Remus Lupin sat at the kitchen table idly scanning the headlines in the Daily Prophet. It seemed as if most things hadn�t changed for the past twelve years, except now Sirius was back on the front page in the wanted section. Seeing his pale gaunt face shadowed by his long unkempt black hair, Remus felt his stomach knot in guilt. All those years that Sirius had been in Azkaban Remus, too, had blamed him. He, like the rest of the wizarding world, had thought Sirius, his best friend, was a traitor. Remus raked a hand through his shaggy graying light brown hair, letting his bangs recoil into his eyes without care.
So much had happened in the past year that Remus was nearly beside himself. Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, and Remus had been so sure it was to attack Harry, but after looking over the Marauder's Map one night in his office, he realized that Sirius had been innocent since the day James and Lily had died. More than one wizard had wanted revenge that night; Remus had reunited with Sirius and both of them had forced the truth out of Peter Pettigrew.
Remus sighed heavily and closed his eyes. So much had gone wrong after that. Snape. The full moon. The Dementors. It seemed as if the whole world was against knowing the truth. It seemed as if Sirius would be slated to a fate worse than death, but things had a funny way of working out. Harry and Hermione had used the time-turner to save not only Sirius, but Buckbeak the Hippogriff as well. That night Sirius had escaped from the Dementors for the second time in his life.
Lupin had saddly pondered if he would ever see his long-lost friend again, but hadn't had too much time to think on it as he resigned from Hogwarts and returned to his small cottage hidden deep within a thick forest. Not many knew how to find Remus, but it had been no surprise to see Sirius and Buckbeak paitently waiting at his front door when he'd arrived home last night.
Sirius Black padded into the kitchen lazily wearing a pair of Remus� pajama bottoms, his eyes still half shut with sleep, his hair a knotted, tangled mess. Remus looked up at him over the paper as Sirius fell into a chair, wiping at his bleary eyes.
��S'for breakfast?� he mumbled and Remus couldn�t help but smile. This was the first real time Remus had been alone with Sirius since the week before Voldemort attacked the Potters, and it seemed as if nothing had changed between the two.
�Anything you decide to make.� He joked, folding the paper and setting it down on the table. �Coffee�s on the stove.�
Sirius� eyes widened momentarily as he regarded Lupin. �Coffee? As in real coffee?� Remus quirked an eyebrow, but before he could speak, Sirius had jumped from the table, pouring himself a heaping mug of coffee, downing it quick enough to make Lupin�s throat burn. �Damn that�s good stuff.�
Remus repressed a laugh as Sirius poured another cup and sat at the table again. This time he drank it slower, savouring the rich flavour. Sirius looked around the kitchen as if seeing it for the first time and gave an approving nod of his head. �You�ve redecorated.�
�Yeah, about 10 years ago.� Remus admitted, fidgeting with his napkin on the table. �Everything about this house reminded me of the summers we would spend here on the river. After a while, I just couldn�t stand it anymore.�
Sirius was looking at him intently and finally spoke as Remus looked away. �You lost us all in one night. I am so sorry, Moony. If I had stayed Secret-Keeper, they would still be alive; none of this would have happened.�
�No, Padfoot,� Remus shook his head sadly. �Voldemort would have gotten them one way or another, he didn�t need Wormtail to do that.�
Sirius looked down at the floor with a look of self-loathing. �What James must have thought of me in those last moments.�
�What he always thought of you�his best friend.� Sirius snorted at Remus� reply and scrubbed a hand over his scruffy beard.
�Get some breakfast, then get a shower." Lupin said as he got up from the table, laying a hand on Sirius' bony shoulder. "I�m going to go buy some things for you to wear. Is there anything else you need?�
�Moony, you don�t have to do that, really�� Sirius looked at the floor, feeling guilty about Remus having to buy things for him with what little money he had, but Remus pushed back from the table.
�Don�t be stupid, Sirius, you�d do the same for me.� Sauntering back to his bedroom to get dressed, Remus mentally made a list of things Sirius would need. It was going to put a pinch on his already tight budget, but Sirius was worth it.
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It was well after noon before Remus apparated back to his cottage, his arms full of bags. Sirius was sitting on the couch, looking through an old photo album with a somber expression.
