I dont mean love from parents (not from my dad anyway) or friends or relatives and stuff... Im
talking about the 'real' thing. The strong emotion bond between 2 person. The one where it
makes you smile just thinking of them. Or just seeing them smile or laugh makes the high point
of your day. You would do ANYTHING in the world just to put a smile on their face. Or where
your mouth gets all dried up and sometimes get lost for words when you are with them, just
because you cant believe you are so lucky to have met that person. I can go on and on.. but you
catch my drift.
OR do you? I wonder how many people actually feel how I feel? Because what do I know
about love? I've never been in a relationship. I was close to being in one but I screwed up so
badly that everything that seem right suddenly turn SO bad and nasty so quickly that I didnt
even have time to catch my breath. I'm still left sttting here by myself wondering what
happened. I was left with the impression that I was the worse ever thing that has happened to
her. I know I've done and said things that I probably shouldnt have. But given the
circumstances I felt that I did the best I know how. Definitely not the best I could have offered.
But I was just so overwhelmed by the whole situation. It was my 1st time being in a situation of
that magnitude and I was lost and confused. I didnt even concentrate on my studies just
because I wanted to be close to her. With hindsight, that was definitely not the wisest thing to
do. My only defence.. love. I was caught up in the moment. At that time, nothing more was
more important to me. As I look back, I definitely was too stupid to realise that I was not only
driving the person I cared most away from me, but I was chucking my own future into the
drain. Foolish me.
Looking back, the me now probably could have handled the whole situation better. But it's
hard to say. Even now, after 6~7 months since we had a decent conversation, I still miss her,
BADLY. I can't say why I still feel so strongly for someone who now feels that I am probably
the most pathetic, useless scumbag in the world. Love? I hope it is. But I feel it might not be.
Love shouldn't hurt so bad.
What Im feeling now is like having all my guts sucked out and feeling breathless and lifeless.
It's like a dagger piercing thru my heart over and over again. It's as if time is on a standstill and
the pain just won't go away. My lips are dry and sore, I'm dying inside. I feel nothing except for
the agonising pain. An excrutiating pain that doesnt seem to go away. I dont want to feel like
this. Nobody should feel like this. It's not right. It's just not right. Love? Is this love? Is this the
price to pay for loving someone with all you got? I know you cant expect the person you love to
love you back the way you want them to. So, by putting your heart out on the line, you are
bound to be hurt. How badly depends on how much you actually love that person, I suppose.
But that's just my opinion anyway. I'm actually losing track of what I origianlly wanted to
discuss.geez