Rendaw: Hello, everybody! Jon and I are back again to give our review of the movie "Kung-Fu Hustle", a marriage between the thirties' gangster film and the sub-titled kickass-awesome kung-fu action films.
Jon: We just watched it last night (Saturday, April 23, 2005) and have got to say that it is one of the better movies in the world.
Rendaw: One of the better movies? Dude, this kicked ass! "Army of Darkness" has nothing on this shit!
Jon: No way, dude. "Team America, World Police" is the best.
Rendaw: Actually, I liked "Ong Bak" better than that.
Jon: Dude, "Ong Bak" sucked. If they were really in Thailand, everything would have been covered in tsunamis.
Rendaw: JON!
Jon: Well it's true. Besides, most of the tourists there were just visiting for the twelve-year-old brothels. I say good riddance to the ones that were!
Rendaw: Yes, I know all pedophiles deserve to die, but you're not supposed to say it! NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) will try to lynch you!
Jon: So what? Let 'em try! I'm not afraid of a bunch of pedophiles! If they're so tough, why did they get wiped out by smallpox, addicted to alcohol and forced off of their ancestral lands while the white man killed all of their buffalo?
Rendaw: Jon, those weren't pedophiles, those were...gah. Anyway, if I never see another movie this year, I won't mind because I've already seen the best.
Jon: "Team America?"
Rendaw: No you moron, I was talking about "Kung-Fu Hustle!" Basically, it's about a bunch of old people who go around kicking ass, then train a young person to go around and beat the shit out of everybody else! It was totally sweet, and everybody needs to see it!
Jon: And, since we've already featured a giant alien cockroach, a walking skeleton, a killbot from the future, and a swearing box with Eminem painted on it, it was nothing for us to book an interview with another star: the infamous SYGOURNEY WEAVER!
Rendaw: Um, Jon? That's actually a dead horse.
Dead Horse: (sits there rotting)
Rendaw: Um, whatever. Okay, so, miss dead horse, what do you think of the movie "Kung-Fu Hustle?"
Dead Horse: (sits there rotting)
Rendaw: I mean, what did you like most about it?
Dead Horse: (sits there rotting)
Rendaw: Um, excuse me? Hello? Anybody home?
Dead Horse: (crow comes and starts pecking at its eye)
Jon: Looks like you're beating a dead horse there, Rendaw! Heheheh...Buddum-PISH!
Rendaw: Haw-fucking-haw.
Dead Horse: (sits there rotting while Rendaw and Jon stare in silence for a while)
Jon: You know, I still think that he's a better actor than Keannu Reeves.
Reeves: THOU HAS'T SPOKEN THE NAME OF KEANNU REEVES, AND I HATH COME! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE GREAT, MIGHTY...
Rendaw: Hey Jon, look! It's cornhole-boy!
Reeves: UM...WHAT?
Jon: Oh yeah! Hey, dude, you were in the Matrix Reloaded, right? Man, that scene where they showed your ass was SICK!
Reeves: HEY, WHAT TH...
Rendaw: Yeah, I know, that was pretty brutal. I mean, first comes the big orgy-scene, then WHAM! - we get a face full of your pasty white cornhole! That was just plain fucking obnoxious!
Reeves: HEY LOOK, BUDDY, DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'LL OPEN UP A CAN OF FUCKIN' WHOOPASS ON YOU!
Jon: Cornholes are gross!
Reeves: STOP TALKING ABOUT MY CORNHOLE!
Rendaw: No. :)
Reeves: I'M WARNING YOU LITTLE ASSHOLES!
Jon: Oh yeah? What you got, boy?
Reeves: A GIANT CROSSBOW FROM "CONSTANTINE," MAD DOCTORING SKILLS FROM THAT MOVIE WHERE I WAS A DOCTOR, AND FROM "THE MATRIX" I HAVE AN ARSENAL OF...
Rendaw: Hey dude; he said "arsenal". Heh heh...arsenal?
Both: BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!
Reeves: YOU LITTLE MEECRABS! I'LL...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Jon: That? That's either Sigourney Weaver or a dead horse. Why do you ask?
Reeves: AG! WE REEVESES ALL HAVE AN INSTINCTIVE FEAR OF HORSES! MY DISTANT COUSIN WAS DISABLED AND EVENTUALLY KILLED BY ONE! AND MY UNCLE WAS RAPED BY A THOROUGHBREAD! AYE-EEEEE!
Rendaw: Wow, the entire range of emotions from A) to A) and a half. Gotta love his acting, eh?
Jon: I dunno. That part about his uncle and the thoroughbread was pretty tearjerking; it was pretty insensitive putting that part on this site.
Reeves: AND MY FAMILY WAS KILLED BY A PALAMINO!
Rendaw: Okay, okay, take it somewhere else, cornhole-boy...hey, what the hell is that?
Ward Churchill: Greetings; I am Ward Churchill, the secret president of the North American Man/Boy Love Association. Long have I been in hiding, but now, due to your outrageous words, I have come out to punish you and all non-pedophile-kind!
Rendaw: Who the fuck is Ward Churchill?
Jon: I dunno, some douche. Let's ignore him.
Ward Churchill: HEY! You cannot ignore me! I'll...I'll molest your children, cockfags!
Michael Jackson: You motherfucking will NOT, you asshole! Get him, Bubbles!
Bubbles the Chimp: SHREE! (jumps on Ward Churchill and bites his throat out)
Ward Churchill: OW! My throat, dammit! Now I'm dead! Screw you, non-pedophiles!
Rendaw: Um...you, uh, saved us, Michael Jackson.
Jon: Wow, dude, we used to think you were a total perv, but I guess you aren't, man!
Michael Jackson: Yes, and now with Churchill out of the way I can become the new president of NAMBLA...!
Rendaw and Jon: WHAT THE FUCK?
Michael Jackson: (doesn't notice) ...so that I can rename it as NAMBPLA (North American Man/Boy Platonic Love Association) and destroy the racist police!
Rendaw: Um...o-kaaaaaay...whatever. Good job. Fine. Sure.
Jon: I mean, hey, since you went out of your way to save us from a sociopathic pedophiliac anarchist, I don't think I'd mind if you molested dead horses every weekend!
Michael Jackson: WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU...(sees the dead horse) Um...um...um...oh baby, papa needs some love!
Jon: Okay, dude, this is just sick! Let's get the fuck out of here!
Rendaw: I heard that! Anyway, long story short, Ward Churchill sucks, Keannu Reeves has a gross asshole, Sigourney Weaver is old and ugly, Michael Jackson's innocent, and, oh yeah, "Kung-Fu Hustle" rules. Is that it? Good. Let's fucking go!
Michael Jackson + Dead Horse: *CENSORED*
Jon: AGH! WEAK, DUDE!