For a moment Remus was caught completely off guard, but his reflexes seemed to work faster than his mind and he found himself responding to the kiss even before he realized he shouldn�t. Raya pulled away as abruptly as she had kissed him, her eyes wide in alarm.
�I should go now.� She told him, moving off the couch and accidentally knocking over her wine glass as headed towards the stairs.
�Wait,� Remus called to her with conflicting emotions, hurrying after her. Raya was halfway up the stairs before he caught her by the arm. �Raya, please, let�s talk about this.�
Refusing to look at him, Raya trembled. �I can�t, Remus. You�re married, for Merlin�s sake! To my cousin!�
Remus looked her in the eye for a long moment before letting go of her and leaning back against the wall. She was right. He shouldn�t be thinking about this, Tonks didn�t deserve that. With an unreadable expression, he sighed. �Will you still stay for the holidays? We shouldn�t let this ruin our Christmas.�
�I�m not sure.� Raya admitted shakily. There were tears staining her face and it took all the strength Remus had to keep himself from wiping them away. �I promise to at least stay until Tonks gets home.�
He nodded, somewhat sadly, and didn�t stop her as she retreated to her bedroom. Remus stood there for a long minute, simply watching her closed door, then sank down on the step feeling torn and uncertain. Was he supposed to sacrifice a chance at true happiness in order to live a lie with a wife he was incompatible with? He loved Tonks, he knew that much, but it had never seemed like the type of love a husband should have. How fair would it be for Tonks to go through life not knowing that her husband was unhappy and possibly in love with another woman?
Remus hung his head in his hands and sighed deeply. Either way, he lost. If he stayed with Tonks, he would lose a chance with Raya; if he told Tonks about Raya, he could possible lose them both. His heart ached with agonizing frustration and he looked up, trying to see into the heavens through the ceiling.
�Are you determined on making my life miserable?� He asked the absent fates. �How much must I endure before you end my suffering? Will I ever be contented, or will you always toy with me and toss something else my way?�
A mocking silence answered him and Remus slammed his fist into the wall in antagonism, rattling the pictures that were hung with care, and cursed his lot in life. He pushed himself up, and strode off to clean up the spilled wine and left over mess from dinner, unaware of the pair of gray eyes watching him from a cracked doorway.
--
Remus had decided to wash all of the dishes by hand in order to rid himself of his angst, but found it to be a futile attempt. He couldn�t tear his mind away from Raya, nor could he divest himself of the guilt he felt towards Tonks. Each thought made him more and more uptight until his neck burned from the tension. He rinsed the last dish, setting it aside to dry and shut off the water, reaching his hand back to massage his aching neck. Sighing deeply, he turned around to clear the rest of the table and startled, taken by surprise, as he saw Raya sitting there looking at him with bated breath.
�I couldn�t sleep.� She half lied. When Remus said nothing, she continued, adverting her eyes warily. �I need to know something.�
�Okay.� Remus granted in a soft timbre.
�Do you care for me?�
�I thought that was obvious.�
�Just answer me straight, Remus, I�m being serious.�
Remus sighed and joined her at the table, folding his hands on the surface as he regarded her. �Yes, Raya, I care for you.�
�How can you be sure? You hardly know anything about me. Is it worth risking your life with Tonks to pursue something that may never work?�
Remus considered this for a long moment, weighing her words carefully. �It may not work out, but what is life without taking a chance? I know that I would rather risk it all, than go through life wondering what could have been. When I married Tonks, I thought I truly loved her, but�I�m not sure if I still do. To some extent I do, of course, but��
Raya watched him struggling for the words, knowing all to well what he intended to say. �But you realize she�s not meant for you.�
�Yes.� Remus admitted hesitantly. �Don�t ask me to explain it, Raya, because I can�t. All I know is that today you made me realize that I have nothing in common with Nymphadora. I�ve never been able to quite name what made us so different but I see it now in you.�
�I need to know what you intend to do, then.�
Remus faltered at this. �I don�t know. I�d like to see if we have a chance. I felt something with you, and I know you felt it too.�
�And Tonks? Do you intend to tell her?� Her gaze was steady, and Remus squirmed slightly under pressure. She was asking him a trick question, neither answer was right, nor could he honestly decide at that moment.
�I don�t know.� He finally admitted. �I won�t not tell her, but I don�t know when I would tell her.�
Raya nodded, considering his words, and sighed. �Why don�t we both sleep on this, Remus? Maybe we�re jumping on something that was only created by a moment of weakness.�
Once again he was silent for a long moment, looking at her as if his answer was a life or death decision. �You�re right. Maybe we should give it a rest for tonight, start fresh in the morning. If either of us has changed, then we�ll just forget anything happened. Deal?�
�Deal.� She promised and got up to leave.
�Raya?� Remus called after her. She paused at the door, her hand resting against it lightly as she looked over at him. He looked vulnerable, uncertainty creasing his face. After a moment�s hesitation, he stood from the table and crossed the short distance to her, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her gently. Raya fought the urge to respond to him, but didn�t pull away either, and simply looked at him as he pulled back. �If tonight is all we have, I wanted to make the most of it.�
Her demeanor changed at this, struck by the sincerity of his words. She couldn�t find her voice to speak, nor could she present him with a smile, so instead she leaned up and planted a kiss softly on the corner of his mouth. She didn�t dare risk kissing him fully again, unsure of what signals it would send or where it would lead them. They regarded each other with a longing glance, but before it could go any further Raya left him standing there.
Chapter Four
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