�Gee, Moony, you sure got a lot uglier.� He joked through the obvious pain of memories.
�Old age will do that to a person,� Remus set the bags of stuff down, sitting beside Sirius and looking at the yellowed black-and-white photos of them as teenagers.
�Look at Prongs,� Sirius laughed, pointing to a picture of James, who was covered head to toe in a slimy-looking substance. �He never got over that, did he?�
�No, but he deserved that, after all the times you two tortured Snape.�
�Snivellus asked for it, Moony, you know that.� Sirius flipped the page, as he spoke. �He never missed a chance to hex James.� He paused before flipping to another page, and looked up at Remus. �What was it like, teaching with Snape that is?�
�It was�trying.� Remus admitted. �He hasn�t changed very much, as you could tell from our brief encounter in the Shrieking Shack. I respect him professionally, but the man has serious issues. Look at that one, that was one of the last pictures I got from James and Lily.�
Sirius and Remus both stared down at the photograph of a smiling couple holding an infant boy who was wearing a birthday hat on his fuzz-covered head. �Harry�s first birthday.� Sirius muttered, his eyes stinging with tears. He slammed the book shut, setting it aside, not ready to deal with everything again. �So, what�s in the bags?�
�Everything I could think of that you would possibly need. The spare bedroom is yours now, so do what you like in it, just try not to destroy the rest of the house. I�ve become a bit of a neat freak.� Sirius looked at Remus incredulously, withholding a laugh. �Well, what do you expect, for 12 years I�ve had virtually no contact with anyone. I haven�t been able to keep a job; no one really wants to hire a werewolf.�
�So don�t put that in the application.� Sirius joked. Remus gave him a sour face and moved off the couch into the kitchen.
He was busy making lunch by the time Sirius joined him and Lupin was forced to do a double take. Sirius had obviously found the razor and comb in his stuff because his beard had been trimmed down to a goatee and his hair was clean and combed back into a ponytail at the base of his neck. Remus was awestruck by how much younger, though still unhealthy, Sirius looked.
�What?� Sirius barked self-consciously.
�Just glad to see you got some use out of the stuff I got you.� Remus half-joked as he turned back to prepare their lunch.
Sirius stared down at his hands, digging out dirt from beneath his nails, a somber look upon his face. �Thank you, Remus; for everything.� Remus only shrugged modestly and Sirius fidgeted with a fork. �So why isn�t there a Mrs. Lupin?�
This time Lupin laughed heartily and moved toward the table with two plates filled with sandwiches and chips. �C�mon, Padfoot, you really think that someone would fall in love with a werewolf?�
Sirius tore into his sandwich as if he hadn't eaten in decades and nodded, speaking around the large bite of food, �Yeah, it�s not like it�d be a death wish or anything.�
�Well, no, not really.� Remus flushed, holding back the true reason for his being single, but his quietness was not lost on Sirius, and he looked up to find pale grey eyes boring into him.
�There�s another reason, isn�t there?� Sirius pried as he swallowed another bite of his lunch.
�Let�s not talk about it, Padfoot. I�m single and I�m happy. I�m perfectly okay with not having someone.�
�But, Moony, I thought werewolves needed to find a mate to survive. That�if they didn�t�they would�die.� He said the words with uncertain fear and Remus was still for a long moment, refusing to meet his eyes.
�Unfortunately, yes, but it�s not that simple, Sirius. A werewolf can only have one mate for life. If I did meet someone, and it eventually didn�t work out, I would always be in physical pain when they were�with�another person. From what I hear, that is worse than the transformations, and I�d rather die than experience that.�
Sirius stared across the table with an unreadable expression, his food long since forgotten. �If you don�t mate, how long will you�� He couldn�t bring himself to finish the sentence.
�Live?� Remus ventured. �Typically unmated werewolves die between 40 and 45 years old, but some live shorter lives and some live longer.�
Sirius mentally calculated how long Remus had and frowned. �That�s not acceptable. I will not lose you, too, Moony.�
Remus jumped as Sirius pounded his fist against the table. �Padfoot, it�s just nature�s way and I�ve accepted that, why can�t you?�
�Because I�ve lost everyone I�ve ever loved, and I won�t lose you because you�re too foolish to go out and find a girl to be your mate!�
�If it were that easy, Sirius, I would have done that, but unfortunately, even if I wanted to, I couldn�t find a girl to be my mate.� Remus said with a tired sigh.
