Title: Absolution
Author: Renenet
Category/Spoilers: Gen; Friendship; Angst, Smarm / Season 2. Tag for "Need".
Warnings: Too sweet. Unbetaed. Possible need for tissues. Bad formatting.
Summary: Jack and Daniel have a talk... (or: What happened between the "thing" in the storeroom and the last scene in Need?)
..."You decent yet?", Jack O'Neill called from the
door before barging in headfirst.
A quiet 'yeah' floated from the semi-dark room and he peeked around the door, than quietly closed it behind him. He stuffed his hands into pockets, deliberately being casual and relaxed, because the person before him was everything but.
Daniel was sitting on the bed, finishing buttoning his shirt, head down, his face pale in the dim light. Jack knew the younger man has lost some weight, but all in all, he passed through the whole withdrawal-thing relatively unscathed. Physically, at least.
But what is going through that head of yours now, Danny, eh?
One look at the forlorn figure before him told him enough.
You can't even look at yourself in the mirror, because you hate what you've been and done. And you can't look at me either, because of what you think you'll see. Oh, Danny, I know exactly what it's like. And I'll be damned if I let you suffer in silence until there's nothing left of you.
"Hey...". Jack moved slowly, taking a chair and seating himself just in front of Daniel, their knees almost touching. Daniel flinched, just visibly, then whispered 'hey' as his fingers finally stopped messing with the shirt and his hands rested in his lap. The head was still down, chin practically touching his chest. Jack thought of all the things he could and should say.
Well, lets try casual approach. Certainly can't hurt.
"Fraiser says your blood chemistry is back to normal and all the drugs wore off. She's letting you out, but she's gonna do your bloodwork every two days for the next two weeks, just to be on the safe side. I mean, it's all a new territory for Earth medicine..."
Jack studied his friend closely, looking for a reaction - any reaction - to his words. Finally, a barely perceptive nod, a few strands of hair falling over the younger man eyes.
Well, at least there's a response. But I guess that's the best you can do, under the circumstances, Danny. So, let's try to change that, shall we?
Slowly, careful not to startle him, Jack put his hand on both of Daniel's, squeezing them slightly. He knew what he should say, the only thing he could say.
"It wasn't your fault", he all but whispered, putting all the reassurance into his voice that he could muster.
A slight flinch told him that he'd been heard.
A long minute of strained silence passed before Daniel moved. Infinitely slowly at first, his upper body leaned forward, until his head touched O'Neill's shoulder.
Jack closed his stinging eyes as his hands moved to hold the now trembling body wrecked with silent sobs. "Shhhh...it's okay, Danny...It was't your fault..."
A heart wrenchin sob escaped from Daniel's effort to remain quiet. "...I'm sor- ...sorry...Jack...so...sorry...I'm-...so....ashamed....please....don't-....don't hate....me...!"
The last of the stuttered sentence was heavily distorted by strong trembling of his voice, but Jack recognized the words nevertheless. And realized it was time to see the truth, not just hear it He leaned back a bit, releasing his firm hold of his friend, putting his hands on Daniel's arms instead, gripping them tightly.
"Danny...Look at me..."
The head pulled back, but remained down and quiet sobbing echoed through the room.
"Daniel..! Look at me!", he raised his voice just a bit, hoping to get through. After what seemed like ages, Daniel finally raised his head slowly, self-condemning tears streaming silently down his face.
Jack shook him slightly. "Look at me!!"
The blue eyes overflowed by grief managed to hold his gaze for several long moments. It just had to be enough.
Jack leaned into his face, forcing him to look directly into his own eyes and read there what he didn't let himself hear and feel. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you!"
Daniel was looking at him now, hope slowly replacing guilt in his eyes at the sight of tears on the older man's face.
Jack shifted his hands onto either sides of Daniel's face, wanting to engrave his next words deeply into other man's soul. Because he was certain this would be the first and the last time he'll say anything like this to Daniel.
Still, his voice trembled with the quiet admission. "A father does not desert his child just becuse it made a mistake...You understand what I'm sayin' here?"
The expression on Daniel's face was almost too painful to watch.
So when he hung his head in stunned silence, Jack pulled him in a rough, long overdue embrace. Daniel gave in, finally letting go in his misery.
Some undefined time later Jack gently released him, giving them both some breathing space. Placing a feathery kiss on top of Daniel's head he stood up, then nodded towards the bathroom, his hand ruffling Daniel's hair.
"Go get freshed up, we've got an appointment with my VCR and and the biggest pizza we can find", he said with a smile as Daniel lifted himself from the bed.
But he was still looking anywhere but at Jack.
Aw, hell, Danny, where is that brilliant smile of yours when I need one? But you can't smile just yet, can you now? Because you're so ashamed of yourself that you'd gladly dissapear into the deepest hole in the whole goddamned universe...
He reached out with his arm, his hand resting on Daniel's chin, forcing him to lift his head.
"Heads up, Danny...Look at me..." C'mon kid, now is as good time as any to start thinking of yourself as a human being again. C'mon...
Daniel quickly averted his eyes, his chin trembling under Jack's fingers, and then his face crumpled with misery and silent tears broke free once more. Jack fought the impulse to engulf his friend in his arms, instead he let his own eyes fill with moisture as he repeated the action - a gentle tug on the chin and wispered words. "Heads up...Look at me..."
Finally, Daniel complied and a set of blue eyes shyly looked at Jack, resisting the urge to break away their gaze. Jack left his hand on Daniel's cheek and smiled gently.
"There you are...Hey, Danny..." It's okay...apology accepted...no looking back, kiddo...only forward, high speed...
He was rewarded with a small almost-smile twitching nervously Daniel's lips, as if fighting with all its might to stay. Then a quiet acceptance of absolution. "Hey, Jack".
