Is there even such a thing?
I have always felt that I never had the love of my parents... sure they give me money for education and all the neccesary stuff. But honestly, my family is probably still together because my parents don't want to 'lose face' and get a divorce. They are both very 'old fashion' chinese and a divorce aren't really an option. If anything, I really pity my mom. She has a lot to put up with. My dad is a communist dictator in the house. I know my mom hates him, actually everyone in the family hates him. And the family has never been close to each other. My dad lies a lot. And sad to say, it has rubbed off on me. I want to change and I'm trying. I lack a sense of 'family' love in that sense. I guess that's why i try hard seeking it from outside.
My life at home is pretty much governed by my dad. He has the ultimate say in everything. Why do I not rebel like my brother and I still listen to him? Because I care about my future. If I rebel against my dad, he would kick me ad my bro out of the house. And he can do it. At least for now, I still have funding for my education. And that's where my future and hope lies. I have screwed up in my Uni studies once, and I'll make damn sure that'll never happen again.
I want to break out of this life that I'm in. I WANT OUT! All I ask for is someone to be understanding of me and to support me emotionally. For a guy, I am definitely too emotional. I cry too easily and get hurt very easily as well. And when I let my emotions take over. All hell is loose. I say and do stuff that I dont really mean and end up hurting people I care. If I feel hurt or depress, I drop everything I do and just do nothing. Which is very bad and it's what that has lead to my demise today. I wish theres some pills that can control these surging emotions of mine. I get hurt too easily. WAY too easily.To the people that I have hurted, I'm sorry. I really don't want to be like this. I'm too weak. Too weak to do anything for myself. I hate myself for that.
I need to grow stronger from all this pain. Or else I'll always be stuck in this endless loop. And for me, the only way to get out of this.. is to tell myself that maybe love is not for everyone. All I need is myself. I have to live for myself, not for anyone else. I should be my own priority. I just have to accept the fact that I can't be loved, because of who I am. And that's okay. I have to teach myself that it's okay to be alone. For you see, I've always been alone anyway. At the end of the day, there's no one else to depend on except for myself. Friends? What about them. Sure they do play an important part. BUT, friends can only do so much and they have their own problems to deal with. They have their own life to deal with. They even have relationships to deal with. And you know what, I am done with this stupid love thing.
Frankly, I really don't believe in such a thing as love anymore. It's just some stupid feeling generated by our hormones which gives us the false impression that there's something more to the reproduction and the survival of mankind. End of the day, that's how nature is. The survival of a species. Somehow, we humans are 'blessed' with this thing called emotion. Nothing but a hindrance. Seriously, who are we kidding. Love? Bullshit.. total bullshit. I thought I was loving someone I really cared for, someone I would give my life for, only to have my feelings thrown out the window and was made to feel like I'm worth nothing. I do give credit to her for trying to have reciprocate the feelings. Which for some moments, I thought there's nothing more I could ever ask for, and I was the happiest man alived. But for the price I'm paying now... it sure doesn't seem like it was worth it. In a relationship, no one is right and no one is wrong. I guess that's how it's suppose to be. I have no regrets in giving my all, at least I know my own worth now. I hope I've comed out of it a better person.
All I'm saying is, if you choose to be in a relationship, you'd have to know the risks involved. I believe that if you choose to be in one, you have to put your everything in making it work. Else it wouldn't be worth it. If you choose to just be in a relationship half-heartedly, in my opinion, dont. You have no idea how much you would hurt the other person you are with and if they have put everything on the line for the relationship, I really don't think it's fair for them.. now would it?
To whoever who read this, please dont take me too seriously. Im just typing along as I think. It's just my opinion. However, I do believe it is better to have 'loved' and lost than not to have 'loved' at all. And alls fair in 'love' and war. I will just consider myself a wounded soldier in this love game and I'm retiring or more like quitting the game. I've had my fair share of this thing called 'love'. I now know I am not made to deal with it. I simply can't. My life would only be dragged down by it. I 'feel' too much, and hence get hurt too easily. A good friend of mine once told me that I could be the most successful person in my own rights. I know I can, and nothing will stop me from achieving just that. To me now, feelings such as 'love' are too much of a hindrance for me. Afterall, I have gone thru most of my teenage life searching for 'it' and never reach or found it. And guess what? I have survived without it! Now, if I didnt try to find this elusive feeling called 'love', and I focus more on what I wanted to do then (study, basketball, tae kwon do... etc). I would have achieved SO much more. So, this decision of mine now is definitely the best thing to do!
I'd like to thank the lady that has broken my heart for having giving me a chance to love someone with all I got. I don't blame her for anything. I know she did try hard to reciprocate my feelings. And it's definitely better for her that I'm totally out of her life now. I was not only dragging myself down, I was un-wittingly dragging her down as well. I wish nothing but the best for her and her future. I guess for me to feel hurt is only natural and I know she had no choice but to do what she had to do. As I've said, alls fair in love and war. Whatever it is, life will go on. And things can only get better.
Hopefully, this will be my last entry on this matter. I really don't want to diccuss about all this nonsense anymore. In the next entry, I'd like to speak out on more substantial stuff. If you actually took the time to read everything here, THANK YOU. and any remarks or suggestion is most welcomed.
Email me at [email protected] <--- Back ----