�Well why not, Moony?�
�Are you thick?" Remus asked with a bemused laugh. "How many girlfriends did I have back in school, Padfoot?�
Sirius thought for a long minute and suddenly looked as if what Remus was saying had dawned on him. �You mean that you�re�you�don�t fancy girls?�
�Exactly. That�s why there is no Mrs. Lupin, other than my mum.� Remus picked up his sandwich, biting into it in hopes that the topic was over.
�Why didn�t you ever tell us, Remus?� Sirius' voice was hushed as if he were afraid someone would overhear them.
Remus chewed and swallowed his food before answering, �I was afraid none of you would understand. Prongs was always chasing after some bird, Wormtail�well, he�d have been the last I would have told, and you�� He looked up at Sirius with a pained expression. �You were always making some derogatory remark about how you thought Snape was�-Well it doesn�t matter anyhow; now you know.�
Sirius was taken aback by Remus� answer and looked at him apologetically. �I�m sorry, Moony. If I had known, I would have never said anything like that, honest!�
�Don�t worry about it, Padfoot. I should have told you all, but I didn�t want any of you to get weird around me.� The air between them became uncomfortably still and silent and Remus cleared his throat. �So what do you plan to do the rest of the day?�
�I was thinking about going down to the river. I haven�t been down there in ages. Want to come?�
�I�ve got some things I�ve got to do for Dumbledore, but you go ahead. Take Buckbeak too, I have a feeling he might enjoy being let loose for a bit.�
Sirius nodded and quickly finished his lunch before deserting the kitchen, leaving Remus alone again. Lupin buried his face in his hands shakily. Admitting his life-long secret to Padfoot had been the hardest thing he�d ever done. He had been so scared that Sirius would have flipped on him, but instead Padfoot had been kind and understanding. It felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from Remus� shoulders and he shagged forward with a large sigh, glad that it was out in the open.
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Sirius spent the day splashing in the river with Buckbeak, both of whom enjoyed the open air and freedom. Sirius, even after escaping from Azkaban, had hid during the days. He couldn�t remember the last time he had basked in the glorious sunlight, or felt the cool grass under his naked body. He felt more alive than ever and was almost reluctant to return to Lupin�s cottage as the sun began to set.
Still dripping wet, Sirius found Remus putting logs into the fireplace. The house smelled of something divine that was making Padfoot�s mouth water, and he sniffed the air appreciatively.
�What�s for supper?�
�Yorkshire pudding.� Remus answered without looking up. �I figured it had been a while since you had it. I�ve already eaten, but there is plenty there for you.�
�Sorry I was gone so long, I haven�t been able to do that in forever.�
Remus smiled and laughed somewhat sadly, �I know, that�s why I ate. I didn�t know how long you would want to be out there.� Lighting the fire, Remus pulled a book from one of his shelves and settled down on the couch, ready for a quiet evening. Sirius watched him for a moment, his wet shirt balled up in one hand, hair dripping down the back of his neck. How many times had he watched Remus do this very same thing in the Gryffindor Common Room. Nothing had changed in the other man, and yet Sirius could no longer see his friend in the same light as he once did. There was something unfathomable about the way he felt when he looked at Remus now, but he wasn�t sure what exactly that was. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, nor totally unwelcomed, and a chill ran down his spine at the thought. Sirius shivered, moving off to put on some dry clothes before getting his dinner.
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Padfoot was stretched out on the floor before the fire, his back against the foot of the couch. His belly was full for the first time in ages and he felt completely relaxed. He stared into the flames, content for the time being as his mind drifted about randomly. The only sounds in the common room were the crackling of the logs in the fireplace and the sound of Remus turning the pages of his book. It was well into the night before Sirius broke the peacefulness.
�What�s it like to kiss another man?� He quiered in a quiet tone.
