Here are quotes either written down by me listening (so they may not be accurate) or found randomly on the web. I've bleeped out any words that could offend people.
Season 1 Quotes
[As Jackie the prostitute's wig falls off]
Jackie: Oh s****, now everone know's I'm not a cancer patient.
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Johnson: You ever wore a thong before?
Wiegel: Oh, oh yeah I wear them to the beach a lot
Johnson: Really?
Wiegel: because the sand burns my feet...
Johnson: No!! Not that thong, the thong that has the little string that goes up like a slingshot up your bum
Wiegel: Oh oh no! Of course not!
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[the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
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[Jones reads a note in the bag of tacos he and Garcia ordered from a fast food taco joint]
Deputy S. Jones: Officers, there are two armed men inside.
Deputy James Garcia: I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
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Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
Deputy S. Jones: You think so?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
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[Officer Garcia has been shot]
Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help. Help.
Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.
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Garcia locked himself in a morgue freezer on a bet]
FBI Agent: Hey, get out of that freezer, sir. That's for dead people, not living idiots.
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Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What if I said, "Which n***** took the last donut?"
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: That is wildly inappropriate.
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Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey Terry, Sherrifs Department!
Terry: Hey Guys!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Heyy.
Terry: Whats goin down?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya whats goin down Terry, You know that they've installed a camera right here at this redlight here.
Terry: Oh My god!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a redlight.
Terry: Oh wow that's awesome, It's like the future.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome.
Deputy Travis Junior: So you know why we're here?
Terry: Why was there a fire?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a H.J. during the redlight.
Terry: Oh my god, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do.
Deputy Travis Junior: Except we've got about...
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night.
Terry: Well, I can see how you would think that, But I sell... oranges.
Deputy Travis Junior: You sell oranges?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges?
Terry: Mmhm!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, I'd like some too.
Terry: I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges... I run out and people are like Beep Beep, I go okay, and say you're driving and I just put it in their laps.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well...
Deputy Junior: I dont know about that.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on Terry.
Terry: I cant, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about.
[Begins tugging Terry away on his roller skates]
Deputy Travis Junior: We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this redlight up here that's what we're talking about.
Terry: Okay okay, a hand job is still a job okay?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on easy does it, Zanna do it right into the car.
Terry: You Zanna Don't it!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Did he just say "Zanna Don't it?"
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Terry: I heard a rumor... Mexican werewolves are coming up from the border and selling crack!
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Terry: There's was this guy at the store with this flamethrower, and he like grabbed this lady's baby and he's like,
"Oh, I'm gonna kill this baby!" It was so sad, I was like crying...
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Garcia: uh, I don't know who's doing it, uh, i brought in some homemade tamale's, my mom made them, and I have found they are mussed up, fingerprints on 'em, don't know who it is, don't wanna know, all I'm saying is, keep your g****** f****** mitts off of my tamales, ok?
Dangle: Now that you're pointing fingers, I'd like to know, who took the fingerprint dusting kit out of the fingerprint area.
All of a sudden there were fingerprints on your tamales? How did you check that T.J. Hooker?
Garcia: Well, It should not be to the point where I have to check it, MacGyver.
Dangle: MacGyver was not a police officer.
Garcia: Well, he was an investigator.
Dangle:No he was not-
Garcia: Yes he was!
Dangle: HE was not!
Jones: He was an inventor..
Garcia: The guy I MEANT was Matlock, that's who i meant,
Dangle: MATlock, fine, Matlock is-
Wiegel: Quiet down, Maude! (pointing to Dangle, cheeky smile)
(laughs are heard, Dangle just stares at Wiegel)
Garcia: That's a sitcom!
Johnson: You are on the moon, Wiegel, I'm sorry.
(later)
Junior:Wasn't Matlock a lawyer?
Dangle: S***, Matlock WAS a lawyer
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Season 2 Quotes
Dangle:I'm not your little Dapper Dan doll, ok?
Wiegel: I don't go to your job and tell you you're going to hell.
Wiegel: I'll bite your t**s off.
Wiegel: Hey everybody look this doughnut kind of looks like a shrimp.
Dangle:Why don't you stick a burning stick in my eye."
Williams: What about mace? Are you immune to mace?