A real smile broke across Jack's face, his hand shifting from Daniel's face to lightly slap his shoulder. "Go on, 'freshen up...we've got some pizza to catch..!"
A quiet 'yeah' floated from the semi-dark room and he peeked around the door, than quietly closed it behind him. He stuffed his hands into pockets, deliberately being casual and relaxed, because the person before him was everything but.
Daniel was sitting on the bed, finishing buttoning his shirt, head down, his face pale in the dim light. Jack knew the younger man has lost some weight, but all in all, he passed through the whole withdrawal-thing relatively unscathed. Physically, at least.
But what is going through that head of yours now, Danny, eh?
One look at the forlorn figure before him told him enough.
You can't even look at yourself in the mirror, because you hate what you've been and done. And you can't look at me either, because of what you think you'll see. Oh, Danny, I know exactly what it's like. And I'll be damned if I let you suffer in silence until there's nothing left of you.
"Hey...". Jack moved slowly, taking a chair and seating himself just in front of Daniel, their knees almost touching. Daniel flinched, just visibly, then whispered 'hey' as his fingers finally stopped messing with the shirt and his hands rested in his lap. The head was still down, chin practically touching his chest. Jack thought of all the things he could and should say.
Well, lets try casual approach. Certainly can't hurt.
"Fraiser says your blood chemistry is back to normal and all the drugs wore off. She's letting you out, but she's gonna do your bloodwork every two days for the next two weeks, just to be on the safe side. I mean, it's all a new territory for Earth medicine..."
Jack studied his friend closely, looking for a reaction - any reaction - to his words. Finally, a barely perceptive nod, a few strands of hair falling over the younger man eyes.
Well, at least there's a response. But I guess that's the best you can do, under the circumstances, Danny. So, let's try to change that, shall we?
Slowly, careful not to startle him, Jack put his hand on both of Daniel's, squeezing them slightly. He knew what he should say, the only thing he could say.
"It wasn't your fault", he all but whispered, putting all the reassurance into his voice that he could muster.
A slight flinch told him that he'd been heard.
A long minute of strained silence passed before Daniel moved. Infinitely slowly at first, his upper body leaned forward, until his head touched O'Neill's shoulder.
Jack closed his stinging eyes as his hands moved to hold the now trembling body wrecked with silent sobs. "Shhhh...it's okay, Danny...It was't your fault..."
A heart wrenchin sob escaped from Daniel's effort to remain quiet. "...I'm sor- ...sorry...Jack...so...sorry...I'm-...so....ashamed....please....don't-....don't hate....me...!"
The last of the stuttered sentence was heavily distorted by strong trembling of his voice, but Jack recognized the words nevertheless. And realized it was time to see the truth, not just hear it He leaned back a bit, releasing his firm hold of his friend, putting his hands on Daniel's arms instead, gripping them tightly.
"Danny...Look at me..."
The head pulled back, but remained down and quiet sobbing echoed through the room.
"Daniel..! Look at me!", he raised his voice just a bit, hoping to get through. After what seemed like ages, Daniel finally raised his head slowly, self-condemning tears streaming silently down his face.
Jack shook him slightly. "Look at me!!"
The blue eyes overflowed by grief managed to hold his gaze for several long moments. It just had to be enough.
Jack leaned into his face, forcing him to look directly into his own eyes and read there what he didn't let himself hear and feel. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you!"
Daniel was looking at him now, hope slowly replacing guilt in his eyes at the sight of tears on the older man's face.
Jack shifted his hands onto either sides of Daniel's face, wanting to engrave his next words deeply into other man's soul. Because he was certain this would be the first and the last time he'll say anything like this to Daniel.
Still, his voice trembled with the quiet admission. "A father does not desert his child just becuse it made a mistake...You understand what I'm sayin' here?"
The expression on Daniel's face was almost too painful to watch.
So when he hung his head in stunned silence, Jack pulled him in a rough, long overdue embrace. Daniel gave in, finally letting go in his misery.
Some undefined time later Jack gently released him, giving them both some breathing space. Placing a feathery kiss on top of Daniel's head he stood up, then nodded towards the bathroom, his hand ruffling Daniel's hair.
"Go get freshed up, we've got an appointment with my VCR and and the biggest pizza we can find", he said with a smile as Daniel lifted himself from the bed.
But he was still looking anywhere but at Jack.
Aw, hell, Danny, where is that brilliant smile of yours when I need one? But you can't smile just yet, can you now? Because you're so ashamed of yourself that you'd gladly dissapear into the deepest hole in the whole goddamned universe...
He reached out with his arm, his hand resting on Daniel's chin, forcing him to lift his head.
"Heads up, Danny...Look at me..." C'mon kid, now is as good time as any to start thinking of yourself as a human being again. C'mon...
Daniel quickly averted his eyes, his chin trembling under Jack's fingers, and then his face crumpled with misery and silent tears broke free once more. Jack fought the impulse to engulf his friend in his arms, instead he let his own eyes fill with moisture as he repeated the action - a gentle tug on the chin and wispered words. "Heads up...Look at me..."
Finally, Daniel complied and a set of blue eyes shyly looked at Jack, resisting the urge to break away their gaze. Jack left his hand on Daniel's cheek and smiled gently.
"There you are...Hey, Danny..." It's okay...apology accepted...no looking back, kiddo...only forward, high speed...
He was rewarded with a small almost-smile twitching nervously Daniel's lips, as if fighting with all its might to stay. Then a quiet acceptance of absolution. "Hey, Jack".
A real smile broke across Jack's face, his hand shifting from Daniel's face to lightly slap his shoulder. "Go on, 'freshen up...we've got some pizza to catch..!"
THE END
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