Remus jumped, startled by the sudden break in silence and looked down at Sirius for a long moment before looking back at his book. �I don�t know, I�ve never tried.�
Sirius lulled his head back on the couch, turning to look at Remus incredulously. �I�ll buy that you don�t fancy girls, Remus, but I won�t buy that you�ve never kissed anyone.�
�Suit yourself, then,� Remus shrugged, his eyes still on his book.
�You mean to tell me that in 36 years you�ve never been even remotely romantic with anybody? Remus, how is that possible?�
Lupin finally set his book down, picking at the worn cover distractedly. �Padfoot, you�re the only one that knows. I was too embarrassed to ever try anything.�
�You never told your mum or dad?�
�No, I just told them that I didn�t want a mate, that it would only complicate things.� Remus dared a look at his friend, who was looking straight up at the ceiling. �What about you, Sirius? What�s it like?�
Sirius grinned lecherously as a flood of memories came back to him. �Remus, I�m not the person to ask. I�ve never been in love with anyone, only in lust.� Sirius turned his face back towards the fire, staring at the flames as if seeing beyond them, his face sobering as he continued. �I�ve heard about what it�s like though�to be in love that is. James used to tell me what it was like with Lily. He said it was like losing everything�all time, all boundaries, all of yourself. It was something I could never imagine, but something I always desperately wanted.�
Remus said nothing for a long moment, his eyes glued to a point beyond the flicker of the flames, then finally he choked out, �So do I.�
The roughness of Moony�s voice made Sirius turn to look at his friend. Remus� hazel eyes were shimmering with unshed tears and there was a look of something in their depths that Sirius could not name, but could identify with. He felt as if his body had decided to move on it�s own accord and soon found himself kneeling in front of Remus, his shaking hand twining into the other man's greying locks. Remus sucked in a breath as Sirius leaned toward him, his first instinct to back away kicking in, but the strong hand behind his head urged him forward. Their lips met awkwardly at first, tensed flesh against tensed flesh, but Sirius relaxed almost immediately, coaxing Remus to loosen up as well.
Remus' mind was pulled in a thousand different directions, each begging for his complete attention, but he found himself stuck on the feel of Sirius' goatee against his face. It was rough, but tickled at the same time and he pondered if his own thin mustache felt the same against Padfoot's face.
Sirius was semi-conscious that Moony had never kissed before and it was with great reluctance that he forced his mind to slow down the pace of his body. To his relief, though, he found that Remus was not trying to pull away from him anymore. If anything, Lupin was almost frozen, slightly trembling. Sirius untangled his fingers from Remus� hair and cupped his pale face, deepening the kiss. Fireworks exploded behind Padfoot's eyes and a feeling of warmth enveloped his body. He realized that Remus was now returning the embrace full force, and he pulled away from the blissful contact to look up at him.
�What�s wrong?� Moony asked breathlessly, his lusterous eyes shining with desire.
�Not a damn thing,� Sirius smiled slyly. He pushed himself off the wooden floor, and took Remus by the hands, a playful glint in his steely eyes.
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Remus lay on his back in the bed next to Sirius, a sheet twisted around both of them, and somehow still covering him up to his navel. Though they had not mated by werewolf standards, Padfoot had shown him other ways of making love. Remus smiled and turned to look at the sleeping figure beside him. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined that he and Sirius would�
Moony laughed somewhat loudly, clapping a hand over his mouth. Sirius stirred, but did not wake. Fate was cruelly ironic at times, but Remus would have traded nothing about that night. He hadn�t let Sirius take him completely, afraid that his emotions were brought on by the heat of the moment and would later be something he would deeply regret. Instead the two had improvised. Remus had never felt anything as wonderful as the feeling that came just before his climax, and he wondered if Sirius had felt the same way.
When it came to trying to decide how exactly he felt about Sirius, though, Remus was at a loss. He loved Padfoot as a friend, even a brother, but did that love extend beyond those boundaries into something more? Tonight it had. Sirius had said that everything was lost in love making, but Remus never thought it could really be true. He was both anxious and frightened by that revelation. He was in love with Sirius Black; but how did Sirius feel? Would he want to spend a lifetime being forever chained to werewolf, to Remus? Turning his head to look at his sleeping lover one last time, Remus sighed and closed his eyes. He knew what he wanted, the decision was now up to Sirius.
To Be Continued...
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