Lady: Father, ang guwapo at ang cute mo naman! Bakit ba kasi nag-Pari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ang magulang ko na mag-Madre ako!
Employee: Boss, namatay na ang iyong assistant, pwede ba ako na ang papalit sa pwesto niya?
Boss: Ok lang sa akin pero ewan ko kung papayag ang puneraria
Wife: Ano 'yung binabasa mo at pinagpapawisan ka?
Husband: Horror Story!
Wife: Anong title?
Husband: Listahan ng utang natin.
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: He's as old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
Si Erap ay pinakanta ng guro ng Hokey-Pokey.
Erap: You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out...
Teacher: You have to say 'foot'.
Erap: You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out...
Friend: Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!
Husband: Oo, surprise galing kumare mo.
Friend: Surprise? Anong occasion?
Husband: Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi.
Anak: 'nay kinagat ako ng lamok!
Ina: Hayaan mo lang, anak. Kapag nabusog na saka mong habulin, para magka-apendicitis.
Bel: Simula nang mag-drive ako, 'di ko pa nasubukan mapalitan ang gulong.
Noel: Ano ba ang minamaneho mo?
Bel: Pison!
Husband says: When I'm gone, you'll never find another man like me.
Wife replied: What makes you think I'd want a man like you?
Dalawang mag-kaibigan ang magkatabi habang kumakain.
Mark: Ano ang palaman ng tinapay mo?
Jeff: Chess!
Mark: Chess, ano ka ba nakakahiya ka para kang bisaya! Hindi yung chess, KISO 'yan.
Driver: Cubao! Cubao! (May sumakay na mama)
Mama: Aalis ka na ba?
Driver: Oo. (Tumawag uli ng pasahero)
Mama: 'Di pa ba tayo aalis?
Driver: Wala pa hong laman!
Mama: Ano ako sabaw?
Jim: If I told you I slept with your wife, would we still be buddies?
Bob: Nope!
Jim: Friends?
Bon: Nope!
Jim: Enemies?
Bob: Nope!
Jim: Then what would we be?
Bob: EVEN!
Anak: 'tay ang taas ng nakuha kong grade sa klase!
Tatay: Bakit ilan ba ang grade mo?
Anak: 75 po!
Tatay: 75! Mataas ba yun?
Anak: Opo, kasi half-day lang ako d'yan. Kung whole day, 150 sana.
In a drug store:
Erap: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, Vitamin A, B, or C?
Erap: Ok lang kahit ano, hindi pa marunong ng alphabet ang apo ko.
Husband: Hon, ano ang almusal natin?
Wife: Andun sa mesa! Bahala ka nalang mamili!
Husband: Isang tuyo? E, ano ang pipiliin ko?
Wife: Mamili ka kung �KAKAININ MO o HINDI�!
Juan: Why you no longer sleep with your wife?
Pable: Because of the doctor�s advice.
Juan: Why? What did your doctor advice?
Pablo: IWASAN ANG TABA!
Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tange! Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas!
CONVICT: Father forgive me for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
CONVICT: Father, pinapatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?
PRIEST: Sino yon?
NEWS FLASH: Vice President Noli De Castro has accepted the position of CHAIRMAN OF POVERTY COMMISION has promised to provide HOUSING for every POOR Filipino CELLPHONE USER!
Employee: So why did you leave your previous job?
Applicant: The company relocated and they did not tell me where.
A prisoner donated his eyes, arms, legs and kidney.
Guard: Aba, unti-unti ka nang tumatakas ha!
Medical Exam
Eddie Gil is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit. The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on "Miss, I am only following the instructions, " he says, " it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief'."
Eddie Gil calling a hotel receptionist.
Eddie Gil: Paano ako makakalabas dito sa kuwarto ko?
Receptionist: Bakit po sir, ano pong problema sa mga pinto?
Eddie Gil: Dalawa lang ang pinto. Ang isa pag bukas ko banyo. Yung isa naman may nakasabit na "do not disturb"
Coffee shop
Eddie Gil: Waiter 1 coffee please !
Waiter: Decaf, sir?
Eddie Gil: Of course! Debaso is too big and too much for me!
Science Class
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, uma-angat sa lupa? pero bakit naman yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Eddie Gil : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon!