" said the man "S-stop right there don't come any closer, who are you�.GUARDS!" Nixon sputtered. "Now wait friend, no need to get your dander up" his voice was magical, soothing even. "Now I've been watching the ol' tube and saw your troubles and me being a patriot and all, I figured I should make you a deal" His salesman's hand extended to him was somehow irrevocably convincing. "A deal? Are you Russian! CIA? Illuminati? Gerald ford didn't send you did he?" "Oh no nothing like the, I am a good old fashioned red blooded American who wants to sell a solution to his beloved government for a real steal. It's the American dream after all�government contracts. The name is Dobbs by the way�"Bob" Dobbs" He made a precise leap to the observation deck planting himself noiselessly next to the berefted Commander and chief. Nixon was in awe of this "Bob" Dobbs. His bottle black hair looked natural even when wet, his face-his skin was flawless without blemish like some sacrificial lamb. That thought "Sacrificial lamb" endeared him to Dobbs immediately. "Come aboard then, do you care for a drink Mr. Dobbs?" "Please call me "Bob". And no thanks I never touch the sauce anymore Connie wouldn't approve." " "Bob" gave him a firm reassuring shake. "Well (erm) I always say you can never trust a man who doesn't drink-shows a lack of character-but if "Connie" is it? If the woman in your life doesn't approve then I can't force you. But I hope you don't mind If I continue�." His words where chorused by the swish in the gin bottle. "So what's this deal you're offering? Hmm? Why should I trust you?" Nixon Locked eyes with the dashing young salesman. The face reflected back in those somewhat absent pair of peepers was nothing less than disturbing, right eye was his face haggard and old-the reflection in the right eye was of an old man that had the vigor and the looks of a strapping 20 year old. "Y-your eyes? What's the matter with your eyes?" he momentarily backed away "My eyes? Whatever do you mean chief? I think the stress is getting to you but no worries friend we shall fix you up now. Have you ever eliminated�."Enemies" of the national peace? People that threaten this great nation and your personal path to power and happiness? Have you ever thought about�.time travel?" Nixon could only blink, he didn't know he was blinking in Morse code�he was spelling out "Sucker" in ancient Sumarian�in morse code. He thought to himself with the shock of seeing your parents doing it on the dinner table on Christmas eve�..How could he know, he COULDN'T know I took all the precautions. "Alright who are you working for "Bob"? did Gerald ford send you? Your not one of those hippie insurrectionist? And time travel? My administration has NEVER funded any such research you are probably one of those Rosswell nuts!" "Now hold right there friend! I know for darn good and sure that it was nothing more than weather balloon that crashed back in 47. I should know I was the one who clipped the damn thing with my flying saucer. ALMOST CRASHED myself but I through two of the nazi hell beasts out an airlock-little pansies thought they could capture me. Anyway back to bushiness what I am offering you is a fabulous new product JUST made available from the kelp jungles outside of southern Atlantis! I spared no thought to your personal expense to acquire it!" He reached into his Speedo's causing Nixon to back up even further. I seemed to be strugeling shifting something large back and forth, trying to dislodge it "Jesus Christ man what are you doing?" cried Nixon "Hold it a minute mack I know you're going to get all excited to see this�damn I keep forgetting how big it is�ah got it" Nixon held his hands over his eyes in anticipatory horror! "Have look at this bad boy chief�aw common don't be a scardey cat I won't leave until you at least hold for a minute." Said "Bob" somewhat offended. Nixon was unshaken in his resolve to hide his eyes from such indecency. But then curiosity got the better of him. He warily lowered his hand to see that "Bob" was holding and oversized wristwatch "This little beauty is a wristwatch brought here by the founders of this planet. Its amazing prehistory technology allows you to literally SAW through the fabric of time: has a display for all global timelines, digital myan calendar, and look the face is studded with genuine opalesque stones of an indeterminant origin." "You've got to be kidding me�..It displays time in ALL the time zones? Even mountain central?" Nixon interjected. "Bob secretly rolled his third eye" Said the narrator "Who in gods name are you. For the love of�this is the presidential Yacht not grand central station" "Hissed Nixon