Author's Note: Lily's letter to Remus is the lyrics from a song by the Shangri-Las. I did not come up with them.
Remus Lupin had been sound asleep on the Hogwarts Express by the time the students began to board at Platform 9 �. He had picked a compartment at the back of the train, hoping no one would disturb him, and had gotten lucky until the train pulled out and three people piled in next to him. Though their voices sounded distant through his sleep-induced haze, he heard one of the occupants being addressed as Harry, and immediately opened his eyes enough to glimpse the boy.
It was him; Harry Potter. There was no doubt in Remus� mind. If he didn�t know better, he would have sworn he was seeing James� ghost sitting across from him, a thin lithe boy with wild black hair. He was definitely a spitting image of his father, except for the eyes. Remus felt his heart pang as he noticed they were green, just like Lily�s; exactly like hers in fact, and seemingly magnified by Harry�s glasses. Remus shut his eyes again, pretending to be asleep, as he thought about James and Lily Potter.
He had first met Lily on the train his first year. Neither of them had known anyone else, and by chance had ended up in the same compartment, chatting the whole way to the school. From then on, they had stuck together�studying together, partnering up in classes, and sitting together at meals.
Remus and James, on the other hand, shared a room with two other boys, all of whom would later form the Marauders. The four had quickly become good friends, but Remus had always felt closer to Sirius Black than he did to James. There was always something about James that Remus didn�t like, but it wasn�t until their later years at Hogwarts that he knew exactly what that something was.
�We can�t be there yet,� The girl in the compartment was saying as the train was slowing down. When it jerked to a stop, sending luggage down on top of their heads, Lupin finally opened his eyes, only to be greeted with blackness. Harry and his friends were scrambling about, trying to figure out what was going on and Lupin could feel the omniscience of the Dementors coming towards the train
�Quiet!� Lupin said hoarsely as two more students stumbled into the compartment. He fumbled in his pocket for a handful of flaming dust and as it lit in his hand, he began to walk towards the door. That�s when the Dementor appeared before him, and he was filled with rage. �None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go.�
The Dementor stopped at that and left the train. When the lights came back on, Lupin extinguished the flames in his hand and turned around to see Harry lying on the floor.
--
It wasn�t long after that that Harry asked Remus to help him fight the Dementors. He told Lupin how he had heard his mother screaming as Voldemort killed her, and Remus had nearly been sick from the memory. He had never told Harry how close he had been to Lily and James, he didn�t feel it was appropriate�at least not yet, anyways. Remus had agreed to give Harry extra lessons to learn the Patronus Charm, not really expecting anything to come of it.
�I heard my dad.� Harry was saying as he sat on the floor after his first go with the Boggart Dementor. Lupin stopped as if frozen. �That�s the first time I�ve ever heard him�he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it.�
Remus blinked, a painful pang in his heart, and tried to speak around the ache. �You heard James?�
Harry seemed to be looking at him strangely now, as if he could see there was something Lupin wasn�t telling him, and Remus struggled with himself. Now is not the time to tell him the truth. He decided, and merely told Harry that he had known his father. Feeling guilty and shaken, Remus had wanted to stop the lesson for that night, but Harry insisted on having another go. Against his better judgment, Remus agreed, but his mind was still heavy with what Harry had said. He thought he had heard James speaking�
That night Remus could do nothing but think about the night Lily and James had died. Harry had no idea what really happened that night and the only person who truly knew was bound by his word not to say anything. Remus hung his head in his hands, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. Though he tried to wrench his mind free of the memory, visions of Lily still plagued his thoughts.
Remus reached into his briefcase and pulled out a worn leather-bound book, stuffed full of loose pieces of parchment. He looked around the empty room, as if to make sure he was alone, and then opened it to the middle of the book. A torn black and white photograph fell from within the pages and Lupin picked it up with a shaky hand.
He and Lily were holding each other lovingly, both looking at the camera, their faces bright with smiles. Lily turned and looked up at Remus, who looked down at her. They shared a tender kiss and Remus laid the picture down face down on his desk. That had been so long ago, so very long ago.
He turned his attention back to the book in front of him and pulled out slightly crumpled letter. He unfolded it with great care, looking at Lily�s small script writing that was scrawled across the paper. With a heavy sigh, Remus began to re-read the last letter Lily had ever written to him.
Past�Past? Well, now let me tell you about the past. The past is filled with silent joys and broken toys, laughing girls and teasing boys. Was I ever in love? I called it love. I mean, it felt like love. There were moments when�well�there were moments when.
Present� Go out with you? Why not. Do I like to dance? Of course. Take a walk along the beach tonight? I�d love to. But don�t try to touch me, don�t try to touch me, cause that will never happen again.
The Future�Tomorrow�well, tomorrow�s a long way off. Maybe someday I�ll have somebody�s hand. Maybe somewhere someone will understand. You know, I used to sing �A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow basket. I�m all packed up and I�m on my way, and I�m going to fall in love.� But at the moment, it doesn�t look good. At the moment, it will never happen again. I don�t think it will ever happen again.
Remus refolded the letter, realizing his face was wet with tears. He had greatly hurt her, though not intentionally, and not of his own accord. Remus had made a choice not to tell Lily of his affliction, afraid it would ruin the friendship they had built, afraid she would turn from him and his love would be lost. He had made a grave mistake in doing that, for once James had discovered that Remus was a werewolf, he held the power to destroy his friend�s happiness.
Replacing the letter between the pages, Remus slammed the book closed in fury. If he had only been honest with Lily in the beginning, everything would have been different. James had always loved Lily, but she thought he was an arrogant fool and only tolerated him for Lupin�s sake. When James had finally realized that he would never win her over, he had acted out in jealousy. If he couldn�t have her, then he would make sure no one did�even if that meant wrecking things for Remus.
Lily had not been hurt by the fact that Remus was a werewolf, she had been hurt by the fact that Remus hadn�t trusted her enough to tell her himself. She had told him when they had first begun to date that in order for their relationship to survive that they would have to trust one another completely, that there would be no secrets and no lies. By breaking that promise to her, Remus had broken their bond.
After she had written him that letter, they had not spoken to one another for months. Remus had been too ashamed by his deception to even look at her. For the longest time, Remus refused to even speak to James, preferring to be alone either in the library or in the common room with his nose in a book. It was Lily who had finally sought him out, striking up a friendly conversation as if nothing had happened. Neither of them had ever spoken again of their all-too-brief love affair, and a year later Lily was dating James.
Their relationship had devastated Remus, not because he had lost Lily, but because he knew the smugness James must have felt every time the three of them were in the same room. However, Remus had never spoken ill of the two of them. If Lily was happy, then he would respect her choice.
In their last year at Hogwarts, James and Lily had already made plans to wed, and Remus made his plans to travel around studying the Dark Arts. Once the friends had gone their separate ways, Remus vowed to never see Lily or James again. He knew he couldn�t bear to see the happiness that could have�should have� been his.
With a forlorn sigh, Remus dropped the book back in his briefcase intent on heading back to his chambers. He didn�t notice, however, the small glossy paper still lying on his desk as he extinguished the candles around the room and retired for the night.
Chapter Two
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