Rendaw: Hi, everybody! Since the epic movie, "Aliens VS Predators" is about to come out, we've decided to make a preemptive movie review!
Jon: Over the last couple of weeks, we've been watching the Alien and Predator movies to get a clue as to the ass-kicking that is to come. From what we've seen, this movie is gonna rule.
Rendaw: Yes, indeed. And we're not the only ones with this opinion; we've got Michael Moore, producer of "Bowling for Columbine" and "Farenheit 9/11" to come in for an interview. So, mister Moore, what is your opinion of this movie? Do you think that a throwdown between Science Fiction's two most powerful alien races is going to make a hit at the boxoffice?
Michael Moore: Speak not to me, you vile Canadian wretches! I despise you and all of your eh-saying ilk!
Jon: What?
Rendaw: Um, Mister Moore, didn't you express often your fondness for your neighbors to the North?
Michael Moore: Unctious sodomites! Whyever would I do that? I spit upon you and your wicked Canadian slander!
Rendaw: But you're the most liberal blowhard in the US!
Michael Moore: WHAT? Treacherous treacle spills from your mouth, you puling wretch! I'll not abide much more of these intollerable lies!
Rendaw: But you're wearing a hat that says "Made in Canada".
Michael Moore: LIES! SLANDER! FILTH! AWAY WITH YOU, YON TREACHEROUS TORMENTORS OF TARTARUS!
Jon: Dude, did you notice this guy's face is all baggy, with loose skin and crud?
Rendaw: Um, Jon...
Jon: Well, more-so this time. It's like he's wearing a Michael Moore mask, or a suit or something...
Michael Moore: What? Loose skin, you say? Soon shall I fix that! (grabs under eyelids and stretches skin up)
Rendaw: Holy hell, you're a...a...
Jon: You about to sneeze or something?
Rendaw: A...a...
Michal Moore (or so you thought!): (pulls off mask, revealing ghastly insectoid visage) Alas, but 'tis true; I am one of those cockroach aliens from one of Will Smith's car-commercial films...what was it called?
Jon: "Bad Boys 2"?
Evil Alien Cockroach: No, that's not it.
Rendaw: "Wild Wild West"?
Vile Alien Cockroach:No, not it either.
Jon: Oh! Oh! It's "I Robot", isn't it?
Giant Alien Cock...roach?: Um, close enough.
Jon: So, you ate Michael Moore's innards and wore his skin?
Horny Alien Cockroach: Now hold on, I didn't say...
Rendaw: YOU ATE HIS INNARDS AND WORE HIS SKIN?!?!?
Loathsome Alien Cockroach: Um...
Rendaw:
Irritated Alien Cockroach: Bagh! By jove, that hurt, you arrogant little fetus!
Rendaw: What? I just emptied a revolver into your head!
Angry Alien Cockroach: Ah, but mere bullets cannot undo a cockroach; we can survive a blooming nuclear holocaust, for petesakes! They do hurt like the dickens when they shoot your eye out, though!
Jon: Er, o-kaaaaay. Right. So, anyway, "Alien VS Predator" is going to totally rule. It's got, well, aliens, and, um, predators, too, yeah, and there's probably gonna be people there too, right, and, um, they're probably gonna lose, because whoever wins, we lose, yeah, and, um...what do you think, Rendaw?
Rendaw (whose skin seems to be hanging from his bones): Oh, yes indeed. Very much so, in fact.
Skinless creature approximately Rendaw's size and build: Jon, you moron! That's not me! I'm me! That son-of-a-bitch cockroach just stole all of my skin and started wearing it like a suit! Give it back or I'll beat the crap out of your freaky alien asshole!
Fraudulant Alien Cockroach: Be silent! There is a most important reason for all of this...
Skinless Rendaw: YOU STOLE MY FUCKING SKIN, YOU SHITCOCK!
Asshole Alien Cockroach: Yes, but I assure you, it was for the best of purposes! I'm hiding, you see, from the wrath of the murderous Michael Moore!
Jon: WTF?
Desperate Alien Cockroach: Well, when I stole Michael Moore's skin, I found that he is, in actuality, one of those terminator machines from the future in disguise! And now the fiend is after my very blood - and his old suit, of course! And...oh no! Here he comes!
Michael Moore Killbot: KILL YOU, COCKROACH!
Frightened Alien Cockroach: By jove, hide me!
Michael Moore Killbot: KILL YOU, COCKROACH!!!
Scared-shitless Alien Cockroach: Please, don't let him get me!
Michael Moore Killbot: KILL YOU, COCKROACH!!!!!
Alien Cock-Sucking Roach: WAAAAAH!
Michael Moore Killbot: Give me back my suit, you bastard!
Pissing-himself-right-now-holy-crap-that's-pathetic Alien Cockroach: What say you? I am merely, er, Randy or Dendaw or whatever my vile Canadian name is! Surely you cannot believe that this humble one could be a gigantic alien cockroach?
Rendaw: Oh, shut up you asshole! (to Michael Moore) Look, there he is, in my skin. Kick the crap out of him!
Michael Moore Killbot: Um...how about no?
Rendaw: What? Isn't that what you came here to do?
Michael Moore Killbot: (gathers up own skin) Actually, all I want is my skin back. And now that I have it, I bid you good day. (leaves)
Rendaw: Oh, fuck you! (turns to cockroach again) Look, you're still a fag, and I'm totally pissed off. I'm gonna kill you now.
Smug Alien Cockroach: Oh? And how, pray-tell, do you intend to do that?
Rendaw: With this can of raid, of course. (pulls out Raid Pesticide) You're dead, motherfucker!
Alien Shitcock Roach: Oh shit.
Can of Raid: PSSSSSSH!
Dead-Ass Alien Cockroach: SHRIIIIIIIIIEK!
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
Rendaw: What an asshole.
Jon: Just what the fuck did any of this have to do with "Alien VS Predator"?
Rendaw: Shit-all, that's what.
Jon: Um, okay, so all we've accomplished here is wasting the reader's valuable time?
Rendaw: In a nutshell.
Jon: Really?
Rendaw: Yeah.
Jon: No shit?
Rendaw: Nope. We're still doing it, see?
Jon: Really?
Rendaw: Yeah.
Jon: Wow.
Rendaw: Mm-hm.
Jon: That sucks.
Rendaw: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Jon: Yeah.
Rendaw: Yup.
Jon: Okay.
Rendaw: Sure.
Jon: Why not?
Rendaw: Sure.
Jon: Okay.
Rendaw:Uh-huh.
Jon: Yeah.
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UPDATE: We have just recently seen Aliens vs Predators. It kicked ass, trust us.
Credits: http://www.reschat.dk/wallpapers.htm for wallpaper, www.mm52.com/movie/ terminator/cn_index.htm for Terminator image.
