ABSOLUTE SHIT, THAT'S WHAT!
By Jon
And, since my brother currently isn't looking, I'm going to translate Rendaw's story "Do you Do what I Do?" into a season of "Dragon BallZ"!
Episode #1: Suldir kneels on ground grunting for first half of episode, then screams as he freeze-frame cuts Harold in half, then throws his sword at Kiri. The camera shifts between Kiri's frozen figure and the sword spinning past the same few trees for the next few minutes before the "NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALLZ (IN YOUR MOUTH)" tells about everything that's gonna happen in the next episode.
Episode #2: Kiri kills Thatch. The hook spends half the episode flying through the air, while Thatch just stands there looking constipated. Then Harold finds out that a kid has been killed. Then there's a little bit about Meshima walking through the woods.
Episode #3: Suldir yells at preacher, who grunts like he's trying to take a shit the whole time, except for when he's yelling, in which case his lips just flap up and down while he stands and points. Kiri kills him in the end - the process takes the rest of the show, and he still looks like he's trying to force one out the whole time.
Episode #4: Suldir and co. briefly visit Sam, then go to the murder-sight and stand there looking constipated for a while as Suldir starts powering up. Then at night Suldir goes to the butcher's shop and exchanges words with Kiri. "NEXT TIME ON DRAGON TESTICLES", you will find out whether or not they will fight - and maybe even whether or not Goku will finally force out that giant turd of his.
Episode #5: Suldir and Kiri fight. It's mostly blades flying through the air against what's supposed to look like a fiery background, but actually just looks like shit. Then, when Kiri wins, she stands facing Suldir for a while, who suddenly looks like he's shitting himself for and ENTIRE TEN FUCKING MINUTES. Then she leaves, kills Sam's kid, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah...will Suldir pursue the evil witch "NEXT TIME ON DRAGGING BALLZ ACROSS YOUR ASS"?
Episode #6: They do. They meet Meshima, who, because of the scriptwriters' "artistic flare" (HAH!) suddenly has a well-endowed pikachu on her shoulder, and can shoot fireballs from her hands if she powers up enough. Suldir spends most of the episode arguing with Meshima (well, if by arguing you mean standing around looking constipated while the opponent does likewise). When Meshima draws her weapon, all the other men suddenly have their swords out too (hur hur hur...), and she stands around looking constipated until the end, when they finally resolve their differences within the last two seconds of the episode.
Episode #7: Suldir's past is gone into. I'll spare the details, but you can bet there'll be a lot of people trying to force out super-saiyan-shits.
Episodes #8-10: Suldir meets up with Harold, and starts arguing (well, most of it is just writing-for-space done by the script-writers, which mainly consists of three episodes filled with racist comments and poop jokes being exchanged, with only the token bit of relevant material). Then everybody starts pigging out for some fucking reason.
Episode #11: Dorg tries to tenticle-rape Meshima (all anime shows have some form of tenticle-rape involved - it's what makes people who like anime like anime). Connor has big air-duel with Dorg, and eventually leaves him lying in a smoking crator, shuddering and convulsing like he's trying to force out a turd bigger than his sphinkter.
Episode #12: Suldir and Harolds' parties enter ransacked town, and walk around like they're trying to hold in mega-dumps as they're subjected to many poorly thought-out flashbacks of the "massacre", most of which aren't even animated.
Episode #13: Sam and Harold talk, Meshima overhears plan, etc. Then Sam uses his super-powerful explosive arrow crossbow to battle Regan's men, who have similar weapons. In the end, however, Sam's power level far surpasses those of the others, who he destroys unrealistically. "NEXT TIME ON DRAGON SCROTUM" will Harold be pissed off that five of his best men are dead? Will they ever catch Kiri? WILL GOKU EVER FORCE OUT THAT SHIT? Find out on the next episode! (they have to keep you watching somehow)
Episode #14: Harold has a spat with Suldir and Sam, and then everyone goes to sleep. The next day, they travel to the next town, where they find out that Kiri fled into the woods. "NEXT TIME" will they venture into the woods "ON DRAGON BALLZ"?
Episode #15: They venture into the woods.
Episode #16: They fall asleep, and then Kiri attacks. Not much except for the blades swinging against a red background and then the guards falling is shown, but soon Loggar comes into action. He spends the entire episode powering up while Kiri and everyone else just watched, either because of their entirely rapt attention or because they look like they're all taking a shit.
Episode #17: Loggar's still powering up.
Episode #18: He's still powering up.
Episode #19: He's still powering up.
Episode #20: Loggar's still powering up, but this time his eyes are flashing on and off, giving kids around the world seizures. This episode is subsequently removed from the air, but the damage has been done. It just goes to show you; watching anime is a really fucking stupid idea.
Episode #26: I skipped over #21-25 because they all blow - yes, even when compared to the rest of this shitty bunch of episodes. It's all powering up, it's not worth mentioning. Anyway, I'm going to skip to Episode #32 next, because that's all Loggar having a giant fucking arial duel with Kiri, using fireballs, laser beams, lightning bolt attacks, etc. - all within the same few minutes.
Episode #32: Kiri spends most of this episode powering up, then delivers every moment of suffering back to its original person. The result: Kiri gets away, everybody stands around transfixed by constipation for a while.
Episode #33: The parties come to the clearing. After stuffing their fat, fucking faces, everybody lies down and sleeps. "NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALLZ SMACKING YOU IN THE FACE", will Kiri be waiting to attack them in the morning?
Episode #34: Kiri attacks in the morning. Harold betrays Suldir. Everyone takes to the air, and spend the next 5 episodes taking mid-flight shits and attacking eachother with the three exact same punches and kicks, occasionally throwing in an all-consuming fireball that doesn't seem to kill anybody just for kicks.
Episode #40: Due to incompetence on the part of the broadcasting station, black-and-white footage of several of Hitler's speeches are shown instead of the episode. The complaints come rolling in.
The real Episode #40: After firing people left and right, the network executives finally decide to air the 40th episode, which contains subliminal messages in Japanese to overthrow American tyranny and give Pearl Harbour to Japan. Since it's mostly being seen by nerdy whiteboys who only wish they were Japanese so that their peers would forgive them for liking to look up anime porn on the internet, though, the subliminal messages have no effect. Back to the show; anyway, Suldir kills Harold, and we're back at square #1. WILL GOKU EVER FINISH HIS CRAP? FIND OUT NEXT TIME THE DRAGON TEABAGS YOU!
Episode #41: The blade misses, Kiri deflects all of Sam's arrows, Kiri kills Meshima, Connor kills Kiri, Goku finally forces out his crap and it destroys the world. The end. :)
Jon: Man, do I rule or wha...
Rendaw: JON! What the hell is this? Why are you putting this on our site?
(silence)
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Jon: Fuck off, you shit-eating cockmaster.
Rendaw: WHAT!? You ass-ramming dildo-tron!
Jon: You'd fuck your uncle!
Rendaw: You'd fuck your uncle!
Jon: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka...
Rendaw: Shut up. Now. You are not singing the Uncle Fucka song here.
Jon: Oaw.