angrily�now brandishing his gin bottle menacingly" "Damn straight I'm angry and if you don't get off my boat now I will show you what for" "The narrator quickly realizes the dangers of misplaced quotation marks�.and worse queering "Bobs" pitch" and immediately returns you to the story. As I was saying "Bob" secretly rolled his third eye "Chief I think you are missing the point. Think about it, Time travel�" he waited politely for this information to sink in. "Bob" couldn't believe what a hard sell this guy was. "Oh I see. I could travel back in time to stop the misunderstanding at the democratic headquarters." He smiled with a new hope arising in him "Oh heavens no, If you do that you may NEVER have been re-elected." "I uh�could arrange for the witnesses to go on a long vacation? Perhaps to the French Riviera? Or tropical paradise of there choosing?" "Oh heavens no! The French Riviera! Might as well kill me!" "That's it I can Kill Woodward and Bernstein before they go sticking their grubby little noses where they don't belong!" Nixon said gleefully. "No that would be murder, and besides I sold one of these to Geraldo Rivera�he was muttering something about some vault�anyways-NO-we can travel back in time to make sure that this trouble gets nipped in the but from the start." "The start? I don't understand you said we couldn't go back to the scene of the "Incident" "Oh no we have to go MUCH further back than that. We can do this so nobody gets hurt and all it will cost you is an easy 30 grand and one of the Rembrandts you have stashed in your secret bunker." "What is your plan "Bob"?" Nixon was nearing the point no return. "Oh it's simple, through the fabric of time we can trace the lineage of those traitorous scalawags to see the genesis of their interest in quote unquote journalism. We can see the five influences in their lives who inspired them to achieve their goals. You see if we get there eighth grade English teacher, next door neighbor, best friend and third cousin to steer them towards a rewarding career in creamed corn you are free and clear buddy ol pal. If you go back in time and sell these dell monte stocks to THIS list of names, RIGHT when the stock was about to split repeatedly. They will be SO caught up in their family fortunes they wouldn't give a damn about the hopes and dreams of to nosey young punks and VOILA�.woodward becomes fashion consultant to the stars and Burnstein acheives his true destiny as prince of the undead." "His true destiny? How do you know its his true destiny? Unless you come from a different continuum of the same temporal stream, the artery of our reality and due to some cataclysmic event of YOUR doing we are caught in a doomed current of the cosmos that inevitably leads to nowhere! How else could you now that Woodward an Bernstien where truly destined to be fashion consultants and princes of the undead." His faced red he was again threatening the world with his gin bottle "Whoa easy there buddy, I did nothing to the whosit of the whatsit�they just seemed like the fashion consultant/undead type that's all. So what do you say? Are you ready to take hold of your destiny at the lowest prices in town?" "I can write you a check" "Bob" strapped the watch to the nervous presidents wrist and showed him how to activate it. "Give at good swish like your buckling a swash Pres." He said through his grin "Like I'm buckling a what?" he spun at a most inopportune moment, several micropution supremacists of the gas giant Tod had tilted five quarks in a bad direction in attempt to kill one of the parasites on the dirtball now occupying its atmosphere spoiling EVERYTHING. The cartoonish buzz saw lunged out like dog on the scent of bacon. It sheered through the quarks, which in turn folded space-time and sent "Bob" and Nixon in altogether the wrong direction. Unfortunately Nixon never saw the poorly dressed Englishwoman strolling past the alleyway as they stepped through the rift. He was to busy looking away in fright to retract the buzz saw in time. She fell wordlessly to the grime of the piss slick cobblestones. "Whoa miss are you alright?" the president was a bit shocked "Aw she's fine chief common it's late we should get us a hotel and get to work first thing in the morning" "Bob" drug his new pal away by the arm not noticing the poor unfortunate quivering on the ground. They awoke the next morning to a lavish breakfast in one of Victorian London's finest hotels. "Bob" was reading the comics in that days edition. Only Nixon noticed the headlines of the front page. "August 31 1888 Marry Anne Nichols found most brutally slain in white chapel district" Nixon felt like puking "Oh go, what